- Apr 2024
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xiomaraneri340.substack.com xiomaraneri340.substack.com
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onto.
if you imagine the conversation about Beasts of No Nation, who's taking part, either directly or indirectly? And here do you fit in?
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our T.A. made it clear that our intended audience was her
our TA made clear that she was our intended audience
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noir, themes, and symbolism
awkward. do you mean ... noir themes and symbolism? or do you indeed mean to say "the film's noir"?
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a bad grade
what's a bad grade?
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and might I even say, confidence
awkward
... and I might even say, confident? or a source of confidence?
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xiomaraneri340.substack.com xiomaraneri340.substack.comLove!9
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indeed
cut
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daggering
awkward
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or you page, but all I see are discourses about love on TikTok
the algorithm is designed to personalize you feed
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My quest to discover what love truly meant had ignited
awkward fire metaphor. maybe just say "begun" or "started"
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I am talking about all forms of love from all men in my life; whether it’s platonic love, sibling love, or family love; whether it’s my guy friends, guy cousins, or my brother.
I am talking about all forms of love from all men in my life: platonic love, sibling love, family love.
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love
loved?
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that was
cut
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I have grieved the loss of love, specifically the lack of love from the men in my life.
Phrasing:
Specifically, I have grieved the loss of love from the men in my life.
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both
cut
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krandonishiba.substack.com krandonishiba.substack.comWP311
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elite
what do you mean by elite?
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electoral fraud
provide citation
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the relationship between colonialism and corruption becomes clea
okay, so colonizers are/were corrupt ...
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Neanidishighlighting
?
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Such claims
what claims are you referring to?
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this era
what era is that?
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Krando NishibaWRIT 340Prof TomkinsMarch 27, 2024Part I:
You don't need this info, unless you want your piece to look like an assignment for a class
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Policymakers could be
Why not write to them directly using a more appropriate genre, such as an op-ed?
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In many cases, scholars, students, policymakers, and the general public interested in such topics would be the main audience.
it would help if you could point to an example. did you write this for academics, or for the public in an academic style?
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Therefore, this essay could be adapted to fit into an op-ed article for newspaper outlets and social media.
why are you bringing this up?
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Another possible genre could be the op-ed genre
are you saying one could choose to view Part 1 as an op-ed?
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dolsongo.substack.com dolsongo.substack.com
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for
cut
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I think the critical takeaway is D&D is a one size fits all.
... the critical takeaway is D&D is a one size fits all game.
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consistent with my guests
... was consistent with that of my guests
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change in
take on
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New York Times
italics
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not in the 80s to 2000s
... no longer in the period stretching from the 1980s to the recent 2000s where ...
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was
became
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informed by a narrative that has dominated an outsiders’ perspective
... informed by a narrative that continues to dominate the outsider's perspective.
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,”
remove comma
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more akin to what you were saying of
cut
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about the demographics and/or qualities of the people who play
When you think of who plays Dungeons and Dragons, what comes to mind?
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I posed my guests with
Awkward.
I posed this question to my guests
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we’re
who's we in this instance?
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it
the game
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defeating
... fighting a ...
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its
the
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When I say those words what comes to mind?
What comes to mind when I say those words?
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for
of
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ajjdomingo.substack.com ajjdomingo.substack.comWP321
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enabled me to contribute
Again, one of the questions we're posing with both WP3 and WP4 is, what does your writing do for the reader?
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conflict.
This piece is too short, too limited in scope, and too information-based to qualify as a academic article. Viewed as a college essay, it's heavy on summary and light on argument. The objective here seems to been to learn more about the I-P conflict and its history. A commendable objective. But, as written, not one necessarily suitable for an academic audience.
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Loffredo captures statements, at an Israeli blockade to prevent aid to Arabs in Gaza, “[Palestinians] can starve to death” and “Kill them. I don't care.”
This seems critical of Israel, though. Are you saying this film is pr-Israel, meant to spread populist Israeli sentiment?
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liberation, is
what happened here?
