- Oct 2023
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savannahtoney340page.substack.com savannahtoney340page.substack.com
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.
this piece could use a bit more context. if you'd just transferred to USC, say so. as for writing overthink, it would help to know more about the aspects of process you were aware of and perhaps borrowed from mentors and filmmakers you admire like Ava Duvernay
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That is why in “Overthink” my CTPR 310 short film it was important to me to acknowledge technology and social media, but it was just as important to not get distracted or sidetracked by those elements.
awkward phrasing/word economy:
I acknowledged the importance of addressing technology and social media in Overthink, but recognized, too, the importance of disallowing those elements from distracting or sidetracking me.
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The vulnerability that she was able to make clear in the film, through her characters and dialogue, left me in a beautiful struggle as I attempted to craft a script that would invoke those same emotions in my audience.
one of your better sentences.
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Some might think the story of “Overthink” is somewhat autobiographical, as it tells the story of a young professional trying to manage the realities, struggles and challenges of her first professional job, but in reality, it could be the story of Maya Lin as she described the challenges she faced in bringing her vision for the Vietnam Memorial to life.
word economy:
Some might think Overthink is autobiographical, as it tells the story of a young professional trying to manage the realities, struggles, and challenges of her first job.
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Zadie Smith talks about writers as micro-planners and macro-planners and I would say I’m more in the school of macro-planners. While my script will undergo significant re-writes, each revision builds off of one another in a more linear fashion, not at all like the micro-planner approach which reminds me of old-fashioned paper dolls with lots of options that are interchangeable.
not sure you need to bring smith into it. image someone outside our class reading this paragraph. wouldn't they wonder why you're suddenly talking about zadie smith?
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I knew that if I wanted to be great in the spring semester I would have to start early in my preparation for this class.
To succeed in the spring, I needed to start preparing early.
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Savannah's WP2
Add a title
-
CTPR 310
Did you transfer in? If so, you might clarify
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Ava Duvernay was an inspiration for many of the plot elements because I was so inspired and influenced by her work on the film, “When They See Us”.
great
-
.
i appreciate your efforts to bring class readings into your work, but it's not necessary.
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Some might
new paragraph?
-
started to go
went
OR
as the days passed
-
my
not yours
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My body and my mind had never felt so in sync, and yet by the end of the semester I had experienced a myriad of unsettling and jarring events that tested my mettle and my resolve.
word economy:
My body and mind had never felt so in sync, and yet by the end of the semester I had experienced myriad unsettling events that tested my mettle and resolve.
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My first semester I experienced at the University of South California (USC) was one that tested my fight or flight response.
word economy:
My first semester at USC tested my fight or flight response.
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thomascolglazier.substack.com thomascolglazier.substack.com
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have thought done
??
-
However, surprisingly, the idea that there is one “right” way for acting to be practiced is a common opinion
too much "to be." try:
despite the varied contexts in which actors perform, many commentators believe in a "right" way to practice acting
-
—
when it comes to hyperlinks, i would advise erring on the side of simplicity; use a word or two rather than all or most of sentence
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jakeoswald.substack.com jakeoswald.substack.com
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renewable energy source (RES) policies in comparison to fossil fuel energy productio
why compare policies to production? whose RES policies?
Pashakolaie and his co-authors use data from scientific sources to show Iran's current emission production, cost, and potential savings from sustainable practices. The then describe how this resulted in a cost-benefit ratio of 20% for fossil fuel policies to renewable energy sources.
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.
take-aways: diverse array of sources; some citation errors; annotations maintain objectivity; phrasing issues
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variables
what genre and for what audience?
-
Another
new paragraph
-
is analyzed
why passive?
-
One
new paragraph
-
Part 2
why one massive paragraph?
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Pakistan's national data is analyzed in a table and graph, assessing damages from coal, natural gas, and crude oil combustion.
to what end?
-
They
who's they?
-
p. 100271
page range?
-
"Why Large Companies Care About Carbon Credits." ProQuest, Penton Media, 27 Dec. 2021, www.proquest.com/docview/2614129684?accountid=14749&parentSessionId=cXzASEd8%2FlRD%2Bs0M8K7epfSjvOSnwVQ%2BcXxexM0L2YQ%3D&pq-origsite=primo.
