This review differed from the standard format as I chose to focus on how the movie interacted with Orientalism, instead of performing an independent review. For this reason, my review concentrates exclusively on Orientalism as a subcategory of thematic content
This make it more of a film analysis, which is of course fine
prequel
not really a prequel, just the first have of the adaption
The polic
Another new paragraph
amount of players
NUMBER of players / dogs / movies / students
AMOUNT of water / rice / cheese
When
new paragraph
showcase my strengths
what strengths are those?
whole new side of the topic
which was?
medical trust fund
who's they? one fund administered by the federal government? the NCAA? individual universities?
I believe
unnecessary metadiscourse
to pay for four year
what about the remaining four years?
recommendations
who's sponsoring the bill? who wrote it?
;
use a colon here
NIL
existing NIL legislation
balance their schedule.
explain what this has to do with their "schedule"
I believe
cut metadiscourse
,
no comma needed
the lack of regulation regarding these policies have created many problems
the lack of regulation HAS created many problems
people
add citation (maybe more than one)
Chair of Commerce Committee
clarify: senator from washington state
committee on commerce, science, and transportation
What we once knew Afrobeats to be will never be again, it will continue to change like every genre in music. But I think that stems from how some Afrobeats artists view the genre and the thought that they're boxed into one sound and can’t deviate from that. I believe Afrobeats is the umbrella to music coming out of West Africa, and other “Afro” inspired genres then come out of it.
Main Point? So, are you saying that afrobeats is changing because afrobeats artists want it to and that it's NOT a matter of gentrification?
I think this topic is so important and continues to happen
awkward. the topic continues to happen?
, they are overrun and changed
run-on
Audiences blog posts can pertain to is vast.
Blog posts can appeal to a vast audience
, using words or phrases like
no commas
newspaper article
newspaper articles mainly report facts, though, right? your piece seem interested in making an argument
This is something I see happening all the time in America, for a foreign artist to be taken seriously in America, they have to cater to the American ear in some way
is this the same article the gentrification video makes?
.” or “I love Rema now.”
punctuation
“Calm Down” by Rema feat. Selena Gomez is one of the best examples of the craze the genre has right now.
yeah, this song is everywhere right now
He listened to a lot of Congolese music, like O.K Jazz, their music has an old-timey feel to it.
run-on sentence
(https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT86wFRVv/)
you can remove the url since you've already embedded the tiktok
;
incorrect usage of semi-colon
My capstone project is centered around this topic, so it has been on my mind for a while. I wanted to look at it through a commentary lens, which drove me to focus on it within this piece.
metadiscourse. doesn't seem necessary
-
use a dash, not a hyphen
fidelity is a choice and it’s controlled by different levels of creative liberty exercised.
does this claim pass the question "so what"?
My blog post is discussing this question, so I think I’m using it to address such a (even mildly) film-related audience that is still relatively wid
i'm still left asking the question why this film and why now?
I don’t have to reveal my point
yes, but none of this justifies the inclusion of your opening remarks which seem unnecessary
Se, Jie (色，戒) is a short story by Eileen Chang with the first manuscript written in about 1950 but was not published until 1978
you could have started here. but even then you'd need to explain why you've chosen to discuss a film from 2007. why talk about this film now?
As we see so far
you've spent considerable time establishing that the figures mentioned -- none of them particularly well known -- have divergent opinions regarding adaptions. why? why?
An Indian executive editor
what does his ethnicity have to do with your subject matter?
WRIT 340Jiuqiao XiaoWP3
unnecessary. but it would be nice to know what genre you're working in
Fictions
Novels?
