other than buolamwini, with what other theorists, commentators, critics did you engage when writing this essay?

take-away: structure works for you

conventions of the genre? of required formatting in that particular class?

here's an opportunity to elaboration. why was it difficult? one sentence would suffice: "my illness weakened me, and the medication I was on made me incredibly sleepy."

new paragraph

new paragraph

you're so not alone

redundant; cut one

where did your knowledge of those theories come from?

it does sound argumentative, though, insofar as you offer an interpretation of a metaphor

same one has above, or a different one?

new paragraph?

new paragraph?

look for ways to insert more white space

after attending only a few ...

I'm still uncertain

transformed

always?

what pulled you away from wishing to become an imagineer?

why? where did that desire come from?

how did this casting come to pass?

not sure about the keroauc interlude, in part because the objective of part 1 appears to be establishing your own pre-visualization of future status and determination; can't say i buy kerouac a figure projecting these qualities, at least not in the way you describe

with family? alone? did school continue remotely? were you having to support yourself?

keroauc seems focused on the possibility in the sentence you've cited; your question suggests a different view of the future, something closer to fate or destiny. or maybe even something you can actualize through discipline (as with guitar). it's hard to imagine kerouac practicing 4 hours a day; his work is more impulsive. do you recognize the distinction between the line you've cited and your own self presentation in this essay?

colon

use a colon

no doubt. and that's what we're interested in here. say more about the voices populating that space.

what research papers are you talking about?

just say first

phrasing. try:

I enjoy writing. In fact, I prefer writing essays to taking tests or participating in discussions. But I wouldn't typically go out of my way to write a creative piece for myself.

been involuntary

so, more research? of return to the completed research?

phrasing.

so, time spent working is part of what determines quality

is this the Writing 150 essay alluded to above?

maybe combine this with the first sentence so that you don't introduce the paper twice

not sure i follow your meaning here. exposed to by whom and in what sense?

they

take-aways: a bit disjointed; there seems to be an assumption at work that the reader has as much knowledge about your experiences as you do and therefore doesn't require context; the theme of connected interests emerges, which has promise in relation to the string metaphor; phrasing issues.

who

word choice. try: inspired

consider developing this notion of connection further. it may be that the string metaphor has the most promise, as it allows you to see these connections. Whereas, the wave metaphor seems more appropriate to illustrate something coming into view (being brought ashore).

consider starting new sentence

no comma needed

who's we?

not all families have this. maybe explain how it came to be there? did other family members have an interest in film?

how does this metaphor mix with the ocean/ripples one?

your choice of metaphor seems a bit arbitrary. maybe develop it further so that the reader has a sense of where if comes from?

find that it would come back to me?

really? many people assume this?

phrasing

they refers to?

word choice. to manifest is to create. how does the artist create their past present and future in the work?

take-aways: consider developing the basketball analogy further; phrasing issues

when

past or present?

phrasing

new paragraph

who?

such as?

what are you actually saying? loving them from the moment of discovery onward and playing them from that moment are two different things, and i doubt the latter is true, even for a prodigy

them?

phrasing

comma

couldn't

to what does this refer?

period

something about this formulation seems off to me. maybe try: sometimes, it's hard to explain why we love the things we love most.

a good overview of what your guidebook does, but we need more details furnishing the discursive space within which your guidebooks exists. other than watanabe, to whom (or what) else did you turn for information/understanding? who's views influenced you or played a significant role in your work? where does your work fit in to the broader discussion?

example 3

second example

so, it was a research paper? or an argumentative paper with a research component?

