813 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2019
    1. ‘[t]he design of technology with respect to details of its designers personal experiences’

      is this a quote within a quote? you would want to find the original source.

    2. Many scholars believe that using data to memorialize human experience is an objective technique that often fails at telling human narratives

      you will need to find a source for this. you can use the many in the thesis, but you want to be more specific from there

    3. When commemorating emotional events, it is often believed that drawing on individual human thoughts and reflections, such as written accounts, is the only way to keep human experiences alive in our memories

      you want a they say here to prove that certain ways of memorialization are used more often than others.

    1. “Middle Passage for Slaves: History of SC Slide Collection.” Middle Passage for Slaves | History of SC Slide Collection | Knowitall.org, www.knowitall.org/photo/middle-passage-slaves-history-sc-slide-collection.

      find original info

    2. l premise of historical monuments of remembrance is whether

      I am not following. Are you saying it is controversial to use both? What about other types of memorials? Don't they do this. You would benefit from a "they say" here.

    3. Textbook excerpts mention the Middle Passage in order to remind readers of the world’s immoral past

      maybe you want a they say here. I don't think this is a strong first sentence.

    1. The concept of having a physical, land-based memorial is a symbol of respect as well as a reminder of the injustice that occurred in the Middle Passage.

      Try to transition to this a little more, this seems abrupt.

    2. without the haze of numbers

      ok! This is a good part to talk about how you are going to use her analysis to get at your memorial. HOW DO YOU BALANCE THESE THINGS?

    3. The process off creating a memorial is dependent upon the location and the intended audience

      I think you jump into this a little too quickly, try to give an overview first. Like why are we talking about memorials?

    1. “Early black historians such as W. E. B. Du Bois, Carter G. Woodson, and Lorenzo Johnston Greene touted the legitimacy of enslaved testimony and created methods for compiling quantitative and qualitative information on early black life. From the 1890s forward, black historians and their allies compiled, aggregated, and visualized data to detail black life in the United States from a black perspective (Johnson 60).”

      shorten or interact with the language more.

    2. https://www.laphamsquarterly.org/sites/default/files/styles/tall_rectangle_custom_user_small_2x/public/images/contributor/equiano_360x450.jpg?itok=UOnz30lI&timestamp=1411070080

      cite.

    3. The letter comes from a place of financial disappointment and not the guilt that comes from being responsible for the death of a human being.

      It is hard to see the text, so you should quote some of it and talk about the language.

    4. Spain due to the most deaths occurring nearby.

      Try to show us on the map or tell us why on this map you are using Spain. It looks like most ships went through there, but I am not sure about the dead. please clarify

    5. Most scholars approach the Middle Passage research in a way that entails a subjective opinion with possible sources that have been tampered with in order to make the suffering that occured in the journey seem as miniscule as possible

      Split this up a little more. There are too many ideas for one sentence.

    1. Most of their names were changed and documented to slave names so it is almost impossible to be able to put every name on a cemetery for the enslaved individuals.

      where is the proof or citation of this?

    2. https://www.encyclopediavirginia.org/slave_ships_and_the_middle_passage#:~:targetText=Between 1500 and 1866, Europeans,bodies thrown into the Atlantic

      try to find original source.

    3. “111. Slave Ship (Slavers Throwing Overboard the Dead and Dying, Typhoon Coming On), Joseph Mallord William Turner - AP Art History.” Google Sites,

      incorrect citation. find where this image came from.

    4. Everyone deserves a burial place for their death; the enslaved people who were thrown overboard into the ocean should be remembered and recognized prior to any ot

      This feels like an opinion piece. Please use more "they say" here to make this feel like a conversation.

    5. I think ill probably bring up laws against construction or tampering of graves on land

      at this point, you should have this research done. please do this as soon as possible.

    6. The trans-Atlantic slave trade is an infamous event that will never be forgotten

      Please look at the Sakai Dropbox for my feedback on Feeder 1, I don't see my comments addressed here. Make sure you look at those and respond.

    1. British Foreign Office. Vol. 4, ser. 84, British Foreign Office, 1819. https://www.slavevoyages.org/resources/images/category/Manuscripts/1

      this citation is incorrect, look at the british foreign office to how to better cite this.

    2. Each dot representing one, very human, account of the Atlantic Slave Trade that our audience can explore and sympathize with

      how? think about how this would be different than the slave voyages website.

    3. hen we create an app or a webpage or some other interactive media format to allow our audience to virtually explore this area.

      how would this be different than the slave voyages website?

    4. That will give our audience a larger sense of just how big the Middle Passage looms in the history of the Atlantic Ocean

      I don't see the connection here. Connect to the sentence before to explain this a little more clearly.

    5. mostly agreed that such a dedication would be a good way to honor those who lost their lives,

      The wording here is a little strange. Try to find evidence from a secondary source to make this claim.

  2. Oct 2019
    1. The lack of emotional representation in the monument creates ambiguity that allows people to separate themselves from the suffering the migrants endured. The beautiful display of words in Mandarin keeps our attention away from the maltreatment they underwent. The absence of violence in this exhibit is meant to steer people away from remembering the violence conflicted on this community by island detention officers

      try to combine these into one sentence.

    2. In contrast to the National Memorial of Peace and Justice, the Battle of Gettysburg memorial in Virginia, or the Virginia Monument, commemorates individual people rather than a united community and fails to commemorate the historical-cultural context of the commemorated event.

      There is a lot to unpack here. I would split this sentence into two.

