3,456 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2024
    1. The film’s climax is a poignant feminist message showing how the suburbs make women feel oppressive conformity in places like the suburbs

      phrasing

    1. Novels, films, paintings, poems, and music all tell stories in their own ways.

      i'm not convinced you need this paragraph. you could just begin with the question, "How do video games tell stories?"

    1. This shame has debilitated our fighting members and titles like “5 Climate Change Facts to Scare You” will now always have me skipping quickly past rather than immediately diving into it.

      Awkward sentence. Are you saying that being shamed by idealists makes people less likely to take the climate crisis seriously?

    2. Hiller cites the main supporters of this ICI theory are operating under denial, selfishness, limited value capacity, and most importantly the “tipping point” theory

      Hiller insists that the supporters of ICI are selfish, in denial, have limited value capacity, and subscribe to the "tipping point" theory.

    3. But I question their efficacy in inspiring meaningful change. Is this really the most effective way to gear people towards helping “save the planet”?

      maybe you need to add a sentence that spells out the point: shaming people doesn't inspire them

  2. sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com
    1. Overall, I feel like my article does a good job of getting my point across

      the main issue here, i think, is that your piece lacks are clear rationale. what's a stake? and what brought about your intervention?

      LeBron hits 40,000 points, making basketball LeBron's sport.

    2. The main purpose for any sports article is to inform

      is it? to me, it seems more like an argument. isn't your purpose to convince basketball fans to change the way they debate who the best players are and why? one gets the sense that you've heard your share of debates that fail to take certain factors into account and you wish to convince fans to change the way they debate

    3. My research made me question whether debating among players from different eras is even possible, and the answer was complex.

      you keep referring to your research. why? what kind of document are you writing?

    4. different eras is unfair when most came down to medical technology, which was out of the player's control.

      so, to the extent that determining the GOAT is important, are you saying we should look to different eras and choose a range of players from across them, that selecting one player is essentially impossible?

    5. Two of the main statistics I looked into during my research were Plus/Minus and WAR.

      is this piece an article like you might find on ESPN.com? if so, you're unlikely to see this kind of language.

      how are these used? for what purposes? what makes them important?

    6. These are both crucial statistics and are used in debates, but how effective of a picture do they paint when comparing players across different eras

      or assessing play before and after rule changes

    7. It is only possible to determine which is the case if both played in the same era, under the same rules, making the comparisons between eras unreasonable.

      maybe start with this point, or at least bring it up earlier: rule changes make an already difficult question harder to answer.

    8. For decades, sports debates have been an integral part of basketball, and a prevalent topic among fans is the debate on the greatest of all time

      this sentence feels like a re-start

    9. I wanted to dive deeper and explore this debate and find an answer.

      why? what's the occasion? what event, large or small, are you reacting to in this piece?

    1. I had the remarkable opportunity of visiting South Africa in early 2023 and no other experience compares to hiking the stunning Lion’s Head with gorgeous 360-degree views of Cape Town,

      major take-aways:

      --is it the case that you developed a love for SA and rugby before visiting? if so, you need to explain where this fascination came from?

      --addressing the above question will affect the other issues present here concerning organization; it's difficult to get a clear sense of how events unfolded; consequently, it's up to the reader to determine why you care about SA and the SA rugby team; without a significant initiating event, your interest seems arbitrary, making it hard for the reader to develop an investment in what you're saying

    2. Disclaimer: I am fully aware that the term “Coloured” is a derogatory term with a difficult history in the United States and should not be used. However, in South Africa, “Coloured” refers to people of mixed origin including Khoisan, European, Black, Indian, Southeast Asian etc. and the Coloured people have their own culture and traditions. The term “Coloured” is frequently employed in South Africa and is seen as an ethnic and cultural classification. Therefore, for the purposes of this essay, the word “Coloured” is employed to refer to a specific South African ethnic group.

      maybe but this in a footnote?

