8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. inmate, they

      replace comma with period?

    2. Such as having inmates that are incarcerated for long periods have access to programs that inmates that are serving less time should have more of an option to go to a program to have the knowledge to have for when then inmates come out from shorter sentences.

      fragment

    3. somewhat not doing

      rephrase for precision/clarity?

    4. BJS

      spell out?

    5. 7547 I

      insert comma

    6. Many of these prisoners would be ready for the job, if indeed it is a must to have an educational requirement before leaving prison

      not sure of the sentence logic here--rephrase?

    7. These prisoners, if given the opportunity to get a GED or take an educational course to assist in the job market.

      edit for fragment

    8. “[I]n 2004 52% of state prisons’ inmates reported having participated in a correctional education program…inmates who participated in these programs had 43% lower odds of recidivating.” (Crayton & Neuster, 2008)

      nice use of data

    9. We must look and find ways to decrease

      keep your purpose in mind: you are not to argue to inquiry and see where the research takes you, right?

    10. you must

      why the shift to "you"?

    11. “[I]n 2007 alone, Massachusetts spent over 500 million on the prison system alone. Total spending on corrections nationwide exceeds 60 billion per year.”

      good, substantive data

    12. More importantly

      Rephrase? You have nothing to compare this to, yet, right?

    13. how is education preventing inmates to reoffend?

      you might want to omit this question for now so we can see where your first question leads us

    14. Studies and facts have proven that within five years of release 76% of prisoners will re-offend and be entered back into the prison system

      cite source, even if it's the same one you've just cited

    15. (Diane Whitmore Schanzenbach, 2016)

      Thanks for the helpful data and in-text citation. You will need just the author's last name (no year) in text.

    16. https://www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/18upr9yfup0514.pdf : Mariel Alper, Ph.D., and Matthew R. Durose, BJS Statisticians Joshua Markman, former BJS Statistician, May 2018 https://www.brookings.edu/research/twelve-facts-about-incarceration-and-prisoner-reentry/ : Diane Whitmore Schanzenbach, Ryan Nunn, Lauren Bauer, Audrey Breitwieser, Megan Mumford, and Greg Nantz, October 21, 2016 https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/paulmcleod/criminal-justice-reform-passes-congress : Paul McLeod, December 20, 2018 http://www.correctionsforum.net/article/educations-impact-on-recidivism-41872 : Education’s Impact on Recidivism, August 10,2015 http://nation.time.com/2014/02/18/report-prisoners-less-likely-to-reoffend-after-education-behind-bars/ : Maya Rhodan, February 18, 2014 https://prisoneducation.com/prison-education-news/the-cost-of-recidivism-victims-the-economy-and-american-pris-html/ : Chritopr Zukis, February 10,2014 https://www.stand-together.org/what-is-recidivism-and-what-can-we-do-about-it/ : Elizabeth Moyer, November 8, 2016 https://www.ted.com/talks/ismael_nazario_what_i_learned_as_a_kid_in_jail/transcript : Ismael Nazario, November 2014

      These items are not in MLA format Please start with author's last name and alphabetize all sources, okay? I'd be glad to help.

    17. References for Major Assignment

      Retitle: Works Cited?

    1. I had the chance to interview

      can you provide a transition? cite source and list at end of paper?

    2. What overhaul is opening up the walls and ceilings looking for extension of fire to prevent rekindle. Where before wearing you SCBA in overhaul it wasn’t enforced.

      edit for punctuation: note fragments

    3. them

      him? her?

    4. Firefighter Cancer Registry Enacted

      author's last name only

    5. uly 7th, 2018 President Trump had signed the “Firefighter Cancer Registry Act”, which had made it a public law. I

      cite source

    6. Of the research of the fire stations in Boston the trucks in the bays are more probable reason of indoor contaminants compared to the levels in the kitchen and the quarters.  While this study

      cite source and rephrase?

    7. they had researched only two out of the four had onsite commercial grade washing machines.

      who are they? please cite source

    8. the off-gassing

      explain for your audience?