Corn and Soybean Digest (Dec 27, 2021).
-
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, First Environment,
italicize.
what's first environment?
-
Soil Research
italicize
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darcyhatcher.substack.com darcyhatcher.substack.com
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Film and music video director Andrew Thomas Huang (who happens to be a USC Alumni) created a stunning queer short film Kiss of the Rabbit God
You might have brought this influence more to the fore
-
concert committee
I'm not sure you needed to include these reflections on working on/with the concert committee. The essay is at its best when you're talking about photographing musicians and editing your work after the fact
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.
Am I mistaken that you're studying film making? Maybe talk about that in relation to photography, how it's new to you in some ways but not in others
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coordinate a
supply
-
in the
after joining
-
Unconventionally,
cut
-
How To
how-to
-
-
jordanrenvillewrit340.substack.com jordanrenvillewrit340.substack.com
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.
Take-aways:
You use the images you captured at the protest to great effect. But organizational choices undermine this piece's overall effectiveness. --how developed was your process prior to the USC gig? --how important were DeCarava and other journalistic photographers to your process previously and in general? --do you see yourself as primarily a journalistic photographer? if so, how does your process differ -- if at all -- from that of other professional photographers?
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When I woke up the following day, I received many messages from various editors at the paper telling me that there seemed to be an organized protest by the Armenian Student Association that was targeting the very panel that was covering.
wordy:
When I woke up the following day, I received many messages from various editors at the paper telling me that there seemed to be an organized protest by the Armenian Student Association that was targeting the very panel that was covering.
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As you can tell
These images do a lot to demonstrate how raw photographic materials can transform during the editorial process.
-
they tell the same story and have the same principles.
how does the image below relate to your comments re: DeCarava?
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Recently, I have been working on my ability to tell stories through my pictures rather than just depicting what's happening. S
transition seems kind of abrupt
-
arguably
cut
-
private
cut
-
my work
working
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hlee2543.substack.com hlee2543.substack.comWP213
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op-ed where I can explore the many scientific suggestions that I have newly gained while combining my personal take and experience with nostalgia and how it affects my life
What makes now a good time to write about nostalgia? Why an op-ed over other genres?
-
,
no comma needed
-
mediums of
cut
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.
take-aways: diverse array of sources; some errors in citations; annotations maintain objectivity; contain some phrasing issues
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This is a podcast article that portrays nostalgia as a complex emotional experience and highlights its positive role in our self-expression, reconciliation of the past, and human connection.
Host Kaitlin Luna asks psychologist Krystine Batcho about nostalgia as a powerful emotional experience, underscoring its positive role in self-expression, reconciliation, and human connection
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This text was to investigate
investigates
-
leave
create
-
"In Search of Lost Time”.
Italicize novel titles
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Watson, Galadriel. It’s natural to feel happy and sad at the same time. Here’s when it can become a problem.: Feeling ambivalence, which includes nostalgia and bittersweetness, is part of the complexity of being human. But it can be unhealthy if you lean too much toward the negative. ProQuest, Aug 04, 2021, http://libproxy.usc.edu/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/blogs-podcasts-websites/s-natural-feel-happy-sad-at-same-time-here-when/docview/2557940789/se-2.
The Washington Post. Aug 4, 2021.
-
HuffPost,
cut
-
Frontiers,
cut
-
“Does Nostalgia Have a Psychological Purpose? With Krystine Batcho, Phd.” American Psychological Association, American Psychological Association, www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/nostalgia#:~:text=Nostalgia%20by%20motivating%20us%20to,the%20road%20in%20the%20future. Accessed 29 Sep. 2023.
Podcasts
Begin with the title of the episode in quotation marks. Provide the name of the series in italics. Then follow with MLA format per usual.
“Best of Not My Job Musicians.” Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! from NPR, 4 June 2016, www.npr.org/podcasts/344098539/wait-wait-don-t-tell-me.
Corrected version:
“Does Nostalgia Have a Psychological Purpose? With Krystine Batcho, Phd.” Speaking of Psychology from American Psychological Association, November 2023, www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/nostalgia#:~:text=Nostalgia%20by%20motivating%20us%20to,the%20road%20in%20the%20future. Accessed 29 Sep. 2023.
