- Nov 2023
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mirabellepashkow.substack.com mirabellepashkow.substack.com
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still
now
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as
when
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Before I take you into my collection
your title doesn't build expectation that this might happen
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garykizir.substack.com garykizir.substack.com
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especially in a courtroom, and for good reason.
but has this concern been raised-- that AI would literally take the place of attorneys in the courtroom?
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radically changed the role and function of lawyers
has it? i'm not sure i get that from your piece, which shows that AI fails to perform certain tasks, such as argue a point using pathos. AI won't replace lawyers; it can be used by them. but has it changed the function of lawyers?
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amount of relevant case outcomes
amount of time / money / honey / rice
number of outcomes / classes / cases / tools
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École Supérieure de Commerce de Paris (ESCP) Business School,
This links to an article published in the California Management Review. Why refer to ESCP?
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sofiapires.substack.com sofiapires.substack.com
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Along with these expressions of love, Kali Uchis is not afraid to speak out to those who have done her wrong, especially in preserving her sense of peace and self.
Along with these expressions of love, Uchis strongly criticizes those who have done her wrong as a way to preserve her sense of peace and self.
Alongside expression of love, Uches elsewhere places expressions of anger.
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which
who
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.
takeaways: relentless enthusiasm for Uchis may give some readers pause-- sometimes it's helpful to balance out all the praise with minor critique; phrasing issues persist, though to a small extent that in previous assignments
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Aside from her father working as a property manager, he would hold their home as a point of relocation for their family trying to make a living in the States. She would experience a lot of family members living with her immediate family for a few years, and departing once they could manage. This meant the home would be full and constantly changing. This environment would be chaotic for anyone at a young age. At the same time, seeing the sacrifices that her family members made to try and form their new lives, helped her gain perspective into struggles and coming out of that.
it seems like much of these information comes from the hyperlinked article. if you're going to rely on this source so heavily, you should mention the author and title one of your sentences
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Uchis
you can just use her last name
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out
cut
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begins this album with a small prelude to this effectual, heart-warming album
redundant
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averykay.substack.com averykay.substack.com
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Marshall seniors who are females
female Marshall seniors
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“opposite editorial”
that's right -- opposite the editorial page
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The Gap?
great. maybe add a subtitle clarifying that this article concerns female students in the Marshall school
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is likely to have experience
will likely have
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are interacting
present progressive tense
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As women in predominantly male industries, we need to support one another
okay, so you're recommending female mentors. maybe clarify that earlier, and explain why it's important
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Chances are you will get a response
Good advice
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strong and resilient woman
you haven't mentioned whether young women entering business should choose a mentor of the same gender or a different one.
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As a female, we are already at a significant disadvantage when it comes to the gender gap
add a citation
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63% of women have never had a formal mentor
add a sentence or two discuss why lacking a mentor is a liability
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behind
Maybe move the mentor sentence above here
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chapter
some readers may find this metaphor confusing without futher context
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Regardless of your progress toward that goal, it is essential to have a mentor to help you navigate this complex world. With May quickly approaching, graduation is on the horizon.
These sentences lack cohesion
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most of
cut
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As
if you're
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freetobefi.substack.com freetobefi.substack.com
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journal
article
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Three
Cut
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journal
article
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Whatever Happened to “What Might’ve Been?”
use italics for article titles
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they may have once treasure
treasured?
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–
use a full dash: two hyphens + enter (in Word)
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be explorin
present progressive tense -- easily revised: present tense
I will explore ...
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answering
cut
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siloing
limiting
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Does smoking lead to increased risks of developing lung cancer? Can wearing sunscreen prevent sunburns?
exactly how are these questions quantifiable?
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Slews of
many
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times
cut. just say "often."
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can be very impactful in
can help spread life-changing scientific findings
OR
can help make life-changing scientific findings more well known
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this genre
"it" or "science writing"
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journals
journal articles, right?
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but this proved to be too confusin
do you mean to say you found the articles confusing?
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3 or 4 journals
journal articles?
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janeellis.substack.com janeellis.substack.comWP37
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genre.
takeaways: main claim could be clearer / more assertive; more evidence needed showing "gang films" depicting various racial and ethnic groups as being scary, etc.
