No gig
single event?
No gig
single event?
gig
explain how you're using this term. a gig could be a place in touring band, membership in a band, or single event, etc.
playing a gig
maybe expand slightly: preparing for and play a gig
requires so many hats
wearing
I have been asked to discuss my approach to music.
You could cut this sentence
ShareI have been asked to discuss my approach to music. Because being a musician requires so many hats, I have decided to focus on the craft of playing a gig.
clarify that you're writing from the perspective of a side-man or "hired gun" as opposed to an ensemble members (anyway, I presume this is the case)
Including the primary source of Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement speech and numerous articles' exploration of innovative entrepreneurs
long subjects like this one appear a fair amount in your writing (sprawl)
The op-ed design combines the need to address both structural limitations and cultural norms impacting female entrepreneurship by calling on insights from academic research, personal accounts, and societal evaluations.
consider who you wish to write for? women with an interest in business?
unraveling
word choice?
extraversion
but perhaps not conscientiousness
Numerous articles I explored centered around this concept, and I now know these five traits provide a valuable lens for analyzing an entrepreneur's behavio
why do you think this is the case?
different personality traits females and males possess
why essentialize gender in this way? what's the rationale for doing so?
The frontier of my knowledge had yet to explore
odd subject choice. does the frontier of your knowledge have agency?
disparities in cognition between men and women
are there disparities? fundamental differences in cognitive abilities? seems problematic
my perception of this topic was limited
redundant
and the core drivers behind the gender gap in this field
why and? two separate issues or are they related?
network.
take-aways: mostly solid citations (some errors); diverse annotations; some peculiar phrasing
proportion
number
outlines steps
seeks
Somdutta
cut
.
unneeded
This article examines females' challenges, including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and societal expectations, to analyze the underrepresentation of women in entrepreneurship.
This article links women's marginalization in entrepreneurship to challenges they face including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and unfair social expectations.
tradition
is it a tradition?
Steve Jobs delivered a captivating commencement speech at Stanford in 2005, sharing personal experiences and life lessons
nice sentence
male-typed images
what's a male-typed image?
It is found
by whom?
Examining the influence of entrepreneurship program advertisements on women's intentions
Sprawl -- long subject leads to a weak linking verb
lower appeal
lower appeal to whom?
sociocultural aspects
such as?
the study challenges the biological attribution of gender disparities in risk-taking propensity
what does this mean?
organizational
in what sense?
dualities
It would help to clarify the difference, if any, between comparison and duality. Having two equal but opposed ideas, elements, features present in your work doesn't necessarily have to involve comparison.
The marbled print was made
more about this perhaps. how to you create the liquid design? how do you transfer it on to paper (or some other material)? how do you scan it?
the concept of duality was deeply explored
where and by whom?
innate or otherworldly
natural and otherworldly?
,
cut
mindfulness meditation and an artistic flow state
parallelism
I see our works in dialogue as they both contain an interest in improvisation and experimentation while utilizing water to convey messaging.
This might land for readers more effectively it you'd told them more about your own experimentation
, and
remove "and"
gave me full reign
allowed me
derivative, sparking arguments of authenticity and legal copyright infringement
considered derivative by whom? probably important to specify
... often begets questions [rather than arguments] about authenticity and copyright infringement
Within the diverse field of visual art, there are viewers, practitioners, and patrons who often make thought-provoking comparisons that stimulate debate and discourse.
phrasing (there are):
In the world of visual art, viewers, practitioners, and patrons often make thought-provoking comparisons that stimulate debate and discourse. For instance, when comparing fine art and commercial art, a practitioner might conclude that ...
, and
This is when my eureka moment occurred: I decided to compose ...
mood board
maybe elaborate on this? hyperlink to an example?
this
probably best to specify what "this" refers to
Taylor and Francis Online, 21 June 2012. https://doi.org/10.1080/10510974.2012.674618.
Cite journal not database
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10510974.2012.674618
Wood, Megan M. & Linda Baughman. "Glee Fandom and Twitter: Something New, or More of the Same Old Thing?" Communication Studies, 63:3, 328-344, DOI: 10.1080/10510974.2012.674618
As such,
misuse of "as such"
use after a noun showing your intention to consider that person, place, or thing independent of other factors
Eg. I don't mind fees as such, but Ticketmaster's application of them seems excessive.
In "as such," "such" is a pronoun, meaning it requires an antecedent
to
cut
This article
relationship between citation and annotation
Goodstein, Emma. “Here’s Why Everyone Should Watch ‘Glee.’” Distraction Magazine, 1 December 2020. https://www.distractionmagazine.com/heres-why-everyone-should-watch-glee/.
