Its content, tone, and messaging are crafted with the specific intent of resonating with the committee members who will be evaluating and selecting candidates for the Marshall scholarship
how did you determine what committee wanted? how did you position yourself relative to the committee's concerns (what were those concerns)?
explicitly tailored for scholarship committees
doesn't this statement contradict your earlier claim about creative freedom? application essays are a genre, too. they have strict conventions and are, arguably, more limiting than some academic writing.
shaping the cadence and quality of my wor
how?
The voluntary nature enabled a genuine and personalized connection with the reader,
how?
showcasing enthusiasm beyond the bounds of academic obligations.
how? what exactly did you do? did it work?
characterized by creative freedom
but aren't the stakes much higher? one would think you'd take a more conservative approach.
shaping it as a capstone project that required in-depth exploration and critical thinking.
don't just tell. show!
The Impact
on whom?
.
so far, everything you've only written wind-up material. you could easily jettison all of it.
.
why set up your discussion in this way?
The first work
new paragraph
I'll talk about three important essays that show the different sides of my writing
redundant. you already said this.
I'm going to look back at my time in college and think about these essays and how they helped shape who I am as a writer today
why? for what purpose?
,
cut
show the big changes in my writing
what is that big change?
There are many types of writing that I have done over the last few years, but there are several significant kinds that are most prominent
let's revise this together:
There are many types of writing that I have done over the last few years, but there are several significant kinds that are most prominent.
I used many sources that supported as well as hurt the idea of life on Europa.
such as?
both sides of the argument
what are the contours of the argument? what are the major claims? who's making them? and crucially, within the conversation landscape, what piece of real estate do you occupy? and who are your neighbors?
that of a
necessary?
.
take-aways:
--strong paragraphing
--basically 5-paragraph essay format: intro, random body paragraphs, vague conclusion
--absence of purpose/through line
--phrasing issues (word economy, "to be")
--a tendency to tell rather than show
class
cut (category word, with principle of word economy)
my
cut
.
what did you learn from this experience?
The formats of writing I have experienced throughout my years in college have prepared me for various types of writing,
vague conclusion
I had learned to break away from the five-paragraph essay.
to do what instead?
my Writ 150 professor deconstructed the five-paragraph essay format and introduced me to the idea of other forms of writing.
such as?
The similar environment is reflected in my work.
but how?
One of our first assignments focused on parts of our high school experience and my final product was very much “high school” in quality
why? can you elaborate? provide an example? show as well as tell?
.
Too much "to be"
results.
things to work on based on this submission:
--organization/paragraphing --phrasing
I can see how it is a call for both action and reflection.
what were the contours of the debate you entered into? what were the major positions being advanced? how did you situate yourself within the debate?
The paper begins
new paragraph
his
his?
worthless.
that seems a bit harsh. have you ever considered rethinking this transactional approach to writing? it seems poised to yield disappointment.
there were so many ways in which my ideas were being limited
how? by what? who limited them?
This paper was the second paper that I had written for the class so it wasn’t my best but since all I had to do was fix what my teacher told me in the comments and add some new writing techniques, I thought it would be easy and I could finish it quickly.
phrasing. try:
I chose to revise my second paper, which I'd written on the film Life is Beautiful. Although it didn't represent my best work, I selected Paper 2 because I assumed it would be easy to improve. Turns out, addressing the issues raised by my instructor and adding a handful of new writing techniques was harder than I'd anticipated.
The
whoa. okay, we need to talk about paragraphing.
But even so, the difference between this piece of writing and the ones that came before it is that I at least enjoyed the process of making it and I was able to be proud of it without a grade.
but what, exactly, made it enjoyable? the collaboration between you and your teacher?
Looking back
new paragraph
So for the next month, I
new paragraph
-
use a dash or colon rather than a hyphen
mind which
comma
teacher
comma
essay
personal statement
my
cut
so
cut
when
cut
real-
cut
with your skills and experience and believe in your preparedness for the job.
because what you're presenting best meets the criteria the employer(s) are looking for, right? so it's all about positioning. you positioned yourself as an experienced person and, rhetorically, as someone unafraid to display personality. the question is, did it work?
resonate
misused word
The occasion for the text is an application for the 2024 Private Equity Analyst role at Bain Capital.
you made this clear in sentence 1
cookie cutter students
what's a cookie cutter student?
have “start and run a number of businesses,
have started
.
take aways:
--organization: i would encourage you to take a simpler approach in a piece such as this (here, you've got effectively two introductions, a meta paragraph on the current piece, a 2-paragraph return to writing assignments mentioned in paragraph two; and a conclusion that aims to wrap everything up in a tidy bow.
