8,270 Matching Annotations
  1. Nov 2018
    1. If you tend to get stressed out frequently—as many of us do in today’s demanding world—your body may be in a heightened state of stress most of the time. And that can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can suppress your immune system, upset your digestive and reproductive systems, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, and speed up the aging process. It can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems (Robinson L par.10)”

      Instead of quitting all of this at length, why not break it up and thread your own comments--so that this sources doesn't take over your paragraph?

    2. “It can suppress your immune system, upset your digestive and reproductive systems, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, and speed up the aging process. It can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and other mental health problems (Robinson L par.6)”.

      a very telling quotation: do you mind commenting further on what it means and its implications?

    3. Which then causes danger to the body that can lead to serious health problems.

      edit for fragment here or elsewhere

    4. Chronic stress is dangerous to the human body.

      As a contrast, chronic stress is dangerous

    5. There are differences between stress and chronic stress.

      While I wouldn't begin a sentence with "There," I do like the topic sentence here

    6. your body’s

      why the shift to "your"?

    7. “The physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain, the action on a body of any system of balanced forces whereby strain of deformation results (Anderson par.2)”.

      useful definition: want to use a signal phrase to introduce the quotation: e.g. "According to one source, "

    8. Works Cited :

      cite interview?

    9. Andersen-Parrado, Patricia. “An understanding of stress and its causes + homeopathy can spell relief.” Better Nutrition, Oct. 1997, p. 18. Health & Wellness Resource Center, http://link.galegroup.com/apps/doc/A19846973/HWRC?u=mlin_s_bristcc&sid=HWRC&xid=3818d0cf. Accessed 14 Oct. 2018.

      good form and I see a peer reviewed source. You will need to find two more, right?

    10. The purpose is reaching out to your audience and getting the point across that you intended in the first place.

      yes: without arguing a particular point?

    1. he International Journal of Alzheimer’s Disease states that, “Our results support consideration of music’s potential role as a nonpharmacological, noninvasive, and modifiable health behavior protective against dementia and cognitive impairment.”

      cite author's last name

    2. in Psychology Today,

      put on Works Cited list rather than here?

    3. when asked “What advantages do you feel you have as a musician?

      why include the question?

    4. In an additional Youtube video I found it shared how music can help patients with Alzheimer’s or dementia retain information better. They patients tend to retain the information better with music because it sparks emotion which can help them retain information better. It also takes them back to remember previous memories which can help them think more rationally.

      very interesting information--and quite pertinent. Cite author's last name however

    5. Ted Talk, I found on Youtube the video states that when people listen to music “it’s like fireworks going off.”

      good--cite source by using author's last name

    6. he next question that can be asked is, how do our actions in relation to music actually make us smarter?

      not sure I see the difference

    7. Therefore,

      try to avoid beginning a sentence with this word--it may not be as effective a transition as you might think

    8. better cognitive and auditory performance even at old age than those who are not musicians.

      please cite and give specific data as evidence

    9. Through there

      Thirough their

    10. a studied

      a study

    11. The department of General Psychology from the University of Padova in Italy, have

      has done

    12. usic programs provide kids with a sense of belonging and it enables them to formulate a desire and goal. It also provides  them something to look forward to in school.

      please use in-text citations when drawing information: author's last name will suffice

    13. s much trouble as the other students.

      explain?

    14. The data showed that not only did students who participated in the music programs have higher grade point averages but they also had a higher graduation rate

      cite source and give data?

    15. you mor

      why the shift to "you"?

    16. They wanted

      Researchers wanted?

    17. t effects diseases and illnesses such as Alzheimer’s and dementia.

      interesting

    18. Seeming how I have played music for close to a decade,

      Seeing that I have played. . . .

    19. t is said that people who play instruments and are able to read music are more academically capable, and overall, more successful.

      cite source?