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10 Mar. 2023
9 Mar 2023
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freetobefi.substack.com freetobefi.substack.com
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It is possible that by providing people with stories of regret that they can connect with, they might be moved to act in manners that prevent them from living with the same regrets.
Providing people with relatable stories of regret might motivate them to contend with regret rather than wallow in it.
... act in manners that prevent them from living with the same regrets.
A bit awkward. Revise to clarify your recuperation of regret. Aren't you suggesting that we contend with regret but avoid wallowing in it?
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regret, grief, and gratitude
why? why add regret to the mix? for what purpose?
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I was expecting that I would
I expected to find ...
-
I was wondering
i wondered
-
acceptance
acceptance of and gratitude for
-
1.
take-aways: diverse selection of citaitons; properly formatted; annotations read well overall but contain far too much metadiscourse and self-references
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This text inspired me
we discussed the need to keep annotations objective in class
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In her researched. Brown
in her research, brown discovered ...
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Brené Brown is one of my favorite authors. I discovered her work during a time of my life I was, as Dr. Brown would say, “face-down in life’s arena.”
remove references to yourself
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garykizir.substack.com garykizir.substack.comWRIT WP210
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.
take-aways: lots of solid sources (largely academic); citations look good (some errors exist); annotations have variety and generally read well, but occasionally include personal opinion
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op-ed the best genre because I do not want the work to be unnecessarily academic and thus unintelligible for casual readers
do you see yourself writing primarily to lawyers and those interested in law?
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lawyer’s persuasive and rhetorical skills in relation to AI
the absence of this work is an opportunity for you
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Because I plan on becoming a lawyer, this comment sparked my interest
this explains the use of Aritotle
-
Harris, Laurie A. Generative Artificial Intelligence: Overview, Issues, and Questions for Congress. [Library of Congress public edition]., Congressional Research Service, 2023.
what is this? a book? a report?
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I disagree
remember, our objective in WP2 was to craft objective annotations useful to both ourselves and other scholars who might have an interest in our topic
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Rex, Peter. “A Moral Framework Will Protect Humans from the Dangers of Artificial Intelligence.” Opposing Viewpoints Online Collection, 2022.
Is this a page from a website?
-
FCM model was unnecessary
how could they have made their argument without it?
-
Aristotle. On Rhetoric: A Theory of Civic Discourse. Translated by George A. Kennedy, Oxford University Press, 1991.
interesting choice. what impact might it have on your wp3?
-
.
Formatting issues
-
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ameliajibilian.substack.com ameliajibilian.substack.com
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health advocacy through an informational essay or a multi-media analytical essay
this could work, too. maybe an online magazine article or post on a blogging platform like medium or substack
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policy brief.
sounds good. to whom? what policy initiative might you advance?
-
The normalization of mental illness and better accessibility to treatment has had a significant influence on decreasing the criminalization of the mentally il
can you illustrate this decrease statistically?
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the
cut
-
when researching this topic
cut
-
on
awkward
-
always
always?
-
,
unnecessary
-
r
take-aways: solid selection of sources; well formatted citations; thorough annotations; phrasing issues (wordiness, passive voice)
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were passed
why use passive here?
-
It is common for many individuals with mental health issues to develop substance abuse issues.
Individuals with mental health problems often develop substance abuse issues.
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legal communities
which ones?
-
illustrates the societal perspective on
discusses
-
Rebecca
cut
Campbell examines how ...
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has been debated
why passive voice? try:
This topic comes up often in discussions of child abuse and domestic violence in family court.
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is
occurs
-
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gabedouglas.substack.com gabedouglas.substack.com
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I think that a multimedia essay
an online magazine article or post on a blogging platform like substack or medium
-
myself,
cut
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covering how specific subsections of the industry operate and gaining the knowledge necessary to enter the industry competitively
awkward: verbs covering and gaining apply to different subjects (one merely implied)
-
.
take-aways: a solid selection of sources; well formatting sources; annotations focused despite being somewhat wordy and very repetitive structurally
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The author discusses the negative effects TikTok has on the music industry. Baiver claims TikTok is ruining authenticity and allowing low-quality songs to top the charts.
