- Jan 2024
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snicholson.substack.com snicholson.substack.com
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I chose to look back at three different essays, each of which, I wrote while attending college at the University of Southern California. These essays were all written during my junior year of college. It will be interesting to dive into them, because they were each written under different circumstances.
Generally, you needn't worry about including this kind of traditional intro when writing an autobiographical reflection. The idea, in essence, is to tell a cohesive story about an event of a limited series of events-- you want the piece to have a through-line, a message, a lesson.
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ajjdomingo.substack.com ajjdomingo.substack.com
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.
again, what are the specific contours of the conversation? what are the arguments? who's making them? what specific argument are you making? who and what doers it draw from? who are you aligned with argumentatively, theoretically and ideologically?
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to take a stance
what stance? and what's the stance that you take? what are the specific contours of the debate? where do you position yourself, specifically?
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parallelism
parallelism is a grammatical term (making grammatical elements parallel, as in a list). how do you mean it here?
-
.
you provide plenty of description here, telling readers what the paper does. why not show some examples?
Also, readers still don't know how your work is situated within the discourse.
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historical narrative
how long was this paper? argument, comment, historical narrative (I'm not sure what this is) ...
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comment
what's the difference between an argument and a comment? you say it emerges as an argument but extends to comment ...
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emerges as an argumentative paper, serving as a medium for social and political commentary on LGBTQ+ rights in the US. It extends
emerges and extends are fine active verbs, but they seem out of place in these sentences: not quite the right verb for the context, not in terms of meaning and tone.
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my “From Margins to Mainstream: LGBTQ+ Dynamic in the US Political Infrastructure” paper.
from what class?
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The document I want to examine
is this the beginning of part 2? please label different sections.
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.
take-aways:
one doesn't learn much about your college writing history here. we learn that writing 150 was much better than you expected it to be and that you had a connection with the prof. that's awesome. but to what end (other than learning to enjoy writing)? what did you DO? you tell reader that stuff happened, but you avoid showing them anything.
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Rather than valuing this course as another mundane, tireless writing class, I voluntarily embraced it as a medium to express my unique opinions and perspectives.
phrasing:
Rather than viewing Writing 150 as another mundane composition class, I embraced it as a medium through which to express my unique opinions and perspectives.
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the love of mathematics became my enemy
your love became your enemy? is this really what you mean to say?
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I was more fluent in mathematics and how its elegance of numbers and symmetries was more understandable to me.
awkward phrasing:
I was more fluent in mathematics and [you need a verb here] how its elegance of numbers and symmetries was more understandable to me.
or, maybe try:
I was more fluent in mathematics, its elegance of numbers and symmetries being more understandable to me.
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two groups
which groups?
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Shifting gears
a bit abrupt
-
I wrote void of impartiality without having a leading narrative
how did you avoid this? what does it mean to avoid a leading narrative?
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I connected with Olsen’s
rough transition
also, this is a run-on sentence
-
I learned to articulate opinions through facts,
can you provide an example? there's a lot of telling here, but very little showing.
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commentary
commentary? can you elaborate? what do you (or did she) mean by commentary?
-
approach adopted
by whom? you? why not just say so?
-
professor’s desired genres and relevancy
the professor's desired relevancy? what do you mean?
-
writing a piece of evaluating given texts and how these texts’ assertions collectively support each other
do you mean to describe conformity here?
-
wielde
yielded?
-
this course had an attraction for the
your opening phrase sets up the expectation that you will be the subject of the main clause:
i was attracted to ...
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I first viewed it as another obligatory chapter in my academia
cut
-
a necessary prescribed
an obligatory
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Numerical constellations resonated with me more since there was always a definite answer yielded by the simplicity of calculated formulas,
doesn't this seem a bit overwrought?
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I was unenthusiastic about my first writing-focused college course. I could not shake off the indifference that lingered within me
somewhat repetitious; not sure you need both
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kylee340page.substack.com kylee340page.substack.com
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Since writing this assignment I have learned that writing a persuasive or informative essay should not include the use of the first person,
this is not necessarily true. but either way, this point doesn't have to do with showing how your text is situated in the conversation re: asian american women and discrimination.
