8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2020
    1. Luckily, her mother (Spielberg) had the idea of having music be used while trying to help Valerie memorize information a lot easier. She would turn everything into a song. “She went from a C student to an A student.” (Spielberg) 

      fascinating--are there explanations from experts?

    2. pre-mature

      premature

    3. alled this TedTalk, “The Healing Power of Music”.

      probably belongs in your list of Works Cited rather than here. Author's name will suffice here

    4. Me: “So, in your opinion, why do you think different types of music affect us differently?”  Moon: “I think certain instruments or voices effect the brain to make us feel. For me, jazz music produces a sound that makes me feel classy and jumpy. I also believe that rhythm in voice or song make us feel certain ways due to the repetitiveness. I believe that voice and music effects the body positively, whether its releasing emotion or gaining emotion.” 

      try to avoid Q and A but rather synthesize what you learn in a paragraph, with a topic sentence

    5. I decided to interview my best friend

      why? does this person have a special knowledge and experience?

    6. personally think

      now remember your purpose is not to state your personal observations purely but to draw from the research and comment, right?

    7. where you

      why the shift to "you"?

    8. added to add

      rephrase?

    9. Why does this happen? 

      By "this" you mean, Why do people hate or love music? Do you mean why does music bring out extreme reactions? You might want to be precise in this way?

    10. WORKS CITED 

      please alphabetize rather than number sourceds Add personal interview?

    11. .) Raghavan, Rajeev, and Garabed Eknoyan. “Music, Musicians, Medicine, and the Kidney.” Seminars in Dialysis, vol. 27, no. 1, Jan. 2014, pp. 50–56. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/sdi.12121.  4.) Habibi, Assal, and Antonio Damasio. “Music, Feelings, and the Human Brain.” Psychomusicology: Music, Mind & Brain, vol. 24, no. 1, Mar. 2014, pp. 92–102. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1037/pmu0000033. 

      Glad you were able to find two relevant peer reviewed sources. Add one?

    1. Breaking Bad

      italicize title?

    2. because she is a fan of tv a

      can you find someone who has a professional perspective as well: a teacher of psychology or popular media or communications or ethics?

    3. tv

      TV

    4. interview my cousin, Kylie Travassos

      list in Works Cited, okay?

    5. Some of these characters may do horrible things that people would never do in real life, which makes some viewers feel better about themselves.

      interesting--can you comment further to explain?

    6. Another reason

      Can you tweak these transitions to vary them and make them even more meaningful?

    7. Instead, in our view the viewer gets morally engaged with the main character because of the moral development and change displayed by the morally ambiguous character over the course of the narrative, which is evidenced by increasing moral deliberation and shifting moral priorities during the narrative

      can you comment further on this complex idea?

    8. As time goes on you learn

      why shift to "you"?

    9. there are a staggering amount

      there is

    10. But does this make him a good person or a bad person?

      a very good question

    11. Dexter never means to kill innocent people, a lot

      edit for comma splice (using comma like period)

    12. Moral disengagement is the process of separating one’s internal moral standards from one’s actions.

      cite source?

    13. hese character’s

      these characters'

    14. the Western Journal of Communication: Some Like It Morally Ambiguous by

      This likely belongs in your list of Works Cited rather than here-=author's name will suffice here, I believe.

    15. Which got me thinking, why do audiences enjoy watching morally ambiguous characters?

      not quite a sentence

    16. Works Cited

      no personal interview?

    17. Krakowiak, K. Maja. “Some Like It Morally Ambiguous: The Effects of Individual Differences on the Enjoyment of Different Character Types.” Western Journal of Communication, vol. 79, no. 4, Aug. 2015, pp. 472–491., doi:10.1080/10570314.2015.1066028. Accessed 29 Feb. 2020 Kleemans, Mariska, et al. “Explaining the Role of Character Development in the Evaluation of Morally Ambiguous Characters in Entertainment Media.” Poetics, vol. 60, 2017, pp. 16–28., doi:10.1016/j.poetic.2016.10.003. Accessed 29 Feb. 2020

      Thanks for these two peer reviewed sources. One more is needed, right?

    1. Bill Murray

      the actor?

    2. Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. These feelings may push you away from these specific groups of people. “Studies found that using social media extensively can deteriorate interpersonal relationships in real-life and can lead to social isolation”

      I'm not sure I see the connection between envy and isolation--please explain

    3. Being together you

      why shift to "you"?

    4. ted talk,

      capitalize?

    5. There is a possibility that social media also connects us with people on another level. I personally have gotten closer with people over a phone screen rather than a person sitting in the same class as me. This screen saves me from the social anxiety that overcomes me during a simple conversation. 

      This section doesn't seem to belong in this paragraph, no?

