1,843 Matching Annotations
  1. Dec 2019
    1. An untold aspect of the New Deal was the impact it had on the Native population.

      This feels like an afterthought.

    2. Great Plains

      Great Plains is not the West in the 1930s.

    3. 2

      Footnotes HAVE to HAVE PAGE NUMBERS.

    4. West.

      Do you have quotes from the West that you can use?

    5. “Mindful of Americans attitudes toward public assistance, Hopkins meant CWA to dignify relief by providing work for employees, rather than handouts to clients.”11

      I'm losing my mind here. I've only been saying the same thing all semester.

    6. “The West, a long stronghold of the ideal of rugged individualism, faced only reluctantly the need for generous, long termstate spending relief and welfare”.10

      Introduce the quote!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    7. work.

      Cut this unless you can find a hostile Westerner.

    8. FormerPresident,Herbert Hoover

      What does he have to do with the West?

    9. On the Western Slope

      On the Western Slope.

    10. 3

      So that's the Turabian bibliography format. You're writing a footnote.

      Oops, this was supposed to be for that Rauchway note.

    11. “With WPA, the New Deal government frankly and fully entered the business of hiring the American peopleto end the Great Depression.” 2

      Introduce all quotes!!!!

    12. 1

      Can't you get a better source than this?

    13. through the fireside chats

      No, it wasn't. It was sold to the whole country through teh Fireside Chats.

    14. government

      Good opening paragraph. I might make it a little shorter and essentially start with two opening paragraphs though so that you can make your separate points stand out.

    15. Westerners held tight the philosophy of independence from the federal government.

      This is repetetive from the first sentence.

    16. of Government

      toward government

    1. identities.

      I can't tell what your argument is from this paragraph. It feels like you're just throwing a lot of points at teh wall and seeing what sticks.

    2. 4

      Do you have actual books on this subject? I don't even see Gordon here.

    3. 3

      This footnote is particularly upsetting. How am I suppose dto get this source from the info you've provided?

    4. Bruce Ayler is a writer and a son of an orphan train rider discusses

      who discusses

    5. 1

      This is not a Turabian footnote!!!!

    6. wasn’t

      Don't use contractions in formal papers.

    7. According to Michael B. Katz,

      Who's that?

    8. During the time of American expansion,the country was experiencing massive growth in all directions.

      Do you really need to go this broad?

    9. united states

      United States

    1. and had negative consequences such as broken treaties, the mistreatment of the Native Americans

      I'm guessing this is your thesis. If so, all of these points need to be expanded upon.

    2. TO BE CONTINUED

      I need to see a lot more on the significance of this, written in your own voice rather than just echoing your sources. It is not difficult to read three or five books and summarize them. Analyzing what you read is what I'm looking for here.

    3. The native tribes

      All of them?

    4. Congressman Davy Crockett was known to have spokenout against the removal of nativesin a letter writtentoCharles Schultz in 1834writing “...I am truly afread that a majority of the free Citizens of these United Stateswill Submit to it and Say amen Jackson done it(Crockett 1834).”

      Why do we care what he thinks?

    5. n 1830

      This whole paper has been just narrative so far. I need to know something about what you think about the subject you're writing on. There needs to be a lot more analysis throughout this paper.

    6. John Coffee

      Coffee,

    7. National Congress of American Indians n.d.).

      This is from the paper assignment sheet: "It must be typewritten and include footnotes and a bibliography in proper Turabian format." This is not proper Turabian format.

    8. States

      Everything since my last note is completely irrelevant to your topic. This is not the Andrew Jackson biography paper. CUT THE BIO. Give me more detail and analysis of the topic of this paper.

    9. 10-12 Pages

      Not needed

    1. West.

      It is really hard for me to help you with this when I have no idea what you're trying to argue....or maybe that you try to argue everything and just can't pick one.

    2. ofaWesternmovie

      How do you know?

