- Nov 2019
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justinegonsalves.edublogs.org justinegonsalves.edublogs.org
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“Addiction is a chronic disease characterized by drug seeking and use that is compulsive, or difficult to control, despite harmful consequences” (“Understanding Drug Use and Addiction”).
helpful but try to use signal phrase, okay? do you have an author's name?
-
Works Cited
pretty close to MLA form (with minor tweaks)
-
Gonsalves, Justine
name of person interviewed
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National Institute on Drug Abuse. “Understanding Drug Use and Addiction.” NIDA, June 2018, 7 October 2019 www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugfacts/understanding-drug-use-addiction
good form but place URL between dates of publication and date of access?
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made the decision to focus each paragraph on a certain aspect of the cause of addiction such as risk factors, characteristics, and neurological characteristics
smart decision
-
these journal articles provided me with a vast amount of reliable information.
good to hear
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itsshaley.edublogs.org itsshaley.edublogs.org
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I have interviewed my friend Misbah through text messages.
can you provide a more meaningful transition, connected to your question?
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On the Meaning of Movement in Music, Development and the Brain
cite author's last name only
-
an affect our body is your health
I appreciate the effort at transition but perhaps you can be more precise?
-
Time Inc.)
not MLA form
-
Music seems to selectively activate neurochemical systems and brain structures associated with positive mood, emotion regulation, attention and memory”
doesn't this belong in an earlier paragraph?
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Studies have shown that it can also reduce stress related hormones like “cortisol”
cite source
-
In the article it states “When it comes to the best music for learning, for example, experts recommend different genres for different purposes. Upbeat music, including songs with positive lyrics, can provide an energy boost and get your brain primed for learning. Once it is time to buckle down and concentrate, however—like when you need to read, write, or study your course materials, instrumental music and soothing genres can help you stay calm and focused” (Ashford University Staff).
okay: please set long quotations off and cite source. Continue to work on signal phrase, okay?
-
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter and chemical responsible for transmitting signals in between your nerve cells in the brain. When dopamine gets realized into your brain, it makes you happy.
This is different from IQ, no? Is this a transition?
-
Music Teachers National Association
thanks for citation but is there an author?
-
In the article i
can you revise this signal phrase to make it less abrupt? One study shows that . . . Remember to cite author
-
etc.
try to be precise and avoid, okay?
-
You can listen
why the shift to "you"?
-
Work Cited
Form looks good, although missing a personal interview?
-
“Ashford University.” (Infographic) | Ashford University, 7 June 2017, www.ashford.edu/online-degrees/student-lifestyle/how-does-music-affect-your-brain.
no author? Please give date of access
-
Meer, Misbah. “How Music Affects Me.” 30 Oct. 2019.
web source? if so, please give URL
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evanmichael.edublogs.org evanmichael.edublogs.org
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eople use being anonymous as a tool of leverage on others. In an article by CNN, they tell us a tragic story of an 18-year-old girl named Brandy Vela, who fatally shot herself in front of her parents after being relentlessly cyber bullied.
cite source
-
Cyber bullying has become a rather larger issue since the rise of social media platforms.
evidence? cite source?
-
We have started to form opinions based solely on what we see on the internet.
please provide evidence and cite source
-
real life, it is almost used as a mask. T
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
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It is a cheap and effective way for brands to advertise.
I don't see a post write And I don't see a list of works cited--quite concerning
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eknight15.edublogs.org eknight15.edublogs.org
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artists life
artist's
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written by, Noah karvelis. He implie
Noah K implies that
-
rap is simply the purpose of self-expression.
n you rephrase for clarity?
-
Well
too much like speaking, no?
-
With the purpose to express themselves, giving rap the stereo-type of being violent music.
fragment
-
some say it’s the product of African- American movement,
edit for mechanics--capitalization, punctuation
-
Tricia Roses seminal Black Noise: Black music and black culture in contemporay America (1994)… A cultural movement.. Fusing african American and Caribbean cultural traditions, that ultimetely transformed the rampant gang violence into vibrant creative expression. “
I'm getting lost and there are so many typos/mistakes in this quotation
-
Using rap as an outlet, or way of self expression.
fragment
-
In regards to that,
rephrase transition for clarity?