    9. There was a pilot study that was done in some of the fire stations in Boston and there were two goals, one was to provide data on the air quality within some of the stations in Boston and the second one was to investigate some of the factors that may influence the contaminated air quality in the stations

      please cite source

    10. e fire, instead

      edit here and elsewhere for what is called a comma splice: using a comma like a period

    11. then introduce

      introduced

    12. Then the coats and boots were introduced then in the 1970s the boots, coats, pants, helmets, and gloves, all came together but that wasn’t the end of it.

      you seem to have more than one sentence here

    13. they basically

      instead of "they" replace with "fire fighters"

    14. service, in the early

      replace comma with period

    15. PPE (Personal Protective Equipment)

      I appreciate your explaining the term. Usually we reverse the order: giving the full term and then in parentheses giving the abbreviation.

    16. make you

      why the shift to "you"?

    17. is the second most causing death in the fire servic

      second leading cause of death

    18. in the fire service are 1.7 million new cases of cancer each year. (Sparer)

      Thanks for the data and the citation. Might you rephrase? In the fire service, 1.7 million cases occur each year

    19. about Cancer

      edit for capitalization?

    20. Why is cancer such a big problem in the fire service and how can it be prevented from firefighters from getting it.

      glad you start with the question-- punctuate as a question?

    21. There are different types of cancer that are possible and those are l

      might you reduce this sentence: There are different types of cancer: lung cancer, etc.

    22. Major Assignment #2

      want to provide your own title, informing your reading as to your question?

    23. Work Cited

      please alphabetize include personal interview?

    24. “Firefighter Cancer Registry Enacted.” Professional Safety, vol. 63, no. 8, Aug. 2018, p. 11. EBSCOhost, bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=aph&AN=131049626&site=ehost-live. 8 Mar. 2019

      instead of URL the name of the database should suffice

    25. aynor, Barry. “Cancer in the Fire Service .” 8 Mar. 2019.

      Please complete per MLA

    1. “It is really fortunate for those college athletes to receive free education at top schools in the country. I believe that the rule should stay put because it gives college athletes the ability to expand their minds and really ask themselves if basketball is a path they wish to pursue after their education. To whatever decision those student athletes are to make are totally up to them and they will have to deal with their decisions. Athletes are getting too greedy in college wanting to get paid to play college ball. They should be acknowledging the fact that they are getting a free education at some of the top schools in the world”.

      long quotations should e sent apart with their own margins or hanging indents

    2. says

      insert comma before quotations

    3. phenom’s

      delete apostrophe

    4. Noah Fleischman a sports editor for common wealth times says “

      edit for punctuation

    5. On the other hand

      I appreciate the transition

    6. Nick believes

      Sagai believes

    7. This would create a tremendous new rate of players coming into this league every year and would leave many many athletes jobless and no education at al

      a good point

    8. one and done rule

      explain for your reader's sake?

    9. college and no education

      I don't follow your meaning: rephrase?

    10. become more informed, taking

      replace comma with period?

    11. There was an $11 million dollar salary gap from the number one overall pick and the fourteenth overall pick.

      Do you have a source or did you already know this? If you didn't know beforehand you will need to cite source, right?

    12. lose draft stock, for example

      insert period rather than a comma between sentences

    13. and how the possible outcomes might affect the NBA or college basketball.

      rephrase for parallel structure: and could affect the NBA

    14. High School

      lower case

    15. who take advantage of it.

      post write?

    16. Norlander, Matt. “One-and-Done Rule Lives on, but That’s Not Such a Bad Thing        for College Hoops.” CBSSports.com, CBS Sports, 15 Dec. 2016 Sugai, Nick. “The Effect Of Early Entry Into the NBA.” Amherst Education,                    2010 Fleischman, Nick. “Why Should Elite Basketball Players Have to Go to       College?” The Commonwealth Times, 27 Feb. 2019 Willis, Justin. “Should the NBA Eliminate the ‘One and Done’ Rule?” Greenville           University Papyrus, 3 May 2018 Curran, Tom E. Personal Interview. 03 Mar. 2019

      not in commlete MLA compliance Remember to include web addresses for web sources and names of data bases for peer reviewed sources all sources should be alphabetized, right?

