3,418 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2023
    1. especially in a courtroom, and for good reason.

      but has this concern been raised-- that AI would literally take the place of attorneys in the courtroom?

    2. radically changed the role and function of lawyers

      has it? i'm not sure i get that from your piece, which shows that AI fails to perform certain tasks, such as argue a point using pathos. AI won't replace lawyers; it can be used by them. but has it changed the function of lawyers?

    3. amount of relevant case outcomes

      amount of time / money / honey / rice

      number of outcomes / classes / cases / tools

    4. École Supérieure de Commerce de Paris (ESCP) Business School,

      This links to an article published in the California Management Review. Why refer to ESCP?

    1. Along with these expressions of love, Kali Uchis is not afraid to speak out to those who have done her wrong, especially in preserving her sense of peace and self.

      Along with these expressions of love, Uchis strongly criticizes those who have done her wrong as a way to preserve her sense of peace and self.

      Alongside expression of love, Uches elsewhere places expressions of anger.

    2. which

      who

    3. .

      takeaways: relentless enthusiasm for Uchis may give some readers pause-- sometimes it's helpful to balance out all the praise with minor critique; phrasing issues persist, though to a small extent that in previous assignments

    4. Aside from her father working as a property manager, he would hold their home as a point of relocation for their family trying to make a living in the States. She would experience a lot of family members living with her immediate family for a few years, and departing once they could manage. This meant the home would be full and constantly changing. This environment would be chaotic for anyone at a young age. At the same time, seeing the sacrifices that her family members made to try and form their new lives, helped her gain perspective into struggles and coming out of that.

      it seems like much of these information comes from the hyperlinked article. if you're going to rely on this source so heavily, you should mention the author and title one of your sentences

    5. Uchis

      you can just use her last name

    6. out

      cut

    7. begins this album with a small prelude to this effectual, heart-warming album

      redundant

    1. Marshall seniors who are females

      female Marshall seniors

    2. “opposite editorial”

      that's right -- opposite the editorial page

    3. The Gap?

      great. maybe add a subtitle clarifying that this article concerns female students in the Marshall school

    4. is likely to have experience

      will likely have

    5. are interacting

      present progressive tense

    6. As women in predominantly male industries, we need to support one another

      okay, so you're recommending female mentors. maybe clarify that earlier, and explain why it's important

    7. Chances are you will get a response

      Good advice

    8. strong and resilient woman

      you haven't mentioned whether young women entering business should choose a mentor of the same gender or a different one.

    9. As a female, we are already at a significant disadvantage when it comes to the gender gap

      add a citation

    10. 63% of women have never had a formal mentor

      add a sentence or two discuss why lacking a mentor is a liability

    11. behind

      Maybe move the mentor sentence above here

    12. chapter

      some readers may find this metaphor confusing without futher context

    13. Regardless of your progress toward that goal, it is essential to have a mentor to help you navigate this complex world. With May quickly approaching, graduation is on the horizon.

      These sentences lack cohesion

    14. most of

      cut

    15. As

      if you're

    1. journal

      article

    2. Three

      Cut

    3. journal

      article

    4. Whatever Happened to “What Might’ve Been?”

      use italics for article titles

    5. they may have once treasure

      treasured?

    6. use a full dash: two hyphens + enter (in Word)

    7. be explorin

      present progressive tense -- easily revised: present tense

      I will explore ...

    8. answering

      cut

    9. siloing

      limiting

    10. Does smoking lead to increased risks of developing lung cancer? Can wearing sunscreen prevent sunburns?

      exactly how are these questions quantifiable?

    11. Slews of

      many

    12. times

      cut. just say "often."

    13. can be very impactful in

      can help spread life-changing scientific findings

      OR

      can help make life-changing scientific findings more well known

    14. this genre

      "it" or "science writing"

    15. journals

      journal articles, right?

    16. but this proved to be too confusin

      do you mean to say you found the articles confusing?