    6. there is a threat of

      new sentence? please punctuate

    7. Not only is this

      Not only does

    8. Although these nine hours aren’t specifically spent on social media these nine hours we spend disconnected to those who are around us in reality.

      not quite a sentence, I believe

    9. Throughout my research, I will be collecting information to develop and support my hypothesis. Although this could go the opposite way of my thinking, my hypothesis is that we as adolescents and those of young age who have grown up on a phone screen no longer connect with interaction as well with other humans.

      helpful thanks

    10. Meaning social media networks have taken over our perception of others and taken over the way we communicate and bond with others. 

      note fragment

    11. I am here seldomly

      not sure about your meaning

    12. have you

      I'm okay with the use of "you" at the start but be mindful that it is very informal in writing (more acceptable in speech)

    13. Ghosal, Mayurakshi. “The Effects of Social Media on Relationships.” TED, www.ted.com/talks/mayurakshi_ghosal_the_effects_of_social_media_on_relationships.

      date of publication and access? One more source needed?

    14. Charoensukmongkol, Peerayuth. “The Impact of Social Media on Social Comparison and Envy in Teenagers: The Moderating Role of the Parent Comparing Children and In-Group Competition among Friends.” Journal of Child & Family Studies, vol. 27, no. 1, Jan. 2018, pp. 69–79. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1007/s10826-017-0872-8. George, Madeleine J., et al. “Concurrent and Subsequent Associations Between Daily Digital Technology Use and High-Risk Adolescents’ Mental Health Symptoms.” Child Development, vol. 89, no. 1, Jan. 2018, pp. 78–88. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/cdev.12819. Nesi, Jacqueline, et al. “Technology-Based Communication and the Development of Interpersonal Competencies Within Adolescent Romantic Relationships: A Preliminary Investigation.” Journal of Research on Adolescence (Wiley-Blackwell), vol. 27, no. 2, June 2017, pp. 471–477. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/jora.12274.

      glad to see these peer reviewed articles obtained by a database and listed properly and fully.

    15. I made my audience clear that I am talking to adolescents and a younger generation.

      good

    1. Dr. Alan Shackleford stated

      transition?

    2. Dravet syndrome

      explain what this is?

    3. ontrol, they can dose

      edit for comma splice (using comma like period)?

    4. Casarett states

      I like the signal phrase but a transition might be helpful?

    5. Marijuana has been around for thousands of years and has been used throughout the centuries and made into different commodities like hemp rope. Perlmutter states that Records show the use of cannabis that dates back to the sixth-century BCE all the way up to 1937 when it became illegal under federal law until 1996 when California allowed the research of medical marijuana.

      why not put earlier--as context?

    6. Two different studies both found that fewer people died from opioid overdoses as a result of Marijuana legalization.

      cite sources

    7. cannabis benefited with the pain of the body

      has diminished physical pain

    8. Although ethical considerations precluded the use of a control group, the results were dramatic. 18% of the subjects experienced a 75-100% reduction in seizures; 34% percent had a 50 to 75% reduction in seizures; 12% had a 25 to 50% reduction in seizures, and 26% had less than a 25% reduction in seizures.

      good--cite source and take care to use quotation marks when quoting

    9. searchers have observed chemotherapy patients consume doses of MM, and then feel an increase in appetite, they decided to try to test it on people with eating disorders, such as anorexia. Studies show a low dose of THC was associated with weight gain, but no change in the psychopathology of the eating disorder itself

      please cite source

    10. Anorexia was another disorder treated with medical marijuana.

      okay--good but slow down to discuss each of these diseases and their treatment

    11. In 2016 a study was done on 244 chronic pain patients that determined that medical cannabis use was associated with a 64% reduction in opioid use, fewer side effects, and a 45% improved quality of life according to Whiting.

      good use of source, although I would probably put this kind of information in its own paragraph--it's too important to be thrown in at the end of a paragraph about something else, right?

    12. you might ask

      why shift to "you"? seems very informal in writing, no?

    13. High Times Ahead by Steven B. Perlmutter in 2018 a poll was taken and people supported the legalization of marijuana for its medical use where 86% said yes, on that same pole people thought it would be a good source of tax revenue but little did they know in 2015 Arizona registered nearly 115000 patients for use of medical marijuana and received 29.5 million in tax revenue and nearly 6.7 billion nationwide in 2016 with an estimated impact by 2020 to receive close to 44 billion.

      This is a really long sentence. Can you find ways to break it up and use periods to separate them? There is a lot going on here--slow down, okay?

