this is pathological! what on earth?!

the lie, it seems, was to claim she wrote wrote with discipline

a common phrasing among writers. the idea is that sometimes you have to cut things you've written that you really like for the benefit of the whole piece

despair became the thing that trigger a self-imposed deadline

What do you make of this? Does meeting a deadline depend on wanting to?

Lavery speaks of acceptance (of one's writing practice, no matter how quirky, uneven or predictable) in terms of surrender. To surrender is to give up or give in, and thus has a defeatist orientation. Does acceptance have to involve surrender? What might be another way to describe what Lavery is getting at?

if you imagine the conversation about Beasts of No Nation, who's taking part, either directly or indirectly? And here do you fit in?

our TA made clear that she was our intended audience

awkward. do you mean ... noir themes and symbolism? or do you indeed mean to say "the film's noir"?

what's a bad grade?

awkward

... and I might even say, confident? or a source of confidence?

cut

awkward

the algorithm is designed to personalize you feed

awkward fire metaphor. maybe just say "begun" or "started"

I am talking about all forms of love from all men in my life: platonic love, sibling love, family love.

loved?

cut

Phrasing:

Specifically, I have grieved the loss of love from the men in my life.

cut

what do you mean by elite?

provide citation

okay, so colonizers are/were corrupt ...

?

what claims are you referring to?

what era is that?

You don't need this info, unless you want your piece to look like an assignment for a class

Why not write to them directly using a more appropriate genre, such as an op-ed?

it would help if you could point to an example. did you write this for academics, or for the public in an academic style?

why are you bringing this up?

are you saying one could choose to view Part 1 as an op-ed?

cut

... the critical takeaway is D&D is a one size fits all game.

... was consistent with that of my guests

take on

italics

... no longer in the period stretching from the 1980s to the recent 2000s where ...

became

... informed by a narrative that continues to dominate the outsider's perspective.

remove comma

cut

When you think of who plays Dungeons and Dragons, what comes to mind?

Awkward.

I posed this question to my guests

who's we in this instance?

the game

... fighting a ...

the

What comes to mind when I say those words?

of

Again, one of the questions we're posing with both WP3 and WP4 is, what does your writing do for the reader?

This piece is too short, too limited in scope, and too information-based to qualify as a academic article. Viewed as a college essay, it's heavy on summary and light on argument. The objective here seems to been to learn more about the I-P conflict and its history. A commendable objective. But, as written, not one necessarily suitable for an academic audience.

This seems critical of Israel, though. Are you saying this film is pr-Israel, meant to spread populist Israeli sentiment?

what happened here?

This was a British declaration that had nothing to do with Nazism

Page #?

Page #?

But where? In the US? In Israel?

In Israel?

how do you know? what evidence are you basing this statement on?

what's dual about it?

cut. if this is a scholarly piece, objectivity is expectated

College essays always have a title

So, does that mean that you wrote a college essay?

scholars are students and professors, who are researchers. no need to differentiate

But you used hyperlinks instead of in text citations -- why?

awkward transition; cohesion issue

an ideal use of WP2

cut

Yes, but what does it enable your reader to do?

But remember, the assigned asked you to identify your motivation and audience, and to select a genre that performed the appropriate social action. What were you motivated to accomplish here, given that your audience consists (presumably) of academics?

same issue here. it's one thing to link to a single article, but linking to books requires giving readers a little more information in the event they what to read more from the sourse being cited.

This is a massive paragraph? Please take the time to edit it properly and arrange a sequence of digestible paragraph.

new paragraph

new paragraph

fragment

why in single quotes

one AND the same

... or any ...

doesn't link to anything

what do you mean by this?

did you do this?

cut

by whom?

okay, i assumed you were either writing a blog post or an article for a broad readership

provide a title

lots of passive voice in this piece. found by whom?

replace with "but"

here, I would advise naming the author you're quoting, as well as the chapter. otherwise, readers will have no idea where to look for the precise information being cited.

add comma

cut

Cut

passive. told by whom?

as the two ...

cut

cut

cut

“Today's tech platforms are caught in a race to the bottom of the brain stem to extract human attention. It's a race we're all losing. The result: addiction, social isolation, outrage, misinformation, and political polarization-all part of one interconnected system …that poses an existential threat to humanity.”

--Christine Jackman, Turning down the Noise : The Quiet Power of Silence in a Busy World

Why not refer to it directly in the article?

cut

what does profound silence and meditation have to do with exercise? you need to create a clearer link to make the previous paragraph seem less random.

Hyperlink to source

an abrupt turn

References lists aren't common in Men's Health magazine, are they? Surely hyperlinks are preferred.

hyperlink to source(s)?

to whom do you attribute this quote?

capacity

cut

cut

Good direction, but a tad awkward.

