3,456 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2023
  2. lucaemerson.substack.com lucaemerson.substack.com
    1. I wish not to alienate the very audience I hope to persuade, so I will pay careful attention

      who's this essay for? are you writing to overweight people, or to physicians or nutritionists faced with having to persuade people to live healthier lives

    1. Even if every person on earth decided to become the most environmentally conscious person ever, it would not produce a significant dent.

      you need a citation to back up this claim

    1. Frequently acknowledged in her biographies and exhibition press releases, including the most recent, is one of her greatest influences— nineteenth-century French artist Georges Seurat. Known for his pointillist mark-making technique, Seurat applied small dots of contrasting colors close together to depict the illusion of a continuous larger image.

      maybe include a image attributed to Seurat

    2. The new murals established a mentality of being back at the beginning, or a return to the artist primarily using dots as her visual language, as previously seen in pointillism works from the origin of Riley’s career

      a bit wordy

      In her new murals, Riley mainly uses dots as her visual language. Consequently, these new works not only invoke the pointillism of her early career, they seem also to be in dialogue with it.

    3. This type of statement reads similar to those opinions on when an artist’s “best” work is made

      i wonder if it would be more useful to unpack the terms decorative and fine art.

    4. Understanding the pointillism reference as it pertains to Riley’s history, which I will discuss further, is essential for one to truly appreciate her recent output.

      To appreciate Riley's recent work, one must first understand pointillism as it pertains to her past.

  3. jaumairgarland340.substack.com jaumairgarland340.substack.com
    1. This is currently taking place with professional dancers like Ashton Edwards, a nonbinary dancer at Pacific Northwest Ballet, and Ashley Boulder, of New York City ballet who takes on men’s classes despite her gender.

      these positive developments seem at odds with your title, which to some might seem a bit aggressive. perhaps a better way to frame your argument would be to point out gender-related progress at PNB, etc. and claim that these changes reflect not only contemporary reassessments of gender, but acknowledgement of gender diversity in ballet's history

    2. present identities.

      i'm not sure about the way you're framing this argument. maybe point out that gender diversity is, in fact, present in the history of ballet and that 20th-21st century conceptions of genre in ballet are just that, 20-21st century conceptions. maybe argue that the complex history of gender in ballet show that ample precedent exists for the art form to view gender as fluid. the evidence shows, you could say, that what you're calling new to ballet isn't necessarily "new" to the art form

    3. aside from the new strides taking place in choreography, many dance companies are beginning to accept nonbinary dancers and allow them to work on their desired skills.

      seems positive

    4. The emergence of gender-specific roles did not arise until the 19th century,

      wait, didn't you just say that travesty dancers were women performing male roles in the 18th century?

    5. travesty dancer

      say more about travesty dancers. were they always women performing as men? this seems like far too important a historical phenomenon to pass so quickly.

    1. Before it upended the entertainment industry and ushering in the streaming era, Netflix was a company whose business model revolved around sending DVDs through the mail in easily recognizable red-and-white envelopes. In 2010, roughly 20 million subscribed to the DVD service. But the practice has long felt anachronistic, and the company sent its final DVDs to customers on Sept. 29. “Those iconic red envelopes changed the way people watched shows and movies at home — and they paved the way for the shift to streaming,” co-chief executive Ted Sarandos stated.

      Maybe this paragraph should go before the previous one

    1. especially in a courtroom, and for good reason.

      but has this concern been raised-- that AI would literally take the place of attorneys in the courtroom?

    2. radically changed the role and function of lawyers

      has it? i'm not sure i get that from your piece, which shows that AI fails to perform certain tasks, such as argue a point using pathos. AI won't replace lawyers; it can be used by them. but has it changed the function of lawyers?

    3. École Supérieure de Commerce de Paris (ESCP) Business School,

      This links to an article published in the California Management Review. Why refer to ESCP?

    1. Along with these expressions of love, Kali Uchis is not afraid to speak out to those who have done her wrong, especially in preserving her sense of peace and self.

      Along with these expressions of love, Uchis strongly criticizes those who have done her wrong as a way to preserve her sense of peace and self.

      Alongside expression of love, Uches elsewhere places expressions of anger.

    2. .

      takeaways: relentless enthusiasm for Uchis may give some readers pause-- sometimes it's helpful to balance out all the praise with minor critique; phrasing issues persist, though to a small extent that in previous assignments

    3. Aside from her father working as a property manager, he would hold their home as a point of relocation for their family trying to make a living in the States. She would experience a lot of family members living with her immediate family for a few years, and departing once they could manage. This meant the home would be full and constantly changing. This environment would be chaotic for anyone at a young age. At the same time, seeing the sacrifices that her family members made to try and form their new lives, helped her gain perspective into struggles and coming out of that.

      it seems like much of these information comes from the hyperlinked article. if you're going to rely on this source so heavily, you should mention the author and title one of your sentences

    1. As women in predominantly male industries, we need to support one another

      okay, so you're recommending female mentors. maybe clarify that earlier, and explain why it's important

    2. strong and resilient woman

      you haven't mentioned whether young women entering business should choose a mentor of the same gender or a different one.

    3. Regardless of your progress toward that goal, it is essential to have a mentor to help you navigate this complex world. With May quickly approaching, graduation is on the horizon.

      These sentences lack cohesion

    1. Does smoking lead to increased risks of developing lung cancer? Can wearing sunscreen prevent sunburns?

      exactly how are these questions quantifiable?

  4. janeellis.substack.com janeellis.substack.com
    1. genre.

      takeaways: main claim could be clearer / more assertive; more evidence needed showing "gang films" depicting various racial and ethnic groups as being scary, etc.

