At the end, historians decide what is an importantfact and what is not
Also, are Historians not a very closeted group? Western epistemologies, etc
At the end, historians decide what is an importantfact and what is not
Also, are Historians not a very closeted group? Western epistemologies, etc
should develop the habit of reading and interpreting the evidence at the same time.
But if you started interpreting and reading evidence at once, You might pick up on one train that you'd then try to fit all subsequent evidence into (like I'm doing now lol) -> thereby shaping your history into "what you want"
he objective historian is also one who “penetrates most deeply” into the mutual method of fact and value, who recognises that facts and values are not necessarily in opposition to differences in standards emerging from disparity of historical fact, and vice versa.
Could tie in value theory -> How does historian conclude on truth if not in a biased manner? Are historical truths not liable to change as well?
Intro para -> explain difference between fact/value -> cite examples he cites -> refute
does this by arguing that the standard for objectivity in history is the historian’s “sense of the direction in history”, which means the historian selects facts not on personal bias, but on the ability to choose “the right facts, or, in other words, that he applies the right standard of significance”.
But ain't this personal bias??
He overlooks the reality that new evidence and new theory can offer new interpretations.
Is this true?
For example, Carr’s argument that facts are a priori decision of the historian, and that the historians’ influence on and the arrangement of these facts is what constitutes historical meaning. However, this gives rise to the risk of subjectivity and the outcome may not be an accurate representation of the evidence.
Exactly what you're saying. Even outside of the whole "narrow focus" thing -> you're inherently trying to fit the jigsaw pieces (facts) within your own mould/framework, while maybe leaving out important pieces.
On one hand, can't KNOW what pieces are important (slavery) But he also actively encourages to leave out facts so we can fit things to mould our view / aim (find example?)
Consequently, Carr advocates for narrow, biased interpretations of history which, while they may bring to light relevant information for the present, do not bring to light everything.
Even appears to prize people who have done this, sayign great history tells us as much about a historian's society as the one under study.
OVERALL... while I agree with Carr's definition of history as a progressive science and continual conversation between past and present, his notion that the historian must give priority to some facts over others is misleading.
. The writing is added to and subtracted from as he goes along. He found that his reading was more guided and directed by the writing as he went along.
Ok, but admits bias entirely here. Starts with an aim in mind. Doesn't tell us anything related to filtration of facts here.
A society which loses its belief in its capacity to move into the future will quickly cease to concern itself with its progress in the past.
hmm
The historian must seek to bring into the picture all known or knowable facts, relevant in one sense or the other to the theme and the interpretation proposed.
But again, how do we define relevant?
Again, his example of slavery here arises. Facts are apt to change in relevancy -> so what if "Black people look a lot like literally all other humans" isn't a relevant "fact" when writing history in the 17th century -> it will become relevant later on (especially during the abolition period.
Carr's does address this in that he claims history is a constantly evolving process and new (broader) interpretations are made as society progresses, but also admits history (events) doesn't progress along a straight line, but rather rises and falls -> so how can we know that the society after us will actually build off of our arguments? Even suggessts that societies who fall won't progress back up the same ladder, but move forwards in an entirely different direction -> so who's to say the society after this one's collapse won't ignore our "relevant" facts that slavery is immoral ?
They are always refracted through the mind of the recorder
Non western epistemologies -> just as good as "recorded" history
French history in the latter twentieth century was deeply affected by the Russian Revolution of 1917. Carr advises historians that equal importance should be given to the date and publication of writing as the name of the author when commencing on a study.
Ok, but should we not be MORE aware of this? Like, need a goal in mind, yes, (Studying Russian imperial expansion because of Ukraine nowadays) but also can't limit ourselves to this. Also claims we need to "be aware" of our present / future bias, but then claims we need to have a bias (goal) in mind when conducting history? Seems counter intuitive.
If, for instance, one were to study Russian Imperial Expansion or, closer to Carr's wheelhouse, Soviet expansion in the 20th century with the aim of explaining the ongoing war in Ukraine, we would have an admirable goal in mind (similar to a rigid thesis for an essay as opposed to a broad chronicle of events like he mentions in the Rowley test examples) but we would also be confining ourselves to just this perspective -> ie the political and economic reasons?
The modern historian on the other hand has the dual task of discovering a few significant facts and discarding the insignificant ones as unhistorical.
See this (in regards to modern history) How can we know what facts are unhistorical given that historical interpretation is a constantly evolving/progressive process?
Thesis...? -> Carr's notion of history as progress, and his idea that facts must be rooted out and discarded are incompatible?
Claims we must gaze into future and see all possibilities/become aware to write the best history (counter argument) but how can we possibly know what the future will bring? Maybe cite an example that HE cites about the future turning out far differently than expected. In that sense, need to take into account ALL facts since we - by nature - don't know whether or not Caesar's horse was brown is / isn't an important fact. He cites slavery for instance
Their status as historical facts will depend on their interpretation.
