Althoughthis was a time when women didn’ttake on careers or go to higher educationschools typically,Susan Anderson and Mary Walker were two women that went against the grain. They both became doctors, knowing that it was dominated by men.
By this point, all this is just repetitive. You should be able to expand on your point rather than restate it using the same words over and over.
dreams.
The kind of analysis in this paragraph should appear much earlier in the paper.
Now when it comes to both of these two women, what they had in common was a lot of different things.
Cut this. Pick one or two important ones instead.
In the book, QuiteContrary: Dr. Mary Edwards Walkerby HallMarjory,
1) I'm pretty sure it's Marjory Hall.<br> 2) This is a terrible way to make your points. Have some confidence in yourself. Explain things in your voice. Don't just quote all the way through.
General Finely
Who?
she had many issues regardingher gender and her field of work.
Are they the same as the last woman doctor or different? Explain.
According to the book Three 19th-Century Women Doctors: Elizabeth Blackwell, Mary Walker, Sarah Loguen Fraserby Mary K LeClair, Justin DWhite, and Susan Keeter,
This is very awkward wording. Do you really need this quotation? Could you paraphrase, for example?
Mary Walker was anotherwomen doctorthat had to go through some of the same issues as Susan Anderson with being a women doctor in a time frame where men where the dominate in that field.
How they are connected needs to be explained better, even if it's just by you, you should be more explicit about why you are drawing this connection.
either.
Same as last paragraph. You should be more confident about telling the story you read in your own words, in your own voice.
Enss
Who?
Her health became a challenge in itself to keep herself in shape on top of trying to prove herself to the people around town that a woman doctor is just as good and educated than amale doctor.
I'd like to see more of your summary analysis like this in the above paragraph and fewer quotes.
Cunningham, Penny.
This is not proper Turabian/Chicago format for footnotes. You're going to have to fix that.
Cunningham
Who?
Susan Anderson
Assume the reader knows NOTHING about either woman. Add the little details later.
Susan
I would make from here to the end of the paragraph your new second paragraph. Also, try to introduce your main characters and expand on a few of these points a little bit in that new paragraph.
Women
Paragraphs need to be indented. This isn't a business letter.
Kasper, Annie Oakley, 4.
Why does everything in this paper come from a single source?
After General (“Mad”) Anthony Wayne
Who? You can't just jump in like this. You need some context, please.
lifetime
This is a good argument.
Bibliography
Desiree! This is a research paper. You can't write a research paper with just one book!!!!
wenty years. How Jesse James became an outlaw has been looked at from many points of view, some sayhe was a southern sympathist fighting with the Guerilla troopsto support his families way of life with slavery, others say his family was attacked by unionist soldiers, and still some have called him a R
So what exactly is YOUR position (and why)?
Etulain
Who? Also, aren't there two authors for this book?
brother formed their own gang in 1868
Why?
his
Cut this paragraph entirely. Mention the syndrome somewhere else if you actually need it to make your argument.
Jesse James was believed to have had a syndrome
This seems completely out of left field in the place you've put it. Is this important to your overall argument? If so, move it toward the top of the essay?
he Guerilla troops in 186
Why spend so much time before he even becomes an outlaw?
“These strokes found him a boy; they left him a man-‐no, not a man, but a tiger with a fierce thirst for human gore than the mad man-‐slayer of the Indian Jungles”.
Introduce all quotes!!!
(Triplett,5)
Cut.
Triplett,5)
Cut.
Stiles says, “After the murder of the prisoners, Frank joined his comrades in a dash into Missouri City, where they spent the night pillaging local Unionist.”8
You should ask yourself every time you use a quote, "Is this author saying something uniquely interesting in the words they choose or should I just paraphrase them?" In this case, I'd definitely paraphrase and footnote.
Stiles
Who?
(triplett, xxx
There is no need to do this if you've actually footnoted the quotation.
“
For the 1200th time, introduce all quotations!!!
Civ
War
Etulain, Richard, W., Riley, Glenda
This part is wrong.
Breihan, Carl W
This is not the proper Turabian format for second references. You are going to need to fix that.
