767 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. She had publicly stated that she needed to take a break from the “platform of perfection” and instead focus on her mental health

      Did she suggest that the social media itself was what was affecting her health? Otherwise, why is this relevant?

    2. They rather lay in bed and go through all of this and see everything that they missed in the few hours that they slept then getting up and starting their days.

      Inappropriate voice

    3. Many rather sit on their phones and go through the same one hundred posts than listen to a professor talk about a slide that isn’t working all because the professor five minutes ago was doing the exact same thing.

      This has next to nothing to do with the central concerns of your essay.

    4. We see professors today who are in their thirties or forties and cannot focus on something for more than five minutes. We see professors who rather talk about some social post instead of actually teaching, or professors who talk about a messed-up slide for two hours.

      You are using an unprofessional and assumptive universal "we" and providing on researched context for your claims. This is not a personal essay.

    5. We can also see a more recent example with the social platform Instagram. Not too long ago they had encountered a technical issue and for a full day the app was not working. People couldn’t bare to spend a full day without this social platform. They sent in emails, posted snapchats and tweets, just bashing Instagram freaking out that they could not post anything or refresh their feeds. People were going crazy they couldn’t be up to date and they felt like they had nothing else to. People are so addicted to seeing posts and being part of the trend that over twenty-seven million people liked a picture of an egg just to beat Kylie Jenner’s most liked picture.

      you need to bring in other voices and information to support your claims; bringing in the Jenner photo is not full proof of all of these overgeneralizations

    6. people are so addicted to social media they are putting everything else they do at risk of failure

      assumption—your research does not suggest all this that you say

    7. Roughly thirty percent of students have some sort of mental health problem and one of the biggest factors is the constant need and use of social platforms that have been instilled in our brains. Students rely on these social platforms to sit in their beds and have conversations instead of getting dressed and sitting with a group of friends. Students can’t focus on anything for a long time because they are glued to their phones, to the constant need to check their phones. The constant worry that they will miss something so mundane as a salad posted by a famous celebrity. They worry more about social media and their attention to social media that they forget they are in college to learn and get a career. Hou Yubo and others in their article about social media addiction conducted a study to prove this point and to show how social media is really affecting or minds. In their research they had two different studies one where social media was limited and one were social media was in full use.

      all assumption without researched context

    8. In reality, however, people tend to post only the best parts of their lives, often recycling pictures and reposting the same vacations over and over again, in pursuit of more likes and attention.

      research?

    9. People begin to subconsciously assume that those pictures convey a representation of their friends’ life, since this is all they see on their feed.

      how do you know? what data do you have?

    10. Because college students in this society are always talking over social media they are talking about everything. A constant conversation about what is going on in the college, what the college costs, and how everyone’s opinions are different from everyone else’s. We see this as a great way of talking but don’t understand that it brings so much stress to our lives. These so-called helicopter parents have raised many students to believe everything they do is right, that their bubble life is perfect and what they think is the correct and is the most important thing. When it comes down to moving into the dorms, paying thousands of dollars for tuition, or communicating with people you have class with their lives are shattered. They see these kids on social media that are complete opposites, either it be different cultures or different ways of dressing, or even different thoughts on the economic standing of the country, they don’t know how to react. They just lash out or stress themselves out that they don’t fit in, that they look different, think different, dress different, post different, and it creates a mental health disconnect.

      far too vague and overgeneralizing

    11. People live on their phones, they spend hours a day on their phones, they spend hours reading posts about everything that is going on in the world today.

      run-on sentence, and overgeneralized voicing—certainly you have research to support a large social claim like this but need to couch it into a little more nuance and less toned judgement...

    12. These people could benefit from doing therapy online but they will still be home well in reach of their social medias and other social platforms that have drove them here

      skipping some logical steps that require researched information

    13. Some believe that it might be helpful in the future but some see it as a way to fully disconnect from face to face conversations.

      Unclear point, especially following this quote and previous material.

    14. When social media was just starting people were not as addicted because there were many flaws and they were just worried that it was something new and dangerous

      The evidence you then follow-up with does not support these claims.