Disagree with status of historical facts?
he question whither also assumes importance, since the line of demarcation between pre-historic and historical times is eclipsed when people cease to live only in the present and become consciously interested in their past and future.
Disagreed w/ this -> outdated modes of social history (ie focusing on before recorded history)
Maybe tie to archaeology? Broad patterns and "New Archaeology"?
Also, "historical times" -> does this apply to everyone? Still isolate tribes, are we saying linear time was invented by Abrahamic religions? What about cyclical Chinese / Indian views on time, in eras when their civilization was greater than in Europe, etc
raw material for the historian,
Raw material may have something too. Unsure
He however asserts that fact without accurate interpretation is ineffectua
This might be key -> what is "ineffectual"? -> demarcation between historical facts and other facts of the past.
great history is written when the historian’s view of the past is illuminated by insights into the conditions of the present.
Might take issue here -> agree that view of the past illuminated by present, but also causes bias.
Confusing because Carr doesn't seem to make up his mind here -> On one hand, thinks great history teaches us as much about the society it was written in as the society under study (ie Rome and Germany, etc). But does this not limit our understanding by deliberately confining us to one goal in mind? Carr thinks all great (or even just normal) history has a goal in mind, and that otherwise we're just "collecting facts" -> but is it not best to view ALL possible facts?
History as pleasure -> useless facts as nothing -> actually trying to compile, say, every detail possible about civil war uniforms to have a renenactment
Also, biography? What if we're just trying to seek out all information possible on our ancestors?
history is a continual process of interaction; a dialogue between the historian in the present and the facts of the past and the relative weight of individuals and social elements on both sides of the equation.
Ok so History (study, and specify it as a discipline) is a continual conversation between present and past (emphasize progressiveness), where individuals and social forces both influence what is under study and the study itself.
Carr’s theory of the subject of history is at odds with the modern idea of history as it has many branches such as social, economic, education history amongst others.
SO... Carr's views are too focused on political history maybe? Ignores social history which is JUST from masses/social forces?
Also doesn't address "natural" accidents in history -> ie those outside of man's control. (Pompeii)
Carr, since people did not form into political organisations in the modern sense until the last two centuries he considers the history of the masses prior to the 1800s as insignificant and ‘unsound’. This is very narrow definition of history
Good way to counter -> wait, wouldn't it be way more important to study masses beforehand since political orgs couldn't be as influenced by a series of higher up / wealthy individuals? I guess rulers argument, but idk.
AND what about social history? History of cultures? of art? These are as valid because they help explain the culture/art of the present, and yet wouldn't involve great men in the same way.
Or would they? Nah. van Gogh was an impressionist
the very act of asking a question the historian limits his choice of material – that he finds in the evidence that for which he looks”
MAYBE ... -> claims we should START history by writing and asking questions (again, he's in the middle here) -> but by this is he not imposing an even more narrow scope on History?
I suppose he'd counter this by saying Hist needs a goal in mind, but surely an approach with the least amount of bias would result in a clearer picture?
Of course, can you even avoid asking a question when studying? Isn't there kinda a reason I want to study Russian history? to see patterns for Ukraine?
oncludes that history in effect is determined by historian and as such it is the reflection of the historian’s time and environment.
KEY -> THIS could be a good counter if we dig up something.
mprobable that all sources regarding any one event can be attained. As such it is inevitable that some form of selection must occur.
HARD AGREE
e events are undeniable
Like?
Whilst, it is acceptable that the historian will be, to an extent affected by their environment, it does not necessitate that their interpretation will necessarily be biased. It is entirely possible that Meineckes has changed his opinion about the German government due to the appearance of new evidence. This point is exemplified by Elton (2002, p. 54) who states, “This is not a question of interpreting fact but of establishing it, and the difference resulting is likely to be differences in the degree and depth of knowledge, no more.”
Doesn't he kind of address this? Carr says the best Historians are those who are aware of their social biases and able to kinda "transcend" them
how
How to STRUCTURE (ie this is his argument, here's the specific examples he cites, etc)
e uniforms and cinder blocks.
Excellent evocations
musicians
Visual and sonic tie back to creation
For them, the border is a not an invitationto think about nations, music or politics: it is thewall of a prison
Collapsing virtual world -> virtual world with tangible consequences (separation of families)
e virtual,
As in projection/imposition? of a perspective
bridge blockade
Origins in protest
mimeograph
Mass production
The Eastern Door
This sounds familiar...?
met guitarist Rex Richardson, and toured across the U.S. in 1979 with Richardson, who set his poems to music.
