8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Dec 2018
    1. Rationale 

      use multiple paragraphs?

    2. Reflection 

      break into paragraphs, for your readers sake?

    3. For my three writing pieces I decided to use important information that would best benefit my audience of students and parents who are interested in college but not as interested in the high cost of college therefore with that in mind I had to decipher through numerous amounts of information to find the information which best suited my writing purpose and best helped my readers in Possibly lowering the cost of college and what options they have in doing that.

      please edit for punctuation; you have what is called a fused sentence--more than one sentence without a period or another mark placed between

    4. WWW.CORNERSTONE.EDU/BLOGS/LIFELONG-LEARNING-MATTERS/POST/WHY-IS-COLLEGE-TUITION-RISING-SO-MUCH-AND-WHAT-CAN-YOU-DO.    

      not sure why this is here

    5. My final genre

      please identify the genre and your reason for choosing that particular genre for your specific audience

    6. decided to use a brochure

      okay: good. But can you write further as to why you chose this genre for that audience?

    7. Have you ever Had a dream that you weren’t able to accomplish due to not having the correct finances to support your dreams and push you closer to the finish line

      edit for mechanics: capitals and punctuation (need a question at the end, right?)

      why the use of "you"? to whom are you writing? Me, right? perhaps you can stay in first (I) or third person (it)?

    8. Genre 3-Brochure

      can't access

    9. Genre 2-Public Service Message

      I can't access

    1. I mess around on Logic Pro (like garage band but better) and make unique songs and rhythms before, it helps when I have been around music for so long in my life.

      good: I like this detail here

    2. . Once with that done, starting major assignment #3 with infographic, gave me not only creative freedom but some creative ideas to use to think of different genres to use as the other parts of the assignment

      can you provide more details as to how you composed the infographic?

    3. how did you put together the composition?

      useful but to be deleted in final draft?

    4. why these genres? What audience? What purpose?

      I assume you will delete these in your final draft, right?

    5. While doing this project/assignment, I learned a lot more about my passion even more than I knew before. What music does to us, and how it can aid us. It is fascinating. Not only that, but I learned more about genre than before. What different types of genres there are, there are so many, the infographic, music, letter forms, podcasts etc.  I learned a lot about audience through writing a letter, directly focused on a specific audience and what to say to them. I even learned that certain types of music genres will attract certain feelings people are feeling and will attract those people feeling that way.

      I really like this postwrite, especially here--very informative and giving evidence of your own interest and engagement with the assignment.

    6. Hodges, Donald A., and Robin W. Wilkins. “How and Why Does Music Move Us?: Answers from Psychology and Neuroscience.” Music Educators Journal, vol. 101, no. 4, June 2015, pp. 41–47. EBSCOhost,Bristolcc.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=eric&AN=EJ1065049&site=ehost-live.

      pretty good form--include date of access?

    7. With making your own music,

      I'm a little unclear as to your audience: musicians or people who just listen to music? I realize that musicians listen to other people's music but non-musicians listen only, right?

    8. Music is everywhere, think about it, the world would be silent without some kind of music.

      edit for comma faults?

    9. How did that music make you feel? Did you initially like it, do you like it? If not explain why. Would it be something you would listen to with certain lyrics? How did it affect your emotions before and after?

      These are useful questions: perhaps you can develop this commentary further to help your reader? Maybe you will do that in your rationale?<br> Am I right that the composition lasts only two minutes of the four here?

    10. Infographic: https://www.canva.com/design/DADIUEleS_c/SCnFd6KYbwa-FcUH3xAVlQ/view?website#2

      can you crate a hyper link?

    1. with its own attendant set of risks and adverse effects,

      not your words and not cited--I've stopped reading your draft here because I will not be able to trust that you've acknowledge the difference between your own thinking and someone else's. Here's the unacknowledge and plagiarized source: https://boingboing.net/2014/12/23/cancer-and-cannabis-how-i-lea.html

    2. eing a cancer patient means drugs.

      not sure what this means

    3. The main psychoactive part of cannabis is tetrahydrocannabinol, one of 483 known compounds in the plant, including at least 65 other cannabinoids

      I know that this is a personal letter and thus citing your sources would be odd but could you name the source and list the source(s) at the end of your composition?

