has been done and it was shown that multitasking is not an effective learning method
cite source
has been done and it was shown that multitasking is not an effective learning method
cite source
However, on the other hand,
would you use both these phrases?
s an easy learning tool, instead
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
Also, it is very easy for addictions to occur which allows depression to arise when devices aren’t in reach.
cite source
facetime which affects
Facetime, which affects
he great tools technology can be for learning for granted by over using it to cheat or take the easy way out. F
cite source
Studies show that the rise in technology affects students’ social skill when they have to put down the phone and talk to people.
cite source
It has been concluded that electronic usage has contributed to problems in teens and adults such as problems functioning as needed, problems with concentration, and insomnia
okay--important points--but cite source, please
multi-task, however their attention spans become shorter because of this.
edit for comma splice
https://www.theedadvocate.org/dark-side-educational-technology/ https://kidslox.com/blog/top-5-negative-effects-of-technology-you-even-dont-suspect/ https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2017/Attention-Spans-in-the-Age-of-Technology
not in MLA format You don't seem to have three peer reviewed source or a personal interview
worth trying because of how much it could help in the classroom.
I don't see a post write.
Rather than just saying ‘I am right brained, I am only capable of creating.’ Meditation allows you to instead say, ‘I have full control of my mind, I am capable of anything.”
powerful. edit punctuation?
Let me explain, this is in
edit for comma splice
mediation practitioners.
cite source in text
last time you
do you wish to address the reader directly throughout this draft?
2 Web Sources
Please combine into one list, alphabetically arranged by author's last name or major word of title
I see that you are pulling quotations but not integrating them within your draft--I'd be glad to help
While drafting im struggling to really pull this piece together. I have a completed introduction and all of the quotes I intend on using from all of my sources, I just dont know where to begin with placement and really composing this piece. Having to tie together so many sources is intimidating to me. A poor second draft in my opinion, although the final draft will come together.
I'd be glad to help.
(Tv)
author?
We, as people, still wonder why some people react in some ways and that’s why were have psychology to further understand ourselves. Understanding ourselves and the way we think will help us better
I wonder whether you will need to sharpen this topic sentence to make it more accurately reflect the message of the paragraph
but were the first brain originated billions of years ago
please rephrase
how often the sounds that birds make suggest the emotions that we might feel in similar circumstances: soft notes like lullabies while calmly warming their eggs or nestlings; mournful cries while helplessly watching an intruder at their nests; harsh or grating sounds while threatening or attacking an enemy…Birds so frequently respond to events in tones such as we might use that we suspect their emotions are similar to our own.”(Bekoff).
interesting Please set off long quotations?
in “It is remarkable
edit for punctuation (fused sentence)
when chimpanzees are aggressive towards another member of the group, it may cause that individual to leave the group after repeated attacks. This shows us that the chimpanzee can remember what happened to it in the past, and make a decision to do something about its experiences” (
try to set off long quotations or integrate the quotations more smoothly within your own writing?
In the same article published by the Victoria State Government, there was an example of an animal with a higher level of consciousness:
should you start a new paragraph?
call this materialism
please explain
into objects, for people we would
edit for comma splice and phrasing?
Department)
author?
to humans, “hermit
edit for punctuation? lead into quotation?
consciousness is a hermit crab.
in-text citation?
It is believed that some animals have a higher level of consciousness than others.
please cite source again, I would suggest avoiding the passive construction and begin with something like this, "Some researchers believe that . . . . "
has been formed.
again, oddly passive construction
It is believed
oddly passive phrasing: why not sate, Animals do have consciousness?
guess off
guess based on the way. . . .
Works Cited
please follow MLA format I don't believe I see three peer reviewed sources or a personal interview
do have consciousness
I see no post write
Talk about ecosystem destruction (examples such as deforestation for direct human interaction and a more passive climate change example, like ice melting on mountains)
I see that this draft is not yet ready for full evaluation. I strongly recommend that you finish the draft and submit it for some kind of review--I'd be glad ti pie you a verbal review.
he plant and animal life is losing balance,
are losing
rephrase?
occuring,
spelling
Climate Change
why capitalize?
Batir, Joseph F., et al. “Ten Years of Measurements and Modeling of Soil Temperature Changes and Their Effects on Permafrost in Northwestern Alaska.” Global and Planetary Change, Elsevier, 23 Nov. 2016, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0921818116303034?via=ihub.
date of access?