Damn this guy was COOL
Haida people in the Queen Charlotte Islands of British Columbia, as a ranch hand in the vicinity of Susanville, California, and doing archaeological field work with the Paiute people of Pyramid Lake
WIDE contact with vastly diverse Ind groups across NA
became an ironworker in his teens, working in various cities in the American West. In
Tie into Diane?
nfluenced by European and American traditions. His grandfather was a school teacher at Kahnawake, exposed to the art of storytelling through the plays of William Shakespeare and the tales of Haudenosaunee.
VERY interesting: cross cultural inspirations -> do these come across?
raised in the Mohawk language.
Interestingm how does this impact his poetry / relationship w/ English ?
“and showeth forth the ulcers that are covered withtissue,” thereby making “kings fear to be tyrants.
Moral use of poetry/tragedy
superior to both the philosopher ang thehistorian, because he is more concrete than the one and more universal than theother.
PULLQUOTE
livelier and more affecting way than, nature does,
Allows him to ONE UP nature basically
efense argues both that the, poet, erate els intervene r“withi ; is own wi
key for discussion -- poets are free from reality and have total control over their own (only pure creation/art as opposed to sculpting)
Halifax food scene inside and out
Past summers and such have made me extremey familiar with Halifax/Dartmouth's food scenes. From commercial spots to idk hole in the walls -> gloss over this one but mention it
You love food, from
Home cook, passionate about cuisine. WELL TRAVELLED -> EXPERIENCE TRYINF LOTS OF CULTURE, AND HAVE GROWN UP ABROAD BUT ATLANTIC CUISINE IS ALSO SPECIAL TO HEART. Whether it be my grandfather's saltfish to seviche in Quito to Dahl Bhat in Nepal, I'm on a mission to sample all of the world's wonderful cuisines. Dream is to be a travel writer
ry but stories from food and
Interview producers/artists about their work/challenges/etc
beyond the mainstream and social media news a
Fringe Arts: - beyond mainstream for music, wine, etc - Focused on underground stories as News editor
provided a few African-Canadian boxers like Langford and George Dixon with temporary social momentum,allowing them to live relatively lavish lifestyles. But we should be careful aboutromanticising boxing as the first bastion of black Canadian "economic advancement.
Appeal was romanticism of social advancement / becoming "great" but it wasn't the first "bastion of Black Canadian econ advancement"
, boxing is only "good for some black men, allowing them to escape thedeprivation of the slums, but for many, it merely reflects and aggravates their basicoppression
Myth that boxing a gateway / escape of economic / racial depravity for Blacks in NS - > in reality, aggrivates basic oppression for most.
was revered by black and white Nova Scotians. As his careerwound down and his skills inevitably deteriorated, however, many of his white NovaScotian 'fans' deserted him. Practically blind, Langford was reduced to travelling with theBill Lynch amusement show, putting on boxing exhibitions against local boxers like JoeHartnett of Halifax. Not long after his Bill Lynch days, Langford was found living blind,penniless and alone in a small apartment in New York City
Apparently, white supporters / admirers turn on him once his skills deteriorate.
In interwar Nova Scotia the ring was by no means a place where racism and racialintolerance could so easily be surmounted. Even the most successful and celebrated ofAfrican-Nova Scotian boxers, Sam "the Boston Tarbaby" Langford, was unable to escapewhite hatred and its devastating effects. Langford was one of the most talented boxersin the history not only of Nova Scotia but the world. At the height of his career, hefought some of the best boxers in the world - Jack Johnson, Joe Gans, Joe Jeanette -travelled the globe in search of opponents, and won the Australian and Mexicanheavyweight championships.
At height of interwar period, famed Black boxers like Sam Langford becoming country champs
ing that we are living the bestmoments with them infinitely.
Eternal Return?
lashists believe that when you die and your life flashes before youreyes, you will not view the few “important” moments of your life, but instead you will see everysingle one again, including the moment that your life flashes before your eyes
COOL
It is also common practiceto wear shoes a few sizes too small so that they squeeze on your toes, causing them to curl in,putting you in a constant state of standing on your toes.
this is really cool :)
Women and children received most of the clothing Johnson distributed:they accounted for almost 69 percent of his total expenditure on clothingduring this period. Outfitting warriorsand sachems accounted for i6.3 per-cent and I2.5 percent respectively and outfitting the dead only 2.6 percen
EXAMPLES
It accounted for fif-teen kinds of items and approximately66.5 percent of the total value of thepresents
EXAMPLES
Like many eighteenth-century gentlemen, he collected and displayed within his home "curiosities,"objects he valued for beauty, craftsmanship, or rarity. These includedwampum, bows and arrows, calumets, and Indian clothing. Other gentleman-collectors requested Johnson's assistance in procuring such items of Indiandress as beaver coats, moccasins, and belts.
