take-aways: themes of observation, visualization, and storytelling could be developed further; piece would benefit from slightly more direct engagement with the question, "what event or series of events led to you becoming an artists." if it's a series -- rides home, music, visualization, observation to camara to collecting and assembling images -- find a way to make this a stronger central point.

renowned

shows

this word makes for such an award active verb. maybe try: this everyday experience created a new world ...

what do you mean by this? to take form? in what sense?

phrasing. lots of unnecessary words; passive voice

phrasing. try: ... i would hear what i ...

no comma needed

phrasing. try: walked

use a dash or a colon

phrasing. try: ... whether my mother retrieved me or my father

phrasing. try: sound different

not the same thing as crystallization

such as? this question is key. here, your talking about the discursive context in which your letter resides. what voices populate this space? who are you drawing from? who are you inspired by? who are you distancing yourself from? where do you fit in?

cut

genre conventions

take-away: you might say more here about sensitivity to others--subjects as well as readers--as this seems like an important part of your development. motivated to inform (others), interview and fairly represent (others), collaborate with and take feedback from (others), work amidst (others)

maybe say more about transcription. how does one capture the inflections of a recorded voice to represent one's subject fairly/accurately?

word choice. maybe go simpler: "used"

word choice. try: comments OR responses?

cool

remember to add a pronoun to maintain grammatical consistency: ... with that of my tattoo ...

what made you chose this topic?

develop further?

consider easing up on the passive voice. try using "spring" instead of "were born" or "emerged" instead of "were written"

considering following through on the comparison. try:

Like most college students, I've spent a significant portion of my academic journey focused on my field of study. Unlike most students; however, I chose a discipline focused almost entirely on writing.

okay, but this is a point of view. what authors did you engage with while writing this piece? how did they affect you? how did they help shape you thinking? who's speaking within the discursive context of your essay and where do you fit in?

wordy. try:

of the essays i've written since entering college, i'm especially fond of one called "Heart (WeHo's Version)" written for the aforementioned gender and sexuality course.

take-aways: abrupt ending; maybe too much setup; too much telling, not enough showing; not enough development regarding the aspects of your writing that have changed or evolved in recent years.

linearly (adverbial form)

phrasing. try:

This coursework heavily influenced my writing, as the essays I wrote early on at USC clearly show.

you might say more about this. how does self and philosophy of truth fit into the theater program's curriculum?

do you mean language?

how was the idea of "remix" applied?

phrasing. try:

when i journal about what happened on a given day

or

when i journal about my day

i presume you're only referring to academic writing.

discussing

wow. i went there! who taught the class?

some awkward phrasing issues here

what do you mean by validity? and for whom is the validity the same?

cut

cut

emerges from

you realized this when?

what shift, exactly?

aren't these words interchangeable in this context?

are you referring to this assignment or to the present generally?

take-aways: regarding your early prediction about saying too much about unimportant things-- things don't exactly play out that way, BUT it is the case that the connections i assume you wish to make between dance, fashion, and acting seem tangential at best; the correspondences that hold these interests together get relatively little attention

This idea could use further development, as it seems central to your commitment to becoming an artist and clearly ties together the forms of creativity you discuss in this piece (fashion, dance, acting -- all involve becoming someone else or a different version of yourself)

What do you mean by pure? Is unrefined the same as pure?

This was a new feeling, one that I loved more than being seen.

word choice. try: viola

have you mentioned them? should your reader know what you're referring to?

new paragraph

take-aways: your submission closely follows the bullet points provided on the assignment, which, frankly, makes for a somewhat dull reading experience; the most important aspect of contextual analysis --discursive context-- is seriously under worked; what voices populate this space? what views do they espouse? with whom do you align yourself? where does your pitch fit in?

what were they?

not sure what this means. also, in part 1, the idea is to focus on circumstance, which you've done to a degree despite repeatedly invoking context

singular

for what course?

what do you mean? are you referring to the adaption of FALILV?

or have

understood. but provides a solid rationale for requiring structured writing in college as a preparatory measure

so cool you were given this opportunity

lol, it's a long. okay. maybe add a footnote above!

