- Apr 2018
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mlinhares17.edublogs.org mlinhares17.edublogs.org
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The other reason people have stopped watching is because they believe the game has become too soft, they think the referees are throwing penalty flags at will to make sure players are safe.
edit for comma splice
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It has dropped around 10% which is not a good look for the brand.
cite source
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The next and last question that will be talked about is the ratings and why are they going down for reasons that aren’t the anthem protests.
In other words, What are the other reasons for the decline in viewership?
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An now is contemplating his future.
fragment
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they have
who, exactly?
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there concerns
their concerns
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Former NFL players have CTE which is brain damage an it causes you to do things you never would if you never had played football
edit and rephrase for clarity/precision?
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Only 69 concussions were reported so a lot of concussions are left unreported which is very dangerous
cite source
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there is over 400
there are
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The next question I will talk about is What about the Concussion problem
Let's work on refining this transition, okay?
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he social justice protests are costing the league ratings and its not because of Kaepernick anymore it is because of Trump’s comments is the reason the league is losing money and ratings.
Interesting: Can you explain what Kaepernick is protesting exactly? Can you put his protest into some kind of historical context, too?
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you should have
why the shift to "you"?
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crap you could get for doing something
be mindful of tone, okay?
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Why has the anthem protests started by Colin Kaepernick mak
edit: Why have the protests . . . made
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CTE
have you told us what this is?
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2010 the NFL has had the number of concussions go up every year.
cite source
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the Concussion
lower case
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Since then the NFL have had down ratings every single season which is losing money for the company even though they are still making a lot.
please cite your source
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NFL have had down ratings
decline in ratings
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Colin Kaepernick starting an anthem protest for social justice revolutionized the game and the world today he was the first to do the protest and many followed after, not about at least 1 player on every NFL team is now taking a knee or holding up their fist.
please edit for punctuation (fused sentence), here and elsewhere
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that are hurting the brand of it.
hurting the brand.
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The NFL is one of the biggest businesses in today’s world they make billions of dollars every month and all seems to be going very well in the NFL,
edit for punctuation--fused sentence?
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What Will the NFL Be in The Future?
good and timely question
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Gibeaut, John. “Retired Players Sue NFL.” JSTOR, www.jstor.org.uri.idm.oclc.org/stable/pdf/23034146.pdf?refreqid=excelsior%3A725d8094f7adbd78e973f294785dadba.
Please provide name of journal, date of publication, date of access
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mracine777.edublogs.org mracine777.edublogs.org
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easily connect
easily connects
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los angles
edit for spelling and mechanics
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Hip Hop is life
not sure what this means
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christianity and paganism.
can you tell us more about this?
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Graffiti is also a huge part of hip hop . Used as an expression of the oppressed by some , as a warning to people and rival gangs residing in the same area by other. Looked at as art by some
can you put this into its own paragraph rather than bury it in the middle of this paragraph?
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top rock , downrock , power moves and freezes
put quotation marks around each of these technical moves? Cite source?
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Hip Hop was born in Bronx, New York. According to -Wnyc.org, “DJ Kool Herc, a.k.a. Clive Campbell, laid the first building block of hip-hop down in 1973”.
Would you consider moving this historical information earlier? Do you see why?
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Could be a trend or maybe its to inspire youth and other listeners across the globe
fragment
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Chance the rappers went from “being addicted to Xanax” – xxlmag.com
please follow MLA format for citing sources
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lot of “artist”
A lot of artists
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most of the artist
most of the artists
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China has banned hip-hop culture and actors with tattoos from appearing on television” , – Time.com
please follow MLA format for citing sources
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To some a sign of hope , for some upbeat music , to some a figure of rebellion .
fragment
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many different genres of music
okay: can you spend some time describing what the genre is, exactly?
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Also a lot of rappers talking about how you shouldn’t do drugs
edit for fragment
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its on
edit for typo?
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Its not
It is not
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has Hip hop had an effect on the world since its birth in the 80’s and is it positive or negative?
okay: this is clear. Perhaps you can simply ask, What impact has hip hop had on our society and internationally, if that is your scope here?
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Its had
It has had
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Some people don’t like Hip Hop , most people do.
edit for comma splice (using comma like period), here and elsewhere
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lsotomorales11.edublogs.org lsotomorales11.edublogs.org
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about what she thinks why parents allow
rephrase?
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She also mentioned electronic devices can affect their brain because it affects their vocabulary, social skills, and their imaginative playin
interesting: do you have evidence?
