8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2020
    1. ‘’Avatars will become more realistic, says Mark Stephen Meadows, as noted, people instinctively want their avatars to became rea

      see earlier comment about topic sentences

    2. Sarah Rense, her approach to video games is that not only will those halt the progression of the disease but also reverse the effects of dementia, thus dedicating time to gameplay that promotes growing the cognitive abilities result from engaging in those particular genres of games improving different areas of a person’s mental abilities, a good example is racing games.

      should this be moved earlier?

    3. players intuition

      players'

    4. ‘’The digitalization of the real world to a new informational layer over objects, people or environments, needs to be processed and mediated by tools that amplify the natural human senses.’’(GOUVEIA P. 2008)

      I recommend beginning paragaphs with your own topic sentence rather than with a quotation: to help focus your writing.

    5. allowing, even, patients of cancer, chronic pain, depression, Crohn’s Disease, Alzheimer’s and of terminal disease subjects as ALS patients, to tap into a sense of control and experience other sense of freedom. These games are beneficial because the whole family benefits; being a valuable tool for optimal managing relationships.

      fascinating--but please cite source!

    6. Following the TED Talks of game designer Jane McGonigal, in the presentation on ‘’The game that can give you 10 extra years of life’’, she mentions that after suffering a traumatic brain concussion and seeing herself struggle with lack of focus and determination, began decided to develop a different game genre.

      I sense the need for a smoother transition and/or topic sentence

    7. good and bad aspects, however, a

      comma fault, here and elsewhere

    8. Playing games brings a better correlation between these aspects

      cite source?

    9. medial region, it plays

      comma fault

    10. Korean-born Fluxus artist Nam June Paik is credited with having made the first pieces of Video Art (Atkins R. 2013).

      new paragraph? transition?

    11. ity and to explore the potential impact of COVID-19 on loneliness and well-being.

      seems almost a tangential concern here?

    12. s help to accelerate the acceptance process in virtual communities and to show how they facilitate the development of social skills when used as learning material.

      actually, the purpose of this essay is to inquire and seek possible answers to questions rather than argue a thesis, right?

    13. ’Video games have a great positive potential in addition to their entertainment value and there has been considerable success when games are designed to address a specific problem or to teach a certain skill.’’ Griffiths 2002  

      interesting statement

    14. Sources: McGonigal, J. (2008). ‘’The game that can give you 10 extra years of life’’ Retrieved from <https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life> viewed 21/10/2020   McGonigal, J. (2010) ‘’Why we are better in games than we are in real life’’ Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world?language=en#t-396858>  viewed  17/10/2020 Rense, S. (2017) Playing Video Games could help prevent Alzimer’s. Retrieved from <https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/health/a14379049/video-games-prevent-alzheimers/Dec,7,2017> viewed 20/10/2020 ATKINS, R. ArtSpeak: A Guide to Contemporary Ideas, Movements, and Buzzwords, 1945 to the Present. New York / London: (2013) Abbeville Press Publishers. ATKINS, B. More than a game, the computer game as fictional form, (2003) Manchester University Press. GRIFFITH, M. Education and Health. Vol 20.3 (2002) GOUVEIA, P. Fiction and Embrodiment Augmented reality, (2008) Phd thesis, University Nova of Lisbon. GUNTHER, B. Psychological Effects of Video Games in Handbook of Computer Game Studies, (edit Joost Raessens & Jeffrey Goldstein), (2005) Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press, pp. 145-60. MEADOWS, M. S. I, Avatar, The Culture and Consequences of Having a Second Life, (2008) New Rid

      Please use MLA format rather than APA. And please indicate use of databases.

    1. hers scanned the brains of 40 different people while they took part in a task that offered them rewards to carry suitcases across a border.

      cite source

    2. For the British prisoners, those who received vitamins, minerals, and fatty acids committed an average of 26.3% fewer offenses than those who had received the placebo. It showed a decrease in offenses of more than 35%, while the placebo-taking prisoners’ records remained stable. Even a study in the Netherlands replicated the same effect. So now Raine is trying to test a similar intervention for children.

      cite source

    3. A 34% reduction in criminal activity at the age of 23 when compared with a control group that did not receive the intervention.

      not a sentence

    4. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 2010).

      thanks for citation but please use MLA form

    5. aggression and social interactions that is implicated in crime is called amygdala.

      cite source or did you know this already?