    17. 3 or 4 journals

      journal articles?

  2. janeellis.substack.com janeellis.substack.com
    1. genre.

      takeaways: main claim could be clearer / more assertive; more evidence needed showing "gang films" depicting various racial and ethnic groups as being scary, etc.

    2. However, this show, compared with Mafia media, was barely watched.

      you need a citation here

    3. As far as entertaining media is concerned, Mafia-related crimes highly appeal to the public similar to Mafia movies.

      in a scholarly article of this length (relatively brief), one would expect to see the thesis by now

    4. There is another factor at play. People all over the world love watching movies about mobsters.

      right. this seems like a good place for citation, and perhaps a footnote, addressing the many films from the 30s and 40s about mobsters. cinema appears to have gravitated toward mobster movies fairly early on; they continue to draw crowds to this day

    5. 1972

      i mean, there were tons of gangster films before that (might be worth mentioning)

    6. The so-called

      Jarring transition

    7. Gangs are dangerous, scary, and responsible for countless wrongs in the United States

      might as well introduce the racial component. the gangs that get media (or political) attention tend to have mainly black or latino members (e.g. MS13)

    1. a post-COVID world.

      you need a counterargument addressing the existence of tracking tech that was widespread prior to the pandemic

    2. A similar normalization of location tracking and data gathering has emerged during the COVID-19 pandemic

      but this tech predates covid. anyone with a smart phone is effectively being tracked. this tech was useful when covid deemed it necessary to notify people of possible exposure

    3. but they lie in plain sight.

      as they do in ours

    4. During the pandemic, however, the ETS and similar policies have normalized both the request for individuals to present their bodies and the subsequent verification and framing of these bodies within a dataset of millions of others.

      do you mean as a result of the pandemic? also, you really need a citation here

    5. the ETS protected an overwhelmingly large portion of people killed and infected by the virus

      confusing sentence

    6. The Voight Kampff test employs the sovereign mode of punish described by Foucault

      Unclear. Do you mean: The Voight Kampff test deploys punishment as an extension of the corporation's sovereignty?

    7. 2094

      2049

    8. mechanisms

      Bio-political ...

    9. Because the film is preceded by the somewhat less biopolitical Blade Runner, new

      Cut

    10. unregulated technology

      can you provide an example?

    11. extreme surveillance

      this was happening before COVID, though

    12. Social commentary articles

      what is a social commentary article? editorials do social commentary, as do op-eds, as do columns, as to think pieces

    13. film.

      I wouldn't recommend claiming social commentary as a genre, but rather something your analysis does, in part, because that's one of things the film does.

      Suggested rewrite: I want examine the isolation and loneliness depicted in BR 2049 through the prism of the normalized bio-political mechanisms present in the world the characters inhabit. Moreover, I will reveal bio-political analogues that sprung up in the real world consequent to the Covid-19 pandemic that we must de-normalize to avoid seeing the creation of conditions similar to those in the film.

    14. Through its role as a social commentary, my aim is

      Cut

    1. Throughout his career, critics have preyed upon Nolan’s poor screenwriting, saying that his films’ successes come from the spectacle, rather than the heart

      citation?

      what exactly do you wish to accomplish with this claim? do yo wish to defend Nolan's screenwriting in Oppenheimer (or in general)?

    2. These self-reflections

      what self-reflections are you talking about? how is the scene with Truman self-reflective? of whom? maybe cut the Truman paragraph to clarify the tie between this paragraph and the one re: O's post-bomb speech

    3. scripts

      script's

    4. great film is a multi-layered cake or a well-made pie; the crust is excellent, but the real treat is the filling that lies underneath

      cake doesn't have a crust

    5. In turn, they will do the same to you.

      what does this paragraph have to do with oppenheimer or your previous paragraph?

    6. supreme

      citation? Nolan based his screenplay on this book, which delves deeply into the relationship. Are the characters' interactions in the films so ambiguous?