    1. Middlebrook, Hailey. “New Screen Time Rules for Kids, by Doctors.” CNN, Cable News Network, 21 Oct. 2016,

      pretty good form. Please italicize only the title of journal. And include URL per MLA?

    2. BabyCenter Staff. “Is Screen Time Bad for Babies and Toddlers?” BabyCenter, 9 Oct. 2018,

      place in alphabetical order?<br> No authors' names?

    3. I figured this was a fun way to get my point across.

      move to rationale section?

    4. are a few very important theorist

      theorists

    5. I started by drawing out what I wanted my infographic to look like in the best case scenario and listed out tons of facts and photos that I could put into it. It looked great to me

      I like the description of process in this paragraph.

    6. I believe this project has helped me learn, it will inform my classmates

      good but can you state why you chose these genres to achieve the results that you intend?

    7. I am interested in giving my parents credible information on

      good: I see the audience that you intend to reach

    8. I wondered what they were looking at and I wondered what their moods and social skills would be like if they were playing a game of dodge ball in the middle of the empty gym beside them instead

      good question

    9. I am majoring in early childhood education, I am enrolled in my first introduction class

      edit for comma fault, here and elsewhere?

    1. Wilkin, Jeff. “Town Clerk in Montgomery County Denies Marriage License to Same-Sex Couple.” The Daily Gazette, 31 July 2018, dailygazette.com/article/2018/07/31/root-town-clerk-denies-marriage-license-to-two-men.

      please alphabetize and include dates of access

    2. My reasoning for picking the genres is because I think they would fit well with my topic and help me get my message across.

      please explain your thinking. This should be the main focus of this rationale section, together with a precise description of your audience

    1. Guy Fiona, Teenage Brain Development and Criminal Behavior,  July 07, 2018,  November 03, 2018, Crime Traveler, https://www.crimetraveller.org/2015/06/teenage-brain-development/ Michon Kathleen, When Juveniles Are Tried in Adult Criminal Court, April 11, 2016, November 03, 2018, www.nolo.com. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/juveniles-youth-adult-criminal-court-32226.html Ritter Malcom, Experts link teen brains’ immaturity, juvenile crime,  November 03, 2018.  ABC News, https://abcnews.go.com/Technology/story?id=394&page=13187

      I don't see the required five sources

    2. any readers attention

      reader's

    3. I am trying to reach.

      insert question mark?

    4. My audience were police, citizens, teens, and anyone who has concerns about this topic

      please discuss in rationale section

    5. The comic strip was defiantly more difficult then I expected.

      discuss in reflection section?

    6. defiantly

      definitely?

    7. to an audience.

      please identify your audience?

    8. Inforgraphic

      typo

    1. Sarris, Jerome, and Adrienne O’Neil. “Lifestyle Medicine for the Prevention and Treatment of Depression.” Lifestyle Medicine, 2016, pp. 281–289., doi:10.1007/978-3-319-24687-1_25.

      good form--name database, too?

    2. Accessed 11/29/18

      I believe this goes after the URL

    3. “Depression among Adults by Age U.S. 2013-2016 | Statistic.” Statista, Date Accessed 11/29/18 www.statista.com/statistics/814849/depression-among-adults-us-by-age/.

      date of access?

    4. Work Cited

      please note that you do not cite these sources, I believe

    5. I chose to take a photo of some of the medications I have tried and some that I am currently on for depression and anxiety.

      good. Can you say more bout the process of composing it?

    6. composing the infographic

      can you describe in detail how you went about composing it? what was it like using the digital tool? what choices did you make as to design and so forth?

    7. ultimately decided on a PSA

      in your rationale be sure to explain why

    8. My Rationale

      remember to give reasons why you chose these genres

    9. my audience

      can you define who that audience is?

    10. As long as we can still keep a little hope in our hearts, we can get through any storm, get over any obstacle and get past any issue that comes our way.

      Thanks so much for this poignant and expressive memoir, Annalise. The writing is clear, controlled, and focused.