    6. Calderon, 2018

      okay--thanks. last name will suffice per MLA

    7. In Texas in 1978, Thomas Barefoot had been convicted of killing a police officer.

      cite source

    8. Calderón, A. (2018, August 15). A Dangerous Brain. Retrieved October 27, 2020, from https://www.themarshallproject.org/2018/08/14/a-dangerous-brain

      not MLA form (seems closer to AP). I also don't see three peer reviewed articles obtained from databases or an interview yet.

    9. Citations:

      Works Cited

    10. Maybe if they can figure it out, we can hopefully stop all of the violence that continues to go on around us, so we can have a safer place to live and to grow up!

      I don't see a postwrite

    1. There is not doubt

      not a doubt

    2. Also, keeping a portfolio organized and up to date is one way for students to get an easy  “A”.

      not sure I see the point--is getting an easy A what assessment is about?

    3. ne alternative to letter grades is to have students perform self-assessments.

      cite souce?

    4. Research shows that “Ditching traditional letter grades reduces stress levels and competition among students, levels the playing field for less advantaged students, and encourages them to explore knowledge and take ownership of their own learning”

      I recommend that you begin paragraphs with your own topic sentence that will help focus your paragraphs

    5. (insert source)

      ? cite source?

    6. The point of school is to actually learn, regardless of whether or not the information will be needed in the future.

      remember your purpose in this essay: to inquire, not to argue, right?

    7. “5 Alternatives to Traditional Grading Methods: Edchat Recap.” Educational Technology Blog,4Feb.2013,thinkonline.smarttutor.com/5-alternatives-to-traditional-grading-methods-edchat-recap/.  Best_Schools. “Eliminating the Grading System in College: The Pros and Cons.” TheBestSchools.org,Thebestschools.org,12Dec.2019,thebestschools.org/magazine/eliminating-grading-system-college-pros-cons/.  Harper, Amelia. “Can Ditching Letter Grades Improve Student Learning and Engagement?” Education Dive, 15 Feb. 2019, www.educationdive.com/news/can-ditching-letter-grades-improve-student-learning-and-engagement/548292/.  “Faculty Resource on Grading (FROG).” Faculty Resource on Grading – Grading Practices – Pros and Cons of Typical Grading Practices,  depts.washington.edu/grading/practices/prosandcons.html.

      Works Cited I don't see three peer reviewed sources obtained from a database or an interview that you've conducted

    8. my audience in mind

      can you identify that audience (other than your teacher or peer)?

    1. Despite the stereotype of marijuana

      stereotype of marijuana as . . . .

    2. there’s a i

      there is an

    3. NIH MMH)

      not MLA form

    4. Justified reasons being it’s easier to control the test subjects, scientists are able to monitor levels without extra outside factors (I.e. Smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol or any preconditioned medical issues).

      not quite a sentence

    5. According to research studies conducted cannabinoid distribute themselves to the brain and attach themselves to areas such as the cortex, hippocampus, cerebellum and the nucleus.

      cite source I am becoming concerned by the lack of citations.

    6. When marijuana is consumed via smoking, THC and other chemicals in the plant are carried through the lungs and directly into the bloodstream .

      I sense the need for a topic sentence to help focus this paragraph, don't you?

    7. r even months depending on the usage, usually a high only lasts from 1-3 hours depending on how much was consumed

      cite source

    8. he reason being it has to pass though the digestive system and then into the bloodstream,

      not quite a sentence

    9. Common response to marijuana includes laughter, delayed reaction time, increased appetite and a sense of relaxation.

      are you drawing this from your research? if so, please cite source

    10. use to understand that ,is to truly understand the consequences for smoking marijuana.

      Can you ask your question in a more direct and focused way? I'm not sure I am seeing it yet.

    11. adolescence brain compared to an adults brain

      adolescent's . . . adult's

    12. there a true

      are

    13. you use

      why the shift to "you"?

    14. Do you want to have a quick thrill but with long term consequences?

      or not?