--audience and collaboration: given the impact others can have on your writing (the writing guru, for instance), I'm not sure you car metaphor holds up. that gist of the picture you're painting is that writing is a solitary practice (like driving), but your description of the practice of writing seem for your interactive and, to a degree, dependent.
--phrasing: i think you'll benefit from our work on word economy, meta-discourse, etc.
deliver the message in the best way to achieve your goal with your audience
perhaps. but this is much easier said than done.
under this context
awkward phrasing. you can say within but not under this context.
This sentence is an example of what made the final cut: “On 3/31, an increase of 10% in the price of Crude Oil would cause a loss of $13.45mm in the value of NGL’s short position Crude Oil derivatives and a simultaneous gain of $13.55mm in the value of their Crude Oil inventories.”
Good. Show as well as tell.
resonate
term misused. people don't resonate with things like arguments; rather, arguments resonate with them.
e.g., The lyrics of this song resonate with me because they remind me of my childhood.
it.
these opening paragraphs seem like different versions of an introductory paragraph
one thing in common: their goal was to prove a certain point or convince my reader of something
this is two things
The fourth piece I looked at is a short LinkedIn message I have been mass-sending to target customers to sell them on my advertising startup.
New paragraph
Next, I chose to examine a bond investment pitch from my sophomore summer internship,
New paragraph
merits of my small business investment thesis
the thesis of the piece? or are you talking about a separate project?
The second piece
new paragraph
;
maybe use a colon instead
molding
word choice: maybe "reacting"?
I found my writing under dissimilar contexts
do you mean the writing you produced in different contexts?
We wanted
you keep saying we -- were you working as a group?
further explore previous research in an area.
okay, good. what you're talking about here is the discursive context that you engaged with and entered into. what are the contours of that existing conversation (conventional wisdom, major points of disagreement, etc)?
The assignment itself was compelled by a professor to be written given that it was required, the topic however was chosen independently
phrasing. let's revise:
The assignment itself was compelled by a professor to be written given that it was required, the topic however was chosen independently
our research question
was it given or did you create it?
longer.
take-aways:
--organization is a MAJOR issue you'll want to address this semester: learn to construct focused paragraphs (on a single point, item, issue) and arrange them logically
--spend more time considering the conventions of the genre you're working in
--phrasing: you'll want to take advantage of our lessons on word economy, metadiscourse, and so on
Writing solely for academia can ruin our perception of writing and make it a chore impacting the quality of our product. Environmental factors had little impact on my writing.
here's an example of an organizational issue that affects meaning: before unpacking your statement about academic writing, you move on to a new focus
grade received
how do you know?
One course asked me to do one on someone famous, I picked Drew Barrymore
comma splice: One course asked me to do one on someone famous, I picked Drew Barrymore.
Two of the research papers
new paragraph?
Personal statements
new paragraph?
no course has given me the opportunity to write something voluntarily.
what might that look like?
to music in chicago format
phrasing. it seems like your saying "music in a Chicago format"
personal statements
for what?
psychobiographies
what's this?
argumentativ
argumentative what?
Compared to the writing I have completed outside of FYC
new paragraph?
impacted the way I wrote
how? can you show rather than merely tell?
Aside from interacting with students, I also engaged with the professor during office hours to revise the paper. Interacting with the professor impacted the way I wrote and the grade received. Receiving insight from him ensured the structure and clarity of my paper met collegiate standards.
new paragraph?
sentiment
what sentiment was that?
A core part of this course was interacting with other students
new paragraph?
it acted as
aim for greater language precision: it refers to research. did the research act as supportive evidence, or did the sources you found do that?
assignments I completed in my first-year writing course prepared me to write at a college level, it
agreement issue: assignments (plural); it (singular)
Part 1: Zoom Out
whoa. okay, we need to talk about writing paragraphs!