cut

by whom?

your? do you mean in your major?

do you mean goat, as in g.o.a.t.?

what's a deadline brawl?

why past tense?

not quite right, as literary suggests literature, which doesn't appear to be among the things you've been asked to write about

take-aways: you appear super comfortable/confident with the genre (which is great) and aware that your audiences has needs; i'm unconvinced by the romance metaphor; maybe you could develop this further by playing around with the on-again, off-again nature of some relationships; you suggests that all love fades (and that it already has once), do you suspect that will be the case in the future?

relive?

me

I = subject pronoun (as in, I kicked the ball) me = object pronoun (as in, Johnny kicked the ball at me)

in phrases without a verb (music videos and i went to the movies), use me

take-aways: irony-- for all the talk of choosing and choice, dance doesn't seem like a choice at all, but rather something that has to happen (maybe reflect further on this); also, ironic: the validation of getting into dream school-- all you really needed was to be admitted

awkward phrasing

new paragraph? this seems too important to bury

try simplifying. seems like you're just trying to say that you had no choice but to dance.

take-aways: a tale of two tales: accounting major and visit to Oaxaca with camera; considering cutting some of the accounting stuff (maybe all of it) to make more room for your trip to Oaxaca and its significant to you re: making films; you never say explicitly that this trip led to your decision to pursue film - did it?

Moreover, my supervisor always referred to bookkeeping as an introduction to accounting. So, I took their word for it and decided to pursue accounting-- a career I had no interest in-- and potentially spend several years studying.

white-collar professions

awkward phrasing

why offended?

What else did you read in addition to Radford? Who populates the discourse community surrounding his work? Who do you agree with? Disagree with? Where does your work fit?

do you mean you feel pressure too acutely?

long sentence

maybe include an image?

it sounds like your TA was part of a writing community

which is?

good sentence

not sure i follow your logic here

really? what about the materials you were reading?

good analysis of what the paper does. but it lacks info re: discursive contexts. what materials were you reading? what points of view were espoused? what did you agree with? disagree with? where did your work fit in, exactly?

me too

good

new paragraph

new paragraph?

new paragraph

phrasing

whoa, this is a massive paragraph

lol

Try:

over the last two years, my writing practices have changed dramatically. i've gone from relying on the formulaic methods i learned in high school to using the critical and creative methods i discovered after entering college.

word choice. seems too passive, as if you weren't involved

Good, but you need to include more about the discursive context of your paper. Other than Mumcu himself, who did you engage with while writing/researching? What views did they espouse? Who did you align yourself with? Distance yourself from? Where did your piece fit into the discourse?

oh god, really? these people were admitted to USC?

who

As a high-school senior in Turkey trying to decide where to attend college, I found myself attracted to the importance placed on well-roundedness in U.S. colleges and universities.

some people work well under the gun

i occasionally do something similar

really, it's your favorite kind of writing because your high school emphasized it?

cool!

word choice. try: by

or, even better, revise the whole sentence: "otherwise, i succumb to imposter syndrome"

I would cut "downward spiral" as "imposter syndrome" 'is already a bit of a cliche. building on a cliche with a cliche is ... maybe not the best move

These sentences move in different directions.

i assume you'll develop this point further in the next paragraph?

maybe a bit dramatic? i mean, what was stopping you from writing as you wished in other contexts?

unneeded

that's a bummer. but to be fair, it's not advertised as a class about self-expression, at least not in a general sense. the aim is to help you produce the kind of writing that will serve you in other college classes. whether that's the correct approach is perhaps up for debate.

neither scenario sounds optional for learning

the subject, or the materials used in this instance to discuss it?

them

swinging too much in the other direction

eek!

nooooooooo!!!!

subject

were

take-away: more clarity regarding the discursive context. who are the figures you're referring to? what are their points of view? where do you fit in?

ah, okay. such as?

what was the data? where did you get it? who prepared it?