    1. fore bed, typically

      replace comma with period

    2. cat-fished

      explain?v

    3. “It’s about a 75/25 in terms of helping those find their individuality, social media is primarily used as a comparison rather than as aiding the individual.

      is this quote accurate? note punctuation error

    4. entirely up to them, however

      edit for punctuation: period after them/comma after however

    5. Adolescents are considered to be the most active users among all forms of social media

      is this the focus of the paragraph or do you want to revise this topic sentence to help prepare your reader for the true focus of the paragraph?

    6. From personal past

      my own personal past experience?

    7. you’re t

      why the shift to "you're"?

    8. A study conducted by the Associated Press-NORC in 2017 showed that 89% of adolescents use smartphones as a way to access social media for convenience. (Hawk, van den Eijnda, van Lissa, ter Bogt, 2018)

      good--and thanks for citing note you are using APA and not MlA

    9. for real interpersonal situations and settings and is anxiety and depression linked to social media use?

      you have two questions here: which one do you wish to answer?

    10. millennial’s

      millennials

    11. true answer for

      answer to

    12. The reason for this being, is these three are not only the most popular but also the most prominent throughout a variety of age groups.

      understood do note the fragment here, however

    13. Social Media, is

      delete comma?

    14. Work Cited:

      I don't see a post write

    15. Selfhout, Maarten H.W, et al. “Different Types of Internet Use, Depression, and Social Anxiety: The Role of Perceived Friendship Quality.” Journal of Adolescence, Academic Press, 22 Nov. 2008, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0140197108001218.

      pretty good MLA form include date of access and title of database?

    1. The overdose death rate for inmates has dropped by 61% within a year of them leaving jail, lowered the fatal overdose rate for the entire state by 12%.

      cite source I am stopping here because you are not consistently citing sources when borrowing

    2. most toughest places

      most tough

    3. One great way is that in Morrison county drug policy expert Brendan Saloner of the Johns Hopkins school of public health published a report for all towns in the US to promote safer prescriptions, re

      I'm glad you are citing an author but you will need to revise the introduction to the source

    4. lets say,

      let's

    5. individual’s a

      individuals

    6. It makes

      probably not a good idea to begin a paragraph with a pronoun: to what does "It" refer?

    7. you need

      why the shift to "you"?

    8. The hippocampus lays memories of a sense of satisfaction and the amygdala creates a response to certain stimuli

      cite sources

    9. brains reward

      brain's

    10. Well,

      seems more like speech than formal writing no?

    11. Drug addiction is a chronic relapsing disease that effects the brain.

      okay: this is a clear hypothesis but remember to be true to your purpose--not to argue. but to inquire and find possible answers

    12. From the early stages of middle school teens trying it getting into peer pressure, to adult ages from simply trying it just to try it, depression, even having a “fun” time, or mistakenly use from a doctors prescription

      fragment?

    13. https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/how-addiction-hijacks-the-brain https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/understanding-drug-use-addi https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/drug-addiction/symptoms-causes/syc-20365112ction http://www.blogtalkradio.com/bubblehour/2019/03/25/guest-sam-anthony-lucania https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/danvergano/overdose-prevention-little-falls-minnesota

      not in MLA format

    1. Brain scans revealed that psychopathy in criminals was associated with decreased connectivity between the amygdala, a subcortical structure of the brain that processes negative stimuli, and the ventromedial prefrontal cortex (vmPFC), a cortical region in the front of the brain that interprets the response from the amygdala. When the connectivity between these two regions is low, processing of negative stimuli in the amygdala does not translate into any strongly felt negative emotions.” Parts of the brain can actually have dysfunctions to cause somebody to “act out” or not be who they are; which can sometimes turn them into a criminal. 

      please paraphrase

    2. it sure as hell

      tone too informal

    3. and stuff,

      diction too informal

    4. riminal acts under the Criminal Code of Canada, play an important role in substance use, violence, and other criminal behavior in adulthood. We adopted the life course perspective to identify modifiable contextual influences and co-occurring individual, social, and familial determinants associated with adult criminality. Using in-depth interview data, a sub-sample of 13 women who had recently experienced intimate partner violence, recounted their experiences of childhood abuse, their own substance use or criminality, as well as implications of these factors on their children’s life trajectories.

      why quote at length? paraphrase please

    5. According to an article titled “Linking childhood and adult criminality” states

      author?