    15. less people

      fewer people

    16. First source: NIH National Institute of HealthDrug abuse.govNIDA. 2020, April 8. What are marijuana’s long-term effects on the brain?. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/marijuana/what-are-marijuanas-long-term-effects-brain on 2020, October 20 Second source: European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical NeuroscienceEur Arch Psychiatry Clin Neurosci. 2019; 269(1): Claire Gorey,1,2 Lauren Kuhns,#1,3 Eleni Smaragdi,#1 Emese Kroon,1,3 and Janna Cousijn 1,31Department of Psychology, Addiction Development and Psychopathology (ADAPT) Research Center, University of Amsterdam, P.O. box 15916, 1001 NK Amsterdam, The Netherlands2Dynamics of Externalizing (DEXTER) Lab, Department of Psychology, University of South Florida, Tampa, FL USA3The Amsterdam Brain and Cognition Center (ABC), University of Amsterdam, Amsterdam, The NetherlandsJanna Cousijn, Email: ‮moc.liamg@njisuoc.j‬. THE AMERICAN JOURNAL OF DRUG AND ALCOHOL ABUSE 2018, VOL. 44, NO. 1, 4–18 http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/00952990.2017.1306746

      formatting seems off: can't tell peer reviewed sources from other sources. Remember to alphabetize sources and to give full information per MLA

    17. Getting high may be fun but definitely risks and rewards to doing so.

      I see no postwrite.

    1. Because of this problem we have created as consumers, we should solve it by raising more awareness and educating people on ways to choose alternatives (

      remember your purpose here: not to propose solutions but find possible answers to the question you pose

    2. The visible trash, along with heartbreaking images of its impact on everything from turtles to birds to whales, has generated a public outcry” (EBSCO, Parker).

      Try to avoid starting paragraphs with quotations or paraphrases but rather start with your own topic sentences, okay? That will give your paragraphs shape and focus and will help the reader navigate.

    3.    Nowadays

      This seems more like speaking than formal writing, doesn't it?

    4. Pollution can mean a lot of different things.

      not sure what this means: rephrase for clarity?

    5. CNN, Walsh)

      author's last name sufficient

    6. Parker, Laura. “Little Pieces, Big Problems.” National Geographic, vol. 235, no. 5, May 2019, pp. 42–55. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=135541723&site=ehost-live&scope=site.

      glad to see a peer reviewed article (if that what this is) from a database. Please include DOI? You will need two more, right? And an interview?

    7. Please explain.  For this draft I mainly focused on paraphrasing quotations more, so the paragraphs have better flow

      not sure I understand: paraphrasing rather than quoting? How does affect the "flow"?

    1. I asked how she knows the sources she’s

      try to avoid the Q and A approach and select and synthesize portions from the interview

    2. Law and Order

      "Law and Order"

    3. Mackey and Immerman (2004) claimed

      good signal phrase (year not needed per MLA)

    4. Adoption studies have also shown that if a child’s biological parents and their adoptive parents are both violent, 40% will be criminal compared to 12.1% if only the genetic factor were present, 6.7% if just a violent environment, and only 2.1% will be criminal if they have none of the above risk factors.

      cite source

    5. In a study of more than 60 serial murderers, it was found that psychological and/or physical abuse was a pervasive characteristic of serial killers’ childhoods consistent with numerous other studies and case reports.

      cite source, please

    6. Richard Ramirez is a cookie-cutter example of how neurological disease and childhood trauma have an enormous impact on the likelihood of extreme violence in adulthood

      interesting--and I see an attempt at transition here

    7. “It is important to acknowledge that neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism spectrum disorders(ASD) or head injury also occur in other violent criminals besides the extremely violent subgroup ‘serial killer’” (Allely, Clare S., et al 2014). “Significant head injury during childhood or prenatal years may result in a deformed prefrontal cortex or dysfunctions in dopamine and/or serotonin levels, thus, leading to a predisposition to serial killing”

      I would be careful quoting at length or stringing together quotations: you may lose control/ownership over this draft.

    8. llers. “It has been shown in studies that the presence of neurological diseases is prevalent in serial killers. One study investigated the relationship between neurodevelopmental disorders and violent criminality found childhood-onset neuropsychiatric disorders to be common among violent offenders.” (Allely, Clare S., et al 2014).

      please introduce quotations/paraphrases with signal phrases and use MLA style citation (rather than APA).

    9. neurodevelopmental disorders such as autism spectrum disorder, a history of head injuries, schizophrenia, and different levels of early childhood and childhood trauma.

      you will cite sources later, I assume

    10. who serial kills.

      who kills serially

    11. What makes someone a serial killer?  Is it that some people are born to be a serial killer, or do environmental factors play a role in shaping someone into a killer?

      clearly stated

    12. Sharma 2018

      I don't understand: you reference Reinhardt and yet cite Sharma (no date needed in text).