    1.  In this way a memorial holds on to the memories of many generations who might view it differently than their ancestors did, while keeping the event relevant throughout the years. 

      This paragraph is a little too general. Try to specifically relate back to your memorials.

    2. Essentially laying it down and leaving it in the past, knowing that it’s there to pick up again at a later time if the viewer desires by simply returning to the same memorial.

      I am not sure what you are saying here. Try to clarify what you mean.

    3. Some memorials cause a strong reaction in the viewer, while others that don’t have that same effect can seem to fade away and lose significance

      doesn't this depend on when someone is viewing this?

    4. The other purposes of a memorial are that of its ability to show meaning, symbolism, emotions, and a narrative of the past

      Good opportunity for a "they say" here about what a scholar thinks a memorial does.

    1. Unlike those who came before, more recent immigrants in Hi-Fi will be met not by the first symbols of a new life from the side of ship but rather the competing businesses from neighoring Little Tokyo or Koreatown and the Hispanic majority in a historically Filipino community through a window a moving car.

      This sentence has a little too much going on, I would break this in two sentences.

    2. As the newest monument, dedicated on November 2006, the veterans memorial epitomizes the dichotomy

      This also reads just a little clunky, try to rearrange the sentence a little.

    3. Located in the heart of Hi-Fi is the Filipino American WWII Veterans Memorial, a monument that exemplifies the reincarnated identity of Filipinos in the United States

      This sentence reads a little clunky, try to revise like: " The Filipino American WWII Veterans Memorial, located in the heart of Hi-Fi is a monument that exemplifies the reincarnated identity of Filipinos in the United States."

  3. Apr 2019
    1. allowing the experience of walking on a slave ship to be fully acknowledged.

      OK! You need to say this earlier, so your reader knows where you are going. You need to tell us where this ship will be, will it go anywhere? Location is perfect.

    2. but it is special to us now because it is the only ship of its kind, a slave trading vessel, that historians have been able to find and identify in American waters.

      I am not sure what this means.

    3. Narratives are able to provide perspectives from the slaves who bore witness and experiences the gruesome trials of the Middle Passage that will resonate with the audience.

      Ok, but as your reader, I want to know how you balance the two of these things. You need to tell your reader.

      Also, you need to cite this image.

    4. nvolvement of both stances allow for a universal and humanizing understanding of the terrors of certain historical events, such as the Middle Passage, and can further enhance the topic of acknowledging slavery. 

      this is all very vague. You need to say what type of monument and where?

    5. and heartbreak during their journey into the realm of enslavement in a cruel world

      This should be its own sentence, read the whole thing out loud. It feels a little long.

    1. A memorial to the Middle Passage is hundreds of years overdue. With the technological and data capabilities that we have now, we should treat the subject with the utmost respect and equip the historical retelling of the Middle Passage with the technology of the modern age

      Perfect ending!

    2. The museum should strive to utilize technology to tell the story of the Middle Passage; through data visualizations, ship visualizations, and interactive exhibits to help visitors understand the Middle Passage more personally.

      Excellent.

    3. "For literary scholars, the digitization of this archive offers unprecedented access to new texts whose forms may even change how we understand the literary archive of enslavement itself. This abundance has resulted in more conversation between historians and literary scholars as well as a return to more historicist approaches to African American writing"

      Block Quote this since it is so long.

    4. igital records of the Middle Passage are overwhelming, teeming with more data and information than any human could ever comprehend, as the screenshot from the Slave Voyages website highlights.

      great sentence.

    5. The Brookes was just one example of the impact of pathos rather than logos on inciting the public to make change. Memorials are a form of art, and all art should contain some human aspect, especially art that is strictly involved in the actions of humans.

      YES!

    6. I argue

      I think you are saying you "argue" too much here. Try to remove your voice a little except for the sentences you really want to stick. It feels a little overused here.

    7. humanities scholars

      it feels like "humanities scholars" is a bit overused here, try to use a different term or restructure the sentence to flow a little differently.

    8. Scholars and the general public alike would not disagree with the statement that history needs humanistic components in order to bring out the full context of an event. However, this does not discredit data analysis as a useful starting point, basis, and visualization tool to depict the scope and broad reach of history. 

      Good!

    1. must be rethought to include the full First, Middle and Final Passage.

      try to give me a little picture (1-2 sentences) on what this might look like, to just give me a preview.

    2. he horrific conditions of the First Passage are similar to those of the abominable conditions of the Middle Passage, however the latter is more well known because of the framework in which history has taught the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

      Good.

    3. ons left millions of Africans dead before their arrival in th

      I am not sure what you are trying to coney in this map. you might want to use one of the maps that I generated.

    4. Historians' attempt to commemorate this colossal loss of lives is rightfully justified based on historical records and accounts of the event. 

      Good transition

    5. Massive terror, curiosity and confusion towards the strange white Europeans added to the trauma of a slave’s experience prior to the Middle Passage.  

      Excellent point.

    6. o exclude this narrative in the memorization of the slave trade would be an injustice to the suffering that all slaves experienced prior to being sold at ports.  

      Good! Yes!

    7. excluding the narrative of the First and Final Passages ignores the physical and emotional trauma that slaves experienced from the point of capture to the point of work.

      I would make this into its own sentence.

    1. more focused accounts that are more impactful on spreading the meaning of the sufferings and stories of the Middle Passage rather than acting as an antiquity of a mass scope.

      Excellent!

    2. The poem allows us to take a person, who before we didn’t know anything about other than them being a slave and humanize their memory by giving them a potential name

      Good.