... writing ...

add comma

cut

the

comma unnecessary

just say first. adding -ly just makes an adverb into ... an adverb

this paper examines how the use of spiritual spaces in Tibet's capital has changed ...

what do you mean by space? like, the cosmos?

phrasing. try:

... despite using critical thinking and involving spatial elements ...

awkward phrasing

to what does this refer?

by whom?

fair enough. in a way, what you describe reminds me of what i refer to as instrumental vs. intellectual writing. the former encompasses required administrative writing; the latter, the work I produce for the benefit of my field

you could go further with this contextual analysis. what's the discursive realm in which your article exists? what materials have you engaged with contributed to perceptions of the game? what commentators' views (about USC basketball) informed your views?

on whom?

daily trojan? you're assuming readers know you write for it

literature isn't journalism, though. nor are school essays literature

cut

cut

fair enough. they're not really "writing," just regurgitation

so, you didn't so much game the rubric as follow it strictly?

this sentence doesn't square with how you begin the paragraph (gaming the rubric)

why?

phrasing. try:

i tried to write what i thought would earn a good grade

OR

i tried to write something i thought my professor would find impressive

... to myself that I and I alone would ...

more than one?

strange to stress your enthusiasm while being unable to explain it

cut the opening meta-discourse: The more freedom I have in writing a given assignment, the more enjoyment I get from the finished product.

not sure i would recommend getting into these more doubtful elements yet

a bit vague. your passion? or something that one must possess in order to do it?

no need to include this heading

phrasing

For this assignment, the instructor gave us a reading and some discussion questions. From there, we were instructed to use the discussion questions to assemble an outline and craft an essay.

not a lot here about the discursive context of the personal statement your wrote. here, you'd want to think about the materials that you read/engaged with in order to produce the statement. for instance, reference materials, sample statements, advice from counselors, etc. what knowledge did you draw upon to write this statement? where does you approach to writing personal statements fit in the broader discussion about how to craft such a document?

which one? are you taking this class currently?

new paragraph

new paragraph

confusing. a real-life phenomenon that occurs in a tv show?

maybe say more about this since you brought it up

maybe say this when you bring up the article initially

no comma needed

what was the formula?

phrasing. try: both in and out of school

make separate sentence

use a colon when seeking to elaborate or spell out

interesting. can you elaborate?

phrasing. try:

I was focused on learning to write like a "real human being" rather than a student forced to churn out required papers. My preoccupation with "real writing" is particularly evident in an analysis I wrote of the films Roman Holiday and Before Sunrise. This essay is among the best things I've written since entering college.

this section is slightly less successful than part 1; it largely follows the pattern established in part one, focusing primarily of circumstances (such as your TA's race, etc.). but what about the discursive context in which Black Girl is situated? What voices are active in the space? What view does they espouse? Who did you draw from in writing your analysis? Why did you agree with? Disagree with? Where does the analysis you wrote fit in?

this ending feels a bit rushed; maybe think a bit more about proportion

take-aways: one gets the sense that you've discovered how strong emotions affect your writing

i've been assuming you're citing your own works. you needn't' worry about doing this here.

cut

the

it would help to know what class this assignment was for, and how taking the class virtually affected your ability to write it.

you said this once before; maybe just say "i"

phrasing. try: sentence to write OR thing to admit

considering cutting

interesting. i had a similar experience

cut. maybe add a sentence earlier explaining who you read and how death informed their writing. that way.

phrasing. try: ... important that class would become to my writing

take-aways: the key seems to be writing about things that interest you. maybe it would be fair to say, concerning your philosophy course, that the class and its subject matter weren't intrinsically boring or bad, just not for you

how? there's a lot of telling here and very little showing.

sure. and to that end, it's important that you articulate here the contours of the fracking debate as you understand them. what commentators did you engage with while working on this essay? what are the major arguments being made? by whom? with whom do you align yourself? distance yourself from? where does your argument fit in?

what do you mean? maybe elaborate. SC justices use case law to rule in one direction of the other.

cool

was there anything that could have been done to increase socialization and collaboration? either by your, your classmates, or the prof?

what do you mean by assignment description? do yo mean you have to look up cliff's notes?

cut

do you remember the name? if not, maybe look it up -- shouldn't be hard to find

cut

take-aways: not sure I see a through-line -- the erroneous date doesn't transfer over to the other examples; how does keaton's illusion, not to mention his knowledge, map on to your experience?