ALSO -> provides ind good to euro collectors
Johnson sponsored Mohawk raids on Frenchcolonists and their Indian allies. In his expense account between December1746 and November 1747 he identified by name more than thirty Indianswith whom he conducted this busines
MORE EXAMPLES JOHNSON
him of gr
test 2
Hendrick's costume added to his prestige and influence among Indians aswell. Much of his power as a sachem rested on his ability to funnel goodsfrom his European counterpartsto his fellow villagers. In this capacity, thepeople of Canajohariecould not have asked for a more productive emissary.From I70I, when h
BECAUSE Hendrick can weave influence via clothing
. Realizing thatan impressive outfit, a well-orchestratedentrance, or a ceremonial presenta-tion of a gift could speak volumes, Johnson and Hendrick used the nonver-bal languageof appearanceto negotiate cultural borders
Realizing popularity of clothing and the cultural significance/messages it could carry, Johnson gets rich by manipulating (also Hendrick)
ohnson's accounts reveal that he distributed clothing to sachems and war-riors personally-often in one-to-one encounters-when going to war, hon-oring the dead, or entertaining friends. When he gave clothing to Indianwomen and children, he distributed it in much greater quantities and formore utilitarian reasons:on May 24, I747, for example, he entered a debit inhis accounts of ?49.I7.o for "Cloathing for their [Indian warriors']Womenand Children being naked."3
EXAMPLE OF JOHNSON TRANSACTIONS -> all aspects of Ind society like Euro goods - women/kids - warriors -Sachems - ALL PAY FOR THESE
lso gave paint and knives, along with "A Shirt very fine withRuffles & ribon" and "A fine lac'd Hatt . . . with a Cockade."31The sameaccount shows that Johnson distribute
ALSO Gifts during Indian wars to influence allience
and vermillion, which has a red.
ADDING EURO DYES TO TRADITIONAL TATTOOS
IndianFashion."23Indian consumers rarely adopted European costume from headto foot, an
Indians wearing Euro clothing IN DISTINCTIVE WAYS (Furs impacting Euro fashion? Big component of Atlantic consumerism/culture?) Wearing looser, as loincloths/with moccasins -> more skin exposed BECAUSE THEY'RE CONSUMERS -> THEY ALLOW EUROS TO EXPAND THEIR MARKETS -> WANT PARTICULAR GOODS LIKE TEA AND SUCH -> AID IN EXPANSION OF CONSUMER REVOLUTION IN COLONIES - ALSO want specific TYPES of clothing / colours - This enabled individuals like JOHNSON and Peter Kalm (maybe not) to have UNPRECEDENTED levels of luxury because of this trade exchange / new markets - Overall enriches colonies mayhaps?
ohnson lived in the middle of this trade. T
JOHNSON's role -> expediating goods goig in BOTH DIRECTIONS -> furs, ginseng gathered by Indians - Also colonist goods - IMPORTS booze, clothes, weapoms
l mobility of its weare
test
did more than simply imitate the fashions of English gentle-folk. They used trade goods to invent new appearances,new ceremonies, anda new, visual language by which they communicated in a diverse and con-tentious world.
NEW culture apart frm eng
ing offered to Indian men, women, and children.11Clothing helped the Mohawk Valley's inhabitants establish what RichardWhite calls a "middle ground
clothing as middle ground
mportance of clothing inself-presentation.
clothing as material culture evidence here
,dressed and painted after the manner ofan Indian War Captai
johnson dresses as both colonist and indian
portrai
Using VISUAL CULTURE as evidence
Together, Johnson and Hendrick exerted a tremendousinfluence on the Covenant Chain, an alliance governing economic anddiplomatic relations between the Iroquois confederacy and Great Britain'sNorth American colonies.
Johnson (colonist) and Hendrick (Mohawk leader) have massive joint influence on Covenant Chain alliance which oversees the relationship between Iroquois and colonies.
hose who earned their freedom continued to desire land and au-tonomy, and their aspirations threatened a renewal of the Indian wars thatrelentless territorial expansion had brought in its trai
D I R E C T -> TERRITORIAL expansion sparks Indian wars
saw colonization as an opportunity to erect a reformed reli-gious polity. Unlike their counterparts elsewhere, settlers in those plantationswere watched more closely and disciplined more effectively than they hadbeen in England—and they in turn had responsibility for the watchful care oftheir neighbors. Since they simplified worship and replaced oversight by bish-ops with that of the congregation, their praxis transferred more easily intothe “wilderness.”
