8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2018
    1. The other reason people have stopped watching is because they believe the game has become too soft, they think the referees are throwing penalty flags at will to make sure players are safe.

      edit for comma splice

    2. The next and last question that will be talked about is the ratings and why are they going down for reasons that aren’t the anthem protests.

      In other words, What are the other reasons for the decline in viewership?

    3. Former NFL players have CTE which is brain damage an it causes you to do things you never would if you never had played football

      edit and rephrase for clarity/precision?

    4. he social justice protests are costing the league ratings and its not because of Kaepernick anymore it is because of Trump’s comments is the reason the league is losing money and ratings.

      Interesting: Can you explain what Kaepernick is protesting exactly? Can you put his protest into some kind of historical context, too?

    5. Since then the NFL have had down ratings every single season which is losing money for the company even though they are still making a lot.

      please cite your source

    6. Colin Kaepernick starting an anthem protest for social justice revolutionized the game and the world today he was the first to do the protest and many followed after, not about at least 1 player on every NFL team is now taking a knee or holding up their fist.

      please edit for punctuation (fused sentence), here and elsewhere

    7. The NFL is one of the biggest businesses in today’s world they make billions of dollars every month and all seems to be going very well in the NFL,

      edit for punctuation--fused sentence?

    8. Gibeaut, John. “Retired Players Sue NFL.” JSTOR, www.jstor.org.uri.idm.oclc.org/stable/pdf/23034146.pdf?refreqid=excelsior%3A725d8094f7adbd78e973f294785dadba.

      Please provide name of journal, date of publication, date of access

    1. Graffiti is also a huge part of hip hop . Used as an expression of the oppressed by some , as a warning to people and rival gangs residing in the same area by other. Looked at as art by some

      can you put this into its own paragraph rather than bury it in the middle of this paragraph?

    2. Hip Hop was born in Bronx, New York. According to -Wnyc.org, “DJ Kool Herc, a.k.a. Clive Campbell, laid the first building block of hip-hop down in 1973”.

      Would you consider moving this historical information earlier? Do you see why?

    3. China has banned hip-hop culture and actors with tattoos from appearing on television” , – Time.com

      please follow MLA format for citing sources

    4. has Hip hop had an effect on the world since its birth in the 80’s and is it positive or negative?

      okay: this is clear. Perhaps you can simply ask, What impact has hip hop had on our society and internationally, if that is your scope here?

    1. She also mentioned electronic devices can affect their brain because it affects their vocabulary, social skills, and their imaginative playin

      interesting: do you have evidence?

    2. “Parents should be alert to their child’s obsessive behavior at this age with digital media and poor emotion regulation and self-care, including a compulsion to stay digitally connected that may lead to sudden changes in mood (anxiety, depression), sleep loss, and temper tantrums tied to media usage and transitions away from the screen.”

      good source: can you cite an author?

    3. “Homeless or lower income caregivers described feeling that they were being a good parent by providing their child with the device now popularly recognized as an educational resource. Because toys are expensive and easily broken, families with fewer financial means appreciated being able to let their child download free applications.” (Radesky)

      I appreciate the in-text citation. Try to integrate this quotation more smoothly, okay--using signal phrase?

    4. Work Cited

      You will need to add three peer reviewed sources and an interview, right? Please use full MLA format, including your dates of access

    1. When telling my professor the subject I wanted to write about, he told me and a few other classmates that he  lived in China for a good year with his wife and they actually tried dog meat.

      cite source?

    2. In the United States, a bill introduced in Florida Rep Akee Hastings that now 232 cosponsors is making it’s way through Congress to stop the domestic dog and cat meat trade. The bill is known as Dog and Cat Meat Prohibition Act. 

      cite source

    3. In December 2017 a team of CNN news crews and a team of Human Society International went to Namyangju were they rescued 170 dogs from that farm alone, including hounds, chihuahuas and golden retrievers

      cite source

    4. Until the day they are killed in most cases brutally, dogs farmed for meat are left alone in metal cages similar to chicken coops, they are given water just once a day and fed food scamps. They have no human contact, which dogs need and crave, no love, no medical attention and all of this is legal!

      why the bold?