What were your surroundings? What were the smells, sounds, and colors? What were you doing?

picture a sound?

what is a social analysis paper? is this an article intended for a relatively broad audience, or an college essay geared toward a smaller one?

how is this a common consequence of population density?

localized? in rural areas only?

how is this a common consequence of economic growth?

italics, no quotes

use italics

anecdotal info. what part of s. korea? education level? age bracket?

in what part of south korea? also, i'd advise locating a more legitimate source. surely scholarly studies exist on the economic situation in south korean and how it's affecting the growth of young families

citation?

right, so it's a college essay. realistically, how many readers are you likely to reach with a college essay?

why not write an article on the matter for a larger audience? where do you imagine readers coming across your piece?

you've said this. but how does the formatting address that audience, exactly?

how is this different from any of the college essays you've written over the last few years?

what is the writing convention? how do you know what it is (is there only one convention)?

as you have before, in college essays I presume

what style of citation is this? not MLA

their

Awkward (as .... as)

Not a paper. Also, break for new paragraph

Use hyperlinks

to justify an op-ed, you need to identify a more immediate rationale. maybe the film's Oscar losses?

Yes, but why write about Barbie now? What's the rationale for writing an op-ed about Barbie after the "Barbenheimer" moment has passed?

more specifically, op-eds aim to make a single, clear point

nice final sentence

What's the singular focus of this piece? The through-line I think you're going for -- despite being the butt of the joke in Barbie, it's Mattel who wins the day -- gets a bit obscured

cut

benefited Mattel

in what way was the film's message anti-capitalist? because it made fun of executives?

just say Barbie

cut

--edit for grammatical clarity --use block quotes when cited texts exceeds three lines --use a hyperlink in public facing documents

If you're going to discuss marketing here, I would advise cutting your intro paragraph.

not really literally, though. a storm is a weather event.

here, stereotypical means something else, doesn't it? all the more reason to clarify the distinction

too much repetition (film, film, film)

cut

maybe explain what this designation means in the context of the film

cut

cut

cut. just say Barbie (use italics to denote title)

awkward. try: countless ads

Guidelines (Duke)

Guidelines (Harvard)

where does this definition come from?

maybe add a heading here

awkward phrasing

I still have to manage my anxiety to this day but not watching my mom deal with mental health would’ve made me extremely more scared of the unknown, so I am eternally grateful to her.

how do you know this?

where did you look to familiarize yourself with the conventions of the blog post?

ah, okay

which one?

While I was aware that a majority of people in the United States have generations of ancestors who have been living in this country, it never was a prevalent thought for myself growing up.

Growing up, of course I noticed that most of my friends' families had lived in the U.S. for decades. But it never occurred to me that lacking a long-term American lineage would disadvantage me in the future.

Isn't this to be expected though, because you were, as you say, the first born in America?

Even as a student in my last semester as a Cinema and Media Studies major, I have never taken a class that educated me about Philippine cinema

I have yet to take a class on Philippine cinema, despite being a Cinema and Media Studies major in her final year of college

what exactly was the false flag vis-a-vis the Iraq war?

You should cite Cameron, since you're pretty much quoting him word for word here.

narrative structure = one thing them = pronoun signifying more than one thing

incorrect usage. the story resonated with audiences

what kind of music fan, though? classical? jazz? no, it's fans of mainstream pop, isn't it?

These questions arguably deserve more attention that they're receiving here

spelling

but how to address this, because categorization isn't just a problem vis-a-vis the RA. How can the RA address the problem without fundamentally revising its approach to genre?

when was the last time this happened? what's the make-up of the academy currently? cite sources

are they arbitrary, though? or are you suggesting the Academy misunderstands genre or struggles to accommodate artists who cut across genres?

It would be great if you should show rather than just tell, here. Aren't there a number of counterarguments needing to be addressed? Isn't there data to share that could make your argument more persuasive?

But is that what the Grammys award? Popularity? Does album of the year signify most popular album, of the album of the greatest quality?

But then, if an artists wins both a genre category as well as an overarching one like Album of the Years, doesn't that practice also exclude artists from consideration? Are you saying the answer would be to limit genre-based awards and expand the number of artists nominated for general awards?

you could make this point more strongly but showing ways white artists are not pigeonholed

brings to light

maybe clarify what technology you're talking about. i presume you're mainly thinking about AI, which can be acquired at a relatively low cost and used for nefarious purposes

accusatory. seems like a less sound rhetorical move.

seems like a solid rhetorical move

how do you know this? what source material did you examine?

consider moving this up. use it as your occasion for writing.

not sure i would recommend framing this in terms of cancel culture. it's become one of these terms (like "woke") that gets used ad nauseam and means different things to different people. it's imprecise. if you're worried that deepfake could be used to make someone appear guilty of bad behavior, just say that -- it could be used to frame or blackmail people

why teenagers? why so-called?

it's not so much if but when

maybe there's a different way to put this? they question official reports of events, and suggest reality lies beneath the surface

"under such debate" is awkward. why not say, "People doubt the video's accuracy" or "People are suspicious of the video because ..."?

i recommend working more on this sentence. it's really important to you piece overall, but a bit muddled in its current form

rather than ahead

... ; however, ...

citation?

how do you know this? include citation

maybe give readers a sense of what that is. otherwise, you're merely telling and not showing

you need to develop this point further for readers to find it helpful. include more resources (links, embedded videos, etc.)

by whom? what are you basing this on?

what are you basing this recommendation on? i'm sure there's data out there that would back up this claim

okay, good. can you provide some examples?

can you provide some examples? what is brand/aesthetic? why have you joined these terms with slash?

why all the hyphens? use a comma

replace with a comma