    7. illustrated

      use present tense

    8. played

      use present tense

    9. physical

      word choice?

    10. ,

      comma splice -- use a semicolon

    11. savant

      is he a savant? do savants fail? is this really the question that "plagues" failed savants?

    12. .

      comma

    13. theater

      theaters

    14. burned

      bombed?

    15. big screen

      when?

    16. as was everything else around that 18-month gap,

      ?

    17. before quickly getting shelved into streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic

      word choice: tentatively?

      It has been just over three years since Christopher Nolan’s Tenet appeared briefly in theaters before Warner Bros. moved it to streaming amidst the Covid-19 pandemic.

    18. ,

      no comma

    19. released

      appeared

    20. lack of hearing

      ?

  3. jaumairgarland340.substack.com jaumairgarland340.substack.com
    1. aside from the new strides taking place in choreography, many dance companies are beginning to accept nonbinary dancers and allow them to work on their desired skills.

      seems positive

    2. in his Times are Racing.

      say more

    3. it was a way to resist the power given to patriarchy through art and freely perform movements that occurred naturally

      citation?

    4. The emergence of gender-specific roles did not arise until the 19th century,

      wait, didn't you just say that travesty dancers were women performing male roles in the 18th century?

    5. travesty dancer

      say more about travesty dancers. were they always women performing as men? this seems like far too important a historical phenomenon to pass so quickly.

    6. Our Youth Today

      Today's Young Dancers

    7. were articles found in magazines, many of which happened to be dance-related

      ... were articles, many published in dance-related magazines.

    8. , many of them

      cut

    9. of

      cut and add comma: ... on my topic, ballet and gender.

    10. my

      cut

    1. do-overs.

      take-away: this piece lacks clarity, in large part because fails to focus-- at least initially-- on a specific problem in a specific region. you could easily cut the first third and instead begin by immediately discussing lithium extraction in Chili.

    2. But the track record for nationalized industries

      remainder of sentence?

    3. In the 1500s

      what's the specific relationship you've trying to unpack between 16th and 21st century mining practices?

    4. minority communities

      are you speaking generally or specifically about those linving in the Southern Cone of Latin America?

    5. Africa, South Asia, and Latin America

      it might have been in your interest to pick just one region rather than attempt to discuss them all in a brief opinion piece.

    6. .

      this very long paragraph lacks a central idea. what exactly do you wish to say here?

    7. these companies

      can you name one? if not, why not?

    8. mining industries are by far the worst in the Global South

      the worst in terms of what?

    9. standpoint

      ad comma

    10. exploitative institutions

      what's an institution in this context. can you give an example?

    11. Background History and Context

      subheadings like this are somewhat unusual in opinion pieces, as they tend to be hyperfocused on a single issue, providing context as needed

    12. falling short.

      pay greater attention to paragraph cohesion; 1st third okay, then sentence re: medium, then genre choice, then last paragraph. you've have at least three paragraphs jammed together here -- maybe four

    13. Op-eds also

      new paragraph

    14. I also chose this genre

      on to another topic

    15. Op-eds

      new pargaraph

    16. more clear

      clearer

    17. I think

      cut unnecessary metadiscourse

    18. to demonstrate

      demonstrating

    19. Opinion Editorial piece

      opinion piece

    1. who your audience is and what content is and is not working

      too much "to be"

      ... into those consuming your content.

    2. a large amount of

      much

      word economy: replace phrases with words

    3. show you

      yield

    4. growth.

      i'm unconvinced you need this paragraph. most readers will already have familiarity with tiktok and, if not, can easily gain more background info via other sources.

    5. sense of

      a sense of virality?