    13. Allely, Clare S., et al. Neurodevelopmental and Psychosocial Risk Factors in Serial Killers and Mass Murderers. 18 Apr. 2014, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1359178914000305. Blanco, Juan Ignacio. “RICHARD RAMIREZ.” Richard Ramirez | Murderpedia, the Encyclopedia of Murderers, 2020, murderpedia.org/male.R/r/ramirez-richard.htm. Sharma, Meher. The Development of Serial Killers: A Grounded Theory Study . 2018, thekeep.eiu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=4722&context=theses.Johnston, Joni E. Female Serial Killers. 29 May 2012, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-human-equation/201205/female-serial-killersBoylan, Hailey, and Ariel Fisher. “Interview of Ariel Fisher, Serial Killer Café Podcast.” 30 Oct. 2020.  Post navigation Major assignment #2 draft #1Short assignment 7 Leave a Reply Cancel reply

      Can't tell if I'm looking at peer reviewed sources (I see no database named or doi given) Please alphabetize list

    14. do not fit the circumstances covered and should address other possible factors that contribute to violence and aggression in serial killers.

      I see no postwrite.

    1. rford, Jim, et al. “Ways of Coping with Excessive Drug Use in the Family: A Provisional Typology Based on the Accounts of 50 Close Relatives.” Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, vol. 2, no. 3, Aug. 1992, pp. 163–183. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1002/casp.2450020302.   Quanbeck, Andrew, et al. “Examining Access to Addiction Treatment: Scheduling Processes and Barriers.” Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, vol. 44, no. 3, Apr. 2013, pp. 343–348. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1016/j.jsat.2012.08.017.   Sellman, John D., et al. “Future of God in Recovery from Drug Addiction.” Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, vol. 41, no. 10, Oct. 2007, pp. 800–808. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1080/00048670701579074.  Medical Aspects of Chemical Dependency: The Neurobiology of Addiction, Drug Addiction, a Brain Disease; Segment 8. Hazelden Foundation, 2003.  

      very pleased to see peer reviewed articles from databases: thanks! Please alphabetize sources

    2.  Research has “demonstrated that patients

      use signal phrase?

    3. here is no need to let the drug addiction to get to that point, there are several ways of getting and providing help for drug addiction yourself or even someone you know who is struggling

      what is your purpose in this draft?

    4. o help you w

      who is your intended audience?

    5. When a person is uncontrollably taking drugs there are going to be a lot of negative outcomes and behaviors that comes with it

      I'm not sure what this paragraph is going to add to what has been said. The topic seems to have been covered, no? Or do you want to tweak the topic sentence to reflect the effect on those other than the users?

    6. The user has now replaced its nutrients that the body needs with the use of the drug. These physical changes start to bring concern to family members.  

      I am concerned by the lack of citations in this paragraph: unless you had prior knowledge of all that you say here

    7.  It all starts with a tremendous change in your brain. The drug starts to change how our brains normally would function and does not allow your brain to recognize what true happiness or pleasure is.

      please cite sources

    8. When they start to not care about their appearance or health of themselves there are going to be a lot of physical effects

      And this paragraph will focus on effects?

    9. There are many varied reasons for people to take drugs

      okay--so this paragraph will focus on causes?

    10. Natasha Tracy

      thanks for the citation--last name will suffice in text

    11. e word addiction

      the word "addiction"

    12. what is drug addiction, and how does addiction impact families, children, and the addicts themselves?

      clearly stated--thanks

    13. No one wakes up one day and asks to become an addict most people who have an addiction problem never thought in a million years they would be in the situation they are today.

      edit for fused sentences

    14. changed a couple of the transition sentences too.  

      adding or revising?

    15.  I was looking for something some of the readers

      good--were you thinking of a particular group of readers?

    1. didn’t love his parents. He answered by saying that he felt like he didn’t love his parents when they were mad at him or took away his electronics. Each individual had a different perspective on love and how it

      I sense a loss of focus in this paragraph

    2. our brain. When it is released, one may become addicted to the feeling of being happy.

      I sense that you've said this in an earlier paragraph?

    3. hen we fall in love with someone, a chemical called dopamine is released.

      please cite source

    4. how much you

      why the shift to "you"?

    5. I then asked a 17 year old girl the same question,

      perhaps a transition might help connect your sources, which right now seem in need of connection?

    6. To understand the experiences of love farther beyond my understanding, I interviewed three different age groups in order to receive different perceptions of love.

      I wonder if you could sharpen the focus of this topic sentence so that it reveals the important lessons learned from these interviews?