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However, this show, compared with Mafia media, was barely watched.
you need a citation here
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As far as entertaining media is concerned, Mafia-related crimes highly appeal to the public similar to Mafia movies.
in a scholarly article of this length (relatively brief), one would expect to see the thesis by now
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There is another factor at play. People all over the world love watching movies about mobsters.
right. this seems like a good place for citation, and perhaps a footnote, addressing the many films from the 30s and 40s about mobsters. cinema appears to have gravitated toward mobster movies fairly early on; they continue to draw crowds to this day
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1972
i mean, there were tons of gangster films before that (might be worth mentioning)
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The so-called
Jarring transition
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Gangs are dangerous, scary, and responsible for countless wrongs in the United States
might as well introduce the racial component. the gangs that get media (or political) attention tend to have mainly black or latino members (e.g. MS13)
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justinbest340page.substack.com justinbest340page.substack.com
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a post-COVID world.
you need a counterargument addressing the existence of tracking tech that was widespread prior to the pandemic
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A similar normalization of location tracking and data gathering has emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic
but this tech predates covid. anyone with a smart phone is effectively being tracked. this tech was useful when covid deemed it necessary to notify people of possible exposure
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but they lie in plain sight.
as they do in ours
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During the pandemic, however, the ETS and similar policies have normalized both the request for individuals to present their bodies and the subsequent verification and framing of these bodies within a dataset of millions of others.
do you mean as a result of the pandemic? also, you really need a citation here
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the ETS protected an overwhelmingly large portion of people killed and infected by the virus
confusing sentence
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The Voight Kampff test employs the sovereign mode of punish described by Foucault
Unclear. Do you mean: The Voight Kampff test deploys punishment as an extension of the corporation's sovereignty?
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2094
2049
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mechanisms
Bio-political ...
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Because the film is preceded by the somewhat less biopolitical Blade Runner, new
Cut
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unregulated technology
can you provide an example?
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extreme surveillance
this was happening before COVID, though
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Social commentary articles
what is a social commentary article? editorials do social commentary, as do op-eds, as do columns, as to think pieces
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film.
I wouldn't recommend claiming social commentary as a genre, but rather something your analysis does, in part, because that's one of things the film does.
Suggested rewrite: I want examine the isolation and loneliness depicted in BR 2049 through the prism of the normalized bio-political mechanisms present in the world the characters inhabit. Moreover, I will reveal bio-political analogues that sprung up in the real world consequent to the Covid-19 pandemic that we must de-normalize to avoid seeing the creation of conditions similar to those in the film.
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Through its role as a social commentary, my aim is
Cut
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benswayze.substack.com benswayze.substack.com
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Throughout his career, critics have preyed upon Nolan’s poor screenwriting, saying that his films’ successes come from the spectacle, rather than the heart
citation?
what exactly do you wish to accomplish with this claim? do yo wish to defend Nolan's screenwriting in Oppenheimer (or in general)?
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These self-reflections
what self-reflections are you talking about? how is the scene with Truman self-reflective? of whom? maybe cut the Truman paragraph to clarify the tie between this paragraph and the one re: O's post-bomb speech
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scripts
script's
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great film is a multi-layered cake or a well-made pie; the crust is excellent, but the real treat is the filling that lies underneath
cake doesn't have a crust
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In turn, they will do the same to you.
what does this paragraph have to do with oppenheimer or your previous paragraph?
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supreme
citation? Nolan based his screenplay on this book, which delves deeply into the relationship. Are the characters' interactions in the films so ambiguous?
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illustrated
use present tense
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played
use present tense
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physical
word choice?
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,
comma splice -- use a semicolon
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savant
is he a savant? do savants fail? is this really the question that "plagues" failed savants?
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.
comma
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theater
theaters
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burned
bombed?
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big screen
when?
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as was everything else around that 18-month gap,
?
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before quickly getting shelved into streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic
word choice: tentatively?
It has been just over three years since Christopher Nolan’s Tenet appeared briefly in theaters before Warner Bros. moved it to streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic.
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,
no comma
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released
appeared
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lack of hearing
?
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jaumairgarland340.substack.com jaumairgarland340.substack.comWP310
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aside from the new strides taking place in choreography, many dance companies are beginning to accept nonbinary dancers and allow them to work on their desired skills.
seems positive
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in his Times are Racing.
say more
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it was a way to resist the power given to patriarchy through art and freely perform movements that occurred naturally
citation?
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The emergence of gender-specific roles did not arise until the 19th century,
wait, didn't you just say that travesty dancers were women performing male roles in the 18th century?
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travesty dancer
say more about travesty dancers. were they always women performing as men? this seems like far too important a historical phenomenon to pass so quickly.
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Our Youth Today
Today's Young Dancers
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were articles found in magazines, many of which happened to be dance-related
... were articles, many published in dance-related magazines.
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, many of them
cut
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of
cut and add comma: ... on my topic, ballet and gender.
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my
cut
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maanyamedapa.substack.com maanyamedapa.substack.com
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do-overs.
take-away: this piece lacks clarity, in large part because fails to focus-- at least initially-- on a specific problem in a specific region. you could easily cut the first third and instead begin by immediately discussing lithium extraction in Chili.