    6. ”They have not been given special training in following rules. Perhaps given their dull affect, one could experiment with training programs that increase negative emotion processing artificially and then teach them to associate these heightened negative emotions with morally bad actions. Certain hallucigenics, such as psilocybin, might be an effective tool.”

      please paraphrase before moving on

    7. Have one of your friends ever told you to just take that pack of gum? Or even just “hey man, its just five bucks, she wont even notice.”

      I would suggest replacing this with a topic sentence

    8. All the way from our past; childhood, current life with friends or family, even just from what we see on social media or in the streets

      fragment

    9. its just

      it's the tone here is too informal, no?

    10. Have one of you

      why the shift to "your"?

    11. They

      name authors?

    12. According to this article titled “The making of a serial killer” sources say,

      please cite author

    13. Have you ever wondered why somebody would, well I don’t know, kill their mother? Child? Rob a bank? Steal a car? Where would someone, in their right mind get these ideas from? So the real question is, what turns somebody into a criminal? There can be many different reasons why somebody would choose to become a criminal. Here, I’ll be talking about the psychological, social and mental reasons why these things happen.

      not sure why this is in large font I'm also not sure this works as an opening--at least the first part.

    14. hoose a research question not a specific question itself.

      not sure I follow

    15. Work cited Brogaard, Berit ” The making of a serial killer ” 7 December, 2012 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-superhuman-mind/201212/the-making-serial-killer ” Linking Childhood and Adult Criminality ” 28 October, 2013 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3863855/

      This is a start but you will need more sources, of courses including three peer reviewed sources from databases and a personal interview

    1. This software is able to tell how focused the patient is on the images that he or she sees.

      What were the results? I think you've left that out!

      need concluding paragraph?

    2. Guía

      not in list of Works Cited?

    3. An estimated 8.4% of children and 2.5% of adults have ADHD. ADHD is more common in boys than in girls.

      cite source

    4. Reading test of words and not words

      I don't follow

    5. Some early signs of Dyslexia include late talking, learning new words slowly, problems remembering names or words, and mispronouncing words or letters.

      cite source

    6. (Mayo Clinic)

      per MLA: author's last name?

    7. Dyslexia is a learning disorder

      transition?

    8. After the intervention, the parents of the children reported that they saw improvements in grades and social skills in class and during recess.

      good

    9. There have been many studies proving that video games have a tremendous impact on how a child or adolescent with Autism acts socially

      okay: good. You are getting down to business But can you provide a transition between this and the paragraph before?

    10. you have

      why the shift to "you"?

    11. ith Autism mainly affecting how people perceive the world and not being able to interact socially, along with feeling tremendous amounts of anxiety and in most cases physical harm (autism.org).

      note fragment need to use MLA in text formatting

    12. Autism, Dyslexia, and Attention Deficit Dis

      why capitalize?

    13. Parents and teachers want to know of types of video games

      Can you create a transition between the first and second sentence: something is missing, no?

    14. know of types of video

      know what types of

    15. Major Assignment #2

      Major Assignment 2, Draft 2

    16. Work Cited

      These sources seem credible--good Personal interview as well?

    17. De La Guía, Elena. “Educational Games Based on Distributed and Tangible User Interfaces to Stimulate Cognitive Abilities in Children with ADHD.” British Journal of Educational Technology, John Wiley & Sons, Ltd (10.1111), 27 Apr. 2014, onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/bjet.12165.

      Pretty good MLA form but remember to alphabetize and include name of database?

    18. Inquiry-based Research Essay

      Can you provide your own, informative title?

    1. I believe video games touch upon three main things, they are a source of entertainment, they positively effect peoples mentally, and lastly this will ultimately leads to video games improving society by helping the individual who will in turn help his society. 

      okay: this seems to be the structured inquiry; now make sure that you have covered all these items sufficiently, with detail and evidence

    2. And most importantly they can help change the world. 

      have you shown this?

    3. ones self

      one's self?