Blanchfield, Deirdre S, editor. 14 June 2017. Blanchfield , Deirdre S, editor. 17 Nov. 2017. Cobb, Allan B, editor. 1 Jan. 2010. Freedman, Bill, editor. 30 Aug. 2017
not in MLA format
I don't see a personal interview, nor three peer reviewed sources obtained via. databases
Sullivan remembers and will never forget the dead man’s mother rocking back and forth in the chair at the hearing, knowing and saying, “I know my baby didn’t do this.” Sullivan states that he will never forget that moment.
powerful testimony but I'd like you to integrate your interview findings more smoothly throughout this draft: they seem an add on
from his vacation, he gets arrested, tried,
rephrase for parallelism (redudant subject)
he gets
note shift in tense
who then
who
here is a TED talk called “How I help free innocent people” with a speaker by the name of Ronald Sullivan.
please revise this transition and topic sentence to make it more meaningful and informative
Within the false confessions, there is always the fault of bad lawyers especially when it comes to confessions. T
If this is your topic sentence, you may have to work on focusing the message in this paragraph
puts a toll o
takes a toll
Then, there is always false confessions.
I would rephrase to make this statement more informative and grammatically sound
Witness memory needs to be preserved carefully; it is hard to keep track of every order of events.
a very important observation: good
Another reason
see my earlier comment about transitions: keep working to build meaningful connections.
what happened are confirmed
is confirmed
Next,
I appreciate that you are trying to set up transitions here but I wonder if you could devise more meaningful connections?
often described as “tunnel vision,”
this phrase or clause doesn't seem to follow what comes before it: I sense the need for a transition?
ase may be high-profile and the police want to act quickly and not take all evidence into account (Campbell and Denov, 143)
good use of source: I'm assuming that you are paraphrasing
Such a simple question, but a complex answer
edit for fragment
Works Cited
personal interview?
aasa, Suzanne O., et al. “False Accusations in an Investigative Context: Differences between Suggestible and Non-Suggestible Witnesses.” Behavioral Sciences & the Law, vol. 31, no. 5, Sept. 2013, pp. 574–592. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1002/bsl.2075.
I believe I see two peer reviewed sources?
“Causes of Wrongful Convictions.” The University of Michigan Law School, www.law.umich.edu/clinical/innocenceclinic/Pages/wrongfulconvictions.aspx.
this listing seems incomplete to me Please supply last name and first name of author, together with relevant dates of publication and access
Denov, Myriam, and Kathryn Campbell. “Introduction.” Canadian Journal of Criminology & Criminal Justice, vol. 46, no. 2, Jan. 2004, p. 101. EBSCOhost, doi:10.3138/cjccj.46.2.101.
will need to reformat but this looks close to MLA form
I annotated all my sources to understand them more
glad to hear it: how did that work? what did you learn in the process?
Many opponents to stricter gun control claim guns aren’t the problem, rather mental health needs to be solely addressed without changing gun availability.
see my earlier comment about loss of purpose in this essay
Many people support and advocate for what they call “common-sense gun control”, but what people call common sense varies between people
I'm sensing a loss of purpose. You seem to be in advocacy mode whereas the essay should be exploratory and in inquiry mode
Eastern Europe, the study still does disprove the theory that more guns equal more death.
You might acknowledge the differences in political and governmental structures across these nations
Conversely, Norway had the 2nd lowest murder rate at .81 murders per 100,000 people but had the 2nd highest rate of gun ownership at 36,000 guns per 100,000 people
cite source again
Don B. Kates).
okay: good use of source--last name of author enough for in-text citation per MLA
aws, however, is
edit for comma use (comma splice), here and elsewhere
What guns can be owned as well as things like ammunition
rephrase? What guns and ammunition can be owned?
more controversial topic, with a rise in mass shootings, people and politicians have been proposing solutions stricter gun control
please edit for comma splices
Kates, Don B., and Gary A. Mauser. “Would Banning Firearms Reduce Murder and Suicide? A Review of International Evidence.” SSRN Electronic Journal, 2006, doi:10.2139/ssrn.998893. Sen, Bisakha, and Anantachai Panjamapirom. “State Background Checks for Gun Purchase and Firearm Deaths: An Exploratory Study.” Preventive Medicine, Academic Press, 29 July 2012, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0091743512003295#! Swanson, Jeffrey W., et al. “Mental Illness and Reduction of Gun Violence and Suicide: Bringing Epidemiologic Research to Policy.” Annals of Epidemiology, Elsevier, 29 Apr. 2014, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S104727971400147
I can't be sure but these three sources could be peer reviewed: please include the name of the database used.