    3. It is this very resilience that shines through the South African rugby team on and off the field.

      i'm not convinced you need this paragraph. couldn't you praise the team without it?

    4. To most, my love for the Springboks may seem random or even bizarre, but seeing my friends who also do not have any connections to the country appreciate them as well confirms what I believe: the Springboks represent the best of humanity and what we could become, which resonates with everyone.

      where is part 2 of this assignment?

    5. South Africa today is a wonder

      kind of weird tension develops between your assessment of south africa, how that assessment developed (by what means), and your interest in rugby, which you suggest above started on instagram

    6. I was fascinated by how South Africa came to be so diverse and sought out the stories of the Coloured Indian, Zulu, Xhosa, Afrikaner, and Tswana peoples, to name just a few

      but why? this all seems so arbitrary

    7. What captivated me was not the sport itself, but the stories of resilience from each athlete and the beautiful representation of South Africa as a nation

      clarify. "from" each athlete? why from and not about or of? also, what do you mean by representation here? what captivated you about the sport was "the beautiful representation of SA as a nation" -- please explain. who's doing the representing? why "as a nation"?

    8. but then I fell in love with rugby – specifically, the Springboks, the South African national rugby team.

      run-on. begin new sentence. rephrase. "I don't, but then" doesn't make sense; "but then" must follow linearly from descriptions of things past.

    1. The genre I chose is an Op-Ed

      in what publication? op-eds are usually topical, responding to some event or phenomenon in the news. the Washington Post piece you cite isn't an op-ed, it's an article in the Home and Garden section. what makes your piece urgent enough to be included on the opinion page?

    2. The stylistic format is a thesis, body paragraph, evidence, and examples, a conclusion, and a word count.

      how do you know this? did you look at examples of op-eds? or read guides explaining their components?

    3. As I pondered the reasons behind the considerable investment of time, money, and effort renters dedicate to creating comfort in their temporary living spaces, I came to a realization.

      why do you do this? would readers expect this of you? or should you first introduce them to the issue you're writing about?

    4. Daily, I scroll on various social media platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, and videos and images of apartments or home designs always catch my attention.

      your main piece begins basically the same way

    5. Rather than resigning themselves to the limitations that are imposed by their housing circumstances, renters nowadays are creating spaces that resonate with them and allow them to feel comfortable

      isn't this another way of saying what you've already said?

    6. This trend reflects renters' desires for authenticity and individuality in a country that relies on mass-produced homogeneity

      what do you mean by this?

    7. Individuals like Ramsey and Zamora are unable to afford property ownership reveals the severity of the situation.

      The inability of individuals like Ramsey and Zamora to purchase property reveals the severity of the situation.

    8. This sparked my interest because I am interested in real estate, housing aesthetics, and architecture

      who are you in this scenario? if you're a real estate blogger, wouldn't these interests be self-evident?

    1. This hypothetical is a reality that the majority of fans around the world would have had to face had this proposal continued on its path

      wouldn't this hypothetical already be well known? the proposal failed, leagues pulled out, right?

    2. To illustrate just how saturated with consequences the Super League would be if it goes through consider this hypothetical.

      is there still a chance this will happen? the proposal, according to your article, largely died shortly after it was announced in 2021. You need to clarify why we need to discuss the matter in 2024

    3. The reaction to this proposal was an uproar, there is no other word to describe the effect it had on fans around the world.

      make separate sentences

    4. The Athletic’s, Kieran Maguire, did an excellent job compiling financial figures for the top clubs in the world before and after COVID-19. Looking at it economically some of the concerns these clubs (12 listed above) had were fair, their profits had decreased by $900 million dollars since the pandemic.

      new emphasis, new paragraph

    5. let the biggest clubs in the world play each other week after week, (maybe) guaranteeing sold-out stadiums and driving up ticket sales and sponsorships.

      move this up to make sure readers know (or are reminded of) what's at stake

    6. It would guarantee them fixed amounts of money every season, essentially making the rich richer.

      whose "them"? "it" -- the new league arrangement, presumably -- would enrich players? owners? who's making this proposal and to whom, specifically?