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I am very passionate about what I was writing so I put a lot of emphasis on how society theoretically views the importance of our lives vs how they actually view it
develop this. you seem to say here that the piece of real estate you occupy in this conversation involves making a distinction between the actual and the theoretical. good. but what are the contours of the debate? who's voices exist there? what are they saying?
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is an informative essay
did it have an argument? typically, informational essay do not.
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.
take aways: organization, wordiness, audience awareness, tone
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When prepping for any writing assignment, I like to speak
new paragraph
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When given articles to read, I find myself highlighting key information that I can quote or refer back to during my paper.
word economy:
when given articles, I find myself highlighting key information that I can quote or refer back to.
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My communications class last semester worked hands on with us and our cover letters and resumes
whoa. a very rough transition. add a transitional sentence and create a new paragraph.
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is often challenging at times
redundant: is often ... times (choose one or the other)
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it is considered to be voluntary writing
how is it considered voluntary? by whom?
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My writing experiences at USC thus far have elevated me tremendously
this comes as a surprise given that most of the examples you cite in this (long!) paragraph seem to have led to dissatisfaction.
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This however, expanded my toolbox of writing styles
more telling. HOW did these writing assignments produce this effect?
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As a business major
new paragraph!
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was for my History of California class in which I was required
too much "to be"
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When first transferring over to USC, I was not satisfied with my writing nor was I enjoying any of the prompts assigned to me.
unclear. the verb "transferring" suggests a situation is unfolding. as a result, you're effectively saying that you found your writing unsatisfying while transferring. but it was after you arrived that you experienced dissatisfaction, right?
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The structure of this class brought passion into my writing,
can you explain how? it's always better to show than simply to tell.
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were asked
another passive construction, the third to appear in this paragraph. moments like this make your writing much wordier and, consequently, harder to read.
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My freshman year of college I attended San Diego State University where I was able to get really comfortable with my writing style.
before coming to USC, i attended San Diego State for one year. there, i quickly grew comfortable with my writing style.
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really
unnecessary modifier
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From analytical essays to research papers, each piece exemplifies my growth and exploration as a writer.
okay, this is infinitely better.
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Understanding that the history of my writing intertwines with my environments and different expectations is shown through every new prompt that has been assigned.
unclear. so, you're saying that:
every prompt you've been assigned in college shows how your writing history intertwines with your environments and different expectations?
how? this sentence makes my brain hurt.
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Entering college marked a transformative chapter in my academic journey, a phase characterized not only by the acquisition of knowledge but also by a profound evolution in my writing experience.
is this really the tone you would use writing an autobiographical reflection geared toward undergraduates a bit younger than you?
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dimensions that form
the dimensions that form in what?
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When reflecting on my writing history I am able to point out the assignments that were crucial to my growth as a writer.
don't you think this is a throw away sentence? it sounds good, but doesn't say anything that isn't already fairly obvious.
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ethandilgard.substack.com ethandilgard.substack.com
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The text also disputes the contention made by Erika Lee and Hugh Davis Graham that the demographic shift seen among the immigrant population was an unintentional outgrowth of the Hart-Celler Act by citing the opinions of members of Congress found in Chin and Villazoe’s work.
Good. So, would you say you're taking a fundamentally pro-immigration stance? Would you situated yourself among scholars and commentators who look in some way to expand up Hart-Cellar?
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The argument made by the text aligns itself with the opinion of Gabriel Chin and Rose Villazoe in The Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965: Legislating a New America,
Good, although it's your argument, not the text's.
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is supported throughout by historical information/data
awkward phrasing
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Professional Immigration and Changing Lines of Inclusion in Immigration Law.
Use italics for books, newspapers, magazines, films, etc.
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Now, I am here today, engaging in another genre of composition that has served as a learning experience.
This paragraph feels tacked on and disconnected from the collaborative work that seems emerges as important in the previous two paragraph.
