truly to express how I felt about the issue
sure. and to that end, it's important that you articulate here the contours of the fracking debate as you understand them. what commentators did you engage with while working on this essay? what are the major arguments being made? by whom? with whom do you align yourself? distance yourself from? where does your argument fit in?
subjectivity in their morality to be incredibly intriguing
what do you mean? maybe elaborate. SC justices use case law to rule in one direction of the other.
Another difference in my process of writing this letter is that I read it to all of my roommates before sending it, and each of them had ideas and insight as to how to make it bette
cool
the range of engagement on my writing began with me and ended with my professor.
was there anything that could have been done to increase socialization and collaboration? either by your, your classmates, or the prof?
assignment description because I had regretfully not done all of the readings, which I found to be far longer than necessary, overly exhaustive and thoroughly uninteresting
what do you mean by assignment description? do yo mean you have to look up cliff's notes?
Google and
cut
history/philosophy
do you remember the name? if not, maybe look it up -- shouldn't be hard to find
of my life,
cut
.
not a lot here about the discursive context of the personal statement your wrote. here, you'd want to think about the materials that you read/engaged with in order to produce the statement. for instance, reference materials, sample statements, advice from counselors, etc. what knowledge did you draw upon to write this statement? where does you approach to writing personal statements fit in the broader discussion about how to craft such a document?
One assignment in particular, was an extra credit assignment, in which we were prompted to research and discuss former president Donald Trump’s indictmen
which one? are you taking this class currently?
Environmental factors
new paragraph
n this class, I had the opportunity to ask questions
new paragraph
real-life phenomenon that occurs in one’s personal life, a television show, book, article, etc.
confusing. a real-life phenomenon that occurs in a tv show?
Environmental factors also played a part in my writing, as I was adjusting to keeping focus in an apartment with roommates for the first time.
maybe say more about this since you brought it up
To compose the consumer culture paper, I was provided an article to read and base my opinions from.
maybe say this when you bring up the article initially
,
no comma needed
formulaic format
what was the formula?
both academically and willingly
phrasing. try: both in and out of school
from writing words, to sentences, to paragraphs, to essays, academia has taught individuals arguably the most vital factor in learning: reading and writing
make separate sentence
;
use a colon when seeking to elaborate or spell out
students are taught to read and write in multiple different contexts
interesting. can you elaborate?
.
this section is slightly less successful than part 1; it largely follows the pattern established in part one, focusing primarily of circumstances (such as your TA's race, etc.). but what about the discursive context in which Black Girl is situated? What voices are active in the space? What view does they espouse? Who did you draw from in writing your analysis? Why did you agree with? Disagree with? Where does the analysis you wrote fit in?
.
this ending feels a bit rushed; maybe think a bit more about proportion
take-aways: one gets the sense that you've discovered how strong emotions affect your writing
(“The Act of Looking”)
i've been assuming you're citing your own works. you needn't' worry about doing this here.
that
cut
my
the
.
it would help to know what class this assignment was for, and how taking the class virtually affected your ability to write it.
8-year-old Gabriella
you said this once before; maybe just say "i"
sentence to admit
phrasing. try: sentence to write OR thing to admit
Now,
considering cutting
.
interesting. i had a similar experience
just as all of those writers had done
cut. maybe add a sentence earlier explaining who you read and how death informed their writing. that way.
ironic and vital that class would have been to understanding myself and my relationship with writing
phrasing. try: ... important that class would become to my writing
It’s critical to understand that Hip Hop—a genre and culture that was born out of both the marginalization and perseverance of Blacks—is a genre that transcends socioeconomic, cultural, and national borders
How did you arrive at this understanding? Who did you read, listen to, watch?
analytical research essay about how Black resistance inspired and was inspired by two notable genres of Black music—negro spirituals and gangsta rap.
undoubtedly, the discursive context surrounding this topic must included numerous voices and ideas
.
take-aways: some inconsistency in tone-to-subject matter; phrasing issues
reflection term papers
is this among the genres listed above? term papers that respond to material discussed in class -- is that the same thing as a reflection paper?
.
these sentences seem to contradict one another: excitement or dread? upbeat tone increases dissonance.
