- Nov 2019
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andrewrenaux1.edublogs.org andrewrenaux1.edublogs.org
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hanges that will save our world.
I don't see a post write
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yileimis19.edublogs.org yileimis19.edublogs.org
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ignorance, its
edit for comma splice and apostrophe use
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he most hardest
hardest
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nsel’s TED Talk, he goes into detail about how society views
a new paragraph?
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ange from damage within the DNA to simply missing a code from a cell. The DNA duplicates this error with many other DNA molecules thus creating a genetic condition or disease.
cite source
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ou mom.
your?
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Genetics have played a long role in human development for ages.
transition?
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Ruby Wax’s TED Talk about mental illness she
In her TED talk, Was discusses
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gets transmitted by a region in the brain known as the amygdala. This region of the brain is responsible for regulating emotional responses such as fear
cite source
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that the affected witness could develop PTSD.
cite source
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shape you
why shift to "you"?
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the greatest most
greatest
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oung adults with suicidal ideations. This went up 47% (going from 7.0% to 10.3%)
cite source
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In between these years, the rate of adolescents who had major depression increased up to 52% (going from 8.7% to 13.2%). In young adults ages 18-25 with major depression, this increased up to 63% (moving from (8.1% to 13.2%). T
These are helpful facts. Might you begin the paragraph by focusing on the impact of social media on mental states? Focus, okay?
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ounger generation.
generation:
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worthless
worthlessness?
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These standards have been known to be the leading cause in mental illness.
if this is the case, perhaps you should start the paragraph with a topic sentence like this, no?
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Women are told that they should have a “curvy body” and “nice hair” to appeal to the opposite sex. The same goes for men
You seem to have lost the thread of your question, no? I get the sense that you are very wide of your mark at this point: can you return to your question?
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The same thing goes for society
I don't know what this means
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he colors orange and black a
is this the title of a show?
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It is no shock to anyone how society holds a powerful influence over people
not sure what this means
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it is believed that cultural trends, traumatic events, and mutations in genetics may be the leading causes of mental illnesses.
I suspect you may want to trim this opening paragraph to get to your research question sooner
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preferably
is this the right word?
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at you
"why the shift to 'you"?
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Work Cited Britt, et al. “Stigma of Mental Health Problems in the Military.” OUP Academic, Oxford University Press, 1 Feb. 2007, https://academic.oup.com/milmed/article/172/2/157/4578015. Jacobson, Sheri, et al. “Tough Childhood? The Effects of Trauma on Your Brain.” Harley Therapy™ Blog, 11 Oct. 2019, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/childhood-effects-of-trauma.htm. “Mental Health Issues Increased Significantly in Young Adults over the Last Decade.” ScienceDaily, ScienceDaily, 15 Mar. 2019, https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/03/190315110908.htm. “The State of Mental Health in America: Mental Health America.” Mha, https://www.mhanational.org/issues/state-mental-health-america. Wax, Ruby. “Transcript of ‘What’s so Funny about Mental Illness?”.” TED, TED Talk, https://www.ted.com/talks/ruby_wax_what_s_so_funny_about_mental_illness/transcript?language=en#t-254218. Wlassoff, Viatcheslav. “How Does Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Change the Brain?” Brain Blogger How Does PostTraumatic Stress Disorder Change the Brain Comments, https://www.brainblogger.com/2015/01/24/how-does-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-change-the-brain/. Post Write
please remove numbering and alphabetize I don't see three peer reviewed articles obtained by a database here, nor do I see an interview listed Remember to include dates of access
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enjoyed this assignment due to the flexibility of writing.
glad to hear it
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tynishatorres.edublogs.org tynishatorres.edublogs.org
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as found
typo
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It seems that a lot on thing were happening in the 1970’s.
revise topic sentence to be more substantive?
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that a lot on thing
rephrase?
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“Planarians (flatworms) are potentially the first large-scale regenerative model for dissecting the molecular details of both regeneration and cancer in adults. Controlling cell growth is a central task in both cancer and epimorphic regeneration.
is this all a quotation? please punctuate properly and cite source: I'm getting concerned about the lack of transparency in your use of source material
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but countless more studies need
edit for punctuation
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ith osteoblast
which are?
