- Apr 2024
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benabergel.substack.com benabergel.substack.comWP311
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engage subscribers
are you effectively arguing that steaming companies failed to consider a ceiling to the subscription model, or that some subscribers would come and go depending on content availability? how would greater engagement (which doesn't address the revenue issue -- more subscribers = more money) solve the problem streaming companies are facing? or are you saying it's an artificial problem caused by the practice of basing value on subscriber growth?
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subscribers’ satisfaction
Have you read any of Cory Doctorow's work on enshittification?
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subscribers.
Can you be more specific? What exactly is the problem you wish your audience to address?
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materialize, and it's difficult to
cut
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watches a show or movie in its entirety
... watch shows or movies in their entirety
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introduction
streaming has been around for a while now. your description makes it seem new: with it's introduction, you say, streaming executives prioritize shareholder interests. do you mean to say that this was the case from the beginning, or that, as streaming has grown, companies have been less focused on customer satisfaction?
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I am writing this letter to you
I write to you ...
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Executives
maybe be more specific. presumably, you're writing to netflix, hulu, max, disney+, paramount+, and so on
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believe that open letters will continue to be a valuable tool for advocacy.
Maybe talk a bit more about this. Open letters often are advocacy tools that include a call to action of some kind. What's your impression of the way they build content, advance claims, and rouse people to act?
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I am encouraging them to be part of the change and not just execute the plan after reining CEO.
what do you mean by "after reining CEO"?
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expect
expected?
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presleygarlock.substack.com presleygarlock.substack.com
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Over and out.
--it's a little strange that you didn't include YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Music embeds: a blog post (or any digital essay) on music should feature some music
--the Billy Joel examples works better than the Gaga one because you go into more detail (with Gaga, why not share a lyric that you think resembles something the Beatles would do
--The Beatles did experiment with longer song structures as their career evolved: "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," "Revolution #9," the aforementioned 16-minute Abbey Road medley ...
--Can you articulate the core principles th
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Pet Sounds includes a lot of instrumental experimentation; surely a result of Wilson’s admiration
What about the enormous influence Pet Sounds had on Sgt. Pepper, though?
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publicized
revealed
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elements of strong lyric writing
such as?
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Then finally
new paragraph
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Next,
New paragraph
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They were constantly trying new things while keeping their core principles
What were the core principles then?
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The Times
Italics
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music.
Yes, but keep in mind that most pop songs of the time (and the years prior) were about that length. And the Beatles become more interested in longer song structures as they matured ("A Day in the Life," Medley on side 2 of Abbey Road).
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Welcome back bloggers, to get anywhere near an answer to this question it feels appropriate that we investigate their songwriting as it was established in the 1960s, how it immersed itself up to the present day, and what shape it will take in our future as music lovers.
To get anywhere near an answer to this question requires examining their songwriting and the way it has embedded itself in pop song craft ever since.
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I find myself in conversations weekly as a 21-year-old college girl about the Beatles.
syntax
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My mom’s blog is a great example of how many people used this tool in the 2000’s a time before social media
Run-on
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or posters that have a large following meaning people all over the world as the reader
cut
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benign super personal like
cut
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,
end sentence, then start new one
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The way I went about abiding by the conventions of a blog post was done through my set of mental requirements.
Always a good idea to look up the conventions, especially when they've been provided
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From my experience reading blog posts over the years, I have gathered that the language can be very informal, dramatic, and even cinematic (like story-telling
Did you refer to this page, which I linked to on WP2?
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This is the reason I chose to write a blog post for this project. A wonderful time capsule of memories.
consider cutting
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young
cut
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or
and
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all
cut
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from
cut
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had
cut
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life
cut
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the substance of
the substance of her writing?
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My mom used to have a blog from 2008 to 2013. I would always frequent this website to find old photos quickly because they are organized by date.
My mom had a blog from 2008 to 2013. I used to visit it often to find old photos quickly, because they are organized by date.
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would always frequent
frequented
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used to have
had
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Ironically, in
In
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michaelsullivan264.substack.com michaelsullivan264.substack.com
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soon.