While I have no issue engaging in writing to others and myself on a daily basi
not sure i follow
that were involved in the creation of
phrasing. try: I used to create
essay was an analytical essay
repetition
.
take-aways: unique reflections on (i presume) writing 150, your interactions with classmates, and your experience in l.a. during covid; significant phrasing issues; it doesn't appear you talk about writing in more than a single class -- was this really all the writing you did between first-year and now?
When we would inevitably peer-review each others essay, we gave each other genuinely useful life and writing advice and consoled each other in our personal struggles.
phrasing. try: during peer-review, my classmates and i gave each other useful advice, not only regarding our writing but our personal struggles as well.
The writing was required in the sense of a grade, but it also felt required in the sense that I had to take certain steps and processes to guarantee a grade I would be content with
phrasing. try: to earn a respectable grade, i not only had to write the paper, i had to write it using a specific process.
writing class
clarify: college writing class
a myriad of
myriad = many many reasons myriad reasons
It is always asked of me to glue together a paper from a mess of arguments that rise in temperature and boil over until it is left as nothing truly meaningful
phrasing. It is always asked of me [by whom?] to glue together a paper [why?] from a mess of arguments that rise in temperature and boil over until it is left as nothing truly [unneeded] meaningful
literature
word choice
.
take-aways: themes of observation, visualization, and storytelling could be developed further; piece would benefit from slightly more direct engagement with the question, "what event or series of events led to you becoming an artists." if it's a series -- rides home, music, visualization, observation to camara to collecting and assembling images -- find a way to make this a stronger central point.
renown
renowned
showed
shows
to birth
this word makes for such an award active verb. maybe try: this everyday experience created a new world ...
Sights, names, sounds, and scents began to crystalize in starkly imaginative ways around the age of three
what do you mean by this? to take form? in what sense?
When I look back on it, I essentially took the scenarios that were illustrated
phrasing. lots of unnecessary words; passive voice
the ride home would grace my ears with the sounds
phrasing. try: ... i would hear what i ...
,
no comma needed
would walk
phrasing. try: walked
-
use a dash or a colon
whether my mother was coming to get me or my father
phrasing. try: ... whether my mother retrieved me or my father
differ greatly in sound
phrasing. try: sound different
heightened state of awareness
not the same thing as crystallization
he act of crafting this cover letter aligned me with the voices and perspectives that emphasize the significance of effective communication and personal branding in a professional context
such as? this question is key. here, your talking about the discursive context in which your letter resides. what voices populate this space? who are you drawing from? who are you inspired by? who are you distancing yourself from? where do you fit in?
In my opinion
cut
I understood that a truly exceptional cover letter should encapsulate not only my personal qualifications and experiences, but also show that I possess a deep understanding of the news group’s mission and purpose
genre conventions
.
take-away: you might say more here about sensitivity to others--subjects as well as readers--as this seems like an important part of your development. motivated to inform (others), interview and fairly represent (others), collaborate with and take feedback from (others), work amidst (others)
.
maybe say more about transcription. how does one capture the inflections of a recorded voice to represent one's subject fairly/accurately?
everaged
word choice. maybe go simpler: "used"
interviews
word choice. try: comments OR responses?
this proves the importance of diverse perspectives and external feedback in enhancing the depth and overall impact of journalistic work.
cool
with my tattoo
remember to add a pronoun to maintain grammatical consistency: ... with that of my tattoo ...
I’m not a huge fan of tattoos, so I wasn’t incredibly interested in writing it
what made you chose this topic?
.
develop further?
were born from my personal interests and passions, while others were written
consider easing up on the passive voice. try using "spring" instead of "were born" or "emerged" instead of "were written"
Like most college students, a significant portion of my academic journey has revolved around my chosen field of study. However, what sets my academic experience apart is the fact that my major itself is dedicated entirely to the art of writing—I am a journalist
considering following through on the comparison. try:
Like most college students, I've spent a significant portion of my academic journey focused on my field of study. Unlike most students; however, I chose a discipline focused almost entirely on writing.