Use the following:
A Page on a Web Site
For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.
Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.
“Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.
aylor & Francis Online, 10 September 2012. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13676261.2012.718435scroll=top&needAccess=true.
Is Taylor ad Francis a database, website, or online journal?
“Ask the Developer Vol. 8, Fire Emblem Engage-Part 1,” News - Nintendo Official Site, Nintendo, 19 Jan. 2023, www.nintendo.com/whatsnew/ask-the-developer-vol-8-fire-emblem-engage-part-1/. Accessed 21 Sep. 2023.
This looks like an EasyBib citation (because it contains errors)
Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.
Use this template:
“Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.
great aid in forms of therapy. I imagine myself turning to more casual sources
this seems like an odd choice given what you're suggesting arguing.
mental health
why are these studies on mental health "scientific"?
A
New paragraph?
op ed
not sure about this choice. unless you can show correlation to a current event and/or boil your remarks down to something much more focused, you probably want to choose a genre that will allow you to stretch out more
multi-media analytical essay or an informational essay specifically about Fire Emblem
good. for what audience, and why?
As video games are stereotypically seen as harmful to people’s health-for example: the issues of the rising population of hikikomori or a rise in obesity and health issues as a result of decreased physical activity) it was interesting to discover the avenues in which video games could have a positive effect on health.
phrasing and mechanical issues
health research
interesting. but i still don't know why you're looking for connection to health sciences
Engaging with various texts led me to a narrow list of thirty four sources that stuck out to me, and I carefully read through each one until I came up with my twenty source bibliography.
good
(Nintendo), and RPG games as a whole.
and what about that?
health sciences
why must it relate to health sciences?
Fire Emblem series. Before engaging with the discourse surrounding the Fire Emblem series, I had played a few of the titles within the Fire Emblem franchise
lots of repetition
Brockmann, Andrew. “Victory Probability in the Fire Emblem Arena.” arXiv.org, Ithaca: Cornell University Library, 2018. Accessed 21 Sep. 2023.
Another EasyBib citation
Simulation & Gaming
italicize or underline book or journal titles
I used BandLab free Mixing and Mastering tool to get the result I needed.
maybe say a bit more about this
Making the Dish Sound Good
straining the metaphor
The next step that I took was to add some digital touch to create ambience and additional context for the son
Next, I add some digital touches to create ambience and additional context for the song.
it “
add article "the"
I imagine if I could combine the feeling of song X, with lyrical content of song Y, and with the tempo and instruments like in song Z.
a collage of influences?
There were also shortages of various goods and drug supplies which have historically been seamlessly imported
word economy; characters and actions
There were also shortages of various goods and drug supplies which have historically been seamlessly imported.
Dwindling numbers of workers from other EU countries has devastated the UK labor market. What's more, many previously available goods-- including some pharmaceuticals-- are now in short supply.
Op-Eds
good be a good fit. maybe consider writing about left-right political realignment vis-a-vis class in the UK and US?
However, I think I should narrow my focus to one topic, such as class, race, or immigration, rather than comparing two political climates at large
agreed
was a complex issue, sparked by ongoing
was (past) -- ongoing (present)
been present
why use the passive voice? why not say:
as a dual citizen of the US and the UK, i'm deeply concerned about the consequences of brexit?
always
always?
is a primary source recording of Theresa May’s first speech after being named Prime Minister. Her argument centers around support for the common people. It uses statistical evidence on opportunity, education, and upward mobility rates for people of varying classes.
in her first speech after becoming prime minister, theresa may uses statistical evidence to advance arguments in support of the "common people." she uses statistical evidence to show upward mobility rates for people of varying classes.
This article outlines
look for alternatives to this phrasing. try:
Pippa and Kiran examine efforts on the part of the Labour Party to amend laws brought on by Brexit that have created economic and environmental challenges.
the UK and US political landscapes
ungrammatical: This article outlines similarities between the UK and US political landscapes in terms of rhetoric and ideologies.
... the political landscapes of the US and the UK ...
OR
This article identifies the ideological and rhetorical similarities between the political landscapes of the US and the UK.
Cameron, David. “A NEW SETTLEMENT FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM IN A REFORMED EUROPEAN UNION.” Received by Donald Tusk, 10 Downing Street, 10 Nov. 2015, London.
Why caps?
A website would be more likely to reach its intended audience of Ghibli fans, since they primarily consist of online communities
in the u.s.? don't you say above that ghibli tends to appeal to educated/academic audiences in the u.s.? do you wish to reach that audience, to build a new one?
interactive website
interesting. why? who's your audience?
