8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2018
    1. While I do agree with what she says at the end that its never in their best interests, I disagree

      notice how this source and your response seem to have diverted you from your purpose: to explore answers to the question (guided by lots of sources)

    2. We were asked to do a research-based essay on a question on our choice, it was up to us to find the necessary data to back up our claims and create an argument.

      I can see why you would start this way--to get you going in this draft. I suspect that in your next draft you will likely start with a focus on your big question

    3. Sources:

      I see that you've used databases: good But you will need to add to your list, right--including an interview. You're close to MLA form but not quite. You may be able to use a DOI (in identifying number for digital docs) instead of the long URL. Don't forget dates of access

    1. justifying that second-hand knowledge cannot always be accountable, in addition to how easily influenced society can become due to the passing of information inherited from our organized systematical “norms”.

      important points but could be stated more clearly, I believe

    2. Epistemologically speaking, second-hand knowledge is a mediated, unempirical type of knowledge, gained without direct insight into the subject (Ana Vujanovic)

      is this a quotation? if so please use proper punctuation. Cite author's last name only here

    3. Many can relate because the news, our systematic educational procedures, past historical events and even our cultural advances have all been instilled in us from a secondary source.

      yes: good point

    4. The reason for that being, personal experience and direct knowledge of our American history would be absorbed directly by the individual.

      agreed--but note fragment here

    5. Why is it that as a child, we deliberately touch the hot stove that our parents repeatedly warned us not to do?

      an effective, engaging opening

    6. This assignment wasn’t similar to any of the previous papers I have written. During this assignment I had to manifest my own research question and give feedback on the results I found. Usually, the teacher has most of the control but in this situation, I had to be the one to control the demeanor of essay. A few other things that was new to me involving this writing was the usage of peer-reviewed sources, as well as checking the quality and accuracy of the listed sources. This includes checking the date of access and publish, the authors credibility and relying on sources that are structured for researchers/students. In contrast, as a student in my previous years of education, I was taught that the information given to you is in fact correct and isn’t to be questioned. A challenge for me during this assignment, was to obtain current information on the subjects of first-hand and second-hand knowledge, and also to find statistic research contrasting between the two.

      This part is especially thoughtful and interesting, Kayla.

    1. “No definite liaison has been reported between genius-like abilities and psychic health or illness, and no direct evidence supports the tautological assumption that the genesis of highest genius-like abilities depends on psychic differences, mental abnormalities or specific creativity.”

      a complex statement--please comment afterward?

    2. Plus goes one step further by stating that there is no direct evidence supporting the genesis of genius like abilities depending on any cognitive deficiencies

      work on transition and edit for fragment

    3. his “Latent variable models estimated effect sizes and their confidence intervals. Overall, measures of anxiety, depression, and social anxiety predicted little variance in creativity.”

      integrate quotation more smoothly and logically into your own sentence?

    4. Some form of positive association between creativity and mental disorder exists, and that creative people have more psychopathology, especially affective disorders, than is found in the general population”. 

      cite source

    5. Even if there isn’t a strong relationship overall between genius and madness varying circumstances for example what type of disorder/illness one may have shows increased levels of creativity

      edit for punctuation--fused sentence

    6. Academic Journal “Links between creativity and mental disorders” by Erika Lauronen, Juha Veijola, Irene Isohanni, Peter B. Jones, Pentti Nieminen, and Matti Isohanni,

      put in Works Cited list rather than here? just cite their last names and reference study?

    7. “Simon Kyoga conducted a 40 year study of over 1.2 million people that found that people in artistic and scientific occupations were not more likely to suffer from any psychiatric disorders.” T

      not sure I understand the relevance

    8. Nevertheless

      not sure that this transition is working: are you suggesting a contrast or qualification to the point just stated? It seems as if you are providing confirmation?

    9. This visual hallucination caused by his anxiety disorder played a big role in helping him to create his most famous piece of art (the scream)

      interesting: want to include a visual representation (cited) of the work? Want to make this post more visual? You can do that with a blog. Capitalize and put quotation around titles of works, okay?

    10. because it helps to deal with his O.C.D since he wishes to make things in the way he sees them which is caused by his bipolar disorder.

      edit this sentence?

    11. I Interviewed an artist

      I wonder if you might begin with a topic sentence that draws an important point from the interview rather than begin with declaring the fact of the interview itself: see the difference?