    11. what I didn’t understand then was that him filling my head with dreams was him being hopeful for the future.

      not sure of the meaning here or how you came to this conclusion

    12. had always rose

      had always risen

    13. It was my first day, and I already felt the difference in me

      This anecdote is very helpful in making clear a symptom of depression.

    14. Some of which I felt when it first came about, and some new ones now.

      fragment

    15. it’s many

      its many

    16. my girls and I

      my girls and me

    17. has only

      have only

    18. I must lay

      lie in it

    19. he wanted too

      he wanted to

    20. ut sometimes, it is counteractive.

      counterproductive?

    21. She had never seen her parents together. She was raised by her grandmother in Brava, Cape Verde. She was exposed

      note the repetitive phrasing here/sentence structure: is this intentional?

    22. could you

      note the shift in perspective from "he" to "you"?

    23. therefor

      spelling

    24. l creature that stalks you like a thief in the night, waiting to rob you of your happiness, courage, and most of all, your true self. You may not always feel the intensity of its full grip, but you know it is lurking around the corner

      I appreciate the effort to use figurative language in order to convey the experience

    25. You will never

      Any particular reason why you are using the second person--"you"? It seems abrupt to me, especially given the genre of the memoir--why single out the reader?

  2. Nov 2018
    1. When you

      why the shift to "you"?

    2. John Souza

      good: last name sufficient when citing

    3. What I think we are missing is the government programs for criminals the second they are released from prison.

      try to not veer away from your purpose, which is to explore and inquire

    4. Studies have shown that prisoners who maintain consistent contact and connection with their families during their sentences have a lower recidivism rate than those who do not.”

      shouldn't this go in the earlier paragraph on the importance of family support?

    5. governments shoulders,

      government's

    6. A 2002 study of more than 200 employers in the Milwaukee area found that formerly incarcerated candidates with nearly identical professional experience as non-offenders were less than half as likely to receive job offers.(Simmons school of social work)

      stunning results cite author's last name

    7. An article from Simmons school of social work states that ” recidivism harms both the families of inmates and society in general, as taxpayers continue to support a broken system that sets ex-offenders up to fail once they are released.”

      add your own topic sentence?cite author's last name

    8. Housing developments are rejecting them because they are criminals. This causes a reoccurring cycle in which criminals are returning to jail. Should landlords be able to reject somebody because they are an ex-con? I see both sides in this question. The landlord is obviously going to be skeptical about somebody who has been in jail over somebody who has no criminal record. Some answers truly have no right answers, and that is one that can never be solved.

      you seem to be losing your focus/thread at this point, I think

    9. you understand that homeless people actually re-offend on purpose just to have a bed to sleep in, or just simply to be inside

      a really important point but one requiring additional evidence?

    10. they

      name of author?

    11. A quote from an article from Buzzfeed,

      name publication in Works Cited list

    12. With prisons in crisis and probation services unable to cope with demand, prisoners are routinely leaving jail with nowhere to live and no prospect of employment.

      please cite author's last name at the end of the sentence

    13. with no suppor

      without support

    14. education, family,

      is there a third item in this list?

    15. Marshal Project

      Keller? cite author's last name

    16. criminals mind

      criminal's

    17. “why would they go back if they know how bad it is?” this is a question that civilian people

      edit for fused sentence (two sentences joined without a period between)

    18. Him being a former chief of police

      Since he is a former chief of police,

    19. Why do ex-cons return to jail?

      an important question

    20. “Recidivism.” National Institute of Justice, www.nij.gov/topics/corrections/recidivism/Pages/welcome.aspx. Interview with John Souza, CRJ 101 teacher

      not quite in MLA format I don't see a Postwrite

    21. Works Cited:

      useful list of sources. Not quite in MLA format, however. Note you are missing three peer reviewed sources

    1. In idea

      In theory?

    2. They often “range from 40 to 700 square feet and cost $230 to $550 per square foot plus delivery” (Holbrook)

      want to upload a photo with citation?