Two sources that stood out to me: a case study of Ponyo, and an analysis of Japanese mythological allusions in almost a dozen of Miyazaki’s films
not a complete sentence
incorporating liberal values such as feminism and environmental preservatio
do the themes addressed in miyazaki's film's create controversy?
Miyazaki and Disney's rivalry is discussed at length;
does miyazaki's reach rival disney's? what's the basis of the rivalry? do what extent does miyazaki pose a threat to disney financially?
I no longer doubt the credit ascribed to him
maybe say a bit more about what you discovered. what information did you find particularly persuasive?
Miyazaki Hayao, the mastermind behind the Studio and its unique aesthetic philosophy
placement of "its" -- seems like you're referring to Hayoa
peaceful
what's a peaceful quality?
the films’
their
local vs. national vs. international level,
would the idea be to compare results vis-a-vis enforcement?
but did not own a strong understanding of how IEL worked.
a bit vague. can you be more specific about the extent of your knowledge? what you've learned completing WP2 should help determining the extent of your previous knowledge
is so lax
who's responsibility is it?
fully wrap around i
my head around?
.
awkward phrasing
IWC
which is?
despite the raw number of laws is higher than ever
awkward phrasing
was contested,
by whom?
;
not sure about this semi-colon use
is not a simple concep
how would you write this in the affirmative?
well-consolidated
what do you mean by this?
The article requires
do you mean the reader needs this info to understand the article?
(which worked for treaty creation) in IEL
cut
Professor
cut
Climate bandwagoning occurs when agents expand a regime or treaty’s mission to include new climate goals.
The authors of this book article state that ...
their
to what does "their" refer?
Bodansky published an introductory IEL book in 2010.
cut
“Urgenda Foundation v. State of the Netherlands” climate case chart, 2015, https://climatecasechart.com/non-us-case/urgenda-foundation-v-kingdom-of-the-netherlands/
Erroneous citation (EasyBib?)
From Purdue OWL: A Page on a Web Site
For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.
Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.
USCLibraries,
unnecessary
6,
no comma needed
“Climate Change Bandwagoning: Climate Change Impacts on Global Environmental Governance: Sikina Jinnah and Alexandra Conliffe” The Roads from Rio, Chasek, Pamela and Wagner, Lynn M, editors, Routledge, 2012, pp.217-239
this citation doesn't make sense. who's the author?
template: Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection, edited by Editor's Name(s), Publisher, Year, Page range of entry.
Alec Tyson et al. “What the data says about Americans’ views of climate change” Pew Research Center,https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/08/09/what-the-data-says-about-americans-views-of-climate-change/
From Purdue OWL:
A Page on a Web Site
For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.
Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.
“Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.
Corrected citation: Tyson, Alec, et al. "What the Data Says about Americans' View of Climate Change." Pew Research Center, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/08/09/what-the-data-says-about-americans-views-of-climate-change/. Accessed 6 October 2023.
ProQuest
Unnecessary info (added by EasyBib)
Brilé Anderson et al.
Last name first; comma before et al
0
end punctuation
multi-media op-ed to develop my opinion on the future of internal Republican conflict while utilizing compelling photographs, maps, and audio to substantiate my claims.
not sure op-ed is the right genre for this. a blog (substack/medium) post might work better
picking the more racist electoral options
more racist candidates? maybe provide examples
the simplicity of the critically important theory for explaining Republican hegemony across the South
maybe just say:
its simplicity
at the lower levels
you could say:
down-ballot Republican allies
rhetorically similar
cut
I wrangled with the infamous Republican “Southern Strategy” as one of my first subjects in breaking down the Georgian political landscape.
In 2018?
temporally convenient progressive
?
USC Libraries,
unnecessary information
D’Souza, Dinesh.
at best a controversial source
her
his
Brown, Jessica Autumn. “THE NEW ‘SOUTHERN STRATEGY:’ IMMIGRATION, RACE, AND ‘WELFARE DEPENDENCY’ IN CONTEMPORARY US REPUBLICAN POLITICAL DISCOURSE.” Woodside, Vol. 8, Iss. 2, 2016, Proquest, www.proquest.com/docview/1816620303?accountid=14749&parentSessionId=gbz0%2FbmkKeqoaAFIwkIfFgfREfpZI7q6Ragiv7IwEd0%3D&pq-origsite=primo. Addleton Academic Publishers, 2016. Accessed 23 Sept. 2023.
This is a classic EasyBib citation. All caps, inclusion of unnecessary proquest material, etc.
