3,418 Matching Annotations
  1. Feb 2024
    1. In terms

      New focus: new paragraph

    2. .

      Lots of repetition. Read your work more carefully and make edits as needed.

    3. research a personal essay

      What do you want to say? To whom to you wish to say it? Answer these questions before selecting your genre. You're not research a personal essay; rather, you're familiarizing yourself with a discourse, determining what you have to say in response, identifying an audience, and then selecting a genre.

    1. My purpose was to uncover the actual mechanisms by which AI works in order to evaluate the classical Turing question “Can machines think?” in a modern context.

      interesting, but for what purpose? why invoke alan turing and the turing test (1950) in 2024?

    2. AI can add value

      add value to what?

    3. op-ed on opportunities in AI for young student like myself, and explain practically and technically how I want to innovate using this technology.

      innovate in what context? what kind of college students do you intend to appeal to?

    4. “The sky is blue” so that when I type “The sky is ____” the word with the highest probability of belonging in that space is “blue.” The computer is not inherently intelligent, it is rather brute force going through a decision tree of every possible word in its training set and choosing the most likely outcome.

      nice explanation

    5. A common misconception of nontechnical people is that artificial intelligence is in some way actually intelligent, and it is fact not

      And so, what does this mean relative to the Turning Test?

    6. the most fundamental

      how do you know this?

    7. documentation

      cut?

    8. The report is noted

      by whom?

    9. "Introduction to Natural Language Processing." The MIT Press,

      Italicize book titles, not names of presses

    10. The AI Magazine

      italics

    11. Advances in Neural Information Processing Systems

      A useful journal, it appears

    12. training mechanisms

      training of the AI itself? or those who seek to use it?

    13. technical approaches

      to creating it or using it?

  2. ajjdomingo.substack.com ajjdomingo.substack.com
    1. s

      several hundred words over the limit (1,250); considerable opportunity for editorial application

    2. This book would benefit from having more international opinions on the Philippines with Duterte’s presidency as it would offer insights into how these perspectives perceive the implications of his leadership on a global scale.

      good

    3. An informational essay with an analytical undertone would provide a structured platform to articulate the theoretical frameworks while putting them into tangible applications

      for what purpose? for whose benefit?

    4. populism

      populism's or populist

    5. informational essay or a multi-media analytical work would serve my communicative needs effectively

      i'm not sure i follow you. you want to write an analysis that interprets current political movements (which ones?) through populist perspectives (which ones)?

    6. I don't think my fundamental comprehension of populism has changed much since diving into this topic. Though, what has evolved is my ability to apply populism theoretical frameworks and recognize it in current events. I firmly believe analyzing real-world occurrences and observing how theoretical concepts, ideologies, political practices, etc are applied in the present is more valuable than focusing academia solely on textbooks. The dynamic nature of socio and geopolitical landscapes evolves swiftly, making contemporary analysis more pertinent than studying historical landscapes.

      you could probably cut this passage; not sure what point you're making here

    7. With the discovery, I aimed to analyze how populist frameworks may adopt different mediums in each country, yet consistently retain the same core values

      what do you mean by medium? and what impact did or do you expect medium to have on populism's core values? are they always the same? how could they me, given the two registers of populism you mention in the previous chapter?

    8. However, the duality presented itself that populist politics can revolve around charismatic leaders who appeal to the public to consolidate their own power which causes political parties to lose their importance and has elections as a medium to confirm the leader’s authority, concluding that this is where authoritarianism plays a part.

      which works were most useful in helping you gain this understanding?

    9. .

      i presume this paragraph describes what you aim to do with your research. you've amassed quite an agenda here. at whom do you wish to direct it? through what genre? how can you hope to fit all these elements into a single document?

    10. I then want to broaden the scope by applying populism ideology to current events on an international stage,

      do you mean populist? also, in what way do you intend to apply it?

    11. uprising

      word choice

    12. meticulously scrutinizes the intersectional aspects of populism, focusing on prominent global leaders, media dynamics, and the international ramifications that are derived from populist ideologies.

      This sentence suggests you're describing something you've already written.

    13. My exploration

      what exploration are you talking about?