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the Balfour Declaration in October 1917, declared the Palestine region as a national home for fleeing Jews from Nazism
This was a British declaration that had nothing to do with Nazism
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positions,”
Page #?
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.”
Page #?
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populist narratives and strategies shape perceptions, policies, and outcomes in this longstanding geopolitical struggle
But where? In the US? In Israel?
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Deliberately chosen, the Palestinian-Iraeli conflict case study is aimed to showcase how populist sentiment can unfold authoritarianism
In Israel?
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populism has consistently defied categorization within political and social frameworks
how do you know? what evidence are you basing this statement on?
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dual nature of populism
what's dual about it?
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Objectively speaking,
cut. if this is a scholarly piece, objectivity is expectated
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Part 1:
College essays always have a title
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to be generalized to any student, particularly those in college currently
So, does that mean that you wrote a college essay?
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scholars, researchers, students, and professors
scholars are students and professors, who are researchers. no need to differentiate
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MLA
But you used hyperlinks instead of in text citations -- why?
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I chose this genre
awkward transition; cohesion issue
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to fully grasp the historical roots and to understand the state of the war and how it came to be
an ideal use of WP2
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for me
cut
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enables me
Yes, but what does it enable your reader to do?
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I wanted to write in an academic analytical style since it provides a structured format for presenting an argument, evidence, and analysis.
But remember, the assigned asked you to identify your motivation and audience, and to select a genre that performed the appropriate social action. What were you motivated to accomplish here, given that your audience consists (presumably) of academics?
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jazmintlopez.substack.com jazmintlopez.substack.com
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holistic
same issue here. it's one thing to link to a single article, but linking to books requires giving readers a little more information in the event they what to read more from the sourse being cited.
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Part Two
This is a massive paragraph? Please take the time to edit it properly and arrange a sequence of digestible paragraph.
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Something rather new that has been gaining popularity is the practice of mindfulness.
new paragraph
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Meditation and yoga
new paragraph
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The overarching goal focusing on the individual ‘self’ and personal development living through specific core values
fragment
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‘self’
why in single quotes
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one of the same
one AND the same
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any
... or any ...
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Asian
doesn't link to anything
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consistency of new material
what do you mean by this?
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incorporate multimedia
did you do this?
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consumer friendly
cut
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to be reached
by whom?
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A blog post
okay, i assumed you were either writing a blog post or an article for a broad readership
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Part One
provide a title
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It has since been found
lots of passive voice in this piece. found by whom?
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Now
replace with "but"
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possessed
here, I would advise naming the author you're quoting, as well as the chapter. otherwise, readers will have no idea where to look for the precise information being cited.
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speaking
add comma
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Now this likely raises the question of why was it believed for so long that the two did not mix? Well,
cut
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Now
Cut
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we have been told
passive. told by whom?
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the
as the two ...
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, or maybe we have tried it ourselves to see how true it is
cut
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time
cut
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that
cut
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eriksimonson.substack.com eriksimonson.substack.com
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d
“Today's tech platforms are caught in a race to the bottom of the brain stem to extract human attention. It's a race we're all losing. The result: addiction, social isolation, outrage, misinformation, and political polarization-all part of one interconnected system …that poses an existential threat to humanity.”
--Christine Jackman, Turning down the Noise : The Quiet Power of Silence in a Busy World
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Captivated by the diverse perspectives and engaging narratives within the book
Why not refer to it directly in the article?
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my
cut
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profound impact of silence and meditation
what does profound silence and meditation have to do with exercise? you need to create a clearer link to make the previous paragraph seem less random.
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In a study, researchers found elite sprinters and runners compared to non-athletes had more bodily trust, attention, regulation, and self-regulation. (Seabury, 2023).
Hyperlink to source
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xercise.
an abrupt turn
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References:
References lists aren't common in Men's Health magazine, are they? Surely hyperlinks are preferred.
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scientific literature
hyperlink to source(s)?
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“Today's tech platforms are caught in a race to the bottom of the brain stem to extract human attention. It's a race we're all losing. The result: addiction, social isolation, outrage, misinformation, and political polarization-all part of one interconnected system …that poses an existential threat to humanity.”
to whom do you attribute this quote?
