have
has
have
has
sites
sights
drawn
drew
staying at a La Quinta Inn with a lady he’d just met a few hours before
is that a euphemism?
and
?
never even received didn’t even serve
?
viral.Eric
space
P
p
choked out
try to not use jargon or slang when writing academic style
These officers should also take gun safety drills every six months.
the introductory section should conclude with your thesis statement
untouchable
?
please,and
space
excessive force however, that is when the line is crossed
therein lies the problem...when is it excessive?
good job linking to PK
Since 2015, fatal shootings by police officers have gone up because of this, there has also been a rise in filming police officers during these encounters.
comma splice
This statistic is mind blowing and shocking, in an age where it seems most people are more aware of this problem, not too much is being done to change it.
beware of comma splices
where
were
dress certain
?
No description available.
all media should include descriptions
Intro:
H3?
You were supposed to have a minimum of seven sources, and three of those were to be scholarly/peer-reviewed. Also, you were to use MLA or APA formatting for the list of references/sources. Also, all sources should be cited in the body of the paper.
Impacts
You paper is a bit short (only 1200 words) and these two sections (impacts and discussion) are particularly sparse.
The rapid expanse of music streaming services such as Spotify, Apple Music, and more are actively contributing to the rapid downfall of the modern music industry. As music streaming platforms continue to raise royalty fees and integrate other forms of interactive media in an attempt to appeal to the average user they are neglecting the musicians who provide the content that make their platforms successful and in turn creating a new type of music industry.
Good job, but I would have liked to see a bit more development leading up to your thesis statement.
Intro
H3 for headings
(Work In Progress)
Aren't we all?!
opperate
spelling
opperated
spelling
Govenar, Alan.
Works Cited heading?
Good job with the number and format of your sources. URLs/DOIs should have been turned into hyperlinks. At least one of your sources is not cited in the body of your essay.
Interactive media has already begun to open many doors for museums. As the field evolves toward becoming more welcoming to diverse guests, it’s only natural that part of that evolution includes interactive technology. The natural weaving of technology with other traditional museum elements as well as different hands on activities can create rich and varied experiences for guests in ways that have never been seen before. When interactive media is utilized properly in an exhibit space, it can be an incredibly useful educational tool. Bringing museums into the society of the twenty-first century has been made possible by the use of interactive technology.
nice conclusion
intsinct
spelling
The only time a museum should want to see a phone in use is when pictures are being taken of positive experiences.
good observation
exhibit, it
beware the comma splice
people museums
?
innitiatives
spelling
While the possibilities created by new technology are exciting for the future of museum work, there is also a risk that museums may become too reliant on technology being the star of an exhibit.
While this is very close to your thesis statement, it does leave out some aspects. Ideally the thesis statement should close out the introductory paragraph and set the direction for the following graphs.
Interactive Media in Museums
There should be multimedia elements to illustrate your main points.
in
extra in
Citations
Good sources, but formatting should follow MLA or APA style. Also, URLs should be hyperlinks.
All these articles
Conclusion?
“Spiral of Silence” theory
good job incorporating a communication theory
Sage journals
Wu & Atkin
of
missing return
the University of Sussex
Jordan?
T
t
Fame and Anonymity
heading?
This operation had a major impact on Facebook and Cambridge Analytica
and on politics
by the Medium
? Also, why is this not one of your citations?
New York Times
author?
The Shield of anonymity
It doesn't appear that you used the H3 heading for the section titles
People prefer to remain anonymous partly due to the fear of confrontation; anonymity gives people the ability to say anything without the concern of being targeted in the outside world.
Good job!
Very good job!
References
Good job with the sources (number and format), however the URLs/DOIs should be hyperlinks to make it easy for readers to visit the source documents.
Due to cyberbullying, adolescent teens and young adults are more likely to experience symptoms of body issues, self-esteem issues, depression and anxiety when spending an extensive amount of hours on social media per day.
This is very similar to your thesis statement, which should have been presented in the intro section.
addiction
be careful of using clinical terms like addiction without a clear description of what you mean
M
m
45.5
55.5%?
[9]
?
According to the research article, “Association Between Social Media Use and Depression Among U.S. Young Adults,” it states that
not necessary to list title in in-text citation
These hate comments create a negative They
?
self Social
?
journal
study
same type of looking men and women
?
Cyberbullying only became relevant to the world when social media first became a thing.
However, bullying has a long history.
(such as a student)
?
(Cavazos-Rehg, et al. pg. 1).
The thesis statement should appear at the end of the introductory section.
lies within the person behind the computer or phone screen
This is a rather ambiguous statement...it is not clear to me in which person the negativity resides?
is not shown on every other post on someone's newsfeed
?
this type
?