I don’t believe my writing exists to align with or even challenge the work of others, but instead aims to promote that sometimes there is no answer or framework to explain the many questions that may inevitably come up.
okay, but this is a point of view. what authors did you engage with while writing this piece? how did they affect you? how did they help shape you thinking? who's speaking within the discursive context of your essay and where do you fit in?
.
wordy. try:
of the essays i've written since entering college, i'm especially fond of one called "Heart (WeHo's Version)" written for the aforementioned gender and sexuality course.
.
take-aways: abrupt ending; maybe too much setup; too much telling, not enough showing; not enough development regarding the aspects of your writing that have changed or evolved in recent years.
read much more linear
linearly (adverbial form)
This coursework directly informed my writing and I can see it clearly even in my first few essays while at USC.
phrasing. try:
This coursework heavily influenced my writing, as the essays I wrote early on at USC clearly show.
With a large amount of this training being grounded in the philosophy of truth and working through my most authentic version of myself,
you might say more about this. how does self and philosophy of truth fit into the theater program's curriculum?
writing semantics
do you mean language?
“remix”
how was the idea of "remix" applied?
When I journal and discuss, in great detail or not, the events of my day
phrasing. try:
when i journal about what happened on a given day
or
when i journal about my day
who is actually likely to read the thing
i presume you're only referring to academic writing.
discoursing about
discussing
University of North Texas in the fall of 2022
wow. i went there! who taught the class?
.
some awkward phrasing issues here
validity
what do you mean by validity? and for whom is the validity the same?
of somethin
cut
a
cut
and the impetus for it exists within the
emerges from
writing doesn’t have to be exclusively academic or even formal
you realized this when?
shift
what shift, exactly?
grown and evolved
aren't these words interchangeable in this context?
now
are you referring to this assignment or to the present generally?
.
take-aways: regarding your early prediction about saying too much about unimportant things-- things don't exactly play out that way, BUT it is the case that the connections i assume you wish to make between dance, fashion, and acting seem tangential at best; the correspondences that hold these interests together get relatively little attention
but I could also be someone else for a change
This idea could use further development, as it seems central to your commitment to becoming an artist and clearly ties together the forms of creativity you discuss in this piece (fashion, dance, acting -- all involve becoming someone else or a different version of yourself)
pure
What do you mean by pure? Is unrefined the same as pure?
This was a new feeling. A new feeling that I loved more than being seen.
This was a new feeling, one that I loved more than being seen.
alas
word choice. try: viola
these
have you mentioned them? should your reader know what you're referring to?
I liked being seen
new paragraph
.”
take-aways: your submission closely follows the bullet points provided on the assignment, which, frankly, makes for a somewhat dull reading experience; the most important aspect of contextual analysis --discursive context-- is seriously under worked; what voices populate this space? what views do they espouse? with whom do you align yourself? where does your pitch fit in?
Specifically, my text was responding to two sample documentary pitches about Angelinos living in RVs and the remaining practitioners of taxidermy. Both highlighted unconventional subjects, pondered some American cultural phenomena, and weaved in open-ended ethical questions. My text responded by using more unconventional subjects, emphasizing American cultural iconography and subjects (guns, invaders, untamed frontiers, etc.), and employing highly controversial imagery and subjects.
what were they?
This further implicates context in understanding how a composition comes to embody the form, style, and tone
not sure what this means. also, in part 1, the idea is to focus on circumstance, which you've done to a degree despite repeatedly invoking context
outputs
singular
film adaptation
for what course?
simplicity in film adaptation
what do you mean? are you referring to the adaption of FALILV?
or the
or have
.
understood. but provides a solid rationale for requiring structured writing in college as a preparatory measure
.
so cool you were given this opportunity
goat
lol, it's a long. okay. maybe add a footnote above!
further
cut
unacknowledged
by whom?
my avante-garde faculty
your? do you mean in your major?
goat
do you mean goat, as in g.o.a.t.?
deadline brawls
what's a deadline brawl?
was
why past tense?
literary demands
not quite right, as literary suggests literature, which doesn't appear to be among the things you've been asked to write about
.
take-aways: you appear super comfortable/confident with the genre (which is great) and aware that your audiences has needs; i'm unconvinced by the romance metaphor; maybe you could develop this further by playing around with the on-again, off-again nature of some relationships; you suggests that all love fades (and that it already has once), do you suspect that will be the case in the future?
relieve
relive?
