- Feb 2024
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joeynewell.substack.com joeynewell.substack.com
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Many
new paragraph?
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is often overlooked
by whom?
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One essay I was particularly proud of was
too much "to be"
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In the course I took instead,
the lower-level course?
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kkatelynsmith.substack.com kkatelynsmith.substack.com
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My goal was to show my passion and drive for achieving a higher education and what I would contribute to the program for the rest of my career.
how? what was your understanding of the context? the conversation you were entering into? How did you position yourself with that conversation?
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My intention with this writing was to not necessarily persuade the reader’s I should be accepted into the program, but rather show them I am passionate about this and genuinely want to learn more about pursuing a marketing career.
phrasing. let's edit this together:
My intention with this writing was to not necessarily persuade the reader’s I should be accepted into the program, but rather show them I am passionate about this and genuinely want to learn more about pursuing a marketing career.
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I began the paper with a question, “Coke or Pepsi?”.
Good. Showing as well as telling.
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academic promotional genre
not really a thing. the genre is: personal statement
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c,
no comma needed
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literature
literature is fiction, poetry, plays, etc.
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The video essay was uniquely challenging from a written essay as you could not sit there and edit mistakes or take your time thinking about what to produce. Sure, you were granted unlimited attempts to reproduce the video, but I found having to restart this process continuously took an ample amount of time.
how are you defining video essay, here? did you improvise? or read prepared remarks?
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apply.
you leave this matter unresolved. consider excluding info you're unprepared to expand upon
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, however
use:
; however,
when following a complete sentence
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Applying for Graduate Schools
here's another jarring shift
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but not as a student-athlete
this is news; readers may find this surprising/jarring
-
I faced during this paper
cut
-
Most interestingly,
cut
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We were assigned
new paragraph?
-
students were told to write as if they were having a continuous conversation, where there is no direct beginning and end of paragraphs
can you elaborate?
also, consider avoiding the passive construction here.
-
was being required
consider revising this passive construction
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The hardest change for me was to totally erase the typical literature I had known for years and transform it into a story for the consumer's enjoyment.
not sure i follow your meaning
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From essays to press releases and memorandum’s, I was writing for a different purpose than an academic paper
awkward phrasing:
From essays to press releases and memorandum’s, I was writing for a different purpose than an academic paper
-
…
no biggie, but place a space before ellipses start
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I have never considered myself a great writer, let alone a good one
Transpose:
I have never considered myself a good writer, let alone a great one.
When using this formulation, start with the more modest adjective.
Also, consider moving this sentence elsewhere; it doesn't quite connect with the remainder of the paragraph.
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After the three of us fought personal battles with Biology, my brother, sister, and I learned STEM did not run in our blood.
a bit confusing. maybe keep the focus on you in order to clarify where we are in the timeline.
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My life
Cut
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michaelsullivan264.substack.com michaelsullivan264.substack.com
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The point of view I’ve expressed throughout the piece is mainly those of a fan engaging with a work, and that of a student of film and screenwriting
okay, but what are the contours of the discourse surrounding visual design in TESB? what's the conventional wisdom? what are the prevailing points of view? the debates? the figures animating these debates? where, specifically, do you fit in?
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As a writer, I have come to trust my instincts as a writer,
how about as an editor?
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was
wow. so much "to be"; so many passive constructions
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After
another massive paragraph. ACK!
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Moving forward, I intend to make a change, approaching any writing I do with the same level of enthusiasm and care that I would my fiction writing.
nice save.
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This can be reflected in the paper, where the analysis focuses primarily on these two themes
can be reflected?
focused on those themes to what end? what do you mean can you elaborate? maybe show and discuss some of what you composed?
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These essays, the first example of which being my final research paper in Intro to Cinema in which I analyzed the development of the Thriller genre with the comparison of two films, one classical and one modern
These essays, the first example of which being my final research paper in Intro to Cinema in which I analyzed the development of the Thriller genre with the comparison of two films, one classical and one modern -- **where's the rest of the sentence? **
revision (still needing a verb/object): These essays, such as my final research paper for "Intro to Cinema" in which I analyze the development of the Thriller genre by comparing two films, one from the 1960s and another from the 90s, show ...
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so much of the issues in other courses regarding a lack of research were not as much of an issue
did you read this piece before you submitted it?
... so much of the issues in other courses regarding a lack of research were not as much of an issue
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Screenwriting major, one would expect that writing essays would come naturally
why? screenwriting is COMPLETELY different.
