craete
spelling
craete
spelling
the Recording Academy confines black artists’ music into boxes that they do not fit in
but how to address this, because categorization isn't just a problem vis-a-vis the RA. How can the RA address the problem without fundamentally revising its approach to genre?
diversifying the voting body to accurately reflect the demographics of the music industry and expanding the criteria used to evaluate artistic merit.
when was the last time this happened? what's the make-up of the academy currently? cite sources
arbitrary subdivisions.
are they arbitrary, though? or are you suggesting the Academy misunderstands genre or struggles to accommodate artists who cut across genres?
Additionally, the Recording Academy must confront its own biases and prejudices that have historically favored white artists
It would be great if you should show rather than just tell, here. Aren't there a number of counterarguments needing to be addressed? Isn't there data to share that could make your argument more persuasive?
The issue is that if the voting system were fair, the awards would reflect the opinion of the general public.
But is that what the Grammys award? Popularity? Does album of the year signify most popular album, of the album of the greatest quality?
While there are genre-specific awards such as Best Rap Album and Best R&B Album, these categories are often viewed as consolation prizes for those who were not nominated for the highest honors
But then, if an artists wins both a genre category as well as an overarching one like Album of the Years, doesn't that practice also exclude artists from consideration? Are you saying the answer would be to limit genre-based awards and expand the number of artists nominated for general awards?
to pigeonhole black artists into genre-specific categories, effectively marginalizing them from competing in the major general categories.
you could make this point more strongly but showing ways white artists are not pigeonholed
brings light to
brings to light
this advanced technology
maybe clarify what technology you're talking about. i presume you're mainly thinking about AI, which can be acquired at a relatively low cost and used for nefarious purposes
Or is the truth that you know the government will limit your power to avoid societal mayhem?
accusatory. seems like a less sound rhetorical move.
Do you even want that burden
seems like a solid rhetorical move
The style of open letters also have similarities, yet differences depending on the letter. Generally, open letters can have a more casual style compared to other genres.
how do you know this? what source material did you examine?
Politico article released in February titled “Big Tech tells politicians: We’ll control the deepfakes”Incase you care to read: https://www.politico.eu/article/deepfakes-control-big-tech-elections-2024/
consider moving this up. use it as your occasion for writing.
cancel culture remaining on the forefront of even everyday society, the threat of deep fakes has unlimited power to all levels of society
not sure i would recommend framing this in terms of cancel culture. it's become one of these terms (like "woke") that gets used ad nauseam and means different things to different people. it's imprecise. if you're worried that deepfake could be used to make someone appear guilty of bad behavior, just say that -- it could be used to frame or blackmail people
Will teenagers abuse this technology to make their so-called “enemies" lives a living hell
why teenagers? why so-called?
Will opposers a certain candidate create deepfakes in an attempt to bash their character?
it's not so much if but when
who find it hard to believe reality
maybe there's a different way to put this? they question official reports of events, and suggest reality lies beneath the surface
The reason this video is under such debate
"under such debate" is awkward. why not say, "People doubt the video's accuracy" or "People are suspicious of the video because ..."?
The thought of technology being able to pass as my identity and the identity of important figures in society dismantles all meaning in the world
i recommend working more on this sentence. it's really important to you piece overall, but a bit muddled in its current form
than we’ve ever been
rather than ahead
, however,
... ; however, ...
You should learn how to make effective social media content first, or you’ll probably just waste your money
citation?
On platforms like TikTok and YouTube Shorts, most people skip to the next video in less than a second
how do you know this? include citation
So, it’s important to make content that people want to engage with
maybe give readers a sense of what that is. otherwise, you're merely telling and not showing
the right mix and master for your song
you need to develop this point further for readers to find it helpful. include more resources (links, embedded videos, etc.)
are sometimes overlooked
by whom? what are you basing this on?
On top of that, within the first 3-5 seconds of your song, record labels and Spotify playlisters are making a decision to either move to the next song or keep listening to your song. If nothing grabs their attention quickly, they probably won’t keep listening
what are you basing this recommendation on? i'm sure there's data out there that would back up this claim
music videos, to your Spotify profile, to the tone you use in your social media captions
okay, good. can you provide some examples?
brand/aesthetic
can you provide some examples? what is brand/aesthetic? why have you joined these terms with slash?
–
why all the hyphens? use a comma
–
replace with a comma
somewhat long article
relative to what? what examples did you draw from while writing? What guidelines did you use?
this article
previously you said this was an essay, but here you say article. which is it? refer here to learn more about the distinction.
informative tone
what is an informative tone? how can someone's tone be informative?
essay
okay, so it's an essay. as in, an essay you would write for a class?