Breihan, Carl W
This is not the proper Turabian format for footnotes. You are going to need to fix that.
oy. Triplett
Who?
Breiham
Who?
Levy 163
There are like several million books on the gold rush out there, but all I see is Levy. This is a HUGE problem because it is indicative of inadequate research.
There were miners who gave up on finding gold and went in to business with their wives, boarding houses were springing up everywhere.
How many?
ee the elephant.
Lose the elephant stuff. It does nothing for this paper at all.
upmost
utmost
Levy
I really get the impression here that you are just summarizing a single book. This is a very bad idea. You are supposed to read a whole bunch of sources and then draw your own conclusions.
The women
Which women?
Reaching San Francisco, the women
Again, is this a particular set of women or all women? And how do you differentiate those who are going to the Gold Rush from plain old pioneers?
Reaching California, the pioneers all went their separate ways
Are we talking about one wagon train here or many?
The Humboldt
Which is what?
Chimney Rock
What's that?
Cholera
How does Cholera relate to gender?
None of them
Which women exactly?
The story of these women does not start after they arrived in California, it starts when they left their home in the east
Why?
(1849)”
Is this in the quote? Does it all come from Levy? It's unclear.
Kowalewski Michael
This is not proper Turabian/Chicago format for footnotes. We went over this in class. You're gonna need to fix it.
Many
How many? That's an important question, yes?
The California Gold Rush was the exception. The women played a leading role in this drama
I'm assuming this is the heart of the argument. I need to see a much better explanation here and a lot less of the exposition that comes before it.
Jonathon
Jonathan
fare
I'm going to need to see a bibliography.;
2012.
This is a little light on sources.
Another reason
Don't make your paper sound like a list.
s they ambushed Santa Anna and his army in San Jacinto
Which was when exactly?
Whilemany historians now agree that most of the stories about the Alamo are in fact myth, it does not change the importance that such a myth has had on the developing United States.
I didn't know this. How do you know? Why won't you explain that here?
debunking of the Last Stand myth
Which is what exactly?
several eyewitness account, confirm that soldadostook six or seven defenders captive.”2
You need to unwind a lot of background about the battle before you start using quotes like this. Where are we? When are we? Why is this happening?
1
Footnote goes outside the period.
Legend of Texas Independence
Why is this in caps?
Remember the Alamo!’
Don't do this. Try to relate the Alamo to any of the historical themes we've covered in this course instead.
shape not only the ideas and beliefs of Texas and the western United States, but also the nation as a whole.
How exactly?
Cummins, L. T.
This is NOT proper Turabian/Chicago format. You're gonna have to fix this throughout the paper.
C o b l e| 6Westerns,action-packed stories with heroes and villains, cowboys and gunfights. The plots range across deserts and mountains. Involving crimes, pursuits, and revenge. This describes the John Ford movie Stagecoach, because it has a handsome cowboy with a vendetta, who is searchingfor revenge. But this definition does not define the novel, or the movie, The Grapes of Wrath
Good news first. You have an absolutely fantastic argument here. Grapes of Wrath is not a Western story, It is an American story. The problem here is that you don't prove that argument at all. I know it sounds like a lot of work to totally reshape your argument, but I think the non-Stagecoach parts of this paper could very well be repurposed to that end if you give yourself enough time.
many westerns
But not all.
“But—you see, a bank or a company can’t do that. Because those creatures don’t breathe air, don’t eat side—meat. They breathe profits; they eat the interest on money. Ifthey don’t get it, they die the way you die without air, without side—meat. It is a sad thing, but it is so. It is just so.”2This is the image of America throughout time, only the fittest survive.Steinbeck showed this through a farmer speaking with a tractor driver by stating, “‘Well, what you doing this kind of work for—against your own people?’ ‘Three dollars a day. I got damn sick of creeping for my dinner—and not getting it. I got a wife and kids. We got to eat. Three dollars aday, and it comes every day.’”3
I like the middle here. More of that.
we’ll talk
This is not a good way to organize a paper. It should flow naturally from pone paragraph to another.
we’ll
Nope.