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I wrote four
new paragraph
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better educate myself on social issues
not really the job of the course, though. these themes comprise discursive contexts within which to write. they're not classes on subjects other than writing.
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When
new paragraph
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It
new paragraph
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clear negative
clearly -- use the adjectival form
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I took
this is a ridiculously long paragraph. looks like paragraph composition wasn't part of your training in other writing classes.
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My time at USC will always be defined by the writing I did while attending the University
word economy:
My time at USC will always be defined by the writing I did there.
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my
the
-
arbitrary or an improper use of my time
the grading criteria you just articulated sounds fairly arbitrary to me
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creates a small pond within a larger ocean where students are surrounded by people who share the same love of film, and all time is spent studying and analysis of every aspect of film, from it’s history and cultural impact to the ins and outs of physical production and screenwriting.
couldn't a student of any major say something similar. especially students with majors within the professional schools?
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Unlike a traditional STEM or Liberal Arts education, SCA
this formulation doesn't work grammatically. you're opening phrase sets up a specific noun phrase:
Unlike a traditional STEM or Liberal Arts education, film studies provides ...
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because of writing
a certain kind of certain. not really the same thing as non-fiction academic or public writing
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larger part of the greater whole
awkward. maybe just say "part of the greater whole."
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often felt
why past tense?
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elisaliberati.substack.com elisaliberati.substack.com
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.
who are the voices within this conversation? what are the contours of the discourse? where do you fit in?
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My chosen vocabulary was particular in how I wanted the piece to be compelling and exciting but read as if I were speaking to the reader in real time.
can you show rather than merely tell?
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In which gymnastics and women are impacted, and those concerned can relate and use my paper as insight and be able to relate.
phrasing. let's look at this together:
In which gymnastics and women are impacted, and those concerned can relate and use my paper as insight and be able to relate.
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very cynical
how do you know? can you elaborate?
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impacted
word choice. try: affected
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How Do We Protect The Innocent
use quotation marks
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our
our?
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perfect personal statement for my USC application
keep this experience in mind. what you've done here is transform a piece written in one genre (a journal entry) into another (a personal statement).
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which I applied for
i don't follow you. you applied for feedback from a tutor?
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I slowly completed my research paper and brought my rough draft to the writing center.
you're still discussing your final paper for Writing 100, right?
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Once again, I left feeling defeated and not ready for college
why not? you're here to learn, after all.
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needed to be improved
needed improvement
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I was passionate and went home that day to begin my research and rough draft.
I was passionate and went home that day to begin my research and rough draft.
revision: I left class that day excited to begin conducting research on my topic and writing a rough draft.
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As a high school junior, anxiously awaiting the beginning of college applications and soon to discover independence and freedom, the rest of my high school experience was taken away
phrasing. i'm a bit lost.
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did momentarily rob
phrasing. try:
... robbed me (and everyone else) of vital life experiences.
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dolsongo.substack.com dolsongo.substack.com
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My formula still serves as a guide when I have no idea how to approach an essay.
lol, why not ASK? why not look into the genres (autobiographical reflection and contextual analysis)?
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So, here I write this three hours before the due date time. I did do one rough draft yesterday
wow. this approach is profoundly disrespectful of educators attempting to work with you in good faith.
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so
Is this supposed to be your Part 2 response?
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myself the energy
why did you lack the energy?
-
Op-Ed only being a few pages really hindered
all genres have conventions
-
ism
cut
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political gridlock left us with watered down laws
vague
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and go against the partisanship of what ails our country
verging on word salad here
-
I understood that my Op-Ed was not the front cover of a New York Times paper,
awkward phrasing
-
including language that made it clear I was speaking emphatically towards the American citizens
what language? why not refer directly to your text to SHOW what you did rather than merely tell?
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reincorporate
word choice?
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since my reference to the Citizenfour film and Einstein’s reflections on capitalism are perhaps not at the forefront of my intended average citizen’s mind.
did you talk to your prof about how to balance assignment requirements with your desire to address "average" americans?
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This limited the scope of my writing to academia again
lol, how does engaging with the ideas and research of others limit the scope of your writing?
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“it is what it is” mentality that neoliberalism defends
how? according to whom? by what measure?
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neoliberalism
i hope you defined this term for your audience of "average" Americans
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and lack
and a lack ...
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more lived experience
more lived by whom?
-
ed
cut
-
stream of consciousness into some structure, yet I still utilized the genre of the Op-Ed to talk more matter of fact
how does this method, which is based solely on your own memory and knowledge of the issues being discussed, providing readers with a more direct take?