    7. For Writing Project 3, I decided to write a sports article. I would not necessarily classify it as a pure opinion piece, but I did want to leave a significant impression of my thoughts on the reader.

      your title makes the opposite seem true, however. it's clear you have a point of view on this topic. why suppress it? sports articles can have arguments.

    1. The platform will also allow candidates to debate with each other and answer questions collectively,

      doesn't this seem dangerous? at the end of the day, it's not REALLY these people? it's a representation. and the behaviors exhibited by AI Biden and AI Trump are, as with everything AI, approximations, emulations, based on probabilities. why not just listen to the candidates themselves or read analyses by experts?

    2. Aristotle can teach me his philosophy in the way that best suits my learning style, and I can ask follow-ups, ask him to elaborate and paraphrase, and customize the learning to my own style

      if the tech can do this, then can we really say we're talking to Aristotle? what does Aristotle know about 21st century learning styles? AI would use probabilities to instruct AI Aristotle how to teach. but doesn't this take us further from the source, not closer? wouldn't one get a better sense of the real Aristotle by reading Aristotle?

    3. Steve made us a computer

      is this description strictly true? i mean, computers already existed. plus, Jobs-- who knew little of hardware or software-- had Wozniak for actual tech development

    4. But I can’t ask Aristotle a question. I mean I can, but I won’t get an answer

      it depends on the question. perhaps Aristotle already answered it. or, if not, this is where expertise becomes so crucial: scholars of Aristotle can offer advice on how Aristotle would answer the question based on their knowledge of this work

    1. Record labels just want the money

      this section isn't as compelling as you might think. whether fairly or not, record companies have long been regarded as money-driven, with little concern for artistry. it's a fairly cliche assessment of record companies. what, then, makes record companies in 2024 more or less money-driven than before?

    2. Staying relevant and having a song go viral not only adds to the A-List persona on social media, but it also is the quickest way for artists to bring in large amounts of revenue.

      no doubt some artists/labels seek viral hits. but you seem to suggest that social media "reels" have replaced full-song videos and, by implication, music streaming on spotify, etc. is that true? you need to show some evidence to back up the claims you're making. even articles music magazines cite sources (by linking to them or naming them directly).

    3. The rise of TikTok videos, Instagram reels, and YouTube Shorts, have allowed for dwindling attention spans to consume music

      there's a sentence very much like this one in your previous paragraph

    4. social media trends

      can you explain why you've focused completely on social media but said so little about streaming services like Spotify, Tidal, and Apple Music? What has streaming played -- surely it's been a significant one. to what extent have streaming and social media dovetailed to bring about the decline of the album?

    5. consumption model?

      it would help to see data regarding album sales-- data showing the decline of physical and digital album sales over time. this would likely provide an opportunity to show how subscriptions to streaming services has grown

    6. This is all due to the rise of social media and the impact it has on the human brain.

      how do you know this connection exists? where does this information come from?

    7. a music article in a magazine embraces a blend of informative discourse and creative expression.

      how do you know? how did you prepare to write your article?

    8. I began with a captivating introduction to hook the audience's attention, followed by an in-depth analysis supported by evidence and expert opinions

      why did you proceed in this way? how do these choices differ from what you might have faced writing a college essay for 150?

    9. Formatting conventions within a music article  typically involve a clear structure with sections and different headers throughout.

      how do you know? can your identify an example or model?

    1. My goal was to demonstrate that while China is a significant threat to the United States, these fears are somewhat overblown as China has many weaknesses and the US maintains superiority in most areas of significance.

      So, to be clear, would readers expect PMESII analyses to reflect the priors of the author? Is it, in fact, a piece that makes an implicit argument? Or would readers expect PMESII to be purely objective?