    20. Sources 

      retitle as Works Cited

    21. “Auditory and Cognitive Performance in Elderly Musicians and Nonmusicians.” Bristol Community College, 29 Nov. 2017, www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=2&sid=0e61c0f9-60b5-4026-9f4d-bbbc5204f344%40sdc-v-sessmgr02&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3D%3D#AN=126464042&db=aph. “A Behavioral Study on Tonal Working Memory in Musicians and Non-Musicians.” Bristol Community College, 8 Feb. 2018, www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=2&sid=2b12fe01-2c3f-4209-a834-6ce52116f985%40sdc-v-sessmgr03&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3D%3D#AN=131037736&db=aph. “Learning a Second Language: Can Music Aptitude or Music Training Have a Role?” Bristol Community College, May 2018, www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=4&sid=ae815f31-8150-4146-8960-1acb5e152b9d%40sdc-v-sessmgr06&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3D%3D#AN=129754116&db=aph.

      formatting a challenge: can't tell what kinds of sources you have here. Please label database, as well title of journal. Perhaps you can include a DOI instead of the long URL? And don't forget dates of access?

    22. Frye, Jim.

      interview? please follow MLA order

    23. examine the site, author, and the place it is published.

      great

    24. It really challenged me to dive much deeper into my research.

      good to hear

    1. “I do think there is a downside to sending children to daycare, some kids

      edit for comma fault?

    2. their are

      there are

    3. I started with asking “Do you think daycare benefits children?” S

      do you think you need to include the question in this paragraph?

    4. They sometimes even believe their parents are not going to come back for them (Solomon).

      okay, as before, which information comes from this source?

    5. (Weisner

      again, unclear as to which information is drawn from this source: just what's in the sentence of what comes before that sentence? Single phases and consistent citations will help.

    6. In daycare, toddlers and preschoolers learn through repeating the same skills everyday. They develop fine motor skills by coloring, painting, and using scissors

      cite source/evidence?

    7. (Pungello)

      not sure to what the citation refers: try to avoid ending a paragraph with a citation. You might also signal phrase to avoid confusion before this.

    8. toddlers mind

      toddler's

    9. Safety is an important thing when it comes to caring for a child, but a parent also wants their child to learn while attending daycare everyday.

      I really like both the transition and the topic sentence here

    10. When researching the question “Do children benefit from attending daycare?”

      edit for fragment, here or elsewhere

    11. if you

      why the shift to "you"?

    12. Smith, David. “The Benefits Of Socialization For Children In Daycare”. Horizoneducationcenters.Org, 2016, https://www.horizoneducationcenters.org/blog/bid/350933/the-benefits-of-socialization-for-children-in-daycare-settings. Accessed 14 Oct 2018. Weisner, Tom. “What Is The Most Important Influence On Child Development | Tom Weisner | Tedxucla”. Youtube, 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIZ8PkLMMUo&t=274s. Accessed 14 Oct 2018 West’s Encyclopedia of American Law. Ed. Shirelle Phelps and Jeffrey Lehman. Vol. 2. 2nd ed. Detroit: Gale, 2005. p348-351. Accessed 14 Oct 2018.

      generally, good MLA form not sure I am seeing three peer reviewed sources, however--please name databases together with titles of journals.

    13. Do you feel that my essay sounds biased? I tried to keep my opinions to myself and just provide information from my research rather than from my own experiences. I am curious if you think I have met my goal.

      glad to see you are thinking about this aspect

    14. but once we sat down it was as if it was a regular conversation, rather than an interview.

      good

    1. Parker compares the amount of money people spend on college tuitions to things they could buy. The things they could buy are vacations, cars, publishing a book, acres of land, houses, boats, shares, diamond ring, trip around the world, and a Canadian Island (Parker). This article is another example to how expensive college is. Sajay Samuel talks about making a solution to high college costs. His idea is to create an income-Based Tuition. “There are three advantages, three benefits to Income-Based Tuition” (Samuel). His three benefits are that any user can figure how much money they will make from a college and major, college administrators would be forced to manage cost better, and most importantly Americans would be free from fear of financial ruin.

      I'm not sure what this paragraph is doing--doesn't it steer you away from your purpose/focus?

    2. For my media resources I used “19 This You Could Buy Instead of a College Education”, by Lara Parker and “How College Loans Exploits Students for Profit”, by Sajay Samuel.  Th

      Please introduce a new topic sentence? titles of works probably should go in your Works Cited list

    3. For my interview I decided to question a college student.

      Please begin with a topic sentence that also sets up a transition with the paragraph before?

