- Apr 2019
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kmkennedy.edublogs.org kmkennedy.edublogs.org
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The second paragraph states, “I’m not thinking the way I used to think
cite author
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To now pick apart the article.
fragment
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Is Google Making Us Stupid?” stuck out to me.
transition?
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google
capitalization consistency
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Interviewing my friend Rebecca about our childhood was a fun experience.
can you provide a transition and more informative topic sentence?
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myspace, Facebook, twitter,
be consistent when capitaliziing?
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adults to social media
by social media
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VS where the internet and society tell them they should be.
fragment?
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appropriate standers
not sure what that means
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myspace
MySpace?
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I pulled from “Why Parents should Fear Myspace” a couple of important sentences. Pg. 73 states, “
Can you work on integrating your source more smoothly into your writing? And remember to cite the author's last name in your sentence
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Your best friends, or people you
why the shift to "you"?
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Getting older Myspace
rephrase: As I got older, Myspace stepped . . . .
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“Is Google Making Us Stupid?” Beware of the Internet
is the second line a subtitle of the first? If so, please bring together (separated by a colon). And no need to underline your own title
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Sources: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/07/is-google-making-us-stupid/306868/ https://www.ted.com/speakers/adam_alter?language=en https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-intersect/wp/2015/10/08/google-is-making-you-more-forgetful-heres-why-thats-a-good-thing/?noredirect=on&utm_term=.b49c543006de https://usa.kaspersky.com/resource-center/threats/top-seven-dangers-children-face-online http://www.futureofbusinessandtech.com/online-and-mobile-safety/parents-wake-up-the-hidden-dangers-online
I see no postwrite And this list of sources is not in MLA format.
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jdogjdog4.edublogs.org jdogjdog4.edublogs.org
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Peer Pressure
lower case?
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Griffiths & Meredith, 2009; Kuss & Griffiths, 2012; Liu & Peng, 2009)
Thanks for in-text citation but note this in APA format
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a chemical that ferries information between neurons is released, it’s usually done through something pleasurable, and in this case achieving a goa
cite source?
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as much as they are, instead
replace comma with period
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whom stated when asked
When asked. . . . he stated
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Robert Waldinger
last name sufficient here
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Which in short, describes the discomfort felt when we lose opportunities or must make irreversible decisions.
fragment
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The second motivational factor
can you break this long paragraph up?
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ocused mental state, flow i
replace comma with period
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one of these factors being “Competence” how is competence implemented in gaming?
insert period for new sentence
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Self Determination Theory
author's last name
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study found claiming
study claimed or found that
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(Introduction of a new instrument to measure motivation for gaming: the electronic gaming motives questionnaire)
author's last name only
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Lastly, there is what is known as the “immersion component”
continue to cite source when borrowing
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sets in you
insert comma
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When you
why the shift to "you"?
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One of those motivation components being an “achievement component”, which explains the “want” to advance in a game, perhaps to win as well as the interest in the rules and system of the game, along with the passion to compete with others.
fragment
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Numerous studies have been done showing the key factors as to what motivates us to play games. Nick Yee, a scientist who made one of the first steps in building a framework for studying motivations, found three motivation components regarding why we find games intriguing.
you set up this paragraph very nicely and introduce your source skillfully
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Human Movement Science
author?
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With
lower case
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for example, although it’s not a
edit for comma fault
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A new study has found that “gaming can stimulate neurogenesis (growth of new neurons) and connectivity in the brain regions responsible for spatial orientation, memory formation and strategic planning.”
cite source
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claims have also been made claiming
note the repetion of "claim . . . claiming" I do like the transitional word, "Furthermore"
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“Games have sometimes been praised or demonized, often without real data backing up those claims. Moreover, gaming is a popular activity, so everyone seems to have strong opinions on the topic.” says Marc Palau,
I like the quote and the fact that you cite the author but you may have to edit the quotation to embed it in your writing more smoothly, making sure the punctuation is appropriate
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Which in turn, plants a seed of “normalness” to violence where as it might not affect them the same when compared to someone who doesn’t engage in violent video games.
fragment
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use to
used to
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a child engages
when children engage . . . them
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Another example of a negative claim being, “emotional desensitization”, “responsiveness to a negative, aversive, or positive stimulus after repeated exposure to it.” (Wikipedia) F
fragment When citing "Wikipedia," use the title of entry?