what did you research, exactly? that is, what materials did you use? who prepared them? what points of view were expressed? or, from what perspective was the material produced?

i see

was the purpose argumentative or informative?

what do you mean by rhetoric, exactly?

do you mean a powerpoint-type presentation? did you prepare remarks in advance or just following predetermined bullit points?

take-aways: different environments and genres were beneficial; phrasing issues, audience awareness/paragraph approach

In addition to personal growth, I also experienced academic growth while writing abroad.

new paragraph

which

typically consisting of numbered lists of tips and lessons

word choice. sounds like it didn't flourish much at all in the Othello class. maybe try: began

this sentence seems misplaced. maybe cut or move it

think

it depends a little on who "we" is. people in africa have dealt with ebola, for instance

okay, say more about this. what figures did you engage with? why? from what vantage point were they writing? with whom did you agree? disagree? which figures/arguments did you align yourself with? where did your work fit in?

for what class? was it a proper research paper, or an argumentative paper with a research component?

this is a genre

topic, not a genre

Phrasing. Try: One piece in particular I wrote during this period was an essay for my first-year history class. The assignment required me to choose from a list of subjects and create an analytical essay from predetermined research questions.

maybe say more. why move here during covid?

coming from where?

conduct research

I've written

can you clarify? to what does this refer?

good analysis re: genre, but you need more discussion of discursive context

sounds like you were simply being asked to demonstrate that you learned some things

maybe it would help to think of other writing projects this way. i also read my stuff aloud as if it were a speech. it helps me catch issues i might not notice otherwise

okay

the problems you noted above didn't materialize. why not?

take-aways: you struggle to develop original arguments when using sources; your interest in the show became somewhat detrimental to your essay

new paragraph

new paragraph

demonstrating

Tonally, this paragraph is quite different from what follows, it's very heady. Honestly, I'm not sure you need it.

take-aways: the central ideas-- god is an energy force (for good? for evil?) and is everywhere; the energy that conjured up motorcycle jesus is the same energy between characters (or is it actors? that's not entirely clear) and that propels you to act and when acting

honestly, readers will likely struggle to make the connection unless you provide an example of how god-energy manifested during performance in ways that resonate with the motorcycle jesus episode

mcj was conjured up to rescue you -- do you have a similar conjuring you can draw from in the context of acting/performance?

but they were doomed! maybe you mean between actors performing those characters (maybe name them). same with tybalt and mercutio.

When I am moved by text, speech frequencies, or the way a light hits a certain actor, I am not moved by these things independently, but by the energy amidst them (connecting them?)

so, i presume we're moving toward bringing motorcycle jesus together with acting in some way ...

follow through with the metaphor. try: thirst for life

does on unravel a question?

a bit awkward. maybe try: wishes

not sure i follow this sentence

crazy long paragraph / this section seems to continue the approach used in part 1, but i don't see contextual analysis. what figures did you engage with while writing? what views did they espouse? who did you find yourself agreeing with? where did your work fit it?

more weird formatting

was that part of the assignment, to speak like a lawyer?

take-aways: hard to find a sweet spot professor wise-- you find work assignment by sweethearts and jerks equally "grueling" (why do you think this is the case?) / i'm not sure the story you tell here exactly maps into your claim in P1 about process not product being affected / phrasing inconsistency

it sounds like you didn't have to do much to clear that bar. how did you know what to do?

repetitious

lol

don't capitalize articles in titles (a, the)

this seems to contradict your statement above re: content being affected less than process

this seems important. you're motivated by stress. this seems like something you might want to make a bigger deal about

i don't get it. you assumed the prof would grade easy, so why was it grueling?

paragraph break?

process, product, or both?

did you ask for clarification?

finding

weird formatting error

Odd

Nice sentence

in

use a semicolon

... ; however, ...

use of colon

in

studies

unnecessary

no need to capitalize

And you learned about them how?

Take-aways to consider: arbitrary examples / some clunky phrasing / lacking in detail

Just say first (it's already an adverb)

What did that guidance look like? These are the kind of details we're looking for on this assignment

You use this word A LOT