    14. Medical marijuana can be used for a plethora of different things like diseases that affect the immune system, including HIV/AIDS, multiple sclerosis (MS), which causes gradual loss of muscle control, inflammation, pain, seizures, substance use disorders, mental disorders this is only a handful of things that Medical Marijuana are used for.

      clear but remember your purpose, which is not to argue but to inquire and explore

    15. Weinstein, Lara Carson, and Brooke Worster. “Medical Cannabis: A Guide to the Clinical and Legal Landscapes: If Your Patient Expresses Interest in Medical Marijuana, You’ll Find Evidence on Maximizing Benefit While Minimizing Risk. But Be Cautious: Data Are Often Contradictory.” Journal of Family Practice, vol. 68, no. 7, Sept. 2019, pp. 390–399. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=138788487&site=ehost-live. Perlmutter, Steven B. “High Times Ahead: Products Liability in Medical Marijuana.” Health Matrix: Journal of Law-Medicine, vol. 29, Jan. 2019, pp. 225–291. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=136372414&site=ehost-live. Curry, Philip, and Wesley W. Wilson. “Legalization of Marijuana and Its Effects: An Introduction.” Economic Inquiry, vol. 58, no. 2, Apr. 2020, pp. 545–546. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/ecin.12877.

      Glad to see peer reviewed articles Remember to alphabetize by author's last name And you will need to add three sources, one being a personal interview

    1. There really isn’t the “College Premium” anymore, this is due t

      edit for punctation, here and elsewhere (using comma like period)

    2. Another article I read was by CNBC

      can you tweak this transition and topic sentence?

    3. thinks less people

      fewer?

    4.  According to U.S Bureau of Labor Statistics: 68% of students go to college after high school. Also, about 40% of students who start a four-year college career don’t finish and get jobs that in trades.

      good use of stats--cite source, okay? if not author give title of survey

    5. Vocational schools

      why capitalize?

    6. contacted my old plumbing instructor and I had asked him a few questions that I will elaborate about throughout the essay as I see fit.

      cite source's name

    7. More on the high school topic and trade schools

      please work on this transition to make it more informative and reader-friendly

    8. you gain i

      why the shift to "you"?

      Also remember your purpose: not to argue but to inquire and explore

    9. “the cognitive literature also provides an account of the kinds of knowledge that are exercised and developed within activities such as paid work that helps in understanding the kinds of knowledge to be learnt through vocational education.”

      please explain what the source is saying and why it is important

    10. book called “Vocational Education: Purposes, Traditions and Prospects”

      this can be put in your list of Works Cited rather than here

    11. Schools aren’t doing a shop environment anymore where they have different trades.

      not sure whether this sentence follows the one before it

    12. tradesman

      tradesmen?

    13. Billet Stephen, “Vocational Education: Purposes, Traditions and Prospects” Springer Science & Business Media. 2 Jul, 2011 Accessed: 4 March, 2020  Steven Bradham, Diman Plumbing Instructor, Interviewed 28 March, 2020  Wyman Nicholas, “Why We Desperately Need To Bring Back Vocational Training In Schools” Forbes Magazine 1 Sep, 2015 Accessed: 29 March, 2020   Franck Thomas, “Trade school, not 4-year college, is a better bet to solve the US income gap, researchers say” CNBC 12 Nov, 2017 Accessed: 29 March, 2020 

      Please begin with author's last name and alphabetize You are missing three peer reviewed sources

    14. new thing about this assignment is it really made me think about my career and what I may do with this learning experience one day.  Some of th

      glad to hear

    1. Along with my research, I found this article“The Risk of Radiation Exposure To Assisting Staff in Urological Procedures”,

      let's try to work on these transitions, okay--and topic sentences?

    2. you want

      why the shift to "you"?

    3. Another article I came across was how the role of radiation is present in the past, future, and now also how it involves cancer treatment.

      cite source. I am concerned by the lack of proper source citation (author's last name).

    4. e doing my research I came upon an article called “Patients Recalled From Breast Cancer Screening” that explains how some techniques that were being used were at a disadvantage to women while getting a breast cancer screenin

      cite author of study, please

    5. Furthermore

      I wonder if a different transition is needed, like, "Evidence of the harmful effects of radiation is described in an article. . . ."

    6. or humans, then there

      edit for comma splice (using a comma like a period), here and elsewhere

    7. According to some people, I’ve asked how

      According to some people whom I have asked, . . . many have told me. . . .

    8. I was a healthcare professional who always get asked

      note shift in tense: I was. . I . . . get

    9. Radiation Therapy Benefits & Effectiveness.” Targeting Cancer, www.targetingcancer.com.au/about-radiation-oncology/benefits-and-effectiveness/. Wana, Jenifer. “Is Everyone Doing Chemo Without Me?” The New York Times, The New York Times, 24 Sept. 2019, www.nytimes.com/2019/09/24/well/live/is-everyone-doing-chemo-without-me.html.

      dates of access (day you last visited)

    10. Areias, Ashley. 2020.

      Personal Interview? Date of Interview?