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But the track record for nationalized industries
remainder of sentence?
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In the 1500s
what's the specific relationship you've trying to unpack between 16th and 21st century mining practices?
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minority communities
are you speaking generally or specifically about those linving in the Southern Cone of Latin America?
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Africa, South Asia, and Latin America
it might have been in your interest to pick just one region rather than attempt to discuss them all in a brief opinion piece.
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.
this very long paragraph lacks a central idea. what exactly do you wish to say here?
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these companies
can you name one? if not, why not?
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mining industries are by far the worst in the Global South
the worst in terms of what?
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standpoint
ad comma
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exploitative institutions
what's an institution in this context. can you give an example?
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Background History and Context
subheadings like this are somewhat unusual in opinion pieces, as they tend to be hyperfocused on a single issue, providing context as needed
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falling short.
pay greater attention to paragraph cohesion; 1st third okay, then sentence re: medium, then genre choice, then last paragraph. you've have at least three paragraphs jammed together here -- maybe four
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Op-eds also
new paragraph
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I also chose this genre
on to another topic
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Op-eds
new pargaraph
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more clear
clearer
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I think
cut unnecessary metadiscourse
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to demonstrate
demonstrating
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Opinion Editorial piece
opinion piece
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gabedouglas.substack.com gabedouglas.substack.com
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who your audience is and what content is and is not working
too much "to be"
... into those consuming your content.
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a large amount of
much
word economy: replace phrases with words
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show you
yield
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growth.
i'm unconvinced you need this paragraph. most readers will already have familiarity with tiktok and, if not, can easily gain more background info via other sources.
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sense of
a sense of virality?
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to skyrocket your career
awkward. "skyrocket" is an intransitive verb, meaning it doesn't take a direct object. you can say, "make your career skyrocket" but not "skyrocket your career"
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Thirdly
Third
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I think
cut unnecessary meta-discourse
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I feel
cut
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became more reflective of a
began to resemble a
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that of
cut
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jakeoswald.substack.com jakeoswald.substack.com
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even with the United States President announcing that the country would be leaving the Paris Agreement in 2018.
cut
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All described policies
new paragraph
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Moving
new paragraph
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California lacks the majority in public transportation, it is slow, unreliable, and preferred as a last resort method of transport for most.
awkward
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system
add comma
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unsightly concrete river into a lush park and recreational zone accessible to city residents.
maybe say a bit more about this
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In conclusion,
avoid
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To diversify my paper, and keep away from just making it a large text, I added varying photos
new paragraph. also, "to diversify my op-ed ..."
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I decided
new paragraph
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opinion piece backed with relevant knowledge and topics to argue for or against a topic
opinion using evidence and analysis
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climate change
climate change POLICY, right?
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gabriellarudy340.substack.com gabriellarudy340.substack.com
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These essays are designed to appeal not only to scholars and academics but also to a broader readership, including students and the general public.
This piece is clearly geared toward the latter
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The implications are manifold; media critique is capable of shaping public narratives, influencing public opinion, and even impacting an artist’s career and public image, as can be seen through Taylor Swift’s experiences.
Doesn't this slightly contradict what you said earlier about discussing Swift in any capacity brings in revenue for media companies? Your piece, in a way, seems to be about how Swift gives media companies something to talk about, and therefore, to capitalize on
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inciting the ire of Taylor Swift’s formidable fan base can also carry benefits for media outlets
A good name for this piece may have been: "The Economic Benefits of Enraging Swifties"
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The content generated through this coverage tends to draw viewers, readers, and listeners who are not only intrigued by Swift herself, but also by the discourse surrounding her.
Even when the content is negative?
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(Hur).
To whom are you writing? Why in-text rather than hyperlinks?
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renowned
word choice
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lindsaylykins.substack.com lindsaylykins.substack.com
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to “create works in dialogue with the French artist,” Nicolas Poussin’s paintings.
awkward phrasing
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It would not feel right to review
metadiscourse
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Lastly, this review would not be fulfilled without mentioning Taylor’s incredible performance which viewers have the gift of witnessing throughout this film. She made the choice to highlight not only the dancers she worked with, but herself as well, as she is also one of the dancers featured in the film
wordiness
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Taylor’s ability to incorporate such a wide array of artistic details within a singular work
new paragraph
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Her various
new paragrah
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;
use a comma
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Micaela Taylor is one of three artists who were commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit.
Micaela Taylor is one of three artists commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit
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zeynepozdol.substack.com zeynepozdol.substack.com
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now more than ever
you really need a citation back up this claim
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clear racism.
you make a number of insightful observations in this piece, but it's a bit tricky to get one's arms around organizationally.
