An article in the New England Journal of Medicine links vaping with other risky behaviors

admirable

or, it may be that the artist is unaware

replace with: ... Professor of Environmental Medicine, Kayla Rae Farrell ...

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Replace with something like: References to vaping also appear in popular music where artists such as Drake romanticize the practice.

colon

Take a brief moment to explain who Huberman is and why his view matters

New sentence: The tendency ...

youth's

no need for double punctuation

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unnecessary metadiscourse

what does this citation correspond to?

If you or a loved one are among these users, you deserve to know what is happening.

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i will also examine evidence that unravels ...

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maybe add a paragraph wrapping up your thoughts. also, while the products you discuss are celery juice, mudwtr, and ashwagandha, your opening promising something more expansive

into

start new sentence

why expected?

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dipped

circular. edit for concision

i would advise seeking out and incorporating more evidence about voters driving our troubled politics. maybe check out Ezra Klein's book Why We're Polarized as well as commentators like Jonathan V. Last who have written and spoken (on podcasts) about the problem of voters seeking solutions without having a firm grasp on the issues

Not sure this example quite works. Yes, campaigns could exploited televised debates, but media consumption in the 1960s looked a lot different than it does now: far fewer networks and news sources

to what does "this" refer?

and "they" are?

incite the mass to do what?

what do you mean "the country" has?

unnecessary meta-discourse

you might want to acknowledge content moderation (or lack thereof) and algorithmic distribution of (mis)information. but yes, voters seem to desire certain kinds of political actors and actions

but by writing a college essay you've limited your audience to a professor and perhaps a few classmates. you can take argumentation into other genres, such as magazine articles, op eds, etc.

very jarring transition

developed by? distributed by? overseen by?

on a website like

this reads like a thesis, potentially setting up an argument about how "cultural competence" hasn't solved all the problems associated with acknowledging cultural difference in health care

if you don't aim to develop this point further, why bring it up-- especially at the beginning of your piece?

clarify that the term relates to the health care space

maybe expand with a subtitle to provide readers with a sense of what the piece is about

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There's a tension in this piece: sometimes it wants to be a review, other times it wants to be a feature or profile; elsewhere, it wants to be a blog post

She debuted the song on Jimmy Fallon, performing for first time without a backing band; the performance received a lot of praise.

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create a new sentence

are

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You don't need to include in-text citations

Soon family friend Jon Cohen of Fader Label became her manager and shortly thereafter Clairo released an EP and, later, her debut album Immunity ...

fragment

word choice

and "by the time ...

burst onto the scene

began adding

covers

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?

everyone?

While this journey leaves me feeling quite content on the other side, many other listeners prefer her first record ...

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take you on a

maybe go a little farther to create a memorable title

a rough transition. what happened to your discourse on unpaved roads?

create a block quote for citations of this size

watch out for long, abstract subjects like this one. it's form of sprawl that delays the verb (here, just a weak linking verb) creating a confusing reading experience

a bit clunky. this seems like a crucial moment; best to spend more time fleshing out this sentence

a different kind of racism, though, aimed at latinos instead of african americans

citation needed

All these examples are from 2018, right?

citation needed

Despite losing, Ring’s campaign put up a formidable fight, showing that her message had considerable appeal among Coastal Georgian voters. The tone of her campaign and the ideas she advanced are precisely what's needed to move beyond the tired racial held over from yesterday's Republican Southern Strategy.

Ring succeeded in getting voters (such as myself) from across the political spectrum who cared about local problems to knock on doors and hit the polls ...

simplify by using last names after full names have been introduced

Some citations contain errors

an excellent idea

This is the language of review. Your piece has more in common with this review than an op-ed

IGN has op-eds? Reviews, yes-- lots of them.

how do you know?

op-eds don't typically include many photos

Why include yourself in the view?

use colon

this title suggests you're reviewing the game

the piece you've written seems more like a blog post

what makes you think op-eds have a free flowing structure?

did you read the genre description linked to on the assignment sheet?

