writing is, indeed, pathological, but the pathology dwells not in the symptom but in the attempts to treat it.
Doesn't this seem a tad dangerous? I mean, Lavery's pathology has lead to some damaging behavior (like getting wasted beyond belief in order to write). Also, couldn't the pathology just be the compulsion to write?
At least this is how it felt for many of mypeers who have spent the majority of their free time scrolling on TikTok.
At least that's how it felt for many of my peers who spend the majority of their free time scrolling on TikTok.
RELATED: 10 Signs Your Child Has Developed a Secure Attachment, According toPsychologists
nice touch
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowley in the mid-1900s, explains how thebond between an infant and their primary caregiver will impact future relationshipsand behaviors.
move to previous paragraph
Now that I have described a scenario that may seem completely outside yourparental control, you may be asking yourself how you can help your child managehealthy online interactions. Here are a few pieces of advice from a Gen Zer who hasexperienced her fair share of online interactions while living within a framework ofrules set by her own parents:
you could probably cut this paragraph; it's mainly metadiscourse, and the context indicates where the piece is headed
we all know how that strategy has worked out)
what are you getting at here?
hide
are they hiding?
As a society,
cut
One friend expressed genuine sadness about missing the opportunity topost “get ready with me” graduation content
what does this paragraph accomplish?
,
no comma
beforePresident Trump signed an executive order granting it a 75 day extension in the U.S.And the response to this ban
cohesion issue
Technology is here to stay
specify the kind. i mean, the printing press is technology.
Social Media Parenting Tips
a bit awkward. social media seems like it's modifying parenting tips.
Utility Executives: Must meet peak electricity use while meeting decarbonisationmandates, which increasingly involve “smart power distribution systems”2
maybe focus on CA only?
could double,
hugely expensive and, presumably, unstable due the strain placed on existing grids
l utilities to jointly create
what's the incentive for utilities to collaborate? where will the funding come from to make the changes you're calling for?
Don’t expect it to be the same, expect it to be entertaining.
This is the point to drive home. Judge the film on its own merits. Comparing 2025 SW to 1937 SN & TSD is NOT a one-to-one comparison.
he is a bandit stealing food in her castle
Reminiscent of Flynn in Tangled
“skin as white as snow” and “kindhearted innocence” presents a severely outdated racial assumption; one certainly worth removing from the film.
right, and this explains, one presumes, much of the hate on RT. people love to dunk of "woke" Disney.
Clearly, this film set a high bar that any remake would struggle to meet, right?
here again, your phrasing suggests the original is a contemporary release. SW & TSD is nearly 90 years old; it's been reviewed countless times through a variety of cultural lenses. the question is the remake better or worse my be moot, given that you're dealing, in certain ways, more with an icon than a mere movie.
amassed much more praise
phrasing here makes it sound like the original is a contemporary release.
This appears to be the case when Snow White is compared to the original film, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937),
maybe say: when compared to the original, many viewers find the remake to be lacking.
A writer who does a good job forges a connection with the reader, and sympathetic understanding flows back and forth
Yes! This goes for ALL writers seeking to be read in ANY context!
torn down by a public that is increasingly skeptical about it
makes sense
readers are the reason that academia—and academic writing—exist
This could be said of all writing meant to be read!
I find that most academic writing is unfriendly and ungenerous
Nice. This is a useful way to think about it, as it stresses the social nature of writing
Unexamined bad habits become enshrined
Yes!
writers are taught by their earliest experience that readers are unconditionally invested.
Yes!
prolixity
wordiness, being verbose
The main problem with writing for a captive audience is that it teaches us to take the reader’s attention for granted
right. but also it teaches us to take for granted readers outside school.
Long before they set foot in graduate school or venture beyond it, academic writers spend years getting used to a reader who can’t be distracted or discouraged, because that reader receives cash to read to the end
This is such an important point. Don't expect anyone to read your work with such care again!
the reader is getting paid
Lol.
gift
I'm sure its often hard to see it this way, but cassuto is right.
unless they already want to
What do you make of this? Does meeting a deadline depend on wanting to?
self-surrender
Lavery speaks of acceptance (of one's writing practice, no matter how quirky, uneven or predictable) in terms of surrender. To surrender is to give up or give in, and thus has a defeatist orientation. Does acceptance have to involve surrender? What might be another way to describe what Lavery is getting at?
onto.
if you imagine the conversation about Beasts of No Nation, who's taking part, either directly or indirectly? And here do you fit in?
our T.A. made it clear that our intended audience was her
our TA made clear that she was our intended audience
noir, themes, and symbolism
awkward. do you mean ... noir themes and symbolism? or do you indeed mean to say "the film's noir"?
a bad grade
what's a bad grade?
and might I even say, confidence
awkward
... and I might even say, confident? or a source of confidence?
indeed
cut
daggering
awkward
or you page, but all I see are discourses about love on TikTok
the algorithm is designed to personalize you feed
My quest to discover what love truly meant had ignited
awkward fire metaphor. maybe just say "begun" or "started"
I am talking about all forms of love from all men in my life; whether it’s platonic love, sibling love, or family love; whether it’s my guy friends, guy cousins, or my brother.