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I hoped to speak in a way that could engage with the average American reader suffering the same political apathy I had, and I intended to be more direct than the traditional critiques of America that deviated from its root issues.
phrasing/word economy:
I sought to engage politically apathetic Americans by directly discussing the root causes of America's problems that traditional critiques typically avoid.
what do you mean by "traditional critiques"? can you provide an example? how do such works "deviate" from the root causes (as you see them)?
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to speak more forthcoming
phrasing.
-
consequential to its failure in international affairs
what failures, specifically, are you talking about?
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U.S. failures to address its internal perspectives
what do you mean by this?
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The principle of the course was to hold opinions on domestic and foreign issues
really? to hold opinions?
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mini Op-Ed
op-eds are already pretty mini, are they not?
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presenting facts for interpretation
what's an example of this kind of writing? what genres call for it? when have you produced this kind of writing for an audience?
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squeeze a topic I wanted to address in a limiting prompt
limiting? i thought you said the prompts were vague. doesn't this just come down to you resenting assignments that ask you to support points of view?
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Exploring a genre of writing that could not use the formula
what formula? you mean to school essay formula?
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shaping that into a positive experience seemed disingenuous
why? you're so fortunate. think of the opportunities this experience affords you.
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heavy imposter syndrome
how did imposter syndrome affect your performance in Writing 150?
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I procrastinated to the final day it was meant to be due
tighten. avoid over-reliance on "to be" verbs.
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.
i don't understand the resistance. you're here, you got in. why not trust that the people trying to educate you at USC know what they're doing?
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my work here really did not matter, only the final assignment did
to be clear, it matters a great deal. assignments clearly thrown together at the last minute or that show no engagement with class concepts will earn you lapses in professionalism -- at least in my class.
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or claiming that my opinions were not as prevalent as my use of evidence
prevalent? your instructor lamented the lack of opinion in your writing? really?
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high school, USC refused to let my AP credits
why would it?
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assignments?
yeah, grading contracts don't accommodate the purely transactional point of view your espousing here.
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…
add space before elipses
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what really got me here was my application for the screenwriting program
how do you know? can you elaborate on the conditions? also, presumably this document was non-fiction. what formula did you use to compose it?
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After all, it got me into USC,
oversimplification. surely last-minute, formulaic essays didn't "get you into" USC, otherwise it would be MUCH easier to gain admittance to this institution.
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.
remove
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my essays the day before or the day it
maintain grammatical consistency: essays (pl.) / it (sing.)
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I used this method for everything in high school
Maybe give your reader a bit more context. Autobiographical Reflection gives you enormous leeway; however, readers unfamiliar with the parameters of WP1 would already be lost.
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- Jan 2024
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heidiatlas.substack.com heidiatlas.substack.com
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.
This final paragraph could have provided a unique frame for the whole piece.
Writing was a means to escape when escape was impossible. Now that you've escaped, the purpose of writing seems unfamiliar, questionable. If writing isn't a means of escape, what is it?
-
.
ideally, this autobiographical reflection would examine a handful of the pieces briefly mentioned here. what do they contain? what do they reveal?
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.
ironic. like your mini-thesis submission, this piece bears little resemblance to what the assignment called for, lol.
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influences
on whom?
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one of my most favorite courses I have taken at USC
word economy. keep it simple!
... one of the best classes I've taken at USC.
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.
A good paragraph to focus on re: word economy
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course of these
last
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My dream job was, and still is, a film critic.
phrasing. try:
I dream of becoming a film critic, mainly because I'm a judgemental hater at heart. But that's not to say I'm incapable to praising art that I adore, that speaks to me, that I connect with.
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truly
cut
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as we like to abbreviate it as
cut
-
actually
cut
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considerably less brain-power than reading a book
Ha, there's a great Ursula Le Guin piece on this subject called "The Question I Get Asked Most Often"
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Yes, of course I was a nerd, bullied, low self esteem, the stereotypical agonizing coming-of-age middle school experience…
a bit clunky. maybe clean this up?
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really
cut
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with myself and my life
do you need to say both?
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really
cut
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when I was in high school,
implied (cut)
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Writ 340: Advanced Writing for the Arts and Humanities20 January 2024
you needn't include this information
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vsastry.substack.com vsastry.substack.com
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seeks to invite
why not just say "invites"?
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policing
is this a thing, policing scholars? do you mean sociologists?