    14. This passage

      Passage? Isn't it an article?

    15. Asian Politics & Polic

      italics

    1. .

      Lots of summary; next to no assessment. More vigorous editing would have cut down on word use significantly, added much needed stylistic clarity, and created room for assessment.

    2. instructional, informative piece that teaches music artists, managers, or record labels how to grow and arrive at the place they ultimately want to be at in their careers

      I would pick one; doing all three will likely yield a less helpful 5-paragraph essay.

    3. talked about

      There are a number of breaks like this in your submission. What happened?

    4. Reynolds, Andy, and Andy. Reynolds

      Same person

    5. This article discusses strategies for bringing a novice artist to a popular artist

      This article discusses strategies for turning a novice artist into a popular artist.

    6. Source 4

      Unnecessary

    7. It mentions that branding is a set of planned moves that go into creating a strong image. It also stresses that branding is the most important part of the marketing process.

      Okay, but what's your assessment of the article's utility?

    8. is

      cut (typo?)

    9. .

      Edit more carefully to cut down on summary and leave room for assessment.

    10. Apparently, competing in a singing competition is the fastest path to getting a record deal. The next most prominent paths that lead to securing a record deal are releasing music independently and securing a publishing deal.

      Competing in a singing competition is the fastest path to getting a record deal followed by releasing music independently and securing a publishing deal.

    11. Apparently,

      Cut

    12. (in order)

      Cut

    13. It evaluates the best paths to success as a country artist by looking at common trends among successful country artists.

      It's clear from sentence #1 that you're talking about country artists; no need to mention it twice in this sentence:

      It evaluates paths to success by looking at common trends among successful country artists.

    1. an open letter in order to reconcile my experiences as a modern Star Wars fan in the wake of this change in the reputation of the fandom

      For whose benefit? Who's your audience?

    2. it’s clearer than ever that Star Wars is something loved by everyone

      Really?

    3. I believe my research best suits the form of a personal essay or open letter coming from my perspective as a modern Star Wars fan

      Why? What to you want to say, and to whom?

    4. When given the opportunity to choose a topic for the rest of my writing projects within this class, I feared picking a topic I may not find engaging enough to write about in the coming weeks.

      Word economy: When choosing a topic for my remaining writing projects, I feared picking something that wouldn't hold my interest.

    5. .

      Annotations look good, overall. They're heavy on summary; light on assessment

  3. krandonishiba.substack.com krandonishiba.substack.com
    1. I aimed to choose historians and scholars who argued for the classification of Imperial Japan as a fascist state.

      can you identify them (or some of them)?

    2. historical analysis and reasoning were the tools I used to convey my argument and the evidence from the article

      what kind of articles? by whom?

    3. I used language that is academic and analytical because I wanted to contribute my argument in a scholarly way

      can you provide an example?

    4. defend my point of view and thesis statement

      how?

    5. the structure and tone of the paper is argumentative

      you just said this

    6. The tone for the paper is argumentative

      is argumentative a tone?

    7. urthermore, the improvement in my writing skills

      what kind of improvement? how do you know you've improved?

    8. ​In conclusion,

      avoid

    9. ​When doing my writing assignments, my environment plays a significant role in my productivity and ability to focus

      When writing, environment plays a significant role in helping me focus.

    10. Not only were their research articles the foundation of my papers, but their more casual contributions to popular media through the form of podcasts, newspaper articles, and public speaking engagements were a great way to gain a more nuanced understanding of the topic

      but how did these researchers and authors affect your writing?

    11. choosing my topics

      why was this hard? what kind of guidance did you receive? elaborate. don't just tell, show.

    12. The types of articles used in my writing for this class were formal accounts of historical events, politics, and society in Japan Pre-World War I until World War II.

      Can you provide an example?

    13. I found this class and the writing assignments to be less rigid and structured compared to my other psychology classes,

      why? how did you react? what did that entail?