    15. The constant need to look at our phones and our social media platforms has created this type of mental divide in our lives. We value the social life more than the real life and never remember that these social media people are putting on an act.  We see these people and we think to ourselves, why can I not look like this or why can I not have this much money. Many live a life where social media has taken over our lives and is affecting our mental health in a negative way. Many suffer from anxiety because of this and many suffer from depression

      Lots of claims without context. Support each claim with information, and limit yourself as not to claim something difficult to support. You'd be surprised though—the data is out there.

      Have a significantly more specific claim to frame your paper.

    16. “People use appearance to place each other into categories, which aid in the anticipation and interpretation of behavior, and to make decisions about how best to coordinate social activities.” (Sander & Vail 1)

      need to use signal phrasing and context when introducing research

    1. Along with loneliness and dieting, people use mukbangs for coping with eating disorders. An eating disorder people face today is anorexia. This is where people are extremely thin with a desire to be skinny to the point where it’s unhealthy. They lose appetite because they tell themselves that they are “fat” so they stay away from food. Some people could get appetite by watching others eat or crave food and thus, watching Mukbangs are just the thing to help people cope with eating disorders. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, they state, “approximately eight million people in the U.S. have anorexia nervosa, bulimia, and related eating disorders.” This statistic demonstrates how millions of people suffer through eating disorders associated to anorexia. In fact, a large portion of the mukbanger’s viewers suffer from eating disorders like anorexia.

      The connection between this and the following, more related content is far too loose.

    2. By watching a mukbang, the person dieting can “live vicariously” through the mukbanger as they watch the mukbanger eat their biggest craving and give them the satisfaction of eating it themselves.

      There is more relevant writing about how this particular genre speaks to attitudes about eating. You do not need a random article about dieting in general.

    3. In the article, “Five weeks of willpower: Most women give up diets after five weeks, two days and 43 minutes” Kirkova writes how one in seven women in Britain stick to their diets for a duration of thirteen weeks and one in four cave in and eat their favorite food cravings.

      This is not clearly connected to your paper.

    4. Robert Feldman says how sixty percent of people lie during a normal ten minute conversation and when averaged out, two or three lies during those ten minutes occur

      not related to your piece at all

    5. Many people watch Mukbangs for that specific reason, to feel less lonely. On social media, there are a lot of “fake” or “two-faced” people, for example “catfishers” and just liars in general.

      this is a very vague connection to your piece

    6. With the era of social media and excessive advertising, there is so much pressure from people to be “better” or become this “perfect person”. For example, with super models and idols, they create unrealistic beauty expectations for both genders as they mature. In the article, “From social media to the catwalk, is fantasy beauty failing young women?” Professor Nichola Rumsey, co-director of the Centre for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England, Bristol explains, “…with the advent of social media, standards of comparison are now much more extreme, and hugely unrealistic” (Kay). This quote reveals how social media platforms make standards of beauty today unfeasible; these models on social media are portrayed as “perfect looking people” and make the consumers insecure in themselves and want to be like them.  That is why Photoshop and editing apps exist and editing photos even became a profession, people compare themselves to these models and change themselves to what they want to be but aren’t through applications like Photoshop. We currently live in a time where everyone expects people to be better than what is realistically achievable. These pressures cause stress and anxiety

      You're really reaching here to make this connection. You could just talk about rates of anxiety in a more general social sense—still by the numbers.

    7. Those suffering from symptoms of chronic pain also benefitted from ASMR, seeing a significant reduction in their discomfort for several hours following an ASMR session

      by what measure?

    8. Given these points, this just exemplifies the fact that ASMR tingles can help those with insomnia and much more.

      not sure if this sentence is really continuing the conversation more than parroting what you've already said

    9. increased levels of excitement and calmness, and decreased levels of stress and sadness

      by how much? instead of quoting here, what about summarizing the exact outcomes of their study by the numbers? show the reader what they found more literally

    10. Also, in the article, “More than a feeling: Autonomous sensory meridian response (ASMR) is characterized by reliable changes in affect and physiology”

      don't know if you're really giving a lot of context just listing the title of the article

    11. Today, everyone experiences stress, whether you’re a teenager, an adult, or even a senior citizen, everyone goes through something that causes some kind of anxiety.

