- Nov 2018
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articua.edublogs.org articua.edublogs.org
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stray away
typo?
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rebellious counterpart and create a even more profound division between children.
not sure I follow your logic
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Anderson & Dill, 2000; Anderson & Ford, 1986)
not MLA
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whats
what's
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cant
can't
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While I do agree with what she says at the end that its never in their best interests, I disagree
notice how this source and your response seem to have diverted you from your purpose: to explore answers to the question (guided by lots of sources)
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She
Vessey
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than you
why the shift to "you"?
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I detest this
too strong a tone/word?
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concern for children.”
I see a close quote but not an opening quotation mark
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They
who?
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directioon
typo
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Stable vs Unstable
fragment
-
this
can you use a noun/phrase rather than just the pronoun in your topic sentence?
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To begin
please skip a line between paragraphs?
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arent.
aren't
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We were asked to do a research-based essay on a question on our choice, it was up to us to find the necessary data to back up our claims and create an argument.
I can see why you would start this way--to get you going in this draft. I suspect that in your next draft you will likely start with a focus on your big question
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Does Violent Video Games
edit for subject/verb agreement; Do violent video games
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Sources:
I see that you've used databases: good But you will need to add to your list, right--including an interview. You're close to MLA form but not quite. You may be able to use a DOI (in identifying number for digital docs) instead of the long URL. Don't forget dates of access
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This assignment involved using databases which I have never used before.
good to know
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kayladeja.edublogs.org kayladeja.edublogs.org
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KS 2013)
not MLA form
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applied knowledge is more effective
are you staying true to your purpose?
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justifying that second-hand knowledge cannot always be accountable, in addition to how easily influenced society can become due to the passing of information inherited from our organized systematical “norms”.
important points but could be stated more clearly, I believe
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(Second-hand Knowledge: An Inquiry into Cognitive Authority ’83).
put in Works Cited list, rather than here?
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essential building blocks
block?
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confliction
right word?
-
is not
are not? plural subject, note
-
world-widely.
pretty sure this is not a word/adverb
-
adding and subtracting is
are?
-
example of this tradition of knowledge,
remove comma
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Epistemologically speaking, second-hand knowledge is a mediated, unempirical type of knowledge, gained without direct insight into the subject (Ana Vujanovic)
is this a quotation? if so please use proper punctuation. Cite author's last name only here
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Many can relate because the news, our systematic educational procedures, past historical events and even our cultural advances have all been instilled in us from a secondary source.
yes: good point
-
Regarding to second-hand knowledge
Can you work on this transition? It seems abrupt and awkward to me
-
your own
why the shift to "your"?
-
So, therefore
Therefore,
-
loosing
spelling
-
This is something,
remove comma
-
first-handedly
not sure there is such an adverb
-
The same concept is pertaining to problem solving and circumstantial logistic
not sure I understand: clarify?
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The reason for that being, personal experience and direct knowledge of our American history would be absorbed directly by the individual.
agreed--but note fragment here
-
thru
spelling
-
Why is it that as a child, we deliberately touch the hot stove that our parents repeatedly warned us not to do?
an effective, engaging opening
-
personal intake
typo?
-
Works Cited
The sources seem interesting but you will need to follow MLA format. I'd be glad to help.
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This assignment wasn’t similar to any of the previous papers I have written. During this assignment I had to manifest my own research question and give feedback on the results I found. Usually, the teacher has most of the control but in this situation, I had to be the one to control the demeanor of essay. A few other things that was new to me involving this writing was the usage of peer-reviewed sources, as well as checking the quality and accuracy of the listed sources. This includes checking the date of access and publish, the authors credibility and relying on sources that are structured for researchers/students. In contrast, as a student in my previous years of education, I was taught that the information given to you is in fact correct and isn’t to be questioned. A challenge for me during this assignment, was to obtain current information on the subjects of first-hand and second-hand knowledge, and also to find statistic research contrasting between the two.
This part is especially thoughtful and interesting, Kayla.
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cjxm1121.edublogs.org cjxm1121.edublogs.org
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“No definite liaison has been reported between genius-like abilities and psychic health or illness, and no direct evidence supports the tautological assumption that the genesis of highest genius-like abilities depends on psychic differences, mental abnormalities or specific creativity.”
a complex statement--please comment afterward?