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He understood and adjusted my grade accordingly. This collaborative situation differed from my experience with WP2 in WRIT-150 as it was negative
Contrast between working with teachers and with classmates.
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Gentefication’ in the Barrio: Examining the Relationship Between Gentrification and Homicide in Los Angeles
A book? Why whom? Why this choice?
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my minor, Human Security and Geospatial Intelligence, and took my
Too much "my": I decided to major in ... I took classes such as M&SP to become more familiar with ...
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fter producing something resembling a final draft, I decided to take my first (and last) trip to the USC Writing Center. I appreciated the counselor’s effort, but I
New paragraph
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the classes dedicated to peer review yielded few constructive recommendations due to most people wanting to take advantage of the opportunity to leave class early.
Lol
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For example,
New paragraph
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gave us discretion as to the topics we focused on within this domain.
wordy. watch those prepositions.
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prose.
You've packed way too much information into one paragraph. Much of what you introduce here could yield more sustained description and analysis.
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The class presented
awkward verb. maybe try: The first writing assignment I received in college was a 5-7 essay on ...
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Upon arriving at USC in January 2022, I took my first Political Science course,
A bit too similar to the beginning of the previous paragraph. This reads like a second introduction. You could have simply started here.
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.
There's a fair amount of meta-discourse in these last two sentences.
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The following is a reflection on a representative sample of these compositions, where I examine my experience producing each piece and consider its overall impact on me as a writer.
You're accustomed to writing a thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. But you're not saddled with that burden in autobiographical reflection.
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While this expectation has come to fruition, I never foresaw the learning curve and collaboration that has come with college-level writing.
Sometimes it seems like you're reaching for a overly formal tone, using complicated phrasing to say relatively simply things. This makes you appear to be trying too hard.
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humanities
political science is a social science; it's not part of the humanities.
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When I selected Political Science as my major on my application for the University of Southern California, I anticipated a large portion of the curriculum would be geared toward composing various argumentative/research papers concerning political theory and historical/current events.
This sentence reveals much about your writing and helps identify much of what you'll want to focus on improving this semester. You have a someone roundabout way of expressing yourself due to wordiness and some clumsy phrasing.
As an incoming political science major at USC, I assumed the curriculum would require me to write multiple academic papers on political theory, history, and current events.
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- Dec 2023
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jakeoswald.substack.com jakeoswald.substack.com
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Further thought
Who should do this thinking?
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dvocate more funding for developing public transportation.
Who should do this advocating? How should CA attract FTA funding for TOD?
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lucaemerson.substack.com lucaemerson.substack.comWP45
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policymakers
what kind of policy makers?
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I wanted to address policy makers specifically, as opposed to the broader, more inclusive audience I targeted in WP3.
Then why not look into the conventions of the genre?
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WP3
which was an example of what genre?
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It does this through argumentation, with the development of a thesis which I support with data, reasoning, and counterarguments.
which makes this, in essence, an argumentative essay
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policy brief
addressed to?
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- Nov 2023
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sofiarodrigueztoymil.substack.com sofiarodrigueztoymil.substack.com
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groundedness
what do you mean by grounded? what makes something grounded
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upon
through
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The Teenage Sex Comedy,
You might be veering to close to film analysis here
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[1],
embed hyperlinks into text
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teenage sex comedies
ah
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its canon
what canon is that?
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with the quintessential conquest of
replace with "by"
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legal
legally? or, "where the characters are under 18"
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jamescoomber.substack.com jamescoomber.substack.com
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deceive young people by telling them they will gain energy and focus because that’s what is being advertised
are these false promises?
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RedBull even prints on their cans that their energy drinks are appreciated by world class athletes, professionals, college students, and travelers.
a false claim?
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The beauty of this genre is that anyone with a remote interest in the topic can click on the link and read the article
yes, provided they find it. where would readers find your article?
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which is the biggest reason that I chose to write using this genre
sure, but where? what kind of site? what kind of audience?
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Online articles
a website or online magazine or newspaper?