I
me
I = subject pronoun (as in, I kicked the ball) me = object pronoun (as in, Johnny kicked the ball at me)
in phrases without a verb (music videos and i went to the movies), use me
.
take-aways: irony-- for all the talk of choosing and choice, dance doesn't seem like a choice at all, but rather something that has to happen (maybe reflect further on this); also, ironic: the validation of getting into dream school-- all you really needed was to be admitted
The plot-twist of the story I’ve just shared is that I don’t attend the school of which I just told my acceptance story about.
awkward phrasing
I’ve also had people blow off my hard work, expressing that they don’t get what I am doing or how I can let something like dance consume so much of my time, energy, and money.
new paragraph? this seems too important to bury
Truthfully, I felt as though I was facing a decision only containing one legitimate option which ultimately made my decision to continue dancing feel easier than one may imagine, considering the controversy it was laced with.
try simplifying. seems like you're just trying to say that you had no choice but to dance.
.
take-aways: a tale of two tales: accounting major and visit to Oaxaca with camera; considering cutting some of the accounting stuff (maybe all of it) to make more room for your trip to Oaxaca and its significant to you re: making films; you never say explicitly that this trip led to your decision to pursue film - did it?
Moreover, my supervisor always referred to bookkeeping as an intro to accounting so I took their word and decided to pursue a career I had no interest with and potentially spend the next segment of my educational career studying.
Moreover, my supervisor always referred to bookkeeping as an introduction to accounting. So, I took their word for it and decided to pursue accounting-- a career I had no interest in-- and potentially spend several years studying.
white collared professions
white-collar professions
What do accountants even do because isn’t that the career people namedrop to avoid revealing their actual career?
awkward phrasing
offended because she was the first person to care
why offended?
.
What else did you read in addition to Radford? Who populates the discourse community surrounding his work? Who do you agree with? Disagree with? Where does your work fit?
the expectations for writing are a big environmental influencer to me, and I should probably take it easier
do you mean you feel pressure too acutely?
However, I think it was fine for this piece of writing – for some writing, especially for argumentative papers, I would need a quiet environment so my thoughts of the overarching argumentation won’t get interrupted; for this performance analysis, I thought of it as a “piece-by-piece” writing in which I have the “freedom” to be disturbed a bit
long sentence
Guzheng
maybe include an image?
the TA also eased me
it sounds like your TA was part of a writing community
my home country
which is?
His reviews helped a lot in terms of making my thoughts clear
good sentence
I did not have much experience writing alone for other projects or activities.
not sure i follow your logic here
I did not encounter any communities while writing
really? what about the materials you were reading?
The text aligns with many of the feelings and points of view of the community
good analysis of what the paper does. but it lacks info re: discursive contexts. what materials were you reading? what points of view were espoused? what did you agree with? disagree with? where did your work fit in, exactly?
I grew up in San Bernardino County, at the base of the San Bernardino County Mountains
me too
general understanding of how my work was being consumed by others,
good
Our final
new paragraph
Reading
new paragraph?
Besides the previously mentioned environmental factors, I think it is also important to address COVID-19
new paragraph
thinking my work constituted submission
phrasing
.
whoa, this is a massive paragraph
.
lol
.
Try:
over the last two years, my writing practices have changed dramatically. i've gone from relying on the formulaic methods i learned in high school to using the critical and creative methods i discovered after entering college.
witnessed
word choice. seems too passive, as if you weren't involved
.
Good, but you need to include more about the discursive context of your paper. Other than Mumcu himself, who did you engage with while writing/researching? What views did they espouse? Who did you align yourself with? Distance yourself from? Where did your piece fit into the discourse?
rode camels
oh god, really? these people were admitted to USC?
that
who
As a senior in high school, one of the most appealing parts of a college education in the United States was the importance placed on well-roundedness.