Citations
Good job with the citations and formatting, but you were supposed to have a minimum of seven sources. Also, URLs should be hyperlinks. And finally, these should cited in the body of the paper.
They are more likely to lie about who they are, than what they believe.
very interesting...would love to see a citation for this assertion
public persona
not to mention, bots
secretly actors planted within the study
aka, confederates
The internet allows for the communication of ideas and beliefs at an unprecedented level, especially between private individuals who are completely disconnected from one another by great distances, both geographic, political, and societal. While this often leads to conflict and negativity, it also fosters honesty in these interactions, particularly about beliefs and opinions. Without the social pressure to conform and avoid confrontation presented by face-to-face communication, people are more capable and more likely to honestly express their opinions online.
Yay! You're the first paper (so far) that followed the instructions about ending the intro with the thesis statement.
fake news
Thanks for linking to the PK page!
excellent!
Social media has the right intentions, but we have corrupted it.
I'm not sure that social media has any intentions...are you referring to the founders or programmers?
problem
cite?
References
You were supposed to have 7 sources...but good job with the ones you have. Good attempt at making the URLs into hyperlinks, but a couple of the links are broken.
almost
delete
a numerous amount of
substantial
today, so
comma splice
on the daily
unnecessary
that
who
amount
number
this young adult
young people
a numerous amount of
a substantial portion?
when
with?
post
posts
s
s'
media, could
beware the comma splice
maybe be
may be
mind
minds
year’s
years
amount
number
.
?
sixth is young adults running into people due to looking down at their phones
?
be a cause of excessive use of social media
?
Addiction
You use the term addiction in the header, but don't define it or even mention it in the following paragraph. Addiction is a clinical term that should not be used flippantly.
Spending too much time on social media may cause elevated levels of physical isolation of people and lack of face-to-face communication. Social media over the years has changed immensely, and more people are using social media nowadays which will increase the risk of isolation.
Thesis statement (should be at the conclusion of the introduction)
Sources
Good job with your list of sources, however a couple of them are not cited in the body of your essay.
sights
sites
found
?
younger
younger what?
Due to increase in technology over the years, phones fall into the hands of young children
This statement appears to let parent off the hook for their role in making this possible. This technology is not inexpensive, and without the support of parents (financial and otherwise) this trend would not be going in the direction that it is.
The connectivity of Social Media brings our world together on different platforms but hurts relationships and basic communication skills that affect us in real life communication negatively.
thesis statement
like,
like:
https://youtu.be/Y7loosNVtgA
link is broken
3
three
time,
time:
if
whether
With the rise of social media, came the rise of everybody’s unrealistic expectations of what your life is supposed to look like. This is largely in part to a boom in social media “influencers” who are paid to promote certain brands, lifestyles, clothes, etc., and try to sell you a life of luxury. Influencer culture has become a toxic part of social media that has led to an increased chance of depression due to a huge “fear of missing out."
thesis statement
over millions
access ≠ comparison...we are capable of having relationship (therefore making comparison) with no more than hundreds of people...thousands or millions only in the abstract
“flex,” for lack of a better word, on the people around us,
this jargon may be a bit too obscure for your audience...at least for me :-)
Good job!
To make remix culture thrive is to upheld the copyrights laws to protect both parties of people that make original ideas and to let others use those ideas to give it a different meaning, by being able to make it their own concept with a twist on it. Remix culture is a major impact because without it media does not expand.
thesis statement
expression actions
?
The art to change and us people ideas are starting to become more frequent which cause it to be used.
I am unable to comprehend your writing. No additional corrections will be made.
People did not like the World Wide Web or WWW
what?
For the most part remix culture is not anti-copyright and also its not a form of plagiarism.
Okay, this sentence makes sense...but will need to be supported with evidence in the following sections.
Remix the work of copyright holders to get rid of the lawful act to be held from not using others work but if you create your own way then what is stopping them from taking your original and making it their own.
Ditto...this is incomprehensible.
To give change the way the old version was and can give a possible different meaning to the way it is.
another fragment
To improve upon the old material to make a new idea or thought to action.
another fragment
To produce a new product that nobody has seen or heard of.
sentence fragment
remix of culture music
?
“Remix Culture: Rethinking What We Call Original Content.” Marketing Land, Marketing Land, 30 Apr. 2013, marketingland.com/remix-culture-rethinking-what-we-call-original-content-41791.
This should have its own heading, e.g. References or Works Cited Good selection of sources/references...however, the format is not consistent with APA or MLA. Also, the entire citation should not be a hyperlink, just the URL or DOI. Also, each source should be cited in the body of your essay.