    14. These papers

      Consider showing as opposed to merely telling readers about your past work

    15. ​After my first-year writing class and as my classes became more advanced, the transition from general writing assignments, usually argumentative essays, to research papers was challenging but rewarding, especially when I started writing research papers for my psychology classes.

      wordy

    16. Since the majority of the writing that I do is in an academic setting, the majority of the assignments are required. While the idea of required writing might not be overwhelmingly positive for some,

      This passage greatly resembles what you wrote in the previous paragraph

    17. Overall, my academic writing journey throughout university highlights significant improvement in my writing skills, which motivates me to further refine my writing skills and continue my learning journey.

      You seemed trapped by the college essay format. This assignment asks you to write an autobiographical reflection, a genre that needn't include a traditional introductory paragraph.

    18. More specifically, in university, the variety of academic writing I have done spans from argumentative essays in my first-year writing class to more in-depth research papers in the field of psychology and history

      Since entering university, I've mainly written argumentative essays and research papers. In first-year writing, all four major assignments required students to make persuasive arguments related to one topic or another. And while the pieces I composed for psychology and history required more research, they too ultimately focused on persuading readers that my arguments had value.

    19. the many experiences, challenges, and successes become apparent

      Doesn't this point go without saying? Maybe look for a more compelling to begin?

    20. Krando NishibaWRIT-340Thanks for reading Krando’s Substack! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.Pledge your supportTomkinsJanuary 24, 2024

      No need to include this info

  4. sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com
    1. I first referred to many of the arguments of computer scientists who disagree with me.

      can you show (rather than just tell) how you did this?

    2. This paper directly responds to computer science theorists

      which ones?

    3. It utilizes many recent publications in order to show the importance and significance of the algorithm.

      great. which ones? what are the contours of the conversation you stepped into? what are the main ideas/arguments/debates? who are the major figures? where do you fit in?

    4. One of the main writings that I composed of during college is a five page research paper about the Fast Fourier Theorem.

      the assignment stipulates that whatever writing your discuss in part 2 should not appear in part 1

    5. This intricate process helped me develop the skill of writing simple phrases in a more profound way. It also helped me understand writing in a way that is melodic for the listener

      great. but again, showing would go a long way here

    6. Writ 150 helped me realize that there are other ways of writing my essay that make more sense.

      such as? can you show rather than merely tell?

    7. My professor really liked my paper due to the content but I still believe

      new paragraph

    8. In this essay, I referred

      new paragraph

    9. I don't believe that environmental factors greatly affected my writing.

      new paragraph?

    10. During this time, a

      new paragraph?

    11. To me, writing requires a lot of personal interaction with either the teacher or other students during peer reviews. Online class removed these interactions.

      good. nice pair of sentences

    12. my

      cut

    13. career

      cut

    14. Growing up, I was always someone that was focused on math and science, making writing one of my pronounced weaknesses.

      Growing up, I mainly focused on math and science in school. As are result, my writing skills are a bit less advanced.

    1. Beginning with English 1A, my first literature class that attempted to break the notion that writing classes had to only be based around non-fiction novels, rather it could involve current events, cultural experiences, and overall recenter towards students’ thoughts on a particular topic.

      phrasing. try:

      In English 1A, I learned that writing classes could involve more than composing analyses of canonical novels. Rather, writing could address current events and cultural experiences, and enable students to express views on a variety of topics.

    2. I knew my Professor was knowledgeable regarding the topic but I saw this as an opportunity to prove to myself that I took this class with a goal relating to a larger purpose, to learn more about my culture’s history and the steps it took before reaching what it is today.

      phrasing. let's look at this together:

    3. Sifting through various historical texts, third-party opinions, and various news articles was a grueling task, especially when in a 40-50 page text there were maybe a handful of sentences that would prove to be useful.

      say more about the contours of the conversation. what are the main ideas? the major debate(s)? the major figures? where do you fit in?

    4. For my zooming-in portion, the text I have decided to use is my research paper/argumentative essay I wrote in my Sophomore year that was centered around the principles of Fascism that have left a mark in modern Italian society today

      phrasing. let's look at this together:

      For my zooming-in portion, the text I have decided to use is my research paper/argumentative essay I wrote in my Sophomore year that was centered around the principles of Fascism that have left a mark in modern Italian society today

    5. semester.

      take aways:

      paragraphs-- one idea at a time

      phrasing-- syntax, to be verbs, negative constructions

      elaboration-- showing rather than telling

    6. I cannot count how many times I have read an article from an “expert” and thought “Does this person even watch the sport??”. Not to say that I am an “expert”, but I think even among my friends who have wanted to learn more about soccer and are usually curious to know my opinion on an important match, hiring and firing of managers, and transfer strategies of clubs entering the market.

      can you provide an example?