This piece strikes me as neither an op-ed nor an open letter. It operates without concern for the conventions those genres demand. It's essentially an argumentative essay. One that begs the question, why now? Why make this argument about TLJ now?
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Star Wars has always reflected that reality, taking inspiration from revolutionary forces like the Vietcong for the Rebel Alliance and the evils of the Nazis to portray the Galactic Empire.
can you provide citations?
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He’s the hero people all want to see themselves as
he's the hero audiences identify with
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For Star Wars fans
for all, or for some?
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choice of theme and story fail
what are those criticisms?
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Reader response theory
new paragraph
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The first installment, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015).
another fragment. where's the verb?
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sequel trilogy. It promised three exciting new installments in its sequel trilogy
awkward phrasing
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and
use a word/phrase suggesting contrast or irony:
yet ... despite that fact that ...
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Star Wars had
putting this in the past tense suggests you're talking specifically about the film, so, use italics
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This fanbase is no longer of a single mind
are you suggesting that is was at some point?
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Series creator George Lucas made the decision to sell the franchise rights back in 2012, letting Disney take the reins.
fragment
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film narrative
how did it challenge film narrative?
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nothing in film and media has ever been the same.
avoid negative construction. just say:
... film and media haven't been the same.
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ever
cut
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Piece
So, neither an op-ed nor an open letter. What have you written?
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To those who read this piece and find themselves willing to give the film another chance, to look deeper,
add another paragraph break here to set this final sentiment apart
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I wanted to close the piece out the way I did for that very reason.
here, you appear to veer away from an emphasis on audience
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Because with how people describe this movie, the average person expects a movie with nothing of value, an insult to any movie fan
wonky preposition use; missing sentence elements:
Because of how people describe this move, the average person expects it to lack value.
What exactly are you trying to say about movie fans here? That the reactions of those critical of TLJ have tainted the way newcomers might view the film, and that consequently they (the haters) have insult movie fans generally?
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when thinking about how I wanted to go about this open letter,
Wait, I thought you said this was an op-ed?
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the Last Jedi
Please write titles consistently: The Last Jedi
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An opinion piece will always be rather one sided, but without inviting in criticism and opposing perspectives, the argument loses its weight
What are you basing this statement on? Aren't you just winging it here?
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Op Ed’s are known for a rather loose style and a focus on making their case while inviting in possible criticism
Not sure about this description. Did you read this document that I linked to on WP2?
Or this one?
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edrewswrit340.substack.com edrewswrit340.substack.com
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deserve.
would you say that they major shift in perspective is seeing these shows as fascinating but benign to actively exploitative and potentially dangerous? what might give this realization more bite? what if you were to example more closely the evidence of that exploitation? or, maybe there's an opportunity here to say something novel about screen time and parenting. Would these shows have fascinated you so much had they been less "off limits"?
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During a 4th-grade play date at my friend Lauren’s house, the middle child of six with a perpetually distracted stay-at-home mom,
construction's a little awkward here
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nicholasalvarez.substack.com nicholasalvarez.substack.com
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For example, in the ARTE documentary,
a feature film? a news report?
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70 thousand gang members
are you assuming they're all gang members. didn't you just say that there were errors?
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Not only were they wrongfully convicted, but there was nothing they could do about it since during the state of emergency everybody that was incarcerated was basically stripped of their constitutional rights.
include a citation here
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who
that
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If you look at the statistics, you could see
change to imperative: "look at the statistic and see how ..."
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Ever
cut
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people
what people? Salvadorans?
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it is which
it is, which
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, even worse than like warzones
cut
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still
cut
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Questioning the Cost of Extreme
a little awkward. extreme what?
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For my op-ed, my audience was people like my father and others I’ve interacted with who praise Bukele and claim that someone like him and with his tactics would solve the corruption and gang problems of other Latin American countries.
this audience responds to informality?
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essay
not an essay
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strong engaging opening and small concise paragraphs that connect to one another and develop the argument throughout the piece
right. did you look at the how-to link provided on WP2?