I am talking about all forms of love from all men in my life: platonic love, sibling love, family love.
love
loved?
that was
cut
I have grieved the loss of love, specifically the lack of love from the men in my life.
Phrasing:
Specifically, I have grieved the loss of love from the men in my life.
both
cut
elite
what do you mean by elite?
electoral fraud
provide citation
the relationship between colonialism and corruption becomes clea
okay, so colonizers are/were corrupt ...
Neanidishighlighting
?
Such claims
what claims are you referring to?
this era
what era is that?
Krando NishibaWRIT 340Prof TomkinsMarch 27, 2024Part I:
You don't need this info, unless you want your piece to look like an assignment for a class
Policymakers could be
Why not write to them directly using a more appropriate genre, such as an op-ed?
In many cases, scholars, students, policymakers, and the general public interested in such topics would be the main audience.
it would help if you could point to an example. did you write this for academics, or for the public in an academic style?
Therefore, this essay could be adapted to fit into an op-ed article for newspaper outlets and social media.
why are you bringing this up?
Another possible genre could be the op-ed genre
are you saying one could choose to view Part 1 as an op-ed?
for
cut
I think the critical takeaway is D&D is a one size fits all.
... the critical takeaway is D&D is a one size fits all game.
consistent with my guests
... was consistent with that of my guests
change in
take on
New York Times
italics
not in the 80s to 2000s
... no longer in the period stretching from the 1980s to the recent 2000s where ...
was
became
informed by a narrative that has dominated an outsiders’ perspective
... informed by a narrative that continues to dominate the outsider's perspective.
,”
remove comma
more akin to what you were saying of
cut
about the demographics and/or qualities of the people who play
When you think of who plays Dungeons and Dragons, what comes to mind?
I posed my guests with
Awkward.
I posed this question to my guests
we’re
who's we in this instance?
it
the game
defeating
... fighting a ...
its
the
When I say those words what comes to mind?
What comes to mind when I say those words?
for
of
enabled me to contribute
Again, one of the questions we're posing with both WP3 and WP4 is, what does your writing do for the reader?
conflict.
This piece is too short, too limited in scope, and too information-based to qualify as a academic article. Viewed as a college essay, it's heavy on summary and light on argument. The objective here seems to been to learn more about the I-P conflict and its history. A commendable objective. But, as written, not one necessarily suitable for an academic audience.
Loffredo captures statements, at an Israeli blockade to prevent aid to Arabs in Gaza, “[Palestinians] can starve to death” and “Kill them. I don't care.”
This seems critical of Israel, though. Are you saying this film is pr-Israel, meant to spread populist Israeli sentiment?
liberation, is
what happened here?
the Balfour Declaration in October 1917, declared the Palestine region as a national home for fleeing Jews from Nazism
This was a British declaration that had nothing to do with Nazism
positions,”
Page #?
.”
Page #?
populist narratives and strategies shape perceptions, policies, and outcomes in this longstanding geopolitical struggle
But where? In the US? In Israel?
Deliberately chosen, the Palestinian-Iraeli conflict case study is aimed to showcase how populist sentiment can unfold authoritarianism
In Israel?
populism has consistently defied categorization within political and social frameworks
how do you know? what evidence are you basing this statement on?
dual nature of populism
what's dual about it?
Objectively speaking,
cut. if this is a scholarly piece, objectivity is expectated
Part 1:
College essays always have a title
to be generalized to any student, particularly those in college currently
So, does that mean that you wrote a college essay?
scholars, researchers, students, and professors
scholars are students and professors, who are researchers. no need to differentiate
MLA
But you used hyperlinks instead of in text citations -- why?
I chose this genre
awkward transition; cohesion issue
to fully grasp the historical roots and to understand the state of the war and how it came to be
an ideal use of WP2
for me
cut
enables me
Yes, but what does it enable your reader to do?
I wanted to write in an academic analytical style since it provides a structured format for presenting an argument, evidence, and analysis.
But remember, the assigned asked you to identify your motivation and audience, and to select a genre that performed the appropriate social action. What were you motivated to accomplish here, given that your audience consists (presumably) of academics?
holistic
same issue here. it's one thing to link to a single article, but linking to books requires giving readers a little more information in the event they what to read more from the sourse being cited.