New paragraph

some issues here

Another title for this piece could have been: "Why All the President's Men Couldn't Be Made Today." Rather than thinking of this piece as a review of the film, which it really isn't, you could approach it as an analysis seeking to answer questions like:

1) did ATPM impact the popularity of journalism? 2) if so, did that happen as a result of casting two huge (and very hansom) stars? 3) the ATPM, the journalists seek to uncover government corruption; Americans love to hate their government-- did audiences respond because to feed into their fantasies about nefarious political actors? does the film put into relief the extent to which mainstream journalists are not suspected of defending government?

Maybe not everyone

You're assuming it did-- that there is a causal connection between ATPM and confidence in journalism.

RT isn't an index of how well the film was received in 1976; use contemporaneous reviews

?

Probably more those who haven't. Reviews are evaluations and recommendations-- should readers see the film or not?

fragment

such as?

The final section in which you describe Adele's performance is the strongest part of the piece. Things that seems oddly absent include: reference to her prior performances (how different from her tour dates); to what extent has the show been overshadowed by U2 at the Sphere; how does her show invoke Vegas divas of the past; how does Adele's spectable differ from that of other modern divas (like Taylor)?

Definitely an unnecessary inclusion

I'm unconvinced you need all this lead up for a performance review; at minimum, I would advise condensing

could probably be cut

it's unclear what the problems are and how pressing. again, one would expect to reports of misuse, case law, and perhaps research conducted by law professors

From whom?

doesn't this statement undermine jury trials generally?

One would expect to see more case law examples where defendants entered a defense plea

Not sure a policy brief to the President of the US is the right place to cite a YouTube video

American context

American judicial guidelines?

Prior to US founding. Is this English law?

Condense and include in ES

Normally one wouldn't include this info in the executive summary. Here, one would expect to see an introduction to the topic and a preview of the policy argument to come.

be specific: listening to those songs with my mom

sharing with me

the memories exist in the present: involve

fondest

what's clear: the topic of this piece is NewJeans; they have several songs and vidoes that remind you of music/fashion that remind you of the aughts

what's less clear: what, exactly, about Y2K (or the late 1990s) are they invoking? how, exactly, are their songs reminiscent of TLC and Destiny's Child (from 1999)? how do summer crushes and lonely winters invoke Y2K?

Op-eds advance a clear stance on an issue usually in the first sentence; they quickly clarify why the issue at hand is important; they engage with counter arguments; they usually aim to compel readers to take some kind of action or adopt a way of thinking.

In what ways is the piece you've written an op-ed? It seems more like a piece aimed at introducing NewJeans to readers and explaining why you find them enjoyable. It could be an autobiographical reflection in which you explore your love of NewJeans, or, with some changes, it could be a magazine feature or profile

Did you imagine yourself writing for the DT?

what guidelines did you follow, exactly?

so, did you settle on an op-ed? or is it a longer form opinion piece? written for an online newspaper? or a blog?

This set up sounds more suitable for a film analysis than a review

Spike Lee made Glory?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glory_(1989_film)

Let's look at this review of Da 5 Bloods

From the WP3 assignment sheet: The work you choose to review must be recent—no more than a year old

More than one?

Why include insert yourself into your review in this way?

Are you writing to filmmakers? Why?

citation?

https://www.fec.gov/help-candidates-and-committees/candidate-taking-receipts/contribution-limits/

Who's the "we" you're addressing?

Good question. And for whom does it matter?

inflection point?

impede

Sentences like this suggest you're writing for an audience other than your peers

and yet, in the US, support among non-white voters for Trump's reelection grow higher and higher

this has grown much more complication over the last 8 years

in what part of the country?

maybe this bit is unnecessary

two major political parties

polarization

Like a reading journal?

what's an example of an academic-style blog?

whoa

what if they're poor?

okay, but weight gain relative to limited food resources seems like a different conversation that they one you wish to have about body positivity discourse, which seems accompany a certain degree of privilege

Easier said than done

?

in order for this, your main argument, to persuade readers (whoever they may be), you need, first, to provide them with ample evidence, not only that such a notion exists, but that it its influence is felt on a scale that warrants sounding the alarm as you do here

Add a subtitle to provide readers with a sense of the article's contents

you need to show clear evidence that these things exist. who's responsible/involved? how widely accepted?

lots of unnecessary metadiscourse

which ones? maybe cite at least one?

citation?

citation?

page number (this is a journal article)? have you draw all these stats from this article? also, is the idea here to write a persuasive college essay, presumably for a prof? why not a public facing document?

this piece seems designed for public, rather than professional or academic, consumption

a call to action

doesn't this piece implicitly argue this point?

citation

The transition to Nestle seems arbitrary

citation?