This novel was written instead to show, and to sway, Americans of the time to support and assistthe migrants of the West. It is an American story, not just the Wests
I really like this part of the argument. Imagine if you started your paper with it and ditched everything up to this point?
when compared to the movie Stagecoach, also directed by John Ford.
Isn't that a pretty narrow standard for Westerns?
In an article titled “California’s Grapes of Wrath,” Frank J. Taylor argued that Okies fared better in California than they did back in Oklahoma due to government relief. “Records of the FSA grant offices,” Taylor wrote, “indicate that many migrants earned under $200 a year back home-or les than one third the relief allowance in California. Thus thousands of Okies, having discovered this comparative bonanza, urge their kinfolk to join them in California.
I don't think this part helps you at all.
Hundreds of thousands of people left the 11dustbowl for California, all with different backgrounds and different parts of speech.
But we only get the Joads point of view in the novel, no?
to understanding Western history.
Why exactly?
This convergence
Which is Limerick, right?
The Grapes of Wrath, (Penguin Books, New York, 1939),
Second reference in Turabian would be Steinbeck, Grapes of Wrath, 283.
subjugation
subjagations
once
"[O]nce...
“once California belonged to the Mexicans,” Steinbeck wrote, “and a hoard of tattered feverish Americans poured in. And such was their hunger for land they took the land—stole Sutter’s land, Guerreros’s land, took the grants and broke them up and growled and quarreled over them, those frantic hungry men; and they guarded with guns the land they had stolen.”
Don't end paragraphs with quotations. Explain exactly how the quotation you just used proves your overall argument.
Turner
Who?
“Western.”
Don't be a fraid to add a few more sentences here to explain your position better right from teh beginning.
This paper shall argue that these are all essential concepts in Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath as well.
This is a VERY good approach to take, but it is better to make the argument right here than to announce your intentions this way.
There was also the sense of unity
I see what you're doing here and it's good, but I still think you need to do a better job explaining why you take the position you take on this question and explain that position all the way through the paper.
classifies
Wrong word.
This idea of unity i
This is better, but what idea of unity are we talking about here?
come.
Again, how does this paragraph relate to the question at hand?
aftermath.
I don't see what this paragraph has to do with whether or nor Grapes of Wrath is a Western.
migration to the Wes
Didn't you just cover that?
is considered a traditionalWestern
No, that is precisely what's up for debate here.
they’re searching for.
Your first paragraph should make a broad, general argument that will last you for the entire paper. Using this as the opening paragraph is going to box you in.
When it comes to books, movies, etc being consideredwestern it must have components that make it western.Now of course for something to be consideredWestern it needs to be set in the West, but Ialso think that the time frame is important too. Awestern is usually from the late 19thcenturysometimesa litter earlier than that. Not all western movies have to have the typicalcowboy and the tribe of Indians in order for it to be western.
All of this is just spinning your wheels. Make your point. Then prove it.
land,”
Less Limerick! More Steinbeck!!!!
e ar
You HAVE to focus on the question at hand here, Naomi. If something you write doesn't answer the question you were asked, then don't include it.
The Native Americans were no strangers to the hostile environments created by the white ma
You have gone far astray here.
Cowboys lived and breathed harsh environments; they had a diet of manly beef, slept without accommodations, like tents or did not sleep at all. They had been raised this way and many knew no different. Richardson sheds some light on the environment the cowboys came from, “The cowboy’s life was harsh, but quickly got a romantic image. Cowboys often went days without sleep, especially in the first two weeks of the drive when cattle were liable to stamped,” (Richardson, 71).
What does any of this have to do with the question you were asked? More Steinbeck. No Richardson.
rove,”(Steinbeck,2
There's more than one quote you can use to prove this point.
“Stagecoach,”
It's not a good sign when I've read this far and have yet to see a quotation from the book.
out.
Who?
ve. In many westerns there is often conflict or hostile environments in which the main characters must over come or live with.
Don't end sentences with prepositions.
. Another key factor would be the fact that the settlers in the west were nomads
You're just repeating yourself here.
a wester
This paragraph feels like you're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. It's better to just find one or two reasons, then explain them in depth.
that swa
Don't personalize it. Just argue.
tern to my u
Cut this. Just explain the reason why you think what you think right here.