    7. The first interview is a 54 year old woman who has been married three times.

      remember to cite the interviews, okay?

    8. Experiences of love differ from person to person.

      "I'm not quite sure what this topic sentence is saying, to be honest, nor how your experience supports the statement.

    9. wanted to deeper

      typo

    10. can change the way that they behave based upon the strength of the love. Now that the word, love, has been defined, let’s talk about experiences of love. 

      I see--so the chemical addicition is part of your definition?

    11. and Brodsky, 1975; Clark and Mills, 1979,

      MLA doesn't require year in the in text citaiton

    12. In this quote, love is described as an addictive chemical in the brain that

      do you want to create another paragraph that focuses on the chemical "addiction?" I'm sensing a loss of focus in this paragraph.

    13. In that, love is such a strong emotion that, no matter the situation, it can be extremely difficult to let go of or stop loving that person.

      not quite a sentence?

    14. In the editorial, Beyond Rewards: Insights from Love and Addiction, it talks

      I appreciate the signal phrase--perhaps you can rephrase, One editorialist writes that. . . .?

    15. Beyond Reward: insights from love and addiction)

      cite author's last name only in text, okay?

    16. isher, Helen. “Transcript of ‘The Brain in Love.’” TED, www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_the_brain_in_love/transcript?language=en.  “Beyond Reward: Insights from Love and Addiction.” Frontiers, www.frontiersin.org/research-topics/4058/beyond-reward-insights-from-love-and-addiction.  Song, Hongwen, et al. “Love-Related Changes in the Brain: a Resting-State Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging Study.” Frontiers, Frontiers, 28 Jan. 2015, www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fnhum.2015.00071/full.   Goalcast, et al. “Simon Sinek: Love Is in the Little Things.” Goalcast, 8 Oct. 2019, www.goalcast.com/2017/05/06/simon-sinek-love-in-little-things/. 

      please alphabetize list, per MLA

    17. Earp, Brian D, et al. “If I Could Just Stop Loving You: Anti-Love Biotechnology and the Ethics            of a Chemical Breakup.” The American Journal of Bioethics : AJOB, Taylor & Francis, 2013, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3898540/. 

      This seems peer reviewed. Is it? Please use the databases for scholarly articles to make sure they are peer reviewed. You will need three total and an interview that you've conducted.

    18. Staying on topic of one question was the hardest thing to do for me, because there were so many questions I had during this essay. I tried to stay as on task as I could to make it not confusing. I wonder if this was confusing to anyone who reads it and how I could improve that.

      try to follow the postwrite template questions, okay?

    1. they laid down

      lay

    2. In the same population, a small proportion of respondents reported experiencing insomnia and sleepiness simultaneously (n=850, 8.04% of the sample). Based on a retrospective account of participants, problematic gamers experienced the first symptoms of sleep disorders after ten months of intensive gaming, with an average of 16 hours of gaming per week.” (Faustin Armel Etindele Sosso, 2018)

      try to avoid ending paragraphs with quotations: I'm sensing that your sources are taking over your draft.

    3. where people

      were people

    4. participants has no

      have no

    5. “Electronic devices emit an artificial blue light that can suppress the release of the body’s sleep-inducing hormone, melatonin. In turn, this can interfere with the body’s natural internal clock that signals when it’s time to sleep and wake up.” (Foundation) A

      please get in the habit of using signal phrases

    6. Mark R. Rosekind, 2010)

      last name only in text

    7. Suni, 2020

      MLA usually doesn't require the year in text

    8. sleep disorder that affects as many as 35% of adults

      okay--good. But remember to cite source in each sentence where borrowing occurs. Signal phrases would help as well.

    9. Bibliography

      Works Cited

    10. Daily, S. (2016). Video game playing negatively influences adequate sleep and bedtimes. American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Faustin Armel Etindele Sosso, D. J. (2018). Insomnia and problematic gaming: A study in 9 low- and middle-income. Foundation, T. N. (n.d.). Screen Time and Insomnia: What It Means for Teens. TheSleepFoundation.org. Mark R. Rosekind, P. ,. (2010). Insomnia Risks and Costs: Health, Safety, and Quality of Life. AMJC. Shanley, P. (2020). Gaming Usage Up 75 Percent Amid Coronavirus Outbreak, Verizon Reports. Hollywood Reporter. Suni, E. (2020). What Causes Insomnia? The Sleep Foundation.

      Please use MLA format (rather than APA) and include three peer reviewed sources and one interview that you've conducted.