Word economy: The author argues that TikTok has had a negative impact on the music industry by allowing low-quality songs to top the charts.
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The article
aim for more variety in sentence structure; nearly every sentence here begins the same way
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colemcmahon.substack.com colemcmahon.substack.com
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t.
sounds great. maybe an online magazine article or article on a blogging platform like substack or medium
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I am much more motivated to continue researching this product.
great!
-
The final main discovery I made was how vapes have been
wordy
Finally, I was shocked to learn about the unethical marketing techniques vape companies use to attract teenagers.
-
cigarettes
comma
-
and lead to
with
-
text
add comma
-
.
take-aways: solid selection of sources; excellent citations; thoughtful annotations showing main point, strengths, and weaknesses; phrasing issues (too much "to be," lots of passive voice)
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The article weakened because of its lack of exploration into whether vaping is a better option than smoking health wise.
Awkward phrasing: The article weakened because of its lack of exploration into whether vaping is a better option than smoking health wise.
The article fails to explore whether vaping is healthier than smoking.
-
is examined
why use passive voice here?
-
The need for stricter regulations on vaping products is the text's main argument
object before subject; weak linking verb; consider restructuring:
The authors argue in favor of stricter regulations on vaping.
-
ProQuest, https://doi.org/10.1057/s41271-019-00193-2.
Was the "full text" of article available here?
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maanyamedapa.substack.com maanyamedapa.substack.com
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the intended audience being stakeholders in global mining industries
when you say international community and stakeholders in global mining, who are you talking about?
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I also encountered challenges in finding research on alternative approaches to lithium extraction.
new paragraph?
-
highlighted
this verb and "outlined" show up a fair amount
-
.
take-aways: solid selection of sources; some citation errors; annotations maintain objectivity but require more thorough editing
-
This has reflected a lack of indigenous consultation by governments and private entities responsible for these violations. Argentina however, addressed self-determination and recognized indigenous sovereignty over ancestral territories.
seems like you could cut these sentences
-
This
to what does "this" refer?
-
, complemented by urbanization,
cut
-
Mining and Natural Hazard Vulnerability in the Philippines: Digging to Development or Digging to Disaster?
a book? why the question mark? italicize book titles
-
Africa is a continent that has been exploited for its abundance of natural resources. Chapter 5 of this book explores the pollution in Zambia caused by hazardous mining conditions in the Copperbelt.
may cut (depending on factors noted elsewhere)
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Chapter 5
Are you citing a single chapter only or the whole book?
-
gude, J., & Mushonga, T. (Eds.).
are these the authors of the article of editors of the book?
-
Journal of Cleaner Production
italicize journal titles
-
Here, Bell outlines
in what way does Bell "outline"?
Bell argues OR Bell insists
-
Alessia,
no need to number entries using MLA
-
-
arshiaparvaz340.substack.com arshiaparvaz340.substack.com
-
t.
where will you take your research next?
-
There was a lot of craze when real estate gurus first started hearing about this.
awkward phrasing; tonally out of step with most of your reflection
-
It was beneficial to learn
i benefited from learning ...
-
is now
becomes
-
doing this paper
odd phrasing. does one "do" a paper? also, this assignment isn't really a "paper"
-
.
take-aways: a solid selection of sources; mostly formatting properly (some errors); annotations mostly structured in a repetitive way; room for improvement re: phrasing (to be and passive)
-
This is an ongoing debate whether employees should return to the office; does productivity increase in-person or at home?
Create a new sentences rather than join a question to a statement
-
Class A buildings are top-of-the-line buildings that are modern-looking and up-to-date with current technology. Class B and C buildings are more run-down and dated with much higher vacancy rates. This is where most of the environmental issues and violations are found.
Too much "to be" in these sentences. Your wordiness will lessen we you prioritize active verbs.
-
From this, it is assumed that companies' desire for employees to be in-person will not be prioritized.
Lots of passive voice here. assumed by whom? prioritized by whom?