    6. to skyrocket your career

      awkward. "skyrocket" is an intransitive verb, meaning it doesn't take a direct object. you can say, "make your career skyrocket" but not "skyrocket your career"

    7. Thirdly

      Third

    8. I think

      cut unnecessary meta-discourse

    9. I feel

      cut

    10. became more reflective of a

      began to resemble a

    11. that of

      cut

    1. even with the United States President announcing that the country would be leaving the Paris Agreement in 2018.

      cut

    2. All described policies

      new paragraph

    3. Moving

      new paragraph

    4. California lacks the majority in public transportation, it is slow, unreliable, and preferred as a last resort method of transport for most.

      awkward

    5. system

      add comma

    6. unsightly concrete river into a lush park and recreational zone accessible to city residents.

      maybe say a bit more about this

    7. In conclusion,

      avoid

    8. To diversify my paper, and keep away from just making it a large text, I added varying photos

      new paragraph. also, "to diversify my op-ed ..."

    9. I decided

      new paragraph

    10. opinion piece backed with relevant knowledge and topics to argue for or against a topic

      opinion using evidence and analysis

    11. climate change

      climate change POLICY, right?

    1. These essays are designed to appeal not only to scholars and academics but also to a broader readership, including students and the general public.

      This piece is clearly geared toward the latter

    2. The implications are manifold; media critique is capable of shaping public narratives, influencing public opinion, and even impacting an artist’s career and public image, as can be seen through Taylor Swift’s experiences.

      Doesn't this slightly contradict what you said earlier about discussing Swift in any capacity brings in revenue for media companies? Your piece, in a way, seems to be about how Swift gives media companies something to talk about, and therefore, to capitalize on

    3. inciting the ire of Taylor Swift’s formidable fan base can also carry benefits for media outlets

      A good name for this piece may have been: "The Economic Benefits of Enraging Swifties"

    4. The content generated through this coverage tends to draw viewers, readers, and listeners who are not only intrigued by Swift herself, but also by the discourse surrounding her.

      Even when the content is negative?

    5. (Hur).

      To whom are you writing? Why in-text rather than hyperlinks?

    6. renowned

      word choice

    1. to “create works in dialogue with the French artist,” Nicolas Poussin’s paintings.

      awkward phrasing

    2. It would not feel right to review

      metadiscourse

    3. Lastly, this review would not be fulfilled without mentioning Taylor’s incredible performance which viewers have the gift of witnessing throughout this film. She made the choice to highlight not only the dancers she worked with, but herself as well, as she is also one of the dancers featured in the film

      wordiness

    4. Taylor’s ability to incorporate such a wide array of artistic details within a singular work

      new paragraph

    5. Her various

      new paragrah

    6. ;

      use a comma

    7. Micaela Taylor is one of three artists who were commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit.

      Micaela Taylor is one of three artists commissioned to create a dance film for this exhibit

    1. now more than ever

      you really need a citation back up this claim

    2. clear racism.

      you make a number of insightful observations in this piece, but it's a bit tricky to get one's arms around organizationally.

    3. akin to Western perceptions of the Middle East.

      can you pinpoint some examples? if not, i'm unconvinced you need these opening paragraphs

    4. The way Orientalism appears in television is different than it was a decade ago

      to much "to be" makes this sentence a bit clunky

    5. The media is overcome by orientalist narratives

      word choice. to be "overcome" is to be emotionally moved. does that accurately describe the media relative to orientalist narratives?

    6. The majority of ticket buyers for Dune were male (62%) and between the ages of 18 and 35

      source?

    7. I wanted to focus more on the analysis section as the main purpose of the piece was not to review the movie’s cinematography but to analyze how Orientalism appeared in Dune.

      right. it's really a film analysis rather than a review

    8. This review differed from the standard format as I chose to focus on how the movie interacted with Orientalism, instead of performing an independent review. For this reason, my review concentrates exclusively on Orientalism as a subcategory of thematic content

      This make it more of a film analysis, which is of course fine

    9. prequel

      not really a prequel, just the first have of the adaption

  4. hlee2543.substack.com hlee2543.substack.com
    1. I can.

      lots of touching reflections here, and the sadness associated with the lost Covid years is palpable. but at a certain point this piece becomes more about describing memories than about clarifying why nostalgia is important. what's important about it?