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capacities
capacity
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,
cut
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for many,
cut
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it vividly. What are your surroundings? The smells, sounds, colors, and what you were doing
Good direction, but a tad awkward.
What were your surroundings? What were the smells, sounds, and colors? What were you doing?
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Picture
picture a sound?
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sbchung.substack.com sbchung.substack.com
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social analysis paper
what is a social analysis paper? is this an article intended for a relatively broad audience, or an college essay geared toward a smaller one?
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population density
how is this a common consequence of population density?
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declining birth rate
localized? in rural areas only?
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ommon consequences of economic growth: high unemployment
how is this a common consequence of economic growth?
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“Kim Ji-Young, Born in 1982”,
italics, no quotes
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The Economist
use italics
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Couples shared
anecdotal info. what part of s. korea? education level? age bracket?
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In a YouTube street interview conducted by AsianBoss (2023), several young individuals shared their reasons behind their opinions on marriage and raising children. A recurring problem concerns the difficult economic state for these young individuals as the cost of living is high.
in what part of south korea? also, i'd advise locating a more legitimate source. surely scholarly studies exist on the economic situation in south korean and how it's affecting the growth of young families
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(Statistics Korea)
citation?
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academic setting
right, so it's a college essay. realistically, how many readers are you likely to reach with a college essay?
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my peers were unaware of the current issue in South Korea
why not write an article on the matter for a larger audience? where do you imagine readers coming across your piece?
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formatting of this social analysis paper is directed to an audience that has little to no knowledge of the ongoing
you've said this. but how does the formatting address that audience, exactly?
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social analysis paper allowed me to explain the social issue, and draw upon articles and data to support my findings.
how is this different from any of the college essays you've written over the last few years?
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The flow and writing convention
what is the writing convention? how do you know what it is (is there only one convention)?
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I felt that the direction of a social analysis paper allowed me to actively use my references as source material to explain and dissect a multifaceted topi
as you have before, in college essays I presume
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. (Craig, 1994
what style of citation is this? not MLA
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its
their
-
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izzypampalone340.substack.com izzypampalone340.substack.comWP325
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As with anyone interested in the conversation about Mattel’s advertising strategy, as someone
Awkward (as .... as)
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My paper
Not a paper. Also, break for new paragraph
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(Kennouda, Medium)
Use hyperlinks
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an op-ed would be an excellent choice of genre
to justify an op-ed, you need to identify a more immediate rationale. maybe the film's Oscar losses?
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The op-ed genre made the most sense to me because Barbie is an iconic cultural symbol with a complex legacy, representing ideals of beauty, femininity, and consumerism.
Yes, but why write about Barbie now? What's the rationale for writing an op-ed about Barbie after the "Barbenheimer" moment has passed?
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to take a specific action or reconsider their perspectives
more specifically, op-eds aim to make a single, clear point
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The film leads the audience to believe that the joke was on Mattel when it was really on us.
nice final sentence
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The success of the Barbie movie was instrumental for Mattel.
What's the singular focus of this piece? The through-line I think you're going for -- despite being the butt of the joke in Barbie, it's Mattel who wins the day -- gets a bit obscured
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The film captives everyone from adults to children.
cut
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have Mattel on top
benefited Mattel
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being anti-capitalist
in what way was the film's message anti-capitalist? because it made fun of executives?
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the Barbie movie
just say Barbie
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The highly anticipated
cut
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“during the call that the first wave of movie-related products had sold out, and that Mattel plans to release more products timed for the holidays. In total, he said Mattel has locked in more than 165 partnerships with brands and retailers that cover everything from clothing to candles, furniture, burgers, pasta and even Barbie-inspired sushi.” (Kavilanz, CNN).
--edit for grammatical clarity --use block quotes when cited texts exceeds three lines --use a hyperlink in public facing documents
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incredible marketing
If you're going to discuss marketing here, I would advise cutting your intro paragraph.
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world, quite literally, by storm
not really literally, though. a storm is a weather event.