    5. All the dog slaughtering facilities in the market were planned to be removed by May 2017, and the vendors will be aided financially. Inspired by the decision made concerning the Moran Market in 2016 protesters gathered at Grupo Market in Buscan in February 2017 calling for the closure of the dog meat vendor. In recent decades, the number of dog meat market has decreased to only 22 vendors this is due to improve the image of the city for tourists. As for now, there had no been no official statements by the local government involving plans to remove the dog meat vendors.

      cite sources

    6. December 13 2016, the termination of slaughtering dogs and slaughtering facilities in Moran Market was announced by the local government and vendors association. It is one of the largest dog meat market in South Korea selling over 80,000 dogs and was the source of one-third of the dog meat consumption in the country.

      please cite sources here and elsewhere

    7. The consumption of dog meat in South Korea, where it is known as “Gaegogi” has a long history of originating during three kingdoms of Korea.

      cite source?

    8. Work Cited “Dog meat consumption in South Korea.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 3 Mar. 2018, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dog_meat_consumption_in_South_Korea. Kaye, Randi. “In the shadow of the Olympics, a brutal trade in dog meat.” CNN, Cable News Network, 13 Feb. 2018, www.cnn.com/2018/02/10/opinions/kaye-dog-meat-farming-south-korea/index.html “Donate Now To End The Suffering Of Animals In Asia.” Soi Dog Foundation, 13 Nov. 2017, www.soidog.org/content/make-donation.

      I don't see three peer reviewed sources. And please follow MLA format for listing Works Cited

    9. This is definitely completely different research paper that I have done. It’s not just a research that my professor wanted me to do but a research on what I was curious about and wanted to learn about more.

      Exactly--yes

    1. http://www.bristolcc.edu:2066/ic/gic/ReferenceDetailsPage/ReferenceDetailsWindow?disableHighlighting=true&displayGroupName=Reference&currPage=&scanId=&query=&docIndex=&source=&prodId=GIC&search_within_results=&p=GIC&mode=view&catId=GALE%7CCAVOLC023542632&u=mlin_s_bristcc&limiter=&display-query=&displayGroups=&contentModules=&action=e&sortBy=&documentId=GALE%7CCP3208520164&windowstate=normal&activityType=DocumentWithCommentary&failOverType=&commentary=true

      not necessary if you have the DOI #

    2. Greenhouse gases can be kept down if we take care of the environment and raise awareness

      See my earlier comment about staying true to your purpose

    3. It was also causing “Rising temperatures will bring more frequent and severe hot spells, intensifying heat stress; more precipitation will fall as rain rather than snow, increasing storm water runoff; snow that does fall will melt earlier in the year, leaving less for the warm, dry season…”(3).

      Please integrate quotation more smoothly and grammatically within your sentence

    4. “California faces serious risks from climate change. Some are already being felt, like the severe heat this summer and recent episode of extremely low snowpack in the mountains, which the state depends on for much of its water.” (3).

      Can you use a signal phrase to introduce this quotation?--and cite your source in MLA format?

    5. Greenhouse gases can be kept down if we take care of the environment and raise awareness.

      I find this first paragraph quite helpful but at the same time I worry about your purpose. Remember that your purpose in this paper is to inquire and follow the evidence where it takes you--not to argue a position, right?

    1. No that crime and offenses are explain, lets dissect what is a jail?

      I'm sensing a loss of focus in this draft. Recall your original question, which I believe was, Do prisoners have human rights? In your earlier draft and proposal I believe you had asked, Do prisoners receive appropriate health care?

    2. omparing state-by-state rates of incarceration with the access to mental health care ranking shows a strong positive correlation between rates of adult who are in the criminal justice system and lack of access to mental health care (r =.69, p=000). Access to mental health

      This is a key finding--I believe that this might serve as your focus for the entire draft, no?

    1. Ziv, Naomi; Dolev, Einat. “The Effect of background music on bullying” Children & Schools. Apr. 2013, Vol.35, Issue 2, p83-90, 8p. Web. 3 Mar. 2018. Thompson, Forde, William; Schlaug, Gottfield; American Mind. “Music as Medicine” The Healing Power of Music. 15552284, Mar/Apr 2015, Vol. 26, Issue 2. Web. 3 Mar. 2018. Long, Norman. Social Analysis. The Power of Music: Issues of Agency and Social Practice. Summer 2013, Vol 57, Issue 2, p21-40. 20p DOI: 10.3167/sa. 2013.570202. Web. 5 Mar. 2018.

      please name databases? and alphabetize list?

    2. Robin Spielberg, a renowned contemporary pianist and composer, gave an account of a personal story in a seriously emotional speech.

      Can you work on providing a transition?

