change of students
?
change of students
?
parents
parents'
say
delete
way
slang
The increase of technology on types of technology
?
When evolution of something takes place, it usually happens through a steady increase of quality or biological reasoning.
?
teaching habits
instructional tactics (?)
poor greater education
?
conducted by the Journal of Information Systems and Research Innovations (JISRI)
redundant
based on the growing number of university students that the driving factor for students to become so reliant on social media and interactive media is the easy access and functionality of these said platforms
This is an incoherent phrase. Are we to be concerned that social media is easy to access and provides functionality?
Journal of Information Systems and Research Innovation in 2013
Link to Mugahed Al-Rahmi, Waleed, and Mohd Shahizan Othman
(Boyd. 2007).
Boyd is not listed in your list of sources/references
study done at the University of California Los Angeles
citation? link to reference?
Citations
MLA = Works Cited, APA = References All sources should contain hypertext links to actual online sources. Sources should be listed in alphabetical order by authors' last names. I found no in-text citations for these sources.
Daniel Darghan Felisoni, Alexandra Strommer Godoi
this source is not cited in the body of your paper
Bekalu, M. A., McCloud, R. F., & Viswanath, K. (2019)
this source is not cited in the body of your paper
Good overall summary of dangers of body image expectations caused by mass media. However, I would like to have seen more evidence presented as to the particular dangers posed by interactive/social media. What is it about the form and function of social media that makes the issue much more problematic than it has been for users of legacy media? I also expected you to address the effect of AR and filters, e.g. in Snapchat, on young women's expectations of the perfect selfie, and how some women are have botox treatments and even surgery to try to replicate the "filter" look.
Franchina
Not cited in body of paper
Lindblad
Not cited in body of paper
Rounsefell
Not cited in body of paper
Quick
Not cited in body of paper
Bauer
Not cited in body of paper
break their bones
?
,
:
The solution is not to avoid it, the solution is to make it more bearable for everyone involved.
See note above
leave your house
Isn't this how you CAN be exposed to realistic body standards?
obvious
obvious perhaps, but realistic?
Photoshop is so normalized that when actual normal photos are taken, they become a scandal.
excellent point
Photoshop is one of those lies.
This feels a bit over-the-top.
unedited, photo of Khloe Kardashian
This seems like a place to include a link to a source that posted the image.
into
by
We have the power to create a world that everyone feels comfortable living in. Especially marketing platforms with huge audiences, they have the reach to change the narrative. Yet they choose to sell insecurities by promoting unattainable bodies. “Young people dominate the social media scene. And brands should become aware of the impact body image ads could have on teenagers and young adults” (Pascual).
A new generation
If this is an important video clip why not embed the video so that it can be played in the document? Also, it could have used a bit of an introduction so that we understand how these testimonials serve your argument.
your
you're
Social media is perpetuating a lie of acceptance and selling fake compassion.
It is starting to feel like this could have been your thesis statement.
2012
was there an event in 2012 that is accepted as the start of this movement?
fat people and started the movement to change how fat
is this accepted language in this research literature?
way before
slang
the outcast
into outcasts (?)
Instagram banned users under 18 years old from seeing such ads because of potential harm.
This would seem to suggest that interactivity (the ability of IG to target ads to specific demos) is actually part of the solution. The same ad in a non-interactive medium, e.g. magazine, would not be restricted to readers of a certain age.
has
have
. A
; a
has
have
year’s
years
is
are the ones
Medias
Media's
is
?
I will use Hypothes.is to provide annotations to your titles, thesis statements, and essays. Check here for updates.
is modification to a photo to portray a business or public figure in a different way then it was meant to be used
?
Later in this paper we will cover a case that goes over such a thing.
unnecessary
defined
source?
majority of the population on the face of the plant at least has an account on one of these social media platforms
I'm not sure this is an accurate statement.
Can They Say That? Defamations and Social Media
No need to repeat the title here.
