1,263 Matching Annotations
  1. Mar 2016
    1. I use Netflix on my phone all the time, I very rarely watch TV at my house on the actual TV, I am always using my phone or computer for Netflix.

      a few CS's here

  2. Feb 2016
    1. due to the fact that a large amount of people go to college now

      This does not make sense to me. Do you mean that it will be too expensive? What does Sanders say about how he will pay, and what do you think of the plan?

    1. I was totally convinced that abortion can help the almost 400,000 children waiting to be adopted in our country alone.

      Ok, but be careful. If someone is adopted, how will they feel reading this. It is starting to sound like "We should have aborted any kid who end up being put up for adoption." That is maybe going a bit far? What do you think?

    1. This brought me to the final conclusion that voting is too much of an adult thing for any eighteen year old. 

      But Trump is winning amongst older Republicans, too. How does his status as frontrunner lead to you thinking that young people should not vote, when he is popular with older voters? Did you look up the numbers? Would that help maybe? And if you think he is unqualified and you are a little scared, why doesn't that lead you to want to vote?

    1. As if politics weren’t already the biggest debate out there today between the parties fighting about who should be elected for president and why.

      fragment

  3. abigailpepin.wordpress.com abigailpepin.wordpress.com
    1. http://www.usnews.com/opinion/knowledge-bank/2015/05/27/why-bernie-sanders-free-public-college-plan-is-a-bad-idea http://time.com/4090871/free-college/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/bernie-sanders-america-needs-free-college-now/2015/10/22/a3d05512-7685-11e5-bc80-9091021aeb69_story.html

      These links just hang here at the end. Instead of that, hyperlink to them throughout the piece. If you do that, you don't need them down at the end just hanging here without any context.

    1. When it comes to the rights of women, we cannot go backwards. We have got to go forward,” tweets elected presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.

      Embed the Tweet as a photo or at least link to it.

    2. “Not a single dollar of federal money pays for elective abortions at Planned Parenthood (or anywhere else).”

      Good! But you sort of already talked about this, so I would move this up... and another indication of how an outline will help you tighten things up so you don't go around in circles...

    1. Zack Matthews Robin DeRosa Composition February 22, 2016 Donald Trump for President?

      I'd get rid of all this stuff. You are writing for the web and for an audience, you are not turning in a paper just to me.

    1. Canceling college and school forever sounds great to me!

      Hmm. Really? This is a pretty serious little essay, and that ending feels too flippant and silly to match up with the kinds of things you cover.

    2. School alone is enough stress for us to deal with trying to please everyone and handle school at once is definitely not something people want to deal with everyday but unfortunately we cant get away from that

      fs

    1. A third political party is honestly a no brainier to me. You on the other hand might be wondering why I know what party I’m with and there is no way I’m changing my thoughts. When I started learning more and more about the election as well as the political parties I realized that I agree with arguments from both sides. Now think about this what if there was a party that you absolutely agreed with every single thing.

      This is not clear. It sounds like you are saying this:

      We need a third political party. But I like one of the two parties we have now and I won't change. But actually I like stuff from both parties.

      I can't figure out what you are arguing in these opening lines... Needs to be clearer.

    1. Sanders also states that the people have a right to be angry at cops

      Link? Also, is this about racism? If so, do you think you need to address that in this paragraph, since I don't think (?) anyone would suggest that the police are scary to white people...

    2. Unsettling incidents such as these make officers become alcoholics, withdraw from society, or need counseling among many other things.

      Maybe back this up with a source and hyperlink? Shouldn't be hard to find...

    3. Police brutality has been a hot topic as of late. I am assuming you have all heard of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, Walter Scott, and Freddie Gray. But, have you heard of Officer Thomas W. Cottrell, Officer Douglas Scott Barney, Sergeant Jason Goodding, Deputy Sheriff Derek Geer, Senior Deputy Mark Logsdon, Senior Deputy Patrick Dailey Major Gregory E. Barney, Officer Jason Moszer or Special Agent Lee Tartt? That is a list of officers killed in 2016 by gunfire.

      Powerfully done--great rhetorical strategy here.

    4. consequences.

      I am thinking there are 2 paragraphs here: one on how the younger generation has lost respect for authority (maybe cite a source on this to add credibility? There should be stuff out there...) and one on how people need to accept the consequences of their actions.

  4. zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com zacharymatthewsblog.wordpress.com
    1. The Greater Charter School Debate: http://www.usnews.com/opinion/knowledge-bank/2015/04/27/the-great-charter-school-debate-how-many-is-enough

      Make these links "hot," and instead of just letting them hang here, go ahead and integrate them into your essay at the places where they go.

    2. Charter schools are considered "public schools" due to the fact they get public funding. Which will allow children to learn more? Deciding between charter school and public school is tough when it comes to which one will benefit a child more.

      Your revision did not really clarify things. You say charter schools are public schools and then you say they are two different things. I get it, but your "fix" didn't really take away the confusion in the language of your essay. I think the intro probably needed a full rewrite?

    1. I started school at Plymouth State University this past fall along with the largest freshmen class in history. In order to relate to the stress of college expenses, I decided to look up some statistics on the average debt of graduates of Plymouth State University. In 2014, 85% of graduates left school with an average debt of $32,327. This can be discouraging when trying to find a career to cover the debt. Within the next five years, the average salary of those graduates will be around $42,000 a year. This is not enough to get your life started and pay back that debt. It will take several years to be able to pay back the debt completely. This makes me nervous because I want to do something I love, but I also need to worry about if it will be enough to pay back my student loans.

      Great addition!!

    1. but its unfair and black students should not have to worry about things like that

      You can't assume your reader has read the article or that she understands what you mean here. This could probably be its own paragraph so you have space to really explain what you mean.

    2. After reading this article

      You need to add something about the article in the intro if you plan to talk about it. And add a hyperlink to it. You can't just toss it in down here without setting it up a bit...

    1. So instead of telling us who we should be

      Maybe that could tie back to the beginning a bit more? Could you link this imagined reader who is berating you for being stressed to your intro somehow? I feel like I lost the poop thread and ended up with this, but it didn't quite come full circle...

    2. As I have already stated, the pressure of a high GPA is at stake. We all live our lives with the dreams that we will someday have a hot spouse, beautiful car, and a nice home that has plenty of food. What if someone is happy without all of those things? Is that not deemed acceptable?

      This is a good example of how your writing would benefit from a bit more organization. You can still sound spontaneous and fun, but you need to plan these paragraphs out a bit more so that each one has a focus and so that essay progresses in a way that the reader can follow. This one feels like it jumps backwards and then all of a sudden veers off in a new direction.