(Steinbeck, 83)
To get to the right paper length, you're going to want to use more than one quotation for each similarity.
‘the monster.
Don't they just go from one monster to another?
reveals
Use different word. She did no such thing, but you're welcome to use her this way.
Somethingto compare the Joads as Okies so mentioning Joads also refers to Okies?
I don't know what this means, but you definitely need at least one more sentence in this paragraph. Three similarities seems like the perfect number.
Hollywood
Hollywood,
survive.
Nellie,
You HAVE to do a better job of answering the question you were asked. It is there for a reason and cannot be ignored if you want the best grades available.
survival.
You're just summarizing. That is NOT enough to answer this particular question.
Limerick writes, “the west was structured by the drawing of boundaries. From macrocosm to macrocosm, from imperial struggles for territory to parceling out of townsite claims, Western American history was an effort first to draw lines dividing the West into manageable units of propertyand to persuade people to treat those lines with respect.” 14
What does this have to with whether or not Grapes of Wrath is a western?
say’s
says
land.
Limerick footnote?
Patricia Nelson Limerick
Who? And how does this help you prove an argument that answers the question you were asked?
wagons.
The writing is good here, Nellie, but none of this helps you prove an argument that answers the question you were asked.
ike a scene
So?
The book starts
Again, the assignment is not a book review and this is not English class.
This paper will explain why this book is a traditional western.
Don't say what you're going to do. Just do it.
This is a wonderful novel about a family who is running away from a natural disaster called The Oklahoma dust bowl.
The assignment isn't a book review. You should directly answer the question you were asked. Then prove your answer.
westerns.
Desiree,
Go with land and racism. Make the whole paper about those two reasons. NOTHING ELSE. There's more than enough evidence to make just that two-pronged argument if you're willing to go look for it.
JR
Another reason
I don't even see why this is "western."
Stagecoach,
Stagecoach can be used as evidence of what a traditional western is, but I wouldn't lead a paragraph by summarizing it.
The issue that led up to Casy arising as a hero was the man that came to the camp asking if anyone wanted to work for him. Floyd began to question the man which upset him. The questions came because Floyd had negative experiences gaining low wages when he jumped on a job. Floyd continued to agitate the man by stating, “I’ll go mister. You’re a contractor, an you got a license. You just show your license, an then you give us an order to go to work, an where, an when, an how much we’ll get, an you gin that, an we’ll all go.” (Steinbeck, 275) In many westerns there are rebels trying to fight the “bad guy.” In the Grapes of Wrath, the bad guy was the land owners because they were asking so many men to go work which lowered the working men’s wages. Because of the issues they could not seem to overcome no matter what solutions they threw at it the people of the West had to face, there seems to be one that is commonly brought up in many traditional westerns, alcohol.
I don't understand this paragraph at all.
another commonality
Introducing a new explanation this late in the paper is a terrible idea.
traditional westerns such as Limericks
Limerick's book is not a movie or a novel.
“We measured it and broke it up. We were born on it, and got killed on it, died on it. Even if it’s no good, it’s still ours. That’s what makes it ours- being born on it, working it, dying on it. That makes ownership, not a paper with numbers on it.”
Who says this? Why?
Along
It is better to make a few arguments and explain them better than to make many arguments and not explain them sufficiently.
this brought the railroad into the story
This is a weak argument.
Along with this there are many other similarities between The Grapes of Wrath and westerns.
This is starting to look like you're throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks.
was the normal
What era? And where exactly?
other over land. Also, there is racism
It feels like you haven't made up your mind what your mind what your argument is. Is it land? Is it racism? If it's both, try to give them equal treatment here in your first paragraph.
are many aspects
Which ones exactly?
traditional western.
because...
workers.
Keep a tighter focus, Rebecca. If what you're writing doesn't help you prove your overall point then cut it and write something that does.
The relative morality that is first exposed through Casy pervades the novel
What does this have to do with the question you were asked?
It’s an anti-Western view of a man of the cloth.
