- Apr 2018
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mthibault24.edublogs.org mthibault24.edublogs.org
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to finite statistic
rephrase? not sure I follow
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As you can imagine
why the shift to "you"?
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Essentially, target to spy on
fragment
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Programs able to search as many websites just as fast as Google when you type in “and” and it gives you “About 25,270,000,000 results (0.72 seconds)”
edit for fragment and cite source
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Office of adolescent health declares that students (on average) spend ~4-5 hours a day online.
okay: useful data but cite source
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Suicidal, constantly talking about death. Decreases in memory and inability to focus to name a few.
edit for fragments
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four different signs before commiting a crime.
please cite source
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Regis University located in Denver, Colorado report
reports
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Hurt people. Things that were clear red flags that needed to be enacted upon immediately. (FBI)
edit for fragments?
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less and less people
fewer and fewer people
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The question still stands however, should the FBI or CIA/DIA listen in to our calls? Read our texts? Watch our movement online or not? Essentially spy on us? Why not? Theoretically, the only outcome would be more security… or would it?
all good, important questions
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matthewl5280.edublogs.org matthewl5280.edublogs.org
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Post Write
I don't see a list of Works Cited, per MLA
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In my opinion, I think that this will never end.
see my earlier comment about being true to your purpose?
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People always have something to say no matter what it is. If someone doesn’t like what someone says or does then it’s this big issue. Let people speak their mind and do what they please. N
I'm getting the sense that you are losing your thread and purpose here.
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How they made things change in a way and help us to push to be even better
edit for fragment?
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historical figures(Martin Luther King Jr, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks), that have had many major impacts on racism and we celebrate what they did for our country
Yes: thanks.
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We just need to realize that where someone comes from and how much money they have doesn’t make a person who they are and what they stand for
in your research, did you find information/data on the connection between racism and job opportunities/education? I think that would be relevant, no?
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there life
their life
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Run things how they always have been and keep themselves satisfied
edit for fragment?
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In my opinion, I think that it always will effect us since it
you may be right but remember your purpose in this paper: to inquire rather than argue
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it’s people
its people
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this discrimination of racism, comes through the power of itself.
not sure I follow: please rephrase?
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We can see from history
Yes: Can you provide some historical context here: facts and events that are relevant?
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Deceleration
note typo
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it’s dividing
Can you be clearer as to what "it" is, exactly?
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More than half of the people in this country say that racism is a big problem i this country, that’s 322 million, that’s a big number.
okay: thanks for this data--it's important. Can you cite the source? Also note the need to edit for comma splices (using commas like periods) and typos
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your skin
why the shift to "your"?
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We want to know why it still goes on for many unanswered reasons
not sure I follow: can you rephrase?
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Why is Racism such a big problem in America?
an important and timely question
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madisonbarboza.edublogs.org madisonbarboza.edublogs.org
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Work Cited
pretty good form--and your interview?
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Cell phones are not only being used in spare time but are being used even behind the wheel
This paragraph seems to lack a coherent message
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How crazy does that sound?
too informal?
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All three of these sources help to back up the cell phone addiction is in fact a real addiction and that it is a problem that is world wide.
not sure this is a sentence
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mobile devices play a major role in lives, this is not present in just specific places but it is a problem worldwide.
is this your topic sentence? don't think so--paragraph seems to need focus, no?
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Like I said
seems too much like speech, no?
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ts making
it's
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“The results of the present study about significant relation between use of cell phone and anxiety accords to the conducted researches about exceed use of communication tools such as cell phone especially among young people and its relation with psychological problems such as depressive symptoms and sleep problems” (Poorakbaran 257).
please use signal phrase to introduce this quotation
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As more people research the relationship of people with their cell phones it is often called an addictio
seems to belong in the previous paragraph, no?
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you can
why the shift to "you"?
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Addiction is not just confined to the use of drugs it relates to anything that people feel a “high” with when they are either using a certain thing or taking something.
edit for fused sentence?
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Addiction is the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity
are you quoting here? if so, please punctuate and cite, okay?
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Peele (1985)
not MLA format
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there experience will
their--edit for typos as well
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I then proceeded to ask
do you want to include your questions in your draft?
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I then went to interview someone closer to my age, being late teenage years
I wonder if you could integrate these interviews more smoothly within your draft--perhaps using a thread or topic sentence?