-
some historians.. Believe that society was and is charcaterized by a high culture and a low culture..
please quote accurately--too many typos
-
As historian Benjamin Quarles (1988) one perceptively noted, “ many historians have a builtin skepticism concerning innovation, particularly when it comes to.. A new viewpoint about a low- status minority.”
not sure I follow--please quote accurately
-
In the article, Remixing The Historical Record : Revolutions in Hip-Hop Histeography. Written by,
this information should go into your Works Cited list, right? For now, cite author's name only
-
The elements/process that makes up a rap song, and the purpose of rap music itself.
fragment
-
They use
who?
-
Basically like using the words to create a sound/ beat itself
fragment
-
For example: The diction used, and formation of the words( how fast you say them, or how slow).
edit for fragment, here and elsewhere
-
that results
that result
-
there’s certain structures
there are
-
aspects of: Genre, race, sexuality, and purpose
can you rephrase for clarity?
-
With texts(raps), consisting of metaphors- lyrics “ of the streets,” self expression, and beats.
not quite a sentence Please cite source
-
Rap was developed around the late 60’s, and early 70’
cite source?
-
http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=9&sid=63e20569-c07a-49cc-b69c-9fa0d841eed0%40sessionmgr4007&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=131688893&db=aph1 http://www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=10&sid=63e20569-c07a-49cc-b69c-9fa0d841eed0%40sessionmgr4007&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=133465584&db=aph 2 http://www.bristolcc.edu:2068/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=22&sid=af3eafd0-232a-4b96-978e-66b535813a79%40pdc-v-sessmgr05
not in MLA format
Clearly, you are missing sources, right?
-
Evidence interpret, conclusion.
I don't see a post write
-
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ehulingeng101.edublogs.org ehulingeng101.edublogs.org
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around you
why the shift to "you"?
-
He believes our perception of the universe is fixed, whereas I contradict him by believing that there is a way to change our perception of the universe
what evidence is there on each side of the question?
-
Now, what does the universe truly look like?
Note that you are returning to your Big Question after a considerable amount of time
-
from concealed dimensions, perhaps such as 6D? This theory presents many issues, but remains to be quite the curiosity to behold.
interesting: what additional evidence do we have that such exists? can you take the time to explore what its dimensions might be?
-
Avedikians statement
Avedikian's statement
-
This is how scientists know that there is a “Theory of Everything,” we just have yet to discover it. A contender for the “Theory of Everything,” could be string-theory, so let’s discuss that.
I wonder if you need to move more quickly to your Big Question
-
you have
why the shift to "you"?
-
he questions these concepts propose as worded by Harry Cliff, is “…why does all this interesting stuff exist? Why is there something rather than nothing,” (
Fascinating but will you need to connect these questions to your Big Question?
-
These topics as a fundamental basis for questions that pertain to the building blocks of the universe
note fragment
-
(Cliff, Harry
last name is sufficient in text
-
smaller gears, however, neither is more significant than the other.
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
-
(The branch of physics in relation to the larger parts of the existent universe). It is easiest to think of these two topics as gears in a mechanism
I appreciate the effort to make the concepts clear to a lay reader
-
lies two subjects
lie two subjects
-
we can perceive.
punctuate as question?
-
And finally,
And, finally,
-
Do we simply see our world rather than observe it?
the distinction may not be obvious to all, right?
-
What does the natural universe present as?
not sure of the meaning of the title--at least for a non-scientist reader
-
Bibliography/Works Cited
so some works are cited, others not? Or all cited (I hope) Form looks pretty solid, perhaps needing dates of access?
-
broken down enough so that someone with a non-technical background could understand it
good question
-
add an abstract, something I am still unsure of.
that would the expectation for an academic, scientifically-based article
-
writing being a symbiotic relationship of mutual benefit between reader and writer
sounds like the making of a Theory of Writing
-
I learned a lot of shortcuts from Emily
good to know--perhaps you can share?
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edis1287.edublogs.org edis1287.edublogs.org
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agresive,
spelling
-
you hat you
typo?