    11. Houben, I. P. L., et al. “Contrast-Enhanced Spectral Mammography as Work-up Tool in Patients Recalled from Breast Cancer Screening Has Low Risks and Might Hold Clinical Benefits.” European Journal of Radiology, vol. 94, Sept. 2017, pp. 31–37. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1016/j.ejrad.2017.07.004.   Jindal, Tarun. “The Risk of Radiation Exposure To Assisting Staff in Urological Procedures: A Literature Review.” Urologic Nursing, vol. 33, no. 3, May 2013, pp. 136–147. EBSCOhost, doi:10.7257/1053-816X.2013.33.3.136.   Pereira, Gisele C., et al. “The Role of Imaging in Radiation Therapy Planning: Past, Present, and Future.” BioMed Research International, vol. 2014, Jan. 2014, pp. 1–9. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1155/2014/231090.

      I'm pleased to see these peer reviewed articles, obtained via a database and properly listed--good

    12. While I was doing my draft I focused on not trying to argue my point but much rather explain

      good--you are being true to your purpose

    1. the direction of tail wagging movements is also directly involved in intraspecific communication.

      another instance of plagiarism (original below). I will stop reading here.

      There is now evidence that the direction of tail wagging movements is also directly involved in intraspecific communication. ... However, recent research has discovered that dogs produce facial expressions as an active attempt to communicate with others [16].Jul 31, 2018

      Communication in Dogs - NCBIwww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov › pmc › articles › PMC6116041

    2. Four basic hypotheses have been put forward to account for the findings. “Dogs attend to human communicative signals such as pointing and respond to them in human‐like ways. Importantly, it has been established that dogs’ responses in object choice tasks are highly flexible and are not based on either odor or on some kind of low‐level, non‐communicative cueing.” (Kaminski).

      okay: thanks for the citation and quotation--do you think you might use a signal phrase to introduce the quotation?

    3. Dog–human communication.

      subheading? If so put, above paragraph, rather than use it as a topic sentence (which it is not).

    4. Dogs also communicate via gustatory communication, utilizing scent and pheromones.

      I'm sensing that these are not your words/ideas yet I don't see quotation marks or cited author. This would be plagiarism, right? I will continue to read but will stop if I sense more instances of plagiarism. Here's the original: Search Results Web results

      Dog communication - Wikipediaen.wikipedia.org › wiki › Dog_communication Dogs also communicate via gustatory communication, utilizing scent and pheromones. Humans can communicate with dogs through a wide variety of methods. Broadly, this includes vocalization, hand signals, body posture and touch.

    5. How do dogs communicate with us? Dog communication is the transfer of information between dogs, as well as between dogs and humans. Behaviors associated with dog communication are categorized into visual and vocal. Visual communication includes mouth shape and head position, licking and sniffing, ear and tail positioning, eye gaze, facial expression, and body posture.

      a very efficient opening--good. Remember to cite author when borrowing

    6. Works Cited

      as you noted, a personal interview is missing

    7. Zachos, Elaina. “Dogs Use 19 Signals to Tell Us What They Want.” Dogs Use 19 Referential Signals to Communicate With Humans, 6 July 2018, www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2018/07/dog-referential-signaling-gestures/.

      date of access?

    8. Siniscalchi, Marcello, et al. “Communication in Dogs.” Animals (2076-2615), vol. 8, no. 8, Aug. 2018, p. 131. EBSCOhost, doi:10.3390/ani8080131.

      sorry: I see a third one here--good.

    9. Kaminski, Juliane, et al. “How Dogs Know When Communication Is Intended for Them.” Developmental Science, vol. 15, no. 2, Mar. 2012, pp. 222–232. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/j.1467-7687.2011.01120.x. Piotti, Patrizia, and Juliane Kaminski. “Do Dogs Provide Information Helpfully?” PLoS ONE, vol. 11, no. 8, Aug. 2016, pp. 1–19. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0159797.

      glad to see two peer reviewed articles (one more?), properly listed in MLA style

    10. I did for major assignment #2 because I found out how dogs communicate with humans by body language, scent, and braking and growling.

      good--sounds like you learned a. lot

    1. The FFM (a.k.a. Big Five), proposes the broad traits of neuroticism, extraversion, openness to experience, agreeableness and conscientiousness.   What are they? Who invented it? Give examples? Find studies?  

      I don't follow

    2. “Your personal happiness has everything to do with the conscious choices and the sincere amount of work you put into living a good life to flourish, thrive and be joyful even while you may be living in painful and seemingly hopeless circumstances.”

      please cite source

    3. Rogers believed

      can you identify who this person is?