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In a real life scenario every person in my family has a cell phone, it is just a part of everyone’s daily life
again, note comma splice I also wonder whether you could revise this sentence so that it can serve as. focusing, topic sentence in your paragraph
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how does it affect us as people
not sure what you mean
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New devices come out each and every year, they are not cheap but so many people seem to never go without them
edit for comma splice (using commas like periods)?
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ut its
it is
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nook or a kindl
these need to be capitalized, right?
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liandrarlene.edublogs.org liandrarlene.edublogs.org
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Works Cited
Please alphabetize. Not sure I see three peer reviewed sources. Please include interview in this list.
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defiant answer
typo
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is not okay of something
I don't follow
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Child abuse has a bunch of meanings, and different ways that can be happening
rephrase for precision?
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According to Tasneem Nashrulla a buzzfeed news reporter she stated
According to her Buzzfeed piece, report Tasneem Nashrulla stated
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a damaging t
typo?
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there trauma
their
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n the research paper from Marina Lalayants and Jonathan D. Prince, they discuss Child Neglect and Onset of Substance Use Disorders among Child.
You can put title in Works Cited list rather than give it here: instead I would rephrase this as a topic sentence to help focus your paragraph
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reasons and why’s
I don't follow
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They
Hicks and Stein
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Leslie Hicks and
last name only here
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HM Government 2010, p. 39
I appreciate the in-ctext citation but not quite MLA format
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paper they explain their view on child neglect.
transition needed, no?
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In Leslie Hicks and Mike Stiens research
In their research. . . . Hicks and Steins report that
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buzzfeed article
capitalize "Buzzfeed." You don't need to put the title of the source here--leave it for your Works Cited list, okay?
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is astonishing to me.
Yes: as for most of us
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“why
capitalize first word of quotation
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I replied why do you feel this way, he responded with
edit for comma splice
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this inside at such a young age.
question mark
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little boys
boy's
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by your own
stay in third person--his own
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This boy was now ten years old, and still healing from a trauma that occurred when he was an infant to toddler.
put earlier?
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his little boy
how old? when did "neglect" occur?
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How did neglection
neglect?
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To get a sense of why and how a child feels when this type of abuse is upon I interviewed a child with this type of traumed passed
This needs some editing, no? Try reading the sentence aloud,, okay?
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Why is this happening, why can’t parents take care of their children, why put poor innocent children through this pain and traumatic events that will haunt and terrorize them forever.
note that you have several sentences/questions in one sentence: please edit for punctuation, okay?
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With this happening all so often
you will of course need to show evidence of this
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In the world we live in today
why not say, simply, "Today"?
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Child Neglect and Why parents do it
note inconsistent capitalization
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jmullins14.edublogs.org jmullins14.edublogs.org
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Yang , Sarah. “Baby’s Checkup Schedule.” The Bump, Google, www.google.com/amp/s/www.thebump.com/a/new-baby-doctor-visit-checklist/amp. Sinicki, Adam. “Modern Cases of Feral Children.” HealthGuidance.org, Health Guidance, www.healthguidance.org/entry/16139/1/Modern-Cases-of-Feral-Children.html.
Please follow MLA format
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Cited Sources
Works Cited
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Clearly stated with care but a slight tap on the bottom here and there is a must in order for punishment actions.
fragment
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Thus, Genie out breaking into random spurts of anger and delivery of positive words such as “yes,” in an angry tone
edit for fragment
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violent behavior as they continued on with experimentation resulting in learned behavior from her father
not sure I follow--please rephrase
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The “frontal” lobe in which affects the emotions, how a child processes information and communicating back
interesting but not a sentence and also needing a citation
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Emotional development of a feral child isn’t easy
Can you rephrase for greater precision?
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not as serve in language
rephrase for clarity?
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working with her
subject of "working"?
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A case,
delete?
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Socially, do we understand how important communication is?
rephrase for clarity, please: how important communication in the successful development of social skills?
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Genie, in the 1970s was once strapped to a chair for around thirteen years
cite source?
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are not
is not
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growing up
needs subject
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will miss the milestones of walking, talking and sometimes eating
cite source?
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affective
effective?
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As an infant you receive up to 14 doctors’ visits this is crucial for the child growing up in order for your baby to achieve the developmental milestones.
please edit for fused sentence: you have two sentences here but have not placed a period between them
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negatively affect
affects
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Isolation, a situation in which the child is kept with in a room sometimes with a disabled relative. Confinement, a case in which the child is kept within an attic or room that is only entered when given food. Wild, a situation in which the child has no family or was left in the jungle, forest, etc. and has survived off of animal life
again, helpful but note fragments
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hree classifications isolation
three classifications: isolation, . . .