Part Two
This is a massive paragraph? Please take the time to edit it properly and arrange a sequence of digestible paragraph.
Something rather new that has been gaining popularity is the practice of mindfulness.
new paragraph
Meditation and yoga
new paragraph
The overarching goal focusing on the individual ‘self’ and personal development living through specific core values
fragment
‘self’
why in single quotes
one of the same
one AND the same
any
... or any ...
Asian
doesn't link to anything
consistency of new material
what do you mean by this?
incorporate multimedia
did you do this?
consumer friendly
cut
to be reached
by whom?
A blog post
okay, i assumed you were either writing a blog post or an article for a broad readership
Part One
provide a title
It has since been found
lots of passive voice in this piece. found by whom?
Now
replace with "but"
possessed
here, I would advise naming the author you're quoting, as well as the chapter. otherwise, readers will have no idea where to look for the precise information being cited.
speaking
add comma
Now this likely raises the question of why was it believed for so long that the two did not mix? Well,
cut
Now
Cut
we have been told
passive. told by whom?
the
as the two ...
, or maybe we have tried it ourselves to see how true it is
cut
time
cut
that
cut
d
“Today's tech platforms are caught in a race to the bottom of the brain stem to extract human attention. It's a race we're all losing. The result: addiction, social isolation, outrage, misinformation, and political polarization-all part of one interconnected system …that poses an existential threat to humanity.”
--Christine Jackman, Turning down the Noise : The Quiet Power of Silence in a Busy World
Captivated by the diverse perspectives and engaging narratives within the book
Why not refer to it directly in the article?
my
cut
profound impact of silence and meditation
what does profound silence and meditation have to do with exercise? you need to create a clearer link to make the previous paragraph seem less random.
In a study, researchers found elite sprinters and runners compared to non-athletes had more bodily trust, attention, regulation, and self-regulation. (Seabury, 2023).
Hyperlink to source
xercise.
an abrupt turn
References:
References lists aren't common in Men's Health magazine, are they? Surely hyperlinks are preferred.
scientific literature
hyperlink to source(s)?
“Today's tech platforms are caught in a race to the bottom of the brain stem to extract human attention. It's a race we're all losing. The result: addiction, social isolation, outrage, misinformation, and political polarization-all part of one interconnected system …that poses an existential threat to humanity.”
to whom do you attribute this quote?
capacities
capacity
,
cut
for many,
cut
it vividly. What are your surroundings? The smells, sounds, colors, and what you were doing
Good direction, but a tad awkward.
What were your surroundings? What were the smells, sounds, and colors? What were you doing?
Picture
picture a sound?
social analysis paper
what is a social analysis paper? is this an article intended for a relatively broad audience, or an college essay geared toward a smaller one?
population density
how is this a common consequence of population density?
declining birth rate
localized? in rural areas only?
ommon consequences of economic growth: high unemployment
how is this a common consequence of economic growth?
“Kim Ji-Young, Born in 1982”,
italics, no quotes
The Economist
use italics
Couples shared
anecdotal info. what part of s. korea? education level? age bracket?
In a YouTube street interview conducted by AsianBoss (2023), several young individuals shared their reasons behind their opinions on marriage and raising children. A recurring problem concerns the difficult economic state for these young individuals as the cost of living is high.
in what part of south korea? also, i'd advise locating a more legitimate source. surely scholarly studies exist on the economic situation in south korean and how it's affecting the growth of young families
(Statistics Korea)
citation?
academic setting
right, so it's a college essay. realistically, how many readers are you likely to reach with a college essay?
my peers were unaware of the current issue in South Korea
why not write an article on the matter for a larger audience? where do you imagine readers coming across your piece?
formatting of this social analysis paper is directed to an audience that has little to no knowledge of the ongoing
you've said this. but how does the formatting address that audience, exactly?
social analysis paper allowed me to explain the social issue, and draw upon articles and data to support my findings.
how is this different from any of the college essays you've written over the last few years?
The flow and writing convention
what is the writing convention? how do you know what it is (is there only one convention)?
I felt that the direction of a social analysis paper allowed me to actively use my references as source material to explain and dissect a multifaceted topi
as you have before, in college essays I presume
. (Craig, 1994
what style of citation is this? not MLA
its
their
As with anyone interested in the conversation about Mattel’s advertising strategy, as someone
Awkward (as .... as)
My paper
Not a paper. Also, break for new paragraph
(Kennouda, Medium)
Use hyperlinks
an op-ed would be an excellent choice of genre
to justify an op-ed, you need to identify a more immediate rationale. maybe the film's Oscar losses?