    4. Also, to have a positive outlook on life for instance.

      edit for fragment

    5. You have the choice of making yourself happy, but other people can make you happy too.

      shouldn't you be relying on research rather than your own personal assertion?

    6. you have

      why the shift to "you"?

    7. How is it considered a “choice”?:

      I'm not quite seeing an essay structure so far, more question and answer: why?

    8. Pursuit of Happiness, 2018). 

      author's last name will suffice here

    9. Ortet, Generós, et al. “Personality and nonjudgmental make you happier: Contribution of the Five- Factor Model, mindfulness facets and a mindfulness intervention to subjective well-being.” PLoS ONE, vol. 15, no. 2, 2020, p. e0228655. Gale Academic OneFile, https://www.bristolcc.edu:2512/apps/doc/A613180218/AONE?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=AONE&xid=45e287ca. Accessed 26 Feb. 2020.   Fisher, Joshua J., et al. “Happiness and physical activity levels of first-year medical students studying in Cyprus: a cross-sectional survey.” BMC Medical Education, vol. 19, no. 1, 2019, p. NA. Gale Academic OneFile, https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A610287847/AONE?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=AONE&xid=aab8d508. Accessed 5 Mar. 2020. Wagner, Cynthia G. “How to buy happiness: choosing between stuff and experiences.” The Futurist, vol. 41, no. 5, Sept.-Oct. 2007, p. 6+. Gale Academic OneFile, https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A167824181/AONE?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=AONE&xid=d064fa32. Accessed 5 Mar. 2020.

      Thanks for these three peer reviewed sources, obtained via database, and formatted in MLA style--nice Now you must add to these sources, right? You will need two more, credible sources and one interview.

    10.   https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A613180218/AONE?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=AONE&xid=45e287ca  

      not sure what this is--please follow MLA format

    1. Yes, doing t

      Postwrite? Please label?

    2. get Arthritis

      no capital letter needed

    3. Treatment people should do when they have or may get the heart disease would be to improve the blood flow to the heart muscle

      relevance to your question?

    4. Some symptoms a person can experience when having or getting a heart disease would be chest pain,

      I'm not sure how this information answers your research question

    5. LDL is known as the “bad” cholesterol because it is the waxy type of cholesterol that forms plaque in your arteries. “ Cholesterol-lowering medications, such as satins, may help you control your LDL levels.”  Smoking: “smoking damages the arteries and can prevent enough oxygen from reaching the body’s tissues, organs and muscles.” Diabetes: “ High levels of blood sugar (glucose) in your body can also harm the artery walls.” and Obesity: “ Carrying too much weight can strain the heart and increase your odds of developing high blood pressure and diabetes.” These four factors that I just mention are something a person can get or develop if they don’t properly take care of themself and their health conditions because then it can lead to a more serious situation. 

      cite sources

    6. Men are prone to getting a heart disease at the age of 45, and women are likely to get it at the age of 55

      cite source doesn't this work against your theme that young people can have these diseases?

    7. Some of the causes and risk factor that has to do with heart disease would be atherosclerosis, “which is a build-up plaque that’s in the coronary artery wall where they can contain the cholesterol, fats, calcium and other materials”

      please cite source Note also the comma fault in the next sentence

    8. A heart disease ” is heart failure, which describes a heart muscle that is not strong enough to pump blood throughout the body.”

      please cite source

    9. be Heart Disease

      no caps necessary

    10. So my advice to anyone

      remember your purpose in this paper? It's to explore not offer advice, right?

    11. Some of the symptoms are depression, delusions, wandering, aggression, and emotional reaction to events

      cite source

    12. they

      not sure who "they" refers to

    13. Some of the common symptoms for this disease would be poor memory, loss of language, loss of voluntary movements, and loss of the ability to recognize people they should remember.

      cite source

    14. This is a common disease that can also happen to younger people, i

      have you shown this? not sure I'm seeing the research here

    15. which are also nerve cells in certain parts of the brain where it’s causing it to deteriorate and die based on what happens with these neurons.

      cite source?

    16. where there’s damaging  neurons

      note the pattern: when you use "there is" you often use "is" instead of the more correct "are" with plural subjects. I might suggest avoid using "there" near the start of a sentence

    17. This is not an easy disease to deal with but with the right help and support from family and friends you can keep on going on with life there’s going to be moments where someone wants to remember or have a simple conversation with someone but it’s very difficult because there illness doesn’t give the person the capacity to have a simple conversation.

      see my comments above about editing for punctuation

    18. there illness

      their

    19. “Alzheimers is a type of cognitive impairment (once known as dementia) and the most common degenerative brain disorder.”

      good--I'm glad to see you provide some support from your research. But you will need to do two more things: Introduce your quotation with a signal phrase (for example, "One scientist writes that. . . .) and cite your source in text (per MLA--author's last name needs to appear somewhere in this sentence.