    3. In a study conducted by Psychologist Teppo Sarkamo of the University of Helsinki and his team, 60 patients who suffered a stroke in the middle cerebral artery of one hemisphere were recruited

      Can you provide a transitional phrase here?

    4. According to Robert Gupta – A Doctor and Violinist, during his speech on TED talk, spoke about seeing the video of a congresswoman named Gabrielle Giffords

      Can you rephrase to clarify who is the subject of this sentence? Robert Gupta, a doctor and violinist, spoke about. . . .?

    5. They found out that while he plays the piano, the brain is soothed and electrons fires up new pathways and connections.

      will you be providing sources in support of this view?

    6. It is mostly classified by genre: classical, rhythm and blues (R’n’b), jazz, country, contemporary, hip-hop, rap, reggae, rock and lots more, to mention a few.

      Yes: exactly

    7. What does Music do to us? Does it make us a better person or it degenerates our life as humans?

      not sure of the term "degenerates"--perhaps you can simply refine the question, "How does music impact us?" and leave it at that?

    1. Maggie Fox writes about what happens with fake news. She writes after talking to reporters, “We found that false news was more novel than true news, which suggests that people were more likely to share novel information,” (Fox). T

      okay: thanks for the source and the citation--interesting. Please list this source and all sources cited--at the end of your paper

    2. But everyone has the right to have their own opinion on what they think of social media

      I wonder whether instead of this general statement you could remind us what your research question is. I'm not quite seeing it yet.

    1. The infamous one is about how the NFL player Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to protest police brutality.

      okay: now, this should receive the focus of your paragraph, no? I'm also thinking about Lebron speaking out about our President; and the Golden State Warriors referring to visit the White House. Can you discuss these and other matters?

    2. nvolving players being payed behind closed doors

      I thought that this paragraph would focus on athletes speaking out on political matters, yet the paragraph seems to be about something else

    3. Another reason as to why sports are valued today is how professional sports athletes have a voice in political events.

      okay: this seems a fruitful area to explore

    4. I did an interview on my grandfather about why he has valued sports ever since he was a kid.

      I wonder if you could integrate this source more smoothly, providing a transition for your reader's sake

    5. Lebron announced that he will help open a new school called the promise school which will help support education and health care services for children and families

      please cite sources

    6. “ Last Chance U” and it’s a real university that gives players from division one schools that have trouble with the law a second chance to be noticed by other programs and possibly get a scholarship again.

      please cite source in MLA format

    7. Playing at a young age and forming bonds with your teammates and coaches can really have a positive impact later on in life.

      note how you've "buried" this key idea in the middle of your4 paragraph--might this be your topic sentence?

    1. Wilder, Joseph. “Male and Female: The Significance of Values.” American Journal of Psychotherapy, vol. 31, no. 1, Jan. 1977, p. 11. EBSCOhost, bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=5349509&site=ehost-live. 

      Do you have an interview?

    2. One finding documented in the research is the tendency of children to make assumptions on males and females based on their sex. (Halpern.)

      can you elaborate?

    3. According to society, a women’s place was in the home not working or caring about political matters. Girls were rarely educated formally. If a woman did enter the workforce she was expected to play a support role, not encouraged to become a leader. The options for employment were few and included things like seamstress, teacher, secretary.

      again, it would be helpful to place this in some kind of research-driven context: what point in time? were there women who had to work (as domestic servants, for example) because of social class constraints?

    4. raditionally speaking, men were expected to be the provider of the

      It might be helpful to put this statement in a clear, historical context, no?

    1. Aldhous, Peter. Get Used To High Drug Prices As Big Pharma Emerges From Election Stronger Than Ever. Buzzfeed. 2016. Web. February 28 2018. Connors, Amanda L. “BIG BAD PHARMA: AN ETHICAL ANALYSIS OF PHYSICIAN-DIRECTED AND CONSUMER-DIRECTED MARKETING TACTICS” Albany Law Review. 73.1 (2010): 243-245

      please skip a line between sources--and remember to include titles of databases?

    2. Why the Avandia Scandal Proves Big Pharma Needs Stronger Ethical Standards,

      you might want to leave this for the Works Cited list rather than put the title here?

    3. I had taken time to interview Juliet Mello, a local senior citizen who has taken medication for over ten years. When asked “how well do you believe physicians distribute pharmaceuticals?”, s

      Should this be in a different paragraph--its own?

    4. The pharmaceutical drug markup is not the only problem affecting today’s society. I

      I appreciate the transition but you might have to tweak this some more, no?