3,456 Matching Annotations
  1. Oct 2023
    1. ShareI have been asked to discuss my approach to music. Because being a musician requires so many hats, I have decided to focus on the craft of playing a gig.

      clarify that you're writing from the perspective of a side-man or "hired gun" as opposed to an ensemble members (anyway, I presume this is the case)

    1. Including the primary source of Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement speech and numerous articles' exploration of innovative entrepreneurs

      long subjects like this one appear a fair amount in your writing (sprawl)

    2. The op-ed design combines the need to address both structural limitations and cultural norms impacting female entrepreneurship by calling on insights from academic research, personal accounts, and societal evaluations.

      consider who you wish to write for? women with an interest in business?

    3. Numerous articles I explored centered around this concept, and I now know these five traits provide a valuable lens for analyzing an entrepreneur's behavio

      why do you think this is the case?

    4. This article examines females' challenges, including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and societal expectations, to analyze the underrepresentation of women in entrepreneurship.

      This article links women's marginalization in entrepreneurship to challenges they face including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and unfair social expectations.

    1. dualities

      It would help to clarify the difference, if any, between comparison and duality. Having two equal but opposed ideas, elements, features present in your work doesn't necessarily have to involve comparison.

    2. The marbled print was made

      more about this perhaps. how to you create the liquid design? how do you transfer it on to paper (or some other material)? how do you scan it?

    3. I see our works in dialogue as they both contain an interest in improvisation and experimentation while utilizing water to convey messaging.

      This might land for readers more effectively it you'd told them more about your own experimentation

    4. derivative, sparking arguments of authenticity and legal copyright infringement

      considered derivative by whom? probably important to specify

      ... often begets questions [rather than arguments] about authenticity and copyright infringement

    5. Within the diverse field of visual art, there are viewers, practitioners, and patrons who often make thought-provoking comparisons that stimulate debate and discourse.

      phrasing (there are):

      In the world of visual art, viewers, practitioners, and patrons often make thought-provoking comparisons that stimulate debate and discourse. For instance, when comparing fine art and commercial art, a practitioner might conclude that ...

    1. As such,

      misuse of "as such"

      use after a noun showing your intention to consider that person, place, or thing independent of other factors

      Eg. I don't mind fees as such, but Ticketmaster's application of them seems excessive.

      In "as such," "such" is a pronoun, meaning it requires an antecedent

    2. Goodstein, Emma. “Here’s Why Everyone Should Watch ‘Glee.’” Distraction Magazine, 1 December 2020. https://www.distractionmagazine.com/heres-why-everyone-should-watch-glee/.

      Use the following:

      A Page on a Web Site

      For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.

      Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.

      “Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.

    3. aylor & Francis Online, 10 September 2012. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/13676261.2012.718435scroll=top&needAccess=true.

      Is Taylor ad Francis a database, website, or online journal?

    1. “Ask the Developer Vol. 8, Fire Emblem Engage-Part 1,” News - Nintendo Official Site, Nintendo, 19 Jan. 2023, www.nintendo.com/whatsnew/ask-the-developer-vol-8-fire-emblem-engage-part-1/. Accessed 21 Sep. 2023.

      This looks like an EasyBib citation (because it contains errors)

      Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.

      Use this template:

      “Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.

    2. op ed

      not sure about this choice. unless you can show correlation to a current event and/or boil your remarks down to something much more focused, you probably want to choose a genre that will allow you to stretch out more

    3. As video games are stereotypically seen as harmful to people’s health-for example: the issues of the rising population of  hikikomori or a rise in obesity and health issues as a result of decreased physical activity) it was interesting to discover the avenues in which video games could have a positive effect on health.

      phrasing and mechanical issues

    4. Engaging with various texts led me to a narrow list of thirty four sources that stuck out to me, and I carefully read through each one until I came up with my twenty source bibliography.

      good

    5. Fire Emblem series. Before engaging with the discourse surrounding the Fire Emblem series, I had played a few of the titles within the Fire Emblem franchise

      lots of repetition

    6. Brockmann, Andrew. “Victory Probability in the Fire Emblem Arena.” arXiv.org, Ithaca: Cornell University Library, 2018. Accessed 21 Sep. 2023.

      Another EasyBib citation

    1. The next step that I took was to add some digital touch to create ambience and additional context for the son

      Next, I add some digital touches to create ambience and additional context for the song.