    4. if you

      why the shift to "you"?

    5. “This leaves college financially out of reach for many Americans, puts a large financial burden on those that do attend, and leaves many students with high levels of debt.” (Heinrich).

      I'd like you to begin to use signal phrases to introduce and integrate quotations, okay?

    6. go to their school, they

      edit for comma fault

    7. Wanting the best comes at a cost

      again, good, clear topic sentence--your words and Idea, I hope?

    8. Today more occupations require advance education. Therefore, people attending colleges is at an all-time high. The states can’t keep up. “Between 2008 and 2017, all but a handful of states cut higher education funding, and overall state funding for higher education fell 16 percent”. (Bromley)

      good. Note that (Bromley) goes before the period and you need a new subject for the next sentence

    9. The lack of sate funding leads to higher tuition.

      good, clear topic sentence: I think you mean a decline in state funding

    10. The cost of college in America is way more than anywhere else in the world. College prices at both public and private schools have been soaring.

      please cite sources

    11. Why is college so expensive in America?

      a really good and timely question

    12. Work Cited

      useful sources but remember to include three peer reviewed sources obtained via database and you will need to list a personal interview

    1. There’s many

      There are

    2. He did get to choose marketing he wasn’t forced into a specific major.

      edit for punctuation: you need to put a period between these two thoughts

    3. Im

      I'm

    4. which rose his draft stock

      rephrase?

    5. Do they regret this at all, about 5 percent do.

      edit for punctuation and cite source?

    6. his article on the “Influence of Climate on the Academic and Athletic Success of Student-Athletes” explains the (SACS) Student-At

      I appreciate the signal phrase but I sense the need for a transition and sharper topic sentence

    7. e appearance of educating athletes than actually giving them a true education, the goal is to win in college regardless of the reality.

      edit for comma fault, here or elsewhere

    8. you hav

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. Kevin Trahan from SBNation has an article about athletes and if their degrees actually mean anything

      can you revise this topic sentence for clarity and emphasis?

    10. Colleges such as Penn State and Indiana have a graduation rate of 84 percent in their collegiate athletes. Then look at one of the biggest Division 1 schools Ohio State, their graduation rate for athletes is only 69 percent. If you narrow it down to just football the graduation rate over all 3 divisions is 75 percent the lowest in all NCAA sports.

      good useful data but please cite sources

    11. Works Cited

      I don't see any works listed here. I'm concerned. Nor do I see a post write.

    1. has exposes

      edit for verb form?

    2. ccording to a survey conducted by the Royal Society for Public Health, “YouTube tops the table as the most positive, with Instagram and Snap-chat coming out as the most detrimental to young people’s mental health and well-being”.

      good--do you have authors for your sources? If so, please reference/cite them?

    3. The negative affect proven to have our mental health are:

      edit for clarity and phrasing?

    4. has influence and change

      edit for verb form?

    5. n article written by (Gwenn Schurgin) stated “22% of teenager long on their favorite social media more than 10 times a days and more than half of adolescent long onto a social media site more than once a day “ and “seventy-five % of teenager now own cell phone and 25% uses them for social media 54% use them for instant texting”.

      good, relevant data

    6. When it comes to social, many thinks

      edit for typo/subject verb agreement?

    7. Also, the different aspects of social media in society. How’s too much social media is affecting our mind physiological.

      note the fragment and awkward phrasing

    8. weather

      spelling

    9. As In 21th century

      rephrase? In the 21st century,

    10. Inconclusion, I believe the invention of weren’t meant to be harmful.

      remember your purpose here: not to take a stand but to explore possible answers, right?

    11. Social media is?

      not quite a question--please rephrase?

    12. Sources

      Works Cited? Seems like you have some relevant and credible sources. Remember to use MLA format, however: begin with author's last name, first name, title of article, title of journal and so forth There should be six sources cited in all, including an interview

    1. The same concept goes for the manager of your workplace. Would you ever give your boss an attitude? The answer is no, because you value your job and wouldn’t want to lose it even if you were having a bad day.

      while I can see a connection I wonder whether you've strayed from your proper subject

    2. president

      President

    3. The prisoners were subconsciously taught to accept the punishment because it was happening from people of higher authority.

      cite source

    4. they chose

      please use a noun or name for the subject

    5. I interviewed the same friend for this essay,

      can you begin with a more meaningful topic sentence?