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informative and persuasive online article.
what is this, exactly? can you give an example?
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granting
word choice. try: providing
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with
cut
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they
cut
-
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jorgeontivwrites340.substack.com jorgeontivwrites340.substack.com
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red moon, an entity that exerts control over the capricious tides of love,
how do you know this?
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very reminiscent of Sade’s hits and pays homage to the vocal legend.
can you elaborate?
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her music.
This point, too, is deeply underdeveloped
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Her second single
From this album?
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ability to connect with her audience on a deep emotional level is evident in the widespread acclaim her music has received
how exactly is popularity an index of emotional connection?
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receive a feature from SZA
what do you mean "receive a feature"?
-
further highlighting Uchis' exploration of her Latin roots.
underdeveloped. how does her use of astrology dovetail with her exploration of her Latin roots?
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The lead single “I Wish you Roses” transitions smoothly from the opening tracking position the tracks as a duo and leading up to some of the main albums theming of relationships through each stage
not sure what's going on here
-
“I
clarify that you're moving back to Red Moon in Venus
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Uchis
provide full name first, then last name thereafter
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With the days getting shorter and temperatures descending
Are you referring seasonal change here?
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It’s been a hazy last couple of months
Not sure about this. What are you referring to?
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monicakosmos.substack.com monicakosmos.substack.com
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Tanjiro and Nezuko
will readers know these characters
-
One of the most popular anime series airing today,
The hugely popular anime series Demon Slayer has captivated viewers around the world with its stunning animation and action choreography. Fans of the show will rejoice knowing that its recently released third season largely lives up to the standard set by previous seasons. As always, the character design, animation, fight sequences, and sound design are beautifully executed. While undoubtedly binge-worthy, the new season does leave some aspects of the story underdeveloped.
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individuality.
sometimes this piece appears written for fans of the show as opposed to a general audience
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The final battle of season 2: the Entertainment District Arc stretched Tanjiro, Nezuko, Inosuke, Zenitsu, and Sound Hashira Tengen to their limits as they struggled to defeat Upper Six. Their victory over Upper Six marked a turning point in the war between the demons and swordsmen, for this was the first time in centuries that an upper rank demon had been slain. In the devastating aftermath of the battle, Tengen retires as a Hashira, hinting that young Tanjiro will eventually replace him.
Condense
-
This season is adapted from the Swordsmith Village Arc of Koyoharu Gotouge’s manga
Cut
-
Three of the demon slayers are spotlighted using flashback sequences, but neither of the upper rank demons are developed as characters.
are spotlighted = a bit awkward
-
skillfull
the animation team ...
-
The character design and animation, credited to the talented animation team,
Cut
-
Hashira
will readers know what this is?
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Demon Slayer
italics
-
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arshiaparvaz340.substack.com arshiaparvaz340.substack.com
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Writing Project 3Arshia Parvaz Writ 340 - Tomkins November 2, 2023
Maybe give your piece a proper title; give readers a sense of what you're piece is about. Something like:
Commercial Real Estate Is Down (But Not Out)
-
Real Estate
maybe specify commercial real estate?
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Numerous factors explain how and why real estate has reached such lows. This informative essay will aim to explain the different events that brought us here today with real estate, how the market reacted to these events, and what to expect looking forward.
You could cut this, as it doesn't really tell the readers anything. A solid title would do this work more effectively
-
the first quarter of 2022 was about 9%,
did you use this source for all the stats in this paragraph?
-
his industry
which industry? real estate?
-
However, hospitality and leisure have recovered the most after the pandemic, contributing to the most job growth; accounting for 1 in 4 new jobs in the United States.
citation
-
were put on
came to
-
Well, how might unemployment affect commercial real estate prices?
cut
-
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thomascolglazier.substack.com thomascolglazier.substack.com
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Fans of the Dragonball
why single out Dragonball?