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y engaging with notable contemporary and historic policing scholars like Purnell, Lopez, James Kelling, and George Wilson and citing empirical data from Robert Gonzalez and Sarah Komisarow’s paradigmatic study on the impact of community monitoring in crime vis-à-vis Chicago’s Safe Passage program, the paper carves out my philosophical identity
great
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A direct response to Derecka Purnell’s “Becoming Abolitionists,” the paper seeks to expand upon her insights and utilize Christy Lopez’s conception of carceral logic to frame them within the broader context of social justice.
great!
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argument construction paper by genre
do you mean and argumentative essay?
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Perhaps this is more apt: Embrace your identity in everything you compose.
a solid frame. but this piece would hit harder had it addressed some of the aforementioned issues.
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My vocabulary feels richer and more personal, the piece feels more engaging, and the narrative voice is mine
why do you feel academic writing demands you abandon your voice? can you provide an example? show evidence of this being demanded of you? have can you show your reader that this is a real thing and not just vibes?
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Perhaps, this detachment was the culmination of conforming to rigid writing guidelines for 15 years.
you harp on this a lot. why not give your audience a sense of what you would have done differently had it been up to you?
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conventional
genres have conventions.
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Multiple sections were better than anything I can produce now.
can you say more? perhaps show as well as tell?
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inflexible expectations of academia
all genres have conventions. what makes the conventions of, say, the "college essay" more difficult to navigate than those of some other form of writing?
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my major
which is?
-
As I reviewed my research paper about the Supreme Court’s decision in Bush v. Gore, my case analysis on the constraints on the Supreme Court in NCAA v. Alston, my internship application to USC Athletics, and my tribute to Manu Ginobili—an underappreciated icon in the NBA’s pantheon—I noticed a profound difference between some of these works and the words that once captured the unbridled joy of a kid that wanted to tell stories.
why introduce these works devoid of context? put yourself in your reader's shoes: would you understand what was going on in this piece?
-
my
a
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draconian demands
why draconian? what, specifically, makes them draconian demands?
-
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presleygarlock.substack.com presleygarlock.substack.com
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.
take-aways:
--show rather than tell; elaborate; clarify --organization (abrupt shifts between and within paragraphs) --phrasing
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My job in this piece is to convince this person or these persons that I hold these kinds of values, stay true to certain beliefs, and can sufficiently express my passion for the kinds of things they want to bring into their school.
how did you determine that it was your "job" to position yourself in this way?
phrasing -- what makes this a wordy sentence?
My job in this piece is to convince this person or these persons that I hold these kinds of values, stay true to certain beliefs, and can sufficiently express my passion for the kinds of things they want to bring into their school.
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So I wrote about love
why position yourself in this way? what was it about the application that made this approach seem appropriate?
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rather on my creativity and passion for the art of filmmaking relative to who I am as a human being
okay, but you were writing a personal statement, a genre with its own set of conventions that recruiters expect you to know/follow.
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I was not being graded on structure or MLA format
you were graded on structure and MLA format? you should have talked about that in the previous section, as those are unusual bases for assessment.
-
I begin these classes so anxious about the assignments or material to be given but then encounter professors, subjects, or less strictly formatted writing that turns the anxiety into a positive, somewhat enjoyable
so, is the message here that you've learned to relax about writing?
-
Writing in this class was difficult because it required a lot of discussion about myself
why? can you talk about one of the assignments? maybe describe what you did? show an example?
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The deadline came quicker than expected
how did this happen?
-
big writing assignments
what kind of assignment? what did you write? how did you write it?
-
This
to what does "this" refer? abrupt transition from previous sentence.
-
My first demanding writing class here was not in Marshall though, it was one of the two required GEs I decided to take - Shakespeare and His Times. I was the least involved in the writing for my Financial Accounting project which I will go into more depth about. Finally, the most personal writing I ever composed was for my Communication Strategy in Business course.
awkward. why clump these together?
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school of all
what do you mean by "school" here? USC? the BA major? Marshall generally?
-
Philosophy was something I was terrified of but our professor was a cool guy who took the writing of these ancient philosophers and put them into a funny more understandable language to us Gen Z kid
phrasing. try:
Philosophy terrified me, but luckily my professor made the class enjoyable by presenting the ideas of ancient philosophers using funny, more understandable language.
-
I became more comfortable with the subject quickly and by the end of the course, writing was easy.
but in what way was it easy? what did you write? what was easy about it? can you elaborate?
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I loved it
why? can you elaborate?
-
Something I made
what did you make sure of? how did you make sure of it?
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the compositions done at my community college, Moorpark College, and at USC
phrasing. try:
... done at Moorpark Community College and at USC.
-
-
lilygao.substack.com lilygao.substack.com
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.
take-aways:
--organization: the choice to intro each piece, and then discuss each piece using a different category, gets a bit repetitive and tedious.