I chose this genre
what genre is it?
prioritizing subscriber engagement
the call to action (what you want the audience to do)
engage subscribers
are you effectively arguing that steaming companies failed to consider a ceiling to the subscription model, or that some subscribers would come and go depending on content availability? how would greater engagement (which doesn't address the revenue issue -- more subscribers = more money) solve the problem streaming companies are facing? or are you saying it's an artificial problem caused by the practice of basing value on subscriber growth?
subscribers’ satisfaction
Have you read any of Cory Doctorow's work on enshittification?
subscribers.
Can you be more specific? What exactly is the problem you wish your audience to address?
materialize, and it's difficult to
cut
watches a show or movie in its entirety
... watch shows or movies in their entirety
introduction
streaming has been around for a while now. your description makes it seem new: with it's introduction, you say, streaming executives prioritize shareholder interests. do you mean to say that this was the case from the beginning, or that, as streaming has grown, companies have been less focused on customer satisfaction?
I am writing this letter to you
I write to you ...
Executives
maybe be more specific. presumably, you're writing to netflix, hulu, max, disney+, paramount+, and so on
believe that open letters will continue to be a valuable tool for advocacy.
Maybe talk a bit more about this. Open letters often are advocacy tools that include a call to action of some kind. What's your impression of the way they build content, advance claims, and rouse people to act?
I am encouraging them to be part of the change and not just execute the plan after reining CEO.
what do you mean by "after reining CEO"?
expect
expected?
Over and out.
--it's a little strange that you didn't include YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Music embeds: a blog post (or any digital essay) on music should feature some music
--the Billy Joel examples works better than the Gaga one because you go into more detail (with Gaga, why not share a lyric that you think resembles something the Beatles would do
--The Beatles did experiment with longer song structures as their career evolved: "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," "Revolution #9," the aforementioned 16-minute Abbey Road medley ...
--Can you articulate the core principles th
Pet Sounds includes a lot of instrumental experimentation; surely a result of Wilson’s admiration
What about the enormous influence Pet Sounds had on Sgt. Pepper, though?
publicized
revealed
elements of strong lyric writing
such as?
Then finally
new paragraph
Next,
New paragraph
They were constantly trying new things while keeping their core principles
What were the core principles then?
The Times
Italics
music.
Yes, but keep in mind that most pop songs of the time (and the years prior) were about that length. And the Beatles become more interested in longer song structures as they matured ("A Day in the Life," Medley on side 2 of Abbey Road).
Welcome back bloggers, to get anywhere near an answer to this question it feels appropriate that we investigate their songwriting as it was established in the 1960s, how it immersed itself up to the present day, and what shape it will take in our future as music lovers.
To get anywhere near an answer to this question requires examining their songwriting and the way it has embedded itself in pop song craft ever since.
I find myself in conversations weekly as a 21-year-old college girl about the Beatles.
syntax
My mom’s blog is a great example of how many people used this tool in the 2000’s a time before social media
Run-on
or posters that have a large following meaning people all over the world as the reader
cut
benign super personal like
cut
,
end sentence, then start new one
The way I went about abiding by the conventions of a blog post was done through my set of mental requirements.
Always a good idea to look up the conventions, especially when they've been provided
From my experience reading blog posts over the years, I have gathered that the language can be very informal, dramatic, and even cinematic (like story-telling
Did you refer to this page, which I linked to on WP2?
This is the reason I chose to write a blog post for this project. A wonderful time capsule of memories.
consider cutting
young
cut
or
and
all
cut
from
cut
had
cut
life
cut
the substance of
the substance of her writing?
My mom used to have a blog from 2008 to 2013. I would always frequent this website to find old photos quickly because they are organized by date.
My mom had a blog from 2008 to 2013. I used to visit it often to find old photos quickly, because they are organized by date.
would always frequent
frequented
used to have
had
Ironically, in
In
soon.
This piece strikes me as neither an op-ed nor an open letter. It operates without concern for the conventions those genres demand. It's essentially an argumentative essay. One that begs the question, why now? Why make this argument about TLJ now?
Star Wars has always reflected that reality, taking inspiration from revolutionary forces like the Vietcong for the Rebel Alliance and the evils of the Nazis to portray the Galactic Empire.
can you provide citations?
He’s the hero people all want to see themselves as
he's the hero audiences identify with
For Star Wars fans
for all, or for some?
choice of theme and story fail
what are those criticisms?