-
by a landslide
considerably
-
for example.
your review is veering away from evaluation toward analysis
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Before I explain how they did this, I’ll provide some brief exposition for those unfamiliar with the series.
awkward metadiscourse
-
season one.)
this section is oddly placed, in part because it disrupts the flow established in the previous section. consider condensing and placing before "anime to live-action" section
-
,
no comma needed
-
sets
embarks
-
simple; They
... simple: they ...
-
Even Netflix, despite undeniable success with their work on One Piece, produced a critically “awful” adaptation of the popular anime Death Note.
elaborate, if only by providing a citation
-
media
punctuation
-
Rotten Tomatoes
provided a hyperlink citation
-
One Piece’s
cut
-
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jeremiorlowski.substack.com jeremiorlowski.substack.comWP36
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live in
is the appeal to current college attendees important? does the show seem explicitly geared toward this audience?
-
,
no comma
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My personal experience at USC has been amazing and has largely validated the college’s claims of excellency and inclusivity, but no doubt my experience is not universal to all students or all colleges.
who is this review for?
-
me
maybe too much emphasis on your experience as a viewer; maintain a bit more objectivity
-
Despite a radically different yet equally compelling superpowered protagonist (Marie) and the contrasting setting of a college campus, Gen V maintains tonal consistency with The Boys,
consider transposing clauses; begin with the familiar
-
unrivalled bravery as well as satirical extravagance.
a bit much?
-
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nukmoore.substack.com nukmoore.substack.com
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For fans of the video game
is this who you're writing to?
-
cultural event that inspired the creation of this wor
do you mean the pandemic?
-
In conclusion,
cut
-
A Post-Apocalyptic Ode to Humanity
the section appears to be about performances, but you wouldn't know it from the subheading
-
origins.
this paragraph has a general emphasis that doesn't speak to the shows origins in the video game world
-
The production's musical score, composed by Gustavo Santaolalla
jarring transition
-
the genre
do you mean horror or zombie genre? of video games?
-
Adaptations tend to fall short of expectations.
cut
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I contend
i would advise keeping yourself out of it; try to maintain objectivity
-
The genius
maybe gives too much away about your bias
-
As a consumer of both the video game and the series, this review delves into the merits and shortcomings of this recent work of art, assessing it within the context of the artist's previous works, the genre of video game adaptations, and the cultural expectations surrounding this monumental project. The journey into this apocalyptic landscape is one of hope, despair, and profound humanity.
just launch into the review. there's no need to tell readers what you're going to do; just do it
-
on the brink of ruin
on the brink? it seems pretty ruined already, don't you think?
-
In a world swarming with dystopian tales and zombie apocalypses
clarify: you're talking about the tv, movie, and video game content
-
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montyhughes.substack.com montyhughes.substack.com
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And I think we need to change a hell of a lot about our discourse as Democrats if we expect to overcome the Southern Strategy and build new, winning coalitions
what this piece lacks is data. give readers a sense of how close Ring's race was in 2018 and also how things have gone since (2020 and 2022) in local elections. also, do you have data showing that Ring's strong showing at the polls does indeed correlate to her focus on concrete issues that impact the daily lives of Coastal Georgians? maybe look for polling data that confirms the connection.
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jordanrenvillewrit340.substack.com jordanrenvillewrit340.substack.com
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How to Shift Your Point of ViewAn Exploration of the Nuances Found Within Photojournalism
how does this piece fulfill the expectations of the assignment?
-
October 7th when a barrage of missiles rained down on Jerusalem, Israel.
not really an accurate description of what happened
-
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colemcmahon.substack.com colemcmahon.substack.comWP320
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This creates a sense of urgency and intimacy with readers which I clearly do by stating “If you are or have loved ones a part of these media induced statistics, you deserve to know what is happening”.
right. but a bit more of this is needed
-
depend on it.
this piece reads a lot like an argumentative essay rather than an open letter making an argument and a call to action. a more direct plea (direct address - second person) to those vaping or those who know people of who vape might have been more affect.