    3. (Limmerick,pg.60)

      The quote doesn't match your point.

    4. another

      Don't make your essay sound like a list.

    5. assumption

      an assumption

    6. Limmerick

      Limerick

    7. would

      This paragraph should be smaller.

    8. Also

      This is not a good word to use at the beginning of any sentence. Different thoughts, different paragraphs.

    9. Ididnotwriteanintroduction

      I understand this strategy, but I'm not sure I'd follow it. Doesn't it make sense to at least first draft your argument here even if you don't stick with that argument in the end?

    1. industry.

      This is obviously going to have to be a lot bigger when it's done.

      To do that, you're going to have to go far deeper into the books than you do here now. I actually expect more citation than movie analysis.

    2. Limerick 259

      It's funny you picked a point of fact from Limerick here. I would have mined her analysis of race instead.

    3. stage coach where even the criminal white guy is a better guy then the Native Americans.

      Really?

    4. which is commonly the white guy versus the Native Americans

      Not in two of the three movies we saw.

    5. seem to outweigh the commonalities.

      Why? You have to tell us why.

    1. glance.

      I know your position here at the end of the paper, but I still have no idea what your reasoning for holding that position is.

    2. Overall westerns provide an insight to many of the realities of the American West.

      This sentence is far too vague to be useful.

    3. The New Deal is in stark contrast to the idea of western independence,yet it became a lifelinefor many in the west.

      What does this whole paragraph have to do with the question you were asked?

    4. Capitalism

      Capitalism is an economic system. It doesn't care about anything.

    5. Joad’s

      Joads. The word is not possessive.

    6. couldn’t

      Don't use contractions in formal papers. They aren't scholarly.

    7. In the filmThe Grapes of Wrath,

      Again, don't lead a paragraph with teh film.

    8. As the film continues

      In general, I think you should have more from the books in your paper and less film criticism.

    9. tagecoachalso portrays how capitalismhas ill-effects even in the west.

      How many different arguments are you making in this essay?

    10. Also,in Stagecoach, the theme of an open border aligns with history prior to World War One.

      This is what I mean. Start with the concept, then mention Stagecoach as the evidence.

    11. “The frontier, far from being a refuge from the problems of ‘civilization,’ became the symbolic source of disunion” (Legacy 93).

      Introduce the quote better than this. I should know who the speaker is before I start reading stuff inside the quotation marks.

    12. In the film Stagecoach,

      Lead with the concept not the film. In other words, even here in the body of your paper, start with a broader point, then offer the specifics.

    13. shares the attitude

      How so?

    14. To write about an adventurousWest as opposed to a destructive one.

      That is not a sentence.

    15. 3Fredrick Jackson Turner is also

      I don't understand. What exactly is the link between Jackson and your overall argument?

    16. “Independent living is hard work, after all; one needs all the help one can get”, says Limerick in The Legacy of Conquest, “Thereis nothing wrong with human interdependence; it is, among otherthings, a fact of life” (95).

      You need to connect this to the film far more directly than you do here. Independent of what?

    17. Subtle yet present, the reality of the western life is presented in these three western films that can bring the viewer closer to the history of the region.

      It's not a bad argument, but I'd organize it by concept rather than specific film. Again, start general, then get specific.

    18. A prime example

      No examples in the first paragraph! Ever! Start broad, explain your argument, then get spec ific.

    19. in

      is

    20. Westerns provide more similarities to the history of the West in spite of a mixture of myth and fact for the purpose of entertainment.

      This sentence doesn't make sense. more similarities than what?

    1. an American West which did notexisted and lackedaccuratedepiction of race relations, the truecharacteristics of heroes within their narratives, and Westerstendedto assign submissive roles to female characterswhen there were many historical women in the history of the American West that could not be classified as submissive.

      These really are very good points. You just have to offer a lot more explanation for each of them. I think there are allusions to all three of them in Limerick at least. Start there as you work on rewriting the middle of your paper.