Reader response theory
new paragraph
The first installment, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015).
another fragment. where's the verb?
sequel trilogy. It promised three exciting new installments in its sequel trilogy
awkward phrasing
and
use a word/phrase suggesting contrast or irony:
yet ... despite that fact that ...
Star Wars had
putting this in the past tense suggests you're talking specifically about the film, so, use italics
This fanbase is no longer of a single mind
are you suggesting that is was at some point?
Series creator George Lucas made the decision to sell the franchise rights back in 2012, letting Disney take the reins.
fragment
film narrative
how did it challenge film narrative?
nothing in film and media has ever been the same.
avoid negative construction. just say:
... film and media haven't been the same.
ever
cut
Piece
So, neither an op-ed nor an open letter. What have you written?
To those who read this piece and find themselves willing to give the film another chance, to look deeper,
add another paragraph break here to set this final sentiment apart
I wanted to close the piece out the way I did for that very reason.
here, you appear to veer away from an emphasis on audience
Because with how people describe this movie, the average person expects a movie with nothing of value, an insult to any movie fan
wonky preposition use; missing sentence elements:
Because of how people describe this move, the average person expects it to lack value.
What exactly are you trying to say about movie fans here? That the reactions of those critical of TLJ have tainted the way newcomers might view the film, and that consequently they (the haters) have insult movie fans generally?
when thinking about how I wanted to go about this open letter,
Wait, I thought you said this was an op-ed?
the Last Jedi
Please write titles consistently: The Last Jedi
An opinion piece will always be rather one sided, but without inviting in criticism and opposing perspectives, the argument loses its weight
What are you basing this statement on? Aren't you just winging it here?
Op Ed’s are known for a rather loose style and a focus on making their case while inviting in possible criticism
Not sure about this description. Did you read this document that I linked to on WP2?
Or this one?
deserve.
would you say that they major shift in perspective is seeing these shows as fascinating but benign to actively exploitative and potentially dangerous? what might give this realization more bite? what if you were to example more closely the evidence of that exploitation? or, maybe there's an opportunity here to say something novel about screen time and parenting. Would these shows have fascinated you so much had they been less "off limits"?
During a 4th-grade play date at my friend Lauren’s house, the middle child of six with a perpetually distracted stay-at-home mom,
construction's a little awkward here
For example, in the ARTE documentary,
a feature film? a news report?
70 thousand gang members
are you assuming they're all gang members. didn't you just say that there were errors?
Not only were they wrongfully convicted, but there was nothing they could do about it since during the state of emergency everybody that was incarcerated was basically stripped of their constitutional rights.
include a citation here
who
that
If you look at the statistics, you could see
change to imperative: "look at the statistic and see how ..."
Ever
cut
people
what people? Salvadorans?
it is which
it is, which
, even worse than like warzones
cut
still
cut
Questioning the Cost of Extreme
a little awkward. extreme what?
For my op-ed, my audience was people like my father and others I’ve interacted with who praise Bukele and claim that someone like him and with his tactics would solve the corruption and gang problems of other Latin American countries.
this audience responds to informality?
essay
not an essay
strong engaging opening and small concise paragraphs that connect to one another and develop the argument throughout the piece
right. did you look at the how-to link provided on WP2?
op-eds
op-ed's -- add apostrophe for possessive
presidents that preceded
status quo
bleeding.
you wrote a think piece
--a reflection on the integral role bullying plays in reality tv and Dance Moms in particular.
It’s hard to gauge how much was scripted vs organic
you've already said this
Again, that’s what makes good television.
this seems like an easy out for those involved.
Reality TV is far more scripted and constructed than the audience ever realizes, that’s part of the game.
I would add a citation here
She was doing what the producers told her to do
can you confirm?
My friends bullied me a little, in retrospect
new angle
Dance Moms, the reality television show where stage moms project their dreams of stardom, youth, beauty, and excellence onto their pretty young daughters, had its cultural moments in the decade prior to our current moments in the 2020s, but still lives on in popularity, in video essays, tiktok clips, and Lifetime is airing a reunion special in the near future.
run-on
if any of those mothers really understood what they were signing up for, I wonder if they would still do it.
run-on. create a separate sentence
I chose to write this piece
please label parts 1 and 2 so that they're easy to identify
reflect the cultural and ethnic diversity of MLB players and resonate with diverse groups of fans.
is this the core of the controversy?
This suggests that MLB players’ music choices mirror the world’s music choices
or that they're just aware of popular music?