The Washington Post
italicize or underline newspaper titles
Although NIL has created many opportunities, it has also had negative consequences on the integrity of the game and they must be addressed. In the future, I plan on writing an op-ed on this topic. I have many opinions regarding it and would love the opportunity to share more.
develop further in new paragraph
I also failed to consider the impact of NIL on women’s sports. In proposing this legislation, Sen. Skinner raised a great point, many female athletes do not have the same opportunities to go professional as men.
run on
I was not aware of the resistance from Universities to resist NIL.
confusing phrasing
hadn’t.
good opening
has raised concerns
for whom? dickert? the article's author, colton?
advocate for change in compensation and mental health
what about mental health? what's the connection?
This speaks
The last three annotations begin the same way. Look for phrasing alternatives.
scrutiny
odd word choice. maybe say:
Author Richard Borghesi examines the ethical and legal liabilities that accompany failing to compensate college football players and assesses proposed remedies such as NIL deals and salaries.
Part 1
Where are the other 8 sources?
Applied Economics
Italicize titles
.
why bold?
progressive media
Does progressive media need another voice denouncing Putin? Maybe think a bit more about your perspective as a russian-american and who might benefit most from your comments.
personal op-ed on how monuments or propaganda are used to manipulate the Russian population.
this is quite a swerve away from discussing monuments!
publicly endorsed
by whom?
One significant
good place to begin a new paragraph
remained shrouded in obscurity
to you?
persuasive.
Room for tightening:
Author Nir Eisikovits refutes the five most prevalent arguments against the removal of controversial monuments: that removal rewrites history, begets ex post facto moralizing, forecloses debate making society less healthy, fails to address real issues, and establishes precedent for future censorship. Published against the backdrop of the Black Lives Matter movement's resurgence in 2020 and the ongoing efforts to remove Confederate monuments, this article aims to persuade a broad audience about the necessity of monument removal. Its clarity and compelling arguments make it highly accessible and persuasive.
Adams, W. S. “Address at the dedication of the astronomers’ monument at the Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles, November 25, 1934.” Publications of the Astronomical Society of the Pacific, vol. 47, no. 275, 1935, pp. 11–14, DOI: 10.1086/124530.
Did you double check your formatting before clicking submit?
(Huntsville, Tex.),
why in parenthesis?
In addition to the analysis of novel-to-film adaptations, I think I’ll also talk about fidelity and creative liberty in the process of adaptation. Given the different nature of novels and films, I imagine I’d favor the latter – creative liberty – as I examine the adaptations and make a conclusion
This sounds like a lot. Also, it's clear given your bibliography You might consider building on that work by discussing why some adaptions prioritize creative liberty and what the consequences are.
unless it’s a really awful and careless adaptation
can you name an example?
and the like
awkward
.
Take-aways: primarily academic sources (why?); some phrasing issues; some citation inconsistency
– a consistency in adaptations
what does this phrase refer to?
As the evidence, it examines some unconventional edited films’ storytelling to explore the relationship between writing and editing.
Awkward phrasing:
Loftin examines the storytelling of some unconventionally edited films to explore the relationship between writing and editing.
This text discusses fidelity in film adaptations. It aims at examining the film adaptation of the lengthy novel Gone With the Wind, evidenced by comparing the two forms of the work.
Revise first two sentences:
This text compares the film adaptation of Gone with the Wind with Margaret Mitchell's novel of the same name to show that ...
Explain what the article aims to show
BULGAROVA, BELLA A.,
why all caps?
ince my information is argumentative I think I will write an analytical essay to critically think about the topic or create a multimedia piece to include the music.
definitely you'll want to include audio samples. what audience do you have in mind? knowing will help you determine what kind of analytical essay to write
With my new view on branching out within Afrobeats, I think it will be another aspect I talk about within my argument.
awkward construction
I don’t understand why they have to undermine Afrobeats as being one-tone when I think it’s the exact opposite of that.
to whom are you referring? how recent were these comments made?
it
to what does it refer?
in
that have occurred over
Growing up my dad played Afrobeats all the time, but it had an old-timey feel and almost transported you to a different time.
Growing up, my dad played Afrobeats all the time, but to me it had an old-timey feel ...
and almost transported you to a different time.
Why "you"? Do you want the reader to understand this as a negative thing?
The piece included
always discuss texts using the present tense
This political acknowledgment correlates to the musical recognition African artists are getting after the success of their music, western powers are now taking Africa seriously.
This political acknowledgment correlates to the musical recognition African artists are getting. After the success of their music, western powers are now taking Africa seriously.
3. Blinken, Anthony. “THE UNITED STATES AND AFRICA: BUILDING A 21ST CENTURY PARTNERSHIP.” Economic Community Of Western States, 19 Nov 2021, Abuja, Nigeria.
Here as well.