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brains in a negative way. Gamers are often ridiculed for having issues that cause decrease in “moral values”, with the point being made that violent video games are displaying a lack of reprimand for bad behaviors where children will tend to “mimic” what is being displayed from a violent video game and find ways to implement these behaviors into the real world.
cite sources
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t is often analyzed from researchers that
Can you simplify and say, "Researchers have learned that . . . ."
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The Effects of Gaming
good, clear and informative title
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aming up to 80-100 hours a week,
please cite sources, even in the introduction
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While a lot of research has been done concerning both the positive as well as negative health claims related to gaming in the mass media.
edit for fragment
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http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=6&sid=03ea96bb-aff5-47a4-9dbb-824a1d71932f%40sessionmgr4010
name of database will suffice here
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cited:
Cited You do a good job of listing the sources
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(Date accessed March 15th 2019)
minor edit: Accessed 15 March 2019
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epeyton6699.edublogs.org epeyton6699.edublogs.org
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they have great
the authors
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apposed
spelling?
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story’s
stories
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e German Shepard have a true emotional connection
not sure I see the evidence of this
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the affects
effects
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sell, this puppy
comma fault
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Coombs,2015)
I like the citation but this is not quite MLA
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or my popular media resource, I found a website called Science Line that has many interesting articles all revolving around science-based
see my earlier comment about integration of source and citing source's author
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not to the extent of humans “the sort of information unification that is the most important prerequisite for our kind of consciousness is not anything we are born with, not part of our innate, but in surprisingly large measure an artifact of our immersion in human culture” (Dennett)
Please introduce quotation with signal phrase
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Throughout the article it takes
Throughout the article, the authors . . . .
plese cite author within your sentence
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In the third article called
Do you see how you are just listing sources with annotations? I'd like to see more integration of source material within your own writing
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their conscious behavior one experiment that was done by Darwin to provide more evidence was his story about this dog, when he walked
edit for comma fault
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W. Cornel)
doesn't match Works Cited list
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and are able to think with corresponding behaviors it was even stated th
put period between sentences
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pursuing an understanding of animal consciousness: implications for animal morality and a creaturely theology” researchers talk about the consciousness, awareness, language, and though within animals.
please cite source's author
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In another article called
Can you begin with a topic sentence that introduces your own ideas before you quote a source? and perhaps transitions from the previous paragraph?
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there is forms
there are
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(Simon, Meric)
source not in list of Works Cited
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“For exam
insert signal phrase?
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reflexive consciousness
quotation?
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irreflexive consciousness
is this a quotation, if so please punctuate properly and cite source
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During one article
please cite source in text by author's last name
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researches
typo? researchers?
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For this assignment my research question is if animals are consciously aware of feelings or events, or in effect if they are just capable of
I like this opening paragraph--it helps orient your reader quickly
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human like
human-like
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I have always had an interest in animals and how they act, I have also had
edit for comma fault?
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though.
typo?
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Coombs, Chelsey B. “Do Animals Have Consciousness?” Scienceline, 9 Mar. 2015, scienceline.org/2015/03/do-animals-have-consciousness/.
pretty good form but include dates of access for these entries, too? personal interview?
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dparnell11.edublogs.org dparnell11.edublogs.org
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Examining the factory worker, we see someone who has become a “machine”.
This is such a key idea in your paper--the "new cyborgs"--but you seem to bury it in this paragraph, no?
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The New Cyborgs
I like the use of this term but can you add to it so that your reader can be tipped off as to your Big Question?
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Winick, Erin. “Every Study We Could Find on What Automation Will Do to Jobs, in One Chart.” MIT Technology Review, MIT Technology Review, 20 Feb. 2019, www.technologyreview.com/s/610005/every-study-we-could-find-on-what-automation-will-do-to-jobs-in-one-chart/
okay: I see a scholarly source. More needed, right?
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13 June 2018,
accurate date of publication? and include date of access?
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Aristotle. Metaphysics. Penguin Books, 1998
close to MLA--include place of publication
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Works Cited
Note that none of these works is actually cited in your essay
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This migration marks the shift in the types of labor people were doing, and the shift in the relationship between humans and technology.
So far I have not seen one source cited. Why?
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that less human workers
fewer
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lets look
let's or let us
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losing their job, the change
edit for comma flaw?
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an industries
an industry's?
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While one may think that this is a great development, there are many unintended consequences.
here, too, you introduce a key point but it seems buried in the paragraph--can you bring it forward, as part of your topic sentence?