  3. Mar 2024
    1. AI companies are implicitly betting that their customers will buy AI for highly consequential automation, fire workers, and cause physical, mental and economic harm to their own customers as a result, somehow escaping liability for these harms

      Ai offers companies a chance to do more with less; they market it as a savings mechanism that increases productivity

    2. an AI-supported radiologist should spend exactly the same amount of time considering your X-ray, and then see if the AI agrees with their judgment, and, if not, they should take a closer look. AI should make radiology more expensive, in order to make it more accurate.

      AI should be used to conform the assessments of experts: i.e., radiologists using AI to confirm their interpretation of data; if the AI fails to confirm, the radiologist would know to look even more closely

    1. I think an appropriate genre to articulate this evolved understanding is a multi-media long-form historical analysis.

      before you get to genre, decide what you intend to say, to whom, and why. what, precisely, are you reacting to vis-a-vis the history of Team USC?

      if your intention is to "articulate ... [an] evolved understanding," you need to clarify why. how will that evolved understanding benefit readers?

      --Olympics are this summer: an occasion for writing! --anyone interested in upcoming summer games will benefit --why? 1, for you; 2, to document sports, narratives, stories

    2. the focus is narrow; Abrams revisits 2008 through a Bryant-centric lens and omits valuable information about Team USA’s journey

      not a big deal, but a colon probably makes more sense here

    1. .

      --nice collection of sources spanning several decades: popular (from within D&D community), edited volumes, journalistic sources

      --more objective sociological or ethnographic scholarship might help

      --some phrasing/clarity issues

    2. Lastly, approaching D&D not just as a game, but as an experience that holds real world consequences was an intriguing concept I already felt I understood, but was entirely different to see with cultural lenses

      Lastly, approaching D&D not just as a game, but as an experience that holds real world consequences was an intriguing concept I already felt I understood, but was entirely different to see with cultural lenses

    3. there could be more focus on what it meant to have been a player ostracized during the time period. It’s a perspective that with 25 years to reflect on would be worth incorporating or further researching.

      good critique

    4. Byers uses hindsight of journalists and scholars researching the era to emphasize the exaggeration of Satanism and to recognize the D&D players that did commit suicide or other acts of violence were dealing with mental illness, rather than the game pushing kids to those dark places.

      Drawing on existing research, Byers not only dismisses accusations of Satanism, but also shows how mental illness, rather than D&D gameplay, lead some players to commit suicide or other acts of violence.

  4. elisaliberati.substack.com elisaliberati.substack.com
    1. s

      --inconsistencies and errors among citations makes it difficult to determine source type

      --annotations are lean (good) but contain some unnecessary information (i.e., methodology) and exclude assessments

      --phrasing issues sometime make reading hard going

    2. Stephan, Sharon Hoover, “Transformation of children’s Mental Health Services: The Role of School Mental Health” Psychiatric Services, October 1, 2007 https://ps.psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/ps.2007.58.10.1330

      Stephan, Sharon Hoover. “Transformation of children’s Mental Health Services: The Role of School Mental Health.” Psychiatric Services, Volume 58, Issue 10, October 2007, 1330-1338.

    3. The study was conducted in Nanning city, China, and the survey included 1,678 high school students. MHL used questions from the Australian National Mental Health Literacy and Stigma Youth Survey which focus on recognition of mental health issues and intention to seek help.

      you can exclude explanation of methodology. identify topic, describe objective/argument, provide assessment

    4. Andrade LH, Alonso J, Mneimneh Z, et al. “Barriers to mental health treatment: results from the WHO World Mental Health surveys.” Psychological medicine. 2014;44(6):1303-1317. Barriers to mental health treatment: results from the WHO World ...

      inaccurate citation

    5. Russell M Viner, PhD, “Roles of cyberbullying, sleep and physical activity in mediating the effects of social media use on mental health and wellbeing among young people in England: a secondary analysis of longitudinal data” August 13, 2019 https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lanchi/article/PIIS2352-4642(19)30186-5/abstract

      name of website? date of access?