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“Combining the insight gained from space-based investigations together with data from on-ground culture models that are capable of sustaining the culture conditions observed in space could afford a new approach to the study of cancer.”
please introduce quotation and cite source
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As to how gravity is a huge factor on tumor cell growth
fragment
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In a research conducted by Jeanne L. Becker and Glauco R. Souza, they co
In their research, Becker and . . . .
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Some people think out of the box
Can you provide a more information topic sentence?
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Billions of dollars are spent annually on cancer research. Yet, despite some progress in some cancers, the majority of patients with advanced cancer still have few good treatment options. In recent years, the concept of biomarker-guided treatment has swept through cancer research. But despite some promising results, the hoped-for benefits to patients have not been widely realized.
given the length and complexity of this quotation, I recommend you spend more time commenting on it and you should cite the author
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In an article by Journal of Law, Medicine & Ethics. Is Cancer Solvable? Towards Efficient and Ethical Biomedical Science (fall2019)
this should go into the Works Cited list. For now, give author's last name
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That feeling of being useless, of not being able to know how it was going to turn out, and asking myself ove and over again, will there ever be cure?
fragment
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(interview someone with knowledge on the topic)
note to yourself? you haven't interview someone yet? Not sure I see the importance of this paragraph
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Based on 2013-2015 data, 38.4% of men and women will be diagnosed with some form of cancer in their lifetime.
useful statistic, although you hide it in the middle of this paragraph Please cite source
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There are more than 100 types of cancer.
please cite source
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Can cancer be Cured?
in titles capitalize the first letters of first and last words and major words: try to be consistent
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Journal of Law, Medicine & Ethics. Fall2019, Vol. 47 Issue 3, p362-368. 7p. 2 Graphs. Using space-based investigations to inform cancer research on Earth. April 12, 2013 Regeneration: The origin of cancer or a possible cure? April 14, 2009 This Bogus Cancer Cure From The 1970s Is Finding New Life Online, https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/stephaniemlee/apricot-seeds-cancer Can common cold virus cure cancer? https://www.foxnews.com/health/can-common-cold-virus-cure-cancer
Note that these sources are not listed in MLA format I can't be sure but fI don't believe you have three peer reviewed articles here, nor do I see a personal interview listed.
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torlowski0830.edublogs.org torlowski0830.edublogs.org
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So while people may have similar situations.
fragment
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lead me
led
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During an Interview with Psychology professor Zahm,
can you provide a more substantive transition and topic sentence
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Another situation as stated before is someone convincing themselves that the lie they’ve created is actually true. This happens mainly when someone has told a lie and tells it all throughout their life, they eventually believe it themselves.
I get the sense that you've lost your thread in this paragraph--want to revisit your topic sentence?
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your memory
why the shift to "your"?
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“Although lying requires adequate performance from one’s memory, a wealth of research stemming from the last several decades has revealed that memory is reconstructive and malleable in nature. Several studies have demonstrated that one’s original memory for an event can be revised spontaneously or altered when suggestive information is provided by credible others.”
set apart long quotations?
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she is, therefore she lies.
edit for comma splice
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Making it possible for them to lie.
forget
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Not caring what the lie will affect.
fragment
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Dr. Orloff, Judith, psychiatrist and Author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide”
into Works Cited Edit signal phrase: One scholar discusses. . . .
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In the article The Pinocchio effect and the Cold Stress Test: Lies and thermography
put into Works Cited--for now cite author only
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physical reasons
not sure what you mean
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I’d be lying myself if I said I never told a lie
not sure why you enter this discussion
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five categories: cognition, achievement, action/plan/whereabouts, explanation, and fact/property”
please comment further and explain these categories
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they
who?
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“DePaulo et al. (1996)
I appreciate the citation but you are using APA rather than MLA format
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Are you
why the shift to "you"?
