However
,
However
,
Numerous scholars view the Middle Passage from a qualitative point of view.
The next sentence seems to say the same thing, remove this sentence.
Zong and Equiano
Italicize
that we must acknowledge
why do we need to acknowledge it now?
Something went wrong, the map did not load correctly.
what were you trying to get here? Can I help?
has affected
doesn't it still in some ways?
My timeline proposal
You didn't clearly tell me what it is, you might want to do that before this sentence.
ean.
you need citations for every sentence
Middle Passage are often represented by percentages rather than counts in discrete data sets
proof? "they say"
his
this___
ctive” versus “objective” in film
good!
subjective experiences and objective data”
quote is too long, shorten it more.
‘[t]he design of technology with respect to details of its designers personal experiences’
is this a quote within a quote? you would want to find the original source.
g”,
it should go ," not ",
Many scholars believe that using data to memorialize human experience is an objective technique that often fails at telling human narratives
you will need to find a source for this. you can use the many in the thesis, but you want to be more specific from there
It’s
unclear, is it patterns or data or story?
Knowitall.org.
you want to find the original source here
the true extent
wording, i don't think it is a "true extent"
with fields like science, math, technology and business booming around the world
I don't think you need this here
When commemorating emotional events, it is often believed that drawing on individual human thoughts and reflections, such as written accounts, is the only way to keep human experiences alive in our memories
you want a they say here to prove that certain ways of memorialization are used more often than others.
With the challenges
You will need another sentence to transition here, this feels too abrupt.
a massive amount
use the number from the slave voyages website
A Story Map
You want to give this a proper title
Feeder 1, I will get to those as well the moment I feel better
email me this week and i will take a look at a better draft.
“The Middle Passage.” Slavery, whslavery.weebly.com/the-middle-passage.html.
peer-reviewed sources. or if this is a picture, find where it came from.
“The Atlantic Slave Trade.” South African History Online, www.sahistory.org.za/article/atlantic-slave-trade.
not a citation.
“Middle Passage for Slaves: History of SC Slide Collection.” Middle Passage for Slaves | History of SC Slide Collection | Knowitall.org, www.knowitall.org/photo/middle-passage-slaves-history-sc-slide-collection.
find original info
trafficked slave ports.
Good! What source gave you this info?
large statistics
wording.
assage
good. cite this though.
this blog pos
storymap? Please look at the feedback from Feeder 1
ul.”
page?
John Blassinger
you want to go to the source. not to use Johnson's version of Blassinger.
l premise of historical monuments of remembrance is whether
I am not following. Are you saying it is controversial to use both? What about other types of memorials? Don't they do this. You would benefit from a "they say" here.
few memorials that physically recognize the hardships faced by innocent enslaved Africans
you might just mention how many or a few examples of those
Textbook excerpts mention the Middle Passage in order to remind readers of the world’s immoral past
maybe you want a they say here. I don't think this is a strong first sentence.
Works Cited
missing image citation.
Equiano’s stories
Are you doing to have time to do this?
isiting involved with different aspects of ritual culture
explain this a little more, I don't see the link.
ants.
page?
This
this___
).”
unpack this. Don't quote unless you are working with the language.
present.”
page number? Unpack this.
The concept of having a physical, land-based memorial is a symbol of respect as well as a reminder of the injustice that occurred in the Middle Passage.
Try to transition to this a little more, this seems abrupt.
without the haze of numbers
ok! This is a good part to talk about how you are going to use her analysis to get at your memorial. HOW DO YOU BALANCE THESE THINGS?
o get lost in
she is saying more than just this.
This
this___ what?
c[GG4]
What is this?
Discussion of Johnson's Article
why?
totality of the Middle Passage.
You need a "they say" in here. It seems to read like an opinion piece a little.
set point of view
ok, you want to address this in the paper.
it is
what is?
different devastations
clarify.
The process off creating a memorial is dependent upon the location and the intended audience
I think you jump into this a little too quickly, try to give an overview first. Like why are we talking about memorials?
ever happens agai
is that the purpose? or are we confronting the past?
ArcGIS graph
map? try to explain where this information comes from.
This c
this__
“Early black historians such as W. E. B. Du Bois, Carter G. Woodson, and Lorenzo Johnston Greene touted the legitimacy of enslaved testimony and created methods for compiling quantitative and qualitative information on early black life. From the 1890s forward, black historians and their allies compiled, aggregated, and visualized data to detail black life in the United States from a black perspective (Johnson 60).”
shorten or interact with the language more.
now that the data
what data?
https://www.laphamsquarterly.org/sites/default/files/styles/tall_rectangle_custom_user_small_2x/public/images/contributor/equiano_360x450.jpg?itok=UOnz30lI×tamp=1411070080
cite.
eivable."
shorten this and provide page numbers.
book
title the book. Not released, but published.
had his memoirs publishe
passive construction.
