cut

cut

take aways:

--diverse collection of scholarly, journalistic, and popular sources

--heavy on summary; light on assessment

albeit and however are not interchangeable

However, it's very long and thorough, making it difficult to sift through the information.

a huge topic. zoom in on what you wish to say and what specific issue, problem, person you wish to respond to. then, figure out to whom you wish to write. finally, determine what genre that audience is most likely to engage with.

absolutely. you've entered the conversation, now you have to determine what aspects of it you wish to comment on.

cut

cut

a bit clunky:

After reading about the history in some of my denser texts, and comparing this information with the controversy surrounding the perception of contemporary R&B, I learned so much about the genre, but also why the lines are blurry.

--first, clarify what controversy you're talking about (consider writing a separate sentence that address that subject)

--rework sentence: Reading about the history of R&B taught me not only about the genre, but also why the lines dividing R&B artists can seem so blurry.

not sure about some of these sources. without annotations, the choices of Plato's Pheadrus, Sophocles's Theban Plays, and the Bible seem questionable. How do these texts relate, specifically, to your topic?

your annotation suggests your discussing the full text. what, then, does the page span refer to?

why plato's phaedrus?

why was he motivated to do so? other 20th century british authors, like E.M. Forester, were likewise compelled to create a british mythological tradition. what does livingstone have to say about this preoccupation?

year?

what do you mean by over-analysis? how can that produce flimsy conclusions?

kind of a random source. you might have been better off looking for a source that contextualizes a particular brand of national hero.

put article titles in quotes; italicize journal titles

Is this a title you're considering for WP3?

what do you wish to say about national myths? which one(s) are you drawn to? what do you feel compelled to respond to? to whom do you wish to gear your response? what type of document would such readers most likely engage with?

cut

what do you wish to say? how do you want to respond? what aspect(s) of the discourse are you compelled to respond to? to whom do you wish to write? what kind of document are your readers most likely to encounter?

what's your topic, exactly? colonialism? where? when? perpetrated by whom?

where did the idea to use Rousseau come from?

Do you refer to the formatting sample I provided on Blackboard, emailed to the class, and discussed the week WP2 was due?

take aways:

--a good blend of journalistic and scholarly sources; sources speak to south african history and cultural as well as details about soccer and the Springboks

are you suggesting this is a problem? if so, why?

nice choice

good

what question would such an essay answer? what information do you feel your audience needs? why?

what's the rationale for writing a personal essay?

despite the country's history of racism?

avoid!

cut

what else did you learn about the causes of the crisis? what factors, other than the 4B movement, are at work here?

--always heard about low birth rate in south korea --course last semester-- controversy re; feminism in south korea --based on gender issues only? no, econ has a role to play; rapid industrialization after the korean war; having an impact on younger generations --harder for even a 2-worker family to support a family --koreean president doesn't have children!

--multifaceted problem!

Take aways: --abundant in journalistic sources; deficient in scholarly sources on South Korean population, culture, economic growth, etc. --some citation errors

Time

inaccurate citation

so, the birth rate was plummeting before the 4B movement emerged; how does/should that affect your understanding of the movement's responsibility?

cut

Sussman's

A Page on a Web Site

For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.

Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.

“Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.

for how long has this movement been going on? was the population already in decline when it began?

maybe a better word would be "illustrate"?

doesn't this piece do the very things you say you wish to do when writing WP3? how would your piece differ?

for what audience? if you're aim is to identify and describe the various factors at work, at whom do you wish to aim this information? and why?

fewer

less rice, time, rain (use "less" with nouns that stand for many) fewer grains, fewer minutes, fewer clouds (use "fewer" with plural nouns)

what about fatherhood? what evidence suggests the population crisis has been brought on solely by women?

Explain that this is a novel beforehand;l include the author's name; italicize book titles.

You were aware of these factors before researching the topic?

What does this have to do with the "patriarchal system" noted above?

Phrasing: I was aware [past tense] that South Korea was facing [past tense] a population crisis as the young population does not feel inclined [present tense] to raise children and families, yet alone marry.