"wilderness" allows radical protestantism to develop in isolation
Other migrants who were unableto pay their passage signed indentures to serve for a set number of yea
Indentured servitude
Proportionally more English people mi-grated to the Atlantic world in the 1630s than would be the case at any othertime
MORE ENGLISH MIGRATE IN 1630S THEN AT ANY OTHER TIME
male majority, even in New England, where migrantfamilies helped somewhat to balance the sex rati
Colonies dominated by men
The primary crop produced for export by colonists in 1640was tobacco. It was cultivated in Virginia, Bermuda, Bar
Mostly tobacco across colonies by 1640
The massive out-migration from England helped to bind these new At-lantic settlements to the center, since the passenger-carrying trade vastly in-creased the number of English ships sailing Atlantic waters.
Settler colonies allow greater traffic/trade ->increase presence of British ships in Atlantic
All plantations were heavily reliant on the ships that plied the Atlanticseasonally, bringing new settlers and servants as well as essential supplies thatcould not be produced locally. T
ALL TRADE basically w/ England -> Dependant on this trade (seasonal supplies)
Efforts to keep the government in the hands of a selectgroup within the Massachusetts Bay Company had failed when the malehousehold heads demanded and got (save for a restriction based on churchmembership) the right to send representatives to the annual meeting of theassembly
Development of this self-govt
Warwick had trouble getting colonists to acceptthe governor he sent, acquiescing in 1640 to the popular choice after his owncandidate was rejected. 19 By 1640, about half of all colonies had created alegislative body that would allow planters a degree of self-government, re-gardless of the plans of their colonial masters
Colonists here declare self governmen by 1640 -> because of land claims on Indians maybe ?
Planters sought to own theland they worked and to have the say in government that went with landownership in England, despite the claims of proprietors or charter compa-nies. As one observer put it, settlers objected that English lords “exact rent,and would fain be absolute.
Confloct between settlers and LLs -> basically want say in govt and rights to own their land (Peasants basically)
nRhode Island, New Hampshire, New Haven, Connecticut, and Long Island,colonists functioned independently of any English proprietor. They oftenshored up their claims by purchases from or agreements with local Indians
D I R E C T -> Indians provide land purchases for colonists who use this land to ASSERT claims over land in region and seem more legit
Connecticut was on the sameunofficial footing as neighboring New Haven and Rhode Island; all threecould be characterized as “squatter” colonies. 15
Ie not officially granted (squatter colonies)
Maryland, half a dozen years old in 1640, remained on aprecarious footing, a high death rate having reduced the population to onlyabout six hundred people. 13 In all, nearly half the residents in the Stuart At-lantic of 1640 lived on land owned by a (usually nonresident) proprietor
COLONISTS MOSTLY LIVE IN land of unpresent proprietor -> UNSTEADY FOOTING/ HIGH DEATH RATE AMONG RESIDENTS
Kirke himself settled with one hundred colo-nists at Ferryland on the southeast coast in 1639. 10 More populous thanNewfoundland, Maine had perhaps five hundred residents, living in three orfour coastal villages and as many fishing stations, along the coast betweenPiscataqua and Casco Ba
1639 Maine tiny in terms of settlement patterns (under proprieter David Kirke)
Unlike the predominantly English migrants who resided in their colo-nies, this group of proprietors included men with extensive Scottish and Irishinterests; Carlisle, though he lived most of his life in England, had inheriteda Scottish earldom,
Proprietors start in Ireland plantations -> expands outwards
Great men—most of whom never gazed upon a single colonial planta-tion—owned the English Atlantic world and sought to control it. Had theEnglish produced a map of North America and the Caribbean in 1640,
BY 17TH CENTURY -> ENGLISH COLONIES CONTROLLED BY INDIVIDUAL GREAT MEN (Proprietors ) and three charter companies -> """"""direct"""""" authority over great landmasses.
EVEN AREAS WHERE NO ENGLISH LIVED -> Chesapeake, Bahamas
Then its shoulders, its legs, its tail. It rolled itself in the blood, letting it coat its driedskin, before slithering along the rocks.
GENUINELY creepy
n the damp light of the moon, a faint silhouette of a man dragged the bodies of twohikers out of the cav
not developed enough, unless main character?
bon
real horror doesn't have gore coward
A stalactite had fallen and jutted out of the skin where his neck met his should
WAY too not impactful
This is so fuckin’ cool,” he laughed, bouncing the light off the rocks, causing theshadows to dance around them.“Mhm,” Kate mumbled, taking another bite of her bar. I could be eating pasta right now,she thought.
nice
slope into the lak
establish scenery a bit better? Good flow but hard to get a sense of environment...
o digging through them no
why?
e an unconscious toddle
sleeping?
eat, Buck.” D
How about Trainspotting? first person and in line w/ narrator -> more revelation of character observations.
Dicky spotted her near the statue where the sea of bodies starteddissipating, canvassing big red
What does Dicky think of this?
ould’ve been his world, but it wasn’t, and it never would be. He had his scholarship, and then hedidn’t.
elaborate?