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I asked my Psychology professor if she could give me her view point on this topic.
Can you work to provide a more meaningful transition?
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Such as wanting to use make up and acting older.
fragment
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I also interviewed my uncle, he has a 4 years-old daughter
edit for comma splice
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“Parents should be alert to their child’s obsessive behavior at this age with digital media and poor emotion regulation and self-care, including a compulsion to stay digitally connected that may lead to sudden changes in mood (anxiety, depression), sleep loss, and temper tantrums tied to media usage and transitions away from the screen.”
good source: can you cite an author?
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she was surprise
verb form: She was surprised
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“oh you have Facebook Kleverson?”
edit for mechanics
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her son which is 13 years old spent
her son, who is 13 years' old,
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I didn’t realized
edit for verb form: didn't realize
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made me realized
made me realize
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one of the mother participant said in an interviewed
edit for typos?
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when I allow her
edit for tense?
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have its
have their?
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“Homeless or lower income caregivers described feeling that they were being a good parent by providing their child with the device now popularly recognized as an educational resource. Because toys are expensive and easily broken, families with fewer financial means appreciated being able to let their child download free applications.” (Radesky)
I appreciate the in-text citation. Try to integrate this quotation more smoothly, okay--using signal phrase?
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Which means that those kids than spent time playing video games that are challenging help them build these skills.
fragment
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However, is a paid app which leave kids from low income families in disadvantage
fragment
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Such as learning apps and educational games that are available.
edit for fragment, here and elsewhere
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Allowing Kids use
edit : Allowing kids to use
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electronic devices has
edit for more subject-verb agreement: electronic devices have
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Kids’ Behavior?
are you limiting yourself to behavior? how about physiological impact and attention deficit?
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How Does Electronic Devices
How Do Electronic Devices
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Work Cited
You will need to add three peer reviewed sources and an interview, right? Please use full MLA format, including your dates of access
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kcgomez789.edublogs.org kcgomez789.edublogs.org
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You can
why the shift to "you"? Remember your purpose, okay?
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When telling my professor the subject I wanted to write about, he told me and a few other classmates that he lived in China for a good year with his wife and they actually tried dog meat.
cite source?
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In the United States, a bill introduced in Florida Rep Akee Hastings that now 232 cosponsors is making it’s way through Congress to stop the domestic dog and cat meat trade. The bill is known as Dog and Cat Meat Prohibition Act.
cite source
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dogs best
dog's
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Of course our culture culture in North
edit for typos
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million signature
signatures
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South Korean
plural?
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dogs living conditions
dogs'
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During the visit to the Nara Kim, who manages H.S.I. against dog meat could not believer her eyes
edit for comma use and typos?
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then the dogs
than
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In December 2017 a team of CNN news crews and a team of Human Society International went to Namyangju were they rescued 170 dogs from that farm alone, including hounds, chihuahuas and golden retrievers
cite source
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Until the day they are killed in most cases brutally, dogs farmed for meat are left alone in metal cages similar to chicken coops, they are given water just once a day and fed food scamps. They have no human contact, which dogs need and crave, no love, no medical attention and all of this is legal!
why the bold?
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Untold millions will be cheering on
do you want to bring this up to date and put this into the past tense?
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All the dog slaughtering facilities in the market were planned to be removed by May 2017, and the vendors will be aided financially. Inspired by the decision made concerning the Moran Market in 2016 protesters gathered at Grupo Market in Buscan in February 2017 calling for the closure of the dog meat vendor. In recent decades, the number of dog meat market has decreased to only 22 vendors this is due to improve the image of the city for tourists. As for now, there had no been no official statements by the local government involving plans to remove the dog meat vendors.
cite sources
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December 13 2016, the termination of slaughtering dogs and slaughtering facilities in Moran Market was announced by the local government and vendors association. It is one of the largest dog meat market in South Korea selling over 80,000 dogs and was the source of one-third of the dog meat consumption in the country.
please cite sources here and elsewhere
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It is believe
It is believed
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It cost about $10 without the dog meat in it but cost $25
edit for verb form: costs
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small portion of pro-dog cuisine
missing a word?
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there are a very large group
there is
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Thus showing the popularity of dog meat at the time
fragment
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In the month of August a married woman visiting her parents with boiled dog meat, rice cakes and red wine.
edit for fragment
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This poem which is important in Korean folk history describes
edit for comma use
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Approximately in 1816, Jeong Hak-yu a prominent politician and scholar wrote a poem called “Nonga Wollyeonna”.
cite source?