Possible revision: I knew that South Korean disinterest in having children had lead to a population crisis.

year?

italics

what do you imagine having to say? to whom?

wasn't that its intention? maybe say a few words about Gerwig and her aims in making the film?

maybe say a bit more? scholarly research?

what were they?

this all seems fairly repetitious; it maps closely onto what you wrote in the previous paragraph

it wasn't mattel's film, though obviously they made the rights available

You just said this.

a tad awkward. maybe "were raised with" or "were familiar with"?

comprehensive? really? in 5-6 pages?

again, it's hard to imagine how one could accomplish this in 5-6 pages.

would your audience consist of the general public? if so, maybe your thinking more of a medium/substack post or magazine article

from Kurt April's article, correct? doesn't he propose a solidarity economy? here, you make it seem as though AI brings it on automatically.

involves

according to? how compelling is the evidence? found where?

what essay are you talking about? WP3? you know it will be an essay? what kind? why?

also, why passive voice? why not: "The essay focuses on ..."

do you mean to say, you chose to conduct research on this topic?

defined by? how so?

where? in what context?

inaccurate

innaccurate

remaining citations?

take aways: --abundant in journalistic/popular sources; deficient in scholarly ones --annotations require editing --bibliography doesn't follow the formatting sample

cut

... society of its ...

replace with "is"

phrasing (not sure what you're trying to say here): I was not surprised to read that humans are in fact losing our attention spans by the day, but rather the extent of how much it declined in just a few years

I don't understand your method of arrangement. how does what follows resemble the contexts of the sample formatting document I provided?

okay, so you plan to advanced an argument. what will that be? to whom will you direct the argument?

the art ... was

not sure what you mean. whose focus? what kind of area?

cut

cut

Prior to exploring the discourse surrounding social media, I had only the vaguest sense of how it affects our attention spans and the interactions we have with those around us.

[separate idea] and the direction it is leading us into.

effect on

cut

what do you mean by "the media"?

good

--overall, good blend of journalistic and scholarly sources; useful annotations

which ones?

original? netflix existed before steaming

but doesn't this suggest that streaming has cut into theater exhibition profits?

looks great

what does this refer to?

inaccurate citation

what do you wish to say (that hasn't already been said in the pieces listed above)? to whom to you wish to write? what purpose do you want your WP3 to serve within the conversation about streaming?

informational essay are purely explanatory; they lack arguments

which practices, in particular?

clarify. what do you consider the inception of streaming? netflix? or the emergence years later of disney+, paramount+, hulu, etc.?

maybe parse more carefully the effects of streaming on movies and tv

which industry, specifically? the "linear" tv industry? film? streaming?

by whom? how do you know this view is held universally?

how do? do you mean in terms of ad placement within and between programs?

i don't get this title. do you mean devolution?

cut

did you encounter any critiques of walk-up music? any fans or players who find it annoying? maybe fans who despise "baby shark"? has there been any controversy re: walk-up music?

assessment?

maybe there's more to say on this?

how useful would other researchers find this article?

why all caps?

first decide: what you want to say

what aspects of suburbia are you drawn to? what do you have something to say about?

then figure out: to whom you wish to speak

new paragraph

your annotations would benefit from slightly less summary and slightly more assessment. would other researchers benefit from viewing these texts? to what extent?

yes. this kind of discovery is would this assignment hopes to produce!

None of the cinema and media studies courses I have taken at USC and elsewhere touched on the topic of Philippine cinema

None

barely?

why? can you elaborate?

not a novel!

how so?

you'll want to define this term!

itaclics

this isn't an MLA citation

why all caps? did you check this against the samples I provided?

italics

what do you wish to say? to whom do you wish to say it?

but what are your ideas? you've said representation is trick and complicated. how so?

do you edit this document? it reads like a draft

reality tv geared primarily toward female audiences. surely contemporary feminist thinkers have written about these shows or others like them.

not sure this is strictly true. i imagine feminist theorists would have much to say about tv shows-- from Buffy the Vampire Slayer to Yellowjackets

--deep fakes? use examples to advanced analysis?

--not much upside to deepfake. why do we need it? what is the point?