Translation: Dicky
great dialogue
Dicky?
TENSION in dialogue
grade
Big question: WHERE to slow down?
elling me horrors wit
asked about Mr. Ellis (thoughts?)
“Oh I apologize, does Mr Ellis not live here? I’ll have to stop sending his checks to this address,then.” They both fell silent, so the voice continued. “Please sit down, sir.”
great, chilling dialogue. Brutal without saying much.
free as they w
AGREE w/ Terry -> flesh out thoughts more of Delta. Timeframe is good, and believe trauma bonding works well to establish relationship -> maybe emphasize this earlier.
al and intimate as a kis
make this more intimate
Dani, you and I, we’re different. You were born in America, and two wonderful men adopted you.I grew up here, in a country where kissing you could get us both in a lot of trouble. If
Emphasize place
This would have been the perfect time to say something, to tell him the truth.But I was scared.
Again, emphasize / hint beforehand me thinks -> even if not explicit
“I wouldn’t have a problem with it if you weren’t.”
hint
But I think that’s just what they were telling themselves to feel better about their lazy,unromantic partners.
Narrator has certain view?
fiveguys with defined calves stood behind Jake in support.
Love this.
was six hours to prom.
Great opener
In 1789 William Wilberforce, a wealthy philanthropist and M.P. fromHull, and a close friend of Pitt—later esteemed, as we have seen, by literateWest Indian slaves—introduced resolutions in the House of Commons againstthe slave trade
BACKGROUND: FIRST HOC DEBATE ON ISSUE 1789
Ines Braul
Overall: Interesting start to either a novel or series of vignettes. I liked the vignette/slice of life structure and didn't actually expect it to come full circle until Maria and Valentina/August see e/o in the street -> Then I was immediately intrigued. In fact, still throught it'd be shared universe situation because no interaction.
Clearly NOT a whole -> though Maria's was isolated enough I thought it'd be cooler to see an "apartment block vignette" style novel (like Brooklyn/TS) instead of trad novel.
Am interested to see where characters play out w/ e/o
Biggest issue I have is that narrator describes feelings / relationships / character situations too much when I personally would rather see them illustrated through action
Mayumi -> described as being self conscious about beauty, Bi/gay, and especially as second mom to kids. However, actual dialogue and interactions with kids/siblings do a better job at establishing this and make it unnecessary for the narrator to state. So, I would recommend fleshing out these scenes -> like adding way more dialogue between Tala and Mayumi that establishes what kind of personalities they have and the relationship that develops as a result.
. Her sadness was overwhelming, it was like a bad smell that stays in your nose for a few minutes
NEGLECTED PLEASURES does seem short through
oms always used her as an example “You don’t want to end up like Maria. She dropped out of school and now nasty men are visiting her. Ant Gracie says she’d addicted to cocaine too. You better stay in school girl or you’ll end up just like her
NEGLECTED PLEASURES
Maria was infamous in the neighbourhood
I LIKE this angle -> very nice
which left Mayumi very confused.
Again, elaborate through thoughts/actions idk
he girls danced together all night long and Mayum
Beautiful
At her last party, she had kissed her best friend. She knew she liked her a lot but wasn’t sure of what her feelings were. Her parents were Filipino, and she didn’t think they would accept her if she came home with a girlfriend.
Another instance.
And you Adan, you shouldn’t get involved in your brothers’ stupid fight, you’re too old for that
ACTUAL ADVICE: See scenes like this do just what I was saying without the need for the narrator to establish this. Reader puts two and two together -> allows us to spend more time w/ characters
xcept that Mayumi had been forced to become a woman because she was the second mom for her siblings, she took and picked them up from school, made them supper, and helped them with their homework when her mom wasn’t there
ACTUAL ADVICE: If a LONGER WORK -> would rather see this explained through actions of Mayumi / interactions with Tala. Establish that this is the kind of relationship they have instead of saying it.
Saying it feels valuable when there's less space to convey, but it should build somewhere I think
Mayumi teared up the poster and threw it into the tr
ACTUAL ADVICE If this is building up to this moment, I do wnder why NOW she decides to do this. Also would maybe open with her tearing off the poster -> could even just leave it at that. Notice her curves/whiteness and compare to herself -> then tear. Don't pull back into a biography here
The painting embraced the purity and innocence that Mayumi had lost, and it represented the insecurities that she had carried with her since she was a little gir
same
To feel more adult, more sophisticated, she had hanged a poster of Botticelli’s Birth of Venus.
NEGLECTED PLEASURES -> but ALSO could be example of just hanging it as opposed to narrator explaining why.
Mayumi lived her life one obsession to another, it kept her alive and distracted her from the emptiness she felt, constantly chasing her, like a cat chasing a moos
Unsure how I like the narrator explaining characters this much.