    20. But that’s incorrect people don’t have to be sixty and over to get Alzheimers, anyone from sixty and younger get it as well but it’s less common.

      please edit for punctuation: note that in one instance you've forgotten to use a period and in another you've used a comma like a period. I'd be glad to help.

    21. There’s always a purpose as to why things happen in our lives that we don’t comprehend the reasons why  and not have control over the situation so we sometimes ask ourselves questions that we think we don’t

      I wonder if you might begin this opening paragraph in a more efficient way--getting to your question more quickly. I note also a need to edit this long sentence, don't you?

    22. there’s these illnesses

      there are

    23. whether you

      why the shift to "you"?

    24. answer too.

      answer to

    25. Cited Work

      not in MLA format I can't tell whether you have peer reviewed sources, nor do I see a personal interview.<br> Please begin each listed work with the author's last name,, okay?

    26. “Heart Disease.” MedlinePlus.  January 23, 2020 (Mayo Clinic)  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20353118?p=1  (accessed March 20, 2020)    “Alzheimer’s Diseases”  (Mayo Clinic). December 8, 2018.  https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alzheimers-disease/symptoms-causes/syc-20350447  (accessed March 20, 2020).

      are these peer reviewed sources obtained with a database? Please use MLA format so I can tell: include name of database, please

    1. I did an interview with my high school technology teacher, Mr. Frost.

      I'd like to see a topic sentence here--containing the core idea that you learned from the itnerview

    2. In one article that I found, CNN “ How video games can make you Smarter” brings up a lot of good points to tell about

      Can you work on this topic sentence to make it more informative?

    3. Video games provided brand new learning skills.

      good, clear topic sentence

    4. Many people see video games as time wasters but now there’s a growing amount of people who think that video games have educational purposes.

      another useful topic sentence

    5. Quote

      why the capital?

    6. In a study that Adachi conducted, the goal of the presented study was to examine whether strategic video game play predicted self-reported problem solving skills among a sample of 1,492 adolescents (50.8 % female), over the four high school years (Adachi).

      I am concerned that you you have quoted a source without the appropriate punctuation--quotation marks

    7. f you

      why the shift to "you"?

    1. can be causes to some tragedies caused b

      rephrase?

    2. this time called, “Neuroticism and Facebook Addiction” by Abbasi, and Drouin, the article says that those who suffer from soci

      put in list of Works Cited rather than here?

    3. I bet you if Social Media wasn’t around, we would see a rapid decrease in violence among our teens and our public places.

      do you have evidence in support of that claim?

    4. Somerset Police Department Dispatcher

      no consent to use name or false name?

    5. In an article titled, “Cyberbullying” (Ortega, Calmaestra, Merchan) the piece of writing explores cyberbullying using a specific questionnaire to 830 students with ages between 12-18 years.

      please cite author in text

    6. Especially, considering they say that most of those shootings, the shooter had posted something about the shooting happening, before it even happened. School Shootings, however, have a much darker tale told about the killer.

      fragment

    7. The stat I said about mass shootings in the country on the rise is very alarming.

      note the abrupt shift as you return to your original topic

    8. The President then goes on to saying inappropriate things that you wouldn’t expect him to say, but the plot twist is that it wasn’t actually the president speaking at all, it was a computer generated video of President Obama that looked very realistic.

      quite disturbing, yes

    9. Another topic that came up during this election and still is a fiery topic to this day as long as social media exists and technology advances, is the question of “What is fake news?”

      Again, I am trying to see the logic of your organization: can you try to go back to your original question?

    10. This meaning, that whomever a voter may follow on social media, if surrounded by posts in favor of a single political candidate, they were more likely to vote for that candidate.

      fragment

    11. Although, when you take a deeper dive into the question on did the use of social media have an affect on the 2016 Presidential Election, you may come across an article called “Like, Post, and Distrust? How Social Media Use Affects Trust in Government” by Elad Klein and Joshua Robison.

      edit for fragment I'm no not sure it follows from the sentence before. I sense the need for a topic sentence in this paragraph

    12. This is just from the way I see it

      not sure of the point or relevance of this sentence

    13. he Donald Trump Campaign was unlike any other, as he was a very rare, unfiltered, and unapologetic candidate, where any thing “ground-breaking” he said, could be instantly viewed seconds after he spoke it across multiple platforms to millions of Americans. Due to his extreme beliefs and “non-sugarcoating” proposals, there became a big gap between those who may agree with his ideals, and those who don’t.