-
children’s prefer
children
-
What can us parents do about this situation? How can we understand what our childrens play?
remember your purpose in this paper: to inquire, to explore but not to advocate or argue
-
A. Park, p2
thanks for citing author: last name sufficient
-
us parents
we parents
-
Is something that majority of games are base on.
fragment: edit for typos/punctuation?
-
Violence, drungs, sex, criminals.
fragament
-
“But the fact is that mos
use signal phrase?
-
because in this types of games all you see is a lot of aggression and bad talk
cite source?
-
childs life
edit for apostrophe use: child's life
-
Violent video games is
subject/verb agreement Violent games are
-
this games
adiective/noun agreement problem: these games
-
Us parents
subject form of pronoun: We parents
-
Games like Call of Duty, or Resident Evil. Are
edit for fragment/punctuation
-
around your
why the shift to "your"?
-
and etc.
try to precise, okay?
-
n this times
in these times at this time
-
No 91; June 2015 Video Games and Children: Playing with Violence https://www.aacap.org/aacap/families_and_youth/facts_for_families/fff-guide/Children-and-Video-Games-Playing-with-Violence-091.aspx AKRUTI “ momjuction’ June 21,2019, 3 unexpected effetcs of violent games on kids https://www.momjunction.com/articles/unexpected-side-effects-of-violent-video-games-on-kids_00103691/
not quite in MLA format Please start with author's last name, alphabetically arranged I also don't see three peer reviewed articles obtained with a database
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Work site
Works Cited
-
and not the video games to educate our future generation.
I don't see a post write
-
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dianahernandez1.edublogs.org dianahernandez1.edublogs.org
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who loves school
who love
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“The average college graduate earns a salary that is over $30,000
cite source (author's last name)
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In the article, “Is College Worth the Cost?”, it talks about how colleges are up to $26,000 just to go to the school, we still must buy the books and the required materials. “
again, good, relevant data but try to start your sentence with a focusing topic sentence, okay?
-
In the article, “Is a college education worth the money”, it mentions the pros about how college is worth it.
cite article author? you might also rephrase: "the pros"
-
everyone, everyone gets a different experience with school, some are good with it, and some barley make it.
edit for comma splices (using commas like periods)
-
I have interview someon
interviewed I'd recommend a more meaningful transition and topic sentence here
-
“One Associated Press analysis of 2011 graduates found that 54 percent were unemployed and many who were employed worked jobs unrelated to their college studies.”
cite source I've also noticed that you've veered away to another subject in this paragraph: please use topic sentences to keep to your subject, okay?
-
“Too many college graduates are suffocating under a mountain of accumulated debt, with very limited opportunities for employment and no acquired skill.”
okay: good information but cite your source and use signal phrase?
-
debts
debt
-
how students be in
edit for verb form
-
they have
who? please provide names or use noun?
-
are cons
please rephrase for clarity/diction
-
may say yes college is worth it
may say, "Yes, college is worth it."
-
Well I believe college or even school in general isn’t for everyone.
remember your purpose: to inquire and to explore but not to argue or advocate
-
barley
spelling
-
ou will ge
why the shift to "you"?
-
Cited Worked Is a College Education Worth the Money, https://www.necb.edu/news/2016-03/is-a-college-education-worth-the-money Is College Worth the Cost?, https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/paying-for-college
Works Cited not in MLA format And the list is incomplete: missing--three peer reviewed articles obtained with a database and a personal interview
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dantejosefek.edublogs.org dantejosefek.edublogs.org
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nexts generations credibility.
next generation's
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I would say that the mid-60s to the mid-70s were the golden era of modern music because you have the best of everything.”
cite source
-
rowing up in the 70s and 80s hard rock and heavy metal were the predominant music I would listen too but Punk Rock and early Hip Hop were also a major influence. The birth of MTV in 1981 was very significant in my life as it was the conduit to a wide variety of music for me.”
cite source by last name
-
Douglas C. Wadle, an Adjunct Professor at the California institute Of the Arts School of Music, dissects the intention behind unconventional music notes. Thi
I sense the need for a transition, don't you?