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liaison
your word? if not, quote
-
Plus goes one step further by stating that there is no direct evidence supporting the genesis of genius like abilities depending on any cognitive deficiencies
work on transition and edit for fragment
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Creativity and psychiatric illness: A functional perspective beyond chaos”
belongs in Works Cited list
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My final analysis
source? I'd work on tweaking this topic sentence
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concepts stating
insert comma between the words
-
his “Latent variable models estimated effect sizes and their confidence intervals. Overall, measures of anxiety, depression, and social anxiety predicted little variance in creativity.”
integrate quotation more smoothly and logically into your own sentence?
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they
use noun?
-
after having read
needs the subject I do appreciate again the effort at transition
-
Some form of positive association between creativity and mental disorder exists, and that creative people have more psychopathology, especially affective disorders, than is found in the general population”.
cite source
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Even if there isn’t a strong relationship overall between genius and madness varying circumstances for example what type of disorder/illness one may have shows increased levels of creativity
edit for punctuation--fused sentence
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ad arrived
edit for tense; arrives at the conclusion that
-
had arose,
has arisen?
-
Academic Journal “Links between creativity and mental disorders” by Erika Lauronen, Juha Veijola, Irene Isohanni, Peter B. Jones, Pentti Nieminen, and Matti Isohanni,
put in Works Cited list rather than here? just cite their last names and reference study?
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Thirdly
not sure this transition works (don't remember a first or second point
-
and that researchers suggest that mental illness is not sufficient or necessary for creativity.
good point
-
“Simon Kyoga conducted a 40 year study of over 1.2 million people that found that people in artistic and scientific occupations were not more likely to suffer from any psychiatric disorders.” T
not sure I understand the relevance
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Nevertheless
not sure that this transition is working: are you suggesting a contrast or qualification to the point just stated? It seems as if you are providing confirmation?
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This visual hallucination caused by his anxiety disorder played a big role in helping him to create his most famous piece of art (the scream)
interesting: want to include a visual representation (cited) of the work? Want to make this post more visual? You can do that with a blog. Capitalize and put quotation around titles of works, okay?
-
says
what is the subject of this verb?
-
Aside from an artist who is suffering from a disorder himself,
I appreciate the attempt to create a transition here
-
their minds
not sure who "their" refers to
-
because it helps to deal with his O.C.D since he wishes to make things in the way he sees them which is caused by his bipolar disorder.
edit this sentence?
-
hyperrealism
explain?
-
O.C.D
please write out
-
Anxiety, Depres
why capitalize?
-
I Interviewed an artist
I wonder if you might begin with a topic sentence that draws an important point from the interview rather than begin with declaring the fact of the interview itself: see the difference?
-
More s
I am also asking this because. . . .
-
in common, the
in common:
-
Each of these men, who were masters of their respective crafts having experienced lots of success for their creative work and masterpieces.
seems like fragment--please edit
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Starry Night
not sure why you name these work: are they suggestive of mental illness? please elaborate okay?
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Works Cited:
Please put interview source in MLA format and provide three peer reviewed sources
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Even if it is not a strong direct link there is one present and cannot be ignored.
I don't see a postwrite
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breannaze1.edublogs.org breannaze1.edublogs.org
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Works Cited: Websites: Michon Kathleen, When Juveniles Are Tried in Adult Criminal Court, published April 11, 2016, accessed November 03, 2018, www.nolo.com. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/juveniles-youth-adult-criminal-court-32226.html Guy Fiona, Teenage Brain Development and Criminal Behavior, published July 07, 2018, accessed November 03, 2018, Crime Traveller, https://www.crimetraveller.org/2015/06/teenage-brain-development/
no need to classify source in MLA separate last name from first name with comma. Use quotation marks around titles Provide three peer reviewed sources and interview
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ut in numeral states someone as young as 13 could be charged as an adult with certain types of crimes such as homicide.
cite source
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Our brain matured from back to front this leaves us with our frontal lobes to fully mature last.
quite an abrupt shift of perspective and note need to edit for fused sentence (you combine sentences without a period between).
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Although as stated before mixing the vulnerable and easily mis guided teens in with callous criminals isn’t going to help them rehabilitate a positive fallout for juveniles.
edit for fragment
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Such as “the case of James Bulgar, a 2-year-old was abducted and murdered by two 10-year-old boys in Liverpool in 1993.
close quotation and note fragment Also cite source
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charged as an adult, this
edit for comma fault
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makes
please supply a subject for this verb
-
can affect
please supply a subject for this verb
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adults matured
adult's
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So,
I wouldn't begin a paragraph with this thin a transition, right?