    2. I imagine if I could combine the feeling of song X, with lyrical content of song Y, and with the tempo and instruments like in song Z.

      a collage of influences?

  2. ellahodgetts.substack.com ellahodgetts.substack.com
    1. There were also shortages of various goods and drug supplies which have historically been seamlessly imported

      word economy; characters and actions

      There were also shortages of various goods and drug supplies which have historically been seamlessly imported.

      Dwindling numbers of workers from other EU countries has devastated the UK labor market. What's more, many previously available goods-- including some pharmaceuticals-- are now in short supply.

    2. However, I think I should narrow my focus to one topic, such as class, race, or immigration, rather than comparing two political climates at large

      agreed

    3. been present

      why use the passive voice? why not say:

      as a dual citizen of the US and the UK, i'm deeply concerned about the consequences of brexit?

    4. is a primary source recording of Theresa May’s first speech after being named Prime Minister. Her argument centers around support for the common people. It uses statistical evidence on opportunity, education, and upward mobility rates for people of varying classes.

      in her first speech after becoming prime minister, theresa may uses statistical evidence to advance arguments in support of the "common people." she uses statistical evidence to show upward mobility rates for people of varying classes.

    5. This article outlines

      look for alternatives to this phrasing. try:

      Pippa and Kiran examine efforts on the part of the Labour Party to amend laws brought on by Brexit that have created economic and environmental challenges.

    6. the UK and US political landscapes

      ungrammatical: This article outlines similarities between the UK and US political landscapes in terms of rhetoric and ideologies.

      ... the political landscapes of the US and the UK ...

      OR

      This article identifies the ideological and rhetorical similarities between the political landscapes of the US and the UK.

    7. Cameron, David. “A NEW SETTLEMENT FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM IN A REFORMED EUROPEAN UNION.” Received by Donald Tusk, 10 Downing Street, 10 Nov. 2015, London.

      Why caps?

    1. A website would be more likely to reach its intended audience of Ghibli fans, since they primarily consist of online communities

      in the u.s.? don't you say above that ghibli tends to appeal to educated/academic audiences in the u.s.? do you wish to reach that audience, to build a new one?

    2. Two sources that stood out to me: a case study of Ponyo, and an analysis of Japanese mythological allusions in almost a dozen of Miyazaki’s films

      not a complete sentence

    3. Miyazaki and Disney's rivalry is discussed at length;

      does miyazaki's reach rival disney's? what's the basis of the rivalry? do what extent does miyazaki pose a threat to disney financially?

    4. I no longer doubt the credit ascribed to him

      maybe say a bit more about what you discovered. what information did you find particularly persuasive?

    1. but did not own a strong understanding of how IEL worked.

      a bit vague. can you be more specific about the extent of your knowledge? what you've learned completing WP2 should help determining the extent of your previous knowledge

    2. Climate bandwagoning occurs when agents expand a regime or treaty’s mission to include new climate goals.

      The authors of this book article state that ...

    3. “Urgenda Foundation v. State of the Netherlands” climate case chart, 2015, https://climatecasechart.com/non-us-case/urgenda-foundation-v-kingdom-of-the-netherlands/

      Erroneous citation (EasyBib?)

      From Purdue OWL: A Page on a Web Site

      For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.

      Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.

    4. “Climate Change Bandwagoning: Climate Change Impacts on Global Environmental Governance: Sikina Jinnah and Alexandra Conliffe” The Roads from Rio, Chasek, Pamela and Wagner, Lynn M, editors, Routledge, 2012, pp.217-239

      this citation doesn't make sense. who's the author?

      template: Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection, edited by Editor's Name(s), Publisher, Year, Page range of entry.

    5. Alec Tyson et al. “What the data says about Americans’ views of climate change” Pew Research Center,https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/08/09/what-the-data-says-about-americans-views-of-climate-change/

      From Purdue OWL:

      A Page on a Web Site

      For an individual page on a Web site, list the author or alias if known, followed by an indication of the specific page or article being referenced. Usually, the title of the page or article appears in a header at the top of the page. Follow this with the information covered above for entire Web sites. If the publisher is the same as the website name, only list it once.

      Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.

      “Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.

      Corrected citation: Tyson, Alec, et al. "What the Data Says about Americans' View of Climate Change." Pew Research Center, https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/08/09/what-the-data-says-about-americans-views-of-climate-change/. Accessed 6 October 2023.