    2. As far as entertaining media is concerned, Mafia-related crimes highly appeal to the public similar to Mafia movies.

      in a scholarly article of this length (relatively brief), one would expect to see the thesis by now

    3. There is another factor at play. People all over the world love watching movies about mobsters.

      right. this seems like a good place for citation, and perhaps a footnote, addressing the many films from the 30s and 40s about mobsters. cinema appears to have gravitated toward mobster movies fairly early on; they continue to draw crowds to this day

    4. Gangs are dangerous, scary, and responsible for countless wrongs in the United States

      might as well introduce the racial component. the gangs that get media (or political) attention tend to have mainly black or latino members (e.g. MS13)

    1. A similar normalization of location tracking and data gathering has emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic

      but this tech predates covid. anyone with a smart phone is effectively being tracked. this tech was useful when covid deemed it necessary to notify people of possible exposure

    2. During the pandemic, however, the ETS and similar policies have normalized both the request for individuals to present their bodies and the subsequent verification and framing of these bodies within a dataset of millions of others.

      do you mean as a result of the pandemic? also, you really need a citation here

    3. The Voight Kampff test employs the sovereign mode of punish described by Foucault

      Unclear. Do you mean: The Voight Kampff test deploys punishment as an extension of the corporation's sovereignty?

    4. film.

      I wouldn't recommend claiming social commentary as a genre, but rather something your analysis does, in part, because that's one of things the film does.

      Suggested rewrite: I want examine the isolation and loneliness depicted in BR 2049 through the prism of the normalized bio-political mechanisms present in the world the characters inhabit. Moreover, I will reveal bio-political analogues that sprung up in the real world consequent to the Covid-19 pandemic that we must de-normalize to avoid seeing the creation of conditions similar to those in the film.

    1. Throughout his career, critics have preyed upon Nolan’s poor screenwriting, saying that his films’ successes come from the spectacle, rather than the heart

      citation?

      what exactly do you wish to accomplish with this claim? do yo wish to defend Nolan's screenwriting in Oppenheimer (or in general)?

    2. These self-reflections

      what self-reflections are you talking about? how is the scene with Truman self-reflective? of whom? maybe cut the Truman paragraph to clarify the tie between this paragraph and the one re: O's post-bomb speech

    3. great film is a multi-layered cake or a well-made pie; the crust is excellent, but the real treat is the filling that lies underneath

      cake doesn't have a crust

    4. before quickly getting shelved into streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic

      word choice: tentatively?

      It has been just over three years since Christopher Nolan’s Tenet appeared briefly in theaters before Warner Bros. moved it to streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic.

    1. do-overs.

      take-away: this piece lacks clarity, in large part because fails to focus-- at least initially-- on a specific problem in a specific region. you could easily cut the first third and instead begin by immediately discussing lithium extraction in Chili.

    2. Africa, South Asia, and Latin America

      it might have been in your interest to pick just one region rather than attempt to discuss them all in a brief opinion piece.

    3. Background History and Context

      subheadings like this are somewhat unusual in opinion pieces, as they tend to be hyperfocused on a single issue, providing context as needed

    4. falling short.

      pay greater attention to paragraph cohesion; 1st third okay, then sentence re: medium, then genre choice, then last paragraph. you've have at least three paragraphs jammed together here -- maybe four

    1. growth.

      i'm unconvinced you need this paragraph. most readers will already have familiarity with tiktok and, if not, can easily gain more background info via other sources.

    2. to skyrocket your career

      awkward. "skyrocket" is an intransitive verb, meaning it doesn't take a direct object. you can say, "make your career skyrocket" but not "skyrocket your career"

    1. California lacks the majority in public transportation, it is slow, unreliable, and preferred as a last resort method of transport for most.

      awkward

    1. These essays are designed to appeal not only to scholars and academics but also to a broader readership, including students and the general public.

      This piece is clearly geared toward the latter

    2. The implications are manifold; media critique is capable of shaping public narratives, influencing public opinion, and even impacting an artist’s career and public image, as can be seen through Taylor Swift’s experiences.

      Doesn't this slightly contradict what you said earlier about discussing Swift in any capacity brings in revenue for media companies? Your piece, in a way, seems to be about how Swift gives media companies something to talk about, and therefore, to capitalize on

    3. inciting the ire of Taylor Swift’s formidable fan base can also carry benefits for media outlets

      A good name for this piece may have been: "The Economic Benefits of Enraging Swifties"

    4. The content generated through this coverage tends to draw viewers, readers, and listeners who are not only intrigued by Swift herself, but also by the discourse surrounding her.

      Even when the content is negative?

    1. Lastly, this review would not be fulfilled without mentioning Taylor’s incredible performance which viewers have the gift of witnessing throughout this film. She made the choice to highlight not only the dancers she worked with, but herself as well, as she is also one of the dancers featured in the film

      wordiness

    2. Micaela Taylor is one of three artists who were commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit.

      Micaela Taylor is one of three artists commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit

    1. The media is overcome by orientalist narratives

      word choice. to be "overcome" is to be emotionally moved. does that accurately describe the media relative to orientalist narratives?

    2. I wanted to focus more on the analysis section as the main purpose of the piece was not to review the movie’s cinematography but to analyze how Orientalism appeared in Dune.

      right. it's really a film analysis rather than a review

  5. hlee2543.substack.com hlee2543.substack.com
    1. I can.

      lots of touching reflections here, and the sadness associated with the lost Covid years is palpable. but at a certain point this piece becomes more about describing memories than about clarifying why nostalgia is important. what's important about it?

    1. At first, the meta was only populated with a few artists with bubblegum pop tracks to an incredibly diverse and unique internet phenomenon.

      confusing. the meta? how can bubblegum pop tracks exist in hyperpop?