    3. Not only does a minimalistic lifestyle cause less stress to an individual, it places less stress on the environment.

      good transition

    4. at times, however, he states feeling,

      edit for comma fault (comma splice)

    5. According to Braulio Ortega, a minimalist and millennial here in Fall River, minimalism has made a drastic improvement on his life

      nice transition to your interview

    6. Millennials tend to strive for traveling and living their best lives, v

      not sure of the focus of this paragraph: is it on millennial or the "central idea" of minimalism?

    7. This is like

      rephrase topic sentence/transition? Can you rephrase to sound more confident and precise?

    8. Thoreau found what he was searching for, similar to what minimalists are attempting to do today. 

      This paragraph is nicely done, from start to finish: good focus and fluency

    9. Walden,

      italicize title?

    10. (“Trans.”)

      write out word?

    11. Today, minimalism is “living with only the essentials and buying much, much less”

      thanks for the useful definition

    12. In fact, minimalistic living has been shown to have many effects; including psychologically, environmentally, and financially.  

      good: I see how you will be organizing your draft

    13. “How Much is Enough?

      no author?

    14. Works Cited 

      good MLA form generally And you have a good, variety of credible sources

    15. to synthesize my sources more than analyze them

      interesting: can you elaborate?

    16. I was asking questions for my own personal benefit, rather than an essay. 

      good

    1. As a result of my research there is no definitive answer

      In confusion, my research suggests that. But it seems that your research suggests the opposite: that engineers do solve problems in particular ways

    2. Which means not only identifying the problem but learning every detail about the problem

      edit fragment

    3. manor

      manner

    4. I agree with Ting’s statement,

      stay true to your purpose, okay? No need to take a stand, right?

    5. “Asking questions now leads to fewer assumptions later. Fewer assumptions later, lead to better results. Better results lead to fewer reoccurring issues later. Fewer reoccurring issues later lead to peace of mind.”

      see earlier comments about introducing and citing quotations

    6. Engineers approach this quote much differently

      can you say more about this?

    7. The forth main idea stated in PWT’ article is becoming a “Reverse Engineer”. T

      start new paragraph?

    8. if you

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. Calculate the risk” is the third key aspect that is important to problem solving. “The greater the risk, the greater the reward”.

      cite source? use signal phrase?

    10. new perspective to the problem

      please give an example

    11. PWT

      what does this stand for?

    12. In that same article the second tactic

      again, try to put less emphasis on the article and more on the idea, citing the source's author?

    13. “keep things simple”.

      can you give an example?

    14. When troubleshooting, always think what’s the best way to solve this problem. Then, once you understand the best way to solve it, think about the simplest way to make that happen.”.

      introduce quotation, using signal phrase and cite source?

    15. In an article from Power Wright Technologies there are five main ideas explained that are crucial in how engineers think

      good but instead of starting with the journal title (which should be in your list of Works Cited why not foreground your topic sentence? Please reference/cite author's last name

    16. engineers have to approach a problem in many different ways to ensure the solution they found is the most effective.

      okay--good--this seems to be your Big Idea

    17. [What Engineers Do]

      put in list of Works Cited?

    18. “It takes creativity to get successfully from problem to solution, all while navigating a tangle of constraints.”

      please cite source when quoting--giving author's last name

    19. Works Cited

      usefull sources but please use MLA format (listing sources by author's last names) And you will need to include three peer reviewed sources Don't forget to list your interview as well.

    20. who my intended audience

      who might that be? explain?

    21. Also the fact that we had to use peer reviewed sources and conduct and interview which was very new for me.

      good to know

    1. unbalanced this is when mental illness come’s into motion.

      edit for fused sentence

    2. addition to fully understanding emotions and how mental illness can affect an individual, I asked a friend who deals with them daily

      transition note quite working

    3. bout her struggle’s.

      struggles

    4. On the media outlet, TED J

      rrephrase signal phrase? In his TED Talk, Jaak. . . .

