- Mar 2020
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jesskirkot.weebly.com jesskirkot.weebly.com
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My hope in this experience was that there would be students who had never heard of occupational therapy who now not only kne
Please shorten the sentence or add punctuation.
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s to obtain any additional information that I could pass along to her class
Please shorten the sentence, or add punctuation for clarity.
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occupation
occupational
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asier.
What a wonderful project!
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that they may be ashamed of
Again, I appreciate the sentiment but how do you know this? Is there a better, less biased way to frame this sentence?
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their stroke
Did they all have a stroke? Were other conditions considered for patients other than stroke? Please revise this sentence for clarity!
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jesskirkot.weebly.com jesskirkot.weebly.com
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rience.
Can you give an example of PEO with an environment other than the physical? What other types of environments were considered?
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Especially with the babies on my caseload, I learned and implemented principles from NDT (Neurodevelopmental Treatment) including therapeutic handling techniques. I learned how to facilitate typical or normal motor patterns associated with sitting, rolling, and crawling and learned to inhibit abnormal movement patterns such as thrusting by using trunk and neck extension to get out of prone positioning. I was also able to implement the Sensory Integration frame of reference on my pediatric rotation. For example, if a client was over stimulated, I utilized slow and rhythmic movements. If a client was under stimulated, I would utilize more quick and unpredictable input.
Nice description!
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linical carrot
Can you provide an example?
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IADLs
Spell out before first instance using the acronym, especially if you will be using it again on the page. Otherwise, no need to use an acronym. Please refer to APA formatting guidelines.
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NDT (Neurodevelopmental Treatment)
Please format correctly--see prior comment. Additionally, if you are not using the abbreviation or acronym again, there is no need to parenthesize it. Using an acronym is appropriate when you repeatedly refer to it, but in your case I don't see any of these duplicated.
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MOHO (Model of Human Occupations)
Please format correctly. Acronym or abbreviation comes after, not before the full description.
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Another activity that I selected for him involved tossing bean bags into a basket with different holes worth different amounts of points. While standing up and throwing a baseball was not quite appropriate or safe for him yet, this activity was similar to throwing a baseball, just graded down for the "just right challenge" for him.
I had to read these sentences several times to understand. How did you grade it down? Was he standing? seated? please elaborate.
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One cli
This section is nice, but the sentences tend to be very long. This decreases reading comprehension. Please revise this section with shorter sentences.Simplification increases clarity and comprehension. Thanks!
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her fall risk
Did you address pleasurable activities as well? How so?
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erwhelmed at home.
Can you rewrite this section without repeating the word "home" as frequently?
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home exercises that she could do at home
eliminate the first "home"
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disabilities or diseases
Can you shorten the sentence?
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eating more healthy
eating more healthfully
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lity
Photo credit needed
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these clients
them
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especially families of other cultures
Especially? Or regardless? I would think it is important to complete a thorough occupational profile for everyone in order to avoid making assumptions
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for example
Consider word placement near the beginning of the sentence.
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In addition, I learned that other families of various cultures we worked with find it acceptable and culturally expected for males to receive help with various activities of daily living (ADLs), specifically dressing, and that it is not to be expected to complete these tasks independently.
This is a very long sentence--can you break it up for clarity?
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beliefs for my pediatric rotation
Can you reword this for clarity? Perhaps, , "During my pediatric rotation I got the pleasure..."
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red
Jessica, is there a place where you provide the credit for the photograph?
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jesskirkot.weebly.com jesskirkot.weebly.comAbout Me2
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along with
I am learning how to utilize these strengths while acknowledging my weaknesses (?)
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I am learning throughout school
Can you rework this sentence for clarity? Perhaps start with the words Throughout school, I am....
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jesskirkot.weebly.com jesskirkot.weebly.com
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lity
I love the YT video at the end of this page, but it was not created by you, and you have not credited the author (I can't easily find the citation or reference). I'd prefer you to either include something of your own making or eliminate other people's work in your own APDE.