I chose to demonstrate the progress over four decades by comparing the quintessential film noir Double Indemnity (1944) and Blade Runner (1982), a science fiction interpretation of the noir tropes. To effectively demonstrate this transformative journey, I contrasted various elements, including cinematography, protagonists, the portrayal of female characters, and the unique production challenges they faced.
how did you come to choose these films, specifically?
ISSUE: surely a extant conversation preceded your intervention, otherwise we probably would have terms like "neo noir." What are the contours of that conversation? what's the conventional wisdom about the similarities, contrasts, and so on between noir and neo-noir?
However, I wanted to highlight that noir is a versatile cinematic style; it can be shot in color, defy gender role expectations, be feminist, or even be a musical
examples? we're back to telling rather than showing
could be applied to any genre
so it's not about a moment in time, but rather a mood, or techniques applied to produce a mood
This help me flesh out the idea that film noir is a product of its time and, for this reason, should be regarded more as a period in cinema than a genr
do you see a difference between noir and the detective story? must a detective story be noir? or vice versa?
I always started with a strong topic sentence announcing what would be examined in relation to which film. For instance, “ Ridley Scott filmed his movie after major technological advancements in the industry, with color becoming the standard and large formats such as Cinemascope increasing in popularity to compete with television”.
yes -- showing. very good.
.
take-aways:
--thoughtful presentation: reasonable paragraph length, good pacing, plain language (high readability)
--a tendency to tell rather than show
--a bit deficient in terms of unpacking your discovery: the need to cultivate a writing mindset
writing mindset, which required me to study in a library and engage in a dialogue with the sources
this is the sort of thing you want to develop further. rather than simply telling your reader -- at the end of your piece -- can you also show? where do you set up at doheny? how do you go about "engaging in a dialogue" with sources?
Billy Wilder’s filmography
is this why you were engaging with texts from (more like the middle of) the 20th century?
the development a new skills, writing script coverage
... the development of a new skill, writing script coverage.
the writing assignments as they relied on the completion of readings, often primary sources published in the early 1900s.
are you still talking about film classes? why were the sources from the early 20th century?
To my benefit
add comma
These sources provided recent information
like what? remember to show as well as tell.
more technical publications
such as? can you provide an example?
One work in particular which stands out is Walter Benjamin's Theses on History, in which he asserts that history is a continuum, and if we speculate across the timeline from a distance, we see that events repeat themselves, and history is more cyclical than linear. This piece follows a similar logic, but makes the point using specific artworks as case studies
great. but what's the specific discourse in which you were engaged? the conversation about gaga's video? were you pointing out the the homage to parajanov? were you building on the interpretation(s) of others? what was the purpose of your intervention within a specific discourse?
This piece
your article, or gaga's video? or parajanov's film?
canon
canon and category are not the same
The piece I will focus on is the first column I wrote, entitled “Nothing Has Changed, We Are the Same.” This piece analyzes Lady Gaga’s “911” music video, and traces its inspiration to Sergei Parajanov’s film, The Color of Pomegranates, which is based on the life story of Armenian poet, Sayat-Nova.
ah, okay. this helps makes sense of the column section in the previous section. the one issue i have here: the assignment specifies that you should avoid discussing in part 2 any writing you examined in part 1.
.
what was the thinking that led you to writing the majority of this piece in the third person? and what convinced you to shift to first person at the end?
canon
word choice?
“I want you to sell yourself to me,” her advisor says.
ugh, what a request ...
the article
on what? the lady gaga video?
We have our third moment.
and it is? an interest in journalism? or art criticism?
Years pass and she learns the trick to the college essay – find a point and make it three times in three slightly different ways.
ack. even at it's best process writing has move the college essay away from the 5-paragraph monstrosity with its three randomly construed body paragraphs!
.
nice set up (first two paragraphs)
–
use a dash rather than a hyphen
If life were a sentence, the milestone moments are punctuation marks.
keep verb tense consistent:
If life is a sentence, the milestone moments are punctuation marks.
or ...
If life were (subjunctive) a sentence, the milestone moments would be (modal conditional) punctuation marks.
All these moving parts attempted to culminate in an effective call to action.
Good. But how would you describe the landscape of the conversation before you entered it? What led you to select the piece of real estate you settled on?