Hunger Games: Catching Fire
the film or the book? also, add italics
“Happy by Pharrell Williams,” “Counting Stars by OneRepublic,” and an honorable mention, “Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey.”
put song titles only in quotes (no need to add artists)
lthough we live different lives, we are connected by a common memory
nice. very effective paragraph, overall
So where am I going with this, you may ask? Well, I want to first clarify that everyone’s nostalgic memories are different and unique
metadiscourse. not sure you need it
in the early days, it was considered a psychological disorder
you REALLY need a source for this claim
I made sure that my writing wasn’t condescending or that I was above them. I wanted to create a space where we are equal and that because I am the writer, I know more things than you and that I know things you don’t
wordy because of "to be," but also, a bit contradictory
as a fellow 2002 kid to another 2002 kid
... as one 2002 kid to another
very
word economy: delete meaningless modifiers
, oh and some hyperlinks sprinkled in there.
nice personal touch. but keep it grammatical:
... from my writing-- oh, and added some hyperlinks here and there.
be
Too much "to be" -- over-reliance on the linking verb "to be" remains an issue in your writing
digital diaries
nice
Many Russians lack personal memories related to the Ukraine war because they are still so far removed from the reality of the conflict. White nationalists lack personal memories of discrimination because they will never feel the systematic impacts of racism and remove themselves from reality writ large.
Not so much a tug-of-war as a trend among despots (or would-be despots) to curate memorials to support their agenda
tug-of-war
how is this a tug-of-war, exactly? russia's pulling one end of the rope-- who's pulling the other?
he sits as a reminder of what horrible things could be done to you
but by whom? the russian government?
average Russian receives so little information from the outside world that the state media and presence in their lives is all they have to base their beliefs upon.
source?
Putin is thus making sure that the Russian people believe that Ukrainians are the true fascists despite adopting fascistic policies himself
And how does erecting a statue of Derzhinsky help him do this?
Putin has created a false equivalency between the defeat of Nazism and the defeat of Ukrainians
source?
muddle the boundary between the past and the present
for whom?
bad.
Where's all this going? I thought we were talking about the new Derzhinsky monument
Visual symbols like monuments
There's a lot of background here about monuments, which seems odd because 1) you haven't discussed the extent to which the Dzerzhinsky monument has caused controversy in Russia, and 2) this discourse obviously resonates with recent monument controversies in the US, which you have yet to mention specifically
Before we dig into these questions, we must understand why statues can be dangerous when harnessed as symbols. At their best, physical monuments have the potential to inspire people or heal collective trauma. But at their worst, they are caricatures of history, portraying people or events that should not be glorified.
i'm not convinced you need this info. but either way, it seems odd-- given that you seem to be writing for US readers-- to avoid mentioning the various statue controversies in our recent past
we grapple with our own history
good place for a hyperlink. to what are you referring specifically?
Think Piece
a thought-provoking piece that uses opinion and analysis
.
i don't disagree that you've written the piece in an accessible manner. but your analysis, it seems to me, has more sophisticated ambitions than your reflection suggests
I also saw an opportunity to subvert common conventions by making the post more important
right, so much so that the piece doesn't really seem focused on the recipe. that's fine, of course. analyzing the decpictions of food and food consumption in studio ghibli films isn't uninteresting, but the emphasis here does make the recipe seem like an after thought
.
citations look great
Recipe
it takes a while to get to this point. so long, in fact, i'm not sure you can justify the title you use above. this piece seems more focused on describing and speculating about the depiction of food in studio ghibli films
Also, since the food is meant to have such a strong impact, it wouldn’t be surprising if the animators took a little extra time to find the perfect designs
but is they why studio ghibli films takes such care in how they represent food? or is the real emphasis the characters and how they interact with food?
Washoku:
what exactly does this word mean?
We, as the audience, know
the audience knows
which is how deeply Studio Ghibli invests in each food scene in their films
Maybe discuss WHY studio ghibli aims for represent japanese good as accurately as possible
washuko has intense cultural and political importance
what is it?
‘aesthetic.’
why in quotes (especially single quotes)?
attempted to establish a certification system for authentic Japanese cuisine prepared abroad.
add an additional sentence explaining that the Japan's ministry of agriculture sent agents out worldwide to critique suhsi preparation. i would also explain why they wished to ensure the use of traditional techniques
–
just start a new sentence
As the cuisine has spread its influence
as the cuisine's influence has spread
As a college student in Los Angeles, the amount of ramen in my friends’ cupboards borders on concerning. In upscale and home environments, Japanese food has (deliberately) gained a positive reputation worldwide.
odd transition. the paragraph lacks cohesion
We can see the influence of “gastrodiplomacy” in our everyday life: when I go home to my parents’ house for the holidays, sushi often ranks high on our list of options for a ‘fancy’ celebratory meal
neither term warrants quotation marks unless you're quoting someone
Two important sources of Japanese soft power are anime and food; therefore, through no fault of our own, we are politically predisposed to find animated Japanese food appealing.
why italicized?