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- May 2019
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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hink more about what was the c
I was encouraged to refer back to the.....and think more deeply/ reflect on the possible/potential cause of the occupational dysfunction
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I was encouraged to refer back to the Occupational Therapy Practice Framework when creating these treatment plans and think more about what was causing the affected occupation
I think I understand what you are trying to say but it doesn't make sense--you are asking what is causing an affected occupation? Or do you mean to say, what is the cause of occupational dysfunction?
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t is c
tense
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OTPF
Acronym!
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se
Capitalize since this is a specifically-named intervention
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ence-
See prior comment
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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I felt it much easier
it was much easier for me
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in
grammar, see prior comment
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from
after
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isual motorÂ
visual motor what?
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teh
spelling
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v
punctuation
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t
needs to be corrected
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ucto
Good
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within the ge
This doesn't make much sense. I think you are trying to say... ...discussing my improved confidence when working with older adults". Is that what you are trying to say? The sentence is confusing the way it is currently written.
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his se
Please reword. Consider I was unfamiliar with OT in this setting
or some other variation
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is when
these words are redundant
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en
was
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n
any idea why this appears as an orphan letter?
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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ROM
You still need to spell this out before you use it as an acronym.
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COPM
Acronym
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mityÂ
No need to place in parentheses if you don't use the acronym going forward.
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f how I fe
You used this phrase two sentences ago. Consider a different way to make the statement.
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was done more with the patients I would treat rather than my team members.
I am unsure what you mean. You inspired your clients? or they inspired you? Please clarify
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of how
of my clinical instructor's comment about how I effectively...
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It was more in this setting that I was accustomed to seeing different socioeconomic statuses and learning about each patient’s financial concerns when it came to receiving treatment.
This sentence is very wordy and unclear. Please revise, consider perhaps splitting it into two distinct sentences. It is very difficult to understand.
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er
Still inconsistency with patients and clients.
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laurenleiser.weebly.com laurenleiser.weebly.com
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hance.
Lovely reflection
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he
This sentence is still bothersome because it dehumanizes the people in maximum security. What was the risk to you? Surely there was no risk to you--you were safe. It's unfair to color it as if you took some big risk to your life. The people in there were humans, not monsters. Unless I am wrong and you absolutely risked your life every encounter.
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(C
Lauren, you did a good job in #3 spelling it out and then placing the abbreviation in parentheses, no need to do it again. My previous comment was that it needed to appear earlier in the page, and it does.
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Key=Sessi
Perfect!
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nfidence due
I still think you need to revise this sentence. Perhaps something, I felt unconfident treating clients with the types of diagnoses they had....or something along those lines.
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isk of
what was the risk to you? Explain! Also remember to state "maximum security facility".
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y,
facility
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CI
Acronym! See comment on the same issue provided to you last review.
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470b3&SessionId
Still can't see the image. It is tinier than tiny
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otat
Nice
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a 1
Change the numerals to the word half
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use
past tense
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maggiewidickot.weebly.com maggiewidickot.weebly.com
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for th
Sorry I missed this before....assume someone (an OT student) from another country is reading this--will they know what you are referring to here?
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(GBS)
Do you really need this abbreviation?
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ns are
Past tense
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who could tolerate it in order to maintain census.Â
Sentence structure. The last part of the sentence needs to appear earlier in order for the sentence to make sense.
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10.
Spacing above
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ntt’s
spelling
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BS
Agh! I'm sure you are tired of my comments by now! Don't use it if it won't appear again
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7.
Remove all these extra spaces above
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sible.
Lovely! I am beaming pride at you!
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you
one
or
I
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are the best way to reflect and identify your stre
Keep it personal and in the past tense.
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maggiewidickot.weebly.com maggiewidickot.weebly.com
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e (LTAC)
Not sure what the need for the abbreviation in parentheses is...since you don't use it anywhere. Remove.
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). I
See previous comments about first-time use of acronyms and subsequent use...
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s.Â
Acromym! I know you are getting tired of my comments!
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OTPF
Acronym!
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em.
Maggie, consider rewording this sentence. It is not grammatically sound. Also, try to keep it in first person.