    5. Given theses points

      typo

    6. Another change that can accrue is someone to have more trouble with their emotions such as being more likely to be stressed this can create problems not just mentally to the brain but also physically to the body itself. (WebMD)

      hard to follow and note fused sentence

    7. Mayo Clinic

      not MLA format

    8. physical transformation’s

      edit for punctuation

    9. ust like any type of emotion’s psychological pain can be caused by multiple different factors besides neuroscience and our primal emotions.

      edit for fragment

    10. to much psychological pain within mainly the panic system of the brain (TEDxSeattle).

      again, having trouble following you: rephrase

    11. grouped into seven basic emotions ( fear, rage, seeking, lust, care, panic and play) this concept is called Primal Emotions.

      insert comma between complete thoughts (fused sentences)

    12. similar emotions Pansksepp

      insett period

    13. analyzes

      note shift in tense

    14. required neuroscience along with discovering are ability

      rephrase for clarity, typo

    15. Pansksepp research

      insert apostrophe: 's

    16. could benefit for the better of people lives j

      rephrase?

    17. motions, mood and as well with personali

      not sure I see the difference: rephrase?

    18. under the reason f

      typo?

    19. had created

      tense?

    20. psychological

      psychologist?

    21. Approximately 7% of people in the U.S. that being 16 million, experiences a serious mental illness in a given year that substantially interferes with along with limited major life activities (Nami)

      a useful piece of data but you should begin the paragraph with your own topic sentence, no?

    22. causes them to have negative opinions about themselves along with them struggling to be motivated in making choices as well with taking action in life activities.

      to be honest, I'm having trouble following your meaning here

    23. emotions which

      emotions, which

    24. making detention

      typo?

    25. Emotions are defined

      cite source?

    26. we allowed

      why the past tense?

    27. Work Cited

      helpful and in pretty good form but fI don't think I see three peer reviewed articles obtained via a database And I don't see a personal interview cited

    1. “Across the 4 waves of data collection, 6.2% to 7.7% of females and 8.0% to 9.4% of males reported obtaining 9 or more hours of sleep. For all females across the 4 waves, we found a consistent pattern in which the percentage who reported obtaining 9 or more hours of sleep decreased as grade level increased (Table 1). This pattern was generally consistent when the data were disaggregated for white females, Hispanic females, and black females (Table 1). We found the same general pattern for males (Table 2). Without exception, compared with 9th graders, a significantly lower percentage of 11th and 12th graders reported obtaining 9 or more hours of sleep and, except in 2009 and 2013, a significantly higher percentage of 11th and 12th graders reported obtaining 5 or fewer hours of sleep.” (/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)

      see my earlier comments about long quotaitons

    2. We

      why the shift to "we"?

    3. “Researchers at Seoul National University College of Medicine found that compared to individuals who slept six to seven hours per day, men who slept fewer than six hours were more likely to have metabolic syndrome and higher waist circumference. Women who slept fewer than six hours were more likely to have higher waist circumference. Sleeping more than ten hours per day was associated with metabolic syndrome and increased levels of triglycerides in men, and with metabolic syndrome, higher waist circumference, higher levels of triglycerides and blood sugar, as well as low levels of ‘good’ cholesterol (HDL-C) in women. The authors found that nearly 11% of men and 13% of women slept less than six hours, while 1.5% of men and 1.7% of women slept more than ten hours.”

      see my earlier comment about long quotations: please break down and comment and cite sources

    4. effects on your health and also can affect the way you look such as weight and height

      are these ideas exclusive?

    5. “I never knew what was going on, I would always wake up in the middle of the night and not know why. I would always feel so tired in the morning no matter how early I went to sleep, I never knew what was wrong or what I was doing to cause this constant feeling of being tired.” says my father

      can you introduce this quotation rather than simply refer to your father at the end?

    6. he top 4 most common sleep disorders are Insomnia which is known for having poor sleep quality due to difficulty going to sleep, waking up often or waking up in the morning earlier than desired. Restless leg syndrome is a neurological disorder which is an overwhelming need to move your legs or sometimes another part of the body while resting. Narcolepsy is a neurological disorder characterized by the brain’s inability to control its sleep and Sleep Apnea is when a person’s breathing stops for several seconds during the night due to blockage in the upper respiratory system.

      cite source

    7. your sleep

      why the shift to "your"?