-
“Compared with younger listeners, older listeners rated consonant chords as less pleasant and dissonant chords as more pleasant. Older listeners also had less distinct neural representations of consonant and dissonant chords as measured using a Neural Consonance Index derived from the electrophysiological “frequency-following response.”
very interesting and relevant But use signal phrase to introduce quotation and cite source
-
Oliver Bones and Christopher Plack propose there’s c
good signal phrase and citation of source edit for subject-verb agreement: there are
-
Unless of course, a lack of emotional stimulation is present, however simply lack of emotion isn’t enough to provoke such a polar opposite response.
edit for fragment/comma splice
-
A Katherine Gillespie Vice article
Katherine Gillespie argues that
-
“Perhaps most crucially, listening to music lights up the brain’s visual cortex. Which means that as you hear a song, you’ll start associating it with memories or other images almost immediately.”
use signal phrase to introduce quotation and cite source in the sentence in which you borrow
-
s, however would fail to
edit for grammar: you seem to be missing a subject for the second sentence (also note comma splice)
-
emotivists’ hold that music elicits real emotional responses in listeners, ‘cognitivists’ argue that music simply expresses or represents emotions.” This a
please define thees terms for your reader?
-
“The distinction between perception and production is related to the distinction between cognitivism and emotivism proposed by philosophers in their analysis of emotion in music (e.g. Kivy 1989)
thanks for citation but follow MLA rather than APA, okay?
-
He suggests
who?
-
A pleasurable listening experience ignites the dopamine receptors in the brain, whereas a negative one can do the opposite, eliciting neurons associated with stress. Klaus R. Scherer & Marcel R. Zentner determine to decipher whether or not this connection is intentional.
okay: make sure to cite the author's last name in the first sentence in which you draw from the source. You might want to start with a topic sentence first before diving into source material, however.
-
I’m going to analyze what happens to the brain when you hear certain songs, what attracts people to them, what pushes them away.
I wonder if you might include this question earlier--as in the very beginning--to help focus this opening paragraph
-
or so a generation has children, subsequently being exposed to the music of their child’s generation.
rephrase for clarity?
-
passion for music has given me an almost urgent motive to
okay good but let the research drive this discussion, okay?
-
he 3 decades
three decades
-
inauthentic, it’s become
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
-
There appears to be a common consensus among consumers that music has had a decline in quality
My sense is that this sentence is much too tentative and general to work. Can you begin in a more assertive and focused way?
-
Gillespie, Katherine. Vice. https://www.vice.com/en_au/article/43bxpn/the-science-behind-musics-nostalgic-power 15 October, 2019.
title of episode? date of airing?
-
Wadle, Douglas C. “Meaningful scribbles: An Approach to Textual Analysis of Unconventional Musical Notations. The Journal of Music & Meaning, Vol. 9, Winter 2010. 11 October, 2008. Journal of Music & Meaning. http://jmm9.musicandmeaning.net/#post3 http://www.musicandmeaning.net/articles/JMM9/DouglasWadleJMM9.pdf. 3 November, 2019
APA By my count, you are missing: a third peer reviewed article and a personal interview, right?
-
Bones, Oliver. Plack, Christopher. Losing the music: Aging Affects the Connection and Subcortical Neural Representation of Musical Harmony. The Journal of Neuroscience. (2015) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/273124340_Losing_the_Music_Aging_Affects_the_Perception_and_Subcortical_Neural_Representation_of_Musical_Harmony 15 October, 2019.
pretty goo form, although other sources seem to be in APA rather than MLA format
-
On my second draft, I still feel I had some structural issues. I revisited my introduction and tried to eliminate any argumentative sentiments. I added a peer reviewed source about musical annotations, I have not yet conducted a second case study interview however am considering doing so for draft # 3.
Please follow the template given for post writes (on our course web page).
-
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christianc23.edublogs.org christianc23.edublogs.org
-
NCAA recently passed the law that would allow college athletes to be paid
cite source
-
now if you look
why the shift to "you"?
-
there merchandising.
their
-
less scholarships given as.
fewer given.
-
ecause fewer then 2% of all Division one athletes actually go pro, meaning that the other 98% of these student athletes are left with no professional sports salary a
cite source
-
Division one
capitalize first letters of each word?