      Overgeneralization. Instead, this is a great opportunity for stats.

    12. It has become a very popular trend online since a lot of people have their own reasons to stress whether it is deadlines for projects, exams, or personal issues.

      make statements like this in statistical/researched contexts

    13. Some examples of these ASMR triggers could range from tapping and scratching to role-playing and lighting matches.

      This would be a good place to be more literal with examples. Quick, popcorn kernels of detail.

      In one... In another...

    14. Fairyington states, “There were nearly 2.6 million videos depicting a phenomenon called autonomous sensory meridian response, or A.S.M.R., designed to evoke a tingling sensation that travels over the scalp or other parts of the body…”

      Not sure how much this quote is really doing something for your paper.

    15. Thus, these social trends pair well to society today, it helps people cope with anxiety, stress, depression, dieting, eating disorders and other illnesses.

      This I'm treating as your claim, but it needs to slow down and be a little more direct and clear—it's running a bit too fast and loose in its style.

    16. ASMR and mukbang.

      Define! Right from the start, lead into and then define them. You could note a culturally current moment where it was discussed (like the fact that a long article was published on it in the NYT a couple weeks ago) so that you've demonstrated its relevance/exigence.

    17. It felt like a drug that relaxed me, it helped me cope with a lot of things and provided me an escape or help with sleep when I couldn’t

      This is very much a missed opportunity to describe the feeling!

    18. I feel all this pressure and anxiety all the time from school, friends, or family and it just stresses me out. I was wandering on YouTube and I guess I was on it for too long because I hit the weird side of YouTube. I found a video that did scratching and tapping ASMR and I was hooked.

      This is an interesting and useful way to begin, but you need to slow down and give your tone something just a little more formal—in that it is publicly facing, edited, and paced professionally.

    1. He thinks that completely banning traveling from these seven countries would reduce acts of terrorism or at least suppress it.

      How does this fit into social perspectives and the perceived validity of said argument?

    2. Although he is the president, he must follow the rules of the United States constitution and not go over judicial rulings.

      Hm. This could be more prescient to the genre of research paper coming from a different source/voice, as not to offer a quick ethical judgement of the situation, but to think about how these decisions have procured public reactions.

    3. The federal government noticed that with more immigration policies being implemented as well as new immigrants coming in, they had to find new ways to enforce the rules made. Since at this time two new policies were made almost simultaneously, they had to prevent Chinese people, lunatics, criminals, polygamists and much more.

      Where is the desire to implement these rules coming from? What's happening in a national social context?

    4. Hostility towards new immigrants coming to the United States rose and began to spark a major anti-immigration movement in politics and in society

      Why did this hostility exist at this time?

    5. tremendous step in protecting public safety

      What information do you have that demonstrates that this was a policy enactment that caused measurable change? Was this abused and how? How were these terminologies defined? Tremendous according to whom? Protecting human? How protecting?

    6. This was the implementation of the 14th Amendment in 1868 after several decades of only “free white men” it eventually allowed African Americans, who were former slaves, to be able to become citizens of the United States.

      run-on sentence

    7. allowed people in the United States to gain citizenship

      Then how were "citizens" determined prior, or was the designation nonexistent? Is it that "citizen" and, implicitly, "noncitizen," were both created in this moment?

    8. Edward J. W. Park, “the first U.S. Naturalization Act is enacted, stipulating that only “free white persons” can gain American citizenship”

      This quote doesn't seem particularly quote-worthy. It is information that could be paraphrased and cited, and integrated in with your own writing and commentary.

    9. Although the country had not focused on immigration in the 1700’s, in 1875 the Supreme Court declared immigration as a federal issue.

      Cite all sources you use and all information you gather in the essay.

    1. satisfaction

      Hm...there's a lot going on in this paragraph. This is all from you? If you're summarizing or paraphrasing some longer reading from a source, I'd suggest you make mention of it and cite. If not, maybe you should, to bring some strong voices that offer similar perspective?