    6. but nothing happened because of the fear my friend had.

      not sure I follow: nothing happened because he was white?

    7. headlines and the social position of African Americans have lead the police officers to become in fear of them which leads to excessive force.

      do you have evidence in support of this claim? Please cite source.

    8. I also don’t think officers are all racist, I just believe t

      edit for comma fault, here or elsewhere

    9. all people who are African American are capable of committing the same crimes as others in the past.

      rephrase?--not sure of your meaning

    10. of Society

      why capitalize?

    11. the Police

      why capitalize?

    12. you constantly

      why the shift to "you"?

    13. We have seen countless videos of police using excessive force to restrain one person or a group of people.

      can you cite some sources here?

    14. people of authority

      you mean police? perhaps you could use that term?

    15. Work Cited

      not sure I'm seeing three peer reviewed sources. Please follow MLA format, okay? You should have six sources overall, including an interview, right?

    16. I kept an open mind

      good to know

    17. Major Assignment#2 First and second draft

      Please do not save over your drafts. Allow each draft to have its own post, okay?

    1. Treatments for helping with your phobias are very important when they are very extreme. The basic treatments speaking to a professional about it, like a psychologist

      This seems besides your purpose/subject, no?

    2. Nordqvist).

      thanks for citation but I would suggest using signal phrases as well.

    3. The three types of phobias are specific phobia, agoraphobia, and social phobia (Nordqvist). Specific phobia is specifically a phobia that intensely triggers your brain. Agoraphobia is when you are scared that if you were in a situation where you would need to leave, that you would be stuck and die. Like being high in the air or being in an elevator. Social phobia is having social anxiety, when you feel like everyone is judging you and staring at you when you are at social gatherings (Nordqvist).

      put into its own paragraph?

    4. Your brain

      note the shifting back and forth between "we" and "you."

    5. “A phobia is an intense, irrational fear of a specific event or object that causes distress or impairment in the person’s life.” (P

      insert topic sentence at the start of the paragraph?

    6. Another reason that some people are terrified of being scared, are the people

      rephrase for clarity?

    7. Happening in our brains is the releasing

      can you rephrase?

    8. Fear is “…a chain

      want to use a signal phrase to introduce the quotation/source? Perhaps you can begin with your own topic sentence?

    9. Professor Botelho has graduated from Umass Dartmouth in 1994 with a master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and has spent the last 15 years teaching psychology at Bristol Community College.

      note sure why you are putting this here. Perhaps you can use a signal phrase to introduce the quotations and quickly mention his credential/title?

    10. The signs are our “…digestion slows and this is why we get dry mouth or butterflies in the belly; our bronchi in our lungs relax in order to increase air to our lungs; our pupils dilate in order to allow better vision; our heart rate increase in order to increase the amount of oxygen sent to the arms and legs…” (Professor Botelho)

      I appreciate your effort to embed quotations within your sentences--no need in that case for eclipses at the beginning (. . . .) no need to cite the title of the source--just last name

    11. You are paying to be scared, but you know you are in a safe zone, so you experience the fear you would get if you were in a fearful situation, without being in that position.

      the ancient Greeks called this feeling "catharsis"--perhaps you will discuss later?

    12. Although you think, why would I want to experience fear?

      a good question but note the fragment, here or elsewhere

    13. you can

      why the shift from "we" to "you"?

    14. do we really understand what it is.

      punctuate as a question?

    15. Works Cited

      great to see these peer reviewed sources here Remember to include dates of access and you will need to list your interview

    1. herefore, I believe that these sites a worth a try. If they are able to help people in other countries and better communi

      see comments earlier about your purpose

    2. I then asked Mr. Rutledge

      no need for Q and A, right?

    3. I asked Mr. Rutledge his thought on the sites themselves

      why include this info? perhaps you should not enter into this?