-
“COVID Continues to Weaken Office Market.” Gale Library, 4 Nov. 2020, go-gale-com.libproxy1.usc.edu/ps/i.dop=ITBC&u=usocal_main&id=GALE%7CA643304441&v=2.1&it=r.
cite the journal, not the database:
Real Estate Weekly(Vol. 66, Issue 2)
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sofiapires.substack.com sofiapires.substack.com
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The Making of "Roots" Short Film
a bit awkward. try:
writing roots writing my short film, roots
-
“One Hundred Years of Solitude”
novel (use italics)
-
Due to the fact that I am only a student and still practicing my screenwriting skill, I know that conventions of traditional screenwriting had served me in the past and was a good platform to begin.
good
-
I couldn’t have found a more true image for my vision than that.
it would be useful to know: 1) some basic information about how your write (at night, in the morning, in spurts, in single sittings -- do you micro manage or macro plan?), and 2) how your approach to writing resembles or differs from that of gerwig and others you admire
-
.
you've got two paragraphs crammed into one, here. develop each further
-
Since
new paragraph?
-
Greta
overly familiar?
-
a
and have a
-
This narrative serves as a catharsis and representation of my identity as a Bolivian woman and daughter to a mother. It felt important to me to use this film to write about something I felt needed to be told, but also that other people would be able to resonate with, or at the very least, to learn from.
can you elaborate on this? how does your national heritage figure into the story?
-
What does she wear in the wrinkles of her face that she does not speak of?
what stories do the wrinkles on her face tell that she can't speak of?
-
This is a story about a 19-year-old girl named Alma and her mother Maria, who she has trouble seeing eye-to-eye with at times.
phrasing:
It's about a 19-year-old girl named Alma who often has trouble seeing eye-to-eye with her mother, Maria.
-
My most recent work was a short film screenplay called “Roots”, about 10 minutes long.
phrasing:
Recently I completed the screenplay for a 10-minute film called Roots.
-
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justinbest340page.substack.com justinbest340page.substack.com
-
present-day characteristics of Foucault’s biopolitics
what do you mean by this?
-
.
why? why now? why "parallels"?
-
my following watches
awkward. try: subsequent viewings
-
.
compelling annotations; solid citations overall (some minor errors)
-
.
page range?
-
heuristic t
not a heuristics. a maxim, perhaps
-
Foucault, Michel. 2014 [1979]. The politics of health in the eighteenth century. Foucault Studies, 113–127.
is this an essay from an edited volume? a republished book?
-
, et al.
why et al? the text's if foucault's. david macey translated (i believe)
-
-
charliefaragherwrit340.substack.com charliefaragherwrit340.substack.com
-
place.
contextual details that would further enliven this piece: who are your heroes? how do they prep? how different is your process/approach from theirs? do freelance musicians have conventional wisdom? if so, what do you acknowledge? what do your dismiss?
-
songs that you are still shaky on showday
... songs that you're still unsure about on showday ...
-
I know what you’re thinking- we’ve done all this work and still haven’t gotten to the day of the show…
unlikely, given that you're writing to other musicians or to people interested in how musicians work
-
we wasted
who's we? the audience doesn't know what band you're talking about
-
At a rehearsal, you want to be solely in phase 3, so you have to master the first two stages.
at rehearsal, you want to me in phase 3, which means mastering the first two phases beforehand.
-
I listened to a podcast that first call bassist Sean Hurley did where he told the story of getting asked to do a show the day before
The amount of time you have to prepare can vary from a couple months to a couple weeks to, literally, a couple hours. On a recent episode of Corey Wong's podcast Wong Notes, first-call bassist Sean Hurley told the story of getting asked to do a show the day before, flying to the venue, and playing the music with the band for the first time on stage. Stories like this one aren't uncommon among freelance musicians. I've faced my own share of time constraints preparing for gigs while simultaneously managing things I'd already committed to in life aside from the gig.
-
This entire piece is from the perspective of a freelance musician: I am not writing this as the headlining artist, but rather the sideman hired to play someone else’s gig.
I would establish this earlier
-
No gig
single event?
-
gig
explain how you're using this term. a gig could be a place in touring band, membership in a band, or single event, etc.
-
playing a gig
maybe expand slightly: preparing for and play a gig
-
requires so many hats
wearing
-
I have been asked to discuss my approach to music.