    2. Annie Oakley5or Calamity Jane6

      Seriously, this is not a research paper. Base your analysis upon the sources you have in front of you.

    3. Women also have a story in the American West,

      That's right, you started with a good multi-tiered argument but I lost it in the last few paragraphs because you got so carried away with film criticism. I'd organize your paper the way you organized the end of the first paragraph.

    4. John Ford

      No footnotes here

    5. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valanceis a 1962 film

      In general I think you'd be better off with more from the books and less from the films.

    6. the film exaggerated what a shootoutbetween a stagecoach and natives would have looked like in a real situation.

      How do you know?

    7. Hero’s

      Heroes

    8. The Land Grab Act

      Huh? Also, footnotes only belong at the end of sentences.

    9. Natives werealso depicted in both The Man Who Shot Liberty Valanceand Stagecoach, but their introductionswere brief and at times aggressive as Hollywood chose to depict natives in filmas aggressive, uncontrollable, and dangerous.

      This is another run-on sentence. Also, when did you start discussing Native Americans earlier?

    10. Patricia Nelson Limerick

      New thought, new paragraph.

    11. awhites-only establishment.

      Are you sure it's segregated?

    12. “who sayshe can’t? Pour yourself a drink, Pompey(Wayne 1962).”

      I don't think you need to footnote this.

    13. is historically inaccurate.

      Don't say what I presume you're about to explain, just explain it.

    14. In the Unites States, whites have historically been associated with superiority and privilege, while people of color have historically been associated with inferiority and made out to be less than those of the white race.

      You don't need to include this.

    15. their inaccurate depiction of race relations, the tendency to exaggerate positive characteristics of heroes within their narratives, and the tendency of 20thcentury Hollywood to assign submissive roles to female characters.

      So this is your argument. I would start this paragraph with this sentence, then explain each of these points in a little more detail before you move forward.

    16. Westerns achieved high levels of popularity during the midpoint of the twentieth century, the Western, a genre of film, novels, short stories, radio, and television shows that are set in the American West around the time period of 1850s to the end of the 19thcentury.

      That is a run-on sentence.

    1. place.

      Explain this a bit more, please.

    2. populous

      Huh?

    3. By analyzing several Hollywood western movies such as “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”, “Stagecoach”, and “The Grapes of Wrath” directed by John Ford, and comparing those to books written by historians such as “The Legacy of Conquest” by Patricia N. Limerick and “The End of The Myth” by Greg Grandin, there are clear inconsistencies between the film adaptations and the historical recorded facts and events

      You don't nee dto go through all teh titles again here at the end.

    4. One example

      Again, separate thoughts deserve separate paragraphs, even if those different thoughts come from the same book.

    5. Grandin’s “The End of the Myth” explores the same exploitation of nature by early American West settlers as does the earlier book.

      Again, work on the transition here. I like the way you're systematically working through teh sources, but don't make it look like you're just going down a list.

    6. Two out of the three ways to make a living in the West,

      Break this paragraph up (maybe not here, though). Separate thoughts deserve separate paragraphs.

    7. in stating that,

      awkward.

    8. On the other sideof the spectrum

      You're making the transition between myth and reality. It's a very important part of your paper. You should offer at least two or three well-thought out sentences to mark this turning point in your analysis.

    9. movie.

      Nice movie analysis. If you had any help with it, feel free to cite the web sites where you found it,

    10. Valance

      For those of you not named Akemi, try this: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056217/

      I was going to correct her spelling of the characters' names until I looked it up.

    11. Tom

      John

    12. it is clear that

      You're actually beating around the bush here. What exactly is the matter and how are you going to fix it with your analysis in this paper?

    13. occurred.

      Again, a very awkward sentence.

    14. Movies such as “The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance”, “Stagecoach”, and “The Grapes of Wrath” directed by John Ford depict a symbiotic relationship between settlers and nature, whereas the books “The Legacy of Conquest” by Patricia N. Limerick and “The End of The Myth” by Greg Grandin describe the settler’s exploitation of nature throughout history.