    4. on Injection sites

      why the capital letter?

    5. growing epidemic in the U.S.

      still waiting for you to cite source

    6. SIS’s allow recreational drug use in a sterile environment, this goes against many laws of the U.S. that prevent recreational use of illegal drugs.

      edit for comma fault, here or elsewhere

    7. makes you

      why the shift to "you"?

    8. An article from CBC News states that recently, Canada has added three new injection sites to the state. The article also mentions that, ‘supervised injection sites save life’s without increasing drug use or crime in the surrounding area

      again, try to find and cite an author's name

    9. n a journal written by Thomas Kerr, Sanjana Mitra, Mary Clare and Ryan McNeil they

      in their article, Kerr, Mitra, Claire and McNeill write

    10. The article also mentions, “Studies have shown that recovering addicts using the safe injection centers felt more physically and psychologically safe, as opposed to those injecting in the street…they cited the [reduced] risk of arrest whenever they were caught using in the street”.

      powerful support

    11. “Amethyst Recovery Center

      no need to put title of piece here but rather in your list of Works Cited--author's name will suffice here

    12. However, there are many other sources who argue the pros to these injection sites

      new paragraph?

    13. argues valid cons

      please rephrase

    14. Should nurses accompany users who arrive at the sites to take lethal quantities of fentanyl, with naloxone inhalers ready at hand to revive them? How many overdoses will addicts be permitted per day? How many additional police officers will be detailed to the neighborhood around the legal injection site to deal with drug sales, or with drug robberies of eager addicts heading to the sites to use?”.

      terrific, important questions

    15. An article from “City Journal”

      do you have an author's name?

    16. if there is even a slight possibility that these injection sites could help keep communities cleaner by reducing the number of needles on the streets and reduce the amount of overdose deaths, then it is worth a try.

      keep your purpose in mind, which is not to take a position but to explore possible answers

    17. It is now very well-known that drug usage is becoming an out of control epidemic.

      cite source?

    18. you may wonder

      why the shift to "you"?

    19. Sources

      Works Cited? Thanks for this strong list of varied sources. Remember to include the names of database where appropriate.

    20. Post Write

      I don't see the postwrite.

    1. Love not only can affect the mind but it also can affect physical body as well .

      I'm not sure if this paragraph focus on the sociological--it seems to discuss physical reactions, no?

    2. who they love

      whom

    3. Other hormones such as vasopressin, serotonin, and dopamine all play a part in love that we don’t even recognize or even feel.

      source?

    4. In the limbic system it contains many components for the equation of love. The hippocampus contains all of the experiences of feelings and associations

      cite sources

    5. According to some scientist love is not a feeling or an emotion but a chemical reaction.

      why not start the paragraph here?

    6. some scientist

      scientists

    7. In the world today everything has a scientific side to it. Instead of beliefs and examining experiments, scientists have another way to prove what love is.

      not sure this transition and topic sentence are working for you. But I appreciate the effort

    8. Psychologist have

      Psychologists

    9. intesity

      typo

    10. brai make

      brain makes

    11. Aristotle also defined love as, “a composition of a single soul into two bodies.”

      same here: is Aristotle in your list?

    12. Unsafes Love, p.444

      is this source include in your list of works cited?

    13. I believe love has three different perspectives – psychological, biological, and sociological. While examining these three views on love the concept of it will become more identifiable on what it is.

      okay--good. You are setting things up for your reader.

    14. what is love.

      punctuate as a question?

    15. Nethcev

      not seeing this source in your list of Works Cited

    16. Works cited

      I'm not sure I'm seeing three peer reviewed sources. Please confirm by naming the both the journal and the database used in the Works Cited listing. and be sure to cite and list your interview as a source

    1. Sound in advertisement works in a similar way to color. When working with sound in advertising, sound effects are often used, and, more commonly, music. Short jingles or snippets of a catchy song, be it a popular song that can be heard on the radio or a song written specifically for the advertisement, help consumers remember the product.

      This paragraph is much thinner than the others--why?

    2. The color purple, for example, is often associated with royalty, extravagance, and beauty.

      source?