    7. structure of writing I was taught where we learned how to answer specific questions - and it took me a few meetings with my Professor before I finally landed on a topic I knew I would be passionate about.

      all genres have conventions

    8. On the other hand, English 1B

      new paragraph

    9. non-fiction novels

      not a thing

    10. Writing in high

      new paragraph?

    11. Often we would have in-class writing assignments, that were never the “short responses”

      new focus, new paragraph

    12. t was a process I enjoyed, it

      ... and ...

  5. izabellage.substack.com izabellage.substack.com
    1. .

      say more about the contours of the discourse. how would you describe the conversation (already on going) that you entered? what are the major ideas, arguments, positions? who are the primary figures? where do you sit in?

    2. common.

      take aways:

      structure-- maintaining focus within paragraphs

      detail-- showing rather than telling

      phrasing-- wordiness, "to be" verbs, present progressive tense, passive voice

    3. When going through difficult situations

      new paragraph?

    4. This is always done in a quiet plac

      new paragraph

    5. When I am not personally invested in the issue, I do not exert the drive and dedication to seek out as much information as I can, but complete the bare minimum in order to pass the class.

      Show rather than tell. What does this look like in your writing?

    6. My psychology essay

      For instance, the research essays I wrote for PSYC ??? ...

    7. specifically in my general elective psychology course and my French reading and writing class a few semesters ago

      cut

    8. I published all my works on Medium,

      a requirement?

    9. Before

      new paragraph

    10. For all my essays,

      new paragraph

    11. My Writ 150

      long paragraph

    12. .

      this sentence seems awkwardly placed

    13. And I ought to clarify that writing will always be an important skill, but the extent to and the style in which it is employed will differ given that I am looking towards other professions

      phrasing. try:

      While I still believe in the importance of writing well, how often I write, and in what ways, will depend on the profession I ultimately choose.

    14. the structure

      of the piece? or the industry?

    15. My writing experience can be categorized into either academic or personal.

      cut

    1. Thus, I hope to develop a better understanding of how I can improve my writing and take the initiative in starting writing assignments earlier so that I can actively make progress in my academic writing skills.

      i suspect exposure to more writing genres may help. they all have conventions. it's just a matter of determining to whom you're writing and what genres those readers will most likely engage with. and then learning the conventions in the same way you would for application essays, policy briefs, etc.

    2. .

      in writing about tiktok, you entered into an in-progress, data-rich conversation, one in which participants tend to have strong views. what are the contours of that conversation? here do you fit in?

    3. My arguments and social analysis are followed up by excerpts from my personal research material

      what is personal research material?

    4. grading rubric and deadline

      when were assignments due? how were they assessed? elaborate; show, don't just tell

    5. In comparison to narrative writing, having a key argument and supporting evidence is a writing structure that I am incredibly familiar with and confident in

      you've already said this

    6. If I recall correctly, almost all of my writing assignments were last-minute works that I did not find reflective of my best work and writing capacity.

      you've already said this

    7. I was not presenting essays that were written with care and intent.

      ... useless due to the quality of my work.

    8. Throughout the semester,

      new paragraph

    9. .

      consider cutting down this paragraph. you could express these simple, straightforward ideas with fewer sentences/words.

    10. As early as I can remember when it comes to writing in academia, I was ingrained with the five-paragraph format as the only acceptable writing structure.

      For as long as I can remember, I've used the five-paragraph structure for writing assignments in school. Throughout high school and middle school, my written assignments consisted of an introduction with a thesis statement, three body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

    11. for my writing assignments

      cut

    1. .

      How would you describe the conversation you entered into? Broadly, was it a conversation about the experiences of the elderly? lessons overlooked? often ignored? whose involved in that conversation? did you use any sources when writing this piece?