From 1998 through 2008, San Diego Padres closing pitcher Trevor Hoffman entered games to the sound of AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells.”
clarify that walk-up songs are not a new phenomenon. the hoffman example dates back a quarter century! what's different about walk up songs NOW?
The world will never know if the Nationals would have won the World Series without “Baby Shark,”
maybe provide more info here. in what way(s) did the walk up song affect Parra's performance?
I included eight bolded subheadings. I wanted to break my points into bite-sized pieces to keep my readers engaged and following along.
less common in op-ed writing. did you identify examples using this technique?
removed.
most people don't enjoy loot boxes; some don't care; some even kind of like them
--we shouldn't be accepting of this mechanic; we should invite legislation
--readers should think more/care more
--what changes? more people are aware and proposed leads to larger more productive conversation
The ESRB, the major game rating organization within the United States, started putting text on the age rating label that they place on games warning customers of in-game purchases.
why did they do so? who pressured them? the feds?
Legislation that outright bans loot boxes will not be effective unless it is enforced, which has already proven to be difficult.
citation?
seems like lawmakers are moving slowly
maybe look into this more. go beyond how things "seem"
ultimately
cut
casually familiar with and interested in gaming
and those people would more likely find and spend time reading a blog post on gaming? that was your thinking, right?
Blogs are typically a more casual approach to writing
I think they offered sound advice. but there's still the question of identifying your motivation, and the action you used the blog post genre to perform
This was the most prominent reason I chose the format.
but what about your motivation? what action did you wish to take re: loot boxes? how does the blog post genre faciliatate that action?
Belgium
awkward, given that your previous sentence appears to focus on the US
Somewhat famously
somewhat?
children.
combine this paragraph with the previous one
Loot boxes, along with other forms of online gambling, are largely unregulated.
did you just say this?
It’s no secret that loot boxes are considered a form of gambling akin to slot machines by many people
maybe provide a citation two here. SHOW readers that this view exists rather than TELL them.
With Overwatch’s profits totaling over $1 billion less than a year after release, this was not the case for many others.
Phrasing
Revenge Team
in what way, if any, does this nick-name apply to LeBron?
And then, enter Team USA, this 2024 “Revenge Team,” locked and loaded, ready to capture gold for the 9th time in 11 Olympics. LeBron, Steph, Durant, Embiid, Tatum, and Booker signing up to play feels less like the old blueprint of slapping stars together— the sort of “fantasy draft mode” approach we’ve seen in the past.
Maybe include a brief sentence explaining why they're the "revenge team"
thunderous LeBron tomahawk dunk into the future.
maybe elaborate a tad here for members of your audience less familiar with this particular moment
I abided to stylistic conventions
I abided stylistic convention
OR
i adhered to ...
why not take a moment to retrace the intricate history of USA Basketball?
for what purpose? you're asking for your reader's time and attention-- tell them (or at least allude to) what you hope to accomplish
Naturally,
cut
sport and where it resides in popular culture
so, it's not an intersection. sports are "in" or "a part of" popular culture
live at the intersection
second time this phrase appears here. is it really an intersection? or are the actions you describe (reporting and storytelling) part of the genre? what would it be without them?
time.
nice rationale
Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Jonathan Abrams
good
reflected on
reflected on? or reflected?
myriad of
the preposition "of" is unnecessary
with a vibrant cultural backdrop
of what?
intersection of two closely related discursive milieus: sports and popular culture
one could argue sports and popular cultural are one in the same. there is no intersection to the extent that, for many, sports are as much a part of their everyday lives as music, tv, and film.
If a painting was made at a particular time and meant to exist in a particular space in the world
The word "if" is doing a lot of work here. Can you bring in some theoretical backing?
The idea of having art accessible to a broad audience is a nice theory, but the singularity of objects is what prevents “everyone” from constantly having access to an object
Consider citing Walter Benjamin's "The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction"
I do not deny that there is a powerful argument in favor of museums: they make different cultures more accessible.
You say something very similar to this in paragraph 4
be in dialogue with their natural environment
maybe provide some citations arguing this point
are meant
by whom?
quantifies
a measurement of size (as in, it's difficult to quantify the impact of his actions on the community). do you mean qualifies?
does provide
provides
Who does art belong to?
The irony here is that it's the Italians who ultimately ruled against repatriation
Los Angeles.
