8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Apr 2019
    1. I pulled from “Why Parents should Fear Myspace” a couple of important sentences. Pg. 73 states, “

      Can you work on integrating your source more smoothly into your writing? And remember to cite the author's last name in your sentence

    2. “Is Google Making Us Stupid?”   Beware of the Internet

      is the second line a subtitle of the first? If so, please bring together (separated by a colon). And no need to underline your own title

    3. Sources: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/07/is-google-making-us-stupid/306868/ https://www.ted.com/speakers/adam_alter?language=en https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/10/08/google-is-making-you-more-forgetful-heres-why-thats-a-good-thing/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.b49c543006de https://usa.kaspersky.com/resource-center/threats/top-seven-dangers-children-face-online http://www.futureofbusinessandtech.com/online-and-mobile-safety/parents-wake-up-the-hidden-dangers-online

      I see no postwrite And this list of sources is not in MLA format.

    1. a chemical that ferries information between neurons is released, it’s usually done through something pleasurable, and in this case achieving a goa

      cite source?

    2. One of those motivation components being an “achievement component”, which explains the “want” to advance in a game, perhaps to win as well as the interest in the rules and system of the game, along with the passion to compete with others.

      fragment

    3. Numerous studies have been done showing the key factors as to what motivates us to play games. Nick Yee, a scientist who made one of the first steps in building a framework for studying motivations, found three motivation components regarding why we find games intriguing.

      you set up this paragraph very nicely and introduce your source skillfully

    4. A new study has found that “gaming can stimulate neurogenesis (growth of new neurons) and connectivity in the brain regions responsible for spatial orientation, memory formation and strategic planning.” 

      cite source

    5. “Games have sometimes been praised or demonized, often without real data backing up those claims. Moreover, gaming is a popular activity, so everyone seems to have strong opinions on the topic.” says Marc Palau,

      I like the quote and the fact that you cite the author but you may have to edit the quotation to embed it in your writing more smoothly, making sure the punctuation is appropriate

    6. Which in turn, plants a seed of “normalness” to violence where as it might not affect them the same when compared to someone who doesn’t engage in violent video games.

      fragment

    7. Another example of a negative claim being, “emotional desensitization”, “responsiveness to a negative, aversive, or positive stimulus after repeated exposure to it.” (Wikipedia) F

      fragment When citing "Wikipedia," use the title of entry?

    8. brains in a negative way. Gamers are often ridiculed for having issues that cause decrease in “moral values”, with the point being made that violent video games are displaying a lack of reprimand for bad behaviors where children will tend to “mimic” what is being displayed from a violent video game and find ways to implement these behaviors into the real world.

      cite sources

    9. While a lot of research has been done concerning both the positive as well as negative health claims related to gaming in the mass media.

      edit for fragment

    10.  http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=6&sid=03ea96bb-aff5-47a4-9dbb-824a1d71932f%40sessionmgr4010 

      name of database will suffice here

    1. or my popular media resource, I found a website called Science Line that has many interesting articles all revolving around science-based

      see my earlier comment about integration of source and citing source's author

    2. not to the extent of humans “the sort of information unification that is the most important prerequisite for our kind of consciousness is not anything we are born with, not part of our innate, but in surprisingly large measure an artifact of our immersion in human culture” (Dennett)

      Please introduce quotation with signal phrase

    3. In the third article called

      Do you see how you are just listing sources with annotations? I'd like to see more integration of source material within your own writing

    4. their conscious behavior one experiment that was done by Darwin to provide more evidence was his story about this dog, when he walked

      edit for comma fault

    5. pursuing an understanding of animal consciousness: implications for animal morality and a creaturely theology” researchers talk about the consciousness, awareness, language, and though within animals.

      please cite source's author

    6. In another article called

      Can you begin with a topic sentence that introduces your own ideas before you quote a source? and perhaps transitions from the previous paragraph?

    7. For this assignment my research question is if animals are consciously aware of feelings or events, or in effect if they are just capable of

      I like this opening paragraph--it helps orient your reader quickly

    8. Coombs, Chelsey B. “Do Animals Have Consciousness?” Scienceline, 9 Mar. 2015, scienceline.org/2015/03/do-animals-have-consciousness/.

      pretty good form but include dates of access for these entries, too? personal interview?

    1. Examining the factory worker, we see someone who has become a “machine”.

      This is such a key idea in your paper--the "new cyborgs"--but you seem to bury it in this paragraph, no?