      So the paper is going to be just about nature? I think that's a good idea, but you should make that abundantly clear right here if that's true.

    15. In the early American West, there was a complex relationship between newcoining settlers and nature; one depicted in Hollywood western movies and historical analytical books.

      That is a very awkward sentence.

    1. Paper?

      I think it's really good, but you need to explain yourself better. You don't need new topics to cover, you need to add more analysis as you go and link all that analysis together better than you do here. Addressing the question more directly will help you achieve that goal.

    2. Theodore Roosevelt

      Indent, normal font.

    3. system

      There's very good analysis here, but you have to tie it back to your overall argument.

    4. Void of Federal support run by gunslingers and incompetent marshals.

      That's not a sentence.

    5. “Nothing so undermines the Western claim to a tradition of independenceas this matter of federal support to Western development (Limerickpg. 82).”

      All quotes must be introduced!

    6. grapes

      Capital "G"

    7. 33).”

      Who's the speaker here?

    8. The border either brings order or it brings a free range of lawlessness and freedom.

      Link explicitly to the question you were asked.

    9. desolate‘uncivilized’ cityborder.

      Good point, but link it explicitly to teh question.

    10. “Others,

      "As Greg Grandin explains..."

    11. This depiction

      Which depiction exactly?

    12. “Investment l

      Introduce the quote!!!

    13. An expectation is held

      By who?

    14. as

      , as Patricia Nelson Limerick explains,

    15. owed

      owned

    16. Representation of the border and the reality of the border are often different however similarities can often be selected, with the truth often in the middle.

      I still don't quite get the point, but the question does ask for the difference between representation IN THE MOVIES and reality. You need to make that link to the question you were asked more directly than you do here.

    17. The constantly shifting border in the American west draws on distinct methods that always benefit the United States.

      That feels like it might be an excellent argument, but I think you have to explain it a lot better.

    1. Writers such as Patricia Limerick and Greg Grandin are able to write books about the truth and have consumers and historians read their writing and continue to gain an understanding of the west. The books and movies portraying the west are very different because they had to be different to survive the culture and societal pressures that existed during the times of their creation.

      This is excellent. It should be in your first paragraph though, not the last.

    2. set in the west are very different.

      How so?

    3. Maddison

      Madison

    4. A question can be asked

      Awkward.

    5. (Limerick, 39)

      First quote is better than this one.

    6. material.

      This entire paragraph just confuses me.

    7. This includes how the government's role was perceived in the west, the importance of different groups of people, and the exploitation of the land by the settlers.

      Good points, but they both deserve more explanation.

    8. Ford’s movies showed a different and more honest version of the west compared to other westerns yet, many aspects of his movies differed from the true history of the west, at least from the historian's perspective.

      This is the start of an argument. Everything that comes before it is really just filler.

    9. The American west has a deep history that many have studied,and many authors have shared their view of the west.

      This sentence doesn't really get you anywhere. It is always best to just start with your argument.

  2. Oct 2019
    1. Race was not definedas the color of a person’sskin in the late nineteenthand early twentiethcenturies in the Westratherrace was definedby a person’scharacteristics, personalities, and even their mental abilities.

      You can't just repeat yourself at the end. You need to expand upon these ideas as you explain them.

    2. The Native Americans

      Which? As you know, there were many tribes.

    3. arrived.

      This is still just Gordon summary. You have to use Gordon to make an argument. As long as your first paragraph remains unclear, that task will be very hard.

    4. In the book

      What book?

    5. orphans.

      This whole paragraph is just Gordon summary. You HAVE to do more.

    6. Children

      Don't just summarize Gordon. Answer the question you were asked.

    1. Racewasused

      Passive voice again. Used by WHO?

    2. theydidunderstandwhatvaluemeant.