    8. journals.plos.org

      not MLA form

    9. Here are some facts and results of sleep deprivation “Lack of sleep is a common condition in everyday life, either related to psychosocial demands or related to working shift hours. In healthy individuals, this may induce decreased alertness and vigilance, together with a general decline in mood. Total sleep deprivation (TSD) has been associated with general psychomotor slowing and diminished cognitive performance [1,2]. In affective disorders, only one night of sleep deprivation may improve mood in 40–60% of subjects with the major depressive disorder [3], whereas bipolar patients may even turn into (hypo)mania [4]. Thus, in humans, sleep deprivation is clearly related to altered emotional and effective functioning.”

      why quote this long passage? Please break up and insert your own ideas or commentary so that. you do not lose control of the draft.

    10. go crazy

      literally? cite source?

    11. During the day brain

      During the day,

    12. It is important to let our brains recover from something major or even minor that might have happened that day, it prepares us to take on some new challenges the next day.

      edit for comma fault

    13. “Scientists simply don’t know for sure. In broad terms, researchers believe it is to enable our bodies and especially our brains to recover” (bbc.com)

      I think you need a topic sentence here at then introduce the quotation. Remember to cite the author's last name only

    14. Why we do it, what happens when we don’t get enough of it and different sleep disorders.

      rephrase as three questions? Why do we do it? What happens when don't get it? What sleep disorders are possible when we don't get enough sleep?

    15. Works Cited

      Thanks. I may be seeing three peer reviewed sources. I'd feel confident in these sources if you uhad sed a database, of course. Cite personal interview?

    1. REM sleep accounts for 20%-25% of the sleep cycle.

      This is too close to the original source material, yet you don't cite or quote the source. I am stopping my reading at this point, given plagiarism.

    2. watched a Ted Talk on what would happen if we didn’t sleep and it describes a case of a teenager who went eleven days without sleep and how it affected him. It also clarifies that adults need 7-8 hours of sleep while adolescents need 10 hours of sleep. Data shows that 30% of adults are sleep deprived and 60% of adolescents are sleep deprived. When we lose sleep learning, memory, mood and reaction time are affected. While scientists continue to explore why we sleep it is shown that it is a necessity if you want to maintain your health and sanity

      cite source revise topic sentence?

    3. Works Cited   Graham, Lawton, Why Do We Sleep, New Scientist 9/4/2004 Vol 183.  Imeri, Luca, and Mark R. Opp. “How (and Why) the Immune System Makes Us Sleep.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, vol. 10, no. 3, Nov. 2009, pp. 199–210., doi:10.1038/nrn2576.   Sharma, Sunil, and Mani Kavuru. “Sleep and Metabolism: An Overview.” International Journal of Endocrinology 2010 (2010): 270832. PMC. Web. 15 Oct. 2018.  Sherii, Alex. “What Is Sleep Deprivation- Causes, Symptoms And Treatment.” BuzzFeed Community, BuzzFeed, 9 June 2018, www.buzzfeed.com/jerinmerina007/what-is-sleep-deprivation-causes-symptoms-and-tr-32dqh.   Aguirre, Claudia. “What Would Happen If You Didn’t Sleep?” TED: Ideas Worth Spreading, www.ted.com/talks/claudia_aguirre_what_would_happen_if_you_didn_t_sleep.  

      please make sure actually to cite these sources in your draft not quite MLA format. Please include dates of access and publication.<br> not sure I'm seeing three peer reviewed articles here, not do I see an interview

    4. he percentage of adults who sleep less than 6 hours a night has increased

      cite source

    5. for physical and mental health, however sleep loss can

      edit for comma fault

    6. cortisol levels, metabolism, sleep disorders and specific jobs that effect amount of sleep.  

      cite source?

    7. ngoing sleep deficiency can lead to an increased risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and stroke

      cite source?