Starting with a video, without adequate introduction and explanation, is not recommended. Also, this video is not listed in your References.
References
You were supposed to have a minimum of seven sources, and three of those were to be scholarly/peer-reviewed. Also, you were to use MLA or APA formatting for the list of references/sources.
Our data is not for sale, and it shouldn’t be.
actually it IS for sale...and the goal of your essay is to build a convincing argument for what it shouldn't be
Imagine you’re a grieving mother. You lost your child, and there is nothing but pain to fill that void. Along comes a neural network to fill that void. The speech patterns, personality, and knowledge of your loved one could be impregnated into an artificial intelligence bot with great accuracy. The initial attempt of doing this, dubbed “Roman Bot,” was curated by family and friends. But in the world we live where our text messages can be read by dubious eyes, who is to say nefarious attempts won’t be made. Google Duplex is a modern system that can do various things such as schedule appointments for the user and respond to questions along the way. This system is beneficial to the user, but a project lead brings up an interesting point. “While a system capable of generating responses may make its subject more reactive, Traum warns that being able to construct reactions would mean you could put words in someone else’s mouth.” This ability to create a person is only going to progress further with our further exploration into the artificial intelligence world, and the implications that come with it will certainly haunt us.
This is indeed an interesting and potentially troubling scenario, but I'm not sure that it fits with your focus on privacy.
The government shouldn’t be able to spy on us nor should they have the means to do so.
But should government have the right to conduct surveillance for the purpose of national security? And if so, where is the line?
What we must then ask ourselves is whether companies who have been proven to use our data against our consent in the past and present can be trusted to protect us now and in the future.
good question
as said by
according to
companies, teaming
once again...be careful of comma splices
Online Privacy in the modern workplace
privacy in the workplace is not mentioned in your thesis statement...not sure why it is receiving so much of your attention
These bills are paramount for privacy and should be held with the utmost importance.
?
Your personal data is also being used to tailor advertisements that you will click.
One sentence about privacy issues related to advertising and you're off to the next subject: government privacy breaches
“Your password or your paycheck” the authors state, “two new bills have also been introduced to Congress that would prohibit employers from seeking employees' and job candidates' passwords.”
It is not necessary to link to sources or specific quotes as long as they are cited properly. In these cases the link are not usable as they lead readers to a login to access CSU-Pueblo library databases...which may not be available to some readers.
When services are provided online at little or no cost the end result is somebody is benefiting somewhere off of user privacy - and the data is being used in many unimaginable and nefarious ways.
The opening section should end with your thesis statement.
habits, some
another comma splice
information, new contacts
beware of comma splice
Good job linking to a PK page
The impact that the lack of privacy online can be quite astounding.
Needs to be rewritten, doesn't make sense.
https://www.bbc.com/news/newsbeat-44950274https://www.boxofficemojo.com/alltime/world/https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/movies/a25560063/how-fans-ruined-star-wars-the-last-jedi-2018/https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/3/8/18254584/captain-marvel-boycott-controversy
References should be listed using MLA or APA format
References
Good job providing links to sources...however, all sources in the list of references should be cited in the body of your essay.
finical
financial
Please consider the following questions
Interesting...not typically something you would find in a position paper, but good questions for consideration.
because the things they were a fan of upset
?
Social media allows people to be blinded by their personal bias, and as a result many, especially among geek cultural, struggle to face reality when it doesn’t line up with their preconceived views.
good point
there
?
a private message on Facebook
This would be a great place for a screen shot
Games and Culture said in their peer reviewed journal that, “the structure as an anonymous swarm allowed it to create an environment where anyone who criticized it or became its target was at risk, while allowing them to avoid individual responsibility for harassment.”
please review MLA or APA for proper in-text citation format
target
targeted
who have never touched those industries
?
power
power to
Fandoms compose of communities of fans of a sports team or fictional series in one medium or another.
?
acted
?
environment to
environment: from
Cyber bullying
This heading should follow the image and introduce the next paragraph
Definitions
Good job identifying key terms and providing definitions. Citations?
The rise of social media has made fandoms toxic and even dangerous. Where once fandoms were people joining together to share their love of a certain show, or series of books, films, games, etc, now fandoms of all kinds use social media to harass and even threaten others. From the people who support a certain media, to those who create it, fandoms now social media to manipulate people through online campaigns and false information to make certain projects fail. By connecting everyone, social media has brought out the worst of many.
thesis statement
Introduction
Headings were supposed to be H3
In this day and age
unnecessary
(Shainna Ali, Ph.D., LMHC)
?