      I get the sense that you've lost your thread in this paragraph?

    14. A lot more than the previous election in fall of 2012, when Social Media hadn’t really had its major affect on society like it does now.

      note fragment

    15. makes you

      why the shift to "you"?

    16. insane increase

      perhaps a more precise phrase could be used?

    17. Since December of 2012, There has been 2,389 reported mass shootings in the United States alone

      Please cite your source Don't you need a transition between the first and second sentence?

    18. Ortega, Rosario, et al. “Cyberbullying.” International Journal of Psychology & Psychological Therapy, vol. 8, no. 2, July 2008, pp. 183–192. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=32920933&site=ehost-live.   Abbasi, Irum, and Michelle Drouin. “Neuroticism and Facebook Addiction: How Social Media Can Affect Mood?” American Journal of Family Therapy, vol. 47, no. 4, July 2019, pp. 199–215. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/01926187.2019.1624223.   Klein, Elad, and Joshua Robison. “Like, Post, and Distrust? How Social Media Use Affects Trust in Government.” Political Communication, vol. 37, no. 1, Jan. 2020, pp. 46–64. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/10584609.2019.1661891.

      good to see you use databases Form is okay but sources will need to be alphabetized and dates of access included

    19. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyaYMOCt_Ug&t=205s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ54GDm1eL0 Interview Somerset Police department dispatcher 2020

      please follow MLA format

    20. On my second draft,

      this is your second draft, no?

    21. help favor your side of the argument.

      is this paper supposed to be an argument? or is its purpose inquiry and exploration?

    22. convince the audience to see my proposal.

      not sure I follow

    1. of Psychologists

      why the capital?

    2. “Light from electronic screen devices can alter the melatonin secretion and thermoregulation. It can also have an impact on sleep physiology and sleepiness measures, cognitive performance and mood” (Green). According to research an increase in exposure to light intense device usage, biological rhythms were altered, body temperatures were declined and melatonin secretion was nearly nonexistent. “These changes may directly or indirectly lead to the next morning’s behavioral and functional deficits, such as greater sleepiness and inattention. As larger populations are exposed to this ‘light pollution’ emitted from these devices, effects on our health, cognition and daily function may be pervasive and significant” (Grandbois).

      While I appreciate the relevance of this data, I am concerned that your voice is being squeezed out.

    3. Adults are not unaffected by the recent rise in popularity of electronic device usage.

      I like this transition very much.

    4. “US teens spend an average of more than seven hours per day on screen media for entertainment, and tweens spend nearly five hours, a new report finds — and that doesn’t include time spent using screens for school and homework” (Rogers).

      good, useful data. Can you introduce the quotation with a signal phrase?

    5. on the regular.

      as a matter of routine?

    6. after sleep, however, more

      edit for punctuation?

    7. According to a study done by Saveetha University, “Sleep-wake cycles consist of roughly 8 hours of nocturnal sleep and 16 hours of daytime wakefulness.

      A helpful paragraph but do you mind beginning with your own topic sentence before quoting? By the way, is the last sentence a quotation, too?

    8. his raises the question, is there a correlation between screen time and sleep, and what are the consequences of frequent exposure to screens on sleeping patterns.

      punctuate with. a question mark?

      I really like this opening paragraph--clear, focused and inforrmative

    9. Work Cited

      no personal interview?

    10. Exelmans, Liese, and Jan Van den Bulck. “Technology and Sleep: How Electronic Media Exposure Has Impacted Core Concepts of Sleep Medicine.” Behavioral Sleep Medicine, vol. 13, no. 6, Nov. 2015, pp. 439–441. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/15402002.2015.1083025.

      good form! and thanks for using databases!

    11. evidence to prove my point? I

      is this your purpose--to prove a point? Or is it to inquire and explore?

    1. are stealing jobs

      note the emotional resonance in this phrase--and perhaps bias?

    2. on the Washington Post called, Yes, Undocumented Immigrants Take Jobs From Americans,

      shouldn't this be included in your list of Works Cited rather than here?

    3. By putting them in the labor force, jobs

      edit for grammar and clarity: who is putting them into the labor force?

    4. Taking away jobs from the natives is another reason why Americans have a negative attitude towards illegal immigrants. It is becoming harder to find a job in the United States

      I am noting that you are arguing one side. Shouldn't you be in the inquiry mode? Shouldn't your purpose be to ask questions and to explore a range of possible answers?

    5. This proves that things are unfair  because Americans are paying more taxes.

      Is this accurate? what do your peer reviewed sources say? Don't undocumented pay sales taxes, payroll taxes?

    6. If you are

      why the shift to "you"? Whom are you addressing?