Should we go down and get a few beers before the party?
QUESTION: interesting ending, is this supposed to lead somewhere or is the vignette finished?
shoulder dance transformed in a more intimate on
NEGLECTED PLEASURES: nice
Valentina had never felt anything like it before
meh
August smiled and looked into Vale
Emphasize closeness here through sensory details More details of skin/breath/face like you had above!
Valentina had meet August at a neighborhood party, he lived five minutes away from her in another big grey apartment building and had always been sweet to her. As Valentina was lost in August’s warmth, the vinyl stopped playing. Valentina got up and asked August to come and help her find a new vinyl to put on. August got up and looked through her collection. Valentina had the best hip hop vinyl collection of the whole neighborhood
ACTUAL ADVICE: sections like this feel a lil vague. Maybe expand on sensory/concrete details, add some dialogue?
he wasn’t aware o
Is she perceiving this?
As he was sharing his story, Valentina stared at his moving lips
ACTUAL ADVICE -> this as opposed to "stared at how attractive he was"
nd a small mustache that made his baby face look a little bit older.
NEGLECTED PLEASURES Love this description
f him like a heat
Love the link between August name and season too
how attractive he w
ACTUAL ADVICE -> don't have narrator reveal her thoughts through these lines -> describing how she got lost in (specific features) like you do immediately after this is better
iving room but made the room heavy with smoke since the apartment was tiny and did not breathe w
ACTUAL ADVICE Cut, streamline descriptions like this
August had come to Valentina’s apartment for the first time. She was nervous, looking at August was like staring at the sun; August seemed to be shining so bright that Valentina felt both comfortable and intimidated
This kinda like Toni Morrison
Maria finished her cigarette, got up, and started to put her makeup on. She was late on her sched
Overall, this scene should weave past and present together in a clearer way. Two flashbacks in one really -> also very unclear BETWEEN flashback transitions "You're very pretty you know," -> how far out "of her memory" does she go? Is the opening of this flashback scene the same flashback as with the dude?
Moments
Lmao nice. Also, example of what I mean by not describing things via narration -> letting reader put two and two together
he whished she was invisible again
Maybe, wished she was a kid again? That said, also good because you tie it back to being 13.
t the blood rushing through her hea
tighter imagery maybe?
He wasn’t attractive and had the audacity to put down his poor wife in front of her.
Again, lines like this unnecessary -> by describing hom the narrator already generates this tension
Prettier than my wife. Th
brutal
You’re very pretty you know,”
Again, VERY unclear where / when in the story this is taking place, still a flashback?
she learned that her mom had tried to run away with her that da
A bit confusing how much young MAria knew/knows
Yes?” “Does dad know we’re not coming back tonight?
VERY good drop/transition. Excellent 1-2 punch. Also love the "flinch" reaction
Maria w
Wait, is this the flashback? Font change is confusing, but it seems like there's another FB in the middle of the paragraph.
Just by looking at the bottle, she could smell the fruity essence with flowery accents.
Already stating the obvious, would cut.
and worst of all, she got assaulted at school. Once, a Senior put her in a corner to grab her boobs.
Could make this more impactful. Wouldn't format it like a list -> could even alude to assault w/o stating?
It’s free, it’s running free while I’m stuck here
This is a great detail!
her big circl
?
Jerry was a single middle-aged man who lived alone and was tired of smelling Maria’s cigarettes and had made many complains about her.
Sentences like this give narrator too much insight?
sadly poeti
How?
apartments.
Find synonyms for apts here
6 P
Agree with Zoya -> BOOK of shor tstories.
"Coffee and cigarettes"
Agree w/ Olivia -> more sensory detail.
I was frozen. "That's all?”
Why? Does this imply he's unsettled by what Larry's said? About how he's content with just this kind of life or whatever?
here's no one there except other concepts
Overall feels complete -> no one there except for "comcept" of Larry -> but what about narrator?
He leaned in close to me, the smell of alcohol cut with aftershave wafting upward. “I'm Larryof the Parking Lot,” he repeated
I have mixed feelings about the physicality of the story being introduced so late in the game. I DO like the spare details, don't need to beautifully illustrate the parking lot, but I think one, MAYBE two more lil pull back/intro scenes could fix this abruptness. Also unsure how I feel about Larry himself being described physically so late. Mental image was kinda the same though -> largely because of title I think lol.
I wanted to ask him why he'd talked to me. Whatdid he expect from me? What was I supposed to say to him? What would I do when he nally decidedto leave?
Maybe cut?
what,the mysteryof it all."
So, maybe replace this line with something more specific?
pend another night
Little allusions like this pretty good actually. Divorce? Running away from home? On the run?
"Well. What should I do now?"