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akin to Western perceptions of the Middle East.
can you pinpoint some examples? if not, i'm unconvinced you need these opening paragraphs
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The way Orientalism appears in television is different than it was a decade ago
to much "to be" makes this sentence a bit clunky
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The media is overcome by orientalist narratives
word choice. to be "overcome" is to be emotionally moved. does that accurately describe the media relative to orientalist narratives?
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The majority of ticket buyers for Dune were male (62%) and between the ages of 18 and 35
source?
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I wanted to focus more on the analysis section as the main purpose of the piece was not to review the movie’s cinematography but to analyze how Orientalism appeared in Dune.
right. it's really a film analysis rather than a review
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This review differed from the standard format as I chose to focus on how the movie interacted with Orientalism, instead of performing an independent review. For this reason, my review concentrates exclusively on Orientalism as a subcategory of thematic content
This make it more of a film analysis, which is of course fine
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prequel
not really a prequel, just the first have of the adaption
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hlee2543.substack.com hlee2543.substack.comWP312
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I can.
lots of touching reflections here, and the sadness associated with the lost Covid years is palpable. but at a certain point this piece becomes more about describing memories than about clarifying why nostalgia is important. what's important about it?
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Hunger Games: Catching Fire
the film or the book? also, add italics
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“Happy by Pharrell Williams,” “Counting Stars by OneRepublic,” and an honorable mention, “Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey.”
put song titles only in quotes (no need to add artists)
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lthough we live different lives, we are connected by a common memory
nice. very effective paragraph, overall
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So where am I going with this, you may ask? Well, I want to first clarify that everyone’s nostalgic memories are different and unique
metadiscourse. not sure you need it
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in the early days, it was considered a psychological disorder
you REALLY need a source for this claim
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I made sure that my writing wasn’t condescending or that I was above them. I wanted to create a space where we are equal and that because I am the writer, I know more things than you and that I know things you don’t
wordy because of "to be," but also, a bit contradictory
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as a fellow 2002 kid to another 2002 kid
... as one 2002 kid to another
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very
word economy: delete meaningless modifiers
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, oh and some hyperlinks sprinkled in there.
nice personal touch. but keep it grammatical:
... from my writing-- oh, and added some hyperlinks here and there.
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be
Too much "to be" -- over-reliance on the linking verb "to be" remains an issue in your writing
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digital diaries
nice
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brycer.substack.com brycer.substack.com
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Big acts signed to record labelsThe novelty of the genre disappeared Artists’ desires to express themselves differently
why bullet point?
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During
during the ...
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At first, the meta was only populated with a few artists with bubblegum pop tracks to an incredibly diverse and unique internet phenomenon.
confusing. the meta? how can bubblegum pop tracks exist in hyperpop?
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casewilson.substack.com casewilson.substack.com
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The polic
Another new paragraph
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amount of players
NUMBER of players / dogs / movies / students
AMOUNT of water / rice / cheese
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When
new paragraph
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showcase my strengths
what strengths are those?
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whole new side of the topic
which was?
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medical trust fund
who's they? one fund administered by the federal government? the NCAA? individual universities?
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I believe
unnecessary metadiscourse
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to pay for four year
what about the remaining four years?
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recommendations
who's sponsoring the bill? who wrote it?
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;
use a colon here
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NIL
existing NIL legislation
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balance their schedule.
explain what this has to do with their "schedule"
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I believe
cut metadiscourse
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,
no comma needed
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the lack of regulation regarding these policies have created many problems
the lack of regulation HAS created many problems
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people
add citation (maybe more than one)
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Chair of Commerce Committee
clarify: senator from washington state
committee on commerce, science, and transportation
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yvonneabedis340page.substack.com yvonneabedis340page.substack.com
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What we once knew Afrobeats to be will never be again, it will continue to change like every genre in music. But I think that stems from how some Afrobeats artists view the genre and the thought that they're boxed into one sound and can’t deviate from that. I believe Afrobeats is the umbrella to music coming out of West Africa, and other “Afro” inspired genres then come out of it.
Main Point? So, are you saying that afrobeats is changing because afrobeats artists want it to and that it's NOT a matter of gentrification?
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I think this topic is so important and continues to happen
awkward. the topic continues to happen?
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, they are overrun and changed
run-on
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Audiences blog posts can pertain to is vast.
Blog posts can appeal to a vast audience
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, using words or phrases like
no commas
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newspaper article
newspaper articles mainly report facts, though, right? your piece seem interested in making an argument
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This is something I see happening all the time in America, for a foreign artist to be taken seriously in America, they have to cater to the American ear in some way
is this the same article the gentrification video makes?
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jiuqiaoxiao.substack.com jiuqiaoxiao.substack.com
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fidelity is a choice and it’s controlled by different levels of creative liberty exercised.
does this claim pass the question "so what"?
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