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both South Korea
both in
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The consumption of dog meat in South Korea, where it is known as “Gaegogi” has a long history of originating during three kingdoms of Korea.
cite source?
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of originating
delete?
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History
This heading is helpful--thanks
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they are
there are
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believes
beliefs
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It has been argue
It has been argued
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ner, This
edit for punctuation?
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to be someones din
someone's dinner
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to dog
dogs held
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Work Cited “Dog meat consumption in South Korea.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 3 Mar. 2018, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dog_meat_consumption_in_South_Korea. Kaye, Randi. “In the shadow of the Olympics, a brutal trade in dog meat.” CNN, Cable News Network, 13 Feb. 2018, www.cnn.com/2018/02/10/opinions/kaye-dog-meat-farming-south-korea/index.html “Donate Now To End The Suffering Of Animals In Asia.” Soi Dog Foundation, 13 Nov. 2017, www.soidog.org/content/make-donation.
I don't see three peer reviewed sources. And please follow MLA format for listing Works Cited
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This is definitely completely different research paper that I have done. It’s not just a research that my professor wanted me to do but a research on what I was curious about and wanted to learn about more.
Exactly--yes
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jpasyanos11.edublogs.org jpasyanos11.edublogs.org
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http://www.bristolcc.edu:2066/ic/gic/ReferenceDetailsPage/ReferenceDetailsWindow?disableHighlighting=true&displayGroupName=Reference&currPage=&scanId=&query=&docIndex=&source=&prodId=GIC&search_within_results=&p=GIC&mode=view&catId=GALE%7CCAVOLC023542632&u=mlin_s_bristcc&limiter=&display-query=&displayGroups=&contentModules=&action=e&sortBy=&documentId=GALE%7CCP3208520164&windowstate=normal&activityType=DocumentWithCommentary&failOverType=&commentary=true
not necessary if you have the DOI #
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Works Cited
please alphabetize list of sources
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Greenhouse gases can be kept down if we take care of the environment and raise awareness
See my earlier comment about staying true to your purpose
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While conducting the interview, there were several questions asked
not sure this is necessary
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One being “Do you see global warming or greenhouse gasses as a issue?”
edit for fragment
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Rowan West a fellow classmate.
edit for comma use
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To get a little insight on greenhouse gasses I ended up conduction a personal interview
Can you work on refining this transition?
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I ended up conduction
edit for typo
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These greenhouse gases are causes many problems
edit for typos?
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It was also causing “Rising temperatures will bring more frequent and severe hot spells, intensifying heat stress; more precipitation will fall as rain rather than snow, increasing storm water runoff; snow that does fall will melt earlier in the year, leaving less for the warm, dry season…”(3).
Please integrate quotation more smoothly and grammatically within your sentence
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“California faces serious risks from climate change. Some are already being felt, like the severe heat this summer and recent episode of extremely low snowpack in the mountains, which the state depends on for much of its water.” (3).
Can you use a signal phrase to introduce this quotation?--and cite your source in MLA format?
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, it can
can you use a noun here rather than a pronoun--to start your paragraph?
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Rising over forty percent is horrible that is almost halfway ten percent away
edit for fused sentence
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you can
why the shift to "you"?
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Antony Turner says (1).
I don't see Turner in your list of Works Cited. And please follow MLA format when citing, okay?
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The United States is one of the current biggest cause adding to this effect
cite source?
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Greenhouse gases can be kept down if we take care of the environment and raise awareness.
I find this first paragraph quite helpful but at the same time I worry about your purpose. Remember that your purpose in this paper is to inquire and follow the evidence where it takes you--not to argue a position, right?
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Us as humans
We as humans
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ijoywill4.edublogs.org ijoywill4.edublogs.org
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DOESN’T LIST MENTAL HEALTH CONCERN
You are now returning to your original question, with which I recommend you begin this draft.
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No that crime and offenses are explain, lets dissect what is a jail?
I'm sensing a loss of focus in this draft. Recall your original question, which I believe was, Do prisoners have human rights? In your earlier draft and proposal I believe you had asked, Do prisoners receive appropriate health care?
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Sources of research
no post write?
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omparing state-by-state rates of incarceration with the access to mental health care ranking shows a strong positive correlation between rates of adult who are in the criminal justice system and lack of access to mental health care (r =.69, p=000). Access to mental health
This is a key finding--I believe that this might serve as your focus for the entire draft, no?