      Really?

    3. lessor

      lesser

    4. Theonlyromanticizedsettlers

      By who exactly?

    5. status

      This paragraph is WAAAY too large.

    6. is

      was

    7. IntheEasternAmerica’sracialsystem

      This is a very abrupt transition between paragraphs.

    8. entail

      wrong word

    9. Thisresourceexploitationdidnotentailconcernforthelaborers.

      Really?

    10. aviewthat“white”andeconomicexploitationarethesam

      I don't understand what you're trying to say here.

    11. extent

      extend

    12. youwereallowed

      By who exactly?

    13. tobeconsidered

      By who? The passive voice in this paper is a huge problem.

    14. weredefinedby

      Passive voice here is hiding the analysis.

    15. genocide

      Really???!!!

    16. held

      Weren't whites the ones who "held" it?

    17. wasuniquetotheregion

      No, it absolutely was not!

    18. TheseracialandeconomicsystemwereexploredthroughHeatherCoxRichardson’sWoundedKneeandLindaGordon’sTheGreatArizonaOrphanAbduction.

      Books actually should be described in the present tense. Also, this is a good sentence to have in the first paragraph for this assignment and the rest of you reading this might consider emulating it.

    19. West.

      That last sentence is not clear at all.

    20. RacewasatoolusedintheAmericanWestforeconomiccontrolandcheapexploitationofresources.

      That's a nice clear starting point.

    1. tribe.

      Try the ending paragraph again after you've sharpened your main argument at the beginning. It will help.

    2. apart

      a part

    3. This massacrewas a direct cause of racism

      I'm pretty sure you mean the reverse.

    4. “America’s postwar economic system seemed to be the pinnacle of humanorganization. It was impossible to believe that everyone would not want to share in it. Tothose who enjoyed this new world, it only made sense to spread an industrial economyacross the nation, all the way to the West Coast. As it spread, it would sweep across thePlains and absorb all the Indians there who still followed an ancient and far lessmaterially prosperous way of life. How could the Indians see this as anything but a greatgift?”(Richardson,58).

      Again, five lines and you single space and indent. You might also consider breaking quotes this long into pieces and analyzing as you go.

    5. “The Indians’ economybeat the American economy hands down on the dry prairies. Generations of Indianhunters had made the prairies perfect for grazing animals. Eventually, settlers alsocame to rely on animal herds, realizing that the only way to make the prairies profitablein the days before irrigation was by ranging cattle on them. Herding animals, though,requires far more land than farming does. By cutting Indian land into small parcels,government policies destroyed Indians’ ability to practice the only economy that workedin the harsh environment of the Plains,” (Richardson, 97).

      This quote is far too long, and if you do use it it should be single-spaced and indented since it's longer than 5 lines.

    6. caused great harm

      Don't repeat the same phrase so quickly.

    7. (Gordon,198).

      OK, I see why you said that. Look at the context of the quite though. I think it's broader.

    8. The whites did not believe that they were causing harm to others but thoughtthat they were saving them by allowing them to conform to their societal norms.

      Is that really true?

    9. but all the people who don’t fit into the “American ideal.”

      Finish this thought.

    10. doubted the capability of other races in raising children

      Good point.

    11. they were trying to help

      Are you sure?

    12. The racial tensions in the American west caused a separation of class, harshdiscrimination, and resulted in many unnecessary deaths.

      I like this, but could you explain the point a little more. The next sentence seems like an abrupt change of pace.

    1. The growth of America to the west product of several races and nationalities working together to build the nation. Regrettably that growth is tarnished by the racial views that resulted in discrimination against those people who were instrumental in the growth of the nation.

      This should be the starting point of this essay, not the end.

    2. There was discrimination against Mexicans

      I think this might be the first thing on the paper that's about race. This is supposed to be a paper that's ALL about race.