You could cut this sentence
-
ShareI have been asked to discuss my approach to music. Because being a musician requires so many hats, I have decided to focus on the craft of playing a gig.
clarify that you're writing from the perspective of a side-man or "hired gun" as opposed to an ensemble members (anyway, I presume this is the case)
-
-
averykay.substack.com averykay.substack.com
-
Including the primary source of Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement speech and numerous articles' exploration of innovative entrepreneurs
long subjects like this one appear a fair amount in your writing (sprawl)
-
The op-ed design combines the need to address both structural limitations and cultural norms impacting female entrepreneurship by calling on insights from academic research, personal accounts, and societal evaluations.
consider who you wish to write for? women with an interest in business?
-
unraveling
word choice?
-
extraversion
but perhaps not conscientiousness
-
Numerous articles I explored centered around this concept, and I now know these five traits provide a valuable lens for analyzing an entrepreneur's behavio
why do you think this is the case?
-
different personality traits females and males possess
why essentialize gender in this way? what's the rationale for doing so?
-
The frontier of my knowledge had yet to explore
odd subject choice. does the frontier of your knowledge have agency?
-
disparities in cognition between men and women
are there disparities? fundamental differences in cognitive abilities? seems problematic
-
my perception of this topic was limited
redundant
-
and the core drivers behind the gender gap in this field
why and? two separate issues or are they related?
-
network.
take-aways: mostly solid citations (some errors); diverse annotations; some peculiar phrasing
-
proportion
number
-
outlines steps
seeks
-
Somdutta
cut
-
.
unneeded
-
This article examines females' challenges, including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and societal expectations, to analyze the underrepresentation of women in entrepreneurship.
This article links women's marginalization in entrepreneurship to challenges they face including low self-esteem, pessimism, fear of failure, and unfair social expectations.
-
tradition
is it a tradition?
-
Steve Jobs delivered a captivating commencement speech at Stanford in 2005, sharing personal experiences and life lessons
nice sentence
-
male-typed images
what's a male-typed image?
-
It is found
by whom?
-
Examining the influence of entrepreneurship program advertisements on women's intentions
Sprawl -- long subject leads to a weak linking verb
-
lower appeal
lower appeal to whom?
-
sociocultural aspects
such as?
-
the study challenges the biological attribution of gender disparities in risk-taking propensity
what does this mean?
-
organizational
in what sense?
-
-
daniellegarza.substack.com daniellegarza.substack.com
-
dualities
It would help to clarify the difference, if any, between comparison and duality. Having two equal but opposed ideas, elements, features present in your work doesn't necessarily have to involve comparison.
-
-
gabrielladiaz.substack.com gabrielladiaz.substack.com
-
Taylor and Francis Online, 21 June 2012. https://doi.org/10.1080/10510974.2012.674618.
Cite journal not database
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10510974.2012.674618
Wood, Megan M. & Linda Baughman. "Glee Fandom and Twitter: Something New, or More of the Same Old Thing?" Communication Studies, 63:3, 328-344, DOI: 10.1080/10510974.2012.674618
-
-
josephinemo.substack.com josephinemo.substack.com
-
“Ask the Developer Vol. 8, Fire Emblem Engage-Part 1,” News - Nintendo Official Site, Nintendo, 19 Jan. 2023, www.nintendo.com/whatsnew/ask-the-developer-vol-8-fire-emblem-engage-part-1/. Accessed 21 Sep. 2023.
This looks like an EasyBib citation (because it contains errors)
Lundman, Susan. “How to Make Vegetarian Chili.” eHow, www.ehow.com/how_10727_make-vegetarian-chili.html. Accessed 6 July 2015.
Use this template:
“Athlete's Foot - Topic Overview.” WebMD, 25 Sept. 2014, www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/tc/athletes-foot-topic-overview.
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-
brycer.substack.com brycer.substack.com
-
I used BandLab free Mixing and Mastering tool to get the result I needed.
maybe say a bit more about this
-
Making the Dish Sound Good
straining the metaphor
-
The next step that I took was to add some digital touch to create ambience and additional context for the son
Next, I add some digital touches to create ambience and additional context for the song.
-
it “
add article "the"
-