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Where before technology augmented human efforts, it is now replacing human labor
This is such an important point: shouldn't you bring it forward? --to the beginning of the paragraph, as a topic sentence? or perhaps even sooner?
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Thanks to technology, the security exists that is required for leisure and that “frivolous” work that would have caused our ancestors to starve.
I sense that this essay is starting very broadly, if thoughtfully, and takes its time to get to the question and possible answers. Do you think you might for your reader's sake begin to focus more sharply sooner?
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has never been more options
have never been. . . .
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Before discussing the present situation
This clause needs a subject: Before discussing. . . we . . . .
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Seocnd
typo
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- Feb 2019
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tyrikpeters.edublogs.org tyrikpeters.edublogs.org
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writing techniques
please name the terms and define them?
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Gloria
use last name only
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parents language
paents'
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the audience was a very select few people and it shows in his writing. He uses quotes from the bible
good: this is King's way of reaching the 8 clergymen? explain?
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bible
Bible
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a spoken word poem to address educators graduating from the Harvard Graduate School of Education.
good
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MLK wrote a letter to the clergymen of Birmingham, Alabama to get his point across and The audience is important for readers to understand the reasoning and purpose of the writing.
can you slow your analysis down? You are going too fast! Take your time, okay? Use multiple paragraphs, for your reader's sake and for your own analysis
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Donovan
Livingston Can you break this long paragraph up?
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How to Tame a Wild Tongue
put title in quotation marks?
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King, Martin Luther Jr. “Letter from Birmingham Jail” King Research and Education Institute. 16 April 1963.okra.stanford.edu/transcription/document_images/undecided/630416-019.pdf Livingston, Donovan “Lift Off” Harvard School of Education. 25 May 2017.https://singjupost.com/full-transcript-donovan-livingstons-harvard-graduate-school-of-education-student-speech/ Andalzua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue” 1987.https://www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/965/Anzaldua-Wild-Tongue.pdf
please alphabetize by author's last name. Include dates of access, too.
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Post Write: This writing reminded me of a lot of writings I did in high school. I had experience because of the pre-AP classes. I would want to do work with pieces of literature that I have picked out.
please develop your post write
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tristandam.edublogs.org tristandam.edublogs.org
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Collins purpos
Collins' purpose Remember to be precise: purpose is what the writing is doing
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His genre was a poetic.
commencement speech and poetry
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To add on in “Commencement” by Billy Collins he describes in one of his quotes
revise topic sentence?
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the students that are listening to his speech.
future teachers
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Donovan word is herd
Livingston's word is heard
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Livingston encourages students, educators an
he focuses on educators, no?
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n addition, in the “Livingston Commencement” by Livingston a college grad and a great speaker
again, try to set4 up a meaningful topic sentence?
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How to Tame a Wild Tongue” by Gloria Anzaldua describes she is who she is as a person because of her language and cul
revise topic sentence for sharper focus?
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Her genre was autobiography.
okay: good but can you start with this, so this idea isn't buried in the paragraph?
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Gloria l
use last name only?
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be your basis
why the shift to "your"?
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When Anzaldua says “Chicanos, there existed a sense of shame at being caught listening to our music”.
fragment?
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describes s
what is the subject of this verb?
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article
essay? memoir? try to be precise as to genre
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The crowd was roaring as high school Basketball star James hunter scores a three-point buzzer beater to send his team to the Basketball finals. T
I appreciate the engaging opening but I wonder if you could set this up so it isn't so abrupt. Start with the coach's speech?
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articles
compositions?
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We were underdogs many didn’t believe in us.
edit for fused sentence (again two sentences without period in between)
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our goal we made it
edit for punctuation: missing period
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we surpass
surpassed?
-
hunter
why no cap?
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Basketball
why the capital?
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t gave them motivation to not think anything is not impossible it gives them hope to accomplish what they want to
I don't see a post write nor do I see a list of Works Cited
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tarahferreira.edublogs.org tarahferreira.edublogs.org
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peech is to inspire students
good--teachers and students?
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also for present and future educators
good--the graduates were future teachers, by the way
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Lift off.
(Livingston)
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the genres of poetry and speech
yes: spoken word poetry
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A quick internet search would define autobiography as “an account of a person’s life written by that person”.
cite source?
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autobiography, memoir, academic essay, and poetry
good
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How to Tame a Wild Tongue
place quotations around someone else's title?