Picture link: http://abolition.e2bn.org/library/0711/0000/0045/1009509mida_360.jpg
create a complete citation.
Afua Hirsch).”
is there a page number?
this
avoid using "this" in a new section. I don't know what you are talking about.
The letter comes from a place of financial disappointment and not the guilt that comes from being responsible for the death of a human being.
It is hard to see the text, so you should quote some of it and talk about the language.
article
it is not an article, it looks like a letter.
n many of the articles
you want to list them, don't be general, be specific.
a mixed bag
word this differently
Picture link: https://www.gilderlehrman.org/history-now/spotlight-primary-source/middle-passage-1749
cite this, not just provide the link.
Bias Experience of Slaves
I would word this a little different. This seems to say there is a slave bias. Maybe you want to say subjective?
this
"this__" clarify.
Spain due to the most deaths occurring nearby.
Try to show us on the map or tell us why on this map you are using Spain. It looks like most ships went through there, but I am not sure about the dead. please clarify
Most scholars approach the Middle Passage research in a way that entails a subjective opinion with possible sources that have been tampered with in order to make the suffering that occured in the journey seem as miniscule as possible
Split this up a little more. There are too many ideas for one sentence.
Virginia Encyclopedia
you do not want to use this voice. There isn't even a clear author!
BucknellGIS
Please review my notes on your Feeder 1.
Most of their names were changed and documented to slave names so it is almost impossible to be able to put every name on a cemetery for the enslaved individuals.
where is the proof or citation of this?
There are a lot (maybe thousands) of slaves that died on the ship and got thrown over.
the slave voyages website has these estimates.
last-man so feared by Nietzsche will be complete
what does this have to do with the sentence before?
Work Cited
what are images and what aren't? We went over this in class a few times. Please review your notes.
https://www.encyclopediavirginia.org/slave_ships_and_the_middle_passage#:~:targetText=Between 1500 and 1866, Europeans,bodies thrown into the Atlantic
try to find original source.
https://www.blackpast.org/global-african-history/zong-massacre-1781/.
this is not peer reviewed.
NBC4 Washington, NBC4 Washington,
Try to find another piece. We want peer-reviewed sources.
“111. Slave Ship (Slavers Throwing Overboard the Dead and Dying, Typhoon Coming On), Joseph Mallord William Turner - AP Art History.” Google Sites,
incorrect citation. find where this image came from.
Everyone deserves a burial place for their death; the enslaved people who were thrown overboard into the ocean should be remembered and recognized prior to any ot
This feels like an opinion piece. Please use more "they say" here to make this feel like a conversation.
unfortunately their burial ground.
how is the ocean different?
I think ill probably bring up laws against construction or tampering of graves on land
at this point, you should have this research done. please do this as soon as possible.
The trans-Atlantic slave trade is an infamous event that will never be forgotten
Please look at the Sakai Dropbox for my feedback on Feeder 1, I don't see my comments addressed here. Make sure you look at those and respond.
Social Text
italic
Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica
try to find a stronger source here. They got this image from somewhere else.
British Foreign Office. Vol. 4, ser. 84, British Foreign Office, 1819. https://www.slavevoyages.org/resources/images/category/Manuscripts/1
this citation is incorrect, look at the british foreign office to how to better cite this.
Remembering the Middle Passage
I am not sure how the image relates to this section, you might want to choose something else. image 3
dead simply numbers on a webpage
how is a dot different than a number?
Each dot representing one, very human, account of the Atlantic Slave Trade that our audience can explore and sympathize with
how? think about how this would be different than the slave voyages website.
hen we create an app or a webpage or some other interactive media format to allow our audience to virtually explore this area.
how would this be different than the slave voyages website?
That will give our audience a larger sense of just how big the Middle Passage looms in the history of the Atlantic Ocean
I don't see the connection here. Connect to the sentence before to explain this a little more clearly.
dedicate the monument over a large part
is this the part you have indicated on the map or something else?
r emotions
missing in-text citation
Markup Bodies
articles are "" books are italics
they can make a mistake or be unreliable
be a little more specific here. you use unreliable to end a sentence earlier.
Advantages
Watch out for passive construction "has been"
its audience explore deeper
wording is a little strange, maybe its observers understand?
numb our remembrance and empathy for the human lives and sold on the Atlantic Ocean
Good. use evidence to back this up
mostly agreed that such a dedication would be a good way to honor those who lost their lives,
The wording here is a little strange. Try to find evidence from a secondary source to make this claim.
Re-enactment or Remembrance: How Monument Display Effects Human Reaction
Good title.
The lack of emotional representation in the monument creates ambiguity that allows people to separate themselves from the suffering the migrants endured. The beautiful display of words in Mandarin keeps our attention away from the maltreatment they underwent. The absence of violence in this exhibit is meant to steer people away from remembering the violence conflicted on this community by island detention officers
try to combine these into one sentence.