    11. or the health of their kids/family but that they are ignorant to the potential dangers related to them playing.

      I don't see a postwrite

    1. This training teaches attendants indicators and how to report them. The videos teach them what human trafficking is, indicators of human trafficking, and reporting human trafficking.

      The original wording: "The Blue Campaign has developed awareness and training materials to help increase awareness and educate on the indicators of human trafficking."

      I am going to stop here, as I sense that you are being careless about your use of source material. See how close your wording is the original? Let's talk about this asap, okay?

    2. On the Department of Transportation website there is an explanation of how The Blue Lighting Initiative is now a required training for flight attendants as of 2016.

      okay but why not begin with your own topic sentence rather than with reference to a web site? I am beginning to worry that this paper is slipping from you and that the sources are taking over

    3. ficking, Airlines are on

      comma fault, here and elsewhere

    4. t6he

      typo

    5. introduce

      edit for tense?

    6. muggling, the card is produced in 18 different languages

      edit for comma fault

    7. Has trained thousands of people across the nation including law enforcement with the help of the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center.

      sentence needs a subject

    8. Chad Wolf is one of the secretaries of DHS- Department of Homeland Security.

      no need for this, right?

    9. “Human Trafficking is modern day slavery. There is no other way to say it.” said Acting Secretary Chad Wolf.

      okay: good use of source and cited but I don't see Wolf's name in the list of Works Cited. If quoted where?

    10. Human trafficking is a major issue in the United States and there are many outlets to help end it throughout the country, law enforcement, private organizations and the everyday average person can and do help investigate and end this worldwide issue.

      I think you will need to edit this long sentence, which in fact seems at least two sentences in one--a rough start to this draft

    11. Works Cited

      I see .gov cites but not peer reviewed articles obtained from databases, nor an interview that you've conducted. Do you have an author for any of these sources?

    12. The resources and increase in investigations, will help find a solution and end human trafficking.

      I see no postwrite.

    13. Assingment

      Assignment

    1. The implications of blue light are all problems related to sleep, health and vision in the body.

      This conclusion needs development.

    2.   Blue light has many health risks including skin problems. “A chemical in the skin called flavin absorbs blue light”. When absorbed blue light “destroys collagen through stress”( Martin, Crystal).Other research has shown that premature wrinkles and hyperpigmentation is caused or formed by blue light exposure.  

      needs development

    3. ging and neurological problems are also another health risk. In another study Nash, T.R., Chow, E.S., Law, A.D. et al. found that “exposure to 12 hours of blue light per day accelerates aging,” and “neurodegeneration”. By accelerating neurodegeneration, blue light is shortening your life span. Neurodegeneration is a category of conditions in the brain such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.

      This paragraph needs development

    4. at helps us stay asleep at night and be productive during the day. Fatigue occurs when that system is thrown off track

      cite source? This paragraph needs development, no?

    5. By blue light being emitted it disrupts

      can you rephrase for clarity?

    6. Now that we have talked about, blue light effecting vision, lets move onto how blue light has many health risks. 

      I appreciate the transition

    7. Especially with the corona virus giving people nothing to do but sit around all day and stare at a screen for an increasing 11 hours it can cause eye damage.

      not sure this is a sentence either

    8. Which is concerning to most when it comes to eye protection.

      not a sentence

    9. are harmful effects on vision blue light has

      can you rephrase for a more natural expression?

    10. degeneration

      capitalize first letter here, too?

    11. your vision. 

      why the shift to "your"?

    12. lets

      let us

    13. Touitou, Touitou.D, and Reinberg found in research and surveys that

      as here: good signal phrase

    14. “Sleep loss is associated with several health issues e.g. fatigue, poor academic achievement, and behavioral issues”(Touitou, Touitou.D, and Reinberg).

      useful and relevant--could you provide a signal phrase?

    15. Blue light,

      would it be helpful to define this beyond the color itself? where we see it most?

    16. disruptions peoples

      disruptions of people's

    17. (Touitou, Yvan et al. “Disruption of adolescents’ circadian clock: The vicious circle of media use, exposure to light at night, sleep loss and risk behaviors.” Journal of physiology, Parisvol. 110,4 Pt B (2016): 467-479. doi:10.1016/j.jphysparis.2017.05.001) (Tosini, Gianluca et al. “Effects of blue light on the circadian system and eye physiology.” Molecular vision vol. 22 61-72. 24 Jan. 2016) (Zhao, Z. C., Zhou, Y., Tan, G., & Li, J. (2018). Research progress about the effect and prevention of blue light on eyes. International journal of ophthalmology, 11(12), 1999–2003.https://doi.org/10.18240/ijo.2018.12.20)

      no need for parenthesis in the list--use parenthesis in text. I am pleased to see these peer reviewed sources obtained from databases

    18.  References

      Works Cited Please alphabetize by author's last name.