Consider combining paragraphs 1-2 and tidying up the time line
Upper Court
Council of State
Initially, a lawsuit was filed in 2018 by the Italian Ministry of Culture against the Getty
The article you cite contains a time line and events that differ from what you state here. Alex Postiglione exported the painting in 2018, but the Getty Trust didn't purchase it until 2021. Also, the Council of State overruled the Ministry of Culture's 2022 decision in favor of repatriation.
the Italian Court
In January, the Italian Council of State ruled in favor of the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles in a repatriation case concerning Jacapo Bassano's The Miracle of the Quails.
I open with a reference to the Italian Court case about the Bassano painting, which was resolved in January of this year
an excellent way into this discussion
diet.
--it's hard to pick up on a clear through line, as each paragraph seems randomly placed rather than building toward something
--some parts of your analysis would benefit from screen shots from the film
--the absence of citations (hyperlinks) denies you the opportunity to put this film in context, relating it to other similar books, films, studies, and testimonials
The genre of this film primarily serves as a documentary, but it incorporates engaging elements of sports and advocacy through the protagonist James Wilks.
This point seems a bit strained. The film is a documentary about sports and nutrition.
The scenes that focus on animal agriculture are often dark and eerie, emphasizing the environmental and ethical implications of animal based food consumption.
these examples have to do with lighting and cinematography
Mise-en-Scène
this term has to do with stage/set design
The cinematography and editing uses the natural beauty of landscapes during an athletic performance to awe the viewers. Throughout the film, viewers will see high quality shots of nature, arenas, cheering crowds, and athletes performing their sport. Dynamic camera angles
why not include screen shots from the film?
After learning that historic Roman Empire fighters ate a plant based diet, he embarked on a journey to explore the benefits of a plant based diet in today's age.
You might include a citation here to some material that backs up the piece of information.
he embarked
on which he embarked
OR
that he embarked on
“The Game Changers” is a thought provoking documentary that challenges the conventional beliefs athletes have been taught little about throughout their careers: advocating for a plant-based diet for optimal protein, strength, and performance.
“The Game Changers” is a thought provoking documentary that challenges conventional wisdom by advocating for a plant-based diet.
Through advertisements and marketing, it has become normalized
But what about the influence of nutritionists?
As an athlete, the thought of eating a healthy, high protein diet is essential to be able to perform and grow in our sports.
For athletes, diet is everything. A healthy, high protein diet enables athletes to perform and progress.
Typically a film review is used to be informative and persuade or not persuade someone to watch the film
A bit wordy with lots of "to be":
Typically, films reviews aim to do two things: inform and persuade.
to
cut
re-phrasing suggestion:
After struggling with acne, fatigue, and inflammation for some time, I noticed a significant change after removing dairy from my diet.
This film review focuses on analyzing the aspects within it that make it credible and for a target audience
This film review focuses on analyzing the aspects within it that make it credible and for a target audience ...
Possible rephrase:
My review analyzes the aspects of the film that give it credibility with athletes. For instance, I focus on scientific evidence and the experiences of athletes who claim that a plant-based diet supports endurance, energy, and recovery.
By sharing information about science involved, people interviewed, and areas that persuaded me, I want to spread awareness about a topic that is not talked about enough in the sports industry and amongst nutritionists.
what topic are you referring to, specifically?
out
cut
I was facing.
cut
because I wanted to capture what the film was about and aspects I think made it persuasive for athletes watching.
maybe another way of saying this is that you wished to persuade other athletes to watch it, as you found illuminating and believe other athletes would as well.
For students belonging to underrepresented groups, it’s important to take the time to learn what they won’t tell you.
which is? what exactly won't they tell you? that diversity hires aren't taken seriously at elite firms?
All her concerns she brought up to HR were swept under the rug which led to her voluntarily quitting her job.
so, abuses still occur at elite firms -- is that the idea?
op-ed
it seems more than an article than an op-ed because it seems to lack a straightforward argument.
beginning.
rushed ending. also, recommending people "do their own research" is somewhat problematic. the information you're suggesting people read is unregulated and (maybe) should be taken with a grain of salt?
In a commitment to equity, firms also sometimes give easier interviews with less technical questions to diversity candidate
maybe address the controversy around this practice, if only in a footnote?
jobs were cut due to falling demand.
maybe say a bit more about this. lack of demand as in, firms stopped bringing in DEI consultants? any theories about why?
I resonated with
The stylistic conventions resonated with me
As seen in Miracle on 34th Street and many other films and television shows, the suburbs are represented as a great place or an ordinary place, not a bad one.
in the suburbs, or in NYC?
are a renaissance of using
a bit tangled. maybe just say "use"