    4. game called World of Warcraft as a basis for looking at inflation over time. The reasoning behind this is that the economy in the game tanks more and more each year. This is because as players play the game they are accumulating wealth that they might not be parting with. Some solutions professionals have looked into that are apart of the game are money sinks (things such as taxes which limit the percentage of wealth accumulated at any one time) 

      for those of us who are not users of the game you might need to slow down and provide info

    5. there are a slew

      there is

    6. h a plethora of mental functions

      have you shown this yet?

    7. Finally, we are going to talk about society and a little murder can be good for it!

      don't think the transition works here, do you?

    8. he game in question is Entropia Online. Finally through games helping to express yourself and improve your own mental functions they can ultimately be used as a foundation for asking questions and getting people to think about real world issues such as resource scarcity and sociological issues like race relations. 

      please say more and in its own paragraph?

    9. favoriute 

      typo

    10. But this example only covers social communications the next example i

      insert period between sentence

    11. In this game there are hundreds sometimes even thousands of people in the world interacting with both the environment and other people.

      good point perhaps you should bring this forward in the paragraph so it doesn't get buried?

    12. or some people they are just garbage at talking one on one.

      not sure I follow

    13. in a lot of cases more beneficial

      not sure what you mean--more beneficial than people?

    14. IQ video games

      insert comma

    15. classic games, they

      replace comma with period

    16. (Talk about music in video games, also talk about modern motion detection) 

      note to self?

    17. your own mind

      why the shift to "your"?

    18. Video Games and the World 

      perhaps a more informative title might help?

    19. Andy Serkis(Motion capture specialist, worked on black panther, planet of the apes…ect)(Planet of the Apes Frontier Documentary) 

      interesting quotation use only his last name for in-text--per MLA

    20. Leave a Comment

      I see no post write

    21. ideo games as entertainment 

      please follow MLA format for list of Works Cited: alphabetically arranged

    1. When scientist study the brain of people listening to music all the areas of the brain light up. It is like fireworks in the brain. Playing music is the brain’s equivalent to a full

      is this a quotation? I'm stopping now. I cannot tell what sources you've used and how you've used them. In other words, I suspect plagiarism.

    2. Children can have better with nonverbal reasoning, f

      rephrase for clarity

    3. Music makes relax and concentrate for human body.

      not idiomatic English--please rephrase

    4. It improves memory, attention, physical coordination and mental development.

      cite source

    5. how music affects the human body and why?

      rephrase: How does music affect the human body and why?

    6. All cultures and people’s global responses to music.

      fragment

    7. Major Assignment #2 draft 2

      I don't see a Works Cited in this draft. That concerns me deeply.

    1. Social media definitely has it’s bad and good, but at the end of the day it depends on you, and how you’re using it.

      while I agree that your question is complex, and your purpose isn't to argue a thesis, this closing seems, well, simplistic, no?

    2. The connection between SNS use and negative outcomes may be due in part to users comparing themselves to others online, which may become especially problematic as users make upward social comparisons (Lockwood & Kunda 1997).” If you go into your social media everyday to feel inspired or for that daily or even hourly “fix” than that’s amazing, but if you go on your social media everyday with a bad mindset that’ll definitely put you in a funk, and you might want to delete it to better oneself.

      I think this might be put earlier, no?

    3. SNS

      explain?

    4. he last source “Can’t stop scrolling!: pathological use of social networking sites in emerging adulthood”

      see above comments cite author by name

    5. My next source titled “The Impact of Social Media on Social Comparison and Envy in Teenagers: The Moderating Role of the Parent Comparing Children and In-group Competition among Friends

      transition/topic sentence try to integrate source?

    6. of if I didn’t encounter this article, she stated “

      edit here and elsewhere for comma fault--using commas like periods

    7. The next article “Teens say Social Media Isn’t as bad For Them As You Might Think” is from BuzzFeed written by Katie Notopoulos.

      transition/topic sentence needed?

    8. it allows people to be creative, it allows you to express yourself.

      edit for comma fault?

    9. Rose, 2019)

      APA rather than MLA

    10. One of the most prominent  questions I asked her includes, “

      try to not to reproduce the Q and A but rather integrate the interview evidence into your writing, okay?

    11. I was very fortunate to be able to interview my sister,

      please provide a transition with the previous section

    12. Social media can be a sick place, but we need it. We need to check our social media page every chance we get, to see who just liked and commented on our recent post or to see what our friends are up to.

      do you want to include this part here--seems to undermine your point, no?