    2. The choice of the narrative essay as the genre serves to draw readers into my personal experiences, making the narrative relatable and accessible

      Okay, what readers? Who are your readers?

    3. narrative essay

      what's your understanding of this genre? what are its conventions? what was they purpose of using this genre?

    4. The catalyst for this introspective narrative was a narrative essay

      phrasing

    5. paralyzed from the waist down in her from a bad surgery

      phrasing

    6. finance.

      take aways:

      --structurally, this is basically a 5-paragraph essay; push yourself to explore the conventions of unfamiliar genres

      --audience: your tone here is incredibly stiff, often seeming bot-like; learn to modify your voice/tone for different audiences

      --phrasing/verb choice: passives and progressive tense tend to complicate your prose unnecessarily

    7. One colleague

      new paragraph

    8. were judging

      past progressive

    9. I was directly communicating

      new paragraph?

      also-- past progressive tense. try:

      I communicated ...

    10. I was told

      ease up on the passive voice

    11. was spent

      passive

    12. underscoring the evolving contours of effective communication in a competitive landscape.

      again, who is this piece for? who's your audience?

    13. My engagement with neuroscience extended beyond the confines of the classroom. A significant portion of my free time was devoted to reading books penned by experts in the field, immersing myself in podcasts, and keeping up to date with the latest scientific publications.

      These experts, like the historians you mentioned previously, had already "paved the way." How did you find space to write in this instance but not the other?

    14. The absence of personal significance

      what would have made the assignment more personally significant?

    15. and weave storytelling

      awkward phrasing. try:

      I found the material uninspiring, and consequently struggled to express myself.

    16. The historical depth demanded rigorous research, yet as I delved into the vast expanse of historical articles, an unsettling realization dawned – historians had already paved the way, leaving me to tread familiar ground. The pressure to create unique insights collided with the weight of historical consensus, stifling my creative freedom

      There's still plenty of room for creativity. All writing is reactive to some degree. The fact that other have chimed in before you give you more opportunity to react, not less.

    17. I felt

      You felt. But did you know? And if so, how?

    18. Despite a diverse selection of writing pieces, in this essay I will explain how personal relevance to the subject matter in a competitive landscape allows my writing to thrive accompanied by concrete outcomes.

      Your tone seems a bit stiff throughout this paragraph? To whom are you writing? Also, you're writing an autobiographical reflection, not an argumentative essay. You needn't worry about having a "thesis statement."

  6. tannermcconlogue.substack.com tannermcconlogue.substack.com
    1. In these writings, it is crucial

      When writing these sorts of documents, one must

    2. berattacks on critical infrastructure. However, I do not attempt to resolve the debate. Instead, I propose that the debate does not need to be resolved because, given the uncertainties involved, the only responsible position is to prepare for and defend against the worst-case, gravest threat imaginable

      However, I do not attempt to resolve the debate, as doing so seems beside the point. What's important, I argue, is preparing for and defending against the gravest threats imaginable.

    3. op-ed

      for a class?

    4. Although I had done many presentations for mock clients, this was my first writing directed at real-world clients that I could see on the screen

      Although I had written many presentations for mock clients, this was the first piece directed at real-world clients that I could see on the screen.

    5. The most valuable strategy that I learned from my freshman writing class was to take something personal from your life and turn it into inspiration and motivation.

      can you elaborate? what how to makes this discovery meaningful? it wasn't part of the assignment direction you received, I gather. you figured it out on your own. what does this tell you about handling seeming daunting or unpleasant writing tasks?

    6. most of my writing falls into three general categories: (1) freshman writing course; (2) general education courses; and (3) cybersecurity courses and internship.

      so, the categories are courses? what about types of audiences? or types of aims?

    7. However, upon further reflection,

      maybe use a different transition?

      My writing itself runs the gamut in terms of tone, audience, purpose, and so on; nevertheless, it's clear that my college writing output falls into three basic categories ...

    8. At first glance, the great diversity of writing projects makes it difficult to reach generalized conclusions.

      that's good!

    1. To me, everything is more enjoyable in sandwich form. This is why, today, I have decided to break down my history as a writer into a sandwich recipe. It will be much more enjoyable for everyone involved, trust me.