-
you learn
why the shift to "you"?
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It is stated that rehabilitation works better for teens then adults
who states this? Please identify source
-
“brain
Capitalize beginning of quotations?
-
Although commonly and adolescent usually doesn’t
rephrase: what is the subject of "doesn't"?
-
“it is most likely to start around that age of 16 and those who haven’t committed a violent crime by the age of 19 rarely start doing it later.
close quotation with proper punctuation
-
It is known that ages 16 and 17
It is known that adolescents who are
-
Dr. David Fassler states “It doesn’t mean adolescents can’t make a rational decision or appreciate the difference between right and wrong,” he said
Do you need "he says"?
-
this
since the sentence comes at the beginning ofd a paragraph can you provide a noun with this adjective?
-
teens, even ones who have committed severe crimes should
edit for missing comma
-
Currently in age adolescent are
edit for subject/verb agreement and phrasing
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In 2005 the U.S Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty for crimes committed under the age of 18.
cite source
-
Actus Reus and Men’s Reus.
check spelling and cite source?
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annelisep18.edublogs.org annelisep18.edublogs.org
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TEDxTalks. “Depression Is a Disease of Civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory.” YouTube, YouTube, 23 May 2013, www.youtube.com/watch?v=drv3BP0Fdi8. What Is Depression?, www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/wh at-is-depression.
not in MLA form I don't see an interview
-
lot of affect
effect
-
I have a few of my own theories for what might help with depression
see my earlier comment about your purpose
-
Keep in mind the Law of Attraction when ruminating on bad thoughts; if you
why the shift to "you"?
-
Ilardi has a theory, mentioned both in his book and the Ted Talk, called “Lifestyle Medicine” which he has found effective for curing depression in the modern day along with the traditional treatments
try to be true to your purpose, which is not to argue for change of lifestyle but exploring answers to your question, right?
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“We were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, fast-food-laden, sleep-deprived, frenzied pace of modern life.” (Ilardi)
Here, too
-
“99.9% of the human and pre-human experience was lived in the hunter-gatherer context so most of the selection pressures that have sculpted and shaped our genomes are Pleistocene.” (Ilardi)
okay: I like the change but can you insert a signal phrase before the quotation as well?
-
Both us and the Keluli
Both we and
-
He speaks
Ilardi speaks--probably shouldn't begin a paragraph with the pronoun, right?
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So now back to the main question.
I appreciate the transition but it is abrupt, no?
-
The symptoms of depression are usually the same in individuals who suffer from it
should this go earlier--with your definition?
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You might not
incomplete sentence? something left out?
-
According to Hatfield
good use of signal phrase (and citation)
-
as you go
why the shift to "you"?
-
I feel like I am pulling a heavy load up a rocky mountain side, unable to see the summit as I look up in anticipation. As I am climbing, rocks and debris land on my load making it heavier and heavier; slowing me down more and more, making my load harder to bare. But despite my weariness, I will not give up until I have reached the peak and overcome the biggest obstacle in my life.
As noted in class: very nice use of extended metaphor and visual imagery
-
Him and I
He and I
-
causes which
causes, which
-
estimated 15 to 20 percent
is there a page reference here, too?
-
He says
use last name of author to begin sentence?
-
(Hatfield, Rudolph. 210
last name and page number sufficient
-
According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.”
I appreciate the helpful definition (is this source listed in your Works Cited?) but can you end the paragraph with a comment on the definition (which seems to dominate this paragraph).
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What has changed that 1 out of 4 people in today’s day and age will experience depression at some point in their life?
please cite source
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Hidaka, Brandon H. Journal of Affective Disorders, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Nov. 2012, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330161/. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032711007993
seems to be peer reviewed, given the .gov placement Remember to include two additional peer reviewed articles obtained preferably through databases, which you need to name. And don't forget to give dates of access, okay?
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mainly drew upon my knowledge of the subject.
what about your knowledge of writing? key terms of the course? Theory of Writing?
-
even though as of right now, I failed to utilize a few of them)
which, exactly?
-
Depression: An Epidemic of Modernity
a very connecting topic
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- Oct 2018
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deslyxic.edublogs.org deslyxic.edublogs.org
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They choose the genre
sometimes, though, the genre is chosen for them, no?
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presents her message to the audience, though not exactly clear, is presumed to be people whom easily believe these stereotypes.