--tendency to tell rather than show
--phrasing (lessons on word economy will be of interest to you)
-
.
lots of telling, very little showing. what was the conversation you were entering into (the one began by Marshall, by the application committee)? how did you position yourself, specifically, in that conversation?
-
.
could the real difference here be desire? I mean, you really wanted this scholarship. didn't that desire have an impact on your tolerance for rules, limitations, and so on?
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requirements outlined by the scholarship committee
this seems profoundly limiting to me
-
to the promp
which was?
-
The essay assumes a level of understanding and interest in scholarship-related criteria
can you elaborate? show?
-
Its content, tone, and messaging are crafted with the specific intent of resonating with the committee members who will be evaluating and selecting candidates for the Marshall scholarship
how did you determine what committee wanted? how did you position yourself relative to the committee's concerns (what were those concerns)?
-
explicitly tailored for scholarship committees
doesn't this statement contradict your earlier claim about creative freedom? application essays are a genre, too. they have strict conventions and are, arguably, more limiting than some academic writing.
-
shaping the cadence and quality of my wor
how?
-
The voluntary nature enabled a genuine and personalized connection with the reader,
how?
-
showcasing enthusiasm beyond the bounds of academic obligations.
how? what exactly did you do? did it work?
-
characterized by creative freedom
but aren't the stakes much higher? one would think you'd take a more conservative approach.
-
shaping it as a capstone project that required in-depth exploration and critical thinking.
don't just tell. show!
-
The Impact
on whom?
-
.
so far, everything you've only written wind-up material. you could easily jettison all of it.
-
.
why set up your discussion in this way?
-
The first work
new paragraph
-
I'll talk about three important essays that show the different sides of my writing
redundant. you already said this.
-
I'm going to look back at my time in college and think about these essays and how they helped shape who I am as a writer today
why? for what purpose?
-
,
cut
-
show the big changes in my writing
what is that big change?
-
-
nicholaskhalili.substack.com nicholaskhalili.substack.com
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It was an open-ended assignment - I was prompted to choose a topic I was interested in
It was an open-ended assignment - I was prompted to choose a topic I was interested in.
-
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jazmintlopez.substack.com jazmintlopez.substack.com
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Given the nature of the course, research played an important role in writing, however, it acted as supporting evidence rather than the focus of the paper.
Given the nature of the course, research played an important role in writing; however, it acted as supporting evidence rather than the focus of the paper.
-
The point of view that this text aligns with is that research as a whole in the field of psychology is probabilistic
this is the view you agree with, right? who's espousing this view?
-
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gavinflynn.substack.com gavinflynn.substack.com
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There are many types of writing that I have done over the last few years, but there are several significant kinds that are most prominent
let's revise this together:
There are many types of writing that I have done over the last few years, but there are several significant kinds that are most prominent.
-
I used many sources that supported as well as hurt the idea of life on Europa.
such as?
-
both sides of the argument
what are the contours of the argument? what are the major claims? who's making them? and crucially, within the conversation landscape, what piece of real estate do you occupy? and who are your neighbors?
-
that of a
necessary?
-
.
take-aways:
--strong paragraphing
--basically 5-paragraph essay format: intro, random body paragraphs, vague conclusion
--absence of purpose/through line
--phrasing issues (word economy, "to be")
--a tendency to tell rather than show
-
class
cut (category word, with principle of word economy)
-
my
cut
-
.
what did you learn from this experience?
-
The formats of writing I have experienced throughout my years in college have prepared me for various types of writing,
vague conclusion
-
I had learned to break away from the five-paragraph essay.
to do what instead?
-
my Writ 150 professor deconstructed the five-paragraph essay format and introduced me to the idea of other forms of writing.
such as?
-
The similar environment is reflected in my work.
but how?
-
One of our first assignments focused on parts of our high school experience and my final product was very much “high school” in quality
why? can you elaborate? provide an example? show as well as tell?
-
.
Too much "to be"
-
-
nicholasalvarez.substack.com nicholasalvarez.substack.com
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results.
things to work on based on this submission:
--organization/paragraphing --phrasing
-
I can see how it is a call for both action and reflection.
what were the contours of the debate you entered into? what were the major positions being advanced? how did you situate yourself within the debate?
-
The paper begins
new paragraph
-
his
his?
-
worthless.
that seems a bit harsh. have you ever considered rethinking this transactional approach to writing? it seems poised to yield disappointment.
-
there were so many ways in which my ideas were being limited
how? by what? who limited them?
-