Erik Peper, Associate Professor of Health Education at San Francisco State University, emphasizes that smartphone use can form neurological connections similar to connections that are seen in individuals with an opioid addiction (Shainna Ali, Ph.D., LMHC)
Which reference is cited here?
While this paper discusses the negative effects our devices and social media have on us, there are also some benefits to the whole theory as well. Social media enables adolescents to enhance their communication skills and social connections. The websites and applications allow these young adults to make new friends, exchange ideas and pictures, and develop new interests and experiments with new forms of self-expression (Elina Mir, Caroline Novas). Most adolescents today use social media to build on social communication and friendships as they extend it to the online world. While they might not necessarily be meeting new people all the time, but the teen users are “enriching” their currently existing friendships all while online.
Based on the opening sentence of this section I was expecting a more fully articulated argument for the benefits of devices and social media.
urged parents to force teens to take a reprieve
hmmm...that might invite trouble
Recent teen suicides have been blamed on cyber-bullying, and social media posts depicting ‘perfect’ lives may be taking a toll on teens’ mental health.
This needs a citation...or else it feels like speculation.
death
For whom? Certainly not for all persons. For youth?
cause
caused
media has
media have
Term Paper Topic
And the topic is...?
Diving deeper into the psychological realms of social media, young adults are constantly being perched as mental and emotional health victims. Cyber-bullying and harassment increasing levels of depression and suicide for young adults. While the bullying continues to make its presence on the internet, many young adults have reported that social media is essential for their friendships on and offline.
thesis statement
Title
This should be the title of your paper, and the title should provide the link to your paper's page (your name should not be the link).
https://www.google.com/adsense/start/get-started/?utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=1000160-adsense-acquisition-na-en-bkws&utm_term={keyword}&utm_content={creative}&gclid=CjwKCAjwv6blBRBzEiwAihbM-VT4qPAmRnX6KiGjRgLMjDnxiYgNBcgfk-dALSHRNZIJQmTrufChIBoCamMQAvD_BwE#/?modal_active=none
hyperlink?
References
There were supposed to be seven sources, and three of those were supposed to be scholarly/peer-reviewed. Also, each source should be cited in the body of your essay.
Less than 1200 word...under the required range
To put it how Matpat from Game theory said it their business model is based on nothing and what they do is as soon as they look big they sell it and cut their losses leaving the creators suffering from it.
needs to be rewritten
As said from a former maker executive on the article "Inside Disney's troubled $675 mil. Maker Studios acquisition."
fragment
Why do i mention this,
questions require question marks
The YouTube Pecha Kucha video was a nice way to incorporate your classmate's work, but it needed an introductory sentence or two to explain what it contributes to your argument.
but the way that they do have not.
?
i
I
article
essay?
However once Pandora's box was opened it was shown how they work and what they actually do and it shows that they are no longer needed in this day in age, or if they wish to stay any longer they need to make a drastic change to how they are run if they want to be successful.
While this is similar to your thesis statement, it should be word-for-word
there
their
Instagram Is the Internet's New Home for Hate, article at https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2019/03/instagram-is-the-internets-new-home-for-hate/585382/
Hi Alexis, the Slideshare presentation needs to be added using embed code instead of a link. See the example, Right to be Forgotten, to see what it should look like.
Hi Destiny, this needs annotations for each slide. Please see the example provided, e.g. The Right to be Forgotten.
from Jacob Sandoval
This is redundant. Also, not sure why it is liked to an empty page.
Hi Tanner, this needs to have the presentation embedded (either Slideshare or YouTube) instead of a link. See the examples provides.
This post needs a byline, e.g. credit for authorship
Hello Jordy/Sarah, this needs to be embedded and not a link. Copy the embed code from the Slideshare website and insert in this page. See the example post (Right to be Forgotten).
The embed code will look like this...
<iframe src="//www.slideshare.net/slideshow/embed_code/key/zgY8uq1euHzPka" width="595" height="485" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" style="border:1px solid #CCC; border-width:1px; margin-bottom:5px; max-width: 100%;" allowfullscreen> </iframe> <div style="margin-bottom:5px"> TITLE from LOGIN </div>
Also be sure to include the name of the author and the annotations for each slide.
maybe your should have used this for your VO... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjR6wrB1Luo
Your sources are not cited in the body of your paper. Links to sources are broken.
You're missing 2 links to Pecha Kucha posts
You were supposed to link terms that appear in your essay to five Pecha Kucha presentation pages.
So when these athletes received these pay stubs they were a shocked and mad on how little of money they were awarded for not knowing they were eventually going to get paid.
The intro should conclude with your thesis statement
Still no media, e.g. photos or video. I see where you tried to insert two images, but they are not displaying correctly.