    3. Another extremely important aspect of advertising is perception.

      I appreciate the transition and attention to structure here

    4. life-threating

      threatening

    5. ” How does Advertising Work?

      properly belongs in your list of Works Cited rather than here

    6. These aspects include things like motivation, perception, emotion, and more.

      good--I assume this sentence serves as a guidepost and transition to the paragraph that follows

    7. s advancements in science and psychology will tell you, it’s not nearly enough, and this essay will explain why that is.

      A good opening paragraph, setting the scene nicely

    8. your attention

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. Back in the 1970’s, it was estimated that, on average, we were exposed to roughly 500 advertisements per day.

      interesting--cite source?

    10. Works Cited

      Please put these into MLA format, okay? You will begin with author's last name. Also remember to include both the name of the journal and the name of the database when listing peer reviewed academic journals via a database You should have six source in all: interview, three peer reviewed sources, two popular sources

    11. primary and secondary sources for my research.

      an interview would be a primary source, right?

    1. animal sentience research is often accused of being mammal-centric. This is primarily due to the similarity of physiology and neurology in humans and other mammals, and the relative ease of drawing conclusions from argument-by-analogy” (

      please explain what this quotation means and its implications

    2. 36% of dogs experienced a decreased appetite following the loss of a canine companion. Approximately 11% refused to eat at all. Many dogs slept more than usual while some suffered insomnia. Some dogs changed the area of the house where they slept. About 63% exhibited changes in vocal patterns, with some vocalizing more while others were quieter than they were prior to their loss of a companion. Surviving dogs were often more affectionate with their owners and became clingy.VCA (Lynn Buzhardt)

      excellent data

    3. dogs emotional

      dog's

    4. mals as diverse as elephants, chimpanzees, dolphins, house cats, rabbits, dogs, and birds.” (King 2013).

      interesting info--note the APA citation format rather than MLA Note also that this info seems buried in this paragraph.

    5. HAG

      what does this stand for?

    6. bond you form

      why the shift to "you" from "they"?

    7. Scientist that

      Scientists

    8. Studies have shown that captive and wild whales do not have the same likelihood of survival.  The researchers concluded that only 27 percent of captive killer whales live until they’re 15. While in the wild the percentage is about 80 (Susan Cosier). This is a huge difference. The way these whales are treated in captivity can emotionally affect them so harmfully that it drives the whales to death at such a young age. Especially those animals who are detached from their families or companion. Which leads to the topic of animals mourning their loved ones.

      focus?

    9. These animals in captivity can’t just escape because they do not have the ability to. Similarly, dogs being mistreated or being abused cannot just leave the owners house or fight back because they are not physically able to. This is where the power struggle becomes evident between animals and humans and provides a bit of an explanation to why some humans may feel they can take advantage of these creatures such as  putting orca whales into places like Seaworld or leaving a dog stranded.

      see my earlier comments about a loss of focus/purpose

    10. Who knows, physically if they were as strong and could understand human emotions like we do, they may treat us as badly as we have treated them

      edit for punctuation?

    11. us humans

      we humans

    12. This connects to the limbic system, which is highly reactive in Orca whales. The limbic system contains three key elements; emotions, arousal, and memories. For whales particularly, they are very “emotional” and expressive about the way they think and their memory is impeccable.

      good data--source is interview or something else? I suggest developing this information in its own paragraph rather than bury it here. What do you think?

    13. Katina being the mother and Kalina the baby.

      fragment

    14. conscious

      consciousness?

    15. My bio teacher from freshman year was the one who showed me the movie Blackfish.

      I wonder if this topic sentence should be tweaked to anticipate the point of this paragraph.

    16. The environment of Seaworld affected their mental and physical health and drove some of the orcas, like tilikum, to the extreme of death.

      again, note how you seem to veer from your purpose/focus to discuss animals in captivity

    17. Trainers would hear him “screaming” and trying to communicate with his family that was no longer there.

      Good evidence of feeling (is that the same, by the way, as consciousness? Try to rephrase your topic sentence to bring the point of the paragraph out more, okay?

    18. The movie publicizing the horrors of bringing animals, specifically orca whales, into captivity

      note fragment, here or elsewhere I'm sensing a loss of focus with this paragraph: remember your question, okay?