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What are your Human Rights
Why the use of "your"? Then you shift to "one." and then to "I." Try to be consistent with point-of-view, okay?
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Work cited
You have lots of interesting sources but you will need to list them in MLA format so I can see what kinds you have.
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Who’s the abuser?
not sure I follow. I would perhaps restate your title in this way: Do prisons violate inmates' human rights?
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Human Right’s
Human Rights
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Major Assignment #2 draft 1
Draft 1 or Draft 2?
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fluwoye11.edublogs.org fluwoye11.edublogs.org
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While i
First person pronoun always capitalized, right?
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Ziv, Naomi; Dolev, Einat. “The Effect of background music on bullying” Children & Schools. Apr. 2013, Vol.35, Issue 2, p83-90, 8p. Web. 3 Mar. 2018. Thompson, Forde, William; Schlaug, Gottfield; American Mind. “Music as Medicine” The Healing Power of Music. 15552284, Mar/Apr 2015, Vol. 26, Issue 2. Web. 3 Mar. 2018. Long, Norman. Social Analysis. The Power of Music: Issues of Agency and Social Practice. Summer 2013, Vol 57, Issue 2, p21-40. 20p DOI: 10.3167/sa. 2013.570202. Web. 5 Mar. 2018.
please name databases? and alphabetize list?
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nourishes to
rephrase
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the cognitive ability, and so lots more. It was even recorded in the bible when
edit for verb form?
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who survive
edit for tense?
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in one of the placentas
rephrase for precision?
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Robin who was pregnant with twin girls, unfortunately
edit for comma use?
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Robin Spielberg, a renowned contemporary pianist and composer, gave an account of a personal story in a seriously emotional speech.
Can you work on providing a transition?
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Or at music concert where fans gather, irrespective of their status or where they came from
fragment
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Hence, using music as a tool to intervene against bullying
edit for fragment
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stopbullying.gov
not quite MLA form
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Another research, which shows a positive effect of music on us
useful transition
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Psychologist
no need for capital
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In a study conducted by Psychologist Teppo Sarkamo of the University of Helsinki and his team, 60 patients who suffered a stroke in the middle cerebral artery of one hemisphere were recruited
Can you provide a transitional phrase here?
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What a transformation!
I'd say! Impressive
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Gupta, 2012)
in MLA format we don't need the year in-text
-
e Gabby
too informal? refer to her by last name or as former Congresswoman?
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According to Robert Gupta – A Doctor and Violinist, during his speech on TED talk, spoke about seeing the video of a congresswoman named Gabrielle Giffords
Can you rephrase to clarify who is the subject of this sentence? Robert Gupta, a doctor and violinist, spoke about. . . .?
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They found out that while he plays the piano, the brain is soothed and electrons fires up new pathways and connections.
will you be providing sources in support of this view?
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Moreso, he realizes that his right arm that felt a little numb from stroke, gets normal and active when he plays the piano.
interesting
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(Interviewee)
last name of interview subject will suffice as in-text
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It is mostly classified by genre: classical, rhythm and blues (R’n’b), jazz, country, contemporary, hip-hop, rap, reggae, rock and lots more, to mention a few.
Yes: exactly
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What does Music do to us? Does it make us a better person or it degenerates our life as humans?
not sure of the term "degenerates"--perhaps you can simply refine the question, "How does music impact us?" and leave it at that?
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What Does Music do to us?
edit for consistent capitalization: What Does Music Do For Us?
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damion0.edublogs.org damion0.edublogs.org
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Another reason why social media would be a negative
remember your purpose here: to ask questions rather than argue a position, right?
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bunch balone
check tone--seems very informal---and typos
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Us as people
We as people are drawn
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Talking to the reporters
needs a subject? Who is talking to reporters?
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Maggie Fox writes about what happens with fake news. She writes after talking to reporters, “We found that false news was more novel than true news, which suggests that people were more likely to share novel information,” (Fox). T
okay: thanks for the source and the citation--interesting. Please list this source and all sources cited--at the end of your paper
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False news or fake news, is news
I see a pattern of placing a comma after the subject of a sentence
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But everyone has the right to have their own opinion on what they think of social media
I wonder whether instead of this general statement you could remind us what your research question is. I'm not quite seeing it yet.
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goods, it also has its bads
I think you mean "benefits" and "disadvantages," right?
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Even Though so
edit for capitalization?
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You can
why the shift to "you"?