    13. ome negative impacts may include; when people compare themselves to others and feel more down about their own lives.

      can you work on this topic sentence some more: it seems to focus on just one negative--which is fine--but the topic sentence also suggests more than it promises.<br> Any particular reason why you start with the negative? is that where most of the research is taking you?

    14. is one hundred percent linked to this

      cite source?

    15. s a viewer, she then s

      replace comma with period

    16. social media becomes bigger and bigger

      okay: can you be more precise? do you mean more popular? used for more purposes?

    17. than you think

      why the shift to "you"?

    18. Although social media has positively impacted and made life easier for some.

      edit for fragment

    19. Holmgren, Hailey G., and Sarah M. Coyne. “Can’t Stop Scrolling!: Pathological Use of Social Networking Sites in Emerging Adulthood.” Bristol Community College, Taylor & Francis, 5 July 2017, www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=16&sid=a36edaab-4b04-4d32-a0ee-de1d671eff57%40sessionmgr4007.

      please alphabetize include dates of access and name of databases (no need for URL if database name included)

    20. Citations

      Works Cited I don't see a post write

    1. throughou

      Throughout

    2. looking at a comment made by Carl safina in his speech he states “

      Accord to. . . .

    3. ost friend.”(Carboni) this study

      fused sentence, here and elsewhere: insert period between sentences

    4. Barley Vol. 206, Issue 2758)

      just last name in-text

    5. 2 baby

      two

    6. even Mourn death a

      mourn

    7. there

      their

    8. she imputs

      another word than "inputs"?

    9. zoo, when

      replace comma with period

    10. Greene who

      insert comma

    11. there similarities

      their

    12. TEDtalks speech on “What animals are thinking and feeling, and why it should matter” he brings

      insert period between sentences

    13. bekoffs

      Bekoff's

    14. According to Marc Bekoff ,

      good use of signal phrase But might you begin the paragraph with a topic sentence of your own?

    15. This finding strongly resembles the known “similarity effect” in humans: We tend to make friends with people who are equally extroverted, friendly and bold as ourselves. “

      fascinating: please summarize more of the findings--in your own words

    16. biologists

      please cite authors' last names somewhere in this sentence or in parentheses. And these sources should be listed at the end, fully

    17. university of Vienna,

      edit for capitalization here and elsewhere: University of Vienna

    18. Now that we can say animals have simple emotions we can ask how complex are these emotions?

      I appreciate the effort to create transitions for your reader

    19. Study

      why capitalize?

    20. A popular science dedicated YouTube channel Seeker looked at a study being done on dogs being put through an MRI machine showing the same exact parts of the dogs brain lighting up that light up in a human brain for emotion indicating happiness when reacting to things like hearing familiar voices and seeing its owner enter the room.

      I believe that this long sentence will need editing for clarity and control. Perhaps you can break the sentence up into more than one?

    21. dogs brain

      dog's

    22. you’re pet dog

      your--but why the shift to "your"?

    23. there emotions

      their

    24. (Joe Hanson)

      Thanks for citing--last name is enough right here. But I don't see this source listed in your Works Cited at the end

    25. WORK CITED

      pretty good MLA form but remember to give the name of the data base rather than the url of the article. And include date of access. Finally, remember to alphabetize okay?

    26. I thought about the audience

      good to hear

    27. . I’ve learned more about quoting work and putting together information from multiple sources through my own research which was new to me. Also using peer reviewed articles is something I haven’t done before.

      This is helpful--thanks

    28. Do animals have Emotions?

      I appreciate the question--lets your reader know quickly what this paper is about Do take care to capitalize consistently, though: as a title, major words would be capitalized

    1. Social Media. Facebook, posts fake stories that we are so quick to believe.

      fragment

    2. ar’s

      Carr's

    3. Watching a TED talk titled “Why our Screens make us Less Happy” was a huge eye opener.

      transition/cite author

    4. Next article comes from the Washington Post

      transition/topic sentence/citation of author

    5. Reading from a belong called “The Guardian” it

      not sure I follow but provide transition, topic sentence?