TLJ!

phrasing

to what does "this" refer?

to performing stunts

maybe clarify for those unfamiliar. does the film depict him stepping onto a "projector screen"?

maybe ruminate on what these various changes in direction mean (or have in common)

one

not sure how this connects to the previous sentence. also, phrasing.

punctuation is your friend

commentators?

to

a few?

just say first

extent

emergence

ambient

do you mean "there wasn't"?

take-aways: not sure i see the through-line; the physics stuff at the beginning seems almost unnecessary; the turn to acting abrupt. are there elements of quantum mechanics that carried over somehow? do you see a connection that could help readers understand? or is the point of the story randomness?

seems like an abrupt change based only on a recommendation from a friend. was there more to it?

should we know more about this?

at what point?

new paragraph

keep verb tense consistent: I have been .. for as long as I can ...

maybe say, "Far from being popular, I was often bullied."

didn't (going forward) or hadn't (had not)

sounds like you're talking from beyond the grave. try: I've

take-aways: for an essay ostensibly about a love for screenwriting, there's not a lot here about screenwriting; help the links-in-a-chain metaphor along by showing connections between what you were reading and what you gradually started writing; your title quickly fades from view (maybe consider replacing and removing car metaphor)

to that of those

semicolon

by

phrasing

say more

it would be useful to focus a bit more on the writing itself.

?

occurs?

not sure all readers will warm to this sentiment

maybe find a more universal image? like a headlamp?

why is this the case?

kind of a funny image. i mean, where the rest of the car?

did you engage with any texts in writing this assignment? did your draw from an materials that augmented or in any way enhanced your view of the discursive context of your assignment?

repetition

phrasing. try:

It was enjoyable to witness others with struggles similar to mine [sounds a bit sadistic] and held the same outlook [maybe cut, as the relation isn't clear], yet I wish I [was able to] could provide more variety in viewpoints without making the teacher think I am trying to invalidate my own viewpoint [was the critique that your contradicted yourself?]

repetition

take-aways: unique reflections on (i presume) writing 150, your interactions with classmates, and your experience in l.a. during covid; significant phrasing issues; it doesn't appear you talk about writing in more than a single class -- was this really all the writing you did between first-year and now?

phrasing. try: during peer-review, my classmates and i gave each other useful advice, not only regarding our writing but our personal struggles as well.

phrasing. try: to earn a respectable grade, i not only had to write the paper, i had to write it using a specific process.

clarify: college writing class

myriad = many many reasons myriad reasons

phrasing. It is always asked of me [by whom?] to glue together a paper [why?] from a mess of arguments that rise in temperature and boil over until it is left as nothing truly [unneeded] meaningful

word choice

This section is less successful than the previous one. What commentators are you aware of in the discursive contexts surrounding your topic? What points of view do they espouse? Who do you agree with? Disagree with? Who's work did you draw from most often? Where does your point of view fit in?

How did you arrive at this understanding? Who did you read, listen to, watch?

undoubtedly, the discursive context surrounding this topic must included numerous voices and ideas

take-aways: some inconsistency in tone-to-subject matter; phrasing issues

is this among the genres listed above? term papers that respond to material discussed in class -- is that the same thing as a reflection paper?

these sentences seem to contradict one another: excitement or dread? upbeat tone increases dissonance.

not sure i follow

phrasing. try: I used to create

why not discuss it in more detail, maybe even by including an excerpt? the main reason would be to show rather than tell how your application statement (itself a rigid, highly structured writing genre) developed in a "fluid" way consequent to CWII

take-aways: this seems to be an essay about adaptability-- that is, identifying the steps that will produce high grades for more conventional writing assignments; exploiting the freedoms of more irregular writing assignments; not too much about the pieces themselves, however, or the story they tell.