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stereotypical idea
here, stereotypical means something else, doesn't it? all the more reason to clarify the distinction
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film was the year’s highest-grossing film, grossing over $1.38 billion at the global box office. By every definition imaginable, the film
too much repetition (film, film, film)
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movie
cut
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stereotypical
maybe explain what this designation means in the context of the film
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of Barbie
cut
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finally
cut
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the Barbie film
cut. just say Barbie (use italics to denote title)
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countless marketing
awkward. try: countless ads
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Part 1: Op-Ed
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elisaliberati.substack.com elisaliberati.substack.comWP37
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Stigma is defined as “the mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person”.
where does this definition come from?
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A pregnant woman
maybe add a heading here
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but not watching my mom
awkward phrasing
I still have to manage my anxiety to this day but not watching my mom deal with mental health would’ve made me extremely more scared of the unknown, so I am eternally grateful to her.
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A blog always starts with a compelling tone, one that catches the reader and asking a question that everyone can answer was my goal
how do you know this?
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With the structure of a blog post, I was able to do just that.
where did you look to familiarize yourself with the conventions of the blog post?
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blog
ah, okay
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this genre
which one?
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karlacastillo.substack.com karlacastillo.substack.com
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While I was aware that a majority of people in the United States have generations of ancestors who have been living in this country, it never was a prevalent thought for myself growing up.
While I was aware that a majority of people in the United States have generations of ancestors who have been living in this country, it never was a prevalent thought for myself growing up.
Growing up, of course I noticed that most of my friends' families had lived in the U.S. for decades. But it never occurred to me that lacking a long-term American lineage would disadvantage me in the future.
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Despite being a Filipino American, and the first in my immediate family to be born in America, I have felt very disconnected from Filipino culture.
Isn't this to be expected though, because you were, as you say, the first born in America?
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Even as a student in my last semester as a Cinema and Media Studies major, I have never taken a class that educated me about Philippine cinema
Even as a student in my last semester as a Cinema and Media Studies major, I have never taken a class that educated me about Philippine cinema
I have yet to take a class on Philippine cinema, despite being a Cinema and Media Studies major in her final year of college
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johnfung.substack.com johnfung.substack.com
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a false flag operation
what exactly was the false flag vis-a-vis the Iraq war?
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The rebels practiced asymmetric warfare against an oppressive and overwhelmingly powerful threat to their self-determination
You should cite Cameron, since you're pretty much quoting him word for word here.
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narrative structure of Joseph Campbell’s seminal ‘hero’s journey’ and combined them
narrative structure = one thing them = pronoun signifying more than one thing
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It’s not surprising that audiences resonated with the story
incorrect usage. the story resonated with audiences
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taylornford.substack.com taylornford.substack.com
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intended audience for this piece was music fans in general, essentially anyone passionate enough about music
what kind of music fan, though? classical? jazz? no, it's fans of mainstream pop, isn't it?
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What categories should the GRAMMYs use? How much change needs to occur in the voting body of the Recording Academy?
These questions arguably deserve more attention that they're receiving here
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craete
spelling
-
the Recording Academy confines black artists’ music into boxes that they do not fit in
but how to address this, because categorization isn't just a problem vis-a-vis the RA. How can the RA address the problem without fundamentally revising its approach to genre?
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diversifying the voting body to accurately reflect the demographics of the music industry and expanding the criteria used to evaluate artistic merit.
when was the last time this happened? what's the make-up of the academy currently? cite sources
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arbitrary subdivisions.
are they arbitrary, though? or are you suggesting the Academy misunderstands genre or struggles to accommodate artists who cut across genres?
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Additionally, the Recording Academy must confront its own biases and prejudices that have historically favored white artists
It would be great if you should show rather than just tell, here. Aren't there a number of counterarguments needing to be addressed? Isn't there data to share that could make your argument more persuasive?
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The issue is that if the voting system were fair, the awards would reflect the opinion of the general public.
But is that what the Grammys award? Popularity? Does album of the year signify most popular album, of the album of the greatest quality?