Do you mean, Children become feral in three ways?
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I believe
any particular reason why you use the first person here?
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An infant to child ratio, who has not received the care or upbringing of an adult and is kept in isolation with no nurture.
This is helpful but note that this is not a sentence. Are you using a source? If so, please cite
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you may ask
why the shift to "you" from "we"?
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How feral children are Affected
Can you rephrase to make this clearer? affected by what, exactly?
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clazcano5498.edublogs.org clazcano5498.edublogs.org
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Work cited:
Works Cited--not seeing three peer reviewed sources?
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influent people
typo?
-
catholic
capitalize
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considered by religions as second-class citizens
be mindful that many religions have evolved in regards to the role of women
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Religion promotes prejudice and gender inequality
again, be careful of generalization and be mindful of your purpose, which is to inquire rather than argue
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Aldana, Interviewee)
just the last name will suffice
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by Puritanism
Lower case? not sure of the meaning either
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Another example is the Salem witch trials from 1693.
new paragraph? and can you work on completing the transition? an example of . . .
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Plethora of historical events caused by religion can be investigated and used against it to analyze the question on why do we need religion.
I'm not sure what this sentence is doing here
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However, this wasn’t a movement to unify people under Catholicism, torture and assassination of innocent individuals was prominent.
edit for comma splice (using a comma like a period)
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The Spanish inquisition which looked upon to exterminate any non-Catholic person in Spain during 1480s is
edit for comma use?
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there has been acts
There have been I might suggest not starting sentences with There is/are
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They claim their main purpose is to save people’s souls from hell and the devil and it promises that if the bible is followed, members of the church will be rewarded in the afterlife
now be careful of generalization: is this an accurate way to depict the promise of the world's religions?
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There are an uncertain
There is
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People have faith seeking
People look to faith as a way to seek. . .
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vlopes96.edublogs.org vlopes96.edublogs.org
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Benefits of School-Based Sports.” Global Sports Development, 22 Jan. 2018, globalsportsdevelopment.org/2013/09/12/benefits-of-school-based-sports/.
I don't see three peer reviewed sources or an interview
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“The Social and Academic Benefits of Team Sports.” Edutopia, http://www.edutopia.org/discussion/social-and-academic-benefits-team-sports
please use MLA format
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Citation Page:
Works Cited
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The neuro scientist in Ted Talks
please cite source appropriately
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hroughout all of my research I had found the most interesting a video from “Ted Talks” of a scientist explain the pros of exercise on the human body ad brain.
can you work on this transition to make it work more smoothly with what precedes it?
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High School
Lower case
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Being a part of a team means you always have a friend, a teammate, a mentor, a coach, or someone to help you up when you’re down.
good topic sentence
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are increased blood flow
There is
-
The Social and Academic Benefits of Team Sports”
no need to put title here--leave that for your Works Cited list?
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Being apart
a part
-
you have
why the shift to "you"?
-
Kansa s
Kansas
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hat more than 97% of student athletes graduated high school 10% higher than those students who had never participated in sports.
good, useful data: please cite source properly?
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Being a part of a team whether it is a school sports team, travel, or an elite club team has so many benefits mentally, physically, and emotionally
okay: I assume that your question is, What are the benefits of exercise? Remember to keep true to your purpose, which is not to argue but to inquire
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thoughtsandjotswithtiffani.wordpress.com thoughtsandjotswithtiffani.wordpress.com
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Works Cited
not sure I'm seeing three peer reviewed articles
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Best, Katharina and Jusi Keppo. “The credits that count: how credit growth and financial aid affect college tuition and fees.” Education Economics 22.6 (2014): 589-613. Bridgewater State University. http://www.bridgew.edu. n.d. 15 January 2018. College, Bristol Community. http://www.bristolcc.edu. n.d. 1 January 2018.
skip lines between entries?
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I would highly recommend that these questions are asked, answered satisfactorily, and compared before committing to years and thousands of dollars of potential debt.
remember your purpose, okay?
-
in their article “The credits that count: how credit growth and financial aid effect college tuition and fees,
no need to mention title here--that can be in the Works Cited list
-
In Miller’s editorial Benefit/Cost=Value, she
In her . . . Miller . . . .
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including salaries, lavish accommodations, better resources, and improving infrastructure (Heintz).
Can you elaborate/
-
Many colleges and universities have a blog called Her Campus.
need for transition?