As a high-school senior in Turkey trying to decide where to attend college, I found myself attracted to the importance placed on well-roundedness in U.S. colleges and universities.
deadline were still some of my best work
some people work well under the gun
which I would pick the quotes that had the potential for deep analysis and build a thesis around them.
i occasionally do something similar
My favorite type of academic writing has always been literary analysis as my high school English classes put a great emphasis on it
really, it's your favorite kind of writing because your high school emphasized it?
I started going to the Writing Center because I wanted to be the best I could be
cool!
on
word choice. try: by
or, even better, revise the whole sentence: "otherwise, i succumb to imposter syndrome"
I would cut "downward spiral" as "imposter syndrome" 'is already a bit of a cliche. building on a cliche with a cliche is ... maybe not the best move
I am a firm believer that an instructor’s perception of a student significantly influences their judgement of the latter’s work. In an environment where the quality of my writing was not constantly reinforced and I was required to follow a strict formula, my writing wasn’t able to flourish.
These sentences move in different directions.
there were other factors related to this class that led me to produce some of my best writing.
i assume you'll develop this point further in the next paragraph?
had become a prison within itself
maybe a bit dramatic? i mean, what was stopping you from writing as you wished in other contexts?
enough
unneeded
boring waste of time instead of a beautiful form of self-expression
that's a bummer. but to be fair, it's not advertised as a class about self-expression, at least not in a general sense. the aim is to help you produce the kind of writing that will serve you in other college classes. whether that's the correct approach is perhaps up for debate.
teachers who thought me a genius to a professor who had low expectations from the start as English wasn’t my native language.
neither scenario sounds optional for learning
It didn’t take me long to realize that I hated this subject but long enough that I wasn’t able to switch out of it.
the subject, or the materials used in this instance to discuss it?
it
them
.
swinging too much in the other direction
.
eek!
extensively using passive voice
nooooooooo!!!!
lesson
subject
consisted of a style that can be interpreted as
were
.
take-away: more clarity regarding the discursive context. who are the figures you're referring to? what are their points of view? where do you fit in?
Data was vital to my piece, and I used many scholarly articles and government websites as sources to present.
ah, okay. such as?
data-driven
what was the data? where did you get it? who prepared it?
research paper
what did you research, exactly? that is, what materials did you use? who prepared them? what points of view were expressed? or, from what perspective was the material produced?
informative document
i see
present material that can leave anyone with a comprehensive and in-depth understanding of the regions, no matter who the reader is
was the purpose argumentative or informative?
o my rhetoric needed to be as precise
what do you mean by rhetoric, exactly?
A physical presentation
do you mean a powerpoint-type presentation? did you prepare remarks in advance or just following predetermined bullit points?
.
take-aways: different environments and genres were beneficial; phrasing issues, audience awareness/paragraph approach
In addition to my personal growth with my writing while abroad, I also experienced academic growth
In addition to personal growth, I also experienced academic growth while writing abroad.
For instance
new paragraph
and my environment
which
as I created a numbered list of tips and lessons for readers in a structured manner.
typically consisting of numbered lists of tips and lessons
continued
word choice. sounds like it didn't flourish much at all in the Othello class. maybe try: began
pecifically,
this sentence seems misplaced. maybe cut or move it
immediately recall the year
think
we
it depends a little on who "we" is. people in africa have dealt with ebola, for instance
This goes into what voices or points of view this paper would have aligned itself with, being my academic influencers of environmental science professors and the views of the research papers I was directly pulling information from
okay, say more about this. what figures did you engage with? why? from what vantage point were they writing? with whom did you agree? disagree? which figures/arguments did you align yourself with? where did your work fit in?
paper
for what class? was it a proper research paper, or an argumentative paper with a research component?
research papers
this is a genre
sustainable technology
topic, not a genre
An example of a writing from this time period that I chose to look at was one of my freshman year history classes which called for me to choose from a list of set subjects and create an analytical essay from these predetermined research questions
Phrasing. Try: One piece in particular I wrote during this period was an essay for my first-year history class. The assignment required me to choose from a list of subjects and create an analytical essay from predetermined research questions.
write in a new country,
maybe say more. why move here during covid?
whole new country,
coming from where?
research
conduct research
I have had the opportunity to write
I've written
this
can you clarify? to what does this refer?