    19. With bad posture or craned necks it can over time lead to stress or scoliosis in the spine. 

      I don't see a postwrite.

    1. The study not only shows that culture has a large impact on aggression itself, but what kind of aggression a person displays.  The study found that there was a higher rate of verbal aggression in the Spanish students, while the Japanese students were more prone to physical aggression.

      please expand this interesting point: what is there about these cultures that make them different from one another?

    2. were 2.95 times more likely to report having engaged in CAC than children who had not been exposed to IPV.” [McDonald].

      fascinating

    3. In this case, violence is imposed onto the individual by authority, the individual will do whatever authority tells them to do even if it involves harming another.

      It might be worthwhile to note the context behind Milgram's experiment: the obedience of the Nazis and German civilians during WWII.

    4. The teacher reads a series of word phrases and the learner must remember and repeat the word phrases back to the teacher.  If the learner gets one of the word phrases wrong, they receive a shock, the shocks get increasingly higher as the test progresses and the learner continues to get the phrases wrong.

      you do a good job of summarizing Millgram here

    5. The second possible explanation for the origins of violence is the environment in which a person is located

      again-- a good, clear topic sentence

    6. have “psychiatric problems such as antisocial alcoholism and a history of suicide attempts.” [Hakulinen]. The study explains that this gene is not just something that can a

      I like the way you are integrating the source

    7. The Young Finns study, while focusing on Cardiovascular disease, explored this receptor gene.  In this study, they identified the serotonin receptor 1B gene

      cite source

    8. they identified

      who?

    9. on Cardiovascular

      why capitalize C?

    10. will make it not work when you are older. Further research into genes that alter the include the Young Finns study, where they explore the serotonin receptor 1B or the HTR1B genotype.

      helpful transition

    11. t they carry a gene called the MAO-A gene. 

      cite source

    12. This is in fact true, to some regard, in serial killers, it has

      please edit for punctuation: note how at least one of these commas needs to be replaced to separate thoughts/sentences

    13. The first possible explanation for the origins of violence is a person’s genetics

      good, clear topic sentence

    14. A mixture or combination of these three factors may also contribute to the solution of the question, where exactly does violence come from?

      This is a fine opening paragraph--quite useful to your reader

    15. you are born

      why the shift to "you"?

    16. is a behavior that involves physical force that is intended to hurt, damage, or kill.

      if quoting, please use quotation marks

    17. Works Cited

      add personal interview?

    18. Hakulinen, Christian, et al. “Serotonin Receptor 1B Genotype and Hostility, Anger and Aggressive Behavior through the Lifespan: The Young Finns Study.” Journal of Behavioral Medicine, vol. 36, no. 6, Dec. 2013, pp. 583–590. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1007/s10865-012-9452-y.   McDonald, Shelby Elaine, et al. “Animal Cruelty among Children in Violent Households: Children’s Explanations of Their Behavior.” Journal of Family Violence, vol. 33, no. 7, Oct. 2018, pp. 469–480. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1007/s10896-018-9970-7.   Ramirez, J.Martin, et al. “Cultural and Sex Differences in Aggression: A Comparison between Japanese and Spanish Students Using Two Different Inventories.” Aggressive Behavior, vol. 27, no. 4, July 2001, pp. 313–322. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1002/ab.1014.

      I am very pleased to see these peer reviewed sources obtained from databases

    19. I didn’t want to assume the person reading would know all that I did about genetics, but I also didn’t want to overwhelm them with too much information.

      good, thoughtful observation

    20. on my own terms.

      interesting: what do you mean?

    1. They are both sharing a common thing and that is getting a further education.

      I don't see a postwrite.

      that is, furthering their education

    2. They have more experience with effective time management and they also are bound to be smarter about the help they get because they are more motivated towards future goals like jobs, families, etc.

      evidence from your research?

