The
Cut
The
Cut
I wish not to alienate the very audience I hope to persuade, so I will pay careful attention
who's this essay for? are you writing to overweight people, or to physicians or nutritionists faced with having to persuade people to live healthier lives
the “fat acceptance” movement
first you have to show this is a real thing, otherwise your argument reads like a strawman
Throughout my research on this topic, I discovered that
unnecessary metadiscourse
potentially
cut
This
To what does this refer?
was recorded
by whom?
In conclusion,
Time to stop using this phrase
my aim was persuasive, so that is the genre I chose
phrasing's a bit clumsy here
with serious implications for both individual well-being and societal economic costs
word economy:
with serious individual and economics costs
Works Cited
These citations are full or errors
- which tracks carbon emissions-
use dashes
advocacy groups:
Focus #4: advocacy groups
California’s SB253
Focus #3b: CA legislature
US Securities and Exchange Commission(SEC)
Focus #3a: back to fed. gov.
international environmental law(or IEL
Focus #2 IEL
The United State’s current environmental legislature
Focus #1: US legislation
EL was originally created
by?
Even if every person on earth decided to become the most environmentally conscious person ever, it would not produce a significant dent.
you need a citation to back up this claim
corporate efforts have wanted
corporations want us
, after all
cut
multiple assistants
to be fair,, these paintings are enormous and she's quite elderly
Riley’s 2023 dots are staggered in her logic
Can you explain what you mean?
Frequently acknowledged in her biographies and exhibition press releases, including the most recent, is one of her greatest influences— nineteenth-century French artist Georges Seurat. Known for his pointillist mark-making technique, Seurat applied small dots of contrasting colors close together to depict the illusion of a continuous larger image.
maybe include a image attributed to Seurat
The new murals established a mentality of being back at the beginning, or a return to the artist primarily using dots as her visual language, as previously seen in pointillism works from the origin of Riley’s career
a bit wordy
In her new murals, Riley mainly uses dots as her visual language. Consequently, these new works not only invoke the pointillism of her early career, they seem also to be in dialogue with it.
learning to paint once more
does this statement reflect her recent work, or was the quote taken from a previous set of remarks?
This type of statement reads similar to those opinions on when an artist’s “best” work is made
i wonder if it would be more useful to unpack the terms decorative and fine art.
than now
cut
.
Good. I like how you set up the need to review Riley's past before launching into a discussion of her recent work.
the viewer’s
viewers'
Understanding the pointillism reference as it pertains to Riley’s history, which I will discuss further, is essential for one to truly appreciate her recent output.
To appreciate Riley's recent work, one must first understand pointillism as it pertains to her past.
This is currently taking place with professional dancers like Ashton Edwards, a nonbinary dancer at Pacific Northwest Ballet, and Ashley Boulder, of New York City ballet who takes on men’s classes despite her gender.
these positive developments seem at odds with your title, which to some might seem a bit aggressive. perhaps a better way to frame your argument would be to point out gender-related progress at PNB, etc. and claim that these changes reflect not only contemporary reassessments of gender, but acknowledgement of gender diversity in ballet's history
present identities.
i'm not sure about the way you're framing this argument. maybe point out that gender diversity is, in fact, present in the history of ballet and that 20th-21st century conceptions of genre in ballet are just that, 20-21st century conceptions. maybe argue that the complex history of gender in ballet show that ample precedent exists for the art form to view gender as fluid. the evidence shows, you could say, that what you're calling new to ballet isn't necessarily "new" to the art form
aside from the new strides taking place in choreography, many dance companies are beginning to accept nonbinary dancers and allow them to work on their desired skills.
seems positive
in his Times are Racing.
say more
it was a way to resist the power given to patriarchy through art and freely perform movements that occurred naturally
citation?
The emergence of gender-specific roles did not arise until the 19th century,
wait, didn't you just say that travesty dancers were women performing male roles in the 18th century?
travesty dancer
say more about travesty dancers. were they always women performing as men? this seems like far too important a historical phenomenon to pass so quickly.
Our Youth Today
Today's Young Dancers
were articles found in magazines, many of which happened to be dance-related
... were articles, many published in dance-related magazines.
, many of them
cut
of
cut and add comma: ... on my topic, ballet and gender.
my
cut
personal narrative essay
it reads like a blog post that one could shape into an online magazine article
Before it upended the entertainment industry and ushering in the streaming era, Netflix was a company whose business model revolved around sending DVDs through the mail in easily recognizable red-and-white envelopes. In 2010, roughly 20 million subscribed to the DVD service. But the practice has long felt anachronistic, and the company sent its final DVDs to customers on Sept. 29. “Those iconic red envelopes changed the way people watched shows and movies at home — and they paved the way for the shift to streaming,” co-chief executive Ted Sarandos stated.