    2. The average consumer recommending a brand by sharing it to their peers tends to better appeal to the viewers rather than the brand directly promoting themselves to their audience, because this interaction feels more personal, genuine, and less forced.

      Data here would be very useful!

    3. The research shows that 50% of users on social media have shared news in the form of a video

      Good—I was reading along and about to say it seems time for some numbers and data to support claims. Make sure that your use of sources doesn't just also offer claims but provides some of the more literal, concrete support you need (such as a data) to demonstrate your own point. Which you're doing here...just saying...

    4. It portrays how since the audience’s response is more visible, West was affected by it in a negative way.

      I'm not entirely clear on your point right here. Could you explain a little more of what you mean?

    5. Spears’ use of social media for successful viral marketing and communication to her fan base, as well as her fans’ positive response and engagement, demonstrates how the relationship between consumers and creators, specifically artists, is becoming more connected and interactive.

      Very clear—well said!

    6. virality

      need to establish what you specifically mean when you say "virality"—even though it's a bit tacky, scholars often do this by saying something like...When I say "virality," I mean along the lines of how scholar So-And-So has defined it as "Yadda Yadda"...

    7. Jay Rosen is a media critic, as well as a writer and professor at New York University, and his work often provides commentary on the audience in relation to media.

      nice! good phrasing and context

    8. In this generation, social media plays a significant role in our everyday life. Most of us use at least one social media platform, and the chances are a lot of us visit them on a daily basis.

      House these kinds of comments under brief mentions of research (data that demonstrates your claim, in this case).

    9. I believe it is safe to say that I’ve witnessed a transformation in society due to the rise of new technology and the internet.

      This is a moment to zoom out—either instead of or after this sentence—to a larger, researched social context. Remember that your claim in this essay is related to what your findings suggested—an answer to your research question

    10. social media account with Facebook when I was 10. Since then,

      This transition feels a bit harsh to take in. In a sentence or so, could you lead into the "zoom out moment" by commenting on how doing this changed you—in parallel to how this changed her?

    1. Beauty commercials on the internet reinforce the ideology of sexism, racism, classism and ageism, causing women to buy more skincare products.

      Needs example(s) & research

    2. Skin-lightening or ‘fairness’ creams – with their troubling colonial overtones – are big business in India, an over $200 million industry…Although corporations like Unilever have been widely criticized for profiting on colorism…

      seems like this could be paraphrased

    3. Thai women

      Lots of very absolute statements—need to leave room for nuance. How often is this sentiment held in Thailand? You're suggesting that every Thai woman has this sentiment.

    4. However, it is definitely unfair for those who want to buy, but cannot purchase these costly products.

      But is it also a problem that the products are priced so highly in the first place, a problem of supply and demand?

    5. Despite the price, customers lined up at luxury retail stores to purchase a jar when the cream was introduced in 2008.”

      But isn't saying that poor people can't afford the most expensive products in the world a little misleading? It's not just poor people who don't buy those products.

    6. These new ideas are used to capture people’s attention and make them believe these crazy ingredients are helping their skin look like a celebrity

      How do you know that this is why these ingredients are there?

    7. Older women are troubled that their skin isn’t as glowing as when they were younger and aren’t able to embrace the natural features that come with age.

      How do you know this is how older women feel? What research might look at the attitudes of older women about their appearances?

    8. The Kardashian family

      Why are you talking about the Kardashian family? I'm not arguing that you shouldn't, but that you need to give a reason. Saying something like—that it is one of the most-watched shows on television—if that is true (or give the number of viewers, or some other evidence of how often Americans pay attention to them) would create the exigency you need to justify talking about them.

    9. The fact that they would waste thousands of money to improve their face, skin and body gives the false image of how beauty should be defined.

      Repeats what you say two sentences prior.

    10. Celebrity standards also accord with these attributes. While the program pays lip service to the concept of accepting all body types, Keeping Up with the Kardashians reifies stereotypical beauty qualities, while complicating the issue of beauty norms through the depiction of another duality: beauty and unhappiness.”