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op-eds
op-ed's -- add apostrophe for possessive
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presidents that preceded
status quo
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heidiatlas.substack.com heidiatlas.substack.comWP 39
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bleeding.
you wrote a think piece
--a reflection on the integral role bullying plays in reality tv and Dance Moms in particular.
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It’s hard to gauge how much was scripted vs organic
you've already said this
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Again, that’s what makes good television.
this seems like an easy out for those involved.
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Reality TV is far more scripted and constructed than the audience ever realizes, that’s part of the game.
I would add a citation here
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She was doing what the producers told her to do
can you confirm?
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My friends bullied me a little, in retrospect
new angle
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Dance Moms, the reality television show where stage moms project their dreams of stardom, youth, beauty, and excellence onto their pretty young daughters, had its cultural moments in the decade prior to our current moments in the 2020s, but still lives on in popularity, in video essays, tiktok clips, and Lifetime is airing a reunion special in the near future.
run-on
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if any of those mothers really understood what they were signing up for, I wonder if they would still do it.
run-on. create a separate sentence
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I chose to write this piece
please label parts 1 and 2 so that they're easy to identify
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tannermcconlogue.substack.com tannermcconlogue.substack.com
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reflect the cultural and ethnic diversity of MLB players and resonate with diverse groups of fans.
is this the core of the controversy?
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This suggests that MLB players’ music choices mirror the world’s music choices
or that they're just aware of popular music?
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From 1998 through 2008, San Diego Padres closing pitcher Trevor Hoffman entered games to the sound of AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells.”
clarify that walk-up songs are not a new phenomenon. the hoffman example dates back a quarter century! what's different about walk up songs NOW?
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The world will never know if the Nationals would have won the World Series without “Baby Shark,”
maybe provide more info here. in what way(s) did the walk up song affect Parra's performance?
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I included eight bolded subheadings. I wanted to break my points into bite-sized pieces to keep my readers engaged and following along.
less common in op-ed writing. did you identify examples using this technique?
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gavinflynn.substack.com gavinflynn.substack.com
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removed.
most people don't enjoy loot boxes; some don't care; some even kind of like them
--we shouldn't be accepting of this mechanic; we should invite legislation
--readers should think more/care more
--what changes? more people are aware and proposed leads to larger more productive conversation
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The ESRB, the major game rating organization within the United States, started putting text on the age rating label that they place on games warning customers of in-game purchases.
why did they do so? who pressured them? the feds?
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Legislation that outright bans loot boxes will not be effective unless it is enforced, which has already proven to be difficult.
citation?
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seems like lawmakers are moving slowly
maybe look into this more. go beyond how things "seem"
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ultimately
cut
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casually familiar with and interested in gaming
and those people would more likely find and spend time reading a blog post on gaming? that was your thinking, right?
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Blogs are typically a more casual approach to writing
I think they offered sound advice. but there's still the question of identifying your motivation, and the action you used the blog post genre to perform
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This was the most prominent reason I chose the format.
but what about your motivation? what action did you wish to take re: loot boxes? how does the blog post genre faciliatate that action?
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Belgium
awkward, given that your previous sentence appears to focus on the US
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Somewhat famously
somewhat?
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children.
combine this paragraph with the previous one
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Loot boxes, along with other forms of online gambling, are largely unregulated.
did you just say this?
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It’s no secret that loot boxes are considered a form of gambling akin to slot machines by many people
maybe provide a citation two here. SHOW readers that this view exists rather than TELL them.
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With Overwatch’s profits totaling over $1 billion less than a year after release, this was not the case for many others.
Phrasing
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vsastry.substack.com vsastry.substack.com
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Revenge Team
in what way, if any, does this nick-name apply to LeBron?
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And then, enter Team USA, this 2024 “Revenge Team,” locked and loaded, ready to capture gold for the 9th time in 11 Olympics. LeBron, Steph, Durant, Embiid, Tatum, and Booker signing up to play feels less like the old blueprint of slapping stars together— the sort of “fantasy draft mode” approach we’ve seen in the past.