The final sentence of my opening paragraph reads “In essence, the most important element of a successfully reformed criminal justice system is an involved effort by the entire community, working to fully reintegrate a past offender into normal day-to-day society.” This sentence can be easily improved to “An involved effort by the entire community to fully reintegrate a past offender into society will help reform the criminal justice system”.
Excellent. Showing as well as telling!
final writing project
Didn't you talk about this in Part 1?
.
What would you say is the take away? Why did you choose these pieces to discuss? What do they have in common? What do they show you about your writing?
Perhaps there is something about the structure or the stylistic choices I made to write the WRIT 150 paper that qualifies it as more scholarly but I find my GE papers to be much easier to follow
Or perhaps you had simply gotten better after all that practice.
ever
cut
past
cut (implied)
Reading back, the conditions in which I wrote are apparent by the way that the essay started out smooth and well organized, yet the quality deteriorated the further you read on.
Reading the piece now, I can identify the conditions in which I wrote it by contrasting the well-organized opening pages with the more disorganized ones that appear later.
I found that the company worked on a considerable amount of period pieces and tended to stray away from anything edgy, like something you would find A24 making. I also learned Keri was focusing on developing Oscar-eligible projects, despite her involvement in reality TV shows. While these details might seem insignificant to the physical writing process, forming an opinion on the script that closely aligns with the company’s brand goes a long way in whether the company sees you as a good fit.
Surveying the lay of the land and identifying a space for yourself (situating yourself within the discourse)
I tend to avoid sharing my work with them until absolutely necessary, as it’s challenging to pick apart their advice with them in the moment, given their superiority. After my recruiter at NBCUniversal gave me a shrug and a few grumbled words about my cover letter, I simply smiled and thanked him—no use prying for help if he isn't offering it.
Are these different issues, though? One concerning power imbalance and the other indifference?
When consulting Alyssa on my club applications
one of your more successful transitions
pounding away
... on ...
I would consider much of the writing I’ve done at USC involuntary, which has not impacted the effort I’ve discerned to give it, but rather whether or not I perceive it as an example of “good writing.”
confusing. try:
Much of the writing I’ve done at USC has been involuntary. And while the topical limitations, deadlines, and so on that accompany involuntary writing inevitably weighed on me, most of the pressure I've felt to complete assignments has come from within. My desire to satisfy myself, to produce "good writing," has typically eclipsed my concerns about assignment expectations.
medians
medians?
painful process
Maybe because control and clear purpose are qualities you've imposed onto it. Are these characteristics really intrinsic to writing?
;
maybe use a colon instead
social anxiety
Ironic given writing's social aims. It's all about identifying a discourse (populated by the ideas of others) and selecting a space for yourself within that discourse, not to bring it to a close, but to contribute to its growth.
That must have resonated with the judges at GDC, since they selected my review as one of the winning pieces
Cool. Perhaps the lessons learned here are applicable to the problems described in part 1. You started with a discourse. You studied not just the game, but the contours of the debate surrounding the game. You enabled yourself to make a fresh intervention by casting yourself (if only indirectly) in opposition to critics and naysayers, using elements of the game to rebut critical claims emerging from part of the fandom. You studied the lay of the land, and identified a piece of real estate for yourself.
I only acknowledge the game's negative reception once towards the end of the piece, where I conclude, "in a medium which so often prioritizes the players, gamers en masse aren’t quite ready to process more mature and challenging stories" (10).
Good. Showing as well as telling!
my primary goal seems to be
... I appear focused on ...
That is, until I wrote my review for the GDC competition
That is, until I reviewed TLOU2 or the GDC competition.
garnered
attracted?
Somehow, the resulting paper felt like the best piece of writing I had ever produced.
Say a lot about a little, rather than a little about a lot.
any new ideas
Was that because the relationship between music and narrative in film has been written about before? Did you engage with sources examining this relationship? Did you examine existing analyses of Toimkin and Morricone? Did you formulate responses in the form of new assertions?
I had the fantastical notion that once I had formulated a perfect thesis sentence, the entire essay would unfold effortlessly before me.
One could argue that process theory conditions writers to think in this terms: brainstorm, develop a thesis, identify supporting points, seek out sources to back up your points.