Also, you are missing two popular but credible sources and a personal interview.
prevent people who are at a high risk of future violence from obtaining firearms.
I don't see a postwrite.
There are so many twist and turns in our lives , some just have different paths and struggles
edit for comma splice
Bullying has become a worldwide occurrence especially between young adults
transition?
(Journal of Public Health Nov. 2011 Vol.32 pg.434
not in MLA format
The association between obesity and psychological problems were e
association . . . was
Obesity can be associated with mental health, especially in adolescence years
I sense the need for a transition, don't you?
most funniest guy
funniest guy
personally though
typo
Congress created the Intragency Working Group (IWG) in order to improve the nutritional profile of children diets, especially in schools.
note another long paragraph: it seems to me that you should break this paragraph up and start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence
for food on TV, computer ads, also how accessible it is for young adults to get this bad food in their hands.
note problem with parallelism here and elsewhere
were homozygous
think of your reader: please explain
You might ask yourself why do they do this, well the reason is the body is fighting like you have an infection, the change in your body is out of the norm and your body wants to be back in that normality of excess weight.
please edit for comma splices
As your
why the shift to "your"?
”Leptin is one of the most important derived hormone and its role is to regulate the bodies weight through the inhibitors of food intake and stimulates energy.” ( International Journal Vol.30 pg.513)
I sense the need for a transition to this quotation. I also appreciate the in-text citation but it is not in MLA format
metabolic,
this is an adjective, no? Do you have a noun?
and how it has affected his life and our families
and will be discussing how
I notice a challenge with parallel structure
ave and still struggle
have struggled and still struggle with
obesity and overweigh
how are these different?
Article Pediatryia named after A.N Speransky Sept/Oct 2014 Vol.93 Issue Pg.19-23 5pg. International Journal of Obesity Dec.2006 Supplement 4 Vol.30 Pg.511-517 Journal of Public Health Policy Nov.2011 Vol.32 Issue 4 Pg.430-444 Interview with Mario DeAlmeida on October 6 2019 Article Obesity Among Young Adults in Developing Countries: A Systematic Overview, Amudha Poobalan and Lorna Aucott P.1-3 HBO Documentary “ Weight of The Nation” Episodes1 & 3
These are not in MLA format yet>. It's hard for me to tell whether you have three peer reviewed sources, two popular sources and a personal interview. I'd be glad to help.
When I started writing this paper I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know about obesity. The information I researched helped me achieve the questions that I had and furthermore made me realize how many people do really suffer with obesity. Sometimes I wondered about things that I had experienced and wondered if others had the same happenings in their lives and of course the answer is yes. The HBO documentary ended up having important information, without it I dont think the paper would have much about food and the manufacturers problems with marketing and etc. I really enjoyed writing this paper and hope that it was informative as it was informative to me . Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy.
I appreciate this note but remember to follow the questions given to you on our course page (under "post write")
during an interview also held a similar thought as mine, she s
who? cite source?
You don’t
why shift to "you"?
The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.”
I recommend that you begin your paragraphs with your own words rather than some one else's.
According to writer Anmar Frangoul
One writer states that
It’s said to believe almost half of the worlds businesses uses some form of artificial intelligence
cite source
etc
be precise
As this is true,
rephrase
You can see
why shift to"you"?
he stated “Ya, it could be negative if people rely on it too much…Harmful? Maybe in the future
cite source
Funnily enough,
Funny
self-driving component which is
edit for comma use
today’s society is for increased safety and relianc
rephrase for clarity?
is raising
is rising
that play
that plays
is ‘recommender systems’
there are "recommender systems"
are listening into our conversations.
and are using algorithms to replicate our buying habits
Have you
why address the reader directly? to whom exactly are you addressing yourself?