    2. Hunger Games: Catching Fire

      the film or the book? also, add italics

    3. “Happy by Pharrell Williams,” “Counting Stars by OneRepublic,” and an honorable mention, “Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey.”

      put song titles only in quotes (no need to add artists)

    4. lthough we live different lives, we are connected by a common memory

      nice. very effective paragraph, overall

    5. So where am I going with this, you may ask? Well, I want to first clarify that everyone’s nostalgic memories are different and unique

      metadiscourse. not sure you need it

    6. in the early days, it was considered a psychological disorder

      you REALLY need a source for this claim

    7. I made sure that my writing wasn’t condescending or that I was above them. I wanted to create a space where we are equal and that because I am the writer, I know more things than you and that I know things you don’t

      wordy because of "to be," but also, a bit contradictory

    8. as a fellow 2002 kid to another 2002 kid

      ... as one 2002 kid to another

    9. very

      word economy: delete meaningless modifiers

    10. , oh and some hyperlinks sprinkled in there.

      nice personal touch. but keep it grammatical:

      ... from my writing-- oh, and added some hyperlinks here and there.

    11. be

      Too much "to be" -- over-reliance on the linking verb "to be" remains an issue in your writing

    12. digital diaries

      nice

    1. Big acts signed to record labelsThe novelty of the genre disappeared Artists’ desires to express themselves differently

      why bullet point?

    2. During

      during the ...

    3. At first, the meta was only populated with a few artists with bubblegum pop tracks to an incredibly diverse and unique internet phenomenon.

      confusing. the meta? how can bubblegum pop tracks exist in hyperpop?

    1. The polic

      Another new paragraph

    2. amount of players

      NUMBER of players / dogs / movies / students

      AMOUNT of water / rice / cheese

    3. When

      new paragraph

    4. showcase my strengths

      what strengths are those?

    5. whole new side of the topic

      which was?

    6. medical trust fund

      who's they? one fund administered by the federal government? the NCAA? individual universities?

    7. I believe

      unnecessary metadiscourse

    8. to pay for four year

      what about the remaining four years?

    9. recommendations

      who's sponsoring the bill? who wrote it?

    10. ;

      use a colon here

    11. NIL

      existing NIL legislation

    12. balance their schedule.

      explain what this has to do with their "schedule"

    13. I believe

      cut metadiscourse

    14. ,

      no comma needed

    15. the lack of regulation regarding these policies have created many problems

      the lack of regulation HAS created many problems

    16. people

      add citation (maybe more than one)

    17. Chair of Commerce Committee

      clarify: senator from washington state

      committee on commerce, science, and transportation

    1. What we once knew Afrobeats to be will never be again, it will continue to change like every genre in music. But I think that stems from how some Afrobeats artists view the genre and the thought that they're boxed into one sound and can’t deviate from that. I believe Afrobeats is the umbrella to music coming out of West Africa, and other “Afro” inspired genres then come out of it.

      Main Point? So, are you saying that afrobeats is changing because afrobeats artists want it to and that it's NOT a matter of gentrification?

    2. I think this topic is so important and continues to happen

      awkward. the topic continues to happen?

    3. , they are overrun and changed

      run-on

    4. Audiences blog posts can pertain to is vast.

      Blog posts can appeal to a vast audience

    5. , using words or phrases like

      no commas

    6. newspaper article

      newspaper articles mainly report facts, though, right? your piece seem interested in making an argument

    7. This is something I see happening all the time in America, for a foreign artist to be taken seriously in America, they have to cater to the American ear in some way

      is this the same article the gentrification video makes?

    1. fidelity is a choice and it’s controlled by different levels of creative liberty exercised.

      does this claim pass the question "so what"?