I have faced extensive competition when applying for internships and at this point, I am not sure what sort of candidate these internships are looking for. Therefore I decided that it would be helpful for me to zoom in on one of the many cover letters I have written.
awkward phrasing. try:
I have faced extensive competition when applying for internships. So much so that, at this point, I'm largely unsure what companies look for in internship candidates.
.
take-aways (parts 1 and 2):
organization: paragraphs should focus on a single idea
genre: autobiographical reflection requires ruminating on an event or series of events in one's like and from that rumination producing a message, observation, moral, or idea. also, it should tonally accommodate casual readers, in this case, other undergraduates
phrasing: match tone to audience, and take care to select and arrange words to maximize readers uptake
The teacher assistant gave me individualized feedback, clarification on concepts, and shared writing strategies and techniques.
TA = teaching assistant Awkward phrasing: keep sentence elements parallel
Try: The teaching assistant gave me individualized feedback, clarified concepts, and shared writing strategies and techniques.
In a journalism course I took a while ago, it was mandatory to complete an assignment that reports on a topic of our choosing.
Try: Earlier in my college career, I took a journalism course in which the professor required students to complete an assignment reporting on a topic of our choosing.
Or: In COMM 202, which I took during my second year, I was required to write about a topic of my choosing.
When writing this written assignment
redundant
I prefer to work in places that are quiet and that will allow me to focus.
new paragraph?
The material I used when conducting my research
new paragraph?
When I continued to write and conduct more research, I concluded that the Willow Project is a controversial topic
new paragraph?
I also interacted with my classmates
new paragraph?
The formatting of the research essay
new paragraph?
Willow Project
What's this?
The writing assignment I turned in was a required final assignment for an environmental law course.
Abrupt start
I engaged with my professor
new paragraph?
.
This piece describes how you went about writing your stump speech, but doesn't quite clarify how or where the resulting work is situated within the discourse where it resides. What are the issues surrounding the race and what stances do you take in your piece? What political ideas does your speech echo? What figures?
genres.
take-aways: * Ample description of various collaborative circumstances; some discussion, too, of how feeling connected to the subject matter yields better outcomes. * Organizational issues overall and within individual paragraphs. * Absence of a through line (what should readers, especially college students a few years behind you) glean from this piece?
.
Ah, okay. It would help to know this detail from the outset. You were provide two articles in conversation with one another. Your job, effectively, was to join that conversation and an intervention of your own.
I wanted my audience to reflect upon how similar events in history are to what is currently happening
so, an audience comprised of readers interested in how media (whatever one specifically means by that term) affects culture and vice versa?
Each article does not directly state
Neither article states ...
All of these being guidelines I would usually follow if I were to write an academic argumentative essay.
Okay, but what was the conversation about prior to your entering it? What do your comments on "media as vernacular" contribute to that conversation? How did you situate your argument? In alignment with what/whom, in opposition to what/whom?
modernity
modernity and modernism usually aren't thought of as being the same thing. what do you mean by "modernism"?
vernacular’s
is this paper, what do you mean by "media"? what do you mean by "modernism"?
was vaguely summarized
Why write about yourself using passive voice?
Media as a Vernacular for the Masses and Its Contribution to Modernism
use quotation marks for articles and essays and italics for books, magazines, films, and newpapers
As I read through this paper that I had just written last semester, after having read my previous works from nearly two to three years ago, I had definitely noticed that my writing matured over time.
Wordy. Try:
As I read this paper from last semester, I definitely noticed that my writing had matured.
The final paper I would like to discuss
I'm reminded of the five paragraph essay because your examples seem randomly selected. It's unclear why you chose these examples, specifically; it's also unclear how these samples converge to tell a cogent story. Why these readings? Why discussed in this order? How do they fit together? What's the message?
research
maybe say a few words about research. is it something you dislike doing? why? what about in the context of screenwriting?
into my own hands in the ways
replace with "regarding how"
as a person
cut (unnecessary)
,
no comma needed
my
cut
–
use a dash rather than a hyphen
In the first essay of my critical reading and writing class, titled Ignoring Ethics by Lying, I reflected upon a reading about the ways people may steer away from ethical decision making, given to me by my professor, and discussed how the content related to my daily life.