Can you speculate as to her audience and how the chosen genre suits that audience?
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A presentation unique from both Donovan Livingston and Billy Collins is Faten Aggad-Clerx’s PechaKucha, Every Sixty Seconds in Africa…. A PechaKucha is a 20-slide presentation, each of the slides being 20 seconds long.
revise transition/topic sentence?
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purpose of this speech, to explain that time is an essence.
Be precise? The purpose is to explain. The message is that the present matters more than the future?
-
, an author who conveyed his speech orally is
I like the attempt at transition but perhaps you can be more precise? For example, both are giving commencement addresses or both understand how to reach their specific audience?
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adverse demeanor
Can you be more precise?
-
. He often compares handcuffs and keys to education and the educators. Livingston ends the first stanza with, “For generations we have known of knowledge’s infinite power. /Yet somehow, we’ve never questioned the keeper of the keys” (5-6
I like the level of detail
-
engages all audiences
okay: but do you mean his particular audience?
-
exactly what their message is, the purpose
try to be more precise, okay? Purpose is different from message, right?
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Aggad-Clerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, 27 May 2016. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot>. Collins, Billy. “Poet Laureate Billy Collins Gives Brilliand and Witty Commencement Address at Colorado College, 2008.” 19 May 2008. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0135-Billy-Collins-Gives-Brilliant-Witty-Commencement-Speech-Address-At-Colorado-College-2008.htm>. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 25 May 2016. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift>.
pretty close to MLA (actually it's the 7ed of MLA). Please use MLA 8th?
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. I tried my best not to summarize, as I tend to do that often, rather than analyzing the piece.
good
-
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stephaniesilva8.edublogs.org stephaniesilva8.edublogs.org
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Kings message
edit for apostrophe: King's message
-
(Page 40)
p. 40 or just 40 is sufficient
-
writing to people like herself;
good: people who live on the border between languages and cultures
-
envisions to aim
phrasing seems off
-
struggles of the dying language
not sure what this means
-
tones her readers
verb choice seems off to me
-
Gloria Anzaldua is in the genre form of an essay How to Tame a Wild Tongue talks in a completely different tone as Every Sixty Seconds in Africa.
okay but let's work on revising this transition/topic sentence for clarity? Note the fused sentence (no period between two sentences).
-
She specifically chose the genre of PechaKusha in order for her to leave an impact on her reader, the PechaKusha gives her a chance to show visuals to her audience instead of the ordinary writings. Since she only has twenty images, she needs to be aware of her audience in order to connect with them
good observation
-
by Faten Aggad-Clerx she understands
Faten Aggad-Clerx understands that
-
Once all writers established their rhetorical situation the easier their connection with their audience will be.
A fine start to your Theory of Writing And this intro as a whole is a good preparation for the paper.
-
The rhetorical situation includes, genre, audience and purpose, this is a situation that all writings should consider
edit for comma fault?
-
you have
why the shift to "you"?
-
Aggad-Clerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, Feb. 2016, www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot. Anzaldúa, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue”. 2012, www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/965/Anzaldua-Wild-Tongue.pdf. Blau, Susan, and Kathryn Burak. Writing in the Works. Houghton Mifflin, 2007. Print. King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail”, 2012, https://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/documents/Letter_Birmingham_Jail.pdf
pretty close to MLA form--good. You will just need to include dates of access
-
making sure I did not summarize the whole writing.
good
-
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nesssa.edublogs.org nesssa.edublogs.org
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the purpose of her writing is to argue the ways in which others view identity.
Yes and to encourage and inspire, right?
-
However, the purpose in a piece of writing is what the writing is supposed to do
I appreciate the effort at transition but I suspect you may have to refine it?
-
As educators
his audience
-
who think negatively and poorly of one’s race,
actually, he directs his remarks to teachers specifically, right?
-
On April 16, 1963 an envelope arrived to Mr.Higginbotham in Alabama. Inside the envelope contained an informal letter to this clergyman. We know it is a letter because it starts off, “My dear Fellow Clergymen” so we know that this is a personal letter. The letter also ends, “Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood” signed by Martin Luther King Jr
should this be its own paragraph?
-
about your audience
why the shift to "you"?
-
lau and Burak define genre as a type of writing that follows a general pattern and comes with expectations from its readers
good use of our text--remember to give page numbers consistently
-
genre is a form of the writing, or the work, with its own rules.
good
-
the message
this is different from purpose, right?