Citations/References/Works Cited should be alphabetical by authors' last names.
Some people believe social media is manipulated by algorithms developed by huge corporations, which limit users' options for control to a binary choice: to use or not use their service. (Although I do appreciate your optimism!)
The use of pull-quotes on page 4 becomes a big excessive.
footstep = foot print?
"I'm here to combat those arguments" = brave
Instead of embedding entire citations in your text, use an in-text citation, e.g. (Waldman, 2016) and then the reader can consult the References or Works Cited list at the end of the document.
scalars = scholars
Because you embedded a pdf file I can only leave comments as page notes (instead of annotations). But I will do my best to provide feedback.
The media embeds (YouTube videos) appear to be simply tacked on to the beginning and end, without context or explanation of what they contribute to your thesis.
would not be stored, and through time would be deleted
if not stored, how would they be deleted?
3,200 word blog post
citation?
for over years,
delete
shared
citation?
,
comma splice
with whom they share it with
redundant
communications
citation?
The essay should use headings to provide structure and organization, and as an aid to readers. Also, embedded media content should have context provided by text that explains how the media contributes to your position/argument.
Firth
was this source cited in your essay?
You didn't post your thesis and sources to the Bb Discussion Forum so I was unable to provide assistance in the early stages of this assignment...and the result is that your thesis and supporting evidence are lacking focus and clarity.
Wong
sources should be listed in alphabetical order by authors' last names
They don't become beneficial in the long run
?
developing unhealthy diets and lack of exercise that also leads to diseases
I don't see the connection between "filling the gaps" and developing poor dietary and exercise habits.
DiRenzo, 2020
You have given a lot of attention to this source (DiRenzo) which is about negative health effects related to social media use...but that is tangential to your thesis, which is about the danger of filling small moments of time (gaps) by engaging with social media. It feels like you're not staying focused on your thesis.
1 out of 4 ratios of car accidents occurs by texting and driving. Texting and driving have led to 1.6 million crashes and 6000 deaths that occur yearly across the US.
citation?
, assuming we're going to go to sleep that easily
?
too much
this is the heart of the issue...how much is TOO much?
For example, Kobe Bryant and the nine victims that died in the horrible helicopter crash.
fragment
Awe
Awe and awww are two different things
Four thousand four hundred deaths a year occur because of bullying on the internet.
citation?
happy, sad
happiness, sadness,
it reduces a person's mental ability
citation?
can take over our pieces of knowledge to grow in reading and writing
?
glued to
avoid colloquialisms
in our generation, now
redundant
puts us in a whole different direction
this is too vague
social media, self-defining feedback, and self-esteem feedback
again, this needs context and explanation...what are self-defining feedback and self-esteem feedback?
that
who
"Social is not a thing or a place or a new medium. It is a constellation of concept." - Dominic Pettman (Pettman 2020)
this needs more context, explanation
communication, emotions, and mental health
I'm curious how you came up with these three points...is it based on some research or theory?
Works Cited
Your sources do not include the ones posted to the Discussion Forum in Bb.
This is a pretty radical departure from your thesis posted in Bb.
how long it takes to grow a following via social media versus the usual promoting a record label would do
I think you should research how much more difficult and expensive it was to promote a new artist BEFORE social media. The time and effort that was required to build an audience was HUGE compared to what is possible today.
“Although you can get customers to buy quality wares and influence sales of products provided by your brand, it might take some time before you can build your online reputation, your influence as a musician, and a long-term loyal fan base.This means that although you’ll be investing a lot of time, effort and even money, it is unlikely for you to just shoot up the ranks overnight. In fact, no social media marketing strategy can make you popular overnight which means you must keep your professional social media marketing game up.” (Chifley, 2018).
block quote
“ We all start somewhere. It starts with a camera we got for Christmas, a piece of software that came with our laptop, or for many, including myself, guitar lessons. Whatever the medium, there is an in point that starts us down a creative path in media. The way we learn to work with that first medium can profoundly influence how we approach working with all media. Formative influences are, well, formative.”