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While there are genre-specific awards such as Best Rap Album and Best R&B Album, these categories are often viewed as consolation prizes for those who were not nominated for the highest honors
But then, if an artists wins both a genre category as well as an overarching one like Album of the Years, doesn't that practice also exclude artists from consideration? Are you saying the answer would be to limit genre-based awards and expand the number of artists nominated for general awards?
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to pigeonhole black artists into genre-specific categories, effectively marginalizing them from competing in the major general categories.
you could make this point more strongly but showing ways white artists are not pigeonholed
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brings light to
brings to light
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joeynewell.substack.com joeynewell.substack.comWP312
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this advanced technology
maybe clarify what technology you're talking about. i presume you're mainly thinking about AI, which can be acquired at a relatively low cost and used for nefarious purposes
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Or is the truth that you know the government will limit your power to avoid societal mayhem?
accusatory. seems like a less sound rhetorical move.
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Do you even want that burden
seems like a solid rhetorical move
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The style of open letters also have similarities, yet differences depending on the letter. Generally, open letters can have a more casual style compared to other genres.
how do you know this? what source material did you examine?
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Politico article released in February titled “Big Tech tells politicians: We’ll control the deepfakes”Incase you care to read: https://www.politico.eu/article/deepfakes-control-big-tech-elections-2024/
consider moving this up. use it as your occasion for writing.
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cancel culture remaining on the forefront of even everyday society, the threat of deep fakes has unlimited power to all levels of society
not sure i would recommend framing this in terms of cancel culture. it's become one of these terms (like "woke") that gets used ad nauseam and means different things to different people. it's imprecise. if you're worried that deepfake could be used to make someone appear guilty of bad behavior, just say that -- it could be used to frame or blackmail people
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Will teenagers abuse this technology to make their so-called “enemies" lives a living hell
why teenagers? why so-called?
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Will opposers a certain candidate create deepfakes in an attempt to bash their character?
it's not so much if but when
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who find it hard to believe reality
maybe there's a different way to put this? they question official reports of events, and suggest reality lies beneath the surface
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The reason this video is under such debate
"under such debate" is awkward. why not say, "People doubt the video's accuracy" or "People are suspicious of the video because ..."?
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The thought of technology being able to pass as my identity and the identity of important figures in society dismantles all meaning in the world
i recommend working more on this sentence. it's really important to you piece overall, but a bit muddled in its current form
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than we’ve ever been
rather than ahead
-
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snicholson.substack.com snicholson.substack.com
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, however,
... ; however, ...
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You should learn how to make effective social media content first, or you’ll probably just waste your money
citation?
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On platforms like TikTok and YouTube Shorts, most people skip to the next video in less than a second
how do you know this? include citation
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So, it’s important to make content that people want to engage with
maybe give readers a sense of what that is. otherwise, you're merely telling and not showing
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the right mix and master for your song
you need to develop this point further for readers to find it helpful. include more resources (links, embedded videos, etc.)
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are sometimes overlooked
by whom? what are you basing this on?
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On top of that, within the first 3-5 seconds of your song, record labels and Spotify playlisters are making a decision to either move to the next song or keep listening to your song. If nothing grabs their attention quickly, they probably won’t keep listening
what are you basing this recommendation on? i'm sure there's data out there that would back up this claim
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music videos, to your Spotify profile, to the tone you use in your social media captions
okay, good. can you provide some examples?
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brand/aesthetic
can you provide some examples? what is brand/aesthetic? why have you joined these terms with slash?
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–
why all the hyphens? use a comma
-
–
replace with a comma
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somewhat long article
relative to what? what examples did you draw from while writing? What guidelines did you use?
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this article
previously you said this was an essay, but here you say article. which is it? refer here to learn more about the distinction.
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informative tone
what is an informative tone? how can someone's tone be informative?
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essay
okay, so it's an essay. as in, an essay you would write for a class?
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I chose this genre
what genre is it?
-
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benabergel.substack.com benabergel.substack.comWP31
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prioritizing subscriber engagement
the call to action (what you want the audience to do)
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