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the audience has an idea of what to expect from them.
nice: you've linked audience with genre--an idea you may come back for your Theory of Writing
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Genre can be defined as the organization of artistic pieces by characteristics of which each piece shares.
good, clear, precise definition
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your ideas
why the shift to "your"?
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Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2016, www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift?fbclid=IwAR3I4uFsAEptNAzCrQQWy7fVX_ctYt7rChBpvExNTuIq8kiUnlTnUzIyc88.
date of access?
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King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail.” Aug. 1963. Accessed February 13, 20
web address?
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Anzaldua, Gloria. How to Tame a Wild Tongue. Accessed February 13, 2019.
please include web address, date of publication
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robertbillotte37.edublogs.org robertbillotte37.edublogs.org
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, Purpose is what you are writing your piece for is it Informative, entertainment, or even persuasive.
edit for punctuation? Try to be precise when defining the term
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Donovan knows this well because he understands his audience of Harvard graduates.
what is the genre for the Collins' speech? You've not finished your analysis
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In Donovan Livingston’s Speech
what is his genre?
-
genre in writing is a description given too a writing to describe the content it will explain and inform you about.
please be more precise: genre refers to a category of composition
-
empowering his audience t
who is Livingston's audience, exactly?
-
audience too get
to get
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et when it is over”.
cite source
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going too be
to br
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Audience, Genre, and Purpose
why the caps? please define the terms
-
your Audience, with knowing our
note shift from I to your to your
-
Then as well show you how
missing a subject?
-
show too you
show to you (why the shift to "you"?
-
Collins, Billy. “Commencment Address.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 Livingston, Donovan. “Donovan Livingston’s Harvard Graduate School of Education Student Speech.” YouTube, HarvardEducation, 25 May 2016, m.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGUpKITeJM.
You will need to cite three sources, right? Close to MLA form but you will need to include web address, date of publication, and date of access
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robertbillotte37.edublogs.org robertbillotte37.edublogs.org
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Audience, Genre, and Purpose
why capitalize?
-
your writings
why the shift to "your"?
-
Collins, Billy. “Commencment Address.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 Livingston, Donovan. “Donovan Livingston’s Harvard Graduate School of Education Student Speech.” YouTube, HarvardEducation, 25 May 2016, m.youtube.com/watch?v=9XGUpKITeJM.
You will need to cite three sources, right? Please follow MLA format: including web address, date of access
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eng101pjh.edublogs.org eng101pjh.edublogs.org
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future educators of America
good
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The genre of this piece is a commencement address that is motivational in nature.
and spoken word poetry?
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She’s giving the voiceless a voice and letting them know that they aren’t alone in this world
yes: good
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autobiography but also has other elements throughout the piece.
good but this point seems to get lost in this paragraph.
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foreign speaking individuals.
can you be more precise? Chicaana? "mestizas"?
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speech is to uplift and motivate
good
-
Billy Collins gave an amazing commencement address in May of 2008, to Colorado College
do you want to tweak this topic sentence to give your reader a heads up about what the paragraph will be about?
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commencement address. Although this is a commencement address Collins uses poetry and even humor to keep the graduating class focused and entertained. He tends to poke fun at himself, and a joke that I found pretty funny was when he said “all the pre-law students just looked at their watches” (Collins par 1) after saying he was going to speak for only 13 minutes.
good obervation
-
Collins work
Collins"
-
purpose is defined as the reason the author decides to write about a specific topic.
can you be more precise as to the meaning of this term: what the writing is doing?
-
You have
why the shift to "you"?
-
Anzaldua, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue.” How to Tame a Wild Tongue, www.everettsd.org. Collins, Billy. “Billy Collins Poet Laureate.” Six Rules of Success | Graduation Speech 2009 | www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0135-Billy-Collins-Gives-Brilliant-Witty-Commencement-Speech-Address-At-Colorado-College-2008.htm. Donovan, Livingston. Commencement Address, Harvard University, Boston. 25 May, 2016
Close to MLA form. Remember to include dates of publication for all and date of access. You will need a web address for the Livingston piece.