Maybe this paragraph should go before the previous one
Netflix
although nextflix was originally a DVD rental company
,
add period
occasional scratch
on the film, right?
still
now
as
when
Before I take you into my collection
your title doesn't build expectation that this might happen
especially in a courtroom, and for good reason.
but has this concern been raised-- that AI would literally take the place of attorneys in the courtroom?
radically changed the role and function of lawyers
has it? i'm not sure i get that from your piece, which shows that AI fails to perform certain tasks, such as argue a point using pathos. AI won't replace lawyers; it can be used by them. but has it changed the function of lawyers?
amount of relevant case outcomes
amount of time / money / honey / rice
number of outcomes / classes / cases / tools
École Supérieure de Commerce de Paris (ESCP) Business School,
This links to an article published in the California Management Review. Why refer to ESCP?
Along with these expressions of love, Kali Uchis is not afraid to speak out to those who have done her wrong, especially in preserving her sense of peace and self.
Along with these expressions of love, Uchis strongly criticizes those who have done her wrong as a way to preserve her sense of peace and self.
Alongside expression of love, Uches elsewhere places expressions of anger.
which
who
.
takeaways: relentless enthusiasm for Uchis may give some readers pause-- sometimes it's helpful to balance out all the praise with minor critique; phrasing issues persist, though to a small extent that in previous assignments
Aside from her father working as a property manager, he would hold their home as a point of relocation for their family trying to make a living in the States. She would experience a lot of family members living with her immediate family for a few years, and departing once they could manage. This meant the home would be full and constantly changing. This environment would be chaotic for anyone at a young age. At the same time, seeing the sacrifices that her family members made to try and form their new lives, helped her gain perspective into struggles and coming out of that.
it seems like much of these information comes from the hyperlinked article. if you're going to rely on this source so heavily, you should mention the author and title one of your sentences
Uchis
you can just use her last name
out
cut
begins this album with a small prelude to this effectual, heart-warming album
redundant
Marshall seniors who are females
female Marshall seniors
“opposite editorial”
that's right -- opposite the editorial page
The Gap?
great. maybe add a subtitle clarifying that this article concerns female students in the Marshall school
is likely to have experience
will likely have
are interacting
present progressive tense
As women in predominantly male industries, we need to support one another
okay, so you're recommending female mentors. maybe clarify that earlier, and explain why it's important
Chances are you will get a response
Good advice
strong and resilient woman
you haven't mentioned whether young women entering business should choose a mentor of the same gender or a different one.
As a female, we are already at a significant disadvantage when it comes to the gender gap
add a citation
63% of women have never had a formal mentor
add a sentence or two discuss why lacking a mentor is a liability
behind
Maybe move the mentor sentence above here
chapter
some readers may find this metaphor confusing without futher context
Regardless of your progress toward that goal, it is essential to have a mentor to help you navigate this complex world. With May quickly approaching, graduation is on the horizon.
These sentences lack cohesion
most of
cut
As
if you're
journal
article
Three
Cut
journal
article
Whatever Happened to “What Might’ve Been?”
use italics for article titles
they may have once treasure
treasured?
–
use a full dash: two hyphens + enter (in Word)
be explorin
present progressive tense -- easily revised: present tense
I will explore ...
answering
cut
siloing
limiting
Does smoking lead to increased risks of developing lung cancer? Can wearing sunscreen prevent sunburns?
exactly how are these questions quantifiable?
Slews of
many
times
cut. just say "often."
can be very impactful in
can help spread life-changing scientific findings
OR
can help make life-changing scientific findings more well known
this genre
"it" or "science writing"
journals
journal articles, right?
but this proved to be too confusin
do you mean to say you found the articles confusing?
3 or 4 journals
journal articles?
genre.
takeaways: main claim could be clearer / more assertive; more evidence needed showing "gang films" depicting various racial and ethnic groups as being scary, etc.