Awkward phrasing: Word economy/awkward phrasing. Try:
In "Ignoring Ethics by Lying," the first piece I wrote for critical reading and writing, I reflected on a class reading about the ways people avoid ethical decision making and discussed how the content related to my life.
a particular format
Can you say more about this format that you had to follow? All genres have conventions, and some of those conventions involve structure. What makes the structure(s) you've had to follow in college so challenging?
my papers
Your papers? Arguments being made in your papers would be your arguments, right? Do you mean the arguments made in class readings?
which led to all of my essays in that class following the five-paragraph essay format
How would you define this structure? I'm surprised to learn that De Anza's teaching the 5-paragraph essay.
rather
cut
nonfiction writing, I have had to approach,
Why the comma?
I do not find as much pleasure in nonfiction papers as much as writing screenplays
Word economy (alternatives to negative constructions):
I prefer writing screenplays to college papers ...
While writing screenplays is what I find myself most comfortable doing, a great amount of my work has consisted of nonfiction argumentative and research papers since the beginning of college
A bit wordy and syntactically awkward. Try:
While I'm most comfortable writing sceenplays, most of my written work in college has consisted of nonfiction argumentative and research papers.
In conclusion,
Ack. Never use this phrase again! It SCREAMS high school -- and you're about to graduate from USC!
to step off the beaten path amid a global pandemic. This paragraph intended to portray myself as someone who values life experience and isn’t afraid to stray off the traditional path.
More repetition: step off the beaten path ... stray off the traditional path
The original intent of this piece of text was a call to reflection
Or simply to reflect? Not sure what a call to reflection is.
At
Whoa. This paragraph is quite lengthy!
After spending my first year studying abroad in Lugano, Switzerland, I returned to the States for the remainder of my college experience. My decision to transfer meant I would be required to complete transfer applications and satisfy the personal statement requirement. Therefore, the occasion that my statement was written under was intending to submit it to colleges in my transfer application. This writing ultimately landed me admission into the University of Southern California. The text genre is a statement of intent.
All of this can be cut (you've already said it).
.
Several themes emerge here, but none converge in the form of a through line. The first two paragraphs seem poised to set up a story of a capricious nature and how dramatic, last-minute choices relate to your development as a writer. Other paragraphs involve the challenges of writing in Italian, reliance on writing to communicate with family, and adaptability in the workplace. But what's the message here?
the writing I conducted
awkward. does one conduct writing?
As I mentioned previously, my college experience was quite untraditional. After graduating high school in June 2020 and spending the first academic year at an American university in Switzerland,
cut
I learned how to be a better writer through text messages because that was often the only form of communication I had with my loved ones back home.
okay, but how? you've done a lot of telling here, but little to no showing.
The time difference between New Jersey and Switzerland is 6 hours, which meant that my loved ones were waking up after I had completed an entire day of classes. The level of communication between my loved ones and me while studying abroad was challenging due to the time difference. Due to the distance and irregularities in our schedules,
You dedicate a lot of time here to making the point that there was a time difference.
Another method of non-academic w
new paragraph
Part of the fun of living abroad is traveling abroad. Throughout my time abroad,
more repetition
that challenged me to be a writer
be mindful of your tendency to repeat yourself: you've sad this several times
This was my first essay in college: it was all about the borders we face in life. This essay was challenging because I reflected on the borders I had in my own life as an international student in Switzerland.
For this assignment, I would advise more discussion of your actual writing and less place setting. After two lengthy paragraphs, we finally get to some writing and, well, you give it fairly short shrift.
Borders: A Very Short Introduction
use italics
persuasive essays, research papers, literary reviews, critical analysis essays, and even an IMRAD pape
great. lots of academic genres.
Writing 150
Was this the course's name? Was it a USC course taught abroad?
As someone who has always considered myself an avid writer, my writing career was challenged while studying at Franklin University, two courses challenged my writing skills.
clunky phrasing. try:
Although I've always considered myself an avid writer, two courses at Franklin University challenged my writing skills.
I spent
begin new paragraph
Amongst all the uncertainty in the world, I decided to go the untraditional route and study abroad in Switzerland for my first year of college. I was on a plane to Zurich, Switzerland, the day after my eighteenth birthday. Never had I traveled alone or even been to Europe, and there I was, eighteen years and one day old, on a plane to a different country. I spent the following year immersed in a new language, culture, and environment.
new paragraph