    8. your

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. it was something that I found interesting to read about. 

      good to hear

    1. My goal now in life is to continue to raise awareness and educate people on the dangers of not only toxic mold but also other environmental dangers. Never take your health for granted because one day it can be taken from you.

      note that you veer away from your purpose here

    2. My whole life changed when I rented a beautiful raised ranch home, never knowing the dangers lurking in the hidden parts of it. Within four months of living here, my family, pets and myself were becoming very ill. We were getting sicker and sicker by the day, until I could no longer function

      nire that you've aluded to this experience earlier

    3. “It is estimate that 15 to 30 million people around the world have this disease. In the US where I’m from, it’s about one million people that makes it roughly twice as common as multiple schlerosis. Patients can live for decades with the physical functions of someone with congestive heart failure. 25 percent of us are homebound or bed-ridden, and 75-85 percent can’t even work part-time. Yet, doctors do not treat us and science does not study us. How could a disease this common and this devastating have been forgotten by medicine?

      important data but why quote at length? Can you break this up, be selective in your quotations and add cometary?

    4. Traveling, working and spending time with loved ones.

      fragment

    5. Ted talk, What happens when you have a disease doctors can’t diagnose

      put in Works Cited?

    6. This was a particular red flag for me because I used to be a healthy, active, nothing can stop me type of girl. That all changed after I rented a home with hidden toxic black mold in the attic that was producing mycotoxins to come through the ventilation system and poison me and my family. After only living there for four months, the rest of my family got better. I wasn’t as lucky. T

      note the lack of focus in this paragraph

    7. I asked her what autoimmune disease(s) she was diagnosed with

      do you need to give Q and A in this paragraph?

    8. I interviewed a forty-three year old woman who has Lupus. Melane Maki-Rankin is a Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN) from Minnesota.

      Please substitute with a more informative/meaningful topic sentence?

    9. Auto Immunity, once believed to be a sole product of a genetic deficiency, has recently become a popular topic in the medical community

      After having read this paragraph, I have difficulty seeing the Biig Idea. Can you rephrase topic sentence to lend this paragraph a sharper message/focus?

    10. “Susceptibility to autoimmune diseases is dependent on multigenic inheritance, environmental factors, and stochastic events. Although there has been substantial progress in identifying predisposing genetic variants, a significant challenge facing autoimmune disease research is the identification of the specific events that trigger loss of tolerance, autoreactivity and ultimately autoimmune disease. Accordingly, studies have indicated that a wide range of extrinsic factors including drugs, chemicals, microbes, and other environmental factors can induce autoimmunity, particularly systemic autoimmune diseases such as lupus”.

      why quote to such a length? Please consider breaking this up and commenting at relevant points in your own words

    11. pollard

      Pollard

    12. s the primary cause when in fact only 30 percent of all cases are related to genetics.

      cite source?

    13. Environmental Triggers and Auto Immunity

      put in Work Cited list instead?

    14. ncbi.gov)

      author's last name is sufficient (you've already used his name in the sentence, by the way

    15. believe that people have a certain genetic makeup that make them predisposed to becoming auto immune but only becoming auto immune when certain triggers awaken the beast.

      This opening paragraph is quite informative, although it seems less clear to me as how it will anticipate your exploration (what topics you will cover).

    16. . “The increment in cases with different autoimmune disorders is alarming and demands urgent attention from the existing research community and medical personnel. The situation is urging the researchers and medical practitioners to come out with a better treatment regime and find remedy.” (IMEDPub.com)

      please introduce quotation with signal phrase?

    17. that you’d

      why the shift to 'you"?

    18. armys

      armies

    19. Pollard, Michael K Journal of Autoimmunity,  August 2018 https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2468202017301213 Rattue, Grace Medical News Today, Autoimmune disease rates increasing, Published Friday 22 June 2012  Dr. Frederick Miller https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/246960.php   Vojdani, Aristo Environmental triggers and autoimmunity, 2014 Dec 24. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4290643/#__ffn_sectitle

      seem to be peer reviewed sources but will need more information per MLA: for example, the title of the article, name of databased used

    20. http://autoimmunediseases.imedpub.com/

      not in MLA format

    21. what choices did you make? Please explain.

      Please answer this question in detail.

    22. my own personal experience

      Can you be more precise as to your writing experience that was relevant?

    23. swers to my questions.

      good to know

    1. Buzzfeed states there are eleven ways for you to be “stress free”.

      transition? This sentence and paragraph seem to steer you away from your purpose, no?