    1. multi-media op-ed to develop my opinion on the future of internal Republican conflict while utilizing compelling photographs, maps, and audio to substantiate my claims.

      not sure op-ed is the right genre for this. a blog (substack/medium) post might work better

    2. I wrangled with the infamous Republican “Southern Strategy” as one of my first subjects in breaking down the Georgian political landscape.

      In 2018?

    3. Brown, Jessica Autumn. “THE NEW ‘SOUTHERN STRATEGY:’ IMMIGRATION, RACE, AND ‘WELFARE DEPENDENCY’ IN CONTEMPORARY US REPUBLICAN POLITICAL DISCOURSE.” Woodside, Vol. 8, Iss. 2, 2016, Proquest, www.proquest.com/docview/1816620303?accountid=14749&parentSessionId=gbz0%2FbmkKeqoaAFIwkIfFgfREfpZI7q6Ragiv7IwEd0%3D&pq-origsite=primo. Addleton Academic Publishers, 2016. Accessed 23 Sept. 2023.

      This is a classic EasyBib citation. All caps, inclusion of unnecessary proquest material, etc.

    1. Although NIL has created many opportunities, it has also had negative consequences on the integrity of the game and they must be addressed. In the future, I plan on writing an op-ed on this topic. I have many opinions regarding it and would love the opportunity to share more.

      develop further in new paragraph

    2. I also failed to consider the impact of NIL on women’s sports. In proposing this legislation, Sen. Skinner raised a great point, many female athletes do not have the same opportunities to go professional as men.

      run on

    3. scrutiny

      odd word choice. maybe say:

      Author Richard Borghesi examines the ethical and legal liabilities that accompany failing to compensate college football players and assesses proposed remedies such as NIL deals and salaries.

  3. annaleighbos.substack.com annaleighbos.substack.com
    1. progressive media

      Does progressive media need another voice denouncing Putin? Maybe think a bit more about your perspective as a russian-american and who might benefit most from your comments.

    2. personal op-ed on how monuments or propaganda are used to manipulate the Russian population.

      this is quite a swerve away from discussing monuments!

    3. persuasive.

      Room for tightening:

      Author Nir Eisikovits refutes the five most prevalent arguments against the removal of controversial monuments: that removal rewrites history, begets ex post facto moralizing, forecloses debate making society less healthy, fails to address real issues, and establishes precedent for future censorship. Published against the backdrop of the Black Lives Matter movement's resurgence in 2020 and the ongoing efforts to remove Confederate monuments, this article aims to persuade a broad audience about the necessity of monument removal. Its clarity and compelling arguments make it highly accessible and persuasive.

    4. Adams, W. S. “Address at the dedication of the astronomers’ monument at the Griffith Observatory, Los Angeles, November 25, 1934.” Publications of the Astronomical Society of the Pacific, vol. 47, no. 275, 1935, pp. 11–14, DOI: 10.1086/124530.

      Did you double check your formatting before clicking submit?

    1. In addition to the analysis of novel-to-film adaptations, I think I’ll also talk about fidelity and creative liberty in the process of adaptation. Given the different nature of novels and films, I imagine I’d favor the latter – creative liberty – as I examine the adaptations and make a conclusion

      This sounds like a lot. Also, it's clear given your bibliography You might consider building on that work by discussing why some adaptions prioritize creative liberty and what the consequences are.

    2. As the evidence, it examines some unconventional edited films’ storytelling to explore the relationship between writing and editing.

      Awkward phrasing:

      Loftin examines the storytelling of some unconventionally edited films to explore the relationship between writing and editing.

    3. This text discusses fidelity in film adaptations. It aims at examining the film adaptation of the lengthy novel Gone With the Wind, evidenced by comparing the two forms of the work.

      Revise first two sentences:

      This text compares the film adaptation of Gone with the Wind with Margaret Mitchell's novel of the same name to show that ...

      Explain what the article aims to show

    1. ince my information is argumentative I think I will write an analytical essay to critically think about the topic or create a multimedia piece to include the music.

      definitely you'll want to include audio samples. what audience do you have in mind? knowing will help you determine what kind of analytical essay to write

    2. I don’t understand why they have to undermine Afrobeats as being one-tone when I think it’s the exact opposite of that.

      to whom are you referring? how recent were these comments made?