-
The reason for this being, division one athletes are far more likely to make it to the next level compared to division two or even three athletes.
fragment
-
Majority of a Division one schools profits come from there athletics.
cite source?
-
As this proves true in the very commonly term “Student- athlete, student coming first followed by athlete second”.
fragment Is this a quotation? If so, what is your source?
-
(Legally)
not sure what this means--explain?
-
In my personal opinion, I believe that these athletes should benefit from their successes and likeliness.
remember your purpose: this is an inquiry and research driven essay, not an opinion piece
-
there name.
their name
-
that work out
typo: the writing seems very rough so far
-
untry, as well as b
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
-
ikeliness of their name
rephrase? likeness?
-
since forever,
can you be more precise (in writing, that is expected)
-
recently passed the law that would allow college athletes to be paid.
No list of Works Cited? That is very concerning
-
-
creilly17.edublogs.org creilly17.edublogs.org
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Without the tech used today we wouldn’t have the ability to suppress the common cold.
please explain
-
I interviewed my mother about this
no need to say this but simply cite her in text, okay?
-
make their phones with low radations level. The iPhone 7 Plus gives off 1.20 radiation while the Samsung Galaxy Note 8 gave off 0.17 radiation!
cite source
-
The limit that a phone can give off is 1.6W/kg.
cite source
-
”About half of U.S. smartphone owners check their devices several times an hour or more frequently, including 11% who say they check it every few minutes and 41% who check it a few times an hour. Another 20% of Americans claim to check their phones about once an hour, leaving 28% who check them less frequently.” (Newport 2015)
thanks for the citation (leave our the date in text, though) not sure how this source speaks to the effect on the brain, however
-
This research was conducted out of Princeton, NJ, showed t
rephrase, again, to introduce quotations more smoothly:
Research out of Princeton, New Jersey, shows that . . .
-
all a tick now
typo?
-
My father is a network engineer and works on the computer all day long and it is very stressful for him, he comes home sometimes wiped out. I interviewed him and asked about what it’s like to work with computers and with people you use a computer all day long. He told me that his co-workers get mostly distracted when they have big projects to get done.
you seem to have drifted a bit from the point of the paragraph, no? use topic sentence to guide you?
-
belive
typo
-
is something you
why the shift to "you"? note comma splice, here and elsewhere
-
On average a person looks at his or her phone 150 times per day
cite source
-
One that I find to be most destructive is dangerous distractions, in the article it states,”As technology and interruption become more and more prevalent, the negative consequences of not paying attention become more pronounced”.
a couple of areas to work on here: edit for comma splice (using a comma like a period) also, please introduce the quotation more seamlessly: which article? please cite author's last name
-
here are multiple reasons that are causing us to be more distant from each other such as eye contact, phone skills, spatial awareness, dangerous distractions, and attention span.
cite source?
-
t has shown us that we are so connected to our devices that we can’t go a minute without looking down at our screens.
true enough
-
As much as I love technology, I personally believe that it has been making a huge impact on us.
not sure if I understand your meaning, nor am I sure why this statement is included
-
Overtime
two words: Over time
-
Has technology changed the way we think?
good, direct opening
-
https://www.ted.com/talks/chuck_nice_a_funny_look_at_the_unintended_consequences_of_technology?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRAEqCvLmp4 https://libertyclassicalacademy.org/technology-affects-social-skills/ (Source 1) https://news.gallup.com/poll/184046/smartphone-owners-check-phone-least-hourly.aspx (Source 2) https://www.pewresearch.org/science/2016/07/26/public-sees-science-and-technology-as-net-positives-for-society/
These sources are not listed in MLA format Please begin with the author's last name, first name, title of the source, date of publication, URL (if web), date of access. I don't see three peer reviewed sources obtained via a database, or a personal testimony listed
-
the audience really helps me understand the prompt.
good: can you explain how?
-
my memoir.
interesting that you've had experience with that genre
-
-
bdaniello2019.edublogs.org bdaniello2019.edublogs.org
-
were more successful after graduating.
than . . . .