I think it is important for me to be able to admit when I don't know something. Additionally, it is important for me to be use appropriate resources....etc. ...in your own words.
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s
See my earlier comments about using acronyms only once. No need to include it in parentheses if you are only referencing this one time.
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maggiewidickot.weebly.com maggiewidickot.weebly.com
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n
Still spelling
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t i
Plural
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yourself
Oneself
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ke
Not sure why you use this acronym here...I thought I made a comment about it before.
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eotomies. Â
GREAT job!
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AOTA
Remember to first spell out this acronym before using it freely in the remainder of the text
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ven
spelling
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lien
Change to first-person
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is
grammar needs to be plural since you are discussing gains
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lf
Change to oneself--make it personal to you, not me.
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ortunity
She offered you the job? WOW Maggie!! I am so happy for you!
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ions.Â
Lovely.
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below comments
word order
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Speech therapy
A speech therapist
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mment highli
You already used this comment in the previous section. You can only use each piece of evidence one time. Which one do you choose?
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maggiewidickot.weebly.com maggiewidickot.weebly.com
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un
Please find a different word other than opportunities. Opportunities sounds like it was a fluke, not deliberate. You did much more than have random opportunities. You IN ALL INSTANCES combined theory, gathered valuable information, graded interventions, etc. You didn't just do it when it was opportune. Do you see the difference, and what I am getting at? Using the word "opportunity" diminishes your thoughtful approach to your clients.
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orm.
Please see my previous comment--this is still a long sentence that is difficult to digest. Consider breaking it down into two separate sentences. Keep it simple.
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nt's
Because further in the sentence you use the words they and their, I am assuming you are referring to many clients. Therefore, the apostrophe comes after the s
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d ADL
Nice. ADL==when used before, please spell out. CVA and TBI are not necessary in parentheses because this is the only instance that you use those words on this page, and they no longer appear on the page.
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who have highlighted opportunities
who highlighted instances
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deficit
Please correct this to past tense
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ure 3
Great. Since the figures aren't labeled, perhaps say "in the bottom picture", or something similar. Also, the middle picture evidence was used for objective #6, the next one. You can only use one piece of evidence per objective, so choose where you would like it to go.
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lient's
grammar
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client's
grammar
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and diagnose a rotator cuff injury
Hmmm...this sounds like you are the physician making the diagnosis. Be careful! Please change your choice of words here, as it is a misrepresentation of our profession. We do not diagnose...at that level. How else can you word this in order to make the same point?
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ROM
Please don't use acronyms without first spelling them out and then putting the acronym in parentheses, e.g., range of motion (ROM). If you don't use the acronym again on the page, then you don't need to put the acronym in parentheses--don't use it at all. You can do a simple "search" on your webpage to see where else you used this.
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conservation pla
This is a great example of summarizing the discussion board.
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n skills
Briefly summarize the example from your discussion post for the reader who cannot see the image. In my case, I cannot see the image unless I zoom in, and then it is pixelated and difficult to read.
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my
Check grammar
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laurenleiser.weebly.com laurenleiser.weebly.com
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is
was
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is
was
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is to help
helps
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are
singular or plural?
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ke
comma after the word stroke
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effected
effected or affected?
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ro
?
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o t
?
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t
singular or plural? This is a long sentence; all verbs and subjects need to agree with each other.
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nts'
singular or plural?
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y
grammar
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nce
Shorten the sentence or divide into two distinct sentences.
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n,,
punctuation
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nt’s
grammar, again
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laurenleiser.weebly.com laurenleiser.weebly.com
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promote
Is there another word you can use besides "promote"? You already used it earlier in the sentence
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nd clients of whom
client with mental illness
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patien
patient or client? Please recheck each page
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are
past tense
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n
plural
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ess
plural
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ce
past tense
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al
mental illnesses
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tal h
Please see comment from the prior review regarding grammar used in this sentence.
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laurenleiser.weebly.com laurenleiser.weebly.com
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By addressing this occupation during our treatment session, it
Take out the first word in the sentence and the first word after the comma, including the comma. It should read: Addressing this occupation during out treatment session allowed me the opportunity...