Sources:
Works Cited
really hard to read--please reformat this list. Hard for me to tell what kinds of sources you have here
It has been scientifically proven that men are biologically stronger than women
cite source
drew in about 2 billion views in while the women’s only brought in about 120 Million
cite source
world cup
capitalize
What they don’t know is that sometimes the women are getting more than the men. 2010 in South Africa the Men’s World Cup made 4 Billion dollars, the Women’s World Cup made 73 Million dollars. That is 54 more times than the women.
I don't follow: you claim that women make more than men yet you follow with evidence to the contrary: I'm confused
e NBA
cap source?
How ever
However
The NBA made a profit of 1.7 Billion dollars in 2018 while the WNBA only made 41 Million dollars.
cite source
why are men’s sports and women’s sports looked at so differently by society
I wonder if you might be a bit more precise when you write "differently"?
I have plenty more research to do and I have to also figure out a eay to put in the interview section
I don't see a list of Works Cited, nor a post write I am flying blind without the WC list
emotions, however, the emotions t
edit for comma splice
etc.
try to be precise
Color psychology
not MLA format
where you
why the shift to "you"?
from certain colors, is it innate
edit for comma splice
This leads into another question, are humans born with certain emotions already associated to certain colors, or are these relationships gained through personal life experiences
you will need to lead into this question--it seems quite a jump to get there
In this article, the question of is blue more trustworthy than red, in this quote, the importance of color in the brand logo is discussed, as it is said to significantly influence purchasing decisions of consumers, of course, the color of the brand logo is not the only factor in consumer purchasing decisions.
please break up this long paragraph and double check your topic sentences for paragraph focus/logic
2006; Henderson & Cote, 1998) and their attitudes toward the brand (Jun, Cho, & Kwon, 2008)
APA not MLA format
In an article by, Lixun Su, Annie Peng Cui, and Michael F. Walsh, “A brand logo
you will need to work on your signal phrasing when leading into quotations In their article . . . . Pen Cut and Michael . . . find that
voke higher cortical arousal
remember your reader: please elaborate and explain in your own words
valence of the participants,
remember your reader--please explain
how are these colors affecting their mood or emotions.
rephrase: how these colors affect our mood
relating to color, although this is just an idiom, it shows that humans relate the color blue to the emotion of sadnes
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
you are
why the shift to "you"?
in Humans
necessary?
affect emotion, if so how, and is our emotional response to colors innate or learned?
edit for punctuation?
Works Cited
include personal interview
ult, Alicia. “Ask Smithsonian: How Do Colors Affect Our Moods?” Smithsonian.com, Smithsonian Institution, 15 Dec. 2015,
if we source, please give URL and date of access
Su, Lixun, et al. “TRUSTWORTHY BLUE OR UNTRUSTWORTHY RED: THE INFLUENCE OF COLORS ON TRUST.” Journal of Marketing Theory and Practice, 18 July 2019. Wilms, Lisa, and Daniel Oberfeld. “Color and Emotion: Effects of Hue, Saturation, and Brightness.” Psychological Research, vol. 82, no. 5, 2017, pp. 896–914., doi:10.1007/s00426-017-0880-8.
please name database
pps, Helen H., Naz, Kaya. “Relationship Between Color and Emotion: A Study of College Students” College Student Journal, Sept 2004.
from database? if so, please name database?
In all of those assignments we were required to use a database to find reliable sources.
good to know
The life of a veteran can be a very stressful situation. Between understanding their benefits, acclimating back into society, and finding a good career path, there is always something that is going to need to be informed. All these topics are meant to inform so that veterans have an easier time with coming back to the civilian life. Benefits include GI bill, VA and pension. Social life includes the struggles of PTSD and the impact of a veteran on society. Lastly, finding a career path is stressful but they are out there and people are trying to help veterans by using their skills
end paragraph and paper hear? This paragraph to this point is done well.
military veterans, some have it easier than others but there are
edit for comma splice
“Effectively harness military medics’ skills and experiences to meet identified health delivery needs” (
fragment: try to integrate source better?
Another topic about career paths opposes struggles to find jobs, instead this article discusses turning combat nurses into the medical field employees.
edit for comma splice
“Lobs that
typo
civilian life is not easy, the process is long and stressful but sometimes it is worth it in the end.
edit for comma splice
In a peer reviewed article, another topic on social life after serving appeared.
again, a very awkward, passive construction and one a sentence that seems abrupt, needing transition
when you
why the shift to "you"?