--potentially useful, potentially poisonous

--general public?

good

cut

awkward. use "fails" instead.

what's missing?

no need to include how you feel.

we know this from the article's title.

cut. unnecessary.

to impart what information to which audience?

political climate? cultural fascination? women in cult: portrayed as follower male cult leaders: leaders

--audience: viewers, people who consume media --we don't think about why we're watching what we're watching

some of your annotations lack an assessment component, making them uneven, overall

what's a negative stereotype about a fake religion?

the title indicates the span is 1958-2008

better

which chapter?

good summary. but what value does the have? to what extent would other researchers benefit from reading it?

this sounds interesting

why not name it?

not sure about this term. it denotes a certain satisfaction in the misfortune of others.

awkward. the opening phrase sets up something that happens now but that started earlier.

carefully with this term

what would examining the history of the Venus of Cyrene through the lens of, say, Article 26, show? to whom would you direct such a piece?

rationale: the meaning of art objects is contingent (changes depending on circumstance and placement)

--how colonization complicates who "owns" or who can "claim" art objects as their own

--is it important to understand why nation states can claim art objects art is colonized, which lessens the original country

unique collection of texts. it will be crucial for you to define your use of the term "looting" and to explain, exactly, how it relates to the issue of human rights.

clarify how your various sources understand and define "looting"

Regarding looting, ...

what's the greenland book?

by whom? does the book make it?

for whose benefit are you writing the brief? who's your audience? what will they expect to see? any thoughts about WP4? how will the work your doing now prepare you to write a PMESII policy brief and ... some other type of document?

decision-maker re: china sub-committee (Gallagher on China); paranoia re: china; fear mongering descriptive brief for sub-committee straight forward info; no editorializing; to inform and to educate! e.g. misconceptions re: econ of china

can you think of an angel that could make your perspective more valuable to readers?

seems out of place

why and op-ed? what do you feel compelled to say or respond to? for what purpose? to what audience?

yes!

odd word choice. "to grapple" means to engage in a struggle; that wasn't the case for half the texts you encountered.

while conducting research on AI, i encountered two kinds of texts: those geared toward the public, and those written for experts.

this construction could easily be misconstrued. avoid this by dropping "I felt." you might also reconsider your use of passive voice.

The sources geared towards people in the field were difficult to fully understand.

why envision a "paper"? you could end of writing something else?

what makes it an editorial? doesn't it appear in an academic journal? why isn't it an article?

to what extent would other researchers find Bedingfield's piece useful?

flip order and edit:

Games use deceptive techniques to manipulate players into spending money, and the author calls out the lack of government regulation. Bank proposes that human rights protections should extent to the digital realm.

could be cut

replace with "shows"

probably not the best genres to report one's research. what do you wish to say, specifically? to whom? what audience to you wish to write to? what types of writing will those readers most likely come into contact with?

what do you mean?

pay to play?

who made the video? from what perspective? why is it credible?

I had basic knowledge of game monetization before researching the topic due to my background playing video games.

such as?

why all caps? did you check this against the samples I provided?

what about the article's utility? what, if anything, does it have to offer other researchers?

explore

what most piqued your interest? which aspect of the topic produced a reaction, an idea, a point of view? to whom do you wish to write?

... how it could be improved ...

awkward phrasing

As a result of seeing him on TikTok ...

cut

produced by whom? what point of view do they espouse?

... which they believe could help ...

meaning?

what exactly do you want to SAY as a result of the work you've done? why do you want to say it? to whom do you wish to say it?

why not just write a literature review covering the current state of religious integration into psychological practice?

can you say more about this? it seems important and will likely have an impact on WP3/4

Upon delving deeper into the discourse regarding psychology and religion, I have a better understanding of how the two relate to one another.

this would be a separate topic, though

how do you know this? where does this info come from?

in what?

freud and jung created the foundation linking religion and psychology? can you elaborate? how do you know that? is that something you gleaned from sources you engaged with recently?

and that is?

use a semicolon when showing contrast between two independent clauses

... topic; rather, I could ...

use a colon rather than a hyphen

book?

the assignment requires annotations that describe the source's topic, aim, and value to other researchers. i'm not see all three requirements represented in these annotations.

Descartes

please write complete sentences

a book? if so, did you check this citation against the samples i provided?