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patient
patient or client?
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oR
Spell out an acronym and then place in parentheses before you use it the first time.
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on
educate my client about requesting
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e
revise word order: The discussion board below is an example
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's
punctuation
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(e
please recheck the tense
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recommended
made
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they
the client lived
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they
grammar? Was the PT a male or female?
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hem th
him or her--you are referencing the PT, right?
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nformed the physical therapist o
I told the physical therapist the reason we were consulted for a second evaluation
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nd to live alone.Â
to her prior living situation.
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on
of
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s
past tense
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mother to return home alone
mother's return home because she lived by herself
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hom
who
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f
remove this word
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below example
word order
example below
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case manager. s
punctuation
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es
disciplines'
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ers
worker's
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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al
What happened to the image? Did you crop it mid-sentence?
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nner
Please revise. This sentence does not make sense.
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4
Add a space above
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- Apr 2019
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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WELCOME
This makes me feel so proud to be your mentor! Thank you for taking me along this journey with you!
Overall this is a wonderful APDE. There are several suggestions for grammatical revisions as well as more specific content.
I look forward to reading the polished version! :)
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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lemma
The comment below references hazards. Please summarize using your own words what led your CI to provide this feedback.
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are important to upholding an ethical and trustworthy manner
This doesn't make sense--please revise this sentence.
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ory
spelling
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th.
briefly summarize a specific situation that led to your CI providing this feedback.
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adequately shows
shows how I adequately maintained...
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ould work
worked with
or
with whom I worked.
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increasing my confidence with each day
my confidence increased daily
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on
using
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at the same time
Remove this clause.
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geriatric population
Please use person-first language.
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knowledge.
Please provide a specific example.
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-
Remove hyphen.
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often times have several questions come to mind but do not always ask the questions due to time or not wanting to interrup
Use past tense.
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ance.
Please summarize the screen shot below as a specific example of how you accomplished this standard.
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ximized
grammar
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e would each have our own individual areas to target with goals for each therapy domain to address with this patient.
I don't understand what this means
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otation.Â
Please provide a brief summary in the narrative--imagine the person reading this cannot see the image.
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resented within the system
I find it hard to imagine that you never encountered someone who was poor, didn't have money for adaptive equipment, was not visited by loved ones, was not taken to the toilet when needed, was from an ethnic minority, etc...I believe you can dig deeper for an example.
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As I proceed into my future career, I intend to always stand up and advocate for any unethical or negligent behavior I see. Remaining honest and making sure everyone is treated well with appropriate healthcare as well as with respect is one of the main reasons I wanted to go into the healthcare field. I love helping people in any way I possibly can and serving others is part of my personal and professional identity. If I ever do encounter a situation where there is a client being neglected or underrepresented, I will immediately take action by reporting the incident to my supervisor and following up to ensure the situation was handled appropriately. ​
This section is nice, but irrelevant--it talks about your aspirations, which are admirable. For the APDE, however, you need to reflect on your past experiences.
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During my experience with both my fieldwork rotations
During both of my fieldwork rotations...
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aliciarinksot.weebly.com aliciarinksot.weebly.com
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n courses.
Nothing during your fieldwork? No in-services?
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rom taking continued education courses to increase my knowledge and understanding of these topics
redundant--remove this part of the sentence.
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I feel as if I would benefit
may benefit me
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with vision in pediatrics further
in treating children with visual impairments.
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the presentation I was given
my presentation.
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much
many
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f vision
by....reading articles? how did you accomplish this?
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are
were
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may be having difficulty completing
had difficulty with.
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learn more knowledge about.
....learn more about
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function is causing the affected occupation
Can you reword, or clarify? Is it always a function? Can it also be contextual at times?
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I feel as if
Remove these words. You can start the sentence by saying, Completing these forms each week helped....
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for
during
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she
my clinical instructor
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own research
research? Consider using a less "loaded" or misleading word.
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then
unnecessary word
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OS (sequential oral sensory)
Reverse order--abbreviation in parentheses comes after
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