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Social media, is
delete comma
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People being able to search whatever they want, order/buy what they want, and many other things.
edit for fragment, here and elsewhere
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cmayo16.edublogs.org cmayo16.edublogs.org
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Sources :
Works Cited: I don't see three peer reviewed sources. Also please list the interview?
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The infamous one is about how the NFL player Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to protest police brutality.
okay: now, this should receive the focus of your paragraph, no? I'm also thinking about Lebron speaking out about our President; and the Golden State Warriors referring to visit the White House. Can you discuss these and other matters?
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there opin
their
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nvolving players being payed behind closed doors
I thought that this paragraph would focus on athletes speaking out on political matters, yet the paragraph seems to be about something else
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Another reason as to why sports are valued today is how professional sports athletes have a voice in political events.
okay: this seems a fruitful area to explore
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Sometimes they get together and talk about when they played , this a bond that can never be broken between them.
edit for comma splice?
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I did an interview on my grandfather about why he has valued sports ever since he was a kid.
I wonder if you could integrate this source more smoothly, providing a transition for your reader's sake
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ne Harvey that has recently happened. His original goal was to help raise $200,000, but he ended up raising nearly $37
cite source?
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Lebron announced that he will help open a new school called the promise school which will help support education and health care services for children and families
please cite sources
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s have influenced many people around the world to be like them like Jackie Robinson, Lebron James and J.J Watt.
good, sharp topic sentence
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Sports
why capitalize?
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“ Last Chance U” and it’s a real university that gives players from division one schools that have trouble with the law a second chance to be noticed by other programs and possibly get a scholarship again.
please cite source in MLA format
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Playing at a young age and forming bonds with your teammates and coaches can really have a positive impact later on in life.
note how you've "buried" this key idea in the middle of your4 paragraph--might this be your topic sentence?
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to them.
to him or her
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too look
to look
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shedquist.edublogs.org shedquist.edublogs.org
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Wilder, Joseph. “Male and Female: The Significance of Values.” American Journal of Psychotherapy, vol. 31, no. 1, Jan. 1977, p. 11. EBSCOhost, bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=5349509&site=ehost-live.
Do you have an interview?
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Works Cited
good, varied and credible sources
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and male characters showed a wider range of emotions than female characters.
very interesting: elaborate?
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One finding documented in the research is the tendency of children to make assumptions on males and females based on their sex. (Halpern.)
can you elaborate?
-
he feminist movement
when did this began? have there been various stages of the feminist "wave"?
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with your life.
why the shift to "your"?
-
According to society, a women’s place was in the home not working or caring about political matters. Girls were rarely educated formally. If a woman did enter the workforce she was expected to play a support role, not encouraged to become a leader. The options for employment were few and included things like seamstress, teacher, secretary.
again, it would be helpful to place this in some kind of research-driven context: what point in time? were there women who had to work (as domestic servants, for example) because of social class constraints?
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raditionally speaking, men were expected to be the provider of the
It might be helpful to put this statement in a clear, historical context, no?
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elathoughts.edublogs.org elathoughts.edublogs.org
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Aldhous, Peter. Get Used To High Drug Prices As Big Pharma Emerges From Election Stronger Than Ever. Buzzfeed. 2016. Web. February 28 2018. Connors, Amanda L. “BIG BAD PHARMA: AN ETHICAL ANALYSIS OF PHYSICIAN-DIRECTED AND CONSUMER-DIRECTED MARKETING TACTICS” Albany Law Review. 73.1 (2010): 243-245
please skip a line between sources--and remember to include titles of databases?
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This brought me to think, how many other wrongful deaths have been caused by big pharma?
a disturbing but important question
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Why the Avandia Scandal Proves Big Pharma Needs Stronger Ethical Standards,
you might want to leave this for the Works Cited list rather than put the title here?
-
I had taken time to interview Juliet Mello, a local senior citizen who has taken medication for over ten years. When asked “how well do you believe physicians distribute pharmaceuticals?”, s
Should this be in a different paragraph--its own?
-
ones personal life.
one's
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ads
adds
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The pharmaceutical drug markup is not the only problem affecting today’s society. I
I appreciate the transition but you might have to tweak this some more, no?
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Billions of pharmaceutical drugs are manufactured every year.
please skip line between paragraphs
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, who benefits from big pharma?
a good, timely question
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Today, with about seventy percent of the population being dependent upon medicine,
interesting: cite source?
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it’s practitioners
its
-
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mthibault24.edublogs.org mthibault24.edublogs.org
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Sciencemag
Thanks for in-text citation but please follow MLA format
-