      Consider making a stronger case for your chosen approach. it shouldn't appear arbitrary, as the your reflection may appear a bit hokey as a result.

      You say "to me," but what if readers don't have the same attachment to sandwiches?

      You could say, for instance, that if "you are what you eat," then you're a sandwich, which means that when it comes to understanding your writing, it's useful to think in terms of sandwiches!

    2. .

      take-aways:

      --organizing analogy has potential but doesn't quite land (see notes above) --audience consideration (how your concerns about audience factor into recipe creation

    3. but they are packaged as if they are unobjectionable facts

      how so?

    4. To date, this is my largest challenge as a writer. I bite off more than I can chew, in sandwiches and essays. I am still on the quest to craft the perfect recipe for my writing:

      maybe consider diverse recipes, as audiences differ in the tastes.

    5. My professor encouraged each of us to infuse our pieces with our personality.

      why? for what purpose?

    6. was feeling

      choice: present progressive or present tense?

    7. Firstly

      Just say first, second, third. These words are ALREADY adjectives; adding -ly is redundant.

    8. My favorite aspect of the writing process is finding a way to entertain the reader

      how do you determine how much to incorporate? how to determine the kind of humor to use?

    9. prolific

      word choice. maybe you mean successful, widely read, or celebrated? or maybe ambitious or expansive?

    10. When I love what I am writing about, my voice conducts the essay like a hearty piece of buffalo chicken.

      and when you don't it's ... bologna?

    11. The vast majority of my academic writing has been persuasive essays and research papers and, while sourdough is delicious, it is redundant and boring in excess

      I'm not sure the analogy totally holds up for reasons mentioned previously. Maybe you could say that you're uninterested in using the good bread for banal sandwiches? So in the case the papers you're examining, it's Wonder bread all the way?

    12. opinions depicted in the paper were spoonfed to me in the assignment.

      how? by what means?

    13. prompt left no room for creativity

      why? please elaborate. show don't tell.

    14. standardized

      what do you mean?

    15. These papers also typically possess a strong thesis statement and a noticeably weaker concluding paragraph that is essentially my thesis statement run through a thesaurus a few times.

      okay, but this structure, you're saying, doesn't work particularly well. so then how is it like bread? or is the point that it isn't but should be?

    16. clear formula for the structure of my academic papers

      some key element or ingredient holding them together?

    1. Therefore, there were not many points of view to be challenged

      sure, but you had to understand the contours of the conversation in order to situate yourself in a position of neutrality. what were those contour? what ideas? what major figures? what debates?

    2. I tried to keep an open mind for the audience, but I still fell into the same trap that most college students do: writing for your professor.

      what ideas did you engage with? who's responsible for them? who's already in the conversation. don't those people constitute at least a portion of your audience?

    3. outside research, readings from the course with my own opinions, and an overarching theme surrounding ethnography. Typically, I would have loathed this type of paper because of the prompt’s vagueness

      seem pretty specific to me ...

    4. One of my favorite pieces of writing I’ve ever completed at USC is a hybrid analytical, research, and opinion paper produced for a Master of Anthropology course in the first semester of my Senior year.

      Word economy:

      One of my favorite pieces of writing I’ve ever completed at USC is a hybrid analytical, research, and opinion paper produced for a Master of Anthropology course in the first semester of my Senior year.

    5. .

      pay attention to verb variation

    6. I asked my TAs to help guide me through this process and did some outside research to understand the process of creating a critical film analysis.

      can you elaborate? show rather than tell?

    7. For CTCS 466,

      This is inferred. Cut.

    8. which was not that difficult of a format to complete.

      right. but what about the fact that it does have a strict format. how did you respond to it as opposed, say, to how you react to other writing conventions?

    9. WRIT 150 was fun, but it was safe. I felt safe, resulting in me not applying myself as much as possible.

      word economy:

      WRIT 150 was fun, but it was safe. Consequently, I failed to apply myself as much as possible.

    10. It was creative, about my hometown, and something I was passionate about — environmental protection.

      in what way was it creative?