“Well, of course not,” you might be thinking. “It’s movie magic!”
it's animation. is that movie magic?
What makes Studio Ghibli food look so mouth-wateringly delicious
does it though? the bowl of ramen above looks pretty good, but i'm less attracted to the carnivores delight featured in the photo from spirited away
Recipe: How to Make the Animated Ramen from Ponyo in Real Life
cool idea
Cookbooks, museum exhibits, video essays, TikTok trend
i would advise hyperlinking to examples of these things. otherwise, you're just telling us that they exist
for the player, this person is Joel
Players exist to keep safe the character they control. Players are trying to keep Joel alive. Then, narratively, Ellie does the same thing. Players keep Joel alive so he can save Ellie, then, when game play shifts from Joel to Ellie, players try to keep Ellie alive to keep Joel alive to keep Ellie alive. This is something ONLY the video game can do-- these are its "bones"
actor.
consider adding a few words on the absence of process analysis in this essay. you've been asked to analyze the process you employ to prepare for role. but you fell ill-equipped to answer this question due to limited experience. if you lack a process because you haven't had a chance to develop one, take that on directly and discuss, perhaps, what your gut tells you. do you see yourself having multiple processes?
In my acting class, we had to choose an excerpt from a piece of media we felt connected to. I chose the church confession scene from the show Fleabag, which is quite honest.
is the honesty the source of your connection?
Nonetheless, even with my short experience in the field, I believe an actor actively tries to be in touch with themselves and practice their craft in every way they can.
Nonetheless, despite my limited experience in the field, I believe actors strive to remain in touch with themselves while practicing their craft any way they can.
(clearer, but the meaning remains iffy)
Throughout this reflection on my relatively fresh and ongoing journey as an actor, you’ll notice I switch between calling myself an actor and then retracting by saying I am working towards being an actor.
maybe clarify that it's for this reason that analyzing artistic process proves difficult? you're in the process of finding a process
I got grouped with the gifted students in elementary and middle school, and my teachers drilled into my head that I was to become a doctor and attend Harvard University.
New paragraph maybe? Not sure the hard pivot from film to family/college is the smoothest option
when I reflected on my love for cinema
to my love for cinema
had dabbled in other artistic fields
such as?
It
to what does it refer?
In my current acting class, this book has made its way back to me, and reading it at this point in my life, now in my first year of seriously acting, I realize how hard it is to stay on the track of determination.
Choppy.
Smith's book has made its way back to me in an acting class I'm taking currently. Reading it now, I realize how hard it is to stay on the track of determination.
What do you mean by the track of determination?
and now, I attend the University of Southern California and am striving to become an actor.
This makes it sound like USC is a step down or an un-serious place
detach myself from
ignore
do it
add comma
the sudden realization that my chances of fulfilling these standards were low hit me
I suddenly realized that my chances of fulfilling these standards were low
fed into
what do you mean by "fed into"?
I am only a young actor, but I feel like that happens rarely, and when it does, it’s metaphysical.
This point relates a bit to your closing paragraph. It begs the question, as I point out below, how much of the process you describe her would be available/useful to you when preparing for other roles
Thus, connecting this to Laura Fine’s work,
I came to Fine's work first through Chekhov and then through White. In preparing to play Judas's grieving mother, I drew heavily upon Fine's chakra work during warm-ups.
Michael Chekhov
Awkward. Maybe say:
In his seminal text, On the Technique of Acting, Michael Chekhov wrote of the "indescribable ...
This
Clarify to what does "this" refers: Attempting to tap into a higher power in this way works for me because ...
I
Rather, I ...
I
Add reference to establish cohesion:
By higher power I don't mean white-bearded God
Opening a 120-minute show
I'm not sure you've made explicitly clear where you monologue happens in the show. I know, because I saw it, but will readers?