Long quotes (i.e., block quotes) should be off-set, see https://courses.lumenlearning.com/styleguide/chapter/mla-block-quotations/
“Years ago, before Apple Music and Spotify, music consumers had to rely heavily on CD’s, cassettes, records, top charts, newspapers, and the radio to access music. Today this scene is much different. With the power of social media and the internet, literally in the palm of our hands at all times, we can get access to music in the matter of seconds. Digital music downloads replaced buying physical albums, music videos on YouTube replaced music television such as MTV, and social media sites, like Instagram and Twitter, and trending topics replaced the record labels having to create a musician’s fame. Just as the Internet gave us YouTube, digital downloads, and worldwide trending topics, it has also gifted us with the biggest craze in music: streaming.” (LeDoux, 2017).
block quote
it
cite?
“Through the click of a button, fans can retweet a status, or comment on an artists latest Instagram post, breaking down the barrier that lies between artists and those who listen to their music. Fans can use social media to create videos, websites, artwork and fan pages that they can then post and share online, asserting their own power and influence.” (Saunderson, 2017)
block quote
But anyways, we took the idea of being connected by the internet very seriously, and it resulted in the illegal downloading and dispersion of songs and digital content.
Are you suggesting that this was a good thing?
, myself included,
implied by the word "us"
over, I
comma splice
Rebecca Black who sang the song “Friday”
or this!
Have you ever had a busy week and by Thursday afternoon you already wish it was 5 o’clock Friday? And to be bullied publicly without being able to respond is terrible.
non sequitur
An unnecessary toll on a person that is already very battered from so many people needing this or that from them.
fragment
cyberbullying
Not sure how cyberbullying relates to piracy.
And then I got older
Is this after you began your recording career?...because it sounds like you're still in HS. I'm having a difficult time following the timeline.
creating
does interactive media "create" piracy, or merely incentivize and/or facilitate?
out
my career as a
myself being a young and
delete
Interactive Media as a nuisance for the Music Industry
No need to repeat the title here
in fears of backlash
?
who previously may not have had a voice, had the opportunity to speak up and show their support
not clear what exactly what changed and where hashtags fall in the causal chain of events...needs more development to clarify how identity politics benefitted from #hashtagging
.”
Again, not sure what's going on with this CMSI website
for which the African American people could preach upon
revise
gave
provided
.
Not sure what's up with the Fortune image.
Good job working in PK presentation topic links
highlight
include
it is
we are...reporters are...
fool
citation?
Nice use of headings and embedded media, and good structure and organization. Also, good job linking to several PK presentation topics.
I'm not sure how the dog cartoon contributes to your essay. It may have fit better earlier when you were talking about the way that anonymity empowers abusive online behavior.
The reason behind the lawsuit was because
delete
thing to
occurrence for
Realistically speaking, anyone with internet access can be “the press” with a simple post to social media or a review left on the internet.
Is this your opinion, or are you saying that this opinion is widely held?
newspaper
advertisement?
let's look here
Good video, but why not embed in the body of the essay...perhaps in the section where you address NYT v Sullivan? Also, it could benefit from a bit more context/setup.
levels of
levels:
how violent video games are considered to have a weaker aggression affect than television, non-human characters, violence across all three medias, when violence is controlled how it affects all three conditions, and interactivity doesn’t affect the player.
this is a confusing sentence
MU
Needs to be spelled out
In essence, the idea that exposure to violence diminishes the brain’s ability to inhibit behavior-related processing
fragment
those
by those?
Violent Video Games Cause Greater Aggression than Other Media
No need to repeat the title here
Great job with the headings, media embeds, and overall structure and organization.