It's meant to distract and re-enact, not commemorate.
Good!
Works Cited:
Great job with your citations!
The
Vary
The commemoration
Vary
The
vary sentence beginning.
In contrast to the National Memorial of Peace and Justice, the Battle of Gettysburg memorial in Virginia, or the Virginia Monument, commemorates individual people rather than a united community and fails to commemorate the historical-cultural context of the commemorated event.
There is a lot to unpack here. I would split this sentence into two.
or the Virginia Monument,
sometimes called? Officially called?
This
This___ distinguishes, also this is the second "this" sentence. close by.
The
Vary the sentence beginning here
This
This__ is
It
"it" is unclear.
analyzing memorials
be specific with he types of memorials you are looking at.
The
Be careful of too many "the" sentences.
these
be specific about why you chose these memorials.
In this way a memorial holds on to the memories of many generations who might view it differently than their ancestors did, while keeping the event relevant throughout the years.
This paragraph is a little too general. Try to specifically relate back to your memorials.
Essentially laying it down and leaving it in the past, knowing that it’s there to pick up again at a later time if the viewer desires by simply returning to the same memorial.
I am not sure what you are saying here. Try to clarify what you mean.
Some have shock value
try not to be too general. Relate this back to your three monuments.
Some memorials cause a strong reaction in the viewer, while others that don’t have that same effect can seem to fade away and lose significance
doesn't this depend on when someone is viewing this?
is one
be a little more descriptive here.
The other purposes of a memorial are that of its ability to show meaning, symbolism, emotions, and a narrative of the past
Good opportunity for a "they say" here about what a scholar thinks a memorial does.
They
It is a little unclear who "they" are
All three of these
Good.
new norms of worship and gathering
this point doesn't come clearly through your piece, try to make this a little clearer throughout.
“from countries far across the sea”
where is this quote coming from?
The voic
I feel like you might want to quote some of the text here.
The
Lots of "the" sentences in this portion of the exhibit.
created in the 1900s
give us a preview, just like two words on why this happened in the 1900s
position
positions
Not including
This seems like a strange way to begin a section, by using the word "not" try to use a different beginning here.
Unlike those who came before, more recent immigrants in Hi-Fi will be met not by the first symbols of a new life from the side of ship but rather the competing businesses from neighoring Little Tokyo or Koreatown and the Hispanic majority in a historically Filipino community through a window a moving car.
This sentence has a little too much going on, I would break this in two sentences.
Faustino "Peping" Baclig
Do you want to give a brief statement about who this is?
As the newest monument, dedicated on November 2006, the veterans memorial epitomizes the dichotomy
This also reads just a little clunky, try to rearrange the sentence a little.
Located in the heart of Hi-Fi is the Filipino American WWII Veterans Memorial, a monument that exemplifies the reincarnated identity of Filipinos in the United States
This sentence reads a little clunky, try to revise like: " The Filipino American WWII Veterans Memorial, located in the heart of Hi-Fi is a monument that exemplifies the reincarnated identity of Filipinos in the United States."
Designed
You start a lot of sentences with a verb, try to limit your use of these to once every few paragraphs. The structure starts to feel repetitive.
"Immigration History." Ethnogeriatrics, Stanford School of Medicine,
you want to avoid sources that don't give you an author.
their ancestors
this is redundant.
English Composition and Rhetoric: Writing in Digital Humanities
whats up with this title?
slave ship
Give me more here. This would be a great spot to include a "they say." I am not seeing enough citations and other voices in your argument.
allowing the experience of walking on a slave ship to be fully acknowledged.
OK! You need to say this earlier, so your reader knows where you are going. You need to tell us where this ship will be, will it go anywhere? Location is perfect.
Middle Passage ship
what ship? There were over 36,000 different journeys.
monuments play a significant role in the narration
is the ship a memorial or not? You need to make this more explicit here.
Henrietta Marie
italics
but it is special to us now because it is the only ship of its kind, a slave trading vessel, that historians have been able to find and identify in American waters.
I am not sure what this means.
The Henrietta Marie
remember when we talked in class that you want to avoid ending a sentence with the same words/subject that you begin the next one.
Henrietta Marie
I am not familiar with this one, can you give us when it was built? Also, you should have some citation information built in here.
e trading.
I think you need a citation.
economic system
missing citation information for the image.
arratives of the Zong!
You are confused about the dates here. the Poems are fairly recent (2000s), but the case of the Zong is much older, 1860s.
ves.
citation, where did you get this information.
embarked
I don't think it includes everyone who embarked, it is concerned with the africans who were brought across.
Narratives are able to provide perspectives from the slaves who bore witness and experiences the gruesome trials of the Middle Passage that will resonate with the audience.