Maybe include a brief sentence explaining why they're the "revenge team"
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thunderous LeBron tomahawk dunk into the future.
maybe elaborate a tad here for members of your audience less familiar with this particular moment
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I abided to stylistic conventions
I abided stylistic convention
OR
i adhered to ...
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why not take a moment to retrace the intricate history of USA Basketball?
for what purpose? you're asking for your reader's time and attention-- tell them (or at least allude to) what you hope to accomplish
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Naturally,
cut
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sport and where it resides in popular culture
so, it's not an intersection. sports are "in" or "a part of" popular culture
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live at the intersection
second time this phrase appears here. is it really an intersection? or are the actions you describe (reporting and storytelling) part of the genre? what would it be without them?
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time.
nice rationale
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Bill Simmons, Zach Lowe, and Jonathan Abrams
good
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reflected on
reflected on? or reflected?
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myriad of
the preposition "of" is unnecessary
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with a vibrant cultural backdrop
of what?
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intersection of two closely related discursive milieus: sports and popular culture
one could argue sports and popular cultural are one in the same. there is no intersection to the extent that, for many, sports are as much a part of their everyday lives as music, tv, and film.
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jinawriting340.substack.com jinawriting340.substack.com
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If a painting was made at a particular time and meant to exist in a particular space in the world
The word "if" is doing a lot of work here. Can you bring in some theoretical backing?
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The idea of having art accessible to a broad audience is a nice theory, but the singularity of objects is what prevents “everyone” from constantly having access to an object
Consider citing Walter Benjamin's "The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction"
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I do not deny that there is a powerful argument in favor of museums: they make different cultures more accessible.
You say something very similar to this in paragraph 4
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be in dialogue with their natural environment
maybe provide some citations arguing this point
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are meant
by whom?
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quantifies
a measurement of size (as in, it's difficult to quantify the impact of his actions on the community). do you mean qualifies?
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does provide
provides
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Who does art belong to?
The irony here is that it's the Italians who ultimately ruled against repatriation
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Los Angeles.
Consider combining paragraphs 1-2 and tidying up the time line
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Upper Court
Council of State
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Initially, a lawsuit was filed in 2018 by the Italian Ministry of Culture against the Getty
The article you cite contains a time line and events that differ from what you state here. Alex Postiglione exported the painting in 2018, but the Getty Trust didn't purchase it until 2021. Also, the Council of State overruled the Ministry of Culture's 2022 decision in favor of repatriation.
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the Italian Court
In January, the Italian Council of State ruled in favor of the J. Paul Getty Museum in Los Angeles in a repatriation case concerning Jacapo Bassano's The Miracle of the Quails.
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I open with a reference to the Italian Court case about the Bassano painting, which was resolved in January of this year
an excellent way into this discussion
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kkatelynsmith.substack.com kkatelynsmith.substack.com
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diet.
--it's hard to pick up on a clear through line, as each paragraph seems randomly placed rather than building toward something
--some parts of your analysis would benefit from screen shots from the film
--the absence of citations (hyperlinks) denies you the opportunity to put this film in context, relating it to other similar books, films, studies, and testimonials
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The genre of this film primarily serves as a documentary, but it incorporates engaging elements of sports and advocacy through the protagonist James Wilks.
This point seems a bit strained. The film is a documentary about sports and nutrition.
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The scenes that focus on animal agriculture are often dark and eerie, emphasizing the environmental and ethical implications of animal based food consumption.
these examples have to do with lighting and cinematography
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Mise-en-Scène
this term has to do with stage/set design
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The cinematography and editing uses the natural beauty of landscapes during an athletic performance to awe the viewers. Throughout the film, viewers will see high quality shots of nature, arenas, cheering crowds, and athletes performing their sport. Dynamic camera angles
why not include screen shots from the film?
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After learning that historic Roman Empire fighters ate a plant based diet, he embarked on a journey to explore the benefits of a plant based diet in today's age.
You might include a citation here to some material that backs up the piece of information.