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I’ve been through so many different situations with others lying. Some have ruined my whole relationship with a person. I’ve also grown up with pathological liars in my everyday life. It used to hurt and even anger me. Now, it has peaked my curiosity. In today’s world, lying is becoming more and more normal in everyday conversations. Making sense of the truth itself fade. I want to grasp an understanding of why almost all of us lie.
not sure what this paragraph is supposed to be doing here (seems more appropriate for a short answer reflection?
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“My phone died that’s why I couldn’t text you back.” As it shows they were on social media the entire time. “I didn’t do it!” says the child that had snuck candy before dinner. These are examples of such simple yet unnecessary lies. Why do we do it.
not sure why this is its own paragraph. As a general rule I would begin each paragraph with a topic sentence rather than a quotation or paraphrase from a source
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They lie to protect themselves and or the people around them. This research will fully dwell in the question and truly answer it.
Your intro paragraph is very helpful
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o another as if it were the truth. M
punctuate as a question
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do it?
do what? lie or feel guilt?
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Whether is small white lies or lies so big it could change a person’s entire life
edit for fragment
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Draft #1
Draft #3?
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Works Cited
pretty good MLA form (I think you might be able to dispense with the URL if you used databases (a DOI number will suffice in that case). Are you missing a popular web-based source?
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shycahoon.edublogs.org shycahoon.edublogs.org
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the second leading cause of death between in individuals between the ages of 15-24.
stunning: maybe you should mention this earlier?
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teens life
teen's
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there may be things
can you be more precise?
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Having discussed genetics being a factor
In addition to genetics. . . .
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bout 30% of early onset anxiety is explained by family history (Pappas). I
okay: but why now more than in the past?
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ocial skills, (eye contact, public speaking, listening intently to others and socializing) are suffering, which is going to make teens more anxious when these skills are put to the test throughout their lives
evidence?
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seniors
seniors in high school
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Our parents
the shit to "our" seems abrupt to me
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and although
and, although
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many of them too young to remember a time before it
you need a verb
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gy at a rapid pace, in
note comma splice, here and elsewhere
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In fact, in 2017 a survey of 5,000 American teens found that 3 out of 4 teenagers owned an iPhone
useful stat
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the survey they
a survey conducted
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the today’s teens.
on today's teens
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According to a 2018 report by Child Mind Institute, in the last 10 years anxiety has increased by 17%, starting with pre-teens as young as 13
cite author?
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Are Teens More Anxious?
you mean, now more than in the past? or more than other age groups?
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Work cited:
Works Cited Pretty good MLA format Remember to include personal interview?
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What do you think is causing the rise in anxiety in teens? Do you think it’s something we should be concerned about?
try to focus your questions on the writing as writing
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. I had to be extra mindful to not come across biased or argumentative because that is not the purpose of this assignment. Being aware of my audience and genre also played a key role. Knowing my audience is going to determine what information I choose to share with my reader and how I choose to deliver it.
good to hear
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but also for our Professor because he doesn’t have to read the same thing over and over.
I agree completely
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had fun writing this paper because I got to pick my own question.
glad to hear it
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eng101sr.edublogs.org eng101sr.edublogs.org
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An interview conducted by me asking my sister who had gotten surgery on her leg a few years ago,
I recommend a more meaningful transition and topic sentence
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therapy, therefore which
edit for punctuation and rephrase
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Kagialari, Maria).
last name only sufficient here
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if its an
it's
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it also helped
why the shift in tense?
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more happier
happier
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(M, Kwon)”.
good--youve cited a source but why is the citation inside the quotation marks? Is someone else citing this source? Without your own list of Works Cited, I can't tell.
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In a nursing research conducted in South Korea, the department of nurses did a study on patients with Schizophrenia while they had music therapy, compared to another group of patients with Schizophrenia that did not have music therapy.
cite source
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with Schizophrenia
why capitalize?