2. "The Rise and Legacy of Afrobeat Music From Fela Kuti to Modern Artists. AllAfrica Global Media. 2022. https://www.proquest.com/docview/2803264672?accountid=14749&parentSessionId=eZmC0fef1KvPsXWUYizcsGJM8pxzOJSCy9Ia5S%2BuZ5c%3D&pq-origsite=primo. Accessed 14 Sep. 2023.
Same problem here. As I warned repeatedly in class, bib generators ALWAYS contain errors.
1. De Witte, Marleen. “From bokoe bullying to afrobeats: Or how being African became cool in black Amsterdam. In: Locating African European Studies: Interventions, Intersections, Conversations.” edited by Felipe Espinoza Garrido, Caroline Koegler, Deborah Nyangulu, Mark U Stein, Routledge, 2019, 62-78.
This citation must have been created by EasyBib.
Proper MLA Citation of an article from an edited collection: Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection, edited by Editor's Name(s), Publisher, Year, Page range of entry.
De Witte, Marleen. “From Bokoe Bullying to Afrobeats: Or How Being African Became Cool in Black Amsterdam." Locating African European Studies: Interventions, Intersections, Conversations, edited by Felipe Espinoza Garrido, Caroline Koegler, Deborah Nyangulu, and Mark U. Stein, Routledge, 2019, 62-78.
honor, esteem and power
what kind of honor, esteem, and power?
t may also be more — a signifier of a type of white person.
What type of white person does blonde signify?
more of us vomiters out there than you think, and we have a responsibility to make life easier for those who believe that their writing habits will always hamstring them.
one aim: to recuperate the "vomit writing"
When I think back to the “beginning” of my journey as an artist, I find it, like many others, a difficult thing to define.
Like many other artists, I find it difficult to define the “beginning” of my journey as an artist.
I was a STEM kid no more.
maybe say more about your experience in STEM. a natural fit?
follow trends in filmmaking, but I have also seen creatives forge their own paths, tell their own stories - their way - and then that somehow becomes the new trend
maybe develop this contrast further, and give examples of trend-following vs. following one's own path
always
always?
I signed up to join ‘set crew’
a random swerve back to the art world
feelings of isolation,
trauma; questioning artform
interactive installation ar
maybe say more
my commitment to climbing
have you mentioned this before? climbing in what sense?
waiting for the day his photography business took off
it would be easy to gloss over this. isn't this detail more significant?
with
for
dark, but for the first time in my life, It felt like people actually needed me
how is that dark
also, "it"
Not only was my mother pushing me to get a degree In a high-earning field, but I myself was worried about the legitimacy of a career in film and photography.
phrasing. try:
My mother continued pushing me to get a degree in a high-earning field while I fretted over the wisdom of pursuing a career in film and photography.
- It
use a colon and lowercase "i"
Every time I close my eyes, it is as if my internal shutter has been closed and my lens has been cleaned, ready to capture another picture. - Based on various articles from The Atlantic
is this a direct quote?
.
more on discursive context. who other than Durkheim did you engage with and draw information from?
Another example
new paragraph
Thr
new paragraph
I then go
new paragraph
The lab report
new paragraph
These projects were assigned in class by a range of different subject
phrasing. assigned by subjects?
t that
who
seek feedback from other people around me
cool
I did not yet understand how to write college-level essays like that which my writing professor expected of me.
phrasing. try:
I did not understand how to write college-level essays
OR
I did not understand how to write the kind of essays my writing professor expected me to produce
industry
industry? or just within classical music?
Now that I’ve been exposed to the real process of writing and publishing with fewer boundaries and rules surrounding genres and language
where? in this class? or somewhere else?
James CoomberSeptember 4, 2023Writing 340Professor David TomkinsWriting Project 1
no need to include
assigned readings
what were they? elaborate in order to describe discursive context
"Katniss propels her demands while getting increasingly agitated and using a louder tone, all while towering over her listeners. Contrary to female stereotypes, which communicate subordinate status and vulnerability to trespass through a message of no threat, Katniss’ movements here are abrupt and stiff, communicating force and threat rather than flexibility and cooperation, making an actor look masculine. Katniss, in this context, demonstrates her confidence by realizing the power she holds over the rebellion, refusing to compromise with Coin. Importantly, she achieves her demands without resorting to exploiting female sexuality, a tactic that women often employ to gain protection, wealth, and the vicarious benefits of power.”
set apart as a block quote
persuasive essay
did it have an argument? if so, it aimed to persuade
The dictio
new paragraph
or broader discussions of gender norm
such as?
my lens essay
for which class?
.
wow. now that's a long paragraph