Ok, but as your reader, I want to know how you balance the two of these things. You need to tell your reader.
Also, you need to cite this image.
lavery.
you are missing the image citation here.
y.”
Missing citation.
data analysis,
I am not sure how you are using "analysis" here. I would try to pick the term Johnson uses to describe this and quote it here.
nvolvement of both stances allow for a universal and humanizing understanding of the terrors of certain historical events, such as the Middle Passage, and can further enhance the topic of acknowledging slavery.
this is all very vague. You need to say what type of monument and where?
memorialization
of the middle passage?
trade.
You are paraphrasing Johnson, so you need to have an in-text citation here.
however, they are made invisible or simply listed by numbers at historic sites.
you would need to mention one or two memorials here to back up your claim.
the bodies of the dead
Alive people were also thrown overboard.
and heartbreak during their journey into the realm of enslavement in a cruel world
This should be its own sentence, read the whole thing out loud. It feels a little long.
period of weeks and months
you just said this was a period of 350 years, this construction is confusing. just say "time"
A memorial to the Middle Passage is hundreds of years overdue. With the technological and data capabilities that we have now, we should treat the subject with the utmost respect and equip the historical retelling of the Middle Passage with the technology of the modern age
Perfect ending!
The museum should strive to utilize technology to tell the story of the Middle Passage; through data visualizations, ship visualizations, and interactive exhibits to help visitors understand the Middle Passage more personally.
Excellent.
"For literary scholars, the digitization of this archive offers unprecedented access to new texts whose forms may even change how we understand the literary archive of enslavement itself. This abundance has resulted in more conversation between historians and literary scholars as well as a return to more historicist approaches to African American writing"
Block Quote this since it is so long.
This
Careful with overusing "this"
the Brookes h
you italicize this later, I would just be consistent.
igital records of the Middle Passage are overwhelming, teeming with more data and information than any human could ever comprehend, as the screenshot from the Slave Voyages website highlights.
great sentence.
is impossible to fully neutralize from the violent events of the Middle Passage
great analysis.
The Brookes was just one example of the impact of pathos rather than logos on inciting the public to make change. Memorials are a form of art, and all art should contain some human aspect, especially art that is strictly involved in the actions of humans.
YES!
I argue
I think you are saying you "argue" too much here. Try to remove your voice a little except for the sentences you really want to stick. It feels a little overused here.
of data analysis and narrative accounts without lambasting either method. Bo
YES! Have you ever seen the 9/11 memorial? I think it combines these aspects.
humanities scholars
it feels like "humanities scholars" is a bit overused here, try to use a different term or restructure the sentence to flow a little differently.
humanistic aspect is often already present in modern memorials
It would be more powerful to show us an example or two of this.
Scholars and the general public alike would not disagree with the statement that history needs humanistic components in order to bring out the full context of an event. However, this does not discredit data analysis as a useful starting point, basis, and visualization tool to depict the scope and broad reach of history.
Good!
Humanistic aspect
I feel like you need a transition before here, this sentence looks out of place.
d inspired people to abolish slavery.
give me a little more here. How did it abolish?
must be rethought to include the full First, Middle and Final Passage.
try to give me a little picture (1-2 sentences) on what this might look like, to just give me a preview.
he horrific conditions of the First Passage are similar to those of the abominable conditions of the Middle Passage, however the latter is more well known because of the framework in which history has taught the trans-Atlantic slave trade.
Good.
",
by...
ons left millions of Africans dead before their arrival in th
I am not sure what you are trying to coney in this map. you might want to use one of the maps that I generated.
Historians' attempt to commemorate this colossal loss of lives is rightfully justified based on historical records and accounts of the event.
Good transition
Massive terror, curiosity and confusion towards the strange white Europeans added to the trauma of a slave’s experience prior to the Middle Passage.
Excellent point.
Olaudah Equiano'
You might want to give us the title of his account here.
Olaudah
You only need to say the full name once.
perspective.
give me a little more, talk about emotion
o exclude this narrative in the memorization of the slave trade would be an injustice to the suffering that all slaves experienced prior to being sold at ports.
Good! Yes!
Public Domain.
Just give us the title of this then.
Lindsay, Lisa. "Morality of captives from the port of Luanda, 18th century." April 2019. PowerPoint presentation.
Excellent!
slavery.
Good!
excluding the narrative of the First and Final Passages ignores the physical and emotional trauma that slaves experienced from the point of capture to the point of work.
I would make this into its own sentence.
more focused accounts that are more impactful on spreading the meaning of the sufferings and stories of the Middle Passage rather than acting as an antiquity of a mass scope.
Excellent!
The poem allows us to take a person, who before we didn’t know anything about other than them being a slave and humanize their memory by giving them a potential name
Good.
The
They?