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Just how music can improve health physically, it
rephrase as a question? and repunctuate
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Studies on people who underwent medical procedures, such as cardiac, colonoscopy or knee surgeries, show the patients who listened to music after their surgery having lower levels of anxiety and a lesser need for painkillers. In one 2006 study, one group of patients who enjoyed music after their surgery was shown to need 18.4% less morphine
cite author Note that more than half of this paragraph is made up of someone else'words: you seem to be disappearing from this paragraph
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In the fourth paragraph, i
put in in text citation
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tells
what is the subject of this verb?
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Another article CNN has posted,
again, I would cite author's name in text and work on a more effective topic and transition sentence
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perception and movement.”
please cite author, if you have one
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dopamine which
punctuate as in original?
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In the first paragraph, it states
The authors state . . .
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In an article that MindBodyGreen posted, it tells us just how music can help
I suggest putting much of this information in a Works Cited list and provide a more helpful topic sentence here
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To relax them, help them focus, to put them in a better mood, etc.
edit for fragment
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You might
why the shift to "you"?
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been known to help many people with physical and mental problems.
I don't see a Works Cited list--very concerning in a research-based paper I don't see a post write
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slevasseur12.edublogs.org slevasseur12.edublogs.org
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Another reason is because people do not feel financially stable enough to get married (
say more about this--perhaps in its own paragraph, because it gets buried here
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ocial media blowing u
what does this mean?
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Research says that 41% of marriages end in divorce.
seems low to me Why wait until now to bring this up? shouldn't this be put in a more prominent place than in the middle of this late paragraph?
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so who really wants to wait.
edit for punctuation
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Taxes really is not the answer
I don't follow
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Why do people get married now?
not sure of the relevance, given your own question
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since you make
why the shift to "you"?
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I think that a big part is that women are a lot more independent than they were 20-30 years ago.
please provide evidence
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Unlike Cinderalla and Snow White who both married in royalty and didn’t really know their husbands at all.
fragment
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Young girls now have princesses with no princes and kingdom with no castles.
not sure what this means
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why are less people
fewer
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that unmarried Americans outnumbered married Americans (L
okay: good info. Do you have the numbers?
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In 2014 was
"was" needs a subject
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The world has a new take the social norm and I don’t believe marriage is a part of it.
I don't follow What is the relevance of this paragraph, exactly?
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s June 25th, 2015, this is
edit for comma splice, here and elsewhere
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what is happening right now.
punctuate as a question
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since women could not make very much money or own any property themselves
cite source
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women need
tense?
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First
I guess this works as a transition but I wonder if you could work on a more effective one
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why are less people wanting to getting marriage and how will this affect and change the future.
why are fewer people . . .?
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less people getting married there are less
fewer people . . . fewer marriages
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According to the CDC in 1981 the marriage rate was 10.6 per 1000 population, with the divorce rate being 5.3 per 1000 population
cite article or particular study done by CDC?
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The CDC k
which stands for?
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you ever wanted
why the shift to "you"?
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CDC, 16 October 2019, www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/mvsr.htm#43_12s
please follow MLA format: title of page, date of access, alphabetize I'm not sure I see three peer reviewed sources here, nor a personal interview
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will get less and less important as other things become bigger goals in our life.
I don't see a post write
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rosasara4.edublogs.org rosasara4.edublogs.org
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School
school
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still hanged in
hung in there
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“Sara we
Sarah, we
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The other person I interviewed she was 25 years old
try to integrate the material into your paper rather than simply introducing the interview itself
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I moved in with my mom I stood their for 6 months.
edit for fused sentences "stayed there"
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until I seen
until I saw
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When she seen
When she saw
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Their was one day
There I'm not sure of the relevance of some of these stories: show their connection to your topic, okay?
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old her parents that she was going to go out with her friends. Her friends did go with her just in case anything happened.”
not need to italicize quotations--just use quotation marks and signal phrases.
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The person that I spoke to her name is Mary Lima
The person I spoke to was Mary Lima
Can you provide a more effective and meaningful transition?
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15.7 percent are married : in most cases, these numbers represent women who have remarried 1.2 percent are widowed
cite sources? These stats seem just thrown into your paper; you don't introduce them or comment on their significance
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75 percent say kids that live in a home with both parents they live happier and stress from home
cite source Begin sentences with spelled out numbers?