Marines,com
not MLA form
Social life is hard to accumulate
not sure what this means
GoArmy.com)
not MLA form
is powerfu
is a
payed
paid
than he
then he
I asked him what types of benefits h
in your next draft, might you leave your questions out and seamlessly integrate his answers into your well-focused paragraphs?
was gathered
seems an odd, passive way to state this
ould homelessness in military be caused by the lack of knowledge about post service opportunities
a very important question
help the community, this is very
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere?
and benefits, one issue returning to civilian life is PTS
edit for comma splice
Another topic about a veteran’s experience is their social life/personal life.
I sense that you are trying to do too much in this first paragraph: can you break it up, include topic sentences to begin each new paragraph?
a veteran can have from GI Bill to pension; a
not sure I follow--please rephrase?
In an interview with a veteran E-4 Corporal Dupre, it was discussed that a veteran has numerous benefits obtained from their service.
Do you want this to be your first, body paragraph? Where does your introduction end? I'm hard pressed to see this.
but in this essay,
but, in this essay,
Returning to the civilian life is very stressful, the overwhelming obligations
rephrase? you seem to have two incomplete sentences here?
Works Cited
I count two peer reviewed sources. Am I right?
Hoge, W Charles. “Combat Duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, Mental Health Problems to Care.” U,S. Army Medical Department Journal, 2008, http://www.bristolcc.edu:2068/ehost/detail/detail?vid=6&sid=0a9edaf6-65aa-4398-85a0-ba19c67ad7c6%40pdc-v-sessmgr04&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#AN=35600233&db=mth
okay but include date of access at end?
peoples
people's
through social media, however boys
edit for comma splice
Ones wel
One's
Which means the extreme fear of not being included or missing a social event.
fragment
oneself
note the shift from you to one to . . . .
your constantly
you are
With the intensity of the online world, seeking acceptance and staying connected with peers is an important element of their social life. (Amedie)
good use of source This paragraph, by the way, has a good, clear focus
While others, that see these pictures may feel jealous, depressed or even suicidal due to the fact that their own life isn’t as “perfect” as those that they see on, Facebook and Instagram.
fragment
can make you
why the shift to "you"?
Affecting negative mental health, and low self esteem by comparing of materialistic things and lifestyles, that these sites promote (Searing).
fragment
Linda Searing states, the time spent on social media, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, and how it can affect young people’s mental health
fragment
can make someone feel better about themselves.
you need a subject for this sentence
your getting attention
you are
your not r
you are
Talking about yourself, showing off your life and accomplishments
fragment
causes you to feel pleasure
you need. a subject for this sentence
When individua
Wehn an individual
ead to sleep problems, and increased risk for cyber bullying, which has been tied to symptoms of depression, and result in unrealistic comparisons of yourself and your life to those of others seen on social media.
cite source
Researcher’s suspect
Researchers suspect
filtered photo’s
photos
While your
why the shift to "you"?
This leads me to my question, ” how does social media affect the way we think?”.
I sense that you are missing a step or link before you get to this question, no?
means of communication, they are
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
Work Cited :
Please follow MLA format I can't tell who kinds of sources and how many you have. Do you have an interview?
states, that the
states that the
Thriving malls have found ways to host events that increased foot traffic therefore individuals are more likely to enter these retail spaces.
edit for fused sentence
Ashley English states
English states
Ashley English states
English states
is crime and lack of security.
is security
In the article “Shopping Online for Freedom, Control and Fun” states that customers who shop online have a better experience because they have more independence and control (Gilly and Wolfinbarger
In a study, Gilly and Wllinbarger find that . . .
Walmart acts as more than a department store with grocery, pharmacy, appliance, pet supply, toys, home & garden
good point
In the article “Business Churn and the Retail Giant Establishment Birth and Death from Walmart’s entry” states
One expert states. . . .
many of the big box retailers are still thriving and can impact stores in a shopping mall.
I see that you are creating a transition to the next section? good
The article “Analyzing Retail Store Closures” c
you don't need to name the title of the article in text but could supply the author's last name
Bankruptcy is when
Bankruptcy occurs when
Bankruptcy can have a huge impact on malls.
do you need aa transition here?