The op-ed genre made the most sense to me because Barbie is an iconic cultural symbol with a complex legacy, representing ideals of beauty, femininity, and consumerism.
Yes, but why write about Barbie now? What's the rationale for writing an op-ed about Barbie after the "Barbenheimer" moment has passed?
to take a specific action or reconsider their perspectives
more specifically, op-eds aim to make a single, clear point
The film leads the audience to believe that the joke was on Mattel when it was really on us.
nice final sentence
The success of the Barbie movie was instrumental for Mattel.
What's the singular focus of this piece? The through-line I think you're going for -- despite being the butt of the joke in Barbie, it's Mattel who wins the day -- gets a bit obscured
The film captives everyone from adults to children.
cut
have Mattel on top
benefited Mattel
being anti-capitalist
in what way was the film's message anti-capitalist? because it made fun of executives?
the Barbie movie
just say Barbie
The highly anticipated
cut
“during the call that the first wave of movie-related products had sold out, and that Mattel plans to release more products timed for the holidays. In total, he said Mattel has locked in more than 165 partnerships with brands and retailers that cover everything from clothing to candles, furniture, burgers, pasta and even Barbie-inspired sushi.” (Kavilanz, CNN).
--edit for grammatical clarity --use block quotes when cited texts exceeds three lines --use a hyperlink in public facing documents
incredible marketing
If you're going to discuss marketing here, I would advise cutting your intro paragraph.
world, quite literally, by storm
not really literally, though. a storm is a weather event.
stereotypical idea
here, stereotypical means something else, doesn't it? all the more reason to clarify the distinction
film was the year’s highest-grossing film, grossing over $1.38 billion at the global box office. By every definition imaginable, the film
too much repetition (film, film, film)
movie
cut
stereotypical
maybe explain what this designation means in the context of the film
of Barbie
cut
finally
cut
the Barbie film
cut. just say Barbie (use italics to denote title)
countless marketing
awkward. try: countless ads
Part 1: Op-Ed
Stigma is defined as “the mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person”.
where does this definition come from?
A pregnant woman
maybe add a heading here
but not watching my mom
awkward phrasing
I still have to manage my anxiety to this day but not watching my mom deal with mental health would’ve made me extremely more scared of the unknown, so I am eternally grateful to her.
A blog always starts with a compelling tone, one that catches the reader and asking a question that everyone can answer was my goal
how do you know this?
With the structure of a blog post, I was able to do just that.
where did you look to familiarize yourself with the conventions of the blog post?
blog
ah, okay
this genre
which one?
While I was aware that a majority of people in the United States have generations of ancestors who have been living in this country, it never was a prevalent thought for myself growing up.
While I was aware that a majority of people in the United States have generations of ancestors who have been living in this country, it never was a prevalent thought for myself growing up.
Growing up, of course I noticed that most of my friends' families had lived in the U.S. for decades. But it never occurred to me that lacking a long-term American lineage would disadvantage me in the future.
Despite being a Filipino American, and the first in my immediate family to be born in America, I have felt very disconnected from Filipino culture.
Isn't this to be expected though, because you were, as you say, the first born in America?
Even as a student in my last semester as a Cinema and Media Studies major, I have never taken a class that educated me about Philippine cinema
Even as a student in my last semester as a Cinema and Media Studies major, I have never taken a class that educated me about Philippine cinema
I have yet to take a class on Philippine cinema, despite being a Cinema and Media Studies major in her final year of college
a false flag operation
what exactly was the false flag vis-a-vis the Iraq war?
The rebels practiced asymmetric warfare against an oppressive and overwhelmingly powerful threat to their self-determination
You should cite Cameron, since you're pretty much quoting him word for word here.
narrative structure of Joseph Campbell’s seminal ‘hero’s journey’ and combined them
narrative structure = one thing them = pronoun signifying more than one thing
It’s not surprising that audiences resonated with the story
incorrect usage. the story resonated with audiences
intended audience for this piece was music fans in general, essentially anyone passionate enough about music
what kind of music fan, though? classical? jazz? no, it's fans of mainstream pop, isn't it?
What categories should the GRAMMYs use? How much change needs to occur in the voting body of the Recording Academy?
These questions arguably deserve more attention that they're receiving here
craete
spelling
the Recording Academy confines black artists’ music into boxes that they do not fit in
but how to address this, because categorization isn't just a problem vis-a-vis the RA. How can the RA address the problem without fundamentally revising its approach to genre?
diversifying the voting body to accurately reflect the demographics of the music industry and expanding the criteria used to evaluate artistic merit.
when was the last time this happened? what's the make-up of the academy currently? cite sources