    12. Each of these men, who were masters of their respective crafts having experienced lots of success for their creative work and masterpieces.

      seems like fragment--please edit

    1. Works Cited: Websites: Michon Kathleen,  When Juveniles Are Tried in Adult Criminal Court, published April 11, 2016, accessed November 03, 2018, www.nolo.com. https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/juveniles-youth-adult-criminal-court-32226.html Guy Fiona, Teenage Brain Development and Criminal Behavior, published July 07, 2018, accessed November 03, 2018, Crime Traveller, https://www.crimetraveller.org/2015/06/teenage-brain-development/

      no need to classify source in MLA separate last name from first name with comma. Use quotation marks around titles Provide three peer reviewed sources and interview

    2. Our brain matured from back to front this leaves us with our frontal lobes to fully mature last.

      quite an abrupt shift of perspective and note need to edit for fused sentence (you combine sentences without a period between).

    3. Although as stated before mixing the vulnerable and easily mis guided teens in with callous criminals isn’t going to help them rehabilitate a positive fallout for juveniles.

      edit for fragment

    4. Such as “the case of James Bulgar, a 2-year-old was abducted and murdered by two 10-year-old boys in Liverpool in 1993.

      close quotation and note fragment Also cite source

    5. “it is most likely to start around that age of 16 and those who haven’t committed a violent crime by the age of 19 rarely start doing it later.

      close quotation with proper punctuation

    6. Dr. David Fassler states “It doesn’t mean adolescents can’t make a rational decision or appreciate the difference between right and wrong,” he said

      Do you need "he says"?

    1. TEDxTalks. “Depression Is a Disease of Civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory.” YouTube, YouTube, 23 May 2013, www.youtube.com/watch?v=drv3BP0Fdi8.   What Is Depression?, www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/wh at-is-depression.

      not in MLA form I don't see an interview

    2. Ilardi has a theory, mentioned both in his book and the Ted Talk, called “Lifestyle Medicine” which he has found effective for curing depression in the modern day along with the traditional treatments

      try to be true to your purpose, which is not to argue for change of lifestyle but exploring answers to your question, right?

    3. “We were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, fast-food-laden, sleep-deprived, frenzied pace of modern life.” (Ilardi)

      Here, too

    4. “99.9% of the human and pre-human experience was lived in the hunter-gatherer context so most of the selection pressures that have sculpted and shaped our genomes are Pleistocene.” (Ilardi)

      okay: I like the change but can you insert a signal phrase before the quotation as well?

    5. I feel like I am pulling a heavy load up a rocky mountain side, unable to see the summit as I look up in anticipation. As I am climbing, rocks and debris land on my load making it heavier and heavier; slowing me down more and more, making my load harder to bare. But despite my weariness, I will not give up until I have reached the peak and overcome the biggest obstacle in my life.

      As noted in class: very nice use of extended metaphor and visual imagery

    6. According to the American Psychiatric Association, “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.”

      I appreciate the helpful definition (is this source listed in your Works Cited?) but can you end the paragraph with a comment on the definition (which seems to dominate this paragraph).

    7. What has changed that 1 out of 4 people in today’s day and age will experience depression at some point in their life?

      please cite source

    8. Hidaka, Brandon H. Journal of Affective Disorders, U.S. National Library of Medicine, Nov. 2012, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3330161/. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0165032711007993

      seems to be peer reviewed, given the .gov placement Remember to include two additional peer reviewed articles obtained preferably through databases, which you need to name. And don't forget to give dates of access, okay?

  2. Oct 2018
    1. presents her message to the audience, though not exactly clear, is presumed to be people whom easily believe these stereotypes.

      Can you speculate as to her audience and how the chosen genre suits that audience?

    2. A presentation unique from both Donovan Livingston and Billy Collins is Faten Aggad-Clerx’s PechaKucha, Every Sixty Seconds in Africa…. A PechaKucha is a 20-slide presentation, each of the slides being 20 seconds long.

      revise transition/topic sentence?

    3. purpose of this speech, to explain that time is an essence.

      Be precise? The purpose is to explain. The message is that the present matters more than the future?

    4. , an author who conveyed his speech orally is

      I like the attempt at transition but perhaps you can be more precise? For example, both are giving commencement addresses or both understand how to reach their specific audience?

    5. . He often compares handcuffs and keys to education and the educators. Livingston ends the first stanza with, “For generations we have known of knowledge’s infinite power. /Yet somehow, we’ve never questioned the keeper of the keys” (5-6

      I like the level of detail

    6. Aggad-Clerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, 27 May 2016. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot>.  Collins, Billy. “Poet Laureate Billy Collins Gives Brilliand and Witty Commencement Address at Colorado College, 2008.” 19 May 2008. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.graduationwisdom.com/speeches/0135-Billy-Collins-Gives-Brilliant-Witty-Commencement-Speech-Address-At-Colorado-College-2008.htm>.  Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 25 May 2016. Web. 23 September 2018. <http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift>. 

      pretty close to MLA (actually it's the 7ed of MLA). Please use MLA 8th?

    1. Gloria Anzaldua is in the genre form of an essay How to Tame a Wild Tongue talks in a completely different tone as Every Sixty Seconds in Africa.

      okay but let's work on revising this transition/topic sentence for clarity? Note the fused sentence (no period between two sentences).