    3. Growing up my dad played Afrobeats all the time, but it had an old-timey feel and almost transported you to a different time.

      Growing up, my dad played Afrobeats all the time, but to me it had an old-timey feel ...

      and almost transported you to a different time.

      Why "you"? Do you want the reader to understand this as a negative thing?

    4. This political acknowledgment correlates to the musical recognition African artists are getting after the success of their music, western powers are now taking Africa seriously.

      This political acknowledgment correlates to the musical recognition African artists are getting. After the success of their music, western powers are now taking Africa seriously.

    5. 3. Blinken, Anthony. “THE UNITED STATES AND AFRICA: BUILDING A 21ST CENTURY PARTNERSHIP.” Economic Community Of Western States, 19 Nov 2021, Abuja, Nigeria.

      Here as well.

    6. 2. "The Rise and Legacy of Afrobeat Music From Fela Kuti to Modern Artists. AllAfrica Global Media. 2022. https://www.proquest.com/docview/2803264672?accountid=14749&parentSessionId=eZmC0fef1KvPsXWUYizcsGJM8pxzOJSCy9Ia5S%2BuZ5c%3D&pq-origsite=primo. Accessed 14 Sep. 2023.

      Same problem here. As I warned repeatedly in class, bib generators ALWAYS contain errors.

    7. 1. De Witte, Marleen. “From bokoe bullying to afrobeats: Or how being African became cool in black Amsterdam. In: Locating African European Studies: Interventions, Intersections, Conversations.” edited by Felipe Espinoza Garrido, Caroline Koegler, Deborah Nyangulu, Mark U Stein, Routledge, 2019, 62-78.

      This citation must have been created by EasyBib.

      Proper MLA Citation of an article from an edited collection: Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection, edited by Editor's Name(s), Publisher, Year, Page range of entry.

      De Witte, Marleen. “From Bokoe Bullying to Afrobeats: Or How Being African Became Cool in Black Amsterdam." Locating African European Studies: Interventions, Intersections, Conversations, edited by Felipe Espinoza Garrido, Caroline Koegler, Deborah Nyangulu, and Mark U. Stein, Routledge, 2019, 62-78.

  4. Sep 2023
    1. more of us vomiters out there than you think, and we have a responsibility to make life easier for those who believe that their writing habits will always hamstring them.

      one aim: to recuperate the "vomit writing"

    1. When I think back to the “beginning” of my journey as an artist, I find it, like many others, a difficult thing to define.

      Like many other artists, I find it difficult to define the “beginning” of my journey as an artist.

  5. savannahtoney340page.substack.com savannahtoney340page.substack.com
    1. follow trends in filmmaking, but I have also seen creatives forge their own paths, tell their own stories - their way - and then that somehow becomes the new trend

      maybe develop this contrast further, and give examples of trend-following vs. following one's own path

    1. Not only was my mother pushing me to get a degree In a high-earning field, but I myself was worried about the legitimacy of a career in film and photography.

      phrasing. try:

      My mother continued pushing me to get a degree in a high-earning field while I fretted over the wisdom of pursuing a career in film and photography.

    2. Every time I close my eyes, it is as if my internal shutter has been closed and my lens has been cleaned, ready to capture another picture. - Based on various articles from The Atlantic

      is this a direct quote?

    1. I did not yet understand how to write college-level essays like that which my writing professor expected of me.

      phrasing. try:

      I did not understand how to write college-level essays

      OR

      I did not understand how to write the kind of essays my writing professor expected me to produce

    2. Now that I’ve been exposed to the real process of writing and publishing with fewer boundaries and rules surrounding genres and language

      where? in this class? or somewhere else?

  6. hlee2543.substack.com hlee2543.substack.com
    1. "Katniss propels her demands while getting increasingly agitated and using a louder tone, all while towering over her listeners. Contrary to female stereotypes, which communicate subordinate status and vulnerability to trespass through a message of no threat, Katniss’ movements here are abrupt and stiff, communicating force and threat rather than flexibility and cooperation, making an actor look masculine. Katniss, in this context, demonstrates her confidence by realizing the power she holds over the rebellion, refusing to compromise with Coin. Importantly, she achieves her demands without resorting to exploiting female sexuality, a tactic that women often employ to gain protection, wealth, and the vicarious benefits of power.”

      set apart as a block quote