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he embarked
on which he embarked
OR
that he embarked on
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“The Game Changers” is a thought provoking documentary that challenges the conventional beliefs athletes have been taught little about throughout their careers: advocating for a plant-based diet for optimal protein, strength, and performance.
“The Game Changers” is a thought provoking documentary that challenges conventional wisdom by advocating for a plant-based diet.
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Through advertisements and marketing, it has become normalized
But what about the influence of nutritionists?
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As an athlete, the thought of eating a healthy, high protein diet is essential to be able to perform and grow in our sports.
For athletes, diet is everything. A healthy, high protein diet enables athletes to perform and progress.
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Typically a film review is used to be informative and persuade or not persuade someone to watch the film
A bit wordy with lots of "to be":
Typically, films reviews aim to do two things: inform and persuade.
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to
cut
re-phrasing suggestion:
After struggling with acne, fatigue, and inflammation for some time, I noticed a significant change after removing dairy from my diet.
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This film review focuses on analyzing the aspects within it that make it credible and for a target audience
This film review focuses on analyzing the aspects within it that make it credible and for a target audience ...
Possible rephrase:
My review analyzes the aspects of the film that give it credibility with athletes. For instance, I focus on scientific evidence and the experiences of athletes who claim that a plant-based diet supports endurance, energy, and recovery.
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By sharing information about science involved, people interviewed, and areas that persuaded me, I want to spread awareness about a topic that is not talked about enough in the sports industry and amongst nutritionists.
what topic are you referring to, specifically?
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out
cut
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I was facing.
cut
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because I wanted to capture what the film was about and aspects I think made it persuasive for athletes watching.
maybe another way of saying this is that you wished to persuade other athletes to watch it, as you found illuminating and believe other athletes would as well.
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aileenho501.substack.com aileenho501.substack.com
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For students belonging to underrepresented groups, it’s important to take the time to learn what they won’t tell you.
which is? what exactly won't they tell you? that diversity hires aren't taken seriously at elite firms?
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All her concerns she brought up to HR were swept under the rug which led to her voluntarily quitting her job.
so, abuses still occur at elite firms -- is that the idea?
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op-ed
it seems more than an article than an op-ed because it seems to lack a straightforward argument.
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beginning.
rushed ending. also, recommending people "do their own research" is somewhat problematic. the information you're suggesting people read is unregulated and (maybe) should be taken with a grain of salt?
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In a commitment to equity, firms also sometimes give easier interviews with less technical questions to diversity candidate
maybe address the controversy around this practice, if only in a footnote?
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jobs were cut due to falling demand.
maybe say a bit more about this. lack of demand as in, firms stopped bringing in DEI consultants? any theories about why?
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justinwrit340.substack.com justinwrit340.substack.com
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I resonated with
The stylistic conventions resonated with me
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As seen in Miracle on 34th Street and many other films and television shows, the suburbs are represented as a great place or an ordinary place, not a bad one.
in the suburbs, or in NYC?
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are a renaissance of using
a bit tangled. maybe just say "use"
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Most
new paragraph?
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the final girl
not the first in horror, but the first in suburban horror?
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Halloween further
new paragraph
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The film’s climax is a poignant feminist message showing how the suburbs make women feel oppressive conformity in places like the suburbs
phrasing
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New York City
One problem with this example: NYC is decidedly NOT the suburbs!
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levipinkert.substack.com levipinkert.substack.com
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a different framed story.
choose your own adventure?
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Novels, films, paintings, poems, and music all tell stories in their own ways.
i'm not convinced you need this paragraph. you could just begin with the question, "How do video games tell stories?"
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Modern artists like to talk a lot about storytelling.
example?
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ashleycavecche.substack.com ashleycavecche.substack.com
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Opinion editorials
op-ed stands for "opposite editorial," as they were traditionally published opposite the editorial page.
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This shame has debilitated our fighting members and titles like “5 Climate Change Facts to Scare You” will now always have me skipping quickly past rather than immediately diving into it.
Awkward sentence. Are you saying that being shamed by idealists makes people less likely to take the climate crisis seriously?
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idealist
how do you define this term? one who seeks to live a more austere existence for the sake of the environment?