Maybe say more. The activities you mention above regarding Guatemala took place in the mid-20th century, nearly 80 years after its founding. What early days are you talking about? What exactly do you mean by "early days"?

An implicit argument has already emerged: namely, one shouldn't trust Chiquita

this is inaccurate

not all essays are academic, nor need they be formal in an academic sense

what's the difference between making points and asserting claims?

create new sentence and elaborate

what does this mean?

information essays don't assert claims

There are some issues here. Did you refer to the citation handout I provided?

A better title might have been, "What Glee Means to Me." This piece is very much an autobiographical reflection that zooms in on the aspects of Glee that appear to have affected you the most. It works as a blog post. Some aspects of the piece seem underdeveloped, such as 1) the section on cast member deaths and whether or not, in such situations generally, those responsible should end production, and 2) the notion of shame regarding your Glee fandom-- it's never entirely clear why you (or anyone else for that matter) should feel ashamed of your fandom.

The lingering question, now, is of course-- what's next? In what way do you wish to re-imagine this piece for WP4?

what do you mean by this?

awkward

Not sure you need this.

characters

replace with "accepting"

the growing pains her character experienced? that the show dramatized?

in

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There are some issues here. Did you use the citation handout I distributed?

the problem is that these people lack large amounts of disposable income. influencers are economic stimulators; they appeal to people with money to spend

you need to show evidence that soft life was something other than a modest relaxation of responsibilities available to people who can afford to relax

what do so-called influencers do? they persuade people to use certain products, adopt certain practices (usually involving products). The influencer phenomenon is inextricably tied to capitalism

citation needed

is it, though? who says so?

all associated with bourgeois living, with a degree of privilege

but isn't soft linked to class? to a certain level of financial success? it's not like day laborers are worried about soft life, right?

lots of assumptions here re: gender, what it means to BE, feeling forced to operate within capitalism, etc.

avoid using basic dictionary definitions. it's a move that screams high school. define your terms yourself. include definitions if your piece is about definitions or if your dealing with a word's etymology. in that case, use the OED

in the US?

what is supreme capitalism?

this sentence comes out of nowhere. what's your sources for this info?

why not a series of blog posts, then?

see this link provided on the WP2 & WP3 assignment sheet

Takeaways: 1) The overall tone here is very bloggy, which seems strange given that the assignment explicitly asks you to: "Imagine a respected publication focusing on music, film, dance, theater, fine arts, or some other artform has invited you to review a creative work of your choosing." 2) There's way too much focus here on the Jungle's music videos, especially the one for "Back on 74" (sometimes your review reads more like a hype piece for the videos on TikTok and YouTube). 3) Your paragraphs are well-proportioned 4) Adding links to works by other artists is a nice touch; doing so hits situate Jungle's sound and seems geared to draw fans of those artists to Jungle's work 5) But as an album review, your piece lacks depth, and seems preoccupied with the visual aspects of Jungle's work. Readers will likely come away from this review with a much clearer sense of Jungle's videos (and the dancers they work with) and their general similarity to Anderson Paak or Calvin Harris than of the album itself.

Too much time on this topic

Okay, but it's probably enough to mention their music videos and link to them (as you have). At this point, given that your stated aim is to review Volcano, best to get on with it.

who's left alone, the man or the woman?

Are you proofreading your work?

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a bit awkward. you could probably take a simpler approach to making the point you're after in the paragraph. something like:

Typically I avoid exposure to new music on TikTok; it's just not my thing. But recently i happened upon a video for "Back on 74" by Jungle and my heart skipped a beat.

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