      Don't understand—is this a new quote?

    11. “Celebrities tell us what to wear, how to smell, how to lose weight, what to listen to, what movies to watch, and how to vote.”

      This is problematic. Without more statistical, social, and contextual information, you are repeating overgeneralizing claims that you have also made without evidence. Again, it's not that this is wrong, but that it isn't paired with any evidence here.

    12. Women who have white and fair skin were perceived as “normal” and others who fail to achieve a fair complexion are suggested as failing to manage and control their bodies…Having a healthy skin, according to Crawford (1985), is a matter of self-control, self discipline, self-denial, and will power” (Li, 447-448)

      Very confusing quote without more context—seems to be citing a source within it but there's no guidance from your writing as to how to read this quote. Try interweaving it with your own specific commentary.

    13. The standard society, or men, has created for women truly puts a great burden on their shoulders.

      Again I'm not saying that you are necessarily wrong, but that you're addressing this concern far too broadly for a research paper.

    14. Throughout history, the color white has always been the superior skin color for people

      I know the point you are trying to make and the reality underneath it, but you need to have more nuance here. You're talking about Western power and Western narratives. You cannot say this is something that has existed throughout time. This was something created by the dominance of white skinned culture and peoples.

    15. able to afford

      be careful and clear with what you're talking about here—the question of affordability is different from the question of need, but you seem to be conflating the two in this paragraph

    16. that no women ever want

      Again here, with overgeneralizing language. It sounds like you're parroting what social pressures and advertising suggests, but even then you can't generalize this broadly. Locate your points in clear researched claims.

    1. In response to all of the extreme ways in which President Trump is opening up the political discourse, Democrats and those who oppose him have gone further to the left.

      This paragraph could use some more evidential context—data, research, clear examples.

    2. He completely shifted the overton window. Then, to the surprise of many Americans, he received massive support. One month after making those comments, his popularity in the national Republican primary polls went from 3.6% to 16.8%.

      Thinking about the order of your information—it seems like the fact that these kinds of statements increased his popularity is demonstration of the "overton window" change, right? The sheer saying of them isn't enough to make that change.

    3. As one can deduce from this information, the United States is experiencing a period of deep civil unrest and political polarization

      This is a good introduction. Lays out what's going on, then dives into some concerns.

    1. “Studies have shown that caffeine can safely improve focus and concentration for its users, making it a reliable natural Adderall alternative. Caffeine is considered a Central Nervous System (CNS) stimulant which can boost the production of dopamine in the brain. This legal OTC supplement is also a vasoconstrictor. Therefore, caffeine reduces blood flow to overactive regions of the brain by shrinking blood vessels (like Adderall, Vyvanse, and Ritalin). This effect allows for more predictable and stable communication throughout the brain”
      1. Pasted in—doesn't need to be quoted, and don't need all of this
      2. No signal phrasing with quote here
    2. And in fact, by the time I arrived at college in 2000, four years after Adderall hit the market, nearly five million prescriptions were written; in 2005, the year after I graduated, that number was just under nine million. By then, sales of A.D.H.D. medication in the United States totaled more than $2 billion”.(Schwartz).

      unclear what's a quote and what isn't here

    3. For those who do not medically need the drug by law, they should not and can not be taking it, yet they feel like it is not dangerous and it will help their work ethic so how much harm can it do for them?

      Unclear sentence

    4. The same students who may be at the top of their classes may be pressuring themselves to succeed. They see the Adderall as a key to help them succeed.

      There's data out there on this.

    5. In the fast past country of the United States people are always trying to one-up each other.

      Again, need to support with evidence. There's data out there to support your claim, though you might need to scale back how broad/universal you've made it.

    6. The reason Adderall is a so highly consumed and regarded in the world of medication is that the bottom line is it really does help.

      But you've already offered a more complex view of this claim—that it does help some but might be overprescribed and often abused.

    7. That being said it perhaps the pressure of perfectionism is still extremely prevalent. While it used to be that one needed to pretend to be naturally perfect now they feel they need to find all the resources to make themselves or their child perfect.

      Again, needs research to support. It's out there!