Even after the play has closed, even in the silence of my empty apartment, it is a sacred honor to commemorate them.
It might be interesting to expand on this a bit, as surely not every acting job carries this much weight or resonates this much with the performer. How does the process of preparing to play Judas's mother differ (if i does) from playing another less sympathetic character? What might you change, if anything?
comprised
which she argues consists ...
yet it is a fact
do we know she was alive at the time of these events?
,
no comma
Again,
have you said this before?
40 days
explain why 40 days
to
into
: I
use a comma
Through this system, actors discover how to put in motion the vast field of power that lives in the electromagnetic realm of existence upon which the chakra energy centers reside. Utilizing skills that open the chakras provides the chemistry to consistently create peak performances.”[2]
block quote
elaborates
word choice. try: insists
elaborated
elaborates (always discuss texts in the present tense)
This monologue
Is your character's dialogue written in Spanish in the original play? Or was this a directorial choice?
As I can inopportunely confirm by the lateness of this essay
keep in mind the specific contours of the assignment: you're at least pretending that you're not writing for me, but for a publication appealing to other actors of readers interested in acting and theatre
other side of the world
Puerto Rico? Just south of the Tropic of Cancer? Is it really the other side of the world?
the impossibility in Puerto Rican logic to travel 3,000 miles
a bit awkward. maybe "inconceivability" would work better:
... the inconceivability, according to Puerto Rican logic, of traveling 3,000 miles to see a "theater play"
theater play
should this be in quotes? is it something a family member said? otherwise, why italicized?
Is that failure, conflict, drama, or all of them combined
hard to say without knowing more
Yet what happens when the person who needs to hear your voice the most can’t access a seat in the theater?
a bit confusing. was the show sold out? was the person disabled and couldn't gain access do to out-of-date entry protocols?
The article’s main argument is that second hand smoke and vaping are associated with mental health disorders including depression. This was tested through an experiment that proved individuals exposed to second hand vape emissions were associated with mental health issues.
too much "to be" (creating unnecessary wordiness)
The authors examine the association between vaping and second hand smoke and mental health disorders.
Magdalene laundries run by the Roman Catholic Church.
An extraordinary history here. The Documentary, Sex in a Cold Climate, is good place to begin.
“Troy”
"Troy" references W.B. Yeats's "No Second Troy" and directs its anger at O'Connor's deeply abusive mother
My first read of a script will always include my director notes in the margins and creating a mood board after that can communicate the feeling and general aesthetic I’m trying to capture
phrasing:
The first time I read a script, I add directoral notes in the margins. Later, I'll refer to those notes when creating a mood board where I explore ways to communicate the feeling and general aesthetic I’m trying to capture
We started production by recording our final scene and build the story from there.
phrasing:
We started production by recording the final scene and built the story for the film from there.
ocation for this project took place
does a location "take place"?
Alike Baker casting for his past films through Instagram,
Like Baker, who used Instagram to cast his previous films ...
Throughout pre-production
add comma
Before any film I work on, no matter how large my role is, I always give a listen to the song Movies by Weyes Blood to help inspire me.
phrasing:
Before working on a film, I listen to Weyes Blood's song "Movies" for inspiration.
Before jumping into pre-production involves all the meticulous planning that lifts the film off its feet and hiring people interested.
phrasing
the discourse that there already is
the existing discourse
As a
new paragraph
centered around
how can one center around something?
The article
Look for ways to cut down on repetition
The main ideas of this article centered around the fact that because local newspapers are going out of business, more people are only getting their news from the national media.
This article focuses on the fact that because local newspapers are going out of business, more people get their news from the national media.
Gave two good stories of small-town newspapers doing all they can to keep putting out content and trying to give the people of their area good reporting
Not a complete sentence
This video was a deep dive into what challenges small, local newspapers face
This video carefully examines the challenges faced by local newspapers.
This report summarized the findings from a study that showed the patterns in how often people get their news from social media.
This report summarizes the findings of a study on the ways people increasingly look to social media for news.
Roll Call
website? magazine? journal?
Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc.