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These numbers are different from those recently 40.6 percent are currently divorced or separated 42.6 percent have never been married
please edit for punctuation and cite source
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43 million children. A 58 -percent major were living with both their birth mother and biological father in a traditional married couple. 2.7 numbers are f 4 percent
cite sources
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Mothers who have custodial parents.
fragment
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He was their
There
-
heir was a
There
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The were times
typo?
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Working and dealing with my kids behavior at school.
fragment
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They was much
edit for subject verb agreement
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delta it for 7 years
rephrase?
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So, since he didn’t help with the bills or the kids.
fragment
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popped at the same tim
rephrase?
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he twins was born.
edit for subject-verb agreement: twins were born
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Parents that are single they
you have two subjects in this sentence
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Study show that behavioral problems were less likely among children living in families with higher level of parental qualifications.
This doesn't seem to belong here
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According to the U.S Census Bureau, approximately 30 percent of American families are headed by only one parent. There were 12 million single-parent households in U.S in 2000. Study show that behavioral problems were less likely among children living in families with higher level of parental qualifications.
good: I wonder why you don't start the body of your paper with these stats--you really should. Remember to cite the source (title of source, if not the author) in text.
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ingle parents families
single parent families
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In todays day and age
edit for apostrophe use
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Negatively affecting their daily life’s at school, at home and with the friends.
fragment
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child mind it run
you have two subjects in this sentence
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It’s more harder
It's harder to
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f you
why the shift to "you"?
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my parents or teachers attention
parent's teacher's
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The same as being in a home with one parent. They can have everything they want, the only thing they need or want is attention
edit for comma splice
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The smaller they are the harder they are to understand what is going on. Children know if I miss behave they will call mommy or daddy to pick me up.
What is your topic sentence in this paragraph? I am having a hard time following your point
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hen sitting their
there?
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Leaving the children behind they
edit for grammar: who is the subject of "Leaving"? "they"?
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Behaviors, in a single family home is almost the same having both parents in the house.
edit for punctuation and subject/verb agreement
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Co-parenting
please define what this means, for your reader's sake
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happening to
happening too?
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Parents in this century, are separated from each other
edit for punctuation Do you have evidence for this claim? If so, please cite source
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A person bringing up a child or children without a partner.
edit for fragment
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Single parents is taking care of their children on their ow
please edit for grammar and clarity: Single parenting refers to the care of children by one parent alone.
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What is the impact of Single Impact on Children?
please rephrase and edit--is this what you are trying to say? What Impact does Single Parenting Have on Children?
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https://www.verywellfamily.com/single-parent-census-data-2997668 https://nydivorcefirm.com/single-parents-household-does-affect-children http://ifstudies.org/blog/more-than-60-of-u-s-kids-live-with-two-biological-parents
Works Cited
These sources need to be listed in MLA format. I also need to see three pee reviewed sources (obtained via a database) and a personal interview. Your research isn't complete, right?
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judithtagne.edublogs.org judithtagne.edublogs.org
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According to the sociology book,
According to one sociologist textbook,
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(Understanding Social Problem)
cite author instead
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( Great value Colleges ).
cite author
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College degree
why the capital?
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Davidson Institute for Talent Development ).
cite author's last name only
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and joyful in mind
rephrase?
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the President of Princeton University)
are you citing a source? which?
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does not only happen in college
rephrase for clarity: happens not only in college
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Mrs Margaret Harrington who is an ESL adjunct
edit for comma use (insert comma0
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to run away four year college?
phrasing unclear
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She takes the loan seven thousand dollars, the financial aid and scholarships are five thousand four hundred dollars.
edit for comma splices here and elsewhere
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National center for education statistics, 2014
not quite in MLA format
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It is easy to attend college and get that education?
not phrased as a question
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n the same way, the President of Princeton University said college is a long term investment.
cite source
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a quiet life everywhere you will be. I
not sure what this means or how it follows
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you will be
why the shift to "you"?
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souza.
capitalize S
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