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My observations have suggested that college is incredibly expensive
Yes: does your research indicate why this is so?
-
Lynn firmly believes that if a student has to take out loans to afford a college education, that the cost is not worth the possible benefit,
how does this jive with what you say earlier as to the benefits of a degree?
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My cousin, a social worker by training, concurs with Jerome in that getting her Bachelors and Masters of Arts in Social Work was useful for the opportunities that it gave her
good, smart transition
-
D. J.
just last name sufficient in-text
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Jerome was quick to mention, however, that when he went to school, the state provided a much more significant portion of state colleges and universities budget
This is a really important point: You may want to highlight this earlier as well.
-
was the benefits and costs
were the benefits
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I interviewed two close family members to discuss their experience in college
transition needed?
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Looking at the average income of people who go to college, versus those who don’t, a person who graduates high school can expect to make about $31,612 a year where someone with an associates can expect to earn about $37,394 a year, a bachelors $51,165 a year, a masters $60,768 a year, a doctorates $68,158, and a professional degree, such as an MBBS or a JD can expect to make $81,294 a year (Witt).
shouldn't this be in its own paragraph? And shouldn't you offer a reason for bringing this up? I sense the need for a transition, don't you?
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To compare, Bristol Community College costs approximately
new paragraph?
-
BSU, for an in-state student, costs $5,006 a semester for tuition and fees, with an additional $2,800 for health insurance and tutoring. There is an $80 orientation fee
I appreciate the detail here
-
College, Bristol Community
edit per MLA format?
-
versus a private college
is this needed?
-
versus a community college
in comparison with the cost of going to a community college
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For this paper, I decided to look to my environment.
I suspect that in you final version you'll want to remove this part of the opening, no?
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The Cost of University Attendance
good, informative title
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- Mar 2018
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nhiya1.edublogs.org nhiya1.edublogs.org
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others likely to cause RIF.
? are you thinking of your audience here?
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The internet lack face to face communication
transition? This seems so abrupt to me
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important to forming the declarative memory but the procedural memory relies on the basil ganglia and the cerebellum.
are you quoting? If so, please use quotation marks and cite your sources. I will stop reading if I sense that you are using someone else's words and/or ideas as your own.
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Acts such as tracing a star repeatedly he had no memory of doing the task but his unconscious mind still knew how to do it.
not sure if this is a sentence
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Long term memory
cite in MLA format
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hippo-campus
note that you've spelled this three different ways so far!
-
when its influenced with false information.
when it is
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Crash Course
please cite in MLA format
-
to the brain, it create memories defining who we are.
edit for subject-verb agreement and comma splice, here and elsewhere?
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hippo campus
spelling?
-
can not
cannot
-
Work Cites https://ed.ted.com/lessons/what-happens-when-you-remove-the-hippocampus-sam-kean
not sufficient. You will need three peer reviewed sources, two web based sources, and one interview, all cited and listed in proper MLA format
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jlopesjr98.edublogs.org jlopesjr98.edublogs.org
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The NBA has always been stuck on this question, do they add a 4 point line?
interesting: are you suggesting that scoring is an issue currently? please explain
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losses.
loses
-
so i
edit for capital
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I agree with this call because for one no one wants to see a slow basketball game they want to see a fast and uptempo game which is very exciting to see
edit for punctuation: note that you have two sentences here without a period between--a fused sentence
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Which means whoever the other team intentionally fouls a player from the other team, they will go to the free throw line.
edit for fragment, here and elsewhere
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(NBA.com)
I appreciate the in-text citation but please follow MLA format (author's last name)
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People always question, does the NBA have a bright future?
Can you explain why people might be asking this question? What is it about the current league/game that might prompt this question?
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witch stands for the National Basketball Association witch is what its called today
which--also note the repetition
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Then the Basketball Association of America (BAA) was created. Then the National Basketball League (NBL) then they switched the name to the National Basketball Association (NBA),
note the repeated words here". "then."
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“Do the NBA have
edit to read, "Does the NBA have. . . ."
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http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/nba-is-born http://www.nba.com/2016/news/07/12/nba-rule-changes-fouls-away-from-play/ http://www.slate.com/articles/sports/sports_nut/2016/06/the_4_point_line_could_be_coming_to_the_nba_here_s_where_to_put_it.html https://www.ft.com/content/5921ff88-f631-11e7-88f7-5465a6ce1a00
These are not listed in MLA format. You do not seem to have three peer reviewed articles, as required, nor an interview.
