Very nice job! You certainly know how to tell a story! I felt very connected and in tune with Marcus. However, there are a few points where I wanted to see more of him as a person, where I wanted to see some emotion. When Marcus describes how Kristina is panicking and goes to be punished by the Game Makers, he seems sort of seems callous and detached from the situation. She’s a sobbing mess and he just goes on about his escape. How does Marcus feel in this moment?
I want to know more about the ways in which the city was set up and its founding principles. How do the people inside the city interact, and how does the city function as a whole? I want to know more about life outside of the Games. What do people do in their free time? Virtual reality? What’s the culture like in the city? How do people treat each other? I love the detailed descriptions you give as Marcus faces the obstacles the Game Makers throw at him; I can really feel myself there with him. It would be nice if I could feel the same about the city. I want to become more aware of the world in which the story takes place. Describe it for me!
I also want to know more about the Games. How many Game Makers are there? How often do the Games take place? Can more than one person win? Do the Game Makers design the whole city or just the Games? How do the Game Makers stay in power, or is there someone higher up that they report to? Why is there this need for the Games? I just don’t understand the purpose of it. Wouldn’t it make more sense for a person to be trained to be a Game Maker from birth rather than just host a big competition? Readers are missing key background information that would explain this.
At the beginning of the story, the Game Makeer mentioned “judgement” and how it would be unkind to those who do not do well in the Games. I understand how Marcus might not know what it means at the time, but the concept isn’t explained down the road. The same goes for the concept of coming out of the Game with permanent injuries. Why would the Game Makers purposefully injure those who lost the Game when they need able bodied workers?
I love your description of the challenges Marcus faces as he goes through the Games. There is one part that I was put off by. I don’t understand why Marcus takes Sophia’s word for it when she talks about how the reward for winning The Game is a lie and winners being forced to work long hours. Marcus has been waiting for the Game all his life and looking for a chance to escape the hard reality he faces everyday. It doesn’t make sense for him to just give up hope on his dream of a better life just because someone tells him that it’s not true. I was surprised when Marcus just accepted Sophia’s intel and didn’t question her purpose in the Game. What if Sophia was just another test the Game Makers introduced to weed out some kids?
Overall, I’m very happy with your piece. The time and effort you put into it shows! It flows beautifully, and I’m not experiencing Marcus’ journey; I’m taking it with him. With the addition of a few things, this story will turn into a real gem! Well, it already is a gem, but just a shinier, more polished one!