However, this show, compared with Mafia media, was barely watched.
you need a citation here
As far as entertaining media is concerned, Mafia-related crimes highly appeal to the public similar to Mafia movies.
in a scholarly article of this length (relatively brief), one would expect to see the thesis by now
There is another factor at play. People all over the world love watching movies about mobsters.
right. this seems like a good place for citation, and perhaps a footnote, addressing the many films from the 30s and 40s about mobsters. cinema appears to have gravitated toward mobster movies fairly early on; they continue to draw crowds to this day
1972
i mean, there were tons of gangster films before that (might be worth mentioning)
The so-called
Jarring transition
Gangs are dangerous, scary, and responsible for countless wrongs in the United States
might as well introduce the racial component. the gangs that get media (or political) attention tend to have mainly black or latino members (e.g. MS13)
a post-COVID world.
you need a counterargument addressing the existence of tracking tech that was widespread prior to the pandemic
A similar normalization of location tracking and data gathering has emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic
but this tech predates covid. anyone with a smart phone is effectively being tracked. this tech was useful when covid deemed it necessary to notify people of possible exposure
but they lie in plain sight.
as they do in ours
During the pandemic, however, the ETS and similar policies have normalized both the request for individuals to present their bodies and the subsequent verification and framing of these bodies within a dataset of millions of others.
do you mean as a result of the pandemic? also, you really need a citation here
the ETS protected an overwhelmingly large portion of people killed and infected by the virus
confusing sentence
The Voight Kampff test employs the sovereign mode of punish described by Foucault
Unclear. Do you mean: The Voight Kampff test deploys punishment as an extension of the corporation's sovereignty?
2094
2049
mechanisms
Bio-political ...
Because the film is preceded by the somewhat less biopolitical Blade Runner, new
Cut
unregulated technology
can you provide an example?
extreme surveillance
this was happening before COVID, though
Social commentary articles
what is a social commentary article? editorials do social commentary, as do op-eds, as do columns, as to think pieces
film.
I wouldn't recommend claiming social commentary as a genre, but rather something your analysis does, in part, because that's one of things the film does.
Suggested rewrite: I want examine the isolation and loneliness depicted in BR 2049 through the prism of the normalized bio-political mechanisms present in the world the characters inhabit. Moreover, I will reveal bio-political analogues that sprung up in the real world consequent to the Covid-19 pandemic that we must de-normalize to avoid seeing the creation of conditions similar to those in the film.
Through its role as a social commentary, my aim is
Cut
Throughout his career, critics have preyed upon Nolan’s poor screenwriting, saying that his films’ successes come from the spectacle, rather than the heart
citation?
what exactly do you wish to accomplish with this claim? do yo wish to defend Nolan's screenwriting in Oppenheimer (or in general)?
These self-reflections
what self-reflections are you talking about? how is the scene with Truman self-reflective? of whom? maybe cut the Truman paragraph to clarify the tie between this paragraph and the one re: O's post-bomb speech
scripts
script's
great film is a multi-layered cake or a well-made pie; the crust is excellent, but the real treat is the filling that lies underneath
cake doesn't have a crust
In turn, they will do the same to you.
what does this paragraph have to do with oppenheimer or your previous paragraph?
supreme
citation? Nolan based his screenplay on this book, which delves deeply into the relationship. Are the characters' interactions in the films so ambiguous?
illustrated
use present tense
played
use present tense
physical
word choice?
,
comma splice -- use a semicolon
savant
is he a savant? do savants fail? is this really the question that "plagues" failed savants?
.
comma
theater
theaters
burned
bombed?
big screen
when?
as was everything else around that 18-month gap,
?
before quickly getting shelved into streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic
word choice: tentatively?
It has been just over three years since Christopher Nolan’s Tenet appeared briefly in theaters before Warner Bros. moved it to streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic.
,
no comma
released
appeared
lack of hearing
?
do-overs.
take-away: this piece lacks clarity, in large part because fails to focus-- at least initially-- on a specific problem in a specific region. you could easily cut the first third and instead begin by immediately discussing lithium extraction in Chili.
But the track record for nationalized industries
remainder of sentence?
In the 1500s
what's the specific relationship you've trying to unpack between 16th and 21st century mining practices?
minority communities
are you speaking generally or specifically about those linving in the Southern Cone of Latin America?
Africa, South Asia, and Latin America
it might have been in your interest to pick just one region rather than attempt to discuss them all in a brief opinion piece.
.
this very long paragraph lacks a central idea. what exactly do you wish to say here?
these companies
can you name one? if not, why not?
mining industries are by far the worst in the Global South
the worst in terms of what?
standpoint
ad comma
exploitative institutions
what's an institution in this context. can you give an example?