The Casy part feels tacked on. Develop separately or drop.
be considered a truly Western character
Really? A powerful woman who isn't a damsel in distress?
he Grapes of Wrath
italics
The Grapes of Wrath is a modern story, a part of modern history, survivors of which are still alive today. T
This is a different argument. You might want to make it elsewhere, but it doesn't go here.
“Thus it might be that one family camped near a spring, and another camped for the spring and for company, and a third because two families had pioneered the place and found it good. And when the sun went down, perhaps twenty families and twenty cars were there.”
Out of context, this sounds exactly like a wagon train!
historical than modern
Where's the cut-off? Why?
This story cannot be called a Western.
The key is why.
When one thinks of Westerns, one calls to mind the cowboy, gunslinger drawing a six-shooter at high noon to end his foe. Or the farmer turned outlaw to exact his revenge on behalf of his murdered family. When reading The Grapes of Wrath, none of this comes to mind.
This is not an argument. Explain your argument about genres better instead of doing this.
even though they have some overlapping themes
You are under no obligation to undercut your own argument at the very moment that you make it.
Bibliography and Acknowledgements
This is a REALLY important page. Please be sure you save yourself enough time to write this page up as well as you can.
The New York Times,
You're treating this like a traditional history paper. It isn't. You are welcome to summarize her findings and just cite her at the end on teh acknowledgements page.
".
Periods go inside the quotation marks.
Boudin Bakery in San Francisco was established in 1849 during the California Gold Rush
More on this? It's your link between yesterday and today after all.
While sourdough is mostly made in connection with bread
I really don't like this page. Other than the fact that guy's nickname is "sourdough" it has nothing to do with your topic.
sourdough starter
Have you described exactly what a "starter" is yet?
The Klondike Gold Rush would become a large part of American and Canadian culture through films such as the 1925 film staring Charlie Chaplin titled The Gold Rush and the 1955 film set in the Klondike titled The Far Country. Though this is the case, The Far Country greatly ignored the features of the Klondike Gold Rush for a more traditional Western plot.
This is just padding. You have to keep the focus tighter on sourdough.
leavening
What does "leavening" mean?
Fermentation
What does breadmaking have to do with fermentation?
Calvin Trillin
Do you have access to the whole essay? I suspect it would make a great source for much of the rest of this Scalar.
No description available.
I really want to know where these pictures come from.
As history writes;
Cut.
The History of Kansas City BBQ http://ineedmybbq.com.
You can't do a good Scalar with someone else's videos.
Briefing
Wrong word
But the question begins, how did barbecuing first begin? Who thought about grilling ribs or a brisket on a grill? Was this just a tradition that American’s created to celebrate around the holidays?
I think it is far better to answer questions rather than ask them.
Bibliography
I want to see a lot more history in the text.
sharks.
I want to know more about this picrure!
Canneries and Seafood Factories on the Gulf Coast
Great pictures! Needs nice historical text to accompany all of them. And again, shrink and center the photos.
yield.
Have things always been this way?
The first mention of the harvesting of shrimp dates back to 600 C.E., but shrimping did not migrate to America's Gulf Coast until the mid-18th Century. Mobile, Alabama was the first center for seafood in the region because of its abundance of fish and shrimp around 1750. Louisiana, however, was the first place mentioned specifically for harvesting shrimp on the Gulf of Mexico. In 1774, French Traveler Le Page du Pratz witnessed the harvesting of shrimp in the coastal lakes and bays north of New Orleans by men using French-imported seine nets. The men used the nets while wading or in conjunction with skiffs in order to collect the shrimp. Just ten years later in 1784, New Orleans was the scene for the first public market that handled seafood, and in 1790 it saw its first dedicated fish market open.
I'd cut this. It's not directly relevant to your sub-project.
Many
You need to cut the size and center all of your pictures.
No description available.
The captions will be very important to all this advertising. Also, save them as bigger pictures, please.
1908 Jack Norworth and Albert Von Tilzer wrote the ballpark hit single, “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”. performed by Edward Meeker This song included the famed lyrics, “Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks”. The interesting fact about this song is, both Jack and Albert wouldn’t actually see a baseball game for a number of years after they wrote the song. This tune is played across the country at every baseball game to this day.