Fascinating story, thanks for sharing!
https://adoption.com/wiki/Using_Social_Media_for_Contact_With_Birth_Families#Using_Social_Media_in_Search_and_Reunion
References do not follow any citation standard, e.g. APA or MLA. Also, URLs should be hyperlinks.
Image display issues, e.g. screen shot.png, and missing video links.
that
who
Good job linking to PK presentations
Social Media
should be lower case
At the beginning
Need to be consistent with indentation.
This technology is just too new to see any correlation with negative mental health issues as of now. It seems as if the only use for this tech at the moment is for helping those with mental health issues to be treated in almost real life sessions being controlled through pre set programs on a computer.
I sounds like you've moved away from your thesis.
Therefore allowing the healing process to begin.
fragment
studies
citation?
messed up
avoid colloquialisms
kind of
other
product
technology
sociallysorted.com
Moritz
newyorker.com
Halpern
politico.com
Carr
media
media,
both didn’t and don’t
neither
that
who
John F. Kennedy
great place to mention the famous Kennedy/Nixon TV debate
average joe
beware of using colloquialisms
their user base has been solidified in the platform
not sure what this means
These places are targeted for adults and don’t have much social media presence and i believe that if they had a social media presence and that they targeted teens as well it would be a better target for anger management and for adrenaline addicts. This would possibly change the number of crimes committed and might lead to a lower crime rate.
This appears to be a bold statement with little support. Your use of the phrase "I believe..." is occasionally permissible in a concluding statement, but not in other contexts.
ride along experience with students
liability issues would prevent this
If students were to create social media campaigns for the war against drugs and crimes as a project for each year of high school they would be more aware of the consequences of those actions and be less likely to commit those crimes and do those drugs that they report on.
evidence? citation?
says
delete
people
citation?
that some teens bring
?
There was a
A
Us
USA
they can find them in minutes
really? citation?
a ton of
avoid colloquialisms
he will post
posts
serves
citation?
“New Social Media Campaign Hopes to Encourage Teens to Be Drug Free.”
This source incorrectly uses the word "police" instead of "policy."
police
Policy
abovetheinfluence.com/about/
these URLs should be hypertext
has
released
If this was used more, and more interactively, and had a bigger social media influence
This statement sounds like you are saying, "if it were more effective it would be more effective."
teens, even
beware of comma splices
SHATTER THE MYTHS® is a current social media campaign
This is an example of where it would be helpful to see example posts from this campaign.
either
the use of "either" suggests that there will be two options presented
the one
those
show their fight
What does this mean? Are media campaigns not part of the war on drugs?
countries
federal?
Why Using Social Media to Help the Effort of War on Drugs and Crime Should be Changed.
No need to repeat the title here.
Hannah Perret's Term Paper:
Delete
There are supposed to be multimedia elements (images, videos, etc.) embedded in your text.
while some levels of citizen journalism is good
It may have been a good idea to cite, early on, some notable successes, e.g. the Arab Spring and the Green Revolution.
resulted
resorted?
good use of pull quotes
correction is rarely ever seen
there is even research to suggest that the correction often has an opposite effect of reinforcing the original error...https://archives.cjr.org/united_states_project/_countering_misinformation_tip.php
engage
Not quite the definition on which the engagement PK is based.
know who they want to reach and exactly how to reach them.
So you've correctly observed which marches receive coverage by particular partisan outlets. It would be interesting to see how the other (less partisan) media outlets frame their coverage (and how much coverage they give) for these two events.
That viral video from CNN
Hmmm, not sure which video from CNN is referenced here
Great YouTube video to establish the debate
bad is outweighed by the good
isn't that a good thing?
Good job providing context for media, e.g. video, embeds. However the second video needs a bit of an introduction.
the article
Use the author's last name here to make it clear which article.
According to the article “Selfies are common, but selfie editing is a danger.”
fragment
Sherman
I did not see this name in your list of sources.
adequate
citation?
Good job creating links to PK topics/presentations.
Social Media Harms Self-Image
No need to repeat the title here.