Here again alludes to something more concrete, but idk I think I'd rather see that developed later on? Like in a sequel?
"I can’t make peace with any of this,” I said. “Life.”
Sort of makes the narrator seem whiny, then again he's the one talking to Larry at 3am. If fleshing out, maybe just a mention of a specific problem other than "life" ? This line can even stay, but I'm more intrigued than ever over why the narrator is in this situration, and I'm not convinced "life" is he answer. Again, just an allusion to a specific problem
That's what it's all about.”
Maybe another pause before this? That's what it's all about maybe feels to on the nose...
except to catch a bus once a week. He just stays in bed.”“Where was he going on the bus?
Such a natural flow/break -> exactly like how a real conversation would play out.
But that's really not the point,” he said
Love the in medias res here. Doesn't feel too abrupt or anything.
omething scared me.
?
That isn't something you do,”he said. “Imagine you were a river. When the river meetssomething cold and unyielding, jagged rocks and twisted tree trunks, the water does not ail against itand rage and protest. It just goes arou
beautiful
Because it happened to somebody who was never alive in the rst place.”He was getting to me a bit, I had to admit
damn
e come back as a ghost or something?
lol
ke blood on a paper towel.
nice
wrote back, because it felt right. Her sisters had brought Ivy into paradise, back when theyweren’t so willing to be virtuous. She had danced and danced, until He found her spinning and left muddymarks on her skin. Then she was twirling into vines across the walls of paradise and couldn’t keep any youngwoman from borrowing her name
Thought this was unclear, also too late within story ?
Offering the sacrifice, t
Agree with YOU: should be more ivy emotions here.
Among the floral arrangements of the Man who continued to ignore her, of the Man who condemnedHis progeny to live among the taida sweet berries and peace lilies, she thought about what hadn’t belonged.She let blood soak her muddy skin and thought about the bruised shape fluttering into her hair, a wet tearpulling down one dark petal of four. Follow those leaves, their broken seams, to a pile of discard. There shehad found forbidden fruit
THIS is key to that underdeveloped thing I'm talking about
Or we can choose. To be seen.” She’d begged, but her sisters pretended not to see the bitemark, thestains on her teeth
DID something happen?
Ivy,”
AGREE W/ ZOYA -> Think both feed well into e/o -> 2nd makes 1st more sense.
Intentionally obscure?
She reminded herself that this was a dandelion in her hand; it cost her nothing to see what a gust ofwind could do
I LOVE THIS HOLY SHIT
As she swiped through the profiles, she wondered what was faltering. Had she yet to match anyonebecause she hadn’t the courtesy?
Scene transition is somewhat confusing
to do was succumb to hunger.
Who is this?
They were still hunting for a serpent, instead of investigating her bite. The same bite they had erasedfrom memory with nectar and drunken love.
See whatever happened still confusing
d swiped and swiped, she would never have to settle, never have to give i
ah...
and she saw the loophole in His order
Maybe a bit too sudden?
Once all the preparations had been made, they all sat in a circle and prepared to watch herdecide.“I’m sorry,”
This scene feels like it could physically be built up to more.
Download it and you’ll see!”
Bit of an unclear role apps pay here...
She might as well let garter snakes race into the ponds. God forbid she grew lonely
innuendo?
when her sisters laughed and spilled their palm sugar nectar onto her c
Do they also find freedom here?
notunlike their father, whose cacophonous breaths rarely sounded through paradise.
Love this - watching
oy only turned onto her other side,
If tying back to whether or not a story or allegory / could flesh out physical details in scenes like this. Obviously you have beautiful imagery, but its employed in a way that makes it seem like its 90% metaphorical, like we're not actually supposed to assume this image is the world they're operating in.
him
Him?
someone close to her, to feel a thud on the skull, the drunken haze turning rare before she tasted sweet fles
love this
All sh
Somewhat unclear regarding the course of events -> maybe emphasize actual act of fruit biting more. Clear this takes place after, but what ere the consequences?
fried her lips, burnt her tongue black and bubbly, and singedthe eyes off of her orchids. It clapped and roared, shook and bellowed, until she cried out and hid under thetaida and lilies. Light punishment. Lazy retribution. Many suffered more for less.
God tier imagery
pulpy flesh, lift up into her skin
? cut?
ince years later, now that she’dlong grown into the ivy, she should have been avoiding luck altogether
? Scene transition?
ould pull atighter across her throat, they’d s
Lil confusing
ingers tangled into stems, ripping leafy hearts from their roots.
(also, "tremble" )
This all started
I think this is overall a good transition into the background/bio details of the story, but I'd consider using another transitionary phrase other than "this all started six years ago," maybe even just starting with "Six years ago" could be more impactful.
I
I'd suggest weaving some of these sentences together to cut down on some of the "I" repetition.