    19. In 2013 a movie called Blackfish was released

      I sense the need for a transition and topic sentence here.

    20. I think it is important for people to realize that animals can possibly feel emotions

      Your topic sentence works well. And I see that the paragraph provides a personal anecdote in support--good. I will await to see additional evidence aside from the personal.

    21. am intrigued by animal captivity

      This seems to be a different subject, no? I'll be looking to see if you stay focused on your original question.

    22. Do animals have consciousness?

      I continue to be fascinated by this question, as I believe you are, too

    23. Proctor, Helen S., Gemma Carder, and Amelia R. Cornish. “Searching for Animal Sentience: A Systematic Review of the Scientific Literature.” Animals : an Open Access Journal from MDPI 3.3 (2013): 882–906. PMC. Web. 15 Oct. 2018.

      okay: I assume this is a peer reviewed article. Remember that you will need three of these. Also remember to include a personal interview.

    24. King, B. J. (2013). How animals grieve. University of Chicago Press, Web. 1 Nov. 2018.

      This looks like APA style rather than MLA. Contrast this with the way you list other sources.

    25. transitioning my paragraphs better and creating a better flow between them. There are certain parts of my writing that I feel I jump straight from one topic to another and it confuses readers so I went back and tried to fix that and make it more clear. T

      again, I'm glad that you are aware of this--that's a good sign of progress

    26. separating my long paragraphs and making my thoughts more organized. T

      good--I'm glad you're working on this

    1. Video games can also cause seizures to people who have epilepsy when a video game like Super Mario Maker has bright flashy colors most people with epilepsy shouldn’t play that game or they will most likely have a seizure so its best if people with epilepsy stay away from those types of games and stick to less flashy games like Minecraft: Story Mode (”Seizures” par. 2)

      This is your most focused and precise paragraph.

    2. Video games can also be useful learning tools by using certain learning games in school it will mostly help kids in preschool, or kindergarten so they can learn how to spell in an early age.

      good: please provide examples of games and specify how games promote learning?

    3. With certain games it won’t be a good idea to play while upset o

      Try to revise your topic sentence that makes the connection between video games and behavior clearer? Do you have research in support?

    4. I play video games all the time and I made some good friends while doing so and my friend and I are planning a day to meet each other he is great, I have already had such a great 4 years with him. He is one of the friends that make my happy when I am down, we always play games on PC together.

      I'm assuming that your point here is that video games can create friendships? Okay? Can you use research beyond your own experience?

    5. With the way people are video games are a helpful tool for people but with certain people video games tend to make them violent.

      not sure I understand: please rephrase? This is important because I sense that the sentence is your thesis. Perhaps you might also use this introductory paragraph to let your reader know how you are going to discuss the question in the body of the paper?

    6. kids tend to get violent when they play games young

      okay: this, then, is your topic sentence for this paragraph. Can you provide evidence in support of this claim? Try to focus on the link that you see between video games and kids' violence.

    7. I think

      any particular reason why you are using "I" here?

    8. you

      why the shift to "you"?

    9. Work Cited: https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/an-education-in-gaming/ https://www.seeker.com/how-video-games-can-cause-seizures -1792624741.html http://web.b.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail/detail?vid=3&sid=6366429d-4c36-4355-82d1-a6abec676a72%40sessionmgr104&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=aph&AN=18963616

      no post write? Please follow MLA form when listing sources. I might be seeing one peer reviewed sources but I can't be sure. Remember that you need six sources in total: one personal interview, two popular but credible sources, and three peer reviewed sources

    1. In addition to brain differences, people who end up being convicted of crimes often show behavioral differences compared with the rest of the population. Some may say criminals have a lack of emotion and when they commit a crime that is because they lack remorse and guilt.

      To be honest, I'm not sure of the point that this paragraph is making: it seems to lack a clear focus, no?

    2. “In one recent study, scientists examined 21 people with antisocial personality disorder – a condition that characterizes many convicted criminals. Those with the disorder “typically have no regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the law and the rights of others,”according to the Mayo Clinic.

      cite author?

    3. Your brain

      why the shift to "your"? transition?