-
The New England Journal of Medicine has an academic article discussing the association vaping may have with other risky behaviors
An article in the New England Journal of Medicine links vaping with other risky behaviors
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admiral
admirable
-
wouldn’t dare mention
or, it may be that the artist is unaware
-
BMC Public Health
replace with: ... Professor of Environmental Medicine, Kayla Rae Farrell ...
-
academic
cut
-
Let’s talk about music. When doing so it’s almost impossible to not bring up Drake, a record-breaking artist with streaks on almost every chart across the globe. His mastery of lyrics, wordplay, and storytelling has solidified him as one of the best hip-hop artists ever and an icon in the eyes of the younger generation. While Drake’s music has benefited so many lives, some of his lyrics only add to our problem.
Cut
Replace with something like: References to vaping also appear in popular music where artists such as Drake romanticize the practice.
-
,
colon
-
Huberman
Take a brief moment to explain who Huberman is and why his view matters
-
, tendency
New sentence: The tendency ...
-
youths
youth's
-
.
no need for double punctuation
-
a
cut
-
While many good things can come from the app, that is not what I am here to talk about.
unnecessary metadiscourse
-
(Search Engine Journal)
what does this citation correspond to?
-
If you are or have loved ones a part of these media induced statistics, you deserve to know what is happening.
If you or a loved one are among these users, you deserve to know what is happening.
-
a
cut
-
Evidence will also be examined to unravel
i will also examine evidence that unravels ...
-
,
cut
-
-
dylanbeck.substack.com dylanbeck.substack.com
-
Regardless, I my love for the adaptogen remains sound.
maybe add a paragraph wrapping up your thoughts. also, while the products you discuss are celery juice, mudwtr, and ashwagandha, your opening promising something more expansive
-
in
into
-
however
start new sentence
-
As expected,
why expected?
-
of their services
cut
-
touched
dipped
-
Considering their capacity for content to become instantaneously viral, modern platforms such as Instagram Reels and TikTok only perpetuate these often inaccessible modes of wellness by providing them with an unprecedented platform to reach audiences at an exponential rate.
circular. edit for concision
-
-
edenzoghi.substack.com edenzoghi.substack.com
-
fear the most.
i would advise seeking out and incorporating more evidence about voters driving our troubled politics. maybe check out Ezra Klein's book Why We're Polarized as well as commentators like Jonathan V. Last who have written and spoken (on podcasts) about the problem of voters seeking solutions without having a firm grasp on the issues
-
In the Nixon-Kennedy Presidential debates, for example, millions of Americans were influenced to favor John F Kennedy because his campaign team recognized the value of styling his appearance before appearing on television, something that Richard Nixon did not consider
Not sure this example quite works. Yes, campaigns could exploited televised debates, but media consumption in the 1960s looked a lot different than it does now: far fewer networks and news sources
-
this
to what does "this" refer?
-
they are responsible
and "they" are?
-
Donald Trump and before him, Barack Obama
incite the mass to do what?
-
country has long suggested
what do you mean "the country" has?
-
First and foremost, it is important to mention the fact that
unnecessary meta-discourse
-
social media
you might want to acknowledge content moderation (or lack thereof) and algorithmic distribution of (mis)information. but yes, voters seem to desire certain kinds of political actors and actions
-
I focused primarily on objective readers who were aware of current affairs and the state of political discourse in the US today but didn’t have strong allegiances themselves
but by writing a college essay you've limited your audience to a professor and perhaps a few classmates. you can take argumentation into other genres, such as magazine articles, op eds, etc.
-
-
svarashah.substack.com svarashah.substack.com
-
The Joint
very jarring transition
-
The Blueprint
developed by? distributed by? overseen by?
-
Instead, I would publish this in a scientific news publisher like
on a website like
-
the incorporation of cultural competence in the healthcare field has been criticized for generalizing the health needs for racial and ethnic communities and overlooking factors that result in health disparities within cultural minorities
this reads like a thesis, potentially setting up an argument about how "cultural competence" hasn't solved all the problems associated with acknowledging cultural difference in health care
if you don't aim to develop this point further, why bring it up-- especially at the beginning of your piece?
-