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hcipriano.edublogs.org hcipriano.edublogs.org
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Capri, Chiara, Vincenzo Caretti, Daniele La Barbera, and Adriano Schimmenti. “Mafia and Psychopathy.” Criminal Behaviour & Mental Health, vol. 24, no. 5, 2014, pp. 321-331.
include database here?
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In his search, he finds that parents of his childhood friends had restricted him from being around their children, long time colleagues told him he was a psychopath prior to his discovery, and good friends say he is certainly irresponsible in his
I'm not sure I understand: are you saying that when younger he displayed psychopathic behavior? And he did not know this or he did not that he was susceptible? Psychopathy is pretty serious, right? It's not just anti-social behavior.
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The story he tells is one of remorse. He asserts that impulsivity and image are the reasons for his criminal behavior (Shakur), his social environment putting him behind bars for life.
This is a powerful story, although your reason for telling it may be a bit unclear: is his remorse the point here or the fact that his environment forced bad choices? You may want to sharpen the focus of this paragraph, no?
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This is an excellent illustration of how social environment attributes to criminal behavior.
good point, although I might not "bury" this key idea in the middle of a paragraph, would you?
-
Shakur is incarcerated
edit for tense?
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catalyst
are you sure about this word in this context?
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find their way and themselves
not sure of the phrasing here
-
On the popular media outlet, TED, Adam Foss talks about his views on the justice system
I might suggest working to develop a transition here.
-
taggering 76.6% of released prisoners reoffending within a 5-year period
This is a stunning figure.
-
I was overwhelmed. I had so many sources I felt were important to include, but ultimately some took me on tangents, and they eventually got cut out of the piec
That will happen: not all sources are equally useful.
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shankareng101.edublogs.org shankareng101.edublogs.org
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Dziegielewski, Sophia et al. “Humor: An Essential Communication Tool in Therapy.” International Journal of Mental Health, Vol. 32, No.3, Fall 2003, pp. 74-90. Edwards, Scott et al. “Humor, Laughter, and Those Aha Moments” On The Brain, Vol. 16, No.2, Spring 2010, pp. 1-3. Gervais, Matthew & Wilson, David. “The Evolution and Functions of Laughter and Humor: A Synthetic Approach. The Quarterly Review of Biology, Vol. 80, No. 4, Dec 2005, pp. 395-430.
Did you obtain these fine sources via a database? If so, please indicate
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Scott, Sophie. “Why We Laugh.” TED, https://www.ted.com/talks/sophie_scott_why_we_laugh
date of lecture? date of access?
-
Oxford Dictionaries, https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/us/humor & https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/us/satire
not sure this needs to be listed per MLA
-
Another question I’d like to address is what makes something “funny” in the first place.
Can you work on this transition? Might you make it more natural and less mechanical?
-
Laughter as a pain deterrent ties well into my questions about the practical applications of humor and laughter.
indeed--good point
-
Can laughter alter how we feel about something, or be an effective means of changing our perspectives?
an interesting question: why do you ask it, exactly?
-
“Laughter is unique to the great apes
not sure I understand the sense of the word "unique" here
-
your experience
why the shift in perspective to "your"?
-
One definition of “humor” is, “The quality of being amusing or comic, especially as expressed in literature or speech.” (Oxford Dictionary)
Thanks for the useful definition. Normally we just reference the title of the dictionary in the sentence but don't list in our Works Cited.
-
research question: What is humor, and why do we laugh?
a really interesting research question
-
months old, even if they had never heard someone laugh before. (Gervais & Wilson)
put period after the parentheses?
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and Television
edit for capitalization
-
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cdonaruma11.edublogs.org cdonaruma11.edublogs.org
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Verger, Rob. “Navigating with GPS Is Making Our Brains Lazy.” Popular Science, 4 Apr. 2017, www.popsci.com/navigating-with-gps-is-making-our-brains-lazy#page-5. Pyatt, Carson. “Teenagers Becoming Too Dependent on Technology.” CdS Sunrise, cdssunrise.com/19343/opinions/teenagers-becoming-too-dependent-on-technology/. The story highlighted the work of economist Tyler Cowen. “Are Americans Lazy? CNNMoney Readers Weigh In.” CNNMoney, Cable News Network, money.cnn.com/2017/04/14/news/economy/are-americans-lazy/index.html.
please add three peer reviewed sources (and interview) and list sources in MLA format
-