-
The theory of writing
fragment
-
Anzaldua, Gloria. “‘How to Tame a Wild Tongue’ by Gloria Anzaldua, English Homework Help.” Best Custom Writing Services | Best Paper Writing Service | My Research Paper Help, 15 July 2017, www.myresearchpaperhelp.com/how-to-tame-a-wild-tongue-by-gloria-anzaldua-english-homework-help/. King , Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail 1.” Web.edu, Aug. 1963, web.cn.edu/kwheeler/documents/Letter_Birmingham_Jail.pdf. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 26 May 2016, 4:40 pm, www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift.
pretty good use of MLA format--just remember to include dates of access Not sure of your source for the Anzaldua piece, though: why not use the pdf that I have you?
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trevagregs15.edublogs.org trevagregs15.edublogs.org
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Every sixty seconds in Africa
use author's last name only?
-
The purpose is to inform
yes
-
Let students be who they really are, and let them express themselves freely
exactly: yes
-
as well targets teachers
actually the students are future teachers
-
purpose of this speech is to inspire
good
-
We will now look at Donovan Livingston’s spoken word commencement address at Harvard
I appreciate the heads up but do you think you could revise this topic sentence to provide more information about the paragraph to come?
-
commencement address.
can you describe this genre a bit more?
-
He uses humor as a great tool in keeping his audience engaged, which worked extremely well for Collins
good
-
collins Web
just his last name (capitalized) is enough
-
If you don’t appeal
why the shift to "you"?
-
purpose, which is the overall message
actually purpose is different from message Purpose refers to what the writing is doing; message refers to what the writing is saying
-
material, this is the group of people
note the comma fault (comma splice)--using a comma like a period
-
therefor
therefore
-
Livingston, Donald. “Donovan Livingston Student Speech.” YouTube, YouTube, 2016, www.youtube.com/results?search_query=donovan%2Blivingston%2Bgraduation%2Bspeech. Aggadclerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, 2016, www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot. Collins, Billy. “Billy Collins Commencement Address .” YouTube, YouTube, 2016, www.youtube.com/results?search_query=billy%2Bcollins%2Bcommencement%2Baddress.
pretty good MLA form--you'll just need to alphabetize and includes dates of access after the URL.
-
I realized that I payed to much attention to only one source. I needed to pay equal attention to all sources
good *paid is the correct spelling of the past tense
-
-
smello84.edublogs.org smello84.edublogs.org
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The purpose of his speech was to tell them that they are able to anything if
try to be more precise and dive into the details of the speech, okay? The speech is aimed mostly at teachers, right? How do we know? How is the message aimed at teachers?
-
The genre of this piece is 20 images in 20 seconds. She shows you 20 imagines in 20 seconds which is very effective.
yes: okay Who is the intended audience?
-
” by Pecha Kucha
Aggad-Clerx is the author. Pecha Kucha is the genre
-
purpose of this letter was to help persuade th
good
-
Not at one point did he want to cause any violence, that’s not what he wanted happen.
edit for comma fault?
-
it was for the eight white clergymen of Alabama
good
-
there are three major aspects of it which are genre, audience and purpose.
insert comma before "which are . . . ."?
-
Audience is one of the biggest concept in writing it’s who is going to help your point of view get across.
note that you have a fused sentence here: two sentences without a period between
-
one of the biggest concept
concepts?
-
When you write
why the shift to "you"?
-
His speech was not they typical boring and long address. It was a poem and it was a superior poem.
I don't see a post write or list of works cited
-
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nchaves13.edublogs.org nchaves13.edublogs.org
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Each writer has there
Each writer has his or her own or their own
-
to make his audience understand
how does King appeal to this specific audience?
-
King’s purpose in his letter was to most importantly justify his belief
good
-
As you look
why the shift to "you"?
-
In turn it makes these speeches very contrary compared to Martin Luther King’s
not sure I follow--contrary, how?
-
Martin Luther King Jr. uses a more direct tone when speaking to his audience in his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” [King Jr.].
I appreciate your effort to transition from one writer to another
-
“Sky is not the limit, it is only the beginning, lift off”, this being Livingston’s concluding sentence it shows purpose
edit for comma fault?
-
have
has the identical purpose
-
have the same audience
you mean graduating seniors?
-
authors purpose
author's purpose
-
Collins’ purposes were to verbally give the students straight forward advice, motivation and lessons
good
-
a speech genre
graduation speech genre?
-