    3. Luckily, non-traditional

      you can begin a new paragraph, if you wish

    4. (Jones),

      no need for parenthetical if in sentence

    5. traditional and non-traditional

      why not stick with the order started earlier: non-traditional and then traditional students? that will help your reader

    6. the nonacademic stressors in their lives like social roles and even peer related conflicts.

      does your research say more about these key stressors? Please provide data

    7. “In addition, the results showed that stress had the greatest impact on the physical aspect (32%). The most commonly felt by students is fatigue and weakness (21.1%) (Musabiq).

      please use signal phrase and transition?

    8. Students are forced to sort of grow into adults and mature just in a few days once this happens. They then are faces with finding a balance between school and work if they have a job while in school.

      How do community college or commuter students figure in this appraisal?

    9. College is not the same as being a senior in high school so the stress from that quick change can be a lot on students.

      good point--I assume evidence in support if coming

    10. Another thing that causes some stress is positive or negative appraisal.

      are you referring to non-traditional students here? If so please name them.

    11. While this could possibly be true that they are less stressed than traditional college students, they could still be stressed by other things like family-school

      fair point

    12. “Dill and Henley found that nontraditional students experienced less school-related stress compared with traditional students and offered the explanation that age and experience of performing several roles at once could make college life less stressful for nontraditional students (Dill and Henley[25])

      An important finding. But are Dill and Henley the authors of this source? Why do you cite themselves? I'm confused. Is there a quotation within this quotation?

    13. Non-traditional students may or may not have more or less stress than traditional college students.

      This sentence doesn't seem to say much, does it?

    14. the non-traditional students (usually 25 years of age or older).

      Thank you for defining this group

    15. ompared to high school it is overall just more difficult to handle.

      okay--so this is your hypothesis? Not sure I would bury it in the middle of this paragraph but it is helpful to have

    16. as you

      why the shift to "you"?

    17. What have researchers found out about the relationship between academic performance stress of new students starting college, traditional students, from high school and or returning, non-traditional students, that start college later in life?

      I continue to like this question very much.

    18. Work Cited

      useful list--but don't forget the interview

    19. Giancola, Jennifer Kohier, et al. “Dealing With the Stress of College: A Model for Adult Students.” Adult Education Quarterly, vol. 59, no. 3, May 2009, pp. 246–263. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1177/0741713609331479

      good MLA form And I am so pleased to see these peer reviewed sources obtained from databases--good

    1. is important

      are important. I'm also sensing the need for a conclusion to this draft.

    2. Those being the most common and effective among adolescents.

      not a sentence

    3. This has definitely contributed greatly as, “The COVID-19 pandemic is a major health crisis affecting several nations, with over 720,000 cases and 33,000 confirmed deaths reported to date. Such widespread outbreaks are associated with adverse mental health consequences.”(Rajkumar)

      Shouldn't you say more in this paragraph about such an important and timely topic?

    4. Resulting in little social interaction due to self quarantine.

      not a sentence

    5. “Adolescence is a time of continued brain maturation, particularly in limbic and cortical regions, which undoubtedly plays a role in the physiological and emotional changes coincident with adolescence.”(Eiland) Eiland also states, “An emerging line of research has indicated that stressors experienced during this crucial developmental stage may affect the trajectory of this neural maturation and contribute to the increase in psychological morbidities, such as anxiety and depression, often observed during adolescence.”

      These quoted passages are complex and important. Please spend time elaborating on them for your reader.

    6. Brain development can also play a roll in mental health in adolescents because the brain doesn’t fully develop till the age of 25. 

      good topic sentence and transition

    7. are great examples of how chronic illness can contribute to mental health issues.

      Yes--I see your point.

    8. mcardle’s disease

      capitalize first letters?

    9. While interviewing a close

      new paragraph?

    10. I found a gap in research here

      Can you identify that gap? I'm not sure I am seeing it just yet

    11. “The joint effects of the support providers explained a significant amount of variance in time to depression and self-esteem… suggesting that social support has important effects on symptoms.”(Colarossi) also showing that, “Self-esteem was significantly, positively affected by friend and teacher support.”(Colarossi)

      it seems awkward to me to join these quotations in a single passage this way

    12. Research in regards to support provided by family, friends and teacher show,

      good signal phrase

    13. “Research has shown that successful school outcomes and positive mental health and wellbeing are positively correlated with a sense of school belonging.”(Arslan)

      good quotation and citation but might you use a signal phrase?

    14. ones mental health

      one's

    15. I will also discuss the factor of brain development and whether or not that plays a roll in adolescents mental health. 

      I really appreciate the transparent organization--very reader-friendly and suggesting that you are aware of structure.