    11. An average experience of me writing “I agree with [classmate’s name] on [insert random topic], but did you consider [insert random question]” in response to a blog post can be seen below.

      nice. but it would be useful, too, to include an actual excerpt

    12. I’m tasked with a prompt where I can tell a story and narratively express myself. Writing means so much more to me when it represents who I am

      i would think that a vague prompt would make this exceedingly possible

    13. vague prompt

      doesn't vagueness suggest open-endedness? possibility? if not, why not?

      what makes it uninteresting if it's vague? vague suggests there's room to bring into things that are of interest to you.

  7. johnfung.substack.com johnfung.substack.com
    1. The language is sophisticated, but not too specialized that it’s hard to read

      The language is sophisticated, but not so specialized that it’s hard to read.

      Despite using sophisticated language, my essay maintains the reader's interest by avoiding the use of alienating jargon.

    2. To that end, the text aligns itself with the voices of all of the scholarly articles it presents.

      or with none. again, you needed to determine where the neutral space was before moving forward.

    3. aiming to inform the audience about UAVs rather than to persuade.

      okay, that means you had to become familiar with the major figures, points of view, and debates before knowing where to situate yourself. i gather you took a neutral position. doing so meant you needed to understand the contours of the debate to identify that neutral piece of real estate your ended up inhabiting.

    4. The democracy metaphor in my first writing project is a blatant example.

      okay, so you've learned that your writing prospers when you make a plan and follow it.

    5. sophisticated yet easy to read

      audience oriented?

    6. .

      Lots of talk about structure, none about audience.

    7. “black perspective on racism”, then the “normalization of racism”, and concluding with the “impact of racism”

      and why is this problematic? the points of focus seem arbitrary and could probably be presented in any order without changing much about the piece overall.

    8. However, the essay’s arrangement is eerily similar to the three-paragraph structure everyone learned in highschool.

      yes. even in boarding school. amazing how pervasive this "standard" has become.

    9. my writing structure was underdeveloped, which meant a lot of my early work remained unfocused

      structures are contingent on genre conventions. what structures are you talking about?

    10. I began my essay on social media with a general statement about how, “the concept of liberty and popular sovereignty came to be the zeitgeist of the late-1700s in America.”

      excellent uses of an example -- showing as opposed to merely telling

    1. .

      take-aways:

      --audience awareness: push yourself to recognize the audience's position. what do they know? what do they assume?

      --organization: paragraphs often contain multiple ideas, which leads to underdevelopment

      --phrasing: occasionally jumbled (syntax, verb choice)

    1. personal stories into my work

      what kind of stories? how do they fit in to the overall conversation? what are the contours of that conversation? who are the major voices? what are the major arguments? with whom did you align yourself? whose work did you build on?

    2. The work of writing I am most proud of is my final paper for my past university’s WRIT 150 equivalent.

      should i understand this as the start of part 2?

    3. This cover letter was an optional submission, however it is strongly encouraged, so I would argue this was more of a requirement than a choice.

      phrasing -- consistent verb tense

      This cover letter was an optional submission, however it is strongly encouraged, so I would argue this was more of a requirement than a choice.

    4. I have inundated myself with

      cut

    5. While in the process of writing this essay, I had an insightful conversation with a local that I included in the paper.

      new paragraph

    6. I wrote this paper yet again with other members of the class, benefiting in the same ways.

      new paragraph

    7. this essay was a strong paper due

      ... this paper succeeds thanks to thorough research ...

      what's the difference between research and purposeful investigation?

    8. I wrote the majority of this essay with other students from the class. We found

      new paragraph?

    9. One restriction I found to be limiting was the requirement to be

      new paragraph

      also, phrasing. ease up on your use of the verb "to be"

    10. Share“You need to drop my class” was what I was told on my first day of college in my previous university’s equivalent to WRIT 150

      awkward phrasing. slow down. maybe turn this into more than one sentence. avoid passive constructions.

      "You need to drop my class." To say I was surprised by these words coming from my college writing professor would be an understatement.

    11. because personal stories are what I found most interesting, and that is how I wanted to put the majority of my research into.

      whose stories? how did you find them?

    12. This essay was required

      new paragraph?

    1. and I would get that sweet A and call it a day

      wow, really? what criteria were your instructors using?