    3. page 180)

      Again, this paragraph is WAAAAY too long. Shorter paragraphs built around specific points make it easier to prove complicated arguments.

    4. As mentioned previously,

      That's a problem.

    5. The ensuing battles with the Native American

      Oh man, this paragraph is WAAAAY too long.

    6. what was taking place in the American West during this time period.

      Maybe, but the first thing you have to do in this paper is make an argument that answers the question you were asked.

    7. “After a battle for control over the Louisiana territory the United States acquired from France in 1803, the North and South had found a way to coexist in the region. New states were admitted to the Union in pairs—one free and one slave—to keep the two sections balanced in the Senate, and the Missouri Compromise of 1820 guaranteed that slavery would not spread north of a line that ran east to west below the southern boundary of Missouri. The sections neatly divided the Louisiana territory between them (Wounded Knee page 21).”

      This quote is too long and it doesn't belong in the first paragraph. First paragraphs are for YOUR argument. not for evidence.

    1. Though race is just a societal creation in order to categorize people based off of difference, this does not mean that these racial categorizations did not come in handy for serving alternative motives and discriminating against entire cultures

      This is a good point, but a terrible sentiment to end a paper on as it just raises more questions.

    2. Moving West, racial labels and titles shifted to one based off of cultural traditions and a tool for white settlers and the government to continue in the American expansion.

      This is better than the first paragraph, but your overall point still isn't clear.

    3. convinced,

      ???

    4. “Indians were present as obstacles to the pioneering, never as pioneers themselves. Indeed, a substantial part of pioneering meant was racial: that which had to be braved, endured, and transformed was the low civilization of the earlier inhabitants” (Gordon, 165).

      Introduce all quotes!!!!!

    5. on a whole different level

      This phrase isn't helpful.

    6. Blacks were a separate race

      You have to explain ideas like this better.

    7. (Gordon, 223).

      Introduce all quotes!

    8. “Even less did they know that that mobility took the form of a racial transformation unique to the American Southwest, that the same train ride had transformed them from Irish to white”

      Introduce all quotes!

    9. the spectrum of races

      What does that mean?

    10. n.

      Don't end sentences with prepositions.

    11. epends on where in the west

      Good point. Get it into the first paragraph.

    12. As the racial focus moves westward

      That doesn't make any sense.

    13. i

      was

    14. discrimination, economic power struggles, and cultural separation.

      This is just a laundry list. Cut this and expand your ideas in the first sentence instead.

    15. focused on

      Don't repeat phrases this way.

    16. Race is a tool of American westward expansion and American society in the late-nineteenth and early-twentieth centuries that’s categorization changes depending upon the location of history that is focused on

      Of course, I know what you're getting at here. However, this sentence is really awkward, I think because you're trying to repeat what we said in class. Explain the argument in your own words, and don't be afraid to take the whole paragraph to do that.

    1. And what other option

      Skip the rhetorical questions.

    2. he categorization of white vs. nonwhite led to economic disparities between the two groups.

      Yeah, you're definitely making this argument well.

    3. This is an important note because it explains that race was not the only factor being played in the west. It was also the views of culture and ways of life.

      This doesn't make sense.

    4. accounts

      recounts

    5. oddball

      Definitely the wrong word.

    6. Another example of this new form of race relations

      Don't make your essay sound like a list.

    7. possibly prosperity

      If you take my suggestion above, expand on this idea here a lot.

    8. as part of manifest destiny

      That needs unpacking.

    9. nhabitance

      inhabitants

    10. and that’s just how itwas

      Don't do this.

    1. heroes

      It's gonna take some effort to bring the Wounded Knee story into the argument you're developing, but it's definitely do-able.

    2. land of course was being taken

      I think they already took it by then.

    3. Racism is just the tool used to justify you taking of these things.

      Still a good point, but you need to explain it using different phrases.

    4. manipulatedto fit an agenda

      This is a REALLY good point. You could definitely anchor the whole paper explaining this.