&
?
discussed
discuss texts uses the present tense
Fortune,
cut
selection
what drives topic selection?
showcased the power of storytelling
how? storytelling doesn't necessarily involved airing grievances or describing events from one's life
gendered aspect of media scrutiny, suggesting that female celebrities like Swift may face a different kind of scrutiny
probably more to touch on here
about
cut
and structurally
cut
.
takeaways: diverse selection of sources, citations contain only minor errors; objective annotations useful for researchers generally; minor phrasing issues
on a study that employed computational methods to analyze how the humanities are portrayed in U.S. journalism.
This article explores how the U.S. media portrays the humanities, drawing data from computational methods applied by ...
journal
article
Key evidence in the book is insight on the historical development of the concept of public opinion
phrasing (is insight evidence?):
Key evidence in the book is insight on the historical development of the concept of public opinion ...
Maybe say: The book examines the development of public opinion over time ...
conduit
word choice. a conduit moves something from point a to point b. you could say, the media serves as a conduit, delivering information about current events to the public
The purpose of this book is to highlight
This book highlights ...
It determines how factors like age, education, living area, and political ideology, as well as national macro-variables like economic development and media freedom, impact the strength of these effects.
Not sure you need this sentence give the information contained in the subsequent one
.
add date accessed
This research study’s purpose is to investigate
This study investigates ...
"Miss Americana"
italics
.
add date accessed
,
add url
future.
why does this annotation seem so different from the others in terms of phrasing and tone?
takeaways: diverse selection of sources; citations contain multiple errors; annotations mostly (but not always) objective; phrasing issues
expert
how will you confirm their expertise?
fetishism
word choice
aloof
word choice
contained
limited?
indulge in
word choice
biohacking
probably a good idea to define this term (to establish your understanding of it)
Although great in length, the book presents a well-rounded view of the subject
why would its length contrast with its well-roundedness?
Bill and Peter
first-name basis?
is drawn
by whom?
is explored
by whom?
the impact of acupuncture therapy on the health-related quality of life of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease patients
sprawl (long subject finally arrives at verb)
Former president of Erewhon states
awkward phrasing; sentences feels tacked-on
engage with
explore?
.
contains errors
.
contains errors
I already had the impression that energy drinks should be avoided before engaging in the discourse because they have many harmful ingredients.
phrasing: I began this project with a negative impression of energy drinks. From what I understood, they contained harmful ingredients linked to heart disease, kidney stones, and other health problems.
This sentiment is often shared amongst writers; notably, Jack Epps, writer of Top Gun and professor at USC, mentions this feeling in his book Screenwriting is Rewriting.
phrasing:
Writers often share this sentiment. Jack Epps, for instance, writer of Top Gun and professor at USC, mentions this feeling in his book Screenwriting is Rewriting.
I find what I akin to a runner’s high, a break through in the slog of the initial creative swamp writing a new book or short story brings.
I experience a feeling akin to a runner’s high or a novelist's euphoria upon emerging from the creative swamp of initial ideation.
I tend to move a little bit quicker than those aforementioned, but am no means churning out pages upon pages
phrasing. try:
I tend to move more quickly than the aforementioned authors, but by no means am I churning out pages upon pages.
how he was fascinated with the one percent’s disillusionment in his thinking up of the show
... he conceived the show, in part, based on his fascination with the disillusionment of the wealthy
ever
cut
My
The
really
word economy (delete meaningless words)
In particular,
cut
each time, hoping for a leaner, more digestible experience the next time around
each time / next time -- a bit redundant
but your imagination.
your opening concept of not knowing anything doesn't really go anywhere. in what way does it align with the stages/qualities of screenwriting your describe?
Pitching, writing,
these gerunds grammatically clash with the pure nouns in this list
my projects
clarify. are you referring to an original screenplay or a project you're helping develop?
In one of my projects based on a bestselling novel, an undercover spy wants to defeat the Nazis threatening the Spanish government.
this sentence seems tacked-on. maybe elaborate?
However,
cut
great movie that no one wants to see (e.g. The Fabelmans)
lol
marketability/resonance
not necessarily the same thing
blockbuster
or just a good film that finds and audience and makes a profit
The problem is that nobody quite knows
You said this a few times already
;
why a semi-colon?