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Dear Climate Change Idealists,
unusual for an op-ed to begin with a salutation.
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strived
past tense: strove
use the past participle, "stiven," with auxiliary verbs (e.g., have striven)
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Hiller cites the main supporters of this ICI theory are operating under denial, selfishness, limited value capacity, and most importantly the “tipping point” theory
Hiller insists that the supporters of ICI are selfish, in denial, have limited value capacity, and subscribe to the "tipping point" theory.
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But I question their efficacy in inspiring meaningful change. Is this really the most effective way to gear people towards helping “save the planet”?
maybe you need to add a sentence that spells out the point: shaming people doesn't inspire them
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Those
to what are you referring?
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though
that?
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sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.comWP31
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Overall, I feel like my article does a good job of getting my point across
the main issue here, i think, is that your piece lacks are clear rationale. what's a stake? and what brought about your intervention?
LeBron hits 40,000 points, making basketball LeBron's sport.
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izabellage.substack.com izabellage.substack.com
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I had the remarkable opportunity of visiting South Africa in early 2023 and no other experience compares to hiking the stunning Lion’s Head with gorgeous 360-degree views of Cape Town,
major take-aways:
--is it the case that you developed a love for SA and rugby before visiting? if so, you need to explain where this fascination came from?
--addressing the above question will affect the other issues present here concerning organization; it's difficult to get a clear sense of how events unfolded; consequently, it's up to the reader to determine why you care about SA and the SA rugby team; without a significant initiating event, your interest seems arbitrary, making it hard for the reader to develop an investment in what you're saying
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malenasmith.substack.com malenasmith.substack.com
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The genre I chose is an Op-Ed
in what publication? op-eds are usually topical, responding to some event or phenomenon in the news. the Washington Post piece you cite isn't an op-ed, it's an article in the Home and Garden section. what makes your piece urgent enough to be included on the opinion page?
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Owning a property has become unattainable for most people today, the Op-Ed that I wrote is for a wide demographic of individuals.
run-on sentence
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Firstly
Not a word. Just say first.
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I abided by the conventions when writing an Op-Ed,
how did you learn about them? did you refer to this source, provided on the WP2 assignment sheet?
https://twp.duke.edu/sites/twp.duke.edu/files/file-attachments/op-ed-1.original.pdf
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The stylistic format is a thesis, body paragraph, evidence, and examples, a conclusion, and a word count.
how do you know this? did you look at examples of op-eds? or read guides explaining their components?
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Many of these videos I was seeing were adding wallpaper
phrasing. the videos were adding wallpaper?
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As I pondered the reasons behind the considerable investment of time, money, and effort renters dedicate to creating comfort in their temporary living spaces, I came to a realization.
why do you do this? would readers expect this of you? or should you first introduce them to the issue you're writing about?
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The genre for writing project three that I chose is an Op-Ed that attracts a wide, but yet specific sort of audience.
new emphasis, new paragraph
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Daily, I scroll on various social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, and videos and images of apartments or home designs always catch my attention.
your main piece begins basically the same way
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many.
how does you piece differ from the Washington Post story you cite about? do you arrive at a different conclusion?
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Rather than resigning themselves to the limitations that are imposed by their housing circumstances, renters nowadays are creating spaces that resonate with them and allow them to feel comfortable
isn't this another way of saying what you've already said?
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This trend reflects renters' desires for authenticity and individuality in a country that relies on mass-produced homogeneity
what do you mean by this?
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. Renters are not content with the standardized housing offerings,
what's a standardized housing offering?
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unaffordability of homeownership
how is this different from the "poor housing crisis"?
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poor housing crisis
what do you mean by this phrase?
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is not a matter of choice but a response to challenges that are posed by the contemporary housing landscape,
can't it be both?
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Individuals like Ramsey and Zamora are unable to afford property ownership reveals the severity of the situation.
The inability of individuals like Ramsey and Zamora to purchase property reveals the severity of the situation.
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reflect herself. In an interview, Ramsey expressed her desire for her living space to truly reflect herself
repetition
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This TikTok
which one?
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