-
Finally the journal of Vocational and Educational training also conducted a study
cite source
-
Over 70% of those asked rated it as an ‘A’ or a ‘B’, and 60% of them said they personally considered returning to school
good data: please cite source
-
As of 2018 there were 30.8 million small businesses in America, that created 1.9 million new jobs
cite source and link to your subject more explicitly?
-
From the article based upon the study; “An inductive approach was used to identify themes based on youth’s narratives. Four themes emerged within the data: inability to pay for education, changes in educational/career goals, prioritizing of resources, and feelings of hopelessness/helplessness.” I think the inability to pay for school was a given for some people during the time, t
I am not sure what the focus of this paragraph is: Can you revise your topic sentence to give it a clearer focus?
-
A student study was conducted by Texas State University this past July.
cite source?
-
injured out of his professional boxing career
rephrase for clarity: left boxing during to an injury
-
proceeding I inquired
rephrase and repunctuate
-
, when
edit for comma splices here and elsewhere
-
per batem
verbatim?
-
think that experience is always a good safety net.
shouldn't you be drawing from the research rather than merely offering your opinion?
-
most likely give you the answer that their industry belongs with, more tech oriented jobs rely heavier on education, whereas more vocational jobs appreciate more experience .
edit for comma splice, although I see your hypothesis
-
you
why the shift to "you"?
-
Arguments happen every day, some monumental in emotional weight others petite in stature. There are a plethora of topics that are argued to death every day by millions of people, many of the arguments not at all pertaining to either party, but what not many people debate is just our normal 9-5.
this opening seems very general to me
-
Bristol Libraries Remote Access, www.bristolcc.edu:2054/ehost/detail/detail?vid=5&sid=eb1b2fa5-0b44-4358-b831-4546f7f5309d%40sessionmgr4008&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3D%3D#AN=19773763&db=ap
not in MLA format. Remember to begin with author's last name, alphabetically arranged. That should be followed by first name, title of the article, date of publication name of database, doc. number, and date of access.
I think I see two peer reviewed articles. Remember to have three, and two popular sources and one personal testimony
-
BIB page
call this "Works Cited"
-
What do you think? Is a higher education necessary for success? Should experience be held in a higher regard in today’s world?
try to keep your questions focused on the writing as writing, okay?
-
But writing this I tried not to answer the question while being biased to one side
glad to hear it
-
-
andrewrenaux1.edublogs.org andrewrenaux1.edublogs.org
-
Schuit.
who is?
-
Scientists are adamant that an insecticide, known as neonicotinoids (or neonics) is causing damage to our bees that can never be undone.
cite source
-
tats and that can again be a side effect of climate changes.
cite source
-
Understanding the direct link of bee survival to human survival, i
Once we understand . . .
-
Ted Denard, Co-Founder of the Bee Cause project).
good: last name sufficient intent
-
One such program is Whole Foods. They offer a grant to inspire schools to encourage their students to becomes beekeepers.
cite source
-
Early education about bee’s existence would be an easy, cost-effective
remember your purpose is not to advocate but to inquire and explore
-
1990’s, beekeepers have noticed a decline in the honeybee population and high rates of collapse within colonies. Beekeepers have reported between 30-50% higher rates of hive loss.
cite source
-
, Since
since
-
bees pollinate 80% of all plants on the earth and are solely responsible for our agricultural success.
please cite source
-
Mother Earths Morning
Mother Earth's
-
Work cited page Duran, Leah. “The Buzz on Climate Change: It’s Bad for Bees.” ConservationInternational, 19 Aug. 2017, www.conservation.org/blog/the-buzz-on-climate-change-its-bad-for-bees. environment, america. “No Bees, No Food.” Environment America, environmentamerica.org/feature/ame/no-bees-no-food. “Honey Bee Educational Experiences.” Kickstarter, 29 Feb. 2016, www.kickstarter.com/projects/1359200570/honeybee-educational-experiences. “Whole Kids Foundation: Bee Grant.” Whole Kids Foundation | Bee Grant, www.wholekidsfoundation.org/programs/honey-bee-hive-grant.
Works Cited not quite in MLA format please provide author's names for all sources Please include three peer reviewed articles obtained by a database Please include a personal interview
-