    2. She specifically chose the genre of PechaKusha in order for her to leave an impact on her reader, the PechaKusha gives her a chance to show visuals to her audience instead of the ordinary writings. Since she only has twenty images, she needs to be aware of her audience in order to connect with them

      good observation

    3. Once all writers established their rhetorical situation the easier their connection with their audience will be.

      A fine start to your Theory of Writing And this intro as a whole is a good preparation for the paper.

    4. The rhetorical situation includes, genre, audience and purpose, this is a situation that all writings should consider

      edit for comma fault?

    5. Aggad-Clerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, Feb. 2016, www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot.   Anzaldúa, Gloria. “How to Tame a Wild Tongue”. 2012, www.everettsd.org/cms/lib07/WA01920133/Centricity/Domain/965/Anzaldua-Wild-Tongue.pdf. Blau, Susan, and Kathryn Burak. Writing in the Works. Houghton Mifflin, 2007. Print. King, Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail”, 2012, https://web.cn.edu/kwheeler/documents/Letter_Birmingham_Jail.pdf

      pretty close to MLA form--good. You will just need to include dates of access

    1. However, the purpose in a piece of writing is what the writing is supposed to do

      I appreciate the effort at transition but I suspect you may have to refine it?

    2. On April 16, 1963 an envelope arrived to Mr.Higginbotham in Alabama. Inside the envelope contained an informal letter to this clergyman. We know it is a letter because it starts off, “My dear Fellow Clergymen” so we know that this is a personal letter. The letter also ends, “Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood” signed by Martin Luther King Jr

      should this be its own paragraph?

    3. lau and Burak define genre as a type of writing that  follows a general pattern and comes with expectations from its readers

      good use of our text--remember to give page numbers consistently

    4. Anzaldua, Gloria. “‘How to Tame a Wild Tongue’ by Gloria Anzaldua, English Homework Help.” Best Custom Writing Services | Best Paper Writing Service | My Research Paper Help, 15 July 2017, www.myresearchpaperhelp.com/how-to-tame-a-wild-tongue-by-gloria-anzaldua-english-homework-help/. King , Martin Luther. “Letter from Birmingham Jail 1.” Web.edu, Aug. 1963, web.cn.edu/kwheeler/documents/Letter_Birmingham_Jail.pdf. Livingston, Donovan. “Lift Off.” Harvard Graduate School of Education, 26 May 2016, 4:40 pm, www.gse.harvard.edu/news/16/05/lift.

      pretty good use of MLA format--just remember to include dates of access Not sure of your source for the Anzaldua piece, though: why not use the pdf that I have you?

    1. We will now look at Donovan Livingston’s spoken word commencement address at Harvard

      I appreciate the heads up but do you think you could revise this topic sentence to provide more information about the paragraph to come?

    2. purpose, which is the overall message

      actually purpose is different from message Purpose refers to what the writing is doing; message refers to what the writing is saying

    3. Livingston, Donald. “Donovan Livingston Student Speech.” YouTube, YouTube, 2016, www.youtube.com/results?search_query=donovan%2Blivingston%2Bgraduation%2Bspeech.   Aggadclerx, Faten. “Every 60 Seconds in Africa…” PechaKucha 20×20, 2016, www.pechakucha.org/presentations/every-60-seconds-in-africa-dot-dot-dot.   Collins, Billy. “Billy Collins Commencement Address .” YouTube, YouTube, 2016, www.youtube.com/results?search_query=billy%2Bcollins%2Bcommencement%2Baddress.

      pretty good MLA form--you'll just need to alphabetize and includes dates of access after the URL.

    4. I realized that I payed to much attention to only one source. I needed to pay equal attention to all sources

      good *paid is the correct spelling of the past tense

    1. The purpose of his speech was to tell them that they are able to anything if

      try to be more precise and dive into the details of the speech, okay? The speech is aimed mostly at teachers, right? How do we know? How is the message aimed at teachers?

    2. The genre of this piece is 20 images in 20 seconds. She shows you 20 imagines in 20 seconds which is very effective.

      yes: okay Who is the intended audience?

    3. Audience is one of the biggest concept in writing it’s who is going to help your point of view get across.

      note that you have a fused sentence here: two sentences without a period between

    4. His speech was not they typical boring and long address. It was a poem and it was a superior poem.

      I don't see a post write or list of works cited

    1. Martin Luther King Jr. uses a more direct tone when speaking to his audience in his “Letter from a Birmingham Jail” [King Jr.].

      I appreciate your effort to transition from one writer to another

    2. “Sky is not the limit, it is only the beginning, lift off”, this being Livingston’s concluding sentence it shows purpose

      edit for comma fault?