    7. rom the New York Times by Liz Robbins, Driving While Undocumented, And Facing The Risks, states

      Can you rephrase for a smoother transition and for grammar?

    8. Since these illegal immigrants have no licenses,

      I'm confused: is the issue that they have no license or that they have license as an undocumented immigrant? I'm guessing the first but I am not sure.

    9. There are

      note how many times you begin a sentence with "There is/are". See if you can monitor this and begin a sentence with a subject?

    10. illegal immigrants

      I suggest using a different more precise term: undocumented immigrants.

    11. What Is American Attitudes

      What are American attitudes. . . .

    12. Jost, Kenneth. “Immigration Conflict:Should States Crack Down On Unlawful Aliens?” Bristol Libraries Remote Access, Date Accessed- February 28, 2020 www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=24&amp;sid=aa2fa401-2048-4790-aa32-aba76f9b9283%40sessionmgr4006&amp;bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3D%3D#AN=119942242&amp;db=aph.

      glad to see. you use database Remember to alphabetize by author's last name, givenname of database and include the title of the journal from which the article came

    13. t is a very easy way of researching information and I’m glad I learned to use it. Now I can use it to my advantage in the future.

      glad to hear it

    1. “Online rumors can have real world consequences” (Brooking)

      indeed. Now try to avoid ending paragraphs (or beginning) with quotations, okay?

    2. “I have pictured here just some content that trafficked Sri Lankan social media last year. To the left we see a claim that the Muslim minority are hoarding 23,000 sterilization pills that they intend to use against the Buddhist majority. And then to the right, we see WhatsApp traffic between a few Buddhist nationalists….they’re not going to let it stand, they send pictures of the weapons they’re going to use to ensure that the pills are never put into use…over the course of 3 days because of this viral misinformation we have a Buddhist mob who descend on Muslim houses…they burn mosques, beat people, burn one man alive. …Sri Lankan government has to declare a state of emergency because of this misinformation…social media did not cause but sure exacerbates it.”

      cite author? and comment?

    3. “I think you have to at some point be honest with what’s happening in the real world, as opposed to what you’d like to have happened”. On occasion, large numbers of people eschew incorrect information in favor of knowledge” (Hochschild; Einstein) On the other hand, many may believe any information on social media sites that they see. “Although the internet provides immense opportunities, it also lowers the cost of generating and disseminating information, allowing misinformation and sensationalized stories to propagate. What was once spread locally can rapidly become global, with ideas no longer confined or delayed by geography. This has generated a series of studies of information diffusion (Serrano et al., 2015), rumour spread (He et al., 2015), and consequent behavioural changes (Salathé and Khandelwal, 2011; Wakamiya et al., 2016).”

      take care: you string together alot of sources here Remember to use signal phrases . And you seem to quote within quotations--a bit unclear what some of these in text citations refer to.

    4.  This issue is highlighted in a CBC News video, covering the specific pieces of misinformation surrounding the coronavirus (COVID-19). In the video, the reporter states “Search social media these days and you’ll find plenty of this—unverified video of people in China apparently falling to the ground stricken with the coronavirus.

      I really like the timeliness of this information--nice But don't forget to cite the author

    5. In fact, Facebook is used daily by 74% of users

      cite source? Pew?

    6. According to a study from Pew Research Center, in 2005 just 5% of Americans used social media. As of 2019, the percentage rose to a staggering 72%

      good--very telling stat

    7. The impact of misinformation can be damaging and more permanent than meets the eye.

      indeed--good point

    8. it’s users

      its

    9. Works Cited

      Impressive: good form and a very fine range of sources (and from databases).

    10. To produce this draft, I considered my audience. I think that by doing that I was able to form my words how I intended to. My theory of writing was that writing should be done with intention. I am passionate about the subject I wrote about and keep in mind that I want to keep all my research well organized while remaining interesting.

      good, thoughtful response, using some of our key terms

    1. counting student loans, it’s no

      comma splice: use period between sentences?

    2. According to Bennett and Wilezol

      thank you for this signal phrase and the other signal phrases and citations--nice

    3. book they published, ‘Is College worth it?’

      put into list of Works Cited?--not sure needed here

    4. Doug Webber who researches such things states, “the typical college student graduate will earn roughly $900,000 more than the typical high school graduate over their working life” (Newton).

      nice, compelling evidence

    5. you want

      why the shift to "you"?

    6. rising cost of a college degree by stating that according to a study in 1996 by the General Accounting Office, tuition and fees in public colleges have increased a significant 234 percent since the 80’s and 220 percent in private colleges (Barry)

      okay--good. I see that you've connected both of your key ideas--cost and value

    7. leads his rea

      reveal his reasoning?