    6. Hards, Emily, Loades Maria Elizabeth, “Loneliness and mental health in children and adolescents with pre-existing mental health problems: A rapid systematic review” British Journal of Clinical Psychology (2022), 61, 313-334 https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdfdirect/10.1111/bjc.12331

      inaccurate citation (generator?)

    7. Ryan, Taylor. Suicide Loss Survivor, Mental Health Advocate and Intern at The American Foundation for Sucidie Prevention (AFSP)

      what is this source? what type of text?

    1. what makes the most sense to me is an Op-Ed

      why? what do you wish to say? to whom? why?

      --creation of super league would have ruined the sport --would have changed the structure of leagues; funneled money to richer clubs --proposal isn't dead yet; back to court with new proposal --fans like you! avid followers!

    2. What surprised me the most was the usefulness of the USC Database, not that it was a niche topic. Still, I had little belief there would be extensive works related to the European Super League (until I was met with over 10000 results).

      What surprised me the most was the usefulness of the USC Database. While not a niche topic, the number of works related to the European Super League exceeded my expectations.

    3. Finding these sources not only leads me to a better understanding but it also helps me avoid beating the same point for 2000 words in future projects.

      okay, but what drew your interest? what discoveries did you make?

    4. remedies.

      --nice selection of sources: scholarly, journalistic, popular --annotations: topic and objective (usefully present); assessment (less consistently present); phrasing issues

    5. For those more than casual fans who want to know the names and details of the officials and the conversations they had, this article offers that

      awkward phrasing:

      This article is ideal for fans seeking information about the names and details of soccer officials and their conversations.

  5. sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com sujitponguluriwrit340.substack.com
    1. I wanted to focus on the concept of legacy and the fashion in which players are compared from different basketball eras.

      why?

      legacy is important because: there's typically solid answer to the question, what is legacy? we need a way to establish what qualifies as "legacy." posterity; historical

      To the extent it's important we have a history of the game, we need a shared language when it comes to establishing what is and what is not "legacy" worthy.

    2. decades.

      --sensible collection of sources: popular, scholarly, journalistic

      --lean annotations that touch on topic, objective, and assessment (good); sentence construction issues

    3. Using an op-ed will allow me to present information to the reader and use arguments and counter arguments in order to make my point

      other genres would do this, too.

    4. It shows the development of sports medicine and how its helped change athletic performance for the better.

      why not start with this sentence? to what degree is the "integration of sports medicine and sports" different from "the development of sports medicine"?

    1. our lives.

      an autobiographical reflection that integrates scientific findings has potential. but what do you feel drawn to say? what do you wish to react to or elaborate on? whom do you wish to address? why? what genre will is that audience most likely to engage with?

      ---broader audience: problem of noise impacts everyone; we're not incentivized to connect with true selves and find quiet spaces --self-control?

    1. view.

      a nice collection of sources accompanied by succinct annotations. but it's hard to tell where the info you've collected might lead that's unique

    1. I would love to follow along on these studies as more research becomes available on the aging process of both diets and determine if there is a sole winner for health reasons

      what to you wish to say, and to whom? what audience would you most like to address? what kind of document are they most likely to engage with?

    2. There is nothing more frustrating than doing something wrong after you thought it was right

      do you mean learning that what you thought was right turns out to have been wrong?

    3. Givens does determine that overall more research is needed as certain animal-derived foods may have negative effects on long-term health however, they do need to be put into a whole diet context and considered alongside other risk factors to long-term health such as obesity, smoking and alcohol consumption

      wordy

    4. studies.

      Very wordy:

      Givens show that while animal products provide many nutrients unobtainable elsewhere...

      [confusing!] ... milk appears to have enormous mismatch between both the advice given on milk/dairy foods by various authorities and public perceptions of harm from the consumption of milk and dairy products, and the evidence from long-term prospective cohort studies.