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oorioye11.edublogs.org oorioye11.edublogs.org
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In its simplest form, this turn to rhetoric shifts attention away from student writing as an artifact and towards student writing as an activity, and in this way mirrors a fundamental change in approach from the current-traditional model to the process model. When students write, they participate in a community of readers and writers engaged in thinking, reading, discussing and writing about shared issues, ideas, and concepts. To be effective in this community, the writer must learn to be aware of the rhetorical situation. What do I want to accomplish with my writing? To whom am I appealing and what are their needs? What expectations of the audience must I satisfy or risk going unheard.
a very thoughtful closing
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Donovan Livingston Lift off
Livingston's "Lift Off"
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She made a statement “I would like to challenge you tonight” (Faten Aggad) This is a clear indication that she is challenging
good
-
He his clearing addressing new teachers how to teach, only teachers will be addressed like this because this is matters that concerns them.
yes: good
-
fellow clergymen who criticized him first and foremos
good. Now quote from the letter to show evidence that King is thinking about this group of 8?
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“you guys still awake” (Faten Aggad) This is an indication she is talking to young group of people because this is basically how college students act in classes,
Yes!
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She told me that our stories are ladders that make it easier for us to touch the stars” (Livingston) this statement caught my attention because he engaged me to picture myself climbing a ladder to reach the stars
good but note need to edit for punctuation
-
writing is Letter
why did he choose to write a letter?
-
he main genre here in this art is Pecha-kucha which is 20 slides presentation shown for 20 seconds each
you've said some of this earlier, right?
-
g as you listen
why the shift to "you"?
-
The presentation is very catchy with the graphics and very quick slides, each slide was about 20 seconds each
edit for comma fault?
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Analysis: Genres
smart decision to organize by term
-
“Donovan Livingston spoken word commencement
Donovan Livingston's "Spoken Word Commencement"
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The purpose of mine own writing is to persuade my audience that I know what it takes to make a successful writing using genres,
good
-
these key terms involved in successful writings which are genre, audience and purpose.
successful writing: genre, audience, and purpose
-
e to clearing define
to define clearly
-
Aggad, Faten. “Every 60 seconds in Africa.” Pechakucha presentation. 29 Feb. 2016. 17 Feb. 2019 <https://www.pechakucha.com/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot>. King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham jail.” 16 Apr. 1963. King research and education institute. 17 Feb. 2019 <http://okra.stanford.edu/transcription/document_images/undecided/630416-019.pdf>. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift off.” 25 May 2016. Harvard Graduate School of Education. 17 Feb. 2019 <https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift>.
good MLA format (I believe the date of access comes last but still good form).
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nlabanca11.edublogs.org nlabanca11.edublogs.org
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She explicitly reaches out to “chicanos” like her
good observation
-
written essay,
and autobiography?
-
a poetic manner
spoken word poetry
-
Because of the audience being religious leaders, Martin uses religious (specifically Christian) motifs throughout the letter, in order to better appeal to them and explain himself. For example, Martin describes his visit to Birmingham to protest “Just as the eighth-century prophets left their little villages and carried their “thus saith the Lord” far beyond the boundaries of their hometowns; and just as the Apostle Paul left his little village of Tarsus and carried the gospel of Jesus Christ to practically every hamlet and city of the Greco-Roman world”. (King
good use of text for support
-
specific focus in audience and purpose in mind
a very specific audience and purpose in mind
-
Letter from Birmingham Jail
put title in quotation marks?
-
Some writers simply wish to entertain, while some wish to educate the audience about a certain subject, and others want to make a statement about society and make strong criticisms towards it.
good
-
. Should it be for more mature audiences with a higher age rating, or a should it be more family friendly? Should the game appease to a casual market who just want to have simple fun, or should it have a harder edge to appeal to hardcore players who seek a challenge?
good questions
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When it comes to writing anything, writers typically have to consider three separate things. Firstly, what the genre of what they’re writing is. Second, what the work’s intended audience is. And third, what the purpose of the work is. These three things are fundamental when it comes to writing, especially when creating the foundations before the major aspects are created.
good, helpful introduction
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King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail.” Birmingham Jail, 16 Mar. 1963, Birmingham, Alabama. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.”, 25 May 2016, Harvard Graduate School of Education, Boston, MA. Graduation Speech.
web addresses and dates of access?
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“How To Tame A Wild Tongue.” Borderlands / La Frontera: the New Mestiza, by Anzaldúa, Gloria.
not quite in MLA format. Begin with author's last name, include date of publication, web address, and date of access
-
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nsimas15.edublogs.org nsimas15.edublogs.org
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the audience relies on the genre because certain kinds of genre draw in different people.
This is an important point and may be part of your Theory of Writing.
-
you must
why the shift to "you"?
-