    2. Winick, Erin. “Every Study We Could Find on What Automation Will Do to Jobs, in One Chart.” MIT Technology Review, MIT Technology Review, 20 Feb. 2019, www.technologyreview.com/s/610005/every-study-we-could-find-on-what-automation-will-do-to-jobs-in-one-chart/

      okay: I see a scholarly source. More needed, right?

    3. This migration marks the shift in the types of labor people were doing, and the shift in the relationship between humans and technology.

      So far I have not seen one source cited. Why?

    4. While one may think that this is a great development, there are many unintended consequences.

      here, too, you introduce a key point but it seems buried in the paragraph--can you bring it forward, as part of your topic sentence?

    5. Where before technology augmented human efforts, it is now replacing human labor

      This is such an important point: shouldn't you bring it forward? --to the beginning of the paragraph, as a topic sentence? or perhaps even sooner?

    6. Thanks to technology, the security exists that is required for leisure and that “frivolous” work that would have caused our ancestors to starve.

      I sense that this essay is starting very broadly, if thoughtfully, and takes its time to get to the question and possible answers. Do you think you might for your reader's sake begin to focus more sharply sooner?

  2. Feb 2019
    1. the audience was a very select few people and it shows in his writing. He uses quotes from the bible

      good: this is King's way of reaching the 8 clergymen? explain?

    2. MLK wrote a letter to the clergymen of Birmingham, Alabama to get his point across and The audience is important for readers to understand the reasoning and purpose of the writing.

      can you slow your analysis down? You are going too fast! Take your time, okay? Use multiple paragraphs, for your reader's sake and for your own analysis

    3. King, Martin Luther Jr. “Letter from Birmingham Jail” King Research and Education Institute. 16 April 1963.okra.stanford.edu/transcription/document_images/undecided/630416-019.pdf Livingston, Donovan “Lift Off” Harvard School of Education. 25 May 2017.https://singjupost.com/full-transcript-donovan-livingstons-harvard-graduate-school-of-education-student-speech/ Andalzua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue” 1987.https://www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/965/Anzaldua-Wild-Tongue.pdf

      please alphabetize by author's last name. Include dates of access, too.

    4. Post Write: This writing reminded me of a lot of writings I did in high school. I had experience because of the pre-AP classes. I would want to do work with pieces of literature that I have picked out.

      please develop your post write

    1. n addition, in the “Livingston Commencement” by Livingston a college grad and a great speaker

      again, try to set4 up a meaningful topic sentence?

    2. How to Tame a Wild Tongue” by Gloria Anzaldua describes she is who she is as a person because of her language and cul

      revise topic sentence for sharper focus?

    3. The crowd was roaring as high school Basketball star James hunter scores a three-point buzzer beater to send his team to the Basketball finals. T

      I appreciate the engaging opening but I wonder if you could set this up so it isn't so abrupt. Start with the coach's speech?

    4. t gave them motivation to not think anything is not impossible it gives them hope to accomplish what they want to

      I don't see a post write nor do I see a list of Works Cited

    1. the audience has an idea of what to expect from them.

      nice: you've linked audience with genre--an idea you may come back for your Theory of Writing

    2. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2016, www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift?fbclid=IwAR3I4uFsAEptNAzCrQQWy7fVX_ctYt7rChBpvExNTuIq8kiUnlTnUzIyc88.

      date of access?

    1. , Purpose is what you are writing your piece for is it Informative, entertainment, or even persuasive.

      edit for punctuation? Try to be precise when defining the term

    2. Donovan knows this well because he understands his audience of Harvard graduates.

      what is the genre for the Collins' speech? You've not finished your analysis

    3. genre in writing is a description given too a writing to describe the content it will explain and inform you about.

      please be more precise: genre refers to a category of composition

    4. Collins, Billy. “Commencment Address.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 Livingston, Donovan. “Donovan Livingston’s Harvard Graduate School of Education Student Speech.” YouTube, HarvardEducation, 25 May 2016, m.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGUpKITeJM.

      You will need to cite three sources, right? Close to MLA form but you will need to include web address, date of publication, and date of access

    1. Collins, Billy. “Commencment Address.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 Livingston, Donovan. “Donovan Livingston’s Harvard Graduate School of Education Student Speech.” YouTube, HarvardEducation, 25 May 2016, m.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGUpKITeJM.

      You will need to cite three sources, right? Please follow MLA format: including web address, date of access

    1. Billy Collins gave an amazing commencement address in May of 2008, to Colorado College

      do you want to tweak this topic sentence to give your reader a heads up about what the paragraph will be about?