You need to move this to marketing.
What is a Cracker Jack?
Does this page belong earlier?
Television ads for Cracker Jack began in 1955. Jack Gilford is known for acting in these ads from 1960 till his retirement in 1972. Television advertisements have become the most efficient way to spread the word of your product.
This whole page seems very disjointed. Your voice should somehow tie all the marketing together into a short, coherent essay.
The trade marks for Cracker Jack were registered March 24, 1896 in the United States of America. In Great Britain the trade mark was registered September 18, 1897, and in Canada on March 13, 1901.
Cut or move as this isn't marketing.
Cracker Jack Inc. had absolutely no problem in this area.
Cut. Redundant.
Marketing by definition refers to the activities of a company associated with buying and selling a product or service. It includes advertising, selling and delivering products to the people.
ZZZZzzzzzzz.
Labeled as the pioneer of junk food, there is so much more the public at large can learn about Cracker Jacks.
One paragraph intro please. I don't think this sentence gets you anything, for example, so it could be cut.
Grahamite ideals
More on this, please. Especially since this page needs more food references.
Colony of Colorado
Time? Map?
Buildings and towns, he believed, should be organized octagonall
Is this food related somehow?
Although he is not featured in many works today,
Cut. Repetetive.
The rules were so strict here, one woman was said to have been kicked out for eating fish.
Ha. Ha.
carnal
carnivore?
Poet and friend to Amos Bronson Alcott
Good caption.
The vegetarianism that was practiced in the 19th century is different from that of today because by-and-large animal welfare, economics, and environmental concerns were secondary reasons for the plant-based diet, if considered at all. Protestantism, health, and ethical discipline were more widely considered, and this wave of American history created a new brand of moralism that encouraged the formation of these virtuous colonies well into the 1900s.
This actually sounds more like a conclusion than an introduction. Move to teh very end?
There
Space between paragraphs.
Vegetarians were no exception, and they used the tenants of Fourierism to create new communal settlements in America which focused on the moral duty of citizens.
This is actually a FANTASTIC introductory paragraph. However, the introduction needs to be short for web surfers. Cut this in two here. Move everything below to a new page.
Product
Not nearly enough history up yet?
After a few decades of research and development. protein powder begins to evolve. Many different forms of protein are emerging and the difference is what you put in your body matters.
How does this help you tell your story?
This page will eventually be filled with vegan protein information.
I seem to remember you telling me that the whole first half of this Scalar was going to be historical.
his video presented b
You need text! I need to know what you think.
protein.
So you do know how to link pages! Do that for your chapters too.
Theres a link pasted below and it is to a Facebook video of the modern day strong man and his shopping and eating habits. its simply amazing and a must watch.https://www.facebook.com/VICE/videos/1682307415159224/
Don't ask people to leave your page! Find it on YouTube, then embed it here.
The average adult needs 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram, or 0.8 grams of protein per 2.2 pounds of body weight per day. Strength training athletes need about 1.4 to 1.8 grams of protein per kilogram, of body weight per day. Endurance athletes need about 1.2 to 1.4 grams of protein per kilogram, of body weight per day.
ZZZzzzzzzzz.
The 1970s and 1980s
Divide into short paragraphs. Separate those paragraphs.
like that of the International Society of Sports Nutrition, or the ISSN. Athletes like Arnold Schwarzenegger
Too many details for a intro teaser paragraph.
replacement.
The picture is excellent! However, you need to shorten the intro text so that web readers will definitely read it all.
Protein Powder in America 1 media/IMG_5660.JPG media/Pro-Powder.jpg #eaeaea 2018-08-23T18:04:49+00:00 kenneth kester d023ce93bb1d49ea3ebba4d9f653ffb1795931f6 31276 17 splash 2018-09-17T18:32:45+00:00 kenneth kester d023ce93bb1d49ea3ebba4d9f653ffb1795931f6
You need to establish a relationship between this page and the one that starts the first chapter. That will get you the seem blue rectangular link that everyone else has.