Background History and Context
subheadings like this are somewhat unusual in opinion pieces, as they tend to be hyperfocused on a single issue, providing context as needed
falling short.
pay greater attention to paragraph cohesion; 1st third okay, then sentence re: medium, then genre choice, then last paragraph. you've have at least three paragraphs jammed together here -- maybe four
Op-eds also
new paragraph
I also chose this genre
on to another topic
Op-eds
new pargaraph
more clear
clearer
I think
cut unnecessary metadiscourse
to demonstrate
demonstrating
Opinion Editorial piece
opinion piece
who your audience is and what content is and is not working
too much "to be"
... into those consuming your content.
a large amount of
much
word economy: replace phrases with words
show you
yield
growth.
i'm unconvinced you need this paragraph. most readers will already have familiarity with tiktok and, if not, can easily gain more background info via other sources.
sense of
a sense of virality?
to skyrocket your career
awkward. "skyrocket" is an intransitive verb, meaning it doesn't take a direct object. you can say, "make your career skyrocket" but not "skyrocket your career"
Thirdly
Third
I think
cut unnecessary meta-discourse
I feel
cut
became more reflective of a
began to resemble a
that of
cut
even with the United States President announcing that the country would be leaving the Paris Agreement in 2018.
cut
All described policies
new paragraph
Moving
new paragraph
California lacks the majority in public transportation, it is slow, unreliable, and preferred as a last resort method of transport for most.
awkward
system
add comma
unsightly concrete river into a lush park and recreational zone accessible to city residents.
maybe say a bit more about this
In conclusion,
avoid
To diversify my paper, and keep away from just making it a large text, I added varying photos
new paragraph. also, "to diversify my op-ed ..."
I decided
new paragraph
opinion piece backed with relevant knowledge and topics to argue for or against a topic
opinion using evidence and analysis
climate change
climate change POLICY, right?
These essays are designed to appeal not only to scholars and academics but also to a broader readership, including students and the general public.
This piece is clearly geared toward the latter
The implications are manifold; media critique is capable of shaping public narratives, influencing public opinion, and even impacting an artist’s career and public image, as can be seen through Taylor Swift’s experiences.
Doesn't this slightly contradict what you said earlier about discussing Swift in any capacity brings in revenue for media companies? Your piece, in a way, seems to be about how Swift gives media companies something to talk about, and therefore, to capitalize on
inciting the ire of Taylor Swift’s formidable fan base can also carry benefits for media outlets
A good name for this piece may have been: "The Economic Benefits of Enraging Swifties"
The content generated through this coverage tends to draw viewers, readers, and listeners who are not only intrigued by Swift herself, but also by the discourse surrounding her.
Even when the content is negative?
(Hur).
To whom are you writing? Why in-text rather than hyperlinks?
renowned
word choice
to “create works in dialogue with the French artist,” Nicolas Poussin’s paintings.
awkward phrasing
It would not feel right to review
metadiscourse
Lastly, this review would not be fulfilled without mentioning Taylor’s incredible performance which viewers have the gift of witnessing throughout this film. She made the choice to highlight not only the dancers she worked with, but herself as well, as she is also one of the dancers featured in the film
wordiness
Taylor’s ability to incorporate such a wide array of artistic details within a singular work
new paragraph
Her various
new paragrah
;
use a comma
Micaela Taylor is one of three artists who were commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit.
Micaela Taylor is one of three artists commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit
now more than ever
you really need a citation back up this claim
clear racism.
you make a number of insightful observations in this piece, but it's a bit tricky to get one's arms around organizationally.
akin to Western perceptions of the Middle East.
can you pinpoint some examples? if not, i'm unconvinced you need these opening paragraphs
The way Orientalism appears in television is different than it was a decade ago
to much "to be" makes this sentence a bit clunky
The media is overcome by orientalist narratives
word choice. to be "overcome" is to be emotionally moved. does that accurately describe the media relative to orientalist narratives?
The majority of ticket buyers for Dune were male (62%) and between the ages of 18 and 35
source?
I wanted to focus more on the analysis section as the main purpose of the piece was not to review the movie’s cinematography but to analyze how Orientalism appeared in Dune.
right. it's really a film analysis rather than a review
I can.
lots of touching reflections here, and the sadness associated with the lost Covid years is palpable. but at a certain point this piece becomes more about describing memories than about clarifying why nostalgia is important. what's important about it?
Big acts signed to record labelsThe novelty of the genre disappeared Artists’ desires to express themselves differently
why bullet point?
During
during the ...
At first, the meta was only populated with a few artists with bubblegum pop tracks to an incredibly diverse and unique internet phenomenon.
confusing. the meta? how can bubblegum pop tracks exist in hyperpop?