    2. commencement address. Although this is a commencement address Collins uses poetry and even humor to keep the graduating class focused and entertained. He tends to poke fun at himself, and a joke that I found pretty funny was when he said “all the pre-law students just looked at their watches” (Collins par 1) after saying he was going to speak for only 13 minutes.

      good obervation

    3. purpose is defined as the reason the author decides to write about a specific topic.

      can you be more precise as to the meaning of this term: what the writing is doing?

    4. Anzaldua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue.” How to Tame a Wild Tongue, www.everettsd.org. Collins, Billy. “Billy Collins Poet Laureate.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 |  www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0135-Billy-Collins-Gives-Brilliant-Witty-Commencement-Speech-Address-At-Colorado-College-2008.htm. Donovan, Livingston. Commencement Address, Harvard University, Boston. 25 May, 2016

      Close to MLA form. Remember to include dates of publication for all and date of access. You will need a web address for the Livingston piece.

    1. In its simplest form, this turn to rhetoric shifts attention away from student writing as an artifact and towards student writing as an activity, and in this way mirrors a fundamental change in approach from the current-traditional model to the process model. When students write, they participate in a community of readers and writers engaged in thinking, reading, discussing and writing about shared issues, ideas, and concepts. To be effective in this community, the writer must learn to be aware of the rhetorical situation. What do I want to accomplish with my writing? To whom am I appealing and what are their needs? What expectations of the audience must I satisfy or risk going unheard.  

      a very thoughtful closing

    2. He his clearing addressing new teachers how to teach, only teachers will be addressed like this because this is matters that concerns them. 

      yes: good

    3. fellow clergymen who criticized him first and foremos

      good. Now quote from the letter to show evidence that King is thinking about this group of 8?

    4. “you guys still awake” (Faten Aggad) This is an indication she is talking to young group of people because this is basically how college students act in classes,

      Yes!

    5. She told me that our stories are ladders that make it easier for us to touch the stars” (Livingston) this statement caught my attention because he engaged me to picture myself climbing a ladder to reach the stars

      good but note need to edit for punctuation

    6. he main genre here in this art is Pecha-kucha which is 20 slides presentation shown for 20 seconds each

      you've said some of this earlier, right?

    7. these key terms involved in successful writings which are genre,  audience and purpose.   

      successful writing: genre, audience, and purpose

    8. Aggad, Faten. “Every 60 seconds in Africa.” Pechakucha presentation. 29 Feb. 2016. 17 Feb. 2019 <https://www.pechakucha.com/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot>.   King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham jail.” 16 Apr. 1963. King research and education institute. 17 Feb. 2019 <http://okra.stanford.edu/transcription/document_images/undecided/630416-019.pdf>.   Livingston, Donovan. “Lift off.” 25 May 2016. Harvard Graduate School of Education. 17 Feb. 2019 <https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift>. 

      good MLA format (I believe the date of access comes last but still good form).

    1. Because of the audience being religious leaders, Martin uses religious (specifically Christian) motifs throughout the letter, in order to better appeal to them and explain himself. For example, Martin describes his visit to  Birmingham to protest “Just as the eighth-century prophets left their little villages and carried their “thus saith the Lord” far beyond the boundaries of their hometowns; and just as the Apostle Paul left his little village of Tarsus and carried the gospel of Jesus Christ to practically every hamlet and city of the Greco-Roman world”. (King

      good use of text for support

    2. Some writers simply wish to entertain, while some wish to educate the audience about a certain subject, and others want to make a statement about society and make strong criticisms towards it.

      good

    3. . Should it be for more mature audiences with a higher age rating, or a should it be more family friendly? Should the game appease to a casual market who just want to have simple fun, or should it have a harder edge to appeal to hardcore players who seek a challenge?

      good questions

    4. When it comes to writing anything, writers typically have to consider three separate things. Firstly, what the genre of what they’re writing is. Second, what the work’s intended audience is. And third, what the purpose of the work is. These three things are fundamental when it comes to writing, especially when creating the foundations before the major aspects are created.

      good, helpful introduction

    5. King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail.” Birmingham Jail, 16 Mar. 1963, Birmingham, Alabama. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.”, 25 May 2016, Harvard Graduate School of Education, Boston, MA. Graduation Speech.

      web addresses and dates of access?

    6. “How To Tame A Wild Tongue.” Borderlands / La Frontera: the New Mestiza, by Anzaldúa, Gloria.

      not quite in MLA format. Begin with author's last name, include date of publication, web address, and date of access

    